The Yearning
by Shonetta
Summary: Pre/Post Voyager. Janeway's troubled past haunts her future. Now complete (& revised)
1. Chapter 1

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures.**

**WARNING:** This story concerns the very sensitive subject of sexual assault. As with all my other serious subject stories, it is a non-canon take on canon.

**TIMELINE NOTE:** As there are conflicting accounts of when Chakotay left Starfleet and began freedom fighting, I have gone with the date given by Chakotay himself in the episode "In the Flesh", which was 3 March 2368. In the novel Pathways there is a different account of events.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER ONE**

**March, 2379**

As he sat alone in Voyager's mess hall, gazing out at a window of stars, Chakotay could easily believe that Voyager was back in the Delta Quadrant. Behind him was a familiar hustle and bustle, and above it he could hear Neelix joke as he took orders. The nostalgia was overwhelming and made Chakotay wish that Voyager really was in the Delta Quadrant, that the great ship was still soaring through unknown space on its long journey home. But Voyager was not in the Delta Quadrant and Neelix was only a hologram. Voyager's epic journey had ended fourteen months ago and the historic ship was now a museum. The chatter around him was from visitors, and the stars outside were nothing more than holographic illusion. Voyager was on firm ground, the firm ground of San Francisco, and was protected by a high security dome.

This was not the first time Chakotay had wished he was back in the Delta Quadrant. As good as it was to be home, he missed his life on Voyager. He missed the crew, missed the adventures they'd all had together, and he missed the journey. But most of all he missed Kathryn. He missed everything about her from her raspy voice to the way she drank coffee incessantly. He'd been stupid to give up on her for Seven. If he had waited, just a little bit longer, then maybe things would be different now. Maybe he and Kathryn would be together, just as he'd always felt they should be. But, as the wise had said for centuries, time always give a different perspective. Mistakes are easy to see with the benefit of hindsight. They're impossible to see while in the making. His last few months on Voyager had not been easy. Kathryn had been more distant than ever and his relationship with Seven had just kind of happened. It hadn't lasted, had ended almost as soon as it had begun, and he realized now that if anything had bonded them it was loneliness. Seven had been lonely since her first days on Voyager, something she had once confessed to him, and he had been lonely for a long time too. In each other they'd found companionship and comfort.

Getting home, however, had changed everything. Seven now had a whole Federation of opportunities to explore, and the obstacles that had always existed between him and Kathryn were gone. It had taken a while for the reality of that to hit him, but when it had, it had hit him hard. And with that realization came the painful one that he still loved her. He always had and he knew he always would. Several times since getting home he had come close to telling her, but without some sign that she felt the same, he had not. He was afraid that to ask for more than friendship would be to lose her friendship. So, after spending a few weeks with his sister on Trebus, he had accepted promotion to captain and left Earth as the commander of a deep space exploration mission. It had lasted ten months, and he had hoped the time away would change his feelings for Kathryn, but he'd soon learnt that the old adage, _out of sight is out of mind_, was not true. He loved her now as much as he ever had.

"Captain Chakotay?"

The voice was unfamiliar, but when Chakotay looked away from the window, he recognized the man it belonged to: Mark Johnson, Kathryn's former fiancé.

"That's me," Chakotay said, getting to his feet. "Mark Johnson?"

"That's right," he answered, holding out his hand. "Hello. It's good to see you again."

Chakotay took his hand and shook it. "You too."

"I wasn't sure if it was really you at first, as there are holograms of crew members all over, but as you're out of uniform, I figured you must be the real deal."

Chakotay smiled. "I'm certainly that."

"I'm surprised to see you here, though. I thought you were in space. But I suppose you're surprised to see me here too."

"Yes.."

"Well, I'm here with my son. He loves coming here and we come quite often. He's in the holodeck at the moment, playing an adventure game with other kids. I thought I'd grab myself a coffee while I have the chance."

Chakotay gestured to the table. "Then join me, please."

"Thank you," Mark said, sitting. "I will."

Chakotay sat too. "How's Kathryn?" he asked.

"Fine, as far as I know," Mark answered. "I haven't seen her in a while. We both lead busy lives and, well, it's never easy to be friends when you have a history."

"I understand," Chakotay said. "And I'm sorry...about what happened, the way you lost each other."

"Thank you. But you know what they say, things generally work out for the best. I loved Kathryn, but our relationship was never easy. Perhaps it was even a mistake. We were much better friends than we were lovers." He paused. "Kathryn says that you and she got pretty close, that you're more than just comrades, so I guess you know that we were never engaged."

Chakotay flinched. "You weren't?"

"No," Mark answered. "But I thought..." He then bit his lip and began to fidget. "Forget I said anything."

"That's kind of hard," Chakotay said honestly. "If you weren't engaged, why would Kathryn say you were?"

"She didn't," Mark replied. "Someone came to that conclusion and she didn't get the chance to correct them. Before she knew it, her entire crew thought she was engaged, and she didn't want to look foolish by saying she wasn't. So she let them think it and turned it to her advantage. No one would expect an engaged woman to get involved with anyone. It was a kind of buffer to the whole captain protocol thing."

"I see," Chakotay said quietly. To the best of his knowledge, this was not how it had happened. Kathryn had very definitely said she was engaged. Looking back, it was clear that she had not always behaved like an engaged woman would do, and had not pined for her fiancé as much as she might have, but it was hard to believe that Kathryn had lied to him about this for years. In the early months of their journey, perhaps, but later...it was more than unsettling, it hurt deeply.

"But please don't say anything to anyone," Mark urged. "I've promised Kathryn that I won't and I would never intentionally break a promise. I thought you knew."

"I won't say anything to anyone," Chakotay reassured him. "You have my word."

Mark relaxed at that. "Thank you."

Neelix's hologram came over now, adorned in a flashy apron of blue and pink, and he smiled at Mark.

"Dr Johnson, hello! How wonderful to see you again! I'm so glad you've found Commander, I mean Captain, Chakotay. With a certain admiral in common, I'm sure you'll have a lot to talk about! Where is your little Kevin today? Is he on the holodeck?"

"He is," Mark answered.

"Having a wonderful time, no doubt. Oh, to be young, carefree, and living in this century! But what can I get you, Dr Johnson? The usual?"

"Please."

"Then one black coffee coming up."

With that, Neelix left, and Mark turned his attention back to Chakotay. The former First Officer was gazing vacantly into his coffee.

"I'm sure Kathryn had her reasons for not telling you," Mark said kindly. "There's such a thing as a white lie. Maybe it made things less awkward in the early years, and afterwards, after I'd married, there was no need to tell you as it was no longer an issue."

Chakotay said nothing. It was quite possible that Mark was right, but there was something about this that felt so wrong.

"Kathryn is...complicated," Mark went on. "I've never understood her. I've tried, God knows I have, but she doesn't make it easy. She always kept a part of herself back from me, even when we were a couple, especially then, and I never knew where I was. The truth is, I don't think she felt for me what I felt for her. She certainly didn't feel for me what she'd felt for Justin...her fiancé that died. I'd always known that, but I was so in love with her that I thought it didn't matter. As long as she loved me a little bit, I thought we'd be ok. Because she did love me, I know that, but I don't think more than a friend. I think I was a safe bet, a friend that she loved and trusted, a civilian in a safe job. After losing Justin she kept a tight reign on her heart. She had a lot of men, but nothing serious. She liked to play fast and loose. But I think she'd reached a stage in her life where she wanted to settle down and have kids. I don't think she was ever in love me. I think I was just good husband and father material."

"That doesn't sound like Kathryn," Chakotay said quietly.

"Well, maybe you just don't know her as well as you think you do. And I mean that with all due respect. I've known her a lifetime in a personal capacity, you only a few years in a professional." He paused. "Did she sleep around on Voyager? I mean, with aliens?"

Chakotay was a moment in answering. "If you're asking if she was unfaithful to you, then the answer is no."

These words seemed to comfort Mark, but there was still a sadness in his eyes. "I'm surprised. Perhaps I shouldn't be, because if there's one thing Kathryn is, it's loyal, but with her track record...I'm surprised. I suppose she made up for lost time after she got my letter."

"No," Chakotay said. "She only had one serious relationship, and that was under mind-control."

"I'm not talking about the serious. It never had to be serious for Kathryn. She never liked the serious. All she wanted was...well, let's just say she would sleep with strangers but she wouldn't sleep with me. But that's...that's getting too personal."

Neelix returned now, a cup of steaming black coffee in his hands. "There you go, Dr Johnson. One hot black coffee, just as you like it."

"Thank you," Mark said.

"I apologize for the delay," the holographic Talaxian went on. "I'm swept off my feet today, as you can see. Anything else I can get you?"

"No, thank you."

"Then I'm afraid I must serve you and leave you. See you later, gentlemen."

As Neelix left, Mark picked up his coffee. "I still care for Kathryn," he said, "and I hope I haven't said anything out of place. I'm not sure why I've said so much, really. I suppose because talking about the past opens up old wounds. I hope I haven't offended you."

"No," Chakotay replied. "I appreciate your openness." Suddenly feeling as though the air was too thin, yet so heavy it was choking, Chakotay got to his feet. "Well, I'd better be going. I'm leaving for Trebus tomorrow so I have a lot to do."

"I'm sure," Mark answered, somewhat sadly. "Have a good trip."

"I will. Goodbye."

"Goodbye."

Chakotay then turned around and left.

**END OF CHAPTER ONE**


	2. Chapter 2

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

WARNING: This chapter depicts sexual violence / rape.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER TWO**

**January, 2353**

In the small bathroom of her dorm, eighteen year-old Kathryn Janeway quickly took off a long blue evening dress she was wearing and put on an orange. The sumptuous satin gown clung to her thin figure, fell off her shoulders, and flared at her ankles. In a full length mirror, Kathryn straightened the dress out, tidied her long and unruly hair, and then admired herself for a few seconds before hurrying into the bedroom. It was a small single room, containing little more than a bed, desk, and wardrobe, and sitting on the bed was a handsome young man with curly blond hair and sapphire blue eyes. He was wearing a beige jacket over black pants and was fidgeting with a device in his hands.

"What do you think?" Kathryn said as she posed before him. "An improvement on the last?"

Lieutenant Neal Raywell looked up from his device. "Definitely," he said. "But..."

"But what?" Kathryn asked. "What now? Don't tell me, the color. It makes my freckles look like jarvinion measles."

"No," he laughed, "the color is fine. And I love the shoulders. It's just the length. It's a party we're going to, not a convent. Shorten it a bit."

"Oh, but you know how I hate to feel exposed. My knees are knobby."

"Your knees are perfect. Show them off. Everyone else will be wearing short. You don't want to stand out."

"I guess not."

"Go on. Same color, same style, just shorter."

Kathryn sighed but then kissed his cheek. "Ok, honey. I'll do it for you."

Neal smiled and winked. "That's my girl."

Kathryn then hurried back into the bathroom, replicated a new dress, and put it on. It was a little shorter than she'd envisaged, barely halfway to her knees, but it did look surprisingly good. Confident that this was the dress, Kathryn recycled the others and returned to the bedroom. Neal was now standing and his jaw dropped open when he saw her.

"Wow," he said.

Kathryn smiled. "The one or the one, huh?"

"Definitely the one," he said, gathering her in his arms. "Don't you dare change. You look amazing."

"Thank you, Sir," Kathryn replied. "You're looking mighty fine yourself. Now, let me go so I can fix up my hair and put on some shoes."

But instead of releasing her, Neal began to kiss her neck. "Let's forget about the party, Kath. Let's stay here."

"Oh, Neal, we can't," Kathryn laughed. "You know how important this party is. Everyone who is everyone will be there and..."

Roughly, Neal broke away. "Damn it, Kathryn! Must you always think about your career? Why not about us for once?"

Kathryn was a moment in answering, his outburst taking her aback. "Of course I think about us, Neal. Why do you think I invited you?"

"I don't know! Because you need a partner? Give a little, Kathryn. Put us first! We've been together for a month now but are still at first base!"

"So what? What's a month? You make it sound like forever!"

"Because it feels like forever! I'm a man, Kathryn, and I have needs! How long are you going to make me wait?"

"Until I'm ready," Kathryn cried. "Which will be forever if you carry on like this!"

At these words, Neal ran his hands through his hair and took a calming breath. "I'm sorry, Kath," he said. "I didn't mean to pressurize you. I just...you drive me wild."

Kathryn couldn't help but smile. "I do, huh?"

Neal nodded and gathered her close again. "Wilder than a wild stallion."

Kathryn wrapped her arms around his neck. "Well, you have quite an effect on me too. But I'll be ready when I'm ready, ok? It won't just be our first time, it will be my first time, and I want it to be perfect."

"And it will be, Kath. But we don't need candles and music and mountains for that. All we need is us."

"I know, and I am ready, I just...Give me a little more time, ok?"

"How much time, Kath? Because if you don't want me, then..."

"I do," Kathryn declared. "Of course I do. I love you. I just... How about next weekend? We could go to my aunt's cabin in Canada and..."

Neal interrupted. "I'm away next weekend...a conference."

"Then what about the weekend after?"

"I suppose, but why wait another two weeks?" He put his lips to her neck again. "I want you now, Kath. I need you now."

"No, Neal," Kathryn protested. "The party..."

"We can show up later."

"But..."

"No buts. I want you, Kath. God, I want you..."

His left arm crushed her body against his now while his right hand slid up her leg to her knickers.

"No," Kathryn cried, struggling to break free. "Let me go!"

But Neal didn't let her go. Instead, he threw her to the bed, like a man suddenly possessed, and smothered her with his body. Kathryn fought back as hard as she could, but he was gripped by such a frenzy that she was powerless against him.

"Please," she wept as he pulled down her knickers. "Please...don't..."

But he didn't listen. He just carried on.

And then...

And then the horror.

The horror of hell.

And then...

And then sobs.

Neal's sobs.

"Oh God," he wept. "Oh God! What have I done? I'm sorry, Kathryn. I'm so sorry!"

Then all was silent. He was gone.

* * *

><p>Lost. Numb. Empty.<p>

Huddled in a corner of her room, her arms around her knees, Kathryn rocked herself to and fro. How long she'd been there, she didn't know. It could have been hours, could have been days. Time was suspended, a black void like her soul. Nothing around her registered. Nothing mattered. Nothing could ever matter again.

Suddenly, the door chime played, but Kathryn didn't hear it. She just rocked to and fro. The chimes played again, then again, but still Kathryn didn't hear them. It was only the calling of her name that brought her out of her trance.

"Kathryn...Kathryn...Are you in there?"

The voice was Holly's, a close friend, and she sounded concerned.

"Kathryn, I'm worried about you. It's not like you to miss a lecture, and I hear you weren't at the party last night. Are you sick?"

Lecture? Last night? Was it morning? Kathryn's glazed eyes moved to the room's only window, and she saw that it was day.

"Please, Kathryn, if you're in there, talk to me. Even if it's only to call me an ass for disturbing you. I'm really worried."

Shaking violently, Kathryn got to her feet and limped over to the door. Every part of her was hurting, either from cramp or from injury.

"I'm ok," she said quietly. "I'm just...lying in."

"Oh, I get it," Holly laughed. "You and loverboy, right? Say no more! I'm out of here! See you later!

Holly then left. When she was gone, Kathryn leant against the door and closed her aching eyes. Tears were welling under her lids, tears that burnt, but she fought to hold them back. She wouldn't cry. She would be strong, brave, just like everyone always said she was. She would be strong and pull herself together.

Together.

Somehow, someway, she would pick up the shattered pieces of her body and soul and glue them together. Glue them so the cracks didn't show. Glue them so the world didn't know.

Glue them.

But first she had to find them. Right now, they were a million pieces, a million pieces on her bed.

Her bed.

When she turned away from the door and saw her bed, the place of horror, her stomach heaved. It was like looking at hell.

It was hell.

Unable to hold back the tears now, the tears of an all too real nightmare, she ran gasping and sobbing into her bathroom. When there, she slammed shut the door, knelt beside the toilet, and threw up.

Threw up and up.

But still the nausea didn't stop. It would never stop.

Panting, Kathryn curled up on the mat beside her shower and hugged her hurting body.

Hugged and rocked.

Hugged and rocked until oblivion.

* * *

><p>TWO DAYS LATER<p>

Dressed in her uniform, Kathryn stood outside her father's office at Starfleet Headquarters and waited for the doors to open. She was pale, drawn, and her hair was pulled back plainly from her face, but her bruises and injuries were gone. Self-treatment and a hypospray had taken care of them.

At last, the silver doors opened and beckoned Kathryn inside. Kathryn hesitated, unsure if she could face her father without running into his arms and hiding in them forever, but after taking a deep breath, she stepped into the room. Her father, as always, was sitting at his desk, and as always he merely glanced at her as she approached. Whatever was on his desk was either more interesting or important.

"Hi, goldenbird," he said. "Everything ok?"

"Not really, Daddy," Kathryn answered. "I'm not sleeping too well and need your help."

Her father looked up at her now with parental concern. "Go on, Kathryn. You know I'll help in whatever way I can."

"I need a new room. I know you pulled a lot of strings to get me a single dorm, but I need you to pull some more. It's really noisy where I am and I'm not sleeping at all."

"Noisy, huh? Well, we can't have that. Of course I'll get you a new room. There are always vacant ones by this time of year."

Kathryn gave a wan smile. "Thank you, Daddy."

"How are things otherwise? I hear you've been seeing a lot of a certain lieutenant lately. Don't feel as though you have to keep him a secret. So long as you don't let your grades slip, I'm all for it."

At the mention of Neal, Kathryn felt as though she would throw up, and it was a moment before she could speak. "No," she said. "I'm not...seeing anyone."

"Hmmm," her father replied, as though he didn't quite believe it. "Well, all I'll say is you could do a lot worse. Neal Raywell graduated in the top 5% of his year, and is one of our most promising scientists working at the Haydock facility."

Kathryn said nothing. She just tried to block Neal out of her mind. She never wanted to hear his name again. Never wanted to see his face again. If she did then... But she wouldn't. He would keep his distance, of that she felt sure, and as he wasn't at the Academy, their paths were unlikely to cross.

Suddenly, her father was out of his chair and standing beside her, his hand on her shoulder.

"You don't look well, goldenbird," he said. "Is there something more going on? Is noise the real reason you want a new room?"

He guessed then. He guessed there was something more. Perhaps it was father's intuition. But Kathryn couldn't tell him. She knew she should, knew she should report Neal for what he had done, but she couldn't. She didn't have the courage. She just wanted to forget the whole thing, to bury it so deep inside that it could never be found again. If she told then...then everyone would know and it would never go away. She wanted it to go away.

"It is, Daddy," she answered. "Just get me a new room."

"Ok, goldenbird," he said, drawing her into his arms with a kiss. "Consider it done."

Kathryn closed her eyes and leant her head on his broad shoulder, but as soon as she felt the tears come, she stepped away.

"Well, I better go, Daddy. I have a lecture in an hour."

"Ok," her father said. "See you soon."

Kathryn nodded. "Soon."

Then, without another word, she left.

END OF CHAPTER TWO


	3. Chapter 3

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER THREE**

**A Year Later**

Her hair now short and black, Kathryn coughed away smoke as she pulled a tray of cupcakes out of an oven. She and Holly were now sharing a small apartment on campus, and Kathryn had spent a rare morning off baking.

"Damn," she cried. "They've burnt!"

Holly, a pretty girl with long brown hair and green eyes, laughed from a table. "How many times is that now, Kath? Cooking is so not your thing."

"Cooking is a science," Kathryn declared, placing the tray of smoking cakes down on a worktop, "and I am a scientist. I'll get it beat."

"Well, I'm a scientist too, but I can't do quantum mechanics to save my life. Accept it, Kath. You're never going to be a chef."

"I'm not asking to be," Kathryn replied. "All I'm asking is that my cakes don't come out looking like lumps of coal."

Holly laughed. "For you, Kath. That's a big ask."

"So it seems. Oh well, these will just have to feed the recycler. I wouldn't want to poison the cat."

"Speaking of which, where is the fur ball?"

"Don't ask me," Kathryn said, closing the oven, "she's your baby. You know I'm a dog woman."

"Oh, you love the scallywag too, I know you do. Why else would you keep spoiling her with treats and cuddles?"

Kathryn smiled. "Pot calling kettle."

"I don't deny it. She's got to be..."

Alarm bleeps interrupted her.

"Damn," Kathryn cried, turning to a clock on the wall. "Is that the time? We'd better get a move on."

"To where?" Holly asked. "What's the deal?"

"The guest lecture, remember. Admiral Sanders and the history of space."

Holly sighed. "Oh that. I was kind of hoping you'd forget."

"No way. Admiral Sanders is a must for anyone interested in stellar archaeology."

"Which counts me out. But I said I'd come so I will."

"Thanks, Holly. I'll make it up to you."

"You'd better. But not by baking cakes, ok?"

Kathryn laughed. "Ok."

* * *

><p>The public lecture, which was held in one of the Academy's grandest and biggest theaters, was almost a full house. Kathryn and Holly made it to the theater just in time for the lecture, their uniforms remarkably tidy considering the speed in which they'd put them on, but their late arrival meant they had to sit in the back. Kathryn listened with great interest to what the acclaimed scientist and historian had to say, but Holly was bored after five minutes and spent most of the lecture eyeing up the handsome men around her. A couple eyed her back, but most were too engrossed in the lecture to notice her glances. When the lecture was over, and everyone started to leave, Kathryn put away her notes while Holly went to talk to one of the guys who had caught her attention. They talked and flirted, but Kathryn paid them no attention. She just zipped up her bag and got to her feet. As she did, a middle aged woman with bobbed black hair approached. Beside her, looking as though he was being dragged, was a handsome and strapping young man of Native American or Hispanic origin. He was wearing a black jacket over brown pants and looked liked he was in his early twenties.<p>

"Excuse me, lady," the woman said in a strong southern accent, "but I must introduce you to this man. I'm a psychic, though I don't generally proclaim it, and I feel a strong connection between you two. You're destined for great things. What, I don't know, but I sense a voyage...to the stars. But more than that I feel..."

Kathryn interrupted. "This is all very nice, but I don't believe in psychics. So, if you don't mind, excuse _me_."

She turned away, but the woman caught her arm.

"I must tell you what I see. Or rather what I feel. I feel warmth, safety, love. You're meant to be together. A match made in the stars..."

Holly arrived now and immediately sensed the tension. "What's going on?" she asked.

The man, who had gorgeous dimples when he smiled, spoke. "This lady claims to be a psychic and feels it is important that I meet your friend."

Holly, a believer, was immediately excited. "Really?"

"Yes," Kathryn answered. "But I've heard enough. Come on, Holly. Let's go."

"Not so fast," Holly said. "Let's listen to what she has to say."

"I'm not interested," Kathryn insisted.

The woman, disappointed by Kathryn's reaction, disengaged her arm from the man's and stepped back. "It's ok," she said. "I won't take up any more of your time. I know it's hard for some folks to believe. I've done what I felt I should. Good day to you all."

With that, the woman left.

"I'm sure she meant well," the man said to Kathryn. "Don't take offense. I haven't."

Holly spoke. "Are you at the Academy?"

"No," he answered. "I'm a science officer and serve on The Orion. Well, normally. I've just applied for a ground job."

"Then you're a graduate?"

"Yes."

"Rank?"

"Ensign."

"We're cadets, second year, but I'm sure my friend will be an admiral before she's forty."

The man turned back to Kathryn. "Ambitious?"

"Better than the alternative," Kathryn replied curtly.

"I can't argue with that," he said. "Nothing wrong with ambition. But you know what they say about all work and no play."

Holly interjected. "Makes Jane a dull girl, I know. I've told her a thousand times."

"So," the man said, holding Kathryn's gaze, "seeing as we're a match made in the stars, how would you like to have dinner with me tonight?"

At this, Kathryn visibly tensed. "Thank you," she said, "but no."

Holly's mouth fell open in disbelief. Was Kathryn really turning down a date with this charming hunk? Was she out of her mind?

"Then tomorrow?" he persisted.

"I said no," Kathryn replied firmly.

Holly, still not believing her ears, grabbed Kathryn's arm and addressed the officer. "Give us a moment, Sir."

The man nodded and duly stepped away. As he did, Holly turned to Kathryn.

"What's the matter with you, Kath? First Riker and now this guy? Have you gone blind or nuts or both? He's a dreamboat!"

"Then you have dinner with him."

"He's not asking me, he's asking you."

"I'm not interested."

"But look at him, Kathryn! He's absolutely gorgeous!"

"Looks aren't everything."

"No, but they're something. Go on, Kath. Give him a chance. He might be the one!"

"Because some crazy woman says so?"

"She said that? Oh, then you have to go, Kathryn. You just have to!"

"No, Holly, I..."

"You have to, Kathryn! If not for yourself, then for me. You owe me, remember?"

Kathryn glanced at the man, who was waiting patiently, and found her resistance waning. There was no denying that he was handsome, dashingly so, in fact, and for him to be at this lecture, he had to have an interest in stellar archaeology. Perhaps the woman was right, perhaps they were destined to be important to each other. He was certainly captivating, and there was something about him, something inexplicable, that made her want to date for the first time since Neal. But she didn't know if she was ready. She didn't know if she would ever be ready. How could she ever trust a man again? But all men were not Neal, she knew that. Deep in her soul, she knew that. Someday she would have to start trusting men again, and the sooner she did, the easier her life would be.

"Ok," Kathryn said. "I'll have dinner with him."

"Yay!" Holly smiled. "I knew you'd see sense. Fantastic!" She then turned to the man. "Hey, Sir."

The man looked up.

"You have a date," she declared.

A light filled the man's dark eyes. "I do?"

Kathryn nodded. "If you're still asking."

"I am," he said, closing the gap between them. "Just name the time and the place and I'll be there."

"The Dolphin at 19:00 hours."

The man smiled. "I'm there." He then held out his hand to her. "I'm Chakotay, by the way."

Kathryn took his hand and shook it. "I'm Kathryn."

"Or Kate, Kath or Katie," Holly joked. "Take your pick." She then offered her hand to Chakotay. "I'm Holly."

Chakotay shook her hand. "Pleased to meet you."

"And me you. Oh, what an event this has turned out to be! And to think I almost didn't come!"

"Stellar archaeology not your thing?"

"You can say that again. But you love it, right?"

"I do."

Holly smiled. "Then I think we really do have a match made in the stars."

"Well," Kathryn said, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. "We'd better be going before we're the only ones left here."

Chakotay looked around. "The place is emptying fast. Shall we talk more over a drink?"

Holly opened her mouth to say yes, but Kathryn got in first. "One date at a time, Ensign."

Chakotay laughed, dimples showing. "See you tonight then."

"Yes," Kathryn replied. "Tonight."

Their eyes locked, the moment feeling like both a second and an eternity, but then Kathryn linked her arm with Holly's and pulled her away.

* * *

><p>Standing before a mirror, Kathryn looked at herself in an evening dress. It was a dress she had replicated especially for her date with Chakotay, a classy one of blue velvet that had long sleeves, a round neck, and a straight skirt that reached her knees. It was conservative, by most standards, but the more Kathryn gazed at the dress, the more that she gazed at herself in the dress, the more she was convinced that it looked cheap. That she looked cheap.<p>

Cheap and easy.

Suddenly in tears, she tore off the dress and threw it across the room. She couldn't do this. She couldn't go on this date. She didn't want to go on this date. And yet...

And yet she did.

She longed to be normal, longed to look at a guy and think how cute he was, longed to feel the thrill of a first date, a first kiss.

Longed to be how she used to be.

But she never would be again. That Kathryn Janeway had gone forever. That night, that terrible night, a part of her heart had died. The romantic part. The part that believed in knights in shining armor and happy endings. Neal had killed it when he stole her innocence.

Innocence.

Now there was just cynicism.

Cold cynicism.

It was there now, staring back at her when she looked at her tearful face in the mirror. There were no happy thoughts in her head about dinner, candlelight, and moonlight kisses. Instead there were bitter ones, disturbing ones. Disturbing thoughts about men and what they wanted. Thoughts that were her constant companion now.

But she would banish them. Somehow, someway. She would not let Neal ruin her life. He was one man, just one man. She would fight back, she would take control.

But not in a dress.

Wiping away her tears, she replicated herself some black trousers, a pretty blue blouse to go with it, and then a black velvet jacket. It wasn't a sexy outfit, not even a glamorous, but it was stylish. Stylish enough for a first date with a stranger. Stylish and conservative. If this guy really was interested in her for herself, and not just for her body, he wouldn't mind the outfit. He would welcome her with a smile and his eyes would look into hers, not at her body.

Her body.

How she hated being a woman now. Hated everything about the feminine. That is why she had cut her hair. Cut it and dyed it black. Neal had liked the long, liked the red. Men liked the long, liked the red. She hated the long now, hated the red. Hated being a woman. Hated having male eyes look at her and ogle her. She didn't want them to look, didn't want to be attractive. And yet...

And yet she did.

She wanted to be sexy, wanted to be like other women, wanted to feel like one. With every part of her being, every fibre of her existence, she wanted that.

Wanted to be what she had been.

Would be what she had been.

Mind over matter. That was all it took. Mind over matter.

Quickly, Kathryn changed into the outfit, dried her wet eyes, and then applied some make-up. Not a lot, not as much as she'd done in the old days, the days before, just enough to cover her freckles.

When she was done, Kathryn put on some shoes, picked up her handbag, and then left her bedroom for the lounge. Holly was sitting there, reading, and the bubbly girl looked up as she entered. There was anticipation in her pretty eyes, but when they saw Kathryn, her face fell.

"My God," she cried. "You can't go looking like that! What are you thinking?"

Kathryn pretended not to understand. "I don't know what you mean. I look perfectly respectable."

"Respectable, yes," Holly said, getting to her feet, "but you don't want respectable on a hot date! You want some glam! So get back in there and put on a dress. Preferably short, black, and sexy!"

"There's no time," Kathryn answered. "I'm running late already."

"Better to be late in style than on time and frumpy!"

"Thanks a lot, Holly."

"I wouldn't be a friend if I didn't speak my mind. It's a big world out there, Kathryn, with a big ocean full of fish. Why will a man have trout when he could have salmon? I know we're never going to be supermodels, but we can at least try to make the best of ourselves, especially when we're dating a hottie. Do you know how many women would kill for a date with a guy like him?"

"Well, I'm only going to return a favor, remember? And I don't have time to stand here talking. I'll see you later."

"But Kathryn...!"

"Later."

With that, Kathryn hit a combadge pinned to her jacket, requested a beam out, and in seconds was gone.

* * *

><p>The Dolphin, a classy bar-restaurant north of campus, was surprisingly busy when Kathryn arrived there. For a while, Kathryn waited for Chakotay in the lobby, thinking he would meet her there, but when there was no sign of him, it occurred to her that maybe he was waiting at the bar. With that thought in mind, she left the spot she had occupied for ten minutes, and walked towards the bar. It was accessed by a fancy archway of marble and gold, and as she turned into it, Kathryn stopped walking and looked at the bar. There were a few people there, some sitting, some standing, and, sure enough, Chakotay was amongst them. He was wearing a black jacket and was talking to someone. A woman. A sexy woman with long blonde hair over a tight-fitting green dress. They were laughing as they talked, the woman definitely flirting, and Kathryn suddenly felt sick.<p>

Sick and dizzy.

What was she doing here? Why had she agreed to come? She wasn't ready. She so wasn't ready. No matter how much she wanted to be, no matter how much she told herself she was, she wasn't.

Not now, maybe never.

Never.

Sex.

Sex was all men wanted. All they thought about. Even Holly had said as much. This guy would take one look at her in this 'respectable' outfit and ditch her for the sexy blonde he was chatting up. He would see no further than the superficial. Men didn't. They couldn't.

And yet...

Warmth. Safety. Love.

Love.

It did exist. Deep inside, she knew that. Men did love. Her father loved her mother. Very little had she seen of that love, as very little had she seen of her father, but it was there. It was always there.

And yet...

Sex.

Sex. Passion. Desire.

Desire.

Never again did she want to see raging desire in a man's eyes. Never again did she want to feel the inferno of a man's passion. And yet...

And yet she wanted to be loved. Longed to be loved. Longed to be loved by a man.

But she never would be. Never could be. Love was not possible without sex and she never wanted sex.

Never, ever.

Sick and dizzy.

So sick, so dizzy.

But then there was someone beside her, a hand on her shoulder, a woman's hand.

"Are you ok, honey?"

Slowly, Kathryn turned to the woman, the hazy woman, and forced her mind to focus. "Yes, I...I'm fine."

"Are you sure? You don't look it."

"Yes, I... Excuse me."

Unable to take anymore, Kathryn fled from the lobby and out onto the street. When there, she leant against a lamp post and gasped for air. Her heart was racing, she could feel it thump against her chest, and her whole body was tingling.

But she was safe now.

The horror was inside. The nightmare was inside. But she was outside, outside and awake.

It was over.

Never again would she have to see that man, never again would she have to go on a date. Everything was in her control.

Control.

She was in control.

As she clung to that thought, instilled it into her brain, her panic ebbed and her breathing eased.

When she was composed enough to walk, Kathryn left the lamp post and headed for the transporter station. She would go to Hawaii for a couple of hours. It was still early evening there and she could take a relaxing stroll along a sandy shore. The ocean always soothed her. If she went home, Holly would ask too many questions. Once this night was over, once it was too late for Holly to interfere, then she would go home. She would go home and tell her friend that the date was a disaster, that she and Chakotay had nothing in common. Holly would be disappointed, but she'd get over it. Then this night, and this man, would truly be history and neither would ever have to be thought of again.

Resolved, Kathryn straightened her shoulders, took a deep breath, and quickened her pace for the station.

END OF CHAPTER THREE


	4. Chapter 4

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures.**

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER FOUR**

**Six Years Later**

In a secluded spot on a beautiful Floridian beach, Lieutenant Kathryn Janeway poured herself a coffee as she enjoyed a picnic with Lieutenant Justin Tighe. Her hair was long now, loose, and was as auburn as nature intended. On her head, to shield her face from the sun, was a straw hat, and she was wearing a pretty yellow dress of dandelions and buttercups. Justin, a tall man with black hair and distinctive green eyes, was sitting opposite, and was clad in a white t-shirt over blue shorts. He was a handsome man, in a rugged kind of way, and Kathryn had been dating him for several months. They were taking their relationship slowly, both for different reasons, but had become so close that their relationship was rapidly gaining pace. Kathryn felt completely at ease with Justin. He was a reserved man, quiet, and he let her take the lead. Kathryn liked that, needed that. After that disastrous night at The Dolphin, Kathryn had turned down every man who had ever asked her on a date, every man except Justin. He had captivated her from the moment they met, and when she was with him, her problems disappeared. Faded like the dark at sunrise. When he'd taken her in his arms and kissed her for the first time, she hadn't been afraid, hadn't pulled away. She had kissed him back and enjoyed it. Every time they kissed she enjoyed it, and there was nothing she liked more than cuddling up with him. He made her feel safe, loved, protected. He had braved his greatest hell to rescue her from the Cardassians, risked that horror he had once been lucky to survive, and she'd known then that he loved her.

And she loved him.

Loved him with all her heart and soul. Those lonely and lost years after Neal, they were now just a distant memory. Now she was herself again, the self she had been before. When she looked at Justin, she felt fuzzy inside, fuzzy and happy, and life was wonderful.

"I've been thinking," Justin said as Kathryn closed up her coffee-flask, "how would you like to go skiing this weekend?"

Kathryn looked up at him, eyes sparkling. "Oh, I'd love to! But I thought you don't ski."

"I've been taking lessons."

"Really? Lessons?"

He nodded. "I know how much you love it and I wanted to learn so we can do it together."

"Oh, Justin," Kathryn said, deeply touched. "That's just...thank you. But you didn't have to. We do so many other things together."

"I know, but I wanted to." He smiled. "And I'm good now, so watch out."

Kathryn smiled back. "I don't doubt it." Then happy tears welled in her eyes. "I love you, Justin Tighe."

"I love you too."

They lost themselves in each other's eyes, then Kathryn lowered hers. "You know," she said, "we've been together for a long time now and...well...how about we do more than ski this weekend? How about we...stay at the resort?"

At these words, Justin reached for her hand and squeezed it. "I'd like that, Kathryn. But are you ready?"

Kathryn looked up at him now, up into his kind green eyes. "I am, Justin."

Tenderly, Justin brushed his fingers against her cheek. "Then so am I."

Their eyes locked again, then Justin kissed her softly.

* * *

><p>In a luxurious log cabin, high on the Swiss Alps, Kathryn stood by a small window, wrapped in a robe of blue satin, and looked out at the panoramic view before her. In the distance, white hills rolled into white mountains, and above them a black sky twinkled with stars. It was heaven. Heaven on Earth.<p>

Heavenly.

Life was heavenly.

That afternoon, Justin had given her the race of her life on the slopes; this evening they had enjoyed a fabulous Swiss meal on the verandah; and just now had soaked themselves in a hot, bubbly, bath. Kathryn had never been happier, had never felt more relaxed, and she was looking forward to the rest of the night. There were no doubts in her mind about the step she and Justin were about to take. It felt right. Everything felt right.

Perfect.

"Spectacular, isn't it?" Justin said, approaching now with two glasses of champagne in his hands. "Mesmerizing, even."

"Yes," Kathryn said, taking the champagne. "It's...incredible." She smiled. "But not as incredible as you."

Justin smiled back. "Ditto."

"Right now I feel...I feel happier than I've ever been in my entire life. Happier than I ever thought I could be. And that's...it's not because of where I am, it's because of who I'm with. You."

Tears filled Justin's eyes and he put down his glass. Then he took Kathryn's, put it down, and took her hands in his. "I feel the same, Kathryn. After the Cardassians, I...I didn't want to live anymore. I didn't know how to live. I felt dead inside, empty. But then you came into my life and everything changed. You gave me a reason to live, made me want to live, and tonight I'm glad to be alive."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "Me too."

"I love you so much."

"I love you."

Slowly, gently, they drew together and kissed tenderly. As the kiss deepened, Kathryn wrapped her arms around Justin's neck and let herself fall into him. His kisses moved to her neck, kissing with a rising passion, and Kathryn gasped at the sensations his hands and lips were evoking. Then, before she knew it, Justin was carrying her over to their bed, their huge four poster bed, and they were sinking into satin. His lips and hands moved over her body, slipped under her robe, and in between hot kisses he murmured her name. Then his hands were stroking her thighs, moving higher, and then...

And then the horror.

"No," Kathryn cried. "No...please!"

Justin instantly drew away, as though she was suddenly cold to the touch, and looked down at her. But Kathryn didn't see him. She was lost in another time, another place.

"No," she panted, tears steaming down her face. "No...No!"

"Kathryn," Justin said, tearful himself. "It's ok. Kathryn..."

Her name brought her back to the present and her glazed eyes focussed.

"It's ok, Kathryn," Justin said again. "Everything's ok."

Kathryn sobbed, her whole body shaking, and then she turned over and wept. Justin tried to gather her close, wanting and needing to hold her, but Kathryn recoiled at his touch and jumped off the bed.

Then she ran.

Ran out of the room, ran out of the cabin.

Ran and ran.

* * *

><p>Underneath a tree, next to a frozen lake, Kathryn shivered violently as she hugged and rocked her freezing body.<p>

Hell.

Heaven was now Hell.

The horror, the torture, the torment of the soul, it was back.

Back.

It had never left.

It would never leave.

Never, never, never.

"Kathryn?"

The voice was Justin's. Far away, like in a dream, but Justin's. Then it was louder, clearer, beside her.

"Kathryn? God, Kathryn!"

Then there was something warm around her, something soft. Then she was being lifted, carried, taken inside.

Inside.

Their cabin.

Then she was talking, talking through tears.

"I'm sorry," she wept. "So sorry."

"It's ok," Justin said, his voice kind. "Everything's ok."

He then put her down on the couch, kissed her, and spoke to someone else...someone not in the room.

"Cabin 10 to reception. We need a doctor. Medical..."

"No," Kathryn cried. "No doctor. Please...no doctor."

Justin hesitated, but then canceled his request for a doctor. Then he left the intercom, grabbed a med-kit, and gave Kathryn a hypospray for hypothermia. It took effect immediately and her shivering eased. But as it did, Kathryn curled herself into a ball and wept.

For a long time Justin watched her, unsure what to do, what to say, but finally he spoke.

"I love you, Kathryn," he said. "What's happened tonight hasn't changed that. It couldn't. But we need to talk. I think we needed to a long time ago."

Silence.

"You had a flashback, didn't you? I've seen them time enough to know."

Silence.

"Was it the Cardassians? Did they...you know?"

"No," Kathryn whispered. "It wasn't them."

"But it was someone?"

For a moment Kathryn didn't respond, then she nodded.

At this confirmation, confirmation of his greatest fear, Justin clenched his fists. But knowing that Kathryn didn't need his anger, just his love and strength, he swallowed it.

"Who, Kathryn?"

Silence.

"Kathryn?"

Suddenly, unexpectedly, Kathryn got to her feet. "I don't want to talk about this, Justin. And I don't want to be here anymore. I'm going home."

Justin stood too. "But, Kathryn..."

"And I don't want to see you again. Not ever."

"Kathryn..." he protested.

"I mean it, Justin. We're over."

With that, she walked over to the intercom and pressed it.

"Cabin 10 to reception. Home transport. Janeway only."

Justin was beside her now. "Don't go, Kath. Please."

But then a blue transporter beam engulfed her and she dematerialized.

* * *

><p>When she rematerialized, Kathryn found herself in the lounge of the apartment she lived in alone in San Francisco. It was raining outside, the sky a cloudy gray, and a wind was blowing.<p>

Sobbing, shaking, Kathryn addressed the computer.

"Computer, deny Justin Tighe entry. Remove his access privileges."

The computer instantly replied.

"Privileges removed."

"And block his calls. I don't want to speak to him."

"Block in place."

Then, her broken heart bleeding, her soul screaming, Kathryn collapsed onto the couch, hugged a cushion, and wept.

* * *

><p>THREE DAYS LATER<p>

In a park near the research facility where she currently worked, Kathryn sat alone, during her lunch hour, by a pond that glistened in the sun. This part of the park was secluded, closed off from the rest by tall trees, and she was glad of the solitude. Somehow, she had managed to carry on after the weekend, had managed to greet her colleagues with a smile and get down to work, but inside she was dying. Why had it happened? What had she reacted to Justin that way? She loved him, trusted him. Loved him and trusted him with all that she was. Why had their heaven so quickly turned to hell?

Because of Neal.

He had ruined her life once, had taken from her something that could never be got back, and now he had ruined it again.

Ruined.

Her life was ruined.

Her life was hell.

"Hi, Kathryn."

At the sound of her name, spoken by Justin, Kathryn froze.

"I know you don't want to see me," he went on, "but I want to see you. I need to see you."

Summoning all her strength, a strength that always seemed to come from the unknown, Kathryn got to her feet and turned to face him.

"I meant what I said, Justin. It's over between us."

"I don't believe that," he said kindly. "It certainly isn't over for me. I love you."

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes now, and her strength started to fail. "Don't," she replied, turning towards the pond. "Just go."

Slowly, Justin closed the gap between them.

"Love doesn't run away, Kathryn. Love isn't a coward. Love stays and fights." Gently, he put his hand on her shoulder. "If I'd have known what I do now, then everything about this weekend would have been different. But I didn't know. I didn't have a clue. If there were signs, I missed them. I'm sorry."

"No," Kathryn said as a tear ran down her cheek. "I'm sorry. I thought I was ready. I thought the ghosts of the past were truly laid to rest. But they're not. And that means...and that means I can never be what you need. So forget about me, Justin. Forget about me and find someone else."

"I don't want anyone else, Kathryn. I only want you."

Kathryn turned to him tearfully. "But what about sex? I don't know if...if I ever can. And that's...it's not fair to you."

"What isn't fair to me is asking me to live without you. You're everything to me, Kathryn. The rest...we'll work it out."

"How?"

"By taking intimacy slowly, by getting professional help."

Kathryn lowered her eyes. "A shrink, you mean."

"There's no shame in that. I've seen a million." His hand found her shoulder again. "We'll get through this, Kathryn. I promise."

Another tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "I appreciate the sentiment, Justin. I appreciate your commitment, but I...I can't burden you with this. My problem is my problem and it should stay that way. You're a wonderful man, the best I've ever known, and you'll find someone else."

"Like I said, I don't want anyone else. Just you. Just you for the rest of my life."

"But..."

"Marry me, Kathryn."

At this, Kathryn looked up at him. "You're serious, aren't you?"

"Very. I love you and I want to be at your side always. I want to be there through the good times and the bad. That's what love is, Kathryn. It's there no matter what." Tenderly, he brushed his fingers against her tears. "You're going to do great things, Kathryn. I know it. You're gifted, brave, hardworking, and an incredible officer. But no matter what you achieve, no matter how famous you become, nothing would be as great to me as the privilege of calling myself your husband." He smiled, infinite love in his eyes. "Marry me, Kathryn Janeway."

Kathryn was going to say no, was going to insist that they were over, but as she looked into his eyes, those eyes she loved that glowed with love for her, all her doubts and fears suddenly faded. Faded into nothing, leaving only love behind. And love, when loved, can only smile.

"Yes," she said through tears. "I will...I will."

Justin laughed from joy and then scooped her up in his arms. Kathryn hugged him back, hugged him hard, and then laughed too as he spun her around.

Spun her around and sent the shadows away.

Sent them away and lit up her world.

* * *

><p>A WEEK LATER<p>

On the porch of her childhood home in Bloomington, beneath the light of a silvery moon, Kathryn said goodbye to Justin. He was leaving Earth for Starbase FX-5, and would not be back for a month. On Kathryn's left hand was a beautiful engagement ring of emerald, a ring she had proudly shown her family over dinner, and it glimmered in the moonlight.

"I'm going to miss you so much," Kathryn said, her arms around his neck. "If I had a temporal transporter, I'd beam myself into the future so I could skip the next month."

Justin smiled. "Me too. But the time will pass soon enough."

"Not for me. I'm going to miss you every moment of every day."

Justin tapped her nose. "Ditto. But we'll soon be together again. Just think, in a month's time we'll be on our way to the Tau Ceti system in your father's brand new ship."

"Yes. But did you really offer to pilot or did he talk you into it?"

"I offered. I've always wanted to test-fly a ship. It's a pilot's dream."

Kathryn smiled. "Then I'm glad we'll be making your dream come true."

Justin looked deep into her eyes. "You already have."

Kathryn's eyes moistened at that and she raised her lips to his in a tender kiss. Justin kissed her back, and they kissed softly, kissed long.

* * *

><p>A MONTH LATER<p>

The Terra Nova, her father's prototype ship, was the classiest ship of its kind that either Kathryn or Justin had ever seen. It was small, designed for short-range missions only, but it was fast, easily maneuverable, and well defended. As it did not have bedrooms, and the Tau Ceti system was a three day journey from Earth, they had stayed for the last two nights at space stations enroute. The rooms at stations were always basic, generally containing bunks of two beds or four, and the three of them had ended up sharing a four sleeper room both nights. Kathryn was glad, as sharing a bunk room with her father had avoided the complications that could have arisen had she and Justin been offered a double room. Her father would think it strange if she and Justin did not want to share a room, and she would feel terrible if they did share and Justin had to sleep on the floor. While she was determined to beat her problem, and had already registered with a therapist, it would not have been wise for her and Justin to share a bed so soon. She had learnt the hard way that trying to run before taking baby steps only led to a fall.

Sitting at the helm, admiring the jewel on her finger and imagining wedding dresses and cakes, Kathryn only vaguely heard her father tell Justin to engage the port thrusters. She also only vaguely registered Justin's reply. It was only when her father cried out in alarm that Kathryn's senses tuned in to their world, but then...

Then she was falling.

Falling and floating.

Drifting.

Dreaming.

Ice. Icebergs. Frozen Water.

Dying.

Death.

Dreaming.

"Kathryn?"

A voice. Her sister's voice.

"Kathryn...I'm here."

Kathryn opened her eyes, her hurting eyes, and focussed on the blurred face above her. It was Phoebe's face.

"Phoebe," she whispered. "What happened? Where am I?"

"Safe," Phoebe said, her voice tearful. "Oh, Kathryn, we thought we'd lost you."

Lost her? Where had she been? How was she found?

And then...

And then she remembered.

Remembered the ship, remembered falling, remembered an iceberg.

Remembered, and yet didn't remember. Everything was hazy, confused.

"Daddy," she said, "Justin, are they...?"

Silence.

Then sobs. Phoebe's sobs. "I'm so sorry, Kathryn."

For a moment the world stood still, the very universe, then a pain greater than Kathryn had ever known consumed her. A pain so excruciating that all she could do was scream.

And then...

And then the last light went out in her soul.

END OF CHAPTER FOUR


	5. Chapter 5

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures.**

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER FIVE**

**18 Months Later**

Alone in her quarters on the USS Zeffara, quarters that she shared with her old friend, Holly, Kathryn lay on her bed and looked out at the stars. It had been eighteen months since the accident, eighteen long and lonely months, and not a day went by when she didn't think of Justin and her father. She missed them so much that her heart constantly ached, and she knew she would miss them forever. So many times since that terrible day she had wished she was dead, wished she had died with them on that icy planet, but somehow she had gone on living.

Living.

Living if the life she led now could be called living. It was a life of duty, regiment, order, discipline, and work. Without order to her day, without structure, she could not function. But there were times, times like tonight, when she didn't want to function. She just wanted to die. Fade away and die.

Suddenly, the room's door opened and Holly came in. The woman was a science officer now, an exo-botanist, and her once long hair was short.

"Here you are," she said. "I've been looking for you all over."

Kathryn said nothing, just continued to gaze out of the window.

"We had an awesome time on the planet, you wouldn't believe the kind of wildlife there, but that isn't the half of it."

She sat herself down on Kathryn's bed.

"Trent Farnworth has the hots for you."

Silence.

"Didn't you hear what I said?" Holly asked. "Trent Farnworth likes you."

Slowly, reluctantly, Kathryn turned away from the window.

"I'm not interested, Holly."

"Not interested? He's the hottest guy on the ship? Well, maybe that's an exaggeration, because Greg Larson is the hottest man ever, but he's certainly one of them. Aren't you in the least bit flattered?"

"No," Kathryn answered bluntly.

"But..."

"And I don't want to talk about this. If he likes me, he'll just have to get over it. And he will."

"How do you know? Just give him a chance, Kathryn. It's coming on two years since Justin and..."

Kathryn interrupted. "And I still miss him every day!"

At this, Holly was humbled, and she gently put her hand on her friend's shoulder. "I know. And I'm sorry. But he loved you, Kathryn, and he'd want you to be happy. He'd want you to find someone else and live life to the full. The way you're living now, just working, eating and sleeping, that's no life. You need to start enjoying yourself, taking pleasure in things again. I know you don't need a man for that, and I know you're not easily impressed with guys, but having someone at your side, walking with you through life, it can make things just that little bit easier."

Kathryn turned back to the window as a tear ran down her cheek. "No man will ever compare to Justin."

"No. But should one? We're all different, Kath, and we all love people in different ways. My mother can never compare to my father, and my father can never compare to my mother, but I love them both equally. No man will ever replace Justin in your heart, no man ever should, but that doesn't mean you can't love another man as much."

There was a lot of truth in those words, a truth that Kathryn couldn't deny, but still she wasn't ready to let go of Justin.

"I'm worried about you, Kath," Holly went on. "You're working too hard and don't even have time for yourself, let alone for friends. I think you need to talk to someone, to the ship's counselor."

At this, Kathryn sat up and faced her friend. "I'm fine, Holly, really. I don't need to talk to anyone."

"I think you do, Kath. Dealing with all this grief by yourself, it isn't...it isn't good."

"How else am I supposed to deal with it? What can a counselor do? Bring back Justin and Daddy?"

"He can help you get better. Can talk things through, help you deal with how you're feeling."

"It's a waste of time, Holly. I had a few sessions after...you know...and it didn't do any good. The woman just asked questions. She didn't give answers."

"But that's what they do. It's a way of..."

"Of what? Unlocking dark secrets? Finding the root of all your problems? Well, I don't need a shrink to tell me what mine are. I know what they are. I know because I live them every day. And with Justin gone, there is no reason to get over them. So don't lecture me about counselors and therapists. I know what's in my head, I know how ugly it is there, and there's not one damn shrink who can do anything about it!"

"Kathryn..."

"I know you mean well, Holly, I know you have my best interests at heart, but I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself."

Holly got to her feet. "And this is taking care of yourself, is it? Working yourself to death, eating so little your bones are sticking out, shutting out everyone who has ever cared? Well, you're not going to shut me out, Kathryn, because no matter what you say, I'm never getting off your case. You're my best friend and I love you!"

At these unexpected words, tears filled Kathryn's eyes, and then...and then she was weeping.

Gently, Holly sat beside her and drew her close.

"Oh Holly," Kathryn said, leaning into her friend. "I'm so sorry."

"It's ok," Holly replied. "It's ok."

"No," Kathryn sobbed. "Everything's not ok. Everything's a mess."

"I know. But things will get easier, I promise. But you have to try to make them easier. You have to start living again."

"How? I don't know how."

"By listening to your best friend Holly."

Kathryn closed her eyes as Holly stroked her now bobbed hair. "What does she say?"

"That you should give Trent Farnworth a chance."

"I can't, Hol. I'm not ready."

"You are, Kath. You're as ready as you'll ever be. He's a great guy, sexy and smart, and could be just what you need." She kissed Kathryn's hair. "Go on, just one date."

"I don't know," Kathryn said. "Me and dates...I don't know."

"Exactly, you don't know."

"But he hasn't even asked me yet. Who's to say he will?"

Holly drew away. "Then promise me this. If he asks, you'll accept."

Kathryn was going to say no, but ended up nodding. "Ok."

"Promise?"

Kathryn gave a wan smile. "I promise."

At this, Holly smiled triumphantly. "Then you'd better get yourself into something classy, because you have a date in approximately half an hour."

Kathryn flinched. "What?" Then, when she realized Holly's trap, she laughed. "Holly Jackson, you cunning fox."

"I know," she beamed. "But a promise is a promise, so get yourself dressed. Trent is expecting you in his quarters at 20:00 hours."

Kathryn got to her feet, smiling in spite of herself. "I'll get you for this, Holly Jackson, you mark my words."

"Oh," Holly said, standing too, "by the end of the night you'll be thanking me."

"Either that or killing you," Kathryn said.

Holly laughed. "I'll take the chance."

* * *

><p>At exactly 20:00 hours, wearing at Holly's insistence a black dress, Kathryn arrived at Trent Farnworth's quarters. Holly escorted her to the door, to make sure she didn't bolt, and didn't leave until Kathryn stepped through the door. Trent Farnworth was waiting for her, out of uniform and wearing a black shirt over blue pants, and he greeted her with a smile.<p>

"Hi, Kathryn," he said. "You look...wonderful."

Kathryn smiled, and thanked him, but already felt uncomfortable. What was she doing here? Why had she let Holly talk, or rather trick, her into it? Trent was a nice guy, a very impressive astrophysicist, and was definitely handsome with his slick black hair and blue eyes, but she wasn't in the least bit interested in him. In him or any other man. Her heart was still Justin's.

"I'm afraid dinner is replicated," he said, gesturing to an elegantly decorated table, "as I've not long finished my shift so didn't have time to cook. But some might say that's a blessing as I'm a terrible cook."

"Well," Kathryn replied, "I'm not much of one myself. In fact, I can't even cook toast without setting off the smoke alarm."

Trent laughed, a warm, infectious, laugh, that made Kathryn laugh too. And in laughing, the tension between them dissolved.

"Please," Trent said, "sit down."

Kathryn sat at the table, which had candles and flowers, and Trent picked up a bottle of wine.

"Wine?"

Normally, Kathryn didn't drink. She liked always to be in control, and alcohol threatened that control. But as she was as tense as a sprained muscle, she thought a little wine would help loosen her up.

"Please..."

Trent smiled and opened the bottle.

"I'm so glad you're here," he said. "I think you're an amazing woman, beautiful and clever, and I'm glad of this chance to get to know you better."

"Me too," Kathryn said, not exactly truthfully, "but don't set your expectations too high, ok? I'm still coming to terms with the death of my fiancé and am not really looking for anything serious."

Disappointment dulled Trent's eyes, but he put a brave face on it and poured himself a glass of wine. "I understand," he said. "And that's ok. Whatever you want is fine with me, whether that's just dinner or something more. We're both adults. No strings attached."

Kathryn gave a wan smile. "Thank you."

"So, what would you like to eat? Seeing as it's replicated, I thought I'd let you choose."

"Lasagna would be good. Followed by coffee cake."

Trent smiled. "Then lasagna and coffee cake it is."

* * *

><p>When dinner was over, Kathryn and Trent left the table for his couch. Whether it was the alcohol loosening her inhibitions, or whether it was Trent's company, Kathryn was enjoying the evening far more than she'd expected to. Trent was a good conversationalist, an equally good listener, and he had a wicked sense of humor. For the first time in a long time Kathryn found herself laughing, laughing until her sides ached, and it felt good. So good. Every now and then she topped up her wine, feeling more relaxed with every mouthful, and found herself edging closer to Trent as the night passed. The jokes just kept on coming, the laughter too, and then...<p>

And then before Kathryn knew it they were kissing.

Kissing, touching, feeling...

In his bed...

Oblivion.

* * *

><p>Groggy, and with a head like hell, Kathryn stirred awake. As she did, her aching eyes observed unfamiliar surroundings, and her heart began to race. Where was she? How did she get here? Then she felt silk against her skin, soft satin, and she realized she was naked.<p>

Naked.

But before she could ponder that further, there was movement beside her, and then a face was looking down at her.

A man's face.

Trent's face.

Trent. Memories of the night before suddenly came flooding back and Kathryn knew where she was. She was in Trent's bed.

"Hi," he said, smiling. "Sleep well?"

Smiling. He was smiling.

Then...

Then she'd done it. She'd slept with him. No horror, no flashbacks. She'd done it. After all these years, all the fears and heartache, she'd done it. She'd had sex.

Sex.

She was normal.

Finally, she was normal.

Free.

And with that thought came a sudden and overwhelming euphoria.

"Yes," she smiled, grinning from ear to ear. "Well...all's well."

Trent kissed her neck now, kissed and spoke. "That was quite a night last night. Want to do it again some time?"

Quite a night.

Then she'd been good. Not a disappointment. Good.

"Yes," she smiled. "Oh yes..."

"Then how about tonight?"

"Tonight," she repeated. "Tonight."

Trent kissed his way to her mouth now, plunged it, and then got out of bed.

"What would you like for breakfast?"

Kathryn sat up, glowing all over. "Croissants, I think. Croissants and coffee."

Trent slipped on a robe, a silky black one, and then smiled. "Croissants and coffee it is."

He leant forward, kissing her mouth one more time, and then left.

When he was gone, Kathryn flopped back down on the bed, smiling still, and let her soul soar in ecstasy.

* * *

><p>When Kathryn finally reported for duty, an hour later than she should have, Holly pounced on her in excitement.<p>

"Well, what time do you call this, missy? Spill, spill, spill!"

Kathryn grinned. "Let's just say I had a very memorable night."

Holly drew her close and hugged her tight. "Oh, I knew you'd have a good time, I knew it! Oh, I'm so happy!"

Kathryn hugged her friend back. "Me too, Hol. Me too."

"Are you seeing him again?" Holly asked as she drew away. "Oh, you must be."

"I am," Kathryn answered. "Tonight, same time, same place."

Holly almost jumped up and down in joy. "Oh, fantastic, Kath. Fantastic!"

* * *

><p>In a very short dress of gold satin, and more make-up than she'd worn in years, Kathryn happily made her way to Trent's quarters for their second date. She was still on a high after their last, still pinching herself to make sure she wasn't dreaming. For so many years she'd been a prisoner of the past, haunted by Neal's ghost, but now she was free. Free. Now she was like other women. Now she was normal.<p>

"Wow," Trent said when she stepped into the room. "Just wow."

Kathryn smiled and twirled. "Like it, Sir?"

"Like it," he said, almost drooling. "Love it!"

"Good," she flirted. "Because I'm dressed for you."

Trent grinned and then pulled her into his arms. "How about we skip dinner and go straight to dessert?"

Kathryn understood his meaning and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Just what I was hoping for."

With that invitation, Trent kissed her, kissed her passionately, and then pushed her against the wall.

Kathryn gasped, fear rising, but as his hands and lips explored her body she battled to stay in control.

She was normal.

She could do this.

Normal.

When his lips kissed hers, she kissed him back, kissed him with bruising force.

And then...

And then he was inside her. Riding, riding.

Kathryn clutched him, numb and empty, frozen...

And then...

And then he was off her, leaning against the door, sighing in pleasure.

Pleasure.

But she felt sick.

So sick that she was going to throw up.

"Wow," Trent said, "you're quite a woman. Wow."

And then...

And then for once Lady Luck was on her side.

"Captain Henson to Lieutenant Janeway. Report to my ready room as soon as possible."

At that calling, Trent groaned. "Damn," he moaned. "Damn...but I guess duty calls." He was then standing over her. "See you later?"

Kathryn gave a dazed nod, and then left.

* * *

><p>In the bathroom of her quarters, Kathryn wept as she gulped down a glass of water. She felt sick. Even though she'd just thrown up in the toilet, she still felt sick. Why had it all gone so wrong? Why hadn't she enjoyed it like the night before? Because she must have then. She couldn't remember the horror. Couldn't remember the sick.<p>

Couldn't remember the sex.

The wine.

The great slumberer of the senses had got her through it.

Had made her a woman. Had made her normal.

Without it, without it she was a quivering wreck in a bathroom mirror.

"Captain Henson to Lieutenant Janeway. Report to my ready room as soon as possible."

At this second call, Kathryn took a deep breath, wiped away her tears, and then forced herself into officer mode.

Ten minutes later, she was in uniform and on her way to the ready room.

* * *

><p>Captain Henson, a middle-aged woman with short gray hair and brown eyes, greeted Kathryn with a smile.<p>

"Good evening, Lieutenant," she said. "Please, take a seat."

Kathryn made her way over to the Captain's desk, thinking they were to talk business, but the kind woman stopped her.

"Not there," she said. "Let's sit by the window. It's more comfortable."

Kathryn followed her superior over to the window, which had a blue couch running underneath it, and sat down as she did.

"I've taken the liberty of replicating a pot of coffee," the Captain went on, "as I hear you have a fondness for it." She gestured to the pot, which was lying on a glass table between two cups. "Shall we?"

Kathryn nodded. "Thank you."

The Captain poured them both a cup of steaming black coffee, then handed one to Kathryn.

"The reason I've called you here," she said, "is because I'd like to have a little chat. Not about your work, that's exemplary as always, in fact you're the brightest officer I've ever had the privilege of commanding, but about you. I'm concerned about the amount of hours you're putting in. Me and several of your commanding officers. There's such a thing as working too hard."

So, Holly wasn't the only one to have concerns. Damn them. Why did they all think they had the right to an opinion? It was her life. Hers.

"I'm fine," Kathryn declared. "I love my job and I thrive on study."

"I know you do, and with a mind like yours I'm not surprised, but there has to be a balance in life. I'm concerned about the way you're isolating yourself from the crew, the way you spend every spare moment working." She paused. "I'd like you to see our resident counselor. You suffered a terrible personal tragedy of late and..."

Before the Captain could finish, Kathryn got to her feet. "With all due respect, Captain," she said, "if you're happy with my work then my personal life is my personal life. I don't need to see the counselor. I'm perfectly fine. Yes, I'm grieving, and maybe I will for the rest of my life, but I'm coping. I get out of bed, I do my job, and I sleep at night. Maybe one day I'll learn to love life again, but unless this counselor can bring back my father and fiancé, he's of no use to me."

"Kathryn," the Captain protested.

"I appreciate your concern," Kathryn continued, "but it's unwarranted. Now, if that's all, permission to be dismissed."

The Captain hesitated, a heavy sadness in her eyes, but then she nodded.

Kathryn nodded back and then left.

* * *

><p>Sitting alone in the ship's only bar, Kathryn drowned her sorrows with a glass of tequila. Holly...the Captain...her commanding officers...who were they to judge her? What did they know of her life? They knew nothing. Not a thing. And what a blessing that was for them because her life was hell. It had been hell for years. Maybe it always would be. But she was a good officer, her work made a difference, and if that was the only purpose to her life, to this fleeting mortal existence, then it had to be enough. It was enough. It was more than some people could say.<p>

And yet...

And yet the yearning. The yearning to be more than a walking, talking, encyclopedia of science. The yearning to be a woman, to be a wife and a mother, to have a husband and a home.

Home.

Space was her home now. That black void of nothing, that great abyss of emptiness, that was where she lived. It was where she would always live. Never would she have the things her girlish heart had dreamed of. Never would she have that home in the mountains, that rustic garden for dogs to run in and children to play in, that magnificent balcony to sit on with her husband and watch the sun go down.

Never, ever.

"Hi."

Kathryn looked up from her drink into the face of Lieutenant Wayne Parker.

"Hi," she said.

"How's life in lab 10?"

"I don't suppose that different from life in lab 9."

"Oh, I don't know," he smiled, climbing onto a stool, "with all the beauty and brains in lab 10, it's got to be a more exciting place."

Kathryn smiled. Only she and Lieutenant Frank Manks were assigned to lab 10. "Who's beauty and who's brains?"

Wayne moved in closer. "Let's just say, not Lieutenant Manks."

Kathryn laughed.

"I don't think I've seen you here before," Wayne went on. "But it's good to have you here."

"Right now," Kathryn said, lifting the umbrella out of her tequila and sucking off a cherry, "it's good to be here."

"I hope you'll come more often."

Kathryn edged closer, emboldened by alcohol. "For who's benefit? Mine or yours?"

"Definitely mine," Wayne answered.

Kathryn looked into his eyes, her vision slightly out of focus, and smiled. "I like honesty in a man."

Wayne moved in again, his face just millimeters from hers. "Anything else you like?"

Kathryn smiled, skimmed her lips against his, and then drew back. "That would be saying."

"You know," Wayne said as Kathryn ordered a second tequila, "this place gets pretty crowded. How would you like to...talk...somewhere else?"

Kathryn took her drink, downed half of it, and then turned back to him. "I can think of better uses for a tongue."

Wayne laughed. "So can I. In fact, I'd love to demonstrate."

"No strings?"

"None except the cellos playing a one night symphony."

"Then, Sir," Kathryn said seductively, "let's make them sing."

The guy beamed a smile. "I'll just get my jacket."

As he did, Kathryn downed the rest of her drink and then requested a bottle of wine. The holographic barmaid gave her one and then, when Wayne was ready, Kathryn left with him.

* * *

><p>The following morning, when Kathryn woke up in another strange bed, this time she was alone. As she sat up, her head banging and her body hurting, she saw there was a note on the pillow beside her. Kathryn picked it up, her fingers shaky, and strained her eyes to read the words:<p>

_Dear K. On early shift. Thanks for last night. You were amazing. W._

Amazing.

She was amazing.

And yet she could barely remember.

But she was amazing.

Normal.

Yet not normal.

Normal women didn't need to be drunk to have sex. Normal women could just do it.

But at least now she could do it.

Normal.

Or close enough.

"Holly to Kathryn."

The voice came through Kathryn's commbadge. Where exactly the commbadge was, Kathryn couldn't immediately tell, but when Holly spoke again, she tracked it to her jacket, which was folded over the back of a chair with the rest of her uniform. Wayne must have done that. Considerate of him.

"Holly to Kathryn."

With a sigh, Kathryn got out of bed, picked up her commbadge, and responded.

"Kathryn here."

"I don't mean to be a killjoy," Holly said, "but you're due on the bridge in thirty minutes. You don't want to be late two days in a row."

"No," Kathryn said. "Thanks for the warning."

"Any time. Catch you later."

Holly then terminated the connection and all fell silent.

Slowly, painfully, Kathryn put down her jacket and started to put on her uniform. It took a while, as her senses were sluggish, but at last she was done. Then she downed a replicated coffee and made her way to the bathroom to freshen up. It was a small bathroom, windowless like hers, and had only a sink, toilet and shower. Kathryn washed her face in the sink, rinsed out her mouth with mouthwash, and then took out the comb she kept in her jacket pocket to style her wild hair.

Wild and reckless.

Just like her.

Two men in one night.

How had that happened? It just had.

And now?

And now she looked like hell.

Underneath her feral hair, her face was pale, her eyes black shadows, and lovebites covered her neck.

Love.

There had not been love.

But that had made it easier.

That and alcohol.

But now as she looked at herself in the mirror, instead of a haunted frigid woman, a ghost of a girl she once had been, she saw a passionate and fiery woman. A woman who could sleep with two men in one night.

She liked that woman better.

That woman would stay.

END OF CHAPTER FIVE


	6. Chapter 6

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures.**

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER SIX**

**Five Years Later**

The summer air was hot and sultry. By an open window in her high-rise apartment in San Francisco, Kathryn sat on a sofa, wrapped in a white robe, and brushed her long hair. It was black, straight, and had a heavy fringe that almost reached her eyes. Then Kathryn opened her make-up box, pulled out the items she needed, and applied them before a portable mirror. Starfleet was holding its annual Fancy Dress Ball, an event that Kathryn hadn't been to since her Academy days, and she was looking forward to it. Holly was going too, as were a bunch of colleagues, and any moment now her friend would arrive. Then they would transport to Jupiter Hall together. It was a large hall in one of Starfleet's biggest facilities and was surrounded by a small, but beautiful, park.

Suddenly, chimes filled the air and the computer spoke.

"Incoming transport request, Holly Pemberton."

Kathryn finished applying blood red lipstick and then accepted the request.

"Accept."

Seconds later, Holly materialized. The pretty woman was wearing a shimmering blue flapper dress, matching high heel shoes, and on her head was a blonde bob wig.

"Hi," Kathryn smiled. "Nice outfit."

"Thanks," Holly replied. "Don't you just love the dress? I wish I'd been alive in the 1920's!"

Kathryn put her lipstick into a gold handbag. "With men calling all the shots? I don't think so."

"Oh, it wasn't that bad. Women's lib and all that. And who are you to talk? You're obsessed with Victoriana."

Kathryn picked up a gold headband and placed it on her head. "I wouldn't say obsessed, exactly, but I do love the era."

"So, who are you going as? Queen Victoria?"

Kathryn laughed and gestured to her hair. "Do I look like Queen Victoria?"

"I guess not," Holly laughed back. "Then who?"

"Can't you tell?"

Now that Holly looked properly, and noted the black hair, black eyeliner, and red lipstick, the answer was obvious. "Cleopatra?"

"Got it in one."

"Brave choice. But I love the wig. It looks so real!"

"That's because it is. I can't abide wigs and, as I haven't changed my style in ages, I thought I'd go midnight for a while. The fringe, though, I'll extend it out tomorrow. I haven't had one since I was five and don't intended to again."

"What will you wear?" Holly asked. "A tunic or something?"

"Oh, I'm dressed already," Kathryn told her. "I just didn't want to get make-up all over my costume."

"Of course. Silly me. But if you're all painted up now, let me have a look!"

Kathryn smiled and got to her feet. "Gladly."

Holly watched as Kathryn took off her robe, eager to see her friend's costume, but when she saw the outfit Kathryn was wearing, her face fell. Instead of a tunic, or even a dress, Kathryn was clad in little more than a skimpy white bikini top and a matching mini skirt. The top was banded with shimmering gold, the skirt draped with a jeweled belt, and around Kathryn's neck was an Egyptian collar, but these adornments, aswell as a gold snake armlet on her left arm and a gold cape flowing down her back, did not distract from the fact that Kathryn was wearing next to nothing.

"What's the matter?" Kathryn asked, seeing her friend's disapproval. "Don't you like it?"

Holly, never one to mince her words, gave an honest reply. "In one word, no."

Kathryn sighed. "What's wrong with it?"

"There's nothing wrong with it," Holly replied. "There's just not much of it."

Kathryn sat again and began to put more make-up into her handbag. "Since when have you cared about that? I want some spice, Holly. It's been a while since I've had some action in the sack and I don't mean to sleep alone tonight."

Holly looked at Kathryn in concern. "When is it going to stop, Kath?"

"What?" Kathryn asked flippantly.

"This sleeping around. This reckless behavior."

Kathryn zipped up her handbag and then slipped on gold high heels. "My sex life is none of your business. I've told you that before."

"I'm making it my business. I'm worried about you, Kath. You go home with strangers, bring strangers to your home, and throw yourself around like a slut. Why? Don't you want more? Don't you want respect and commitment from a guy?"

"No," Kathryn answered bluntly. "I like my life just the way it is."

"I don't believe that. Not for a second."

"Then start."

Holly stepped closer and then sat on the sofa next to Kathryn. "I think you need help, Kath. Since Justin...You've never come to terms with it. All this...throwing yourself at guys, having drunken sex with strangers night after night...it's not you."

"Only when I'm home," Kathryn said, turning to her. "I live the life of a nun in space."

"Only because you nearly got demoted for drunken and reckless behavior. But it doesn't matter where you do it, home or space, what matters is why you feel the need to. It isn't right, Kath, and it isn't you. And I know it isn't you because you're only that way when you're drunk. It's like...it's like you become another person. You've got to stop. And I'm not going to be fobbed off this time. You've got to stop numbing your pain and start facing up to your problems."

"Problems?" Kathryn cried, getting to her feet. "You're the problem, Holly! You and every one else who thinks they have a right to interfere in my life! Well you don't. What I do, or don't do, is none of your business!"

"But you're better than this, Kathryn. You..."

"What? Should settle down like you? Should limit myself to one guy because you have? Double standard, Holly! You played the field hard enough when you were single!"

"No," Holly retaliated, standing too. "No, I didn't! Yes, I liked to flirt, and yes I've had my share of lovers, but I've never slept with strangers. Not the way you do. I've only ever slept with men I cared about."

"Well, that's great for you, Holly, fuzzy-snuzzy, but we don't all have that luxury!"

"But you can, Kathryn. You can have it. A lot of decent guys have shown interest in you over the years, guys who would make great husbands, but you never give them a chance. You brush them off and sleep with losers."

"I don't want a husband, Holly! Not ever! I met my Mr Perfect, my knight in shining armor, but unlike you I didn't get to marry him! There will never be another man for me, never!"

"So, what? You're going to sleep around for the rest of your life? Is that what you want? To be nothing more than a man's sex toy? Because I don't think it is what you want, Kathryn. I know you. I know you better than anyone. I know you want what I have. You always did. More than me once."

"That was a long time ago. People change."

"Yes, but..."

"My life is my life, Holly, and if you can't accept me for what I am, then I don't want you in it!"

"Kathryn..."

"I mean it, Holly! If you don't like how I live my life then don't watch!"

Tears filled Holly's eyes and she lowered them. "I'm only trying to be a friend, Kath. I worry about you."

"I know," Kathryn said, softening. "But there's no need. I'm fine."

"But for how long?" Holly asked, looking up at her again. "What if one of these guys hurts you? Or what if you get pregnant?"

"I won't," Kathryn said firmly. "I've taken care of that."

"How do you mean?"

"I'm sterilized."

"Sterilized? But what if you want children someday?"

"Then I'll get it reversed. It's only a two second job, you know. This is the twenty-fourth century."

"I know, but..." Sadly, tearfully, Holly turned away and looked out of the window. "This is all my fault. If I hadn't set you up on that date with Trent Farnworth then everything would be different. All this started then. That night. I thought the date would set you on the road to recovery, but instead it sent you down this one. I'm sorry."

Kathryn closed the gap between them. "I made my own choices, Hol. You're not to blame for...for anything. You've always been here for me, the best friend I've ever known, and you've always tried to do right by me. I know my life is...messy...but it's not because of you. I am what I am because...because life has made me this way."

Holly turned to her. "But why do you do it, Kathryn? Why all the men?"

"I don't know," she answered. And that was the truth. It wasn't for the sex. She hardly ever remembered the sex. Always she was drunk. And it wasn't because she enjoyed the lifestyle. She didn't. It was...

It was a habit.

A hunger.

The need to feel normal.

The desire to be someone else.

An addiction that she couldn't shake.

Gently, Holly put her hand on Kathryn's arm. "Please talk to someone, Kath. You don't have to live this way."

Kathryn pulled away. "It's too late, Holly. And I don't want to talk about this. Let's just go to the party."

"But..."

"Now, Holly, or we'll be late."

At the steeled look on Kathryn's face, the all too familiar stubbornness, Holly reluctantly gave in. "Ok, Kath."

"Glad that's settled. Now, pass me my bag and we'll be on our way."

Holly did as she said and then Kathryn requested a beam out.

* * *

><p>"I can't believe how amazing you look," Sarah Newton said as she and Kathryn collected a fourth round of drinks from Jupiter Hall's bar, "you look magnificent."<p>

"Thank you," Kathryn smiled. "You look great too."

"Hardly," she replied, looking down at her blue cowgirl outfit. "I look totally out of place. Everyone else is in dresses or skirts, but I'm in pants and shirt."

"Not everyone," Kathryn teased. "I haven't seen a man in a dress yet. Not even in a Scottish kilt."

Sarah laughed. "But you'd love to, wouldn't you? The kilt, I mean. Because you know what they say...under no unders."

Kathryn smiled. "And you'd know all about that, wouldn't you?"

"I wish!" The woman then sighed. "I wish too that I had your confidence. I'd never dare wear your outfit."

"Why not? As they say, if you've got it, flaunt it. Or, if you haven't, show a bit of flesh."

Sarah laughed again and then the two women rejoined their friends at a table. Holly was amongst them, sitting next to a black woman in a leopard print dress, and she spoke to Kathryn as she sat. The earlier tension between them was gone now, courtesy of the vibrant environment and alcohol, and they were friends again.

"Kath," she said. "Oh, Kath. You'll never guess who I've just seen."

"Who?" Kathryn asked.

"That guy."

"What guy?" She then glanced at the listening girls and teased. "There have been a few."

The girls laughed.

"Him," Holly went on. "That guy from the lecture...years ago. You know...the psychic lady."

The girl in the leopard print dress made a spooky "ooooohhh" noise and the others giggled.

"Really?" Kathryn said, looking around the room. "Where?"

"Standing at the bar," Holly replied. "Over there."

Kathryn looked where she was pointing and, sure enough, saw that handsome man of years ago. He was older now, his black hair speckled with silver, but he looked as dashing as ever in the black suit he was wearing. So dashing that Kathryn could hardly breathe.

"Well," Holly said. "Is it? Is it him?"

"Yes," Kathryn answered, pulling her eyes away. "It's him."

"Oh, I knew it! I knew it!"

Sarah spoke now. "Tell us more! Tell us all!"

Suddenly uncomfortable, Kathryn picked up her glass of wine and downed it. "Nothing to tell."

"Oh, everything to tell," Holly said. Then she told it. "Kathryn and I were at this public lecture one day, years and years ago now, and this psychic woman came up to her and told her she had to meet this guy, that he was the one."

"Really, Kath?" Sarah asked, fascinated. "Is this true?"

"On my life," Kathryn answered.

"Wow. How romantic!"

"But that's just the thing," Holly went on. "When they went on a date, that very night I might add, they didn't get on at all. The whole thing was a disaster."

A girl with long red hair spoke. "Man, that sucks! Phony psychic, right?"

"Aren't they all?" Kathryn declared.

"I don't know," said a pretty blonde girl in a bunny suit. "Maybe the timing was just wrong." Her big blue eyes lit up. "Oh yes, that's it! Oh, Kath! You have to go talk to him!"

Kathryn put down her glass. "No way."

"But you have to," the girl insisted. "Don't you see? You weren't meant to be together then because you're meant to be together now."

The girl in the leopard print dress laughed. "Jessie Harper, you know what you are? A crazy romantic. Psychics and soulmates? Give me a break."

Sarah spoke. "And you, Nellie Sparks, are a miserable cynic. Oh, do it, Kath. Go talk to him."

"No," Kathryn said again.

"Oh, go, Kath," Holly urged. "What harm can it do?"

"I doubt he even remembers me."

Nellie laughed. "Remember you? I doubt he ever forgot you! He may not be the love of your life, but I bet you were the lay of his."

Jessie slapped Nellie's arm. "Who said she slept with him?"

"Who had to?"

"Did you, Kath?" the redhaired girl asked. "Did you sleep with him?"

"No, I did not," Kathryn answered. "By the end of the night, I didn't even want to be in the same room as him, let alone the same bed."

That, ironically, was almost the truth.

"I don't believe that," Nellie said. "I mean, look at the guy!"

"Looks aren't everything," Sarah retorted. "At least not to some of us."

"Some of us, maybe, but Kathryn's not that fussy." She then looked at Kathryn with a mischievous gleam in her eye. "I dare you, Kath. I dare you to pull him."

Kathryn held the woman's gaze. "What's it worth?"

"Fifty replicator rations."

Kathryn smiled. "You're on."

At this, the other girls looked at each other uncomfortably. It was clear that neither Nellie or Kathryn was joking.

"No, Kath," Holly protested. "Not for a bet."

"I've done it for less," Kathryn answered.

"But Nellie's only messing," Holly went on. "Right, Nellie?"

"I'm not," Nellie answered. "I'm deadly serious."

"And so am I," Kathryn added.

"But it's wrong," Holly went on. "Talk to him, yes, but don't sleep with him. Not like this. Please, Kath."

"Holly's right," Jessie said. "Don't, Kath."

"Why?" Kathryn asked. "Because I'm saving myself for marriage?"

At this, Sarah laughed.

"Just don't do it, Kath," Holly begged. "Please."

"Who's to say she will?" Nellie teased. "He might turn her down."

"Me?" Kathryn said, getting to her feet. "Never. Watch me and learn."

Holly stood too. "Please, Kath..."

"See you tomorrow, Hol. In five minutes, I'll be out of here."

With that, she picked up her handbag, flicked back her hair, and walked towards the bar. Chakotay was now sitting on a stool, a pint of beer before him, and he was reading a leaflet.

"Hi," Kathryn said.

Chakotay looked up at her and smiled politely. "Hi."

"Having a good time?"

"Yes, thank you," he answered. "Yourself?"

"I am now," she flirted.

Chakotay smiled, dimples showing, but then uncomfortably turned away and resumed reading the leaflet. It was a silent, yet powerful, brush off.

Kathryn, however, would not be dismissed that quickly.

"You don't remember me, do you?" she said.

At this, Chakotay turned to her again. "I'm afraid I don't."

"Then let me jog your memory. Public lecture. 54. Psychic lady."

These words switched on a light in Chakotay's eyes. "Kathryn?"

She nodded. "The girl who stood you up."

"So you did then," he smiled. "Stand me up. I thought maybe something had cropped up."

"No," Kathryn replied. "I stood you up."

"What happened? You got a better offer?"

"Maybe." She edged closer, flirting again. "But I'm willing to make it up to you. What do you say? A..." she emphasized the words "standing up...for a standing up?"

Chakotay clearly understood her meaning, but instead of flirting back, he tensed and looked away. "No, thank you."

At this second rejection, Kathryn bit her lip. Normally, she would give up, move on to the next guy, but she wasn't going to lose the bet that easily.

"What's the matter? Shy?"

"No," he answered. "I'm just not that kind of guy."

"Then what kind of guy are you? Because I'm flexible." She put her hand to his cheek and stroked it. "Very flexible."

Chakotay gently removed her hand. "I'm not the guy you're looking for."

"Oh but you are, Dakota. And we're destined, remember? Destined for a night of unbridled and explosive passion."

"It's Chakotay," he said. "And we're not."

"You seeing someone?"

"No."

"Then what's your problem?"

Chakotay's eyes met hers. "I'm just not interested."

Seeing an unwavering resolve, Kathryn finally admitted defeat. "Ok," she said. "I get the message."

Then, needing a fix for courage, she turned to the bartender. "A tequila."

Chakotay looked at her in concern. "I think you've drank enough."

"Enough?" Kathryn said. "I'm only just beginning."

The bartender handed her a tequila and Kathryn downed it in one go. Then she requested another.

"I really don't think that's a good idea," Chakotay said.

"Maybe not, but it's my idea and my body." With that, she downed the second tequila and then walked away. "Have a nice life."

As she returned to her table, her friends all watching, Kathryn steeled herself for the humiliation.

"What happened?" Nellie gloated. "He didn't fall for your charms? Too bad, Kath. You owe me fifty rations."

"My charms had nothing to do with it," Kathryn lied. "He just remembered me, that's all."

"Then prove it," Nellie egged. "Prove you haven't lost your charm. Pull that guy over there. The one in the green overall."

Sarah laughed. "That's not an overall, it's a soldier's uniform from World War II."

"Whatever," Nellie answered. "Do it, Kath. I dare you."

Holly got to her feet. "I've had enough of this. Come on, Kath. Let's go sit somewhere else."

"Oh no, don't," Jessie urged. She then turned to Nellie. "Cut it out, Nell. This isn't funny anymore."

"It's not meant to be," Nellie replied. "So, Kath. Are you doing it?"

"No, she's not," Holly said. "And we're..."

Kathryn interrupted. "I can fight my own battles, Holly. And I can make my own bets. You're on, Nellie. But I up the stakes. Sixty rations."

Nellie smiled. "We have a deal, sister."

"No, Kath," Holly protested. "Please, let's just..."

"Play the game," Kathryn said. "Play the game."

With that she walked away.

"No, Kath," Holly called after her. "Please..."

But Kathryn ignored her and approached the man. He was standing at the bar, talking to another man, and was fairly good looking with dark brown hair and light blue eyes. When he saw her coming his way, his face lit up with lust, and Kathryn knew immediately that this would be an easy conquest.

It was.

Two minutes later, they were leaving the hall for the park.

Then they were making out against a tree.

Then he was gone.

Leaning against the tree, her eyes on the stars, Kathryn wept. Why, she didn't know. This was what she wanted.

Wanted, yet did not want.

Not like this.

Not this way.

"What's a gorgeous girl like you doing out here all alone?"

Kathryn turned towards the voice and saw a man in the shadows.

"You looking for a stud?"

"No," Kathryn said, wiping away her tears. "No, I'm not."

"Well, too bad," he said, closing in. "Because I'm looking for a bitch."

Kathryn walked away, ignoring him, but with brute force he grabbed her and pushed her against the tree.

"Give me want I want, lady, and I won't have to hurt you."

"I won't," Kathryn cried, struggling to get free. "I won't!"

"You will, slut."

"No," Kathryn insisted. "No! So get off me!"

The man didn't, he just slapped her face hard.

But then another man spoke. A voice Kathryn recognized.

Chakotay's voice.

"You heard the lady," he said. "She said no."

At this, the man roughly let Kathryn go and boldly turned towards Chakotay.

"And just what are you going to..."

But when he saw a phaser aimed right at him, his words trailed.

"Ok, ok," he cried. "Don't shoot."

"Then get the hell out of here," Chakotay said. "Now!"

The man didn't need to be told twice. With his hands in the air, he walked passed Chakotay, and then he ran for his life. When he was gone, Chakotay went over to Kathryn.

"Are you ok?"

Kathryn nodded. Then, despite her best efforts, she was weeping.

"Come on," Chakotay said kindly. "Let's get you inside."

"No," Kathryn answered, fighting her tears. "Just leave me. Just go."

"I can't do that."

"Why not? Incase another guy wants a piece of me? Well, he can have it, he can have it!"

"You don't mean that."

"I do. Oh, I do! So leave me out here! Leave me to be ravished by the wolves! Because that's what you men are, isn't it? Beasts of lust that prey on women! So come on, Chakolee, take a piece of me! You know you want to!"

"Not all men are like that. If you think so, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that has been your experience."

"Sorry? Sorry? I'm sorry that the only decent guy...the only decent guys...I ever knew are dead. Dead while bastards like you live! Do you know how that makes me feel, do you? Do you?" Dizzy, weak, legless, she sank to the ground and sobbed against the trunk of the tree. "I hate this life. I hate it. I wish I was dead. Dead. Dead. Dead."

Chakotay watched her weep for a while, his kind heart heavy at her pain, and then he spoke.

"If you'd like to talk," he said, "I'm a good listener. If you want, we can go back to my place, sober you up, and chat over coffee."

"Chat?" Kathryn sobbed. "Do you suppose we'd just chat?"

"Yes. As I told you earlier, I'm not that kind of guy."

Kathryn turned towards him now, her face blotchy, eyes hazy. "And what is 'that kind of guy' exactly? Just what does that mean?"

"The kind of guy who sleeps around, the kind of guy who takes advantage of drunk women."

"Drunk? I'm not drunk."

"Well, you're not sober. And that..."

"What?" Kathryn interrupted. "Makes you feel responsible for me somehow?"

"Yes."

"Well, you're not. You're not. So, go. I don't need..." Her words slurred as a sleepiness overcame her. "Just go...just leave."

"I've told you," Chakotay said. "I won't do that."

But Kathryn didn't hear him. She was drifting...drifting...gone.

END OF CHAPTER SIX


	7. Chapter 7

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures.**

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

Another bed. Another room. Another home.

Groggy, as always, Kathryn lay in a hungover haze and tried to remember whose.

Then it came to her.

Dakota's, Chakolee's, whatever his name was. She had pulled him at the bar, made out with him in the park, and then...

No, wait.

Not Chakolee. She hadn't slept with Chakolee. He'd turned her down. She'd slept with someone else. A man in a green costume.

No, wait.

Another man. A strong man. A man who liked it rough.

Or both.

It wouldn't be the first time.

And yet...

And yet she was still dressed. If a bikini top and a mini skirt counted as dressed. How come? Always, when she woke up in a man's bed, she was naked. Always naked and covered in hickies. She no longer called them lovebites. But what about her knickers? Yes, they were on too. How come?

The guy must have passed out.

The guy or her.

Most likely the guy. But, if he had, he was evidently recovered now or he'd still be beside her.

Beside her.

Yet a stranger.

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes, the familiar tears of shame and regret. Why was she still doing this? Why was she still sleeping with strangers? She didn't want to. No part of her wanted to. And yet she was.

Because she had to.

Because it was better than the alternative. Even if it wasn't normal, even if it always made her feel cheap and dirty afterwards, it was better than being that woman again.

That woman who was frigid.

That woman who was afraid to love again only to lose.

There was no going back. To go back would be to open a door that she never wanted to open. To step into a room that she never wanted to set foot in. A room where Rape sat in one corner and Death in another. She couldn't do it. She couldn't face them. Couldn't look into their eyes without screaming. Between them, they had destroyed her, body and soul, and she didn't have the courage. Didn't have the courage to face monsters in the dark. The door had to stay closed. No matter how much hurt there was in the corridor outside, that void of no place, the door had to stay closed.

And yet the yearning.

The yearning for love.

A man's love. A child's love.

It had never gone away. It still consumed her. Still hurt so much that sometimes the pain was unbearable.

But still she couldn't open the door.

Couldn't open the door and look for Love in the horror.

Love might not be there.

Clumsily, Kathryn reached for her handbag, which was on a bedside table, and opened it. Inside was a hypospray, a hypospray to cure hangovers, and she put it to her neck. Almost immediately her grogginess eased and the fog before her eyes cleared. As it did, Kathryn looked around the bedroom. It wasn't the grandest she had ever woken up in, or the biggest, but it was definitely the loveliest. It had a charming high pitched ceiling of pinewood, suggesting a log home or a lodge, white walls decorated with tapestries of animals, and a bare pinewood window that had a built-in seat beneath it. On the seat were patchwork cushions of red, blue and green, and they matched the gorgeous patchwork quilt on the bed. A sumptuous white fur rug graced the pinewood floor, and opposite the bed was a decorative chimney of gray stone that contained a small fireplace. There wasn't much furniture in the room, just the bedside table, a freestanding long mirror, and a wardrobe, but all were stunning as they were made of rustic aspen wood. The bed was too and it looked like it had been hand built. The man who lived in this house was clearly a man of great taste. The room was fabulous.

After looking around for a while, Kathryn got to her feet and went over to the window. It was a gloriously sunny day and she was eager to see the view. Such a beautiful room had to have a beautiful view. And it did. It had an amazing view. Beyond a luscious green lawn was a wild forest of tall evergreens that sloped up a hill or a mountain. Amongst the trees, deer grazed, and above them an eagle soared. Kathryn watched them with delight and, as she lost herself in the tranquillity, felt a rare peace fill her heart. It was moments like this, sights like this, that made her feel glad to be alive. Glad to have survived.

When the deer moved on, and the eagle was gone, Kathryn left the window and went into the bathroom. It was accessed by an open archway and was simply stunning. In the middle of the room, which had pinewood walls, gleaming mirrors, and a white marble floor, there was the most exquisite bath Kathryn had ever seen. It was perfectly round and made of a sparkling red crystal that was embellished with intricate engravings. Ever since she was a little girl, Kathryn had loved baths, and this one thrilled her. Forgetting she was in a stranger's house, for at that very moment she thought she was in heaven, Kathryn went over to the bath and touched it. It felt as divine as it looked and was immaculately clean. A tap of shimmering white graced it and Kathryn couldn't resist turning it on. As she did, soapy warm water gushed into the bath and bubbled as the water rose. There was nothing for it. Kathryn would simply have to take a bath. Normally, she didn't bother bathing until she got home. She would just put on the clothes she came in, say goodbye to the man of the moment, usually before breakfast as she usually declined it, and then beamed back to her apartment. But there was no way she could resist this bath. No way at all.

As the bath filled, Kathryn replicated a sponge, her favorite white musk shampoo, and some red towels. Then she took off her clothes. The skirt was dirty, soiled, so she recycled it along with her other garments. Never would she wear them again. And, without having downed a whisky before Holly arrived, perhaps she would never have had the courage to wear them in the first place. Most of the time, almost all of the time, she dressed conservatively. Holly was right. It was only when she drank that she was reckless. But that was why she drank. In her sober mind she was so controlled, so afraid of losing control, that she needed the alcohol to let down her defenses. Otherwise they were walls of impenetrable steel.

Holly.

Holly understood so much and yet so little. But then Holly only knew half the story, half the pain, half the suffering. The other half no one knew. They never would. They didn't even have a clue. Only Holly had glimpsed the darkness within. Only Holly because only Holly had been around long enough. No one else, not even Phoebe. Holly was the one there all those lost years between Neal and Justin; Holly was the one there those hellish months after Justin's death; Holly was the one there all those morning-afters on the Zeffara; Holly was the one there when she'd almost lost her rank for reckless behavior; and Holly was the one there when she'd started picking men up on Earth. Holly was still the one there. Phoebe, her mother, friends, they didn't know that anything was wrong, didn't know because they had not seen. To them, and to everyone else, she was just a career-minded woman who enjoyed dating men during shoreleave. There was nothing wrong with that. That was normal. They had no idea about the drunkenness and the promiscuity. She was just a normal woman with a healthy sexual appetite.

Normal.

That time of abandonment on the Zaffara was long forgotten, forgiven as a reaction to the tragic deaths of her father and fiancé. A reaction that was considered normal.

Normal.

The bath was full now, full of soapy bubbles, and Kathryn eagerly climbed into it. The water was warm, silky, heavenly, and Kathryn sighed with pleasure as she lay back against the tub. Oh, this was the life! Then she sank playfully under the water, loving the feel of the bubbles on her face, and stayed there until her lungs gasped for air. Then she washed herself with the sponge, washed away every trace of the night before, and shampooed her long black hair. The shampoo lathered like a dream, soft and fluffy, and Kathryn let it condition her hair for a while before rinsing it away under the tap.

When Kathryn finally got out of the bath, she wrapped herself in a big red towel, dried her hair under the dryer, brushed her teeth, and then cleared everything away before returning to the bedroom. The bath had truly done wonders to rejuvenate her body and refresh her mind, and it was with a gaiety that she replicated herself new clothes and put them on. As it was summer, and warm, she dressed herself in a flowing blue skirt of blue flowers, a skirt that almost reached her ankles, and a pretty white blouse with short sleeves. Her gold high heels were resting neatly by the bed, but Kathryn recycled them and put on white sandals instead. Then, before the aspen mirror, she put on some make-up, just subtle tones and a little pink lipstick, and brushed her hair. It was nothing as straight and refined as the night before, her fringe everywhere, but the bounce gave the Cleopatra style a much more relaxed look that she liked.

Ready to leave at last, her handbag over her shoulder, Kathryn took a deep breath and prepared herself to face the man with whom she'd spent the night. It was never easy, though it had got easier over the years, and she'd found that a quick goodbye worked best. Maybe not for the guys, as they often wanted to have breakfast or arrange another meeting, but it was best for her. Best and necessary as all she wanted was to go home. If she was home, if she'd brought a guy back, then she politely kicked him out by saying she had to be somewhere.

After steeling herself for the encounter, which Kathryn hoped would be as brief as the usual, she took one last look at the lovely room and then opened the pinewood door that led to the rest of the house.

Opened the door and forgot all about the man.

Beyond the door was heaven. A magnificent, square, upper hallway that overlooked a stunning lounge beneath. The overlook had impressive pinewood railings, railings that formed a perfect square, and on the wooden floor was a gorgeous carpet of autumn colors that extended all the way around it. The walls were white, adorned with tapestries and antlers, and there were four pinewood doors. Two this side of the hallway, two on the opposite side. Above the hallway was a vaulted ceiling with majestic beams and leading to the floor below were two spiral staircases of pinewood. To the right side of the hallway was a huge arched window that looked out at the forest, and to the left was an identical window that looked out at a frothy sapphire sea.

A home where the mountains met the sea.

Paradise.

For a long time, all Kathryn could do was look around in awe, then she made her way over to the window that looked out at the sea. The view was panoramic, a view of ocean, cliffs, and trees. In her lifetime Kathryn had been to many scenic places, had seen many wonders in space, but never had she been anywhere as impressive as this. Where ever this place was, Alaska, Canada, or Maine, it truly was heaven on earth.

After looking out for a while, Kathryn finally left the window and made her way down the closest stairs. They twisted into the lounge and more wonders awaited her there. Dominating the elaborate room, which had white walls and a pinewood floor, was a huge decorative chimney of gray stone. The chimney had the head of a stag above an open fireplace, and before the fireplace was a cozy sitting area. It had sofas and chairs of rustic aspen wood with patterned red fabric, a gleaming glass coffee table, and a sumptuous rug of black fur. On both sides of the chimney an open archway led into another room, a room that had a deluxe pine kitchen on one side, and a grand dining area in the other. Before an arched window was a long table of black marble, surrounded by twelve pine chairs, and above it were two stunning antler chandeliers. There were two more antler chandeliers in the lounge, decorated with candle lamps, and they were magnificent to behold. The entire room was magnificent, the entire lodge. And she had not seen everything yet. To her left was another archway that led to a stately study full of old-fashioned books, and further on was an open door that led into a holo-room. Facing the forest was an arched wall of windows, a grand double door of glass amongst them, and the same imposing structure faced the sea. This door was open and Kathryn walked towards it. As she did, she saw that the door led onto a verandah, a classy verandah of pinewood, and she noted that the verandah was occupied.

The man.

Only now did she remember him.

Quite a man to own a place like this. There was only one word for it.

Spectacular.

Straightening herself, steeling herself all over again, Kathryn stepped through the door and onto the verandah. The man was sitting at an ornate black table, a table laden with a kingly breakfast, and he was casually dressed in a beige shirt over brown pants. As she entered, the man turned her way and Kathryn's heart almost stopped. The man was Chakolee.

"Hi," he smiled.

Kathryn made no response, just stared at him. How could it be Chakolee? She was sure he had turned her down. Sure of it and secretly glad. It showed he was a better man, a man of morals and principles who respected women. But now, now she wasn't sure whether to be pleased or disappointed. Pleased that this amazing lodge belonged to him, or disappointed that he wasn't the man her sober mind hoped he was.

"Please," he went on, "take a seat."

Kathryn hesitated, but then joined him at the table.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

Kathryn was a moment in answering. "Fine."

"You were quite drunk last night. I'm surprised you don't have a hangover."

"I...I've taken some meds."

"I see. Good idea." He picked up a silver coffee pot. "Coffee?"

Kathryn nodded. "Please...black, no sugar."

Chakotay poured her a coffee and then passed it to her. It was in a rustic, but charming, blue cup that looked like it had been hand made on a potter's wheel.

"I've cooked us some pancakes," he went on, "and there's toast, cereal and fruit. Help yourself."

"I...I'm not hungry," Kathryn told him.

Chakotay didn't think she would be, considering the state on her the night before, but he'd hoped she'd eat something. Not just because it would help her recovery, but because she was very thin. Too thin.

"The pancakes are real, not replicated," he encouraged, "the maple syrup too."

Kathryn was tempted, homemade pancakes sounded so good, but there was a knot in her stomach that would just throw up anything she tried to swallow. It was so hard to sit opposite a man she had slept with, trying to make small talk, when she remembered nothing about their tryst and wouldn't want to if she could. And, for some reason, it was especially hard with this man. Perhaps because of their prior acquaintance, or perhaps because of the way her soul lit up at the sight of him, her soul that had been so dark since Justin's death. This man had an effect on her, captivated her, and had from the first moment they met. But he was just like other guys. Nothing special. Just another guy to whom sex meant nothing.

"I said I'm not hungry."

Chakotay did not press, instead he topped up his glass of orange juice. As he did, Kathryn turned to the sea and looked out at the magnificent view. The lodge seemed to be set on a cliff, and below them white waves crashed onto a rocky beach of golden sand.

"You must have a lot of questions," Chakotay said.

"About what?" Kathryn asked, not taking her eyes off the sea.

"About last night," he answered. "You must have a lot of blanks."

She always did. And, most of the time, she didn't try to fill them in. The more blanks the better. But why did he care? He'd got what he wanted. He'd got an easy lay. Or maybe he hadn't. She remembered now that she'd been dressed when she woke up. Dressed, not naked. It must have been her that had passed out. Maybe she had before, but the guys had taken what they wanted anyway so she never knew. At least this guy hadn't. That had to count for something. Something and yet nothing. Not to her. He may aswell have got what he wanted. May aswell have had his shot of pleasure. One more man made no difference.

"You're right," she said, moving her eyes from the sea to her coffee, "I do have blanks. But I've figured things out. We came back here for...you know...and I passed out." She paused. "You could have taken what you wanted anyway, and to honest I couldn't care if you had, but you didn't and I guess that merits a thank you from me. A thank you and an apology for not living up to expectation."

There was a moment's silence, then Chakotay spoke, his voice quiet but kind. "I didn't bring you here for sex, Kathryn. You propositioned me, and very well, but I told you I wasn't that kind of guy."

Not that kind of guy. That triggered a memory. A memory of trees and tears.

"You went back to your friends and then left with another man. When he returned, I overheard a conversation he had with another man, and things were said that led me to believe you might be in trouble. So, I followed the guy and chased him off. You were very drunk by this point, which didn't surprise me given the way you'd knocked back the drinks, and passed out. As I couldn't leave you in the park, and I didn't trust your drunk friends to take care of you, I had us both transported here. I carried you to my guest room, treated an injury to your face after checking your intoxication was within safe limits, and then left you. Nothing happened between us."

At these words, these words that filled in all the blanks and were clearly spoken with sincerity, tears sprung in Kathryn's eyes. Chakolee was a good guy after all. Not like all the other guys. Different.

"That's really the truth, isn't it?" she said.

Chakotay nodded.

Kathryn smiled now, smiled outside and in, and the smile grew until she was laughing. Laughing and crying. "I knew it," she said. "I knew you were different." She then looked into his eyes, his warm, kind, brown eyes, and her own sparkled. "I think I'll have a pancake after all."

Chakotay smiled too, her joy warming his heart, and he lifted a lid off a silver plate. "All yours, ma'am."

Kathryn helped herself to a pancake, but seeing how thick and golden it was, her mouth watered and she helped herself to three more. Then she dressed them with syrup and began to eat.

"Mmmn," she said, "delicious. You're a fabulous cook."

"Thank you," Chakotay smiled.

"You have a fabulous home too. It's absolutely breathtaking. I've always loved mountain homes, and have stayed in quite a few log cabins, but have never seen one as majestical as this. It's truly amazing. And the location...magnificent. A place where the mountains really do meet the sea."

"Yes. It's a stunning part of the world. I'm lucky to live here."

Kathryn looked up at him. "Where is here, exactly? Alaska, Canada?"

"Oregon," he declared.

"Oregon?" Kathryn echoed. "Really?"

"Yes," he smiled. "You seem surprised."

"I am. I mean, it's just one state up from me in San Francisco and yet...and yet is a world away."

"It certainly is very different here to San Francisco. But that's why I chose this place. I like to live with nature."

Kathryn took a sip of coffee. "Do you live here alone?"

"Yes. I used to have a dog, a big husky called Dango, but after he died I didn't replace him. I'd returned to working in space by then and I didn't think that was fair on a dog. He'd have to go to kennels while I was away."

"I understand," Kathryn answered. "I'm lucky in that my family could look after a dog while I'm in space, but as I'm there more than I'm home these days, I too don't have one for that reason. Maybe I will some day, when I'm only in space for a month or so at a time, but at the moment I'm there for months on end." She paused. "It can't be easy...maintaining a home like this when you're away a lot."

"No. But it's worth the effort. I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. I've lived here for almost a decade and have put a lot of heart and soul into this place. It was little more than a ruin when I acquired it and I've done a lot of the restoration myself."

"Really? I'm impressed."

"Thank you."

Kathryn finished her first pancake now and tackled the second just as eagerly. They really were scrumptious. "How did you find this place? By chance or by searching?"

"By chance. I was hiking here with a friend one summer and we stumbled across what was left of the lodge. I'd already fallen in love with the surroundings and I knew straight away that it was the home for me." He gestured to the coffee pot. "More coffee?"

Kathryn nodded. "Please."

Chakotay topped up her cup and then picked up a slice of mango for himself.

"Your antler chandeliers are incredible," Kathryn said. "Are they real? The antlers, I mean."

"Yes," Chakotay smiled. "They're real. I collected them myself. The stags shed them in winter so, if you know where to look, they're easy to find."

"Who made the chandeliers?"

"I did."

"Really? You made them? All of them?"

"Yes. Over several years, of course."

"Wow, that's just...amazing. You're very talented."

"Thank you."

"What about the stag on your chimney? Did you hunt it?"

"No," he answered. "I'm a vegetarian and don't believe in recreational or commodity hunting. The antlers are real, but the stag's artificial. All my fur rugs are too."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow. "Curious."

"What?" he asked, amused.

"That a vegetarian would like stag's heads and fur rugs."

Chakotay laughed softly. "Well, unless it's for health or religious reasons, most people are vegetarians because they love or respect animals. For me it's both. I'm impressed by the prowess of the bear, the majesty of stags, the elegance of eagles, and the endurance of the buffalo. Antlers are magnificent and bearskins resplendent. When I look at the stag's head, or at the chandeliers, I'm reminded of the deer's majesty. When I look at the rugs, I'm reminded of the beauty and prowess of the bear. One doesn't need to hunt and skin animals to delight in their splendor."

That was true and Kathryn found herself moved. Moved by his compassion for all living creatures, and moved by the poetry in his words. And, in being moved, found herself gazing at him. He really was an incredible man. A man of inner and outer beauty. But, when she realized she was gazing, she looked away and spoke.

"Your work in space," she said. "What does it involve? Do you serve on a ship?"

"Yes," he replied. "I'm Second Officer of the USS Olympa."

Second Officer. Impressive again.

"What about you?" he asked. "What's your position and rank?"

"Like you I serve on a starship," she answered, not giving away too much information, "and I'm a Commander."

This seemed to surprise him. No doubt he thought a woman of such abandonment couldn't possibly hold a position of such responsibility.

"A Commander," he said. "Now I'm impressed." He then smiled. "Looks like you're half way there."

"Where?" Kathryn asked.

"To being an admiral by the time you're forty."

Kathryn laughed, remembering, like him, their short conversation of so long ago.

"But tell me," he went on. "Why did you stand me up?"

At this, Kathryn tensed. It was a perfectly reasonable question, and one he was entitled to ask, but it hurt to relive the past. However, he'd asked the question so it was only fair to answer, and answer honestly.

"I didn't, exactly," she began. "I made it to the restaurant, though I was running a bit late, and waited for you in the lobby. But when you didn't show up, I went to look for you in the bar, thinking you might be there. But when I got to the bar I saw you there with another woman. She was very attractive and...well, let's just say I was shy and insecure in those days."

"I see," Chakotay said, almost sadly. "That's too bad. I think we would have had a good time."

"I'm sure you had one anyway."

"I didn't," he answered. "When you didn't show up after an hour I went home. Whatever you saw was innocent. At least on my part. I don't seem able to go to a bar without a woman coming on to me."

With his dashing good looks, it wasn't surprising, but he genuinely seemed oblivious to his own attractiveness. Or, if he wasn't oblivious to it, he didn't place much importance on it. Neither did he seem to judge others by their appearance. He seemed to be a truly decent guy and, for the second time, Kathryn could only believe his version of events.

"Then I'm sorry I misjudged you," she said, "that I ran away." And, as she looked into his kind eyes, she meant it. If she'd stayed, if she'd faced up to her fears, maybe they would have had a future together, as the psychic had said. That precious time she'd shared with Justin was locked safe in her heart forever, a time she wouldn't change, but if she and this man had fallen in love instead, then maybe all their lives would have been better. She and he would be living somewhere wonderful together, maybe even here, and Justin would still be alive.

Alive.

Or this man would be dead. Maybe he, not Justin, would have died in that fatal crash on that deadly planet. Who could say.

"I guess that's just how it was meant to be," Chakotay declared.

"Perhaps," Kathryn answered. "But I'm still sorry. And I'm sorry about last night. Things are hazy in my mind, but I remember...you know...pressurizing you at the bar. You said no and I should have respected that."

"It's ok."

"You must think very badly of me."

"Not at all. But, when we were in the park, you said a lot of things that make me concerned about you."

Kathryn felt her throat close and her hands sweat. What kind of things? What exactly had she said?

"I offered an ear," he went on, "and that offer still stands."

In response to vulnerability, Kathryn's shields shot up. "I don't need your ear," she said defensively. "Or any part of you. Whatever I said was just drunken nonsense. I'm perfectly fine."

"I'm not convinced. You have a very low opinion of men, and yet you throw yourself at men. I think you have unresolved issues that need resolving."

"Really?" Kathryn cried, getting to her feet. "Well, I think you should keep your nose out of other people's business! I appreciate everything you've done for me but this is where it ends. So, I'll say thank you and goodbye."

"Please," Chakotay said, standing too, "don't leave. Finish your breakfast."

Kathryn opened her handbag and searched for her commbadge. "I've lost my appetite."

"I didn't mean to offend you," Chakotay went on. "I'm just concerned."

"Well, you don't have to be. I'm not...damn."

"What's wrong?" Chakotay asked.

"I can't find my commbadge. It's not here."

At this, Chakotay couldn't help but smile. "Then looks like you won't be leaving so quickly after all."

"Oh, I'm leaving, even if I have to walk ten miles to a transporter station."

"It's twenty," Chakotay declared. "So, sit down and finish breakfast."

Still angry, and yet strangely amused, Kathryn sat back down with a glare.

"Looks like I have no choice," she said. "But holding someone against their will is a criminal offense, Chakolee."

"Then it's a good thing I'm not," he answered, sitting again. "And it's Chakotay."

"Well, Chakotay, seeing as I'm kind of over a barrel here, I'll stay. But you stay out of my business, understand?"

Chakotay gave a regretful nod.

"Of course," Kathryn said, half joking, half serious, "I could try to get that commbadge you're wearing by force. There might not be much of me but I can sure kick-ass."

"I don't doubt it. But before you try your moves on me, I should inform you that I taught self-defense at the Academy for five years."

Kathryn curled her lip. This man had an answer for everything! "Then I'll just have to think of another means of escape," she replied.

"I'll spare you the trouble," Chakotay said. "I have my own transporter. All residences in these parts do. It's in the lounge, between the library and the holo-room. You're free to use it, but I hope you won't just yet. I'm enjoying your company and would like to enjoy it a bit longer. In fact, I was thinking we could take a walk to the beach after breakfast. It's very close and is accessed by steps. They've been carved out of the cliff and are very impressive."

Kathryn was going to say no, was going to say she had to be somewhere, but as she looked out at the rugged bay below, and then back at Chakotay, she couldn't resist the charms of both.

"I probably shouldn't," she said, "but how can my explorer's heart say no?"

Chakotay smiled, dimples showing. "Then a walk to the beach it is."

END OF CHAPTER SEVEN


	8. Chapter 8

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER EIGHT**

"This place truly is a paradise," Kathryn said as she walked with Chakotay along a rocky beach that was surrounded by tall black cliffs. "There seems to be a delight around every corner and this beach is perfect. It might not have the surf of those in California, or the pristine waters of the Emerald Coast, but it has a charm all of its own."

"It does," Chakotay agreed. "A charm and a million moods. Never have I looked out at the sea and seen the same picture. Always it is different. Sometimes it's a bed of rippling ribbons, the shade as changeable as the sky, and other times it's a torrent of wild waves that leap over the rocks like wild horses. Sometimes the tide is out, sometimes it's in, and with every ebb and flow the sands change. In summer heat dances above the sea, forming a hazy cloud, and in winter flakes of snow rain upon it."

"How wonderful. I can just picture all that now. You described them in such a way that I can. Are you a poet?"

Chakotay smiled. "No. But I do love poetry."

"So do I. Well, all poetry except Vulcan. Oh, it's a bore."

"Especially when read by Vulcans."

"Yes," she laughed.

Before them, perched on a rock, was a white Albatross and it took to flight as they approached. As it soared into the sky, it's great wings flapping, Kathryn stopped walking and watched in awe.

"Impressive birds, aren't they?" Chakotay said.

"Amazing," she answered.

"They're not seen here very often so it's our lucky day."

Kathryn turned to him with a smile. "It's certainly mine."

Chakotay smiled back and they shared a happy gaze until Kathryn turned away and started walking again.

"So, Mr Chakotay, do you swim?"

"Yes," he answered, "but not here. The coast is too treacherous. My favorite place is the Gulf of Mexico."

"Oh, I love swimming there too. But my favorite place is the quarries of Mars."

"A place only for the brave. You must be a good swimmer."

"Let's just say I can hold my own. But I bet you're good too. I bet you swim like a whale. Speaking of which, I've read they migrate in these waters twice a year. Have you ever seen one?"

"Yes," he replied. "Just a few weeks ago. I saw a pod of humpbacks while I was sitting on my verandah. They were spouting and jumping in the setting sun."

"Oh, how delightful."

"It was. They're magnificent creatures."

"Are you from these parts?" Kathryn asked.

"No," Chakotay answered. "I'm from a Federation colony called Trebus near the Cardassian border. Like Earth it has everything from rainforests to deserts, but is sparsely populated. My people, Native American traditionalists, left Earth several generations ago to build a tribal community there. They wanted as little to do with the modern world as possible. We had some modern technology but our way of life was generally simple."

"Fascinating," Kathryn said. "It certainly explains your talent for making things. But if you were shut off from the twenty-fourth century, how did you end up in Starfleet?"

"We weren't completely shut off. Some members of our tribe lived on Earth for part of the year, so we heard a lot of stories about life here, and, because of our proximity to Cardassian space, there was a Starfleet outpost close by. Officers would frequently visit our world and several captains feasted with us. I was fascinated by Starfleet and starships and longed to be a part of that world. I loved my family, and I respected the ways of my people, but tribal life wasn't for me. I wanted something more. I wanted to soar to the stars and explore new worlds. From a young age I was determined to join Starfleet and, when I was old enough, I got myself a place at the Academy sponsored by Captain Sulu. My father wasn't happy, and I left without his blessing, but I knew I'd never be happy living the kind of life he wanted for me."

"I think you were very brave," Kathryn said sincerely. "It took a lot of courage to leave the only world you'd ever known for another. I'm sorry your father didn't support you. Have you made up now?"

"Sadly, no," Chakotay answered. "I visit my family from time to time, and I'm always welcomed, but my father still can't accept my new life. Every visit ends the same way. He asks me to come back to the tribe and I ask him to accept that I never will. He can't accept it, and I can't go back, so we always part unhappily."

"I'm sorry. I hope he has a change of heart some day."

"So do I, but I doubt it." He paused. "What about you? Where are you from?"

Kathryn tensed and was a moment in answering. She really didn't want to share personal information. It was better that way. She liked strangers to remain strangers.

"As I said, I live in San Francisco. I have a small apartment there. It suits my needs." Wanting to change the subject, she turned it back on him. "Where did you live before here?"

"In San Francisco too. I had an apartment close to the Academy. But I'm much happier here."

"I'll bet," Kathryn said, stopping as they reached a stretch of black rocks that marked the end of the bay. "It's truly heaven on earth."

Chakotay smiled. "I'm glad you're impressed. Now, before we walk all the way back, shall we have a drink?"

Kathryn laughed. "What, are you a Q or something? We didn't bring any with us."

Chakotay's eyes twinkled. "We didn't need to." He then began to walk through the rocks towards the towering cliffs. "Follow me, Ma'am."

Kathryn followed eagerly. "Where are we going?"

"You'll see. Just watch your step. The rocks are menacing."

The passageway certainly was narrow and jagged, but in no time at all they reached a patch of sand. It was quite large, almost circular, and was surrounded by rocks. Chakotay then stopped walking and gestured to the cliff.

"Here we are."

Kathryn turned to the cliff and her face lit up with joy. There, right before her, was a cave.

"Oh, a cave!" she exclaimed.

"And exclusively mine," Chakotay smiled. "I have few neighbors and none of them know it's here."

Kathryn stepped into the cave and gasped as lights lit it up. They were small, high, and embedded in the rocks. In their golden glow, Kathryn saw that the cave was spacious, though not big, and contained two rustic seats made out of rock. Behind them, built into rocks, was a wooden cupboard.

"Oh, how wonderful!" Kathryn exclaimed. "The perfect hideaway!"

"When I'm home," Chakotay said, "I come here almost every day. I sit for a while, read, write letters home, or even do some craft work. The sea never comes in this far so, unless it's been raining, this place is always dry. Of course, I still have to keep my eye on the tide. When it comes in, this part of the beach is cut off from the rest." He went over to the cupboard and opened it. Inside were several compartments, full of all kinds of things from blankets and tools to books and devices, and a small silver replicator.

"What would you like to drink?" Chakotay asked.

"An apple juice, I think," Kathryn answered. "Fizzy."

Chakotay replicated her desired drink and then handed it to her.

"Would you like something to eat?"

"Oh no," she said, sitting on a rock seat that was surprisingly comfortable. "I'm full to the top."

Chakotay smiled and then replicated himself a glass of water.

"I'm beginning to think I must have died last night and gone to heaven," Kathryn mused after taking a much needed drink. "The wonders here truly don't end."

"You're very much alive," Chakotay said, sitting opposite her. "At least I hope so."

Kathryn laughed and then drank what was left of her juice.

"Thirsty?" Chakotay asked.

"I was," she smiled. "I'm quenched now." She then looked up and around. "Oh, this place...like something out of a novel."

Chakotay teased. "Smugglers and pirates?"

"Oh no. Swashbuckling sailors and mermaids."

Chakotay laughed.

"Or we could be in a forest," Kathryn went on. "An enchanted forest full of goblins and wizards and fairies. When I was a child I had a holoprogram set in such a place and I spent hours playing there. I'd dress up as a fairy, always a purple dress, and fly with the other fairies over ponds or dance with them in a ring. Every time we danced, elves and pixies would play_ Dance of The Sugar Plum Fairy_ on flutes and fiddles."

Just as she spoke, Tchaikovsky's classic began to play, filling the cave with its sweet sound. Kathryn's mouth fell open in astonishment and Chakotay laughed.

"It's my temperamental music system," he said. "It thought your words were a request."

"I see," Kathryn laughed.

"I'll turn it off. Computer..."

"No," Kathryn interrupted. "Leave it. I haven't heard it in such a long time and it's one of my favorites."

"Then I'll leave it," Chakotay smiled.

"In fact," Kathryn said, getting to her feet. "I feel like dancing."

"Dancing?" Chakotay asked, amused.

"Dancing," she answered.

Then, with a smile, she stepped out of the cave and began to dance on the golden sand outside. Chakotay got up to watch her and, as she swept across the sand, her hair blowing with the breeze and her skirt flowing, she took his breath away. All he could do was gaze, gaze and lose his heart.

"Oh," Kathryn laughed as the music finished and silence fell, "that was awesome. Awesome!"

Chakotay smiled. "I can only agree. You're a wonderful dancer."

"Thank you. Oh, I could stay here forever. I could dance here forever. But I suppose we'd better be heading back. It looks like the sea's coming in."

"Yes," he said. "I'll just recycle our glasses."

As he did that, Kathryn took one last look at the cave and then started walking through the rocks. Finding a passageway was not as easy as it had been with Chakotay in the lead, and she soon found that she was climbing rather than walking.

"I wouldn't go that way if I were you," Chakotay said as he left the cave. "There's no passageway and climbing the rocks is dangerous."

"So I'm discovering," Kathryn replied. "But I'm halfway there so onwards and forwards!"

Over another boulder she climbed, then another, but then her foot slipped and she crashed sidewards onto a jagged rock. Her left leg smacked against it and her side bounced.

"Kathryn!" Chakotay cried in alarm.

Slowly, in a daze, Kathryn pulled herself up and tried to ignore the terrible pain in her leg and side.

"Kathryn," Chakotay said again, climbing towards her. "Are you hurt?"

"I'll live," she said, stumbling to her feet. "But I don't know about the rock."

Chakotay had to smile at that. Then he held out his hand to her. "Here...take my hand."

Kathryn reached for his strong hand and held tight to it as she climbed back to safety.

"That's what I get for being a presumptuous know it all," she said, trying hard not to let her pain show. "I should have listened to the native."

"Always a good idea," he answered. "There are only two safe ways through and yours wasn't one of them." He turned to her and put his hand on her shoulder. "But are you sure you're ok? It was quite a fall."

"I'm fine," Kathryn lied.

Chakotay smiled. "Then let's take the easy route. Follow me."

Kathryn followed, but her leg and side were hurting so much that she could only limp. When Chakotay saw this, he turned back to her.

"You're really not ok, are you?"

"Well," Kathryn grimaced. "Let's just say I exaggerated when I said I was fine."

Chakotay closed the gap between them. "Where hurts?"

"My side," she answered, putting a hand there, "and my leg. But I'll be ok in a moment or two. They're just bruised, I think."

"Quite the tough cookie, aren't you?" Chakotay said, not unkindly. "But let's check you over. I doubt your leg is broken, as you wouldn't be able to put pressure on it, but you may have fractured a rib or two. I have a medkit in the cave, in the event of an emergency, so let's get you there."

Kathryn didn't object, the pain really was bad, and took Chakotay's offered arm. Slowly, they walked into the cave, the lights coming on again at their entry, and then Chakotay grabbed a medkit and a blanket. Carefully, he placed the blanket on the ground and then helped Kathryn to lie on it. She groaned as her side touched the ground and rolled onto her other. To make her more comfortable, Chakotay replicated a cushion and placed it under her head. Then he pulled out a medical tricorder and scanned her.

"What's the verdict?" Kathryn asked, her breathing shallow.

"There's a nasty gash on your leg," Chakotay answered, "and your side is severely bruised, but no fractures."

"Thank God," Kathryn said in relief. "I'd hate to have to see my doctor. What a terrible end to a perfect morning."

Chakotay smiled. "Is he that bad?"

"No," Kathryn laughed, "she's...oh, don't make me laugh."

Chakotay picked up a hypospray. "I'll give you something for the pain and then get started on treatment. It shouldn't take longer than fifteen minutes."

"Do we have fifteen minutes?"

"Yes," he answered. "The sea won't cut us off for at least forty." He put the hypospray to her neck and injected her. "But I'll have to open your blouse to treat you. Is that ok?"

"Perfectly," Kathryn replied. She then sighed as the pain relief kicked in. "Oh, that's better."

Carefully, Chakotay opened several buttons on her blouse and then exposed her bruised side. It was swollen and grazed, but gradually returned to normal as he treated first the internal bleeding and then the surface injury.

"There," he said as he finished. "Your side's as good as new. I'll just button up you and then do your leg."

Gently, Chakotay's fingers closed the buttons on her blouse one by one. As they did, Kathryn felt a stirring deep within, a stirring of desire. With every touch, every brush of his fingers against her skin, a current surged through her body and tingled her woman's parts. This man was magnetic, his touch electric, and she could hardly breathe. Then his fingers were on her leg, pulling up her skirt, and then...

And then the horror.

And then...

And then she was huddled against a rock, clinging to it and weeping.

And then...

And then Chakotay was speaking.

"It's ok," he said gently. "Everything's ok. You're safe."

Kathryn's glazed eyes focussed and she saw that he was kneeling before her. Close, but not too close.

"I'm sorry," she wept. "I...I'm sorry."

"It's ok," Chakotay said kindly. He then held out the dermal regenerator. "Here...you can treat your leg yourself."

Kathryn took the device, her fingers trembling, and clumsily pulled up her skirt. Beneath it, her grazed thigh was bleeding. Slowly, unsteadily, she hovered the healing instrument over her injury and the wound disappeared.

"Is there something I can get you?" Chakotay asked. "Another drink, perhaps?"

"No," Kathryn said, getting to her feet and handing him the dermal regenerator. "No, thank you."

"Then I'll clear up and we can be on our way."

While Chakotay cleared up for the second time, Kathryn wandered out of the cave and onto the sand. The sea was closer, gushing and rushing against the rocks, but Kathryn was oblivious to it. All she was aware of was the pain inside. The terrible pain that was crushing and suffocating. Closing her eyes, she leant back against the cliff and wept. It was all she could do. Weep.

Weep for the pain, weep for the horror, weep for the yearning.

Never would she be free.

Never would the horror leave.

It had happened again, happened again in the presence of a man she was attracted to, happened again at his touch. All men were not Neal and yet Neal was in all men.

Never would she be normal.

Never would she be able to love a man. Never would she be able to be loved.

The horror would always haunt her.

And then...

And then there was a hand on her shoulder. A gentle hand.

"Would you like a hug, Kathryn?"

Chakotay's voice was soft, kind, just like his touch, and Kathryn ached to lean into his strong body and feel his arms around her. It had been so long since a man had held her. Just held her. But if she stepped into his arms, if she let herself cling to him, she was afraid she could never stop. It would take forever to cry the hurt away.

"No," she said, steeling herself. "Thank you. I'd just...I'd just like to go home. Your commbage...may I?"

"Yes," he answered. "But I'd rather you stay. We've got a walk to finish."

Kathryn wanted to stay, wanted to with her whole heart, but the day was ruined now, ruined like her life.

"I was even hoping you'd stay for lunch," Chakotay went on. "I'm as good at making sandwiches as I am pancakes."

At the warmth in his eyes, a warmth that was banishing the choking darkness, Kathryn found herself smiling.

"Ok," she said. "I'll stay. But on one condition."

"Just name it."

"You don't put pickles on the sandwiches."

Chakotay laughed. "Deal."

END OF CHAPTER EIGHT


	9. Chapter 9

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures.**

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER NINE**

When they were back at the lodge, Kathryn changed out of her sandy clothes and then met Chakotay on the verandah for lunch. She was now wearing a pretty green dress and had applied a generous amount of sunblock to her delicate skin. So much time in the sun would make her pay for it with freckles otherwise. The lunch Chakotay had prepared was just as impressive as breakfast and Kathryn looked at all the food in delight. There were two plates of homemade sandwiches, one egg, one cheese; a bowl of green salad containing tomatoes, sweetcorn and carrots; a rack of brown bread; mixed nuts in a tub; sliced fruit on a plate; a pot of coffee; a jug of orange juice; and a golden jam sponge cake dusted with sugar.

"Wow," Kathryn said. "Is this lunch or a banquet?"

Chakotay smiled. "Only the best for my guests."

Kathryn sat opposite him. "But I bet you eat like this every day, don't you? That's why you're big and strong."

"I believe in eating well," he answered. "There's no excuse not to in this age of replicators. Good nourishment is essential for health and happiness."

"What's your favorite food?" Kathryn asked. "If you had to eat only one thing forever, what would it be?"

"Strawberries," he answered. "The finest fruit I've ever tasted. You?"

"Coffee cake."

Chakotay laughed. "A coffee lover?"

"The greatest."

"In that case," he said, picking up the coffee pot, "let me pour you a cup. And, seeing as the replicator is an instant chef, I'll recycle this sponge cake and replicate a coffee one. How do you like it? Plain or with walnuts?"

"With walnuts. But please don't go to all that trouble. I love a sponge cake too and this one looks delicious."

"Are you sure?" he asked, filling her cup. "It's no trouble."

"Positive."

He put down the coffee pot and smiled. "Then the cake stays."

Kathryn smiled back and then helped herself to salad, sandwiches and fruit. Chakotay watched her and was surprised at the tenderness he felt inside. He'd felt it before, at the caves when she was weeping, but this time the tenderness was different. Then it had been sad, now it was happy. And yet it was both sad and happy at the same time. There was something about this woman that both enchanted and haunted him. When they'd first met, all those years ago, he'd felt a chemistry between them, and it was still there. Her smile, her voice, everything about her was spellbinding and he was totally mesmerized. She was like a sun lighting up his world and he wanted to bask in her light always. And yet, at the same time, there was such a sadness in her aura, such a vulnerability beneath her tough exterior, that the darkness touched his heart. Touched it and made him want to shine his light on her. To make his light a shield to protect her and to take her pain away. The incident at the cave had explained a lot. While she had recoiled from him, he knew that it was not really from him, but from a memory, a memory of another man. Whether that man was an abusive father, a rapist, a torturer, or another man of violence, he didn't know, but he knew that she had been hurt by some man and deeply. He wanted to talk to her about the incident, wanted to help her in some way, but he knew he would have to choose his moment carefully. Now was definitely not it and he hoped there would be a later. He was not ready to part with her just yet.

"You mentioned earlier," Chakotay said as he poured himself an orange juice, "that you like to ride horses. Well, there are stables just over a mile away and a trail through the forest. If you're feeling up to it, we could walk there after lunch and spend a couple of hours riding. The scenery is spectacular."

Kathryn couldn't help but smile. "First the beach, now the forest. You're determined to keep me here, aren't you?"

"Yes. But only if you want to be here."

"I do," she said. "And you're on. Riding it is."

* * *

><p>After lunch, Kathryn and Chakotay walked through the forest to the stables. It was a glorious walk, a walk through pine trees so tall that they seemed to touch the sky, and the afternoon sun danced through their branches. Kathryn enjoyed every moment, as did Chakotay, and she felt so comfortable in his presence that she felt as though she'd known him forever. The stables were located on a ranch, a huge one that was set on a hill, and they were home to over twenty horses. Some of the horses were in use, others were reserved, but five were free. Kathryn and Chakotay picked out a white and black stallion respectively, and then, once they and the horses were ready, they left the ranch for the trail. It was a long trail that stretched for miles, a trail that passed through trees, rivers, fields and oceans, but Kathryn and Chakotay only rode a part of it. Through the woods they trotted, through fields they galloped, and every now and then, when the stretch allowed, they raced. Kathryn laughed as they soared through the plains, both vying to stay in the lead, and delighted as much in losing as in winning. This man pushed her, pushed her to her limits, and it was exhilarating.<p>

When eventually the ride was over, Kathryn and Chakotay changed back into their casual clothes, ate a meal at the ranch, and then walked back to the lodge. It was now early evening and the heat of the day was abating. Kathryn could hardly believe they had spent the whole day together and the day was not over yet. When they arrived back at the lodge, Chakotay took Kathryn to his workshop. It was accessed from the kitchen and was a large room full of all kinds of curious objects. There were work benches, tools, machines, gadgets, boxes, and the item Kathryn had come to see: the potter's wheel. This twenty-fourth century version was very similar to wheels of the past, and had a black wheel-head that was controlled by a foot pump.

"I would so love to have a go," Kathryn said as she admired it. "I know it's late in the day, but do you think I could?"

"Certainly," Chakotay smiled. "In fact, I was hoping you would ask. The night is still young enough to make and bake a pot or two."

Kathryn laughed. "A pot might be a bit ambitious for a novice."

"Well," Chakotay teased. "You're an ambitious lady." He then gestured to a silver replicator in a corner of the room. "Now, replicate yourself an apron, Ma'am. Things can get very messy."

Kathryn saluted. "Yes, Sir."

As Kathryn replicated an apron, a pretty one of blue and yellow flowers, Chakotay put on his. It was long, black, and had two deep pockets. Then he got out some clay, filled a bowl with water, and set up the wheel.

"I'm going to need a demonstration, of course," Kathryn said as she tied up her apron, "as I haven't got a clue what to do."

"Then sit yourself on that stool and I'll show you the basics."

Kathryn climbed onto the stool and watched closely as, stage by stage, Chakotay turned a lump of clay into a fine pot. His fingers worked skillfully and quickly and made the craft look easy.

"Doesn't look too hard," Kathryn said when he'd finished. "I'll have a pot made in no time!"

Confidently, she got off the stool and picked up a ball of clay. Chakotay watched, his eyes twinkling, and waited for what he knew would come next.

"Right," Kathryn said, standing over the wheel, her foot on the pump, "here we go!"

Firmly, she threw the clay onto the wheel, expecting it to land perfectly in the middle like Chakotay's had, but it landed off center and slid everywhere.

"Damn," Kathryn laughed. "I guess it's harder than it looks! And, Mr Chakotay, from the look on your face, you knew that was coming!"

"Yes," he smiled. "It generally happens first time."

"So, what now?"

Chakotay picked up the clay. "We tidy the ball and wheel and start again."

When both tasks were done, he gave the clay back to Kathryn, and she tried again to center it on the wheel. This time, she did.

"Well done," Chakotay smiled. "You're a quick learner."

"I am," she answered, "but I've totally forgotten what comes next."

"You want to open the clay so it can be pulled up and shaped."

"Oh yes, thanks."

With that, Kathryn tried to open the clay, but as soon as she pressed into it, the clay slid all over like before.

"Oh, boy," she laughed. "We'll be here all night!"

"It takes a while to get the knack," Chakotay said, "but you're doing great."

He picked up the clay, tidied it again, and then Kathryn threw it back onto the wheel. It landed perfectly and she tried again to open it. This time, the clay didn't slide, but neither did it do much in the way of opening.

"I think I need some help here," Kathryn laughed. "In fact, I know it."

Chakotay smiled, stood behind her, and gently put his hands over hers, guiding them to where they should be. "Like this," he said. "Your fingers on the inside, your thumb on the outside, and with a lobster claw, press firmly on the clay."

Kathryn did what he said and watched with joy as the clay started to dip in the middle and turn into a bowl.

"Now we want to start pulling up," he went on. "Slowly, firmly, but easing the pressure as we move from top to bottom."

Again, Chakotay's hands guided Kathryn's, but at his gentle, almost sensual, touch, and at the feel of his body next to hers, Kathryn became aware of nothing but him. Time seemed to slow to a stop, the world to fade away, and inside a million butterflies danced. Slowly, she turned her face towards his, her face that was suddenly glowing, and gazed at him. Then, when Chakotay caught her staring and his eyes looked into hers, Kathryn caught her breath. On the wheel, his guiding fingers began to caress, and then...and then his lips were kissing hers tenderly. Kathryn closed her eyes and a tear ran down her cheek at what was her first real kiss in years. Then Chakotay's hands were guiding again.

"Almost done," he said kindly. "All we need now is to get it back in shape and beam it to the kiln."

In less than a minute the pot was shaped and in the kiln. Then Chakotay stepped away.

"Let's get ourselves cleaned up," he said. "The pots will be ready for decorating in five minutes."

He smiled warmly, eyes bright, and Kathryn smiled back. From his sparkle, it was clear that he had had enjoyed their kiss too. Enjoyed it, not regretted it.

After they'd decorated their pots with colorful glazes, Chakotay beamed them back to the kiln for the final firing. This took only seconds, but to Kathryn, who couldn't wait to see the final product, the time seemed an eternity. At last, however, the kiln chimed.

"They're ready," Chakotay smiled. "Stand by."

With that, he opened the kiln and pulled out Kathryn's pot. It was blue on the outside, green on the inside, and decorated all over with pretty daisies.

"Oh, Chakotay!" Kathryn said in delight. "Oh, it's wonderful! I can't believe I made it! Well, with your help, of course."

"I only helped with the shaping," he replied. "The decoration is all yours. Be rightfully proud."

"I am. Oh, I can't wait to show my sister. She thinks I'm useless at crafts."

"You haven't mentioned a sister before," he said. "What's her name?"

Kathryn momentarily tensed, but then sidelined the question with a joke. "Depends on what mood I'm in."

Chakotay laughed.

"But come on," Kathryn egged. "Let me see your masterpiece."

Chakotay turned back to the kiln and carefully took out his pot. It was deep red in color, a red that faded to orange at the base, and decorating it in gold was with the symbol of his people.

"Oh, it's fabulous," Kathryn said. "The design is so intricate and the colors are like a sunset. I love it."

"Then it's yours," Chakotay smiled.

Kathryn looked up at him. "Really? You don't want to keep it?"

"I've got plenty. Please, accept it as a gift."

"Gladly," Kathryn smiled. "Thank you."

* * *

><p>Sitting on the verandah, beneath a pearly moon that kissed the black bay with silver light, Kathryn and Chakotay finished the day with a hot chocolate.<p>

"I really have had a wonderful time," Kathryn said. "I know I've said it a hundred times, but this place really is incredible. I love everything from this lodge, to the beach, to the forest. But all this splendor would mean nothing if the man who owned it wasn't splendid too. And you are, Chakotay. You're a great guy. What I've enjoyed most is your company."

"Ditto," Chakotay replied. "I think you're an amazing woman and it's been a privilege having you here. But I hope this isn't the last we'll see of each other. I'd really like to see you again."

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes. She wanted that too, wanted it with all her heart, but she was afraid. She was afraid of letting herself love again, only to be hurt again, and she was afraid of trusting again. This man was charming now, so thoughtful and kind, but so had Neal been once. With his good looks and charm he had swept her completely off her feet. But then he had thrown her to that pit of horror, that dungeon of darkness that still haunted her. How could she trust that this man would not do the same? And if he was as wonderful as he seemed, and they fell deeply in love, how could she trust that he would not die like Justin had? How could she trust that one day the horror would be gone? That one day she wouldn't need drunken oblivion to be intimate with a man? There were too many doubts, too many fears, and she didn't have the courage to face them. She'd rather face a race of alien warriors.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly, "but my life is...complicated. Besides, I'm leaving on an eight month mission next week. I think it's better for both of us if today is all there is. You're a good guy and...and me and good guys are a bad mix."

"I don't believe that," he answered kindly. "But what I do believe is that you deserve better than to be used by men for their pleasure. Any man would be blessed to have you at his side, and you deserve one who will love you and cherish you."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "I will never be loved. Not again. I was once and..." She paused. "This is how my life has to be now. But it's a two way street, you know? If the men use me, I use them. We both get what we want."

"In theory," Chakotay replied. "But in practise, I think the men get more from it than you. If you're always as drunk as you were last night, I doubt you even remember your trysts."

Kathryn said nothing, just stared at her hands.

"I really would like to see you again," Chakotay went on. "I think we could have something very special."

"We will," Kathryn replied. "We'll have today. There can't be more. Please don't ask."

"I must," he said. Gently, he reached across the table and put his hand on hers. "Someone with a vision greater than ours once said that we are a match made in the stars. I think she might be right. I feel an affinity between us that I've never felt with anyone. Just give me a chance, Kathryn. I know you've been hurt. What happened in the cave...I know someone hurt you. And I suspect your casual affairs are a way of guarding your heart from being hurt again. But I won't hurt you. I don't expect you to trust my word, trust isn't intrinsic it has to be earned, but I'd like you to give me the chance to earn your trust."

Kathryn took his hand in hers and squeezed it. "If we're destined, Chakotay, if there really is such a thing, then we'll find each other again. But for now...I'm not ready. There is so much darkness in my head, so much ugliness, and you don't need that in your life. I'll only hurt you, Chakotay, and you don't deserve that." Another tear ran down her cheek. "Please don't ruin a perfect day by asking for more. Don't make me leave under a cloud. I want always to remember this day as bright and sunny."

With moist eyes, Chakotay got to his feet. "Then how about we say goodbye with a kiss?"

Kathryn hesitated, but then smiled. "I'd like that."

Without another word, Chakotay opened his arms to her. Kathryn raised herself into them and slipped her arms around his neck as his arms enfolded her. Then slowly, softly, Chakotay lowered his lips to hers and kissed her tenderly. Kathryn closed her eyes and let herself melt into the kiss, melt and drift. Then, all too soon, it was over.

"I'll show you to the transporter room," Chakotay said sadly.

Kathryn gave a nod, picked up the pots they had made, stacked them together, and then followed him into the lodge. In silence, Chakotay led her to the transporter room, which was little more than a square box with a sliding pinewood door, and then turned to face her.

"If you change your mind," he said, "and would like to see me again, then please get in touch."

"I will," Kathryn answered. "But please don't...please don't hope." Then, mindful of the pots she was holding, she stepped forward and kissed his cheek. "Goodbye, Chakotay. I'll beam myself home."

"Ok," he answered, tears in his eyes. "Goodbye, Kathryn."

Their eyes locked, the moment a second and an eternity, then Chakotay was gone. Fighting the tears, and fighting the part of her that longed to follow him and tell him she wanted to see him again after all, Kathryn switched on the transporter and entered her destination co-ordinates. Knowing Chakotay could use them to find her, she imputed those of Starfleet Academy rather than those of her apartment. From the Academy she could find her own way home. Then, as an extra precaution, she set the transporter to auto-erase the transport from its history. When that was done, she stepped onto the transporter pad, activated transport, and in seconds dematerialized.

END OF CHAPTER NINE


	10. Chapter 10

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER TEN**

NINE MONTHS LATER

A hazy daze.

Slowly, sluggishly, Kathryn stirred awake and put her hands to her hurting head.

Where was she? Whose bed? Whose home?

Her home.

Her apartment in San Francisco.

The blue blind on the window, the blue carpet on the floor, and the lemon painted walls told her that.

Her home. Her bed.

And alone.

The man with whom she'd spent the night, the blurry red haired man in her memory, must have left.

Yes. There was a note on the next pillow. The familiar 'thank you and goodbye' note. Kathryn picked it up, gave it a quick glance, and then scrunched it up and tossed it into the bin.

And then...

And then the tears.

Grabbing the pillow, she hugged it tight to her chest and sobbed into it. Sobbed and sobbed until her eyes were red and her face was soaked with tears. But why? Why was she crying? This was the life she wanted. This was the life she had chosen. A life of many lovers, lovers to wear once but never twice.

Lovers.

They were not lovers. There was no love. They were only encounters.

Cold, meaningless, encounters.

Cold.

But her heart was not cold. It was empty, empty of love, but not cold. It was warm and ached to be filled. Ached to be filled with love. A warm, safe, love.

Warmth. Safety. Love.

Chakotay.

Over the past nine months she had thought of him often. That day they had spent together at his lodge, that wonderful day that she remembered like a beautiful dream, had been one of the happiest of her life. Everything about it had been magical and she had often relived it in her mind. But, when she was back there on the verandah with Chakotay, sitting with him beneath the stars, in her mind the ending was different. Instead of saying no when Chakotay had said he wanted to see her again, she had said yes. Then their heavenly kiss, a kiss that still made her heart dance to remember, had not been a kiss of goodbye. It had been a kiss of hope and promise. A promise of wonderful tomorrows. This could so easily have been the ending. All it would have taken was a yes.

But she had been afraid.

Too afraid to take a chance.

And now...

And now there was only regret.

She should have said yes. She should have given Chakotay the chance he had asked for. Even if things hadn't worked out, even if she had been hurt, the pain couldn't have been any worse than the pain she was feeling right now. Right now it was so raw that she wished she was dead.

Dead so she could not feel it.

Dead so wouldn't go on feeling it.

But she had to go on living. As long as she was alive, she had to go on living. To take her own life would be to destroy the lives of her loved ones too and she could never do that. For them she would live as long as she had to. Perhaps some day she would die in the line of duty, she certainly took enough risks, and then her death would be noble. Her family would mourn, but without the guilt that suicide always left, they would not despair. Their lives, though changed, would not be ruined.

Slowly, Kathryn climbed out of bed, put on a blue robe, and then walked over to the replicator. At her command, the machine produced a hypospray of hangover meds, and Kathryn injected herself with it. Then, as the fog before her eyes cleared, she went into the bathroom. As always, there were hickies on her neck, but Kathryn's couldn't be bothered to treat them. Not yet. Not now. They didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

When she'd finished in the bathroom, Kathryn made her way into the lounge. Scattered on the couch were her clothes from the night before, a black sequined dress and sexy black underwear, and in the middle of the floor were her high heel shoes. Kathryn kicked them aside and then replicated herself a much needed coffee. The replicator was next to a glass unit that displayed odds and ends, and on it, acting as bookends to a shelf of books, were the pots she and Chakotay had made. Kathryn looked at them and fresh tears welled in her eyes. Tenderly, she touched the sunset pot Chakotay had made and relived the kiss they had shared over the potter's wheel. A kiss that had been so sensual and tender. Why had she walked away? Chakotay was such a wonderful man, the most wonderful man she'd met since Justin, and since Justin was the first man she had felt a chemistry with. How could she have let him go?

From fear.

But fear could be conquered. It had to be conquered. It would be conquered.

Somehow she would end this hell she was trapped in. For Chakotay, she would try. He had told her to get in touch if she changed her mind about not wanting to see him again. Her mind was changed. She would get in touch.

Get in touch right now.

His name, his rank, his position, all these she knew, so finding him would be a doddle. Of course, there was every chance that he was in space, but by the same token, there was every chance that he was on Earth. If they really were destined, if they really were a match made in the stars, then he would be home.

Not wanting to waste a second, Kathryn put down her coffee, dried her eyes, and switched on her computer. Quickly, she accessed Starfleet's database and then performed an officer search. As she didn't know how to spell Chakotay's name, she could only guess, so it took several attempts before she hit jackpot. When she did, Chakotay's profile displayed on the screen, complete with a picture, and Kathryn's heart skipped a beat. But then, as she looked at his current status, her joy faded. According to his profile, he'd been seriously injured in an explosion on his ship and was hospitalized. The hospital was listed as St Gertrude's, Portland, but there were no details given about his injuries.

At this, Kathryn felt a sickness churn inside, a dread. Chakotay was hurt. Possibly dying.

Dying.

Soon to be just a memory.

A memory like Justin.

And then...

And then she was weeping.

How could this happen? Why were the Fates being so cruel? Had they not tortured her enough?

Dying.

But not yet dead.

Perhaps not dying.

Perhaps recovering.

Fear.

But fear could be conquered. It would be conquered.

"Computer," she said, "open a channel to St Gertrude's Hospital, Portland, Oregon."

The computer answered instantly. "Channel opening."

Then a woman's voice spoke. "Good morning. This is St Gertrude's Hospital, Portland. How may I help?"

"Hi," Kathryn said, her voice shaky, "I'm...I'm enquiring about a patient. His name is Chakotay."

"Could you spell that for me, Ma'am?"

"Yes," she answered. It's C. H. A. K. O. T. A. Y."

"Ok, Ma'am. Just a moment."

There was a brief silence, then the woman spoke again.

"I've found him, Ma'am. What is your enquiry?"

"I'd just like to know how he is. I've heard that he's been injured and...and I'd just like to know."

"Of course, Ma'am. Unfortunately, I can't give you much details over the comm, but I can tell you that while his condition is still critical, he's out of danger. He was admitted a month ago, when his ship returned home, and was moved to a regular ward from intensive care five days ago. He is able to receive visitors at the regular hours, which are between ten and two and four and eight, so if you want to see him please come then. He or a doctor will tell you more."

"Ok," Kathryn replied. "Thank for your help."

"You're welcome, Ma'am. Have a good day."

With that, the connection terminated.

As it did, as silence fell, Kathryn lay back against the couch.

Alive.

Chakotay was alive.

Alive and out of danger.

But still critical.

The Reaper was still close by. Still hovering over him with that bloody blade of death.

But not striking.

Chakotay was not dead.

Chakotay was out of danger.

It was not his time to die, not like it had been Justin's. He was just injured. Just injured in the line of duty as she had been many times. He would be ok.

Fear.

But fear could be conquered. It would be conquered.

Resolved to win the battle, Kathryn closed her computer, downed her cooling coffee, and then made her way into her bedroom. It was now just after eleven so the hospital would be open to visitors. She would get showered, dressed, and then visit Chakotay. She would tell him she'd heard of his hospitalization and see where the conversation took them. Perhaps he would no longer be interested, nine months was a long time, but she would try to think positive. For too long she had been negative. There was every chance he would still be interested and they could rewrite the ending to their story.

Feeling more confident by the second, Kathryn took a quick shower, healed the marks of passion on her neck, and then dyed her red hair black. It probably wasn't necessary, as Chakotay would probably recognize her anyway, but as it was the Kathryn with black hair he'd been attracted to, it was the Kathryn with black hair she wanted to present. Then, when her hair was dyed and dried, she got dressed. Wanting to look feminine, but not too made up, she put on a long purple skirt that was speckled with tiny white flowers, a pretty white top that shimmered in the light, purple slip-on shoes, and a white jacket. Then she applied some make up and brushed her long hair. It was as wild and stubborn as always so, now that her fringe was gone, she swept it up into a tidy bun.

Finally ready, she requested some fresh strawberries from a farm in Indiana, placed them into a little basket when they arrived, and then covered the basket with a white cloth. She didn't want to visit Chakotay empty handed and, as he was a strawberry lover, she wanted to treat him with the freshest and the best.

Then, after taking one last look at herself in a mirror, she left by transport.

* * *

><p>When Kathryn arrived at St Gertrude's Hospital, she found herself at reception. It seemed to be a big hospital, bigger than she'd expected, and was very busy. Kathryn had to queue for a receptionist and then, after she'd been given Chakotay's ward and room number, had to queue at the lifts. Luckily, Chakotay's ward was only on the third floor so the lift got her there in no time.<p>

As she walked down the windowless white corridor to his room, Kathryn felt both a rush of anxiety and of excitement. Half of her couldn't wait to get there while the other half just wanted to run away. But she was determined to do this. She was determined to see him. She had walked away twice, she would not do it again. Love is not a coward, that is what Justin had said, so, if she wanted to find love, she would have to be brave.

Brave.

She would be brave.

Brave.

As Chakotay's room, number 105, came into view, Kathryn took a calming breath and turned to it. The white door was closed, but as she'd been told at reception, she pressed a glowing yellow button that had Visitor written on it. As soon as she did, the double door parted and beckoned her inside. Kathryn stepped into the room, the basket of strawberries over her arm, and expected to see Chakotay sitting up in bed. But it was a completely different scene that greeted her. Instead of sitting, Chakotay was lying in a clinical bed of white, and he seemed to be unconscious. There was a bandage around his head and several devices were monitoring his vital signs. In a corner of the room, a male doctor with gray hair was fiddling with equipment, but Kathryn hardly acknowledged him. All her attention was on Chakotay. He looked so fragile, so thin, so different to the strong and vibrant man she had known.

Dying.

He was dying.

Dying like her heart.

Her heart that could not face that pain again.

It had been a mistake to come. A mistake to think that life would ever be kind to her. It never had been kind. Always it was cruel. A torturer she wished she could be free of.

"Don't upset yourself, Ma'am."

The voice was the doctor's.

"The Commander is not unconscious, he's merely sleeping. He's just returned from another regeneration session and will sleep for some time. He's doing well and I'm confident that he'll make a good recovery."

At these words, Kathryn's pain eased. Chakotay wasn't dying. Just hurt.

"His condition is stable," the doctor went on, "and is improving every hour."

Slowly, Kathryn turned to the doctor. "What...what is his condition exactly? I've only just heard he's hospitalized and...and I know nothing."

"The Commander suffered a severe head injury in an explosion on his ship," the doctor told her. "He was in a coma for several weeks, his life hanging in the balance, but he finally came out of it last week. He has suffered significant physical and mental impairment, including paralysis, hearing loss, and memory loss, but the neural regeneration treatments he is receiving have so far proved successful and have repaired much of the damage. With further treatments, and extensive physiotherapy, I'm confident he will regain full use of his body. However, it's unlikely he will recover all his memories or full hearing range."

"I see," Kathryn said quietly. "How is he...how is he coping?"

"Very well. His attitude is positive. That can make all the difference."

Positive.

So did she have to be positive.

But being positive was hard when there were so many negatives. And there was one in particular that was oppressing her. The one on which everything depended.

"His memory loss," she asked hesitantly, "what''s...what's the nature of it?"

"Retrograde amnesia," the doctor declared. "The Commander has lost all memory of the explosion and the two years preceding it. He may recover those memories eventually, but it will take time. Possibly years. However, the memory loss won't effect his quality of life. He knows who he is and has no cognitive impairment. It's anterograde amnesia that generally devastates lives."

As Kathryn gazed at Chakotay, a tear ran down her cheek. Two years. He had lost two years of his life. That meant...it meant he wouldn't remember their time together at his lodge. Meant he wouldn't remember her. He hadn't remembered her that night at the bar, not until she'd jogged his memory, so if she returned when he was awake, she would be nothing but a stranger.

A stranger.

They would be strangers.

He would be a stranger. A stranger like all the other men.

"Of course," the doctor went on, "any loss of memory can impact personal relationships. How long have you known the Commander?"

"Not two years," she answered. It wasn't exactly the truth, but it wasn't a lie either.

"Then I'm sorry. But don't despair. Even though he won't remember you, at least for the moment, you may be familiar to him. Talking to him about the times you've shared together may help him to remember them. He's still the same man he was. If you were friends, or more, then you can be again."

Kathryn said nothing, just gazed at Chakotay.

"I'll give you some time alone with him," the doctor went on. "If you have any further questions, I'll be in my office. It's just down the corridor. Room 100."

The doctor then left and the door closed behind him. When he was gone, Kathryn tearfully walked over to Chakotay. He was lying so still, so helpless, and the sight hurt her heart. Hurt her heart that was already shattered.

"Oh, Chakotay," she wept. "Why did it have to be this way? I really hoped that...But now...Now there's no hope."

Tenderly, she reached out and brushed her fingers against his cheek.

"I'll never forget you. Even though you can't remember me, I'll never forget you. That day we shared together at your lodge was one of the happiest of my life. I'm sorry I didn't say yes. I'm sorry I walked away. And I'm sorry that I have to again. But I can't...I can't stay in your life when you don't remember that I was ever in it. I thought that maybe we were meant to be together after all, that we really were destined, but I was just being foolish. Just letting myself believe it because I wanted to. We're not meant to be, I'm not meant for any one, so I'll leave you these strawberries and say goodbye."

Carefully, she placed the basket of strawberries on his bedside cabinet. Then she looked at him one last time.

"Goodbye, Chakotay. Get well and...and be happy."

Then, unable to endure anymore, she turned around and left.

* * *

><p>Time...<p>

Time was suspended.

As Kathryn lay on her couch, clutching a cushion, time was no more.

Tears were no more. After getting back from the hospital she had wept for so long that she could weep no more.

Empty.

Numb.

Lost.

And then...

And then there was someone at the door.

Mark.

"Hi Kath," his voice said through the intercom, "it's me, Mark. I'm just calling on the off chance that you're home."

Home.

Yes, she was home.

Home.

If this place could be called one.

But she didn't want to see him. She didn't want to see anyone. She just wanted to fade away and die.

"But I guess you're not home," Mark went on, "or, if you are, you're in the bath or something. I'll call back later. Bye, Kath."

However, as he left, Kathryn felt an overwhelming urge to go after him. His presence, his voice, they was like a light in the darkness, a harbor in a storm, a safety net saving her from a fall. By leaving, he took the light with him, made the storm rage again, and left her falling into the black pit of death beneath her. Quickly, she got to her feet, hurried to the door, and opened it. Mark was walking down the corridor, his long gray coat flowing as always, and she called after him.

"Mark!"

At the sound of her voice, Mark turned around with a smile. "So you are home," he said. "Hi."

"Hi," Kathryn replied. "Please...come in."

Mark walked back to her apartment and Kathryn waited for him inside.

"I'm really glad you're here," Mark said as he entered the lounge, "I've been trying to get you one way or another all day." He reached into a pocket of his coat and pulled out two gold envelopes. "Two tickets to the new ballet Velanzo. I know you've wanted to see it for a long time and a friend of a friend pulled some strings."

"Oh, Mark," Kathryn said quietly. "That's so sweet."

"They're for Friday. So if you have plans, rearrange them."

"I have no plans," Kathryn answered. "I'd love to go."

"Then it's a date," Mark smiled warmly. But then, when he saw how pale Kathryn was and saw the tell-tale marks of tears on her face, his joy turned to concern. "Is everything ok, Kath? You look like you've been crying."

At this, Kathryn turned away. "I...I'm fine. I just...I'm fine."

Gently, Mark put his hand on her shoulder. "Another guy let you down?"

"Something like that," Kathryn answered. "But I...I'll get over it."

"Of course you will. Any guy who lets you go isn't worth crying over." Then, as though he'd said too much, he stepped back. "What you need is a distraction. How about we go swimming? I have the day off and we haven't been in such a long time. It doesn't do to get rusty."

"I don't know," Kathryn replied. "I'm really not..."

"I won't take no for an answer."

"Ok then," Kathryn conceded. "Let's go swimming."

Mark smiled. "The quarries of Mars?"

Kathryn nodded with a smile. "The quarries of Mars."

END OF CHAPTER TEN


	11. Chapter 11

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER ELEVEN**

2370

In a sunny room decorated with blue bunnies, Jasper Pemberton slept soundly in his crib. The cute baby boy was four months old and had a mop of gorgeous black curls. From beside the crib, dressed in her Starfleet uniform and her hair a short sandy blonde, Kathryn looked down at him. This was the first time she had seen him, as this was her first homecoming in six months, and as she gazed at the adorable baby, a profound longing filled her heart. A longing for a baby of her own. For so many years she had convinced herself that she didn't want children, that a career was enough for her, but as she looked at this sleeping bundle of joy, there was no denying that she did. She wanted what Holly had. She wanted a husband and she wanted a child.

Love.

She wanted love.

Needed love.

"Looks like an angel, doesn't he?" Holly said quietly. "But don't let looks fool you. He can be a real little devil at times. Five times I was up with him last night. Five. I love him to bits, but honestly, Kath, sometimes I feel like giving him to the Borg."

Holly expected her friend to laugh, but instead Kathryn wept.

"Oh, Kath," Holly said, wrapping her arm around her, "what is it? What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Kathryn replied, trying hard to hold back the tears. "I just...I'm fine."

"You're clearly far from that. Come on. Let's go downstairs and talk."

"No," Kathryn protested. "I...I'm ok."

"And I'm the Borg Queen. We're talking and that's that."

"There's really nothing to say. I'm just...I'm just feeling broody."

At this, Holly drew Kathryn close. "Oh, Kath. I'm sorry, I..."

"It's ok," Kathryn replied, drawing away. "We knew it would happen, right? Or at least you did. But it's no big deal. I'll get over it."

"But why should you have to? There's nothing wrong in wanting a child. It's a perfectly natural instinct. And you can have one, Kath. You can have one just like mine...though hopefully with less volume."

"I can't," Kathryn answered. "It's too late and...and I can't."

"It's not too late, Kath. You've got plenty of time. All you have to do is get the sterilization reversed."

"It's not as simple as that, Holly. My life is...my life is a mess."

"I know that," Holly replied. "But you can turn things around, Kath. You're the cleverest, bravest, most disciplined person I know. It's only when you drink that things get out of control."

"But that's why I drink," Kathryn confessed. "Don't you see? Because it's the only way I can be free."

"From the ghosts of the past, I know. But you've let them haunt you long enough. It's time to exorcise those demons now. And you can do it. I know you can."

"I want to," Kathryn said, "you don't know how much, but I...I'm afraid."

Afraid of loving only to lose again.

Afraid she couldn't be intimate unless drunk.

"I know that too," Holly answered. "Since losing Justin you've walled up your heart and kept everyone outside. Even me. But you need to knock that wall down, Kathryn. You need to let someone in."

"I don't know where to start."

"With one stone at a time. And the first stone is the drinking. You're not an alcoholic, Kath. You can go for months and months without a drop. You only drink so you can pick up men. You use it like a shield. As a way to stop yourself being hurt. But you are hurt. I know you hurt. Because it isn't you. That woman isn't you." Kindly, Holly put her hand on Kathryn's shoulder. "You can stop, Kath. You can turn your life around. But you have to want to."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "I do. I hate my life I...I hate coming home. When I'm in space, when I'm only the officer, everything is...everything is easier."

"That's because you use the officer as another shield. You have so many, Kath. You have so many shields. But one by one you can lower them. I know that losing Justin devastated your life, and I know you're afraid of feeling that pain again, but none of us knows what tomorrow will bring. We can only live for today. And that's what you have to start doing. You have to stop worrying about what may or may not happen in the future. You have to start living and making memories to cherish. It's a short life, Kath, even when it's long."

"I know," Kathryn said. "And you're right. I hurt so much sometimes that...that taking a chance on someone can't hurt any more. But...but things never go right for me, Holly. No matter what I do, no matter what I try, things go wrong."

"Not everything, Kath. Word is you're going to be made a captain by the end of the year. For a woman of your age, that's pretty amazing. I know that life has dealt you some tough blows, and in the love stakes you've fared worse than most, but you have to take some of the responsibility too. Instead of giving good men a chance, you've brushed them off for losers. Give them a chance, Kath. Give Mark a chance."

At this, Kathryn flinched. "Mark?"

Holly nodded. "He loves you. He's never said so, but I can tell."

"But he's... he's just a friend."

"A friend who is in love with you. I think he has been for a long time. He'd be a good husband, Kath. A good father."

"Yes, but...but I don't think of him that way."

"I didn't of my husband once. I was so busy chasing hot guys that I missed what was right under my nose. I think you are too." Holly took Kathryn's hand in hers. "Give him a chance, Kath. Relationships that start with friendship are often the best relationships of all."

"You're right," Kathryn said. "And I do love Mark. We've known each other for years and...and in so many ways he's my best friend after you. I just don't...I've just never..."

Holly helped her out. "Felt a chemistry?"

Kathryn nodded.

"It was that way with Ben and me too. But then, all of a sudden, the chemistry was explosive. Sometimes we just need to tune in to the right frequency. Tune into Mark's and I think you guys could have something very special."

Something very special.

Those were the words Chakotay had said.

Chakotay.

It had been over four years since that day at the lodge. Why did she still think of him?

"I married a friend, Kath," Holly went on, "and it was the best thing I ever did. Give Mark a chance. You deserve a good guy and you deserve to be happy. Please. Give him one for me."

Kathryn hesitated, but then nodded with a smile. "I will, Holl. If he asks me, I will."

Holly smiled back and poked Kathryn's stomach. "Then we'll have to make sure that he does."

* * *

><p>That afternoon, in the lounge of the apartment she had lived in for almost a decade, Kathryn carefully packed her belongings into boxes. After her chat with Holly, after finally making the decision to turn her life around once and for all, she was going to make a fresh start in a new home. A new home for a new life. A new home for a new decade. And this decade was going to be a good one. She could feel it in her bones. Where exactly she was going to move to, she didn't know, but she was packing away anyway. Packing away the past.<p>

Suddenly, the door chime played. As it did, Kathryn sealed up a box of books and then got to her feet.

"Come in!"

The door opened and Mark came in. He was dressed casually in a blue shirt over white pants and he smiled warmly.

"Hi, Kath."

"Hi," Kathryn smiled back.

The usual ease between them was awkward now, and yet the air was charged with anticipation.

"I thought I'd come over and welcome you home."

"Thank you," Kathryn said. "I'm glad you have."

Her hair was long now, red, and Mark looked at it in delight. "I see your hair's your own this time."

Kathryn smiled. "My hair's always my own, Mark. It's just not always its own color. But I thought I'd go natural for a while."

"Good. You should always. Your hair is beautiful."

Their eyes locked, just for a moment, then Mark turned his attention to the boxes on the floor.

"Decorating?"

"No," she answered. "I'm moving."

"Where to?"

"I don't know, exactly. Maybe back to Bloomington. I've had enough of city life. There are some lovely apartments by Lake Griffy and I might see if any of those are vacant."

Mark couldn't help but laugh.

"What's so funny?" Kathryn asked.

"You," he answered. "You're the only person I know who would pack away their belongings when they have no where to go."

"Oh, but I do. My next home is waiting. I just don't know where it is. But by this time tomorrow, I'll be in it. Half a day is all it takes nowadays to view, secure, and move in...providing the apartment is vacant, of course. Besides, it's not just the going. It's the knowing that you're going. It's the making of the decision. Once I've made up my mind, it's full steam ahead."

"Don't I know it. And usually at warp speed. But instead of an apartment, why don't you get a house? There's a vacant one just over the road to me. I think it would suit you perfectly."

"Really?"

"Absolutely. It's only two bedroom, so not too big, and only has a garden in the back. I'd be happy to maintain it while you're in space. I love gardening."

Now Kathryn laughed. "No, you don't, Mark. You hate it."

"Ok, then," he smiled, "I'll admit it. But to have you as a neighbor, I'd dig dirt all day."

"Well, I'll save you the trouble and get the lawn paved."

Mark's eyes sparkled. "Then...?"

Kathryn nodded. "I'm sold. The house on your street it is."

Mark smiled. "That's made me very happy, Kath. Shall we go view it now?"

"No need. If you say it's the house for me, it's the house for me. I'll call the realtor later and secure it. Who knows, I might be moving in tonight."

"The sooner the better. But perhaps I should have said you move at transwarp speed. No wonder they're going to make you a captain."

"Well, it's not quite in the bag yet. I've got to prove myself on the next mission."

"Which you will. You always do." A sadness then clouded his joy. "But won't being a captain mean you're in space forever?"

"No," she answered. "How much I'm there would depend on the missions I'm assigned or accept. I can volunteer for long ones or demand short ones. Some captains are only ever away for a month or two at a time. Some less than that. It's pretty much the same situation as now. I'm away a lot because...because I want to be."

Mark closed the gap between them. "Is there anything that would...that would make you not want to be?"

"Maybe," Kathryn said, holding his gaze. "Maybe a...a reason to stay."

Gently, Mark put his hand on her shoulder. "Holly called me earlier. She said she'd seen you this morning and...and she said some things that...some things that have brought me here." Tears filled his eyes. "I haven't ever told you, because I didn't think you were interested, but I'm crazy about you, Kath. I have been for a long time."

At these words, tears filled Kathryn's eyes too. So it was true. He really was in love with her. Holly, as always, was right.

"Oh Mark," she said, putting her hand over his.

"If you feel the same, or if you feel you could, then...then I'd like us to give things a shot."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. Mark was such a good man. A kind, decent, man, and as she gazed into his eyes, his dark gray eyes that were looking at her with such warmth, she felt for the first time a spark between them. With time, perhaps it would blaze.

"But if Holly's got the wrong end of the stick," he continued, "and I've said too much, then...then just forget I said anything. Your friendship is important to me and I'd hate to lose it."

"You won't," Kathryn said. "Lose it. And Holly wasn't wrong. I'd like us to...to give things a go too. But not a shot, ok? I'd like us to take things slowly. There's a lot at stake, for both of us."

Mark smiled, his joy absolute, and then drew Kathryn into his arms. "As slowly as you want, Kath. As slowly as you want."

Tentatively, Kathryn returned Mark's embrace and rested her head on his broad shoulder. His hug was warm, safe, loving.

Warmth. Safety. Love.

Chakotay.

But she would not think of him. He was history. Mark was the present and the future. A future that, for the first time, she could look forward too.

Love.

Mark loved her. She loved Mark. Passion would come later. It had for Holly. It would for her.

Tenderly, Mark kissed her long hair and then stroked it. Strokes that were a gentle caress. Kathryn closed her eyes and let herself melt into the affection. It had been so long since she had been held and caressed. Too long since love had touched her. It felt so good in love's embrace.

Then Mark was drawing her away and lifting her face with a finger. Then his lips were kissing hers. Kissing softly, tenderly. Kathryn felt a stirring deep inside, a magic weaving, and then...and then she was kissing him back.

Kissing with her lips. Kissing with her heart.

* * *

><p>By the following evening, the house on Mark's street was Kathryn's. It was a modern house, compact but stylish, and in its spacious lounge, Kathryn celebrated her move-in with her mother, Phoebe, Mark and Holly.<p>

"Oh, I'm so happy," her mother said as Kathryn poured them all a glass of champagne. "I can't believe you're back in Bloomington. I feel like I'm dreaming! I never see enough of you and now I'm going to see you all the time."

Phoebe laughed. "Hardly, Mom. In this age of transporters, everywhere is next door. You won't see any more of Kath now than you did before. She's still going to be in space for what seems like forever."

"That's where you're wrong," Kathryn said. "After this next mission, it's short ones only for me."

"Oh, I'll believe that when I see it. You never come home more than twice a year. If anyone has space fever, it's you."

Holly spoke with a smile. "But fevers can be cured. Isn't that right, Kath?"

"Yes," Kathryn answered, linking her arm with Mark's. "All it takes is the right medicine and here's mine."

Gretchen's eyes widened. "You mean..."

Kathryn nodded. "We're together."

"Oh, Katie," Gretchen said, putting down her glass and scooping Kathryn in her arms. "Oh, what wonderful news! Oh, I'm so happy for you both!"

"Calm it, Mom," Phoebe laughed. "It's not like they're getting married or anything." Then she sobered "Or are you?"

"No," Kathryn replied, drawing away from her mother. "We're just dating."

"No for now," Gretchen smiled. "You know what they say. From little acorns big trees grow." She then hugged Mark. "Congratulations, Mark. I know you'll take care of my girl."

"Oh," Phoebe declared. "Kath can take care of herself."

"I know," Gretchen answered, almost proudly. "But life is a lonely road without love." Tears filled her eyes and she put her hand to Kathryn's cheek. "I'm glad you've...I'm glad."

Kathryn smiled. "Thanks, Mom. But don't expect too much. We're taking things slowly. We don't want to jeopardize our friendship."

"Oh, it's jeopardized," Phoebe said. "Once you've gone down lovers lane, there's no going back to friendship avenue. But I don't think you'll need to. I'm sure you guys will make it."

"I am too," Holly added. "And I'm absolutely thrilled. You're two very special people and deserve all the happiness in the world."

"You certainly do," Gretchen agreed. "But, Katie, you don't want to take things too slowly. A leisurely pace in love is always good, but not a dawdle. Time is knocking on if you want little yous."

"First marriage," Phoebe laughed, "now babies. You'd better watch out, guys. Mom'll have you shackled!"

"But you want babies, don't you, Katie?" Gretchen said.

"Someday," Kathryn replied.

"Well," Mark teased. "That's news to me."

Kathryn turned to him. "Don't you want babies?"

"Not if they cry as much as Jasper."

At this, Holly put her hand on his arm. "Trust me, Mark. No baby cries as much as Jasper."

They all laughed.

"But seriously," Holly went on. "You want kids, don't you?"

"Of course I do," Mark said, putting his arm around Kathryn. "I don't mind if we have a dozen."

"Good," Phoebe smiled, "because I'm betting it's babies or dogs and I know you hate dogs."

"I don't hate them, exactly," he answered. "I just don't love them. Or rather, they don't love me."

"But mine will," Kathryn declared. "Just as soon as I get one."

Mark raised an eyebrow. "You're getting one?"

"Of course. House means dog."

"Then I should have let you take an apartment," he teased.

"Oh, you'll love him when I get him...or her."

Phoebe spoke. "If you love Kath, Mark, you'll have to love dogs. No two ways about it."

Mark gazed into Kathryn's eyes and smiled. "Then it's a good thing that I do...love Kathryn."

Kathryn smiled back, her eyes moist.

"I say we make a toast," Holly suggested. "To love and to new beginnings."

"And so say I," Gretchen said, picking up her forgotten glass of champagne. "To love and to new beginnings."

They all tapped their glasses together.

"And to this new decade," Kathryn smiled. "May it be our best one yet."

END OF CHAPTER ELEVEN


	12. Chapter 12

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER TWELVE**

2371

Voyager.

Alone on the impressive bridge of the ship that was now hers, Kathryn sat in the captain's chair and looked around. This ship was special, she had felt that from the first, and already it felt like a part of her. For years she had dreamt of captaining a ship, of exploring new worlds and charting the new frontier, and now that moment was finally upon her. She was a captain and Voyager was her ship. Any day now she would be assigned her first mission, something in the field of exploration, and already she was selecting her crew.

Her crew for her ship.

Life, at last, was wonderful.

* * *

><p>"Welcome home."<p>

Mark, as always, greeted Kathryn with open arms when she arrived back in Bloomington two days later.

"Thanks, honey," Kathryn said, hugging him in his lounge. "It's good to be back."

Mollie, Kathryn's beloved dog, came running in from the garden with excited barks.

"Looks like someone else is pleased to see you," Mark smiled.

"Yes," Kathryn laughed. She then drew away from Mark and hugged her dog. "Hello, old girl. I've missed you too!"

After a canine welcome of sloppy kisses, Kathryn got to her feet and wiped off the slobber.

"Anyone would think she hasn't seen me for a year," she laughed.

"Believe me, Kath," Mark joked, "for both of us the last week has felt like one."

"Oh, you've enjoyed her company really. I know you have a soft spot for her."

"Yes, and it's called you. But don't ask me to look after her again. She's howled all night, barked all day, wrecked my lounge, ravaged my bed, stolen my food, and dug up my garden. She's not a dog, she's a demon."

"Oh, she's just spunky. You've got to be firm with her, Mark. You've got to let her know who's boss."

"Easy for a captain to say." He then smiled. "How was your baby?"

"Incredible," Kathryn replied. "I've never seen a finer ship. And the bridge...to die for. I can't wait to fly her."

"Any word on your first mission?"

"Not yet, but any day now. I've still got half my crew to pick, though. It's important that I get the right mix so I'm not rushing it. Some I'll need to interview to be sure. I like out of the box thinking, you know? Space is so full of the extraordinary that it can be the difference between life and death. But I've found over the years that unconventional thinkers don't always do well at the Academy. There's something about the system that stifles them. Probably stuffy old admirals set in their ways. I'm going to go through some more applications tonight and line up some interviews for Wednesday."

Mark sighed. "Must it be tonight, Kath? You've only just got back and I was hoping we could spend some time together."

"I suppose I could take a few hours off. How about you come over to my place at 20:00 hours? I'll have dinner ready."

Mark slipped his arms around her and drew her close. "I have a better idea. How about you come here? I'll cook us something special."

Kathryn smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Sounds like an invitation I cannot resist."

Mark smiled back and then they kissed softly.

* * *

><p>After a delightful meal to candlelight and music, Kathryn and Mark cuddled up on his couch.<p>

"I really have missed you," he said, stroking her hair. "When you're away, I feel like a part of me is missing."

"Me too," Kathryn whispered.

"I know it's selfish of me, but I wish sometimes that I didn't have to share you with Starfleet. They get so much of you and me...not nearly enough."

At this, Kathryn raised herself to look at him. "I know, Mark. And I'm sorry. But things will get better. Now that I'm a captain, I'll be home more. And it's only going to be for a few years. Once I've made it to the admiralty, I'll be home always."

"A few years feels like an eternity. But, like I said, I'm just being selfish."

Kathryn took his hand in hers and squeezed it. "You're one of the least selfish people I know, Mark. My job, it...it makes a lot of demands, asks a lot of sacrifices. But without it then...then I wouldn't be who I am. I love my job, Mark. I need it."

"I know. But it feels, sometimes, more than me."

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes. "That's not true. I love you, Mark. You make me happier than I've been in years. But Starfleet it...it's a part of me. It always has been and it always will be. I know it's hard for you when I leave, and I know it's hard for you that I always seem to be working when I'm home, but you've always known that's who I am."

Mark nodded and gently put his hand to her cheek. "And I'm so proud of you, Kath. What you've achieved...to be a captain...I'm so proud. But I need...I need more. We've been together for almost a year now but...but it feels like we're not getting anywhere. I know you've been away a lot, I know we said we'd take things slowly, but there's taking things slowly and there's stagnating." He brushed a stray strand of her hair away from her face. "Stay tonight, Kath. I love you and I want to make love to you."

At this, Kathryn tensed and drew away. "I...I can't tonight. I...I've got a lot of work to do when I get home."

"I see," Mark answered. "Then this weekend? We could go somewhere special. Your choice."

"I...I can't. I have engagements."

"Then when, Kath? If this relationship is going to work, you're going to have to give us time. I can't wait around forever. I have needs."

Needs. Neal.

Suddenly suffocating, Kathryn got to her feet. "I think I'd better leave."

"That's it," Mark cried, standing too. "Walk away. Isn't that what you always do?"

Kathryn turned to him. "What do you mean?"

"I don't understand, Kathryn. I don't understand how you can sleep with strangers but not with me. Is it because you don't want to? Is it because I'm not attractive to you?"

"No," Kathryn answered. "No. I just... The others, they didn't mean anything. You...you mean everything. I don't want us to move too fast and spoil things."

"Fast? Haven't you listened to anything I've said? I'm ready, Kath. I'm ready for more. I need more." He seized her and drew her body against his. "Please, Kath. Stay tonight."

Feeling like the world was closing in, crushing her, choking her, Kathryn desperately pushed him away. "No, Mark. I said no!"

"But Kathryn..."

"And it's over between us. Finished."

"But..."

"Goodbye, Mark."

With that, she hurried over to the front door.

Mark followed her. "Kathryn...please..."

"I mean it, Mark. We clearly want different things and...and it's for the best."

"But..."

"See you around."

Then, before Mark knew it, she was gone.

* * *

><p>Curled up in her favorite armchair, hugging a cushion, Kathryn wept. It had happened again. The past had destroyed the future.<p>

Her past.

Her past that would never set her free. Always she would be its prisoner. Always she would be chained within its walls of horror. Even though it had been almost twenty years since that terrible night, that night that had devastated her life, in so many ways it still felt like yesterday. There was no escape. No relief. Even though Neal was now dead, his life having ended in combat over a decade ago, he was still controlling her life. Still haunting her. His ghost would never set her free.

In Justin she had seen him. In Chakotay. And in Mark.

Always he was there.

Always, always, always.

Only in strangers was he gone. Only in the cold touch of strangers did she not feel him. Only in a drunken haze did she not see him.

Strangers.

If only he had been a stranger.

Then it would be easier to trust.

Trust.

He had not just raped her body, he had raped her trust. Stripped it away and violated it so violently that she could not trust again. Not completely. Not totally. Not enough to surrender her body and her mind. She could only surrender her body. Only surrender it when her mind was drunk. Only surrender it to strangers. Not to love. Love had betrayed her.

Love.

It could not be had without sex.

She was there again, back at the Academy, back to being that tortured young girl who had walked around in hell until Justin.

So confused. So afraid. So lonely.

Love.

Sexual love.

Why did she want it? Why did her heart keep yearning for what she most feared?

Love.

It could be had without sex.

It was called Friendship.

Why ask for more? Why seek out the horror?

Friendship.

From now on that's all she would seek in a man. To ask for more would be to ask too much. It would be to open a wound that was best left to heal. It would be to wound others.

Friendship.

It would have to be enough.

* * *

><p>Light. Bright.<p>

Stirring awake, Kathryn groaned at the pain in her neck. In the solitude of her lounge, to the lullaby of the rain, she had fallen asleep in her armchair. Mollie was at her feet, curled up and sleeping, but at her movements the dog woke. Wagging her tail, Mollie jumped up on Kathryn and licked her face good morning.

"And to you," Kathryn laughed. "But down, girl. I need my coffee."

Rubbing her aching neck, Kathryn got to her feet and walked over to the replicator.

"Coffee, black."

The drink appeared almost instantly and Kathryn picked it up. But, just as she was about to return to her chair and drink it, the door chime played.

"Computer," Kathryn said. "Who's there?"

The computer answered. "Mark Johnson."

At this, Kathryn froze. She didn't want to see him. Certainly not now. But there was no point burying her head in the sand like an ostrich. Only the ostrich thought it was hiding.

"Computer," she said. "Let him in."

There was a bleep and then the front door opened. Steeling herself, and taking a sip of coffee for courage, Kathryn turned towards it. Mark stepped in and he looked how she was feeling.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," Kathryn replied.

"Thanks for letting me in. I...We need to talk."

Kathryn nodded and gestured to the couch. "Please."

Mark sat stiffly.

"Can I get you a coffee?" she asked. "As you can see, I'm having one."

"No," he answered. "I'm fine. I..." He then stood back up. "No. No I'm not fine. I'm sorry, Kath. I'm sorry I upset you last night. That's the last thing I wanted."

"I know," Kathryn said quietly. "And I'm sorry too. But I meant what I said, Mark. It's over between us."

Tears filled his eyes. "But I love you, Kath."

"And I love you. But it's not going to work between us. We live in different worlds. Mine is space, most of the time, and yours is here. You need a woman whose life is here too."

"I don't," he protested. "I need you."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "Please, Mark. Please don't make this any harder."

"I'm not ready to give up on us. I know I came on too strong last night, but that's only because you drive me wild. I want you, Kath. I need you."

Neal. Always Neal.

"I know that since Justin you've avoided commitment like the terabungus plague, that you prefer things fast and loose, but we love each other, Kathryn, and we can't just throw that away."

"We can still be friends, Mark. Maybe that's all we should ever have been."

"I don't believe that. And I don't believe you want to end things. I think you're just afraid. Afraid of letting someone close incase you lose them too. But I'm going nowhere, Kathryn. I haven't seen the inside of a spaceship in years, and the most dangerous thing about my profession is the killer looks from students when I fail their papers. We can have a good life together. And I really am happy to take things as slowly as you want."

"But you're not," Kathryn argued. "You want more and...and there's nothing wrong with that. But I'm not ready. You're right. I do have an issue with commitment and that's...it's not fair to you."

"And neither is ending things this way. Please, Kath. Please give us another go."

But before Kathryn could answer, a chime played and then the computer spoke.

"Incoming audio transmission. Admiral John Horton."

Kathryn took a deep breath. "Accept."

In seconds, the admiral's voice filled the room. "Good morning, Captain. I don't believe in wasting time so I'll make this brief. Report to my office as soon as you can. I have something I'd like to discuss with you. A possible mission."

"Acknowledged," Kathryn said. "I'll be right there."

"See you soon then. Horton out."

As the connection terminated, Mark spoke.

"Charming guy."

"He just likes to get to the point. And so should we. No matter how we feel about each other, a relationship is more than just feelings. It's about making it work on a day to day basis. I don't think we can. We want and need different things."

"But we can make compromises."

"You've made too many already." Gently, she put her hand on his arm. "I'm sorry, Mark, but I've made my decision. It's over."

Mark lowered his eyes. "Then I don't suppose there's anything else to say."

"No. But we've had some good times together. Let's just remember them. Now, I...I'd better get changed. Horton doesn't like to be kept waiting."

"Then I'll go, but...but tell me we're still on for tennis tomorrow."

"I think not, Mark. I think it's best if we don't see each other for a while."

Mark looked at her sadly. "You're really resolved on this, aren't you?"

Kathryn nodded.

"Then I...I'll say goodbye." A tear escaped his eye. "Goodbye, Kath."

Kathryn felt her resolve weaken, felt her heart bleed, but she steeled herself. "Goodbye, Mark."

Then he was walking away and the door closed behind him.

END OF CHAPTER TWELVE


	13. Chapter 13

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN**

"I'm sorry to call you in on such short notice," Admiral Horton, a stocky black man with gray hair said, "but this really is a matter of some urgency."

Kathryn sat before his cluttered desk. "I'm pleased to be here, Sir. But if you're looking for a captain to lead an emergency mission, you're looking at the wrong captain. I don't even have a crew yet. I'm still selecting."

"That isn't why I called you in. I'm looking for recruits to the Maquis operation and your name was put forward. As you are probably aware, the Maquis are growing in number every day and every day become a greater threat to the Federation. Only yesterday we got word of a plot to blow up a starbase in the Ferdalo Sector. They must be stopped. Unfortunately, however, because of the delicate politics, a lot of captains don't want to know. I'm told that, as true blue Starfleet stock, you don't have such...sensitivities."

"Then you've been told wrong," Kathryn answered. "I may be true blue Starfleet stock, if by that you mean I come from a long line of Starfleet officers, but I haven't been brainwashed since birth to think that the Federation can do no wrong. I think the way our colonists were treated is atrocious. They looked to us for protection, and they deserved that protection as part of the Federation, but instead their homeworlds were palmed off to a brutal race. The Maquis methods may be wrong, but their cause is just. I'm sorry. You won't find a recruit in me."

The Admiral sighed. "Ok, Captain. I'll cross you off the list."

Kathryn was about to say thank you, when the door chime played. The Admiral beckoned whoever was there to come in, and a tall blond man that Kathryn recognized as Captain Adam Brentwell came in.

"Good morning, Captain," the Admiral said. "You know Captain Janeway, I believe."

"Yes," the Captain smiled. "I have had the pleasure."

"What can I do for you?" the Admiral asked. "And don't beat around the bush. I like it aimed and fired."

"Then I'll bite the bullet. I hear you're looking for recruits to the Maquis operation and I'd like to volunteer."

The Admiral's face lit up. "Excellent, Captain! Consider yourself recruited." He then shuffled through some pads on his desk and singled out one. "Here...take this. It's one of many crews we have intelligence on and are trying to capture. If they're the crew for you, you have yourself a commission."

Kathryn spoke. "If that's all, Sir, permission to leave."

The Admiral turned to her. "Granted."

At that, Kathryn got up to leave, but the next words spoken by Captain Brentwell stopped her in her tracks.

"A crew led by a former Starfleet officer called Chakotay," he said. "That could be interesting. Very interesting. Consider them mine."

Kathryn felt her stomach flip. Chakotay? Had he really said Chakotay? Then she was speaking her thoughts. "Chakotay? Did you say Chakotay?"

"That's right," Captain Brentwell answered. "Why? Do you know him?"

"We...we were once briefly acquainted," she replied. "But I didn't know he was in the Maquis."

Admiral Horton spoke. "One of its founding members. His homeworld was amongst those claimed by the Cardassians before the treaty last year and was virtually destroyed when the natives resisted. His family was killed and his tribe virtually wiped out. To avenge their deaths and to help defend other colonies from a similar fate, he left Starfleet in 2368 and joined a group of outlaws calling themselves freedom fighters. After the treaty, they banded together with other like groups to form The Maquis."

At this news, Kathryn felt sick. Even though the fate of Chakotay's homeworld had been the fate of many, and it was a fate she had heard of many times, before there had never been a personal connection. Now there was. All Chakotay's family dead. The world he had grown up on decimated. What hell he must have suffered she couldn't bear to imagine. It made her hell but a purgatory.

"I see you are shaken by this news," Admiral Horton said. "Would you like a drink? Tea, coffee?"

"No," Kathryn replied. "Thank you."

"I wouldn't upset myself over this Chakotay if I were you," Captain Brentwell said. "Anyone who abandons Starfleet for freedom fighting is an outlaw and a traitor to the Federation. Worse than that, they're terrorists. Hundreds of civilians have been caught up in Maquis antics and have either been killed or maimed for life. Feel sorry for them. Chakotay and his people had what was coming. The Cardassians had every right to claim their planet and had his people accepted the takeover peacefully, they'd still be alive. Bloody colonists. They abandon us to live on the fringes of Federation space, so they can preserve their traditions or whatever, but still expect us to defend them and fight for their rights. Bloody double standard. We're well shot of them."

"That is such an ignorant thing to say," Kathryn said, "that I'm not even going to respond to it."

"Good," he retorted. "Because I'm not interested in anything sympathizers have to say."

"If being a sympathizer means having compassion on those who have lost everything, then consider me one."

Admiral Horton interrupted. "Captain and Captain, please. Let's respect our differences."

"I only respect where respect is due," Captain Brentwell declared. "I have no time for captains who shirk their responsibilities to nurse a conscience. We all have a conscience, Captain Janeway, but some of us have it in the right place. You claim to be a Starfleet officer, but unless you're willing to protect the Federation against scum like the Maquis, you're not worth the shit of a fly. My sister is in her grave thanks to them, her husband and son too, so think on that when you're tending to your ever delicate conscience. If I have to kill this crew to rid the Federation of their threat, I'll do it."

"Oh, I'm sure you will," Kathryn said. "No doubt that is your intention. One more Maquis ship destroyed in a conflict. No one will bat an eyelid. Well, I'm not going to let you do it." She turned to Admiral Horton. "Give me Chakotay's crew, and you have yourself a recruit."

"What?" Captain Brentwell cried. "Are you for real?"

Kathryn ignored him. "Well, Sir?"

The Admiral nodded. "You have a deal."

Captain Brentwell put his hands to his head. "Oh man! What am I going to get? Some pissy crew that a bunch of cadets could catch?"

"If a bunch of cadets could catch them," Admiral Horton said firmly, "they would be in custody. You'll have a crew of equal caliber."

"So long as I do," Captain Brentwell sulked.

"I'll make sure of it. Now, dismissed. I'll personally select a crew for you and send you the particulars."

The Captain gave a nod. "Yes, Sir. Good day."

Then, with a glare at Kathryn, he left. As he did, Admiral Horton went over to Kathryn. "To have you fight our cause, I would gladly give you any crew, but I am a firm believer in freedom of conscience. If you don't want to be involved in the Maquis quarrel, I respect that. I also promise you that I will personally see to it that Captain Brentwell is not given Chakotay's crew. There is no need for you to take the mantle upon yourself."

"Thank you, Sir," Kathryn said. "But I've made up my mind."

"Right now you have, but take some time to think things over. I have dozens of crews and no where near enough captains. Chakotay's crew can wait in line. Report back to me tomorrow morning. If you still feel the same, then I'll gladly welcome you onboard. If not, we'll part amicably."

"Very well, Sir," Kathryn said. "Thank you."

The Admiral put his hand on her shoulder. "Thank you, Captain." He then gave a wan smile. "Your father would be very proud."

At these words, tears stung Kathryn's eyes, but she suppressed them.

"See you tomorrow," he went on. "Good day, Captain."

Kathryn gave a nod. "Good day, Sir."

Then, without another word, she left.

* * *

><p>Alone in her lounge, sitting in her armchair, Kathryn fingered the pot Chakotay had made. It had moved with her from San Francisco, as had her own, and was still serving as a decorative bookend. That magical day they had spent together was still a day she cherished, and his magnificent lodge was still a place she visited in her dreams. For so long she had wished the ending to their story had been different, and even now she wished she could rewrite it. But even if they could, even if she had said yes, even if her saying yes had somehow prevented him being at the time and place of the explosion that had so severely injured him, there would have been no avoiding the horrendous fate of his homeworld. The golden life she had pictured for them, a life of beach walks, forest rides, mountain hikes, and dimple cheeked children, would have been blackened by this tragedy.<p>

Tragedy and pain.

It hurt like hell to think how much Chakotay was hurting. It hurt to think that the fates, always so cruel to her, had been crueler to him. Why? What had he ever done to deserve such torment? He was a good, kind, gentle man who deserved to be happy. But instead his life was shattered. Never again would he be the man she had known. He could not possibly be. Like anyone who had been touched by the cold hands of Tragedy, he would never be the same.

Suddenly, the computer spoke. "Incoming transport request, Holly Pemberton."

Kathryn wiped away a tear, put down the pot, and responded. "Accept."

Seconds later, Holly materialized.

"Hi," she smiled. "Welcome home...Captain."

Kathryn got to her feet and hugged her friend. "Hi to you."

"So," Holly said as they parted, "tell me all about it. How was your ship? I hope you got pictures."

"I did," Kathryn replied. "And the ship was great."

"Just great? Your own brand new intrepid class starship and she's just great?"

"Ok, awesome, but...but I'm kind of distracted right now."

"I see," Holly said in concern. "Must be one hell of a distraction. What's happened?"

"Well," Kathryn replied, sitting down, "first me and Mark have split, and second...it looks like my first mission is going to be a far cry from what I imagined."

Holly sat in the chair opposite. "What do you mean you and Mark have split? Only yesterday he was so excited because you were coming home. What happened? Did you get into a fight over Mollie?"

"No," Kathryn answered. "We just...we just realized that we want different things."

"How so? You want a family, he wants a family. What's so different about that?"

"It's complicated, Holly. He doesn't like it that I'm away so much, and I...I've just been made a captain. For the next few years I will be away a lot. There's no middle ground."

"But surely you can work something out. Your goal is to make it to the admiralty eventually so the separations will only be until then. What's a few years in a lifetime?"

"Too long for us," Kathryn replied. "But it isn't just that. We're just...we're not working. We should never have been more than friends."

"I disagree. I think it was working great. Just talk to him, Kath. You can sort this out. I know you love each other."

"We do, but...but sometimes love isn't enough."

"If it isn't then I don't know what is."

"You do," Kathryn said, getting to her feet and wandering over to the window. "It's that special magic that binds two people and makes them spellbound. Me and Mark...I don't think we have it."

And that was the truth. As much as she loved him, as much as she wanted to be in love with him, deep down inside she knew she was not. She was in love with being in love and that was different. It was different to how she had felt for Justin, and it was different to the spark she had felt between her and Chakotay. Perhaps Neal wasn't the only reason she was holding back. Perhaps she was holding back because, deep inside, she knew he didn't totally have her heart. He had a part of it, a large part, but not all.

Holly got up and joined her at the window. "Are you saying there's still no chemistry, Kath? I thought there was. There seemed to be."

"Sometimes there is," Kathryn answered. "But...but the truth is I don't feel for him what I felt for Justin."

Holly put her hand on Kathryn's shoulder. "I don't think you'll ever feel for any man what you felt for Justin. Or rather what you think you felt. When someone dies like that, our minds build them up into some kind of superhero. You compare every man to Justin, but the Justin you're remembering is the idealized Justin you want to remember. No man can ever compare to an ideal."

"Maybe you're right," Kathryn said. "Maybe I have idealized him. But I have felt that magic with someone else. Just not...just not with Mark. Sometimes I've thought it's there, sometimes maybe it has been, but I don't think it is. I think I'm in love with him because I want to be in love with him. I think I've persuaded myself that I am."

"I don't think it works that way, Kath. If anything, I think you've persuaded yourself that you're not in love with him, and I think you've done that because you don't want to be. You don't want to be in love with him because that makes you vulnerable, vulnerable to being hurt."

"Maybe," Kathryn said. "I just...I don't know anymore."

"As to the magic," Holly went on, "no one feels it all the time. Sometimes I'm so mad with Ben that I feel like I hate him. But then we make up and the magic comes back. That's just how it is. That's real life. Don't throw away what you have with Mark because of an ideal that doesn't exist."

"Even if you're right, Holly, and I am in love with him, it's for the best that we're over. And, right now, I have bigger problems."

"Your first mission?"

Kathryn nodded.

"What is it?"

"I've volunteered to capture a Maquis crew."

At this, Holly's eyes widened in alarm. "What? Are you crazy?"

"If I don't," Kathryn said, turning to her friend, "then I can't trust that who ever does won't use unnecessary violence."

"That's not your problem! You're an explorer, Kath! You want to captain exploration missions! The Maquis is warfare!"

"We're Starfleet officers, Holly. That makes us warriors as well as explorers."

"But why put your life on the line for a cause you don't believe in? I don't get it! What's so special about this crew?"

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes. "Because it's Chakotay's."

Holly flinched. "The guy at the bar...the psychic?"

Kathryn nodded. "His homeworld was destroyed by the Cardassians three years ago and his entire family killed. He left Starfleet to avenge their deaths and later joined The Maquis."

"Oh God," Holly said. "That's terrible. Poor guy."

"I can't let him suffer more. I can't risk that some anti-Maquis militant, who cares nothing for Federation principles, will either kill him or torture him for information."

"But captains like that are few and far between, Kath. As awful as what has happened is, you owe this guy nothing. Stay out of what doesn't concern you."

"But I do, Holly, owe him. He helped me once and...and I should return the favor."

"By putting him in prison?"

"Better a prison sentence than a death sentence."

"He might not see it that way. If you capture him, he'll see it as a betrayal."

"Maybe, probably, but every instinct tells me I have to do this."

"And every instinct tells me you shouldn't. Think about it, Kath. If you do this, you'll be making him your enemy. If you've had dealings with him that I don't know about then...then he could use them against you. If you've slept with him, then he definitely can."

"I haven't," Kathryn said, "slept with him. We spent some time together once but it was very brief." She paused as her mind wandered. "He had a lodge in the mountains, a magnificent place, I...I wonder what became of it."

"What matters is what becomes of you. Don't do this, Kath. Don't mix the personal and the professional. Whatever you think you owe this guy, don't repay him this way. He really won't thank you for it."

"I doubt he will even remember me. He suffered a head injury not long after our acquaintance and lost two years of his life. Even if he's had those memories back, I looked different then. My hair was black...I think it was the first time we met too...and I was younger."

"But your voice is very distinctive, Kath. If he doesn't remember you by sight, he might remember you by voice. It's a big risk."

"But one I'm willing to take."

Tears filled Holly's eyes. "I really don't want you to do this, Kath. I have such a bad feeling about it. Please, don't."

"I have to, Holly. If I don't, and he dies, I'll never forgive myself."

"But what if you do it and he dies anyway? He won't surrender easily. You might be forced to fight to the death. Could you do that? Could you kill him?"

"If comes to that extremity, as a Starfleet captain I'll do whatever I have to do to save the lives of my crew. But if it does come to that, I'll know that I did everything possible to save him. I can't do more for him than to try."

"But warfare, Kath, it isn't you."

Kathryn turned back to the window. "I know, Holly. But it's not like I'm a novice at it. I have blood on my hands. We all do."

Holly put her hand on Kathryn's shoulder. "Just think about this some more, Kath. I know your intentions are good, and you want to help this guy, but sometimes the best help is to not get involved."

"But I am involved, Holly. He and me...we've always been involved. The psychic was right. There is a connection between us. Some kind of invisible thread running through the fabric of space and time that binds us. Somehow, someway, he's always in my life."

"Just coincidence, Kath. Life is full of them."

"Maybe. Or maybe forces greater than ourselves do shape our lives. The future, the present, the past, they're all one. We say we have instincts, but maybe they're something more. Maybe they're subconscious knowledge of a future we've already lived. Those out of time existences we forget, maybe we don't completely. Maybe echoes remain. Maybe that's what deja vu is."

"Or maybe we just try to make sense of things that have no sense. I've always been a believer in psychics, that there are people with abilities that science doesn't yet understand, but that doesn't mean they are all genuine. Or, if they are, they correctly interpret what they see. She was wrong about him being the one. He never will be. Certainly not if you capture him."

"I know," Kathryn replied. "I know he will hate me."

"So don't do it. If you care for him, and I'm sensing you do, don't do it. Don't destroy his life. Stay out of it."

"Maybe you're right," Kathryn said quietly. "Maybe I shouldn't do it." She paused. "Admiral Horton has given me time to think about it and maybe I should."

"Definitely, Kath."

"Then I will," she resolved. "I'll think about it."

"Good," Holly smiled. "Now, get me a coffee and we'll look through those pictures of your ship."

Kathryn nodded. "Yes, Ma'am."

* * *

><p>A ruin.<p>

The lodge was a ruin.

A burnt out shell.

Standing on a barren cliff edge, the ocean raging below, Kathryn looked at the charred remains with tears in her eyes. So it was true. The lodge, that magnificent house of dreams, really had been torched.

Torched by Chakotay.

Torched by the man who had put his heart and soul into the place.

Torched like his heart and soul at the news of his family's fate.

A ruin.

A ruin like the man. A man emblazoned and gutted by grief.

The pain.

How raw it must have been. How ferocious.

How cruel the Mistress of Fortune.

Tearfully, Kathryn walked towards the black rubble of the verandah. Here, that beautiful summer's day, she and Chakotay had feasted on pancakes, sandwiches and strawberries. Here they had decided to take a walk to the beach and a ride through the forest. Here they had kissed goodbye. Now there was nothing left. Nothing but memories. Standing amongst the fallen boulders, Kathryn looked out at the sea. It was gray and angry. As angry as her soul at the injustice. Chakotay had not deserved this. Had not deserved this pain.

And now...

And now his future was in her hands.

Whatever decision she made would change both their lives forever. If she walked away, if she let some other captain capture him, could she live with herself if that resulted in his torture or death? But if she didn't walk away, if she was the one to capture him, could she live with herself for putting him in jail? Death, torture, prison. Not much of a choice.

But prison would not be forever. At least then he would be alive. At least then he would have a future.

A future, if he wanted it. Maybe, like she had so many times, he wished he was dead. Wished he wasn't the survivor. Surviving wasn't always better than dying. But the pain of grief did ease. With time, the throbbing eased into an ache. Perhaps one day he would be glad to be alive again, just as she was most days. Not all days, but most. And one of the first had been that magical day at this lodge.

Life.

Life was always worth holding onto. Even in the blackness, even in the darkness, it was worth holding out for the light.

Life.

In so many ways Chakotay had saved hers. By taking her home with him, by reminding her how wonderful life could be, he had given her hope. Hope and a dream. A dream to remember when nights were cold, dark and lonely. A dream she remembered still and would forever. In her time of darkness, he had been her light. Now she had to be his beacon. He would not remember her, of that she felt sure. To him she would just be a Starfleet captain. Another Starfleet captain sent to capture a Maquis crew. But she would know she had done everything in her power to help him. Captain Adam Brentwell was not the only Starfleet captain to bear a grudge against the Maquis. Not the only one who would destroy rather than seize. It was too great a risk. It was a risk she could not take. This time she could not walk away.

Turning again towards the lodge, the shell of a home and a life, Kathryn made up her mind. Made it and would not change it. Come what may, for better or for worse, she would do it. She would attempt the capture of Chakotay and his crew.

END OF CHAPTER THIRTEEN


	14. Chapter 14

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN**

SIX WEEKS LATER

"I really don't know what I'm going to do with her," Kathryn said to Holly as they talked over coffee in her lounge. "Phoebe can't have her as she's going on vacation, Mom can't have her as she's too much of a handful, Aunt Martha can't have her because she's too old, and you can't have her because of Jasper. I guess it'll have to be the kennels."

Holly, who still didn't approve of Kathryn's mission but had now come to accept it, dunked a chocolate cookie into her coffee. "You could always ask Mark."

Kathryn sighed. "There you go again."

"Go again what?"

"Trying to get us back together."

Holly put down her coffee. "Oh, but you belong together. Admit it, Kath, you're miserable without him."

"I...I suppose I do miss him," Kathryn confessed.

"Then do something about it. Go talk to him. You know you want to."

"I...I don't know, Holly. Sometimes things are great between us, but other times...I'm afraid I'm settling for second best and that's...it isn't fair to Mark."

"What isn't fair to him is breaking his heart for nothing. And it's broken, Kath. He's totally devastated."

"Really?"

"Utterly. He's crazy about you and wants you back. Just give him another chance. Give yourself another chance."

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes. "But things are complicated, Holl. I'm complicated. It's strange. The officer in me is so disciplined, focussed, tough, a parallel line, but the woman...she's a maze of zigzags. I wish...I wish she was as strong."

"She can be, Kath. You've just got to take down her shields and let her fight for herself. You never do. You never let down those shields. They make the officer tough, because an officer needs them, needs to keep everyone at a distance and have tunnel vision, but the woman...she needs to let people in. You never do. Not since Justin and not before. And that's why I think his death was all the harder for you. He was the first person you let in, the first one you really trusted, but by letting him in your heart was broken. You've kept everyone at a distance since. If it was hard for you to trust before, it's almost impossible now. But not quite, Kath. It's not quite impossible. You can do it. Just try to open your heart and let Mark in. You've only ever opened the door halfway for him and that leaves him with one foot in and one foot out. That's no place to be. But you can do it, Kath. You can open that door."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "But it's harder than you think, Holly. It's not just Justin. It's...it's something else. Something that happened a long time ago but it...it still haunts me."

Never had she spoken to Holly about that night, but if she was ever to be free of it, she had to tell someone. And she wanted to be free. Finally, she wanted to face up to the ghosts of the past and exorcise them. She was tired of running away from what she was running to.

"What?" Holly asked in concern. "What happened?"

But just as Kathryn was about to speak, the door chime played. Clumsily, Kathryn wiped away her tear.

"Computer, who's there?"

The computer answered. "Mark Johnson."

"You can speak to him later," Holly said. "Right now I think we need to keep talking."

"No," Kathryn replied, getting to her feet. "I think I should speak to him now. You're right. I do keep a lock on my heart and it's time that I opened it. Mark and me...maybe we are meant to be, maybe he is the one. We'll never know unless we give each other our all."

Holly stood too. "Then I'll leave you to talk. But it might help, Kath, if you both get some counseling. Always you try to handle things by yourself and sometimes...sometimes we can't. Sometimes we even make things worse. You know what they say about pent up bottles."

Kathryn nodded. "I will, Holl. I'll get some counseling. As soon as I'm back, as soon as this mission is over, I'll sort my life out."

Holly gently laid her hand on Kathryn's arm. "I'm glad to hear it, Kath. But you've done really well, have really turned your life around, and I'm proud of you. Just don't take a step back. Keep walking forward." Holly squeezed Kathryn's arm. "Now, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye, Kath."

"Bye," Kathryn answered.

Holly then requested a beam out and in seconds was gone.

"Computer," Kathryn said. "Let Mark in."

"Mark Johnson has left," the computer informed her.

Left.

Then, before her courage failed, she would have to go after him.

* * *

><p>"Kathryn," Mark said in surprise when he opened his door five minutes later to find Kathryn on the doorstep. "I...I thought you weren't in."<p>

Mark's face was pale, his eyes wet and circled with dark shadows, and Kathryn's heart went out to him. He didn't deserve this limbo she had put him in. Didn't deserve the pain she had caused. All he had ever done was love her. And she loved him. Of that, she had never doubted. It was just the rest, the physical, the sexual. Of that, she had always been confused. But no more. She knew now that she was in love with him. Holly was right. She had just persuaded herself that she wasn't because it was easier. For so long she had run away from matters of the heart, had escaped into realms of fantasy and memory as they were better than reality. There she could control what was happening. There she could relive those times with Justin in a safe place. There she could walk with Chakotay along a beach and not be hurt. But Justin and Chakotay were loves of the past. Justin was dead and Chakotay would forevermore be an enemy. Mark was the future. And for Mark, just as she had been willing to for Justin and Chakotay, she would face up to her fears and defeat them.

"I was in," she answered. "I was just with Holly and..." She paused. "We need to talk."

Mark stepped aside. "Please, come in."

Kathryn stepped into his lounge, his impressive lounge of wine walls and exotic rugs, and then turned to face him. "I would like to apologize, Mark. That night I...I was out of line. I shouldn't have ended things between us and I shouldn't have run off."

A light filled Mark's tortured eyes. "Are you saying...?"

Kathryn nodded. "I'd like us to give things another go."

At this, Mark scooped her into his arms. "Oh, Kath..."

Kathryn hugged him back, but then drew away. "But there are things we need to discuss, Mark. Things you need to know. But now isn't the time. I've got a million and one things to do before I leave tomorrow and...and I'd like to get this mission out of the way first."

Mark looked at her sadly. "There's always a mission, Kath. Always something."

"I know. But this mission it's... it's a biggie. And it hasn't quite gone to plan. Chakotay and his crew have gone missing and Tuvok with them. My head's not in the right place to deal with what has to be dealt with. But when I get back, when it's all over and Chakotay is in custody, the time will be right then. I'll take some time off and we can take a vacation. I think that would be good for us."

At this, Mark smiled. "I think so too." He then sobered. "And I understand about this mission. Holly's kept me updated. I know you're really worried about Tuvok."

"I am. My fear is..." that Chakotay's ship has been destroyed and everyone on board with it. But she could not bring herself to say it. "Well, I'd rather not go there. I have to believe that we can find them."

"And you will, Kath. If they can be found, you'll find them."

Their eyes locked and then Mark gently brushed his fingers against her cheek. "I've missed you."

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes. "I've missed you."

"And I'd like to say I'm sorry too. If anyone was out of line, it was me."

"No, Mark. You just wanted what everyone in love wants. And I do too. I want us to be that close. I just..."

Mark finished her sentence. "You're scared."

Kathryn nodded. "But I do love you."

"I don't doubt that," he said. "We've loved each other all our lives. But sometimes I...sometimes I wonder if you're really in love with me."

"I am," Kathryn replied. "And when I get back, I'll prove that, ok?"

Mark took her hand in his and kissed it. "I don't need proof, Kath. I just need to feel it. I just need to feel that I'm attractive to you."

Kathryn wrapped her arms around his neck. "You are, Mark. Of course you are. I love your big gray eyes, your handsome lips and quirky nose. And I love it that your hair's as stubborn as mine."

Mark laughed.

"From now on," Kathryn declared, "things are going to be different. We've both lived with my past for too long."

Mark looked deep into her eyes. "This really is a new beginning, isn't it?"

Kathryn nodded. "And one I can't wait for."

"Nor I," he smiled. "I love you, Kath."

"I love you too."

Slowly, gently, their lips drew together and they kissed tenderly.

* * *

><p>"My poor baby," Kathryn grieved as she said a final farewell to Mollie, Mark, and her mother the next afternoon. "I really don't want her to go to a kennel. It breaks my heart."<p>

"She'll be fine," Mark answered. "It'll do her the world of good. She's far too spoiled."

Kathryn tickled the dog's ear. "Not spoiled enough. Oh, the poor thing. She'll think I've abandoned her. If only Phoebe's vacation was next month."

Gretchen spoke. "She's not Phoebe's responsibility, darling. She's yours."

"I know that, Mom. I'm just saying." She turned to Mark. "Can't you take her, Mark?"

"And end up with six mucky pups? I don't think so."

Kathryn frowned. "Six?"

"I'm sure she's pregnant."

Kathryn laughed. "Pregnant? Oh Mark, don't be ridiculous. How can she be pregnant?"

"That's for her to know, but I'm telling you she is. Our dogs had so many puppies when I was growing up that I know a pregnant dog when I see one. That's why I hate dogs. There was poo and pee everywhere. I don't know how many homeworks I had to redo, as no teacher would buy it that my dog had literally pooed on it."

"Oh, poor you," Kathryn laughed. "But there's no way Mollie's having pups. There would have to be gentlemen callers and she's had none."

"But she did escape at Phoebe's a couple of weeks ago," Gretchen said. "It was two hours before we found her. That's plenty of time for a stud or two."

"Plenty of time," Mark smiled.

"Be that as it may," Kathryn said, "I'm sure she's not pregnant. But, if she is, that's all the more reason for her not to go to a kennel." She wrapped her arms around Mark's neck. "Please, honey. If not for her, for me."

"Even if I wanted to," he replied, "I'm busy for the next few days. I've got meetings and lectures to attend."

Kathryn then turned to her mother. "Then you, Mom. I know she's a handful, but you can manage her for three weeks. Please, Mom."

"I'll tell you what," Gretchen said. "I'll take her for a couple of days and see if I can find someone to look after her. There are a few people I can try. Cousin Wendy for one. Only if no one does will I send her to the kennels."

"Ok," Kathryn replied. "I guess that will have to do. Thanks, Mom."

"Well, I'd hate for you to worry about her. This mission is going to need your full attention. Speaking of which, I'll be on my way and leave you two lovebirds to say goodbye."

"Ok, Mom. I'll call you from Voyager."

"You'd better." Tears then welled in the old woman's eyes. "Be careful, Katie. The badlands it's...be careful."

"I will," Kathryn said, drawing her mother close. "And don't worry. I'll be fine."

"I'm your mother," she answered tearfully, "of course I worry." She then drew away. "Just come back to us."

"I will. In a few weeks, I'll be home."

Gretchen nodded and then put her hand to Kathryn's cheek. "Goodbye, darling."

"Goodbye, Mom."

Gretchen then drew away and turned to Mollie. "Come on, old girl. You're coming with me."

Kathryn ruffled Mollie's fur and kissed her head. "See you in a few weeks, Moll. Be a good girl."

The dog, who always sensed the long goodbye, looked at her sadly.

"And don't pine while I'm gone. Mom and Mark will take good care of you."

Mark spoke. "Definitely not me."

Kathryn looked up at him with a smile. "We'll see." She then turned to her mother. "But I'd like Mollie looked at, Mom, just incase she's pregnant."

"Then I'll see to it. Goodbye, Katie. All the best."

Kathryn gave her mother one final hug. "Thanks, Mom. Goodbye."

Gretchen then requested a beam out and she and Mollie disappeared. When they were gone, Mark took Kathryn's hands in his.

"This is always the hardest part," he said. "Saying goodbye."

Kathryn nodded. "But it's a short one, Mark. I'll be back before you know it."

"I know. But I'm going to miss you every moment."

"Me too."

"I'm glad we...I'm glad we're back on track. I don't ever want to live without you."

Kathryn squeezed his hands. "You won't ever have to."

They gazed into each other's eyes, then Kathryn hugged him.

"Let's make this brief. No sense in the torture."

"Agreed."

"I'll call you from Voyager too," she said as she drew away, "every day until we leave."

"I hope so, or I'll be calling you. " He then smiled, eyes moist. "Bye, Kath."

"Bye," she replied.

They looked at each other one last time, kissed, and then Mark left.

Alone, Kathryn picked up her bag, cast a glance around the room, and then transported to Starfleet Headquarters.

* * *

><p>THREE DAYS LATER<p>

"I said black, Ensign," Kathryn told Lori Parks as the brown haired girl handed her a milky coffee. "Black, no sugar."

"Oh, Captain," the girl cried, her face reddening the color of tomatoes. "I'm so sorry. I...I'll get you another one."

"No need," Kathryn replied. "This will suffice. But in the future, pay full attention to my words. Especially when I'm talking about coffee."

"Yes, Captain. But are you sure you don't want another? It's no trouble, I..."

"Attention, Ensign. I said this will suffice."

The girl gave a submissive nod. "Yes, Captain. Sorry, Captain."

A bleep blared. "Incoming transmission. Mark Johnson."

"That'll be all, Ensign," Kathryn declared. "Dismissed."

The girl nodded and turned to leave. But, in her haste, she knocked a pile of items off Kathryn's desk.

"Oh, Captain," she cried, stooping to pick them up. "I...I'm so sorry..."

"Just put them back on the desk, Ensign," Kathryn said, manually accepting Mark's call.

"I will, Captain. I mean, I am." Quickly, she placed the items onto the desk. Amongst them was a book, a book that had opened clumsily on the floor, and she straightened out the pages before closing it. "Oh, Dante's Inferno," she exclaimed. "Oh, I love that book. I mean, this book."

"So do I," Kathryn answered, "as my fiancé gave it to me." She held out her hand. "So let me have it incase you do further damage."

The girl handed it over. "Yes, Captain. I'm so sorry, Captain. But I didn't know you were engaged. I mean are engaged. Congratulations, Captain. That's such wonderful news."

Another bleep sounded then First Officer Cavit spoke. "Captain, we're ready for departure. All we need is your approval of the system status reports."

"I'll get right on to it," Kathryn replied. "Janeway out."

As the connection terminated, she looked up at Lori Parks, who was still standing beside her desk.

"Dismissed, Ensign."

Lori nodded. "Yes, Captain. I...Yes, Captain."

As the dizzy girl left, Kathryn took a sip of coffee and then switched on her computer. As the screen lit up, Mark's face appeared.

"At last," he smiled. "Hi, Kath."

"Hi," she replied. "Sorry I haven't called today. I've been up to my eyeballs."

Mark studied the drink in her hands curiously. "Is that a latte you're drinking?"

"Yes," Kathryn said, picking up her computer and taking it over to the sitting area, "courtesy of an ensign with her head in the clouds."

"Don't you mean the stars?"

Kathryn put the computer down on her table and then sat. "You got me."

"I've spoken to your mother but she still doesn't have anyone for Mollie."

Kathryn picked up a padd, containing the system status reports, and looked through it. "Really? No one?"

"Your cousin Wendy's away and everyone else is busy."

The door chime suddenly played.

"Excuse me," Kathryn said. "Duty calls. I'll be right back."

With that, she got to her feet and walked towards the door.

"Come in!"

Ensign Vorik came in. "A final report from engineering, Captain."

Kathryn took the offered padd. "Thank you, Ensign."

The Vulcan nodded and then left.

"Ok, Mark," Kathryn said, activating the padd and skimming through it. "We're alone again."

"Good, because I have news."

"News? Good or bad?"

"That depends on your perspective. The doctor called."

"And?"

"And I was right."

Kathryn sat down. "She's pregnant?"

"The puppies are due in seven weeks."

"Oh, Mark. You've got to take her home with you."

"With me?" he teased. "I just got the rugs cleaned."

"She's with child. I can't leave her in a kennel while I'm..."

"Is this another love me, love my dog demand?"

"Yes."

"How could I ever refuse you?"

Kathryn smiled and put down the padd. "Thanks, honey."

"So, when are you leaving?"

Kathryn picked up another padd. "As soon as I approve these systems status reports."

"All right. Then I won't bother you anymore."

At this, Kathryn knelt on the floor before her computer. "Hey. You never bother me...except the way I love to be bothered. Understand?"

"I'll remember that."

"See you in a few weeks. Oh, Mark, go by my house and pick up the doggie bed. She'll be more comfortable."

"I already did. An hour ago."

Kathryn smiled, gazed into his eyes, and then blew him a goodbye kiss.

END OF CHAPTER FOURTEEN


	15. Chapter 15

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN**

The Delta Quadrant.

In her ready room, before a window of unknown stars in an unknown part of the galaxy, Kathryn waited for two security officers to escort in Chakotay. She had done it. The great Maquis warrior was now in her custody. But never in a million light years had she imagined this would be the way. A battle or two, she had thought, a disabling of his ship and a transporting of his crew. Not an abduction to the other side of the galaxy, a mutual struggle to find lost crewmembers, and a joint effort against the Kazon. Not a destruction of their only way home and a stranding so far away from Federation space.

A voyage to the stars.

That is what the psychic had said. Again she had been right. Right about everything except him being the one. He never would be, he never could be. Her heart belonged to Mark. Her heart was pledged to Mark. Even though it had danced when Chakotay's eyes had met hers when he first arrived on the bridge, it belonged to Mark. He would be waiting for her at home, devastated that Voyager was lost, and she would be faithful to his love and to his grief.

Faithful, but Chakotay was the magic that mesmerized her. He had from the start, perhaps he would to the end. She could only hope not. Their situation was complicated enough. Alone on a single ship in the vastness of hostile space, their enemy crews, Starfleet and Maquis, were going to have to make a truce to survive. A pact that would bind them. A deal that would benefit them both. With so many crewmembers dead, and so many dangers to face, they needed each other. But before the two crews could come to accord, their captains had to. That meant a one to one deal. A one to one encounter with Chakotay. If he was willing to merge his crew with hers, she would make him her First Officer. Tuvok did not like the idea, in fact he had cautioned against it, but she felt sure that Chakotay could be trusted and it seemed the only way forward. Chakotay would not accept a menial position on the ship, a position that would degrade him in the eyes of her crew and his own, and all considerations of their circumstance aside, Chakotay was the most qualified officer on board to fill the position. He had served as a Second Officer twice and, before his resignation from Starfleet, had been on the verge of captaincy. First Officer was the only position she could offer without insult.

Chakotay.

He had not remembered her. Just as she'd anticipated, they had met as strangers. Enemies and strangers. For a second on the bridge, when he'd looked into her eyes, she had thought she'd seen recognition there, but it was gone as quickly as it had come. Maybe, in that second, he had sensed a familiarity. The doctor had said he might. But he did not know her. Did not remember that special day of so long ago. She could only hope he never would. That broken woman he had taken home and sheltered was a far cry from the iron captain she now was. Never did she want him to remember that woman and know it was her.

Suddenly, the door chime played.

Steeling herself, Kathryn took a deep breath and then turned towards the door. As she did, the double door slid open and Chakotay was escorted in. His hands were tied behind his back and on his face was a thunderstorm.

"Thank you, gentlemen," Kathryn said. "Dismissed."

The two male officers looked at each other uncomfortably and made no headway towards the door.

"I said dismissed," Kathryn declared.

At this, the two men reluctantly left.

"Well, Commander," Kathryn said when they were gone, "it looks like you and I have ourselves quite a situation."

"It seems we do," he retorted. "But I'm warning you, Captain. If you don't treat my people with the respect they deserve, you'll soon find our situation is a lot worse."

Kathryn stepped closer. "Is that a threat, Commander?"

"You bet it is."

"Then let me make it quite clear to you right now that I won't be threatened and I won't be bullied!"

Chakotay suddenly, and unexpectedly, snapped free his hands. "And I won't be restrained, Captain! I'm not your prisoner!"

"I hate to break it to you, Commander, but you are. Your ship is destroyed and you're in my custody. You and every member of your crew. But I'm a reasonable woman. I'm willing to negotiate."

Chakotay scoffed. "Negotiate? Negotiate what? Whether we spend the next seventy-five years confined to the cargo bay or scrubbing conduits?"

"I'm not having your crew loaf around in the cargo bay while mine works their butts off to get us back home. They're going to have to pull their weight. Every single one of them. And that includes you."

"If you think we're going to spend the next seventy-five years as this ship's cleaners, you're very much mistaken."

"This ship has cleaners enough, Commander. They're called crewmen. What I'm proposing is..."

"Unacceptable," he interrupted. "We'll settle for nothing less than our freedom and a fleet of shuttles."

"So what? You can go your way and we can go ours?"

"Yes. With a little luck, we'll soon get out hands on a starship."

"This one?"

"No," he answered. "We'll leave you alone. We're warriors of honor."

"Even if I believe that, and I'm inclined to, I'm sure you'll find my proposal, if you'll only listen, better."

"I don't think so. And every minute we spend..."

Kathryn interrupted. "What I'm proposing is the merger of our crews."

Chakotay flinched, then laughed. "A merger? Are you serious?"

"Yes. Your crew, my crew, one crew. A Starfleet crew. And, to show you how serious I am, I'm offering you the position of First Officer."

"Me? Your First Officer? You expect me to believe that?"

"Yes. I don't play games, Commander. You're qualified and, right now, are the most qualified person onboard. Like it or not, our two crews are stranded together on this ship, and the only logical thing for us to do is work together. You won't survive five minutes out there in shuttles, and I don't have those shuttles to spare."

"My crew will never become a Starfleet crew! Some would rather die! I'm willing to consider your offer, but if we become one crew, we become an independent crew. Not Starfleet, not Maquis!"

"I'm sorry," Kathryn said, "but that's out of the question. I'm a Starfleet captain of a Starfleet crew on a Starfleet ship. That's how it's going to stay."

"Then my first demand stays! Our freedom and a fleet of shuttles. If you're short in supply, build some. We'd rather take our chances out there than be part of an order that betrayed us!"

"You were a Starfleet officer once, Chakotay. You can be again. I don't believe the Maquis has beaten that officer out of you yet. Just think about this rationally. We need each other. We need each other to survive."

"So let's become an independent crew!"

"And be guided by what? Every man's opinion? Every woman's instinct? There would be chaos and catastrophe in no time! We need the rules and regulations of Starfleet. We need their ideals and principles. We're too small to go it alone. We need the structure and vision of Starfleet. Only then do we have a hope."

"I can't ask my crew to become a Starfleet crew."

"You can. They respect you, they trust you. If you tell them it's the only way forward, they'll accept it. Before you left Starfleet, you were on the verge of being made captain. You know as well as I do that being in command demands a certain rhetoric. With the right phrase and spin you can convince your crew of almost anything. It won't be easy for me either, Commander. If some of your crew resent Starfleet, some of mine resent the Maquis."

"And if we say no? If we refuse to play ball?"

"You'll have the rest of your lives to play it on an m-class planet. I simply don't have the resources to soak sponges and I'm not supplying you with shuttles so you can play at space bandits. I'm making you a good offer. Not every captain would."

"No," he conceded. "No, they wouldn't. But do you really expect me to believe that you'd make me, the man you were hell bent on capturing, your second in command?"

"Alpha Quadrant politics belong in the Alpha Quadrant."

"Politics?" he cried. "Is that what we Maquis are to you? Politics? We lost our families, Captain! Our homeworlds were abandoned and palmed off to destruction! And you call it politics?" He seized Kathryn by the arms. "How, Captain? How can you sleep at night? How can you justify capturing us when all we were doing was fighting for the freedom of our people?"

Chakotay's grip was strong, bruising, crushing, and Kathryn felt suffocated. "Let me go, Commander!"

"Not until you answer me! How, Captain? How?"

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes. "Commander...you're hurting me!"

At this, Chakotay instantly released her. As he did, Kathryn took a breathless step back and edged her tingling fingers towards her phaser. This man was so different to the Chakotay she had known. So different to the calm and gentle man that had captured her heart. This Chakotay had such a rage inside. The bitter rage of grief.

"I'm sorry," he said sincerely. "But tell me how, Captain. If you want me to even consider your offer, tell me how you could bring yourself to throw us all in jail. Have you no heart? No compassion?"

Kathryn's fingers rested on her phaser, but did not draw. "Things are not always black and white, Commander."

"Aren't they? They sure as hell look striped to me! So tell me why, Captain. Tell me how."

"Alright. I'll lay it on the line. If I hadn't of come looking for you, someone else would have, someone who would have destroyed you if he'd found you. Do I think your cause was just? Hell yes. Could I live with myself if I'd let some anti-Maquis militant kill you or torture you? Hell no. As I said, things are not always black and white."

"So, what are you saying? Yours was some kind of mission of mercy?"

"That's one way of putting it. Jail isn't forever, Commander. Death is."

"You could have left us to fight our own battle."

"Yes, I could have. And if I had, we wouldn't all be in this situation now. But we are in this situation, Commander, and we have to find a way forward. Think about my proposal. It's the best solution...for both of us."

"What makes you think you can trust me? You don't know me. How do you know I won't lead a mutiny?"

"I don't know. But I know that you're a man of principle and honor because I've been told so. You are highly respected in many high places. If you give me your word that you will serve me and this crew loyally then I accept your word."

"I would expect all the rights and privileges of a First Officer."

"I'm not offering anything less."

"And I would expect all members of my crew to be assigned according to their ability."

"I would demand nothing less."

Chakotay considered, the reels of his mind turning, then he spoke. "Ok. We'll do it your way. We'll merge into your crew. But only for now and only until we reach the Federation. As soon as we're there we want those shuttles. We're not going to jail."

"Who says you will? We're a long way from home, Chakotay. Who knows how things will lie when we get there. By then everything could be different. You may be exonerated. More people sympathize with your cause than you know."

"Then your answer is no?"

"My answer is...let's see how things lie. The Federation is thousands of light years away. What matters is what we do right here, right now, not what we do when we reach Federation space. Let's not jump ahead of ourselves. Let's just take things one step at a time."

"I can't argue with that," Chakotay said.

"Then do I have myself a new First Officer?"

Chakotay hesitated, but then smiled. "You do."

Kathryn smiled back and extended her hand to him. "Then I look forward to serving with you."

Chakotay took her hand in his and, as their hands and eyes locked, Kathryn felt an exhilarating current flow from him to her. Chakotay could feel it too, she could sense it, and then...and then he was looking at her strangely, almost in puzzlement.

"Forgive me, Captain," he said. "But have we met before? You seem...familiar."

"Not that I recall," Kathryn lied, withdrawing her hand. "But maybe our paths have crossed."

"Maybe," he answered.

"Now, you go square things with your crew. Then get yourself into a uniform and report to the bridge. From there I'll make a ship wide announcement."

Chakotay gave a nod. "Yes, Captain."

Then he turned around and headed for the door. As he did, Kathryn called to him.

"Commander..."

Chakotay turned around.

"I really am sorry about your family."

For a moment, just a moment, tears filled his eyes. Then he gave a nod and left.

* * *

><p>A FEW DAYS LATER<p>

High in Engineering, Kathryn watched with satisfaction as B'Elanna Torres and Joseph Carey shook hands. After a battle of wills, and a battle for the position of Chief Engineer, the former foes were now comrades. The Starfleet officer and the Maquis rebel had found a way to work together, even developed a mutual respect, and the same thing was happening all over the ship. The two crews were finally beginning to feel like one.

"Are you checking up on your new chief engineer?"

The words were Chakotay's and Kathryn glanced at him briefly before answering. "Observing."

"And?"

"Two crewmembers have already filed complaints about her promotion, and she may be in for a tough period of adjustment, but I think Belanna's going to make a fine addition to this crew." She looked back up at him with a smile. "Our crew."

Chakotay smiled back and then they began to walk towards the stairs. "Can I ask you a question...off the record?"

Kathryn nodded.

"If things had happened differently, and we were on the Maquis ship now instead of Voyager, would you have served under me?"

Kathryn walked down the stairs and was a long time in answering. "One of the nice things about being captain," she finally said, turning to him with a twinkle in her eye, "is that you can keep some things to yourself."

Their eyes locked and they shared a smile. Then The Doctor spoke over the comm.

"Sickbay to Captain Janeway."

"Go ahead," she answered.

"Is someone ever going to come down here and fix my holographic projectors?"

"We're a little busy right now, Doctor, but I'll send a crew down as soon as I can."

"I would appreciate a certain expediency in the matter."

"Acknowledged, Janeway out."

As they walked on, Chakotay spoke. "Now that we're Captain and First Officer, it will help our professional relationship if we get to know each other better. I believe the standard way is dinner."

Kathryn smiled. "Is that an invitation?"

"Yes."

"Then consider yourself invited. My quarters, 19:00 hours." She cast a teasing glance at him. "I'll try not to burn dinner."

Chakotay laughed. "I'll be there."

* * *

><p>Dressed in full uniform, her hair newly bunned, Kathryn made final adjustments to the table she had set for her dinner with Chakotay. Not wanting the occasion to be too formal, she had dimmed the lights and decorated the table with candles and flowers, but then thinking that candles and flowers were too informal, she had ditched the candles and left only the flowers. Then, thinking the flowers were also a step too far, and the lights were a little too cozy, she ditched the flowers and turned up the lights. It was as Captain and First Officer they were dining. As comrades who needed to get to know each other better. It was not as friends. Not as a man and a woman as once might have been the case. This meal was strictly professional, just as their relationship had to be from now on.<p>

At exactly 19:00 hours, the door chime rang. Quickly, Kathryn put the last knife and fork in place and then turned towards the door.

"Come in!"

The doors opened and Chakotay came in. He too was in full uniform and in his hands was a silver box.

"Hi," he smiled. "Is it safe to enter?"

"Yes," Kathryn laughed. "No danger of death. I replicated dinner."

"Good to know," he said, walking towards the table that was adorned with several covered dishes, a range of condiments, and two glasses. "But is your cooking really that bad?"

"No," she joked, "it's worse. I once made a captain almost choke to death by leaving bones in a fish, and another time I burnt my roast so bad it broke an Admiral's tooth."

Chakotay laughed. "I guess, then, you didn't make it to captain on account of your culinary skills."

"No, siree. If my rank depended on them, I'd still be a crewman."

Chakotay laughed again. "So, what are we having?"

"As you're a vegetarian, I thought we'd have vegetable lasagna with salad. There's also bread, nachos, fries, and a strawberry soufflé for dessert."

"Sounds wonderful," Chakotay smiled. "I love strawberry soufflé." He held out the box he was holding. "My offering will keep for later."

Kathryn curiously took the box. "What is it?"

"A coffee and walnut cake. I replicated the ingredients but it's home baked."

"Oh, how delightful," Kathryn said, peeping inside. "My favorite." Then, remembering she had once told him so, she swallowed and looked up at him. "But how do you know I like coffee and walnut cake?"

Chakotay frowned. "To be honest, I don't know. How do you know I like strawberry soufflé?"

His puzzlement seemed to be genuine so Kathryn relaxed. "I don't know how I know either. Maybe we have met before. Maybe we've had this dinner a hundred times in an out of time experience."

"That would explain it," he said. "We're probably going to have many along the way."

"Has to be the reason." She placed the cake on the table and then gestured to a chair. "Please, sit yourself down."

Chakotay duly sat, speaking as he did. "The only Kathryn I can ever remember meeting stood me up."

"Really?" Kathryn said. "Stood you up as in a date?"

"Yes. We met at a public lecture and a psychic introduced us. She said we were a match made in the stars."

"How romantic. Too bad this Kathryn didn't show up." She then changed the subject. "What would you like to drink? Water, wine? I've replicated red and white...both synthesol, of course."

"I'll have a white wine," he replied. "Thank you."

Kathryn opened the bottle of white wine and then poured them both a glass.

"I hear you have a fiancé back home," Chakotay said. "I'm sorry. You must be feeling the separation."

Kathryn tensed. Word all over the ship, no doubt thanks to Lori Parks, was that she and Mark were engaged. Now was the perfect opportunity to put the record straight, but, in a split second, Kathryn decided not to. An engagement would be a good reason for staying single. Already there was talk of who would pair up with who and she didn't want her name thrown into the ring. If she was engaged, and totally devoted to her fiancé back home, no one would expect her to get involved with anyone. It was a better excuse than being captain. Or, if it wasn't a better, it was the perfect partner. Voyager was not the place to face up to the ghosts of the past. It was better to let them rest.

"I am," she said, putting down the bottle of wine.

"What does he do...your fiancé?"

"He's a philosopher. He teaches at a university in Maine."

Chakotay smiled. "A scientist and a philosopher. An interesting match. How did you meet?"

"I honestly don't remember," Kathryn said, sitting down. "We've known each other for years, ever since we were children."

"Childhood sweethearts?"

"No. I thought he was a nerd back then."

Chakotay laughed.

"Not that I'm anyone to talk," Kathryn went on. "If anyone was a geek, it was me. While all the other kids were outside playing, I was in my room doing math. Nothing thrilled me as much as solving a puzzle."

"Sounds lonely."

"Oh, I had lots of friends," she exaggerated, "I just enjoyed study. And not just the sciences. I loved literature too."

Chakotay smiled. "With all that effort, I bet you graduated top of your class."

"No, Josephine Jenkins did. I admire her achievement now, especially considering her homelife, but at the time I was greener than peas with envy. She was one of those annoying people who was good at everything and very good looking too. I, on the other hand, was skinny, goofy, and freckled...not to mention my stubborn ginger hair. Oh, I was a sight."

Chakotay laughed. "I'm sure you're doing yourself a disservice. And, if you didn't come first, I bet you came second."

"I did," she said. "But truly, Chakotay, I was a state. Even now my hair has a life of its own. That's why I bun it."

"Did you always want to be in Starfleet?"

"Oh, yes. I come from a long line of Starfleet Officers and Starfleet's in my blood. Or maybe I should say genes as my sister's an artist. The space gene skipped her."

"An artist, fascinating. I love crafting things and am pretty good."

"I'm sure you are. What kind of things do you make?"

"All kinds of things. Mostly from wood but I enjoy pottery too."

"And painting?"

"If by that you mean pictures," he smiled, "no. I'm not gifted that way."

"My sister is and she's an incredible artist. Her landscapes...like looking out of a window."

"Do you paint?"

"Sometimes, to relax, but I'm not very good. I definitely have a scientific mind. When it comes to art and music, I'm hopeless. My music teacher always said I'm tone deaf. I wish I did have the gift, though. I'd love to play a musical instrument. Something like the piano or violin. Maybe I could have picked it up eventually if I'd stuck with it, but I always got frustrated with things I wasn't good at." She paused. "What about you? Do you play an instrument?"

"No," he answered. "I can beat a few rhythms on a drum, but that's about it. Education in my tribe was good, my people believed in giving us a strong foundation, but the music we learnt was tribal. I never learnt to read music. Since leaving tribal life, however, I've develop a love and appreciation of the classics."

"Who's your favorite composer?" Kathryn already knew the answer, Tchaikovsky, but it seemed like a good question.

"Tchaikovsky. Then Beethoven. Not just for his music, but for his courage. For a composer to lose his hearing is...it's a cruel twist of fate." He paused. "I almost lost my hearing in an explosion a few years ago and it really saddened me that I might never hear my favorite symphonies again. I can't imagine what it was like for him."

"No," Kathryn said. "I'm inspired by him too." She remembered the doctor saying that Chakotay might never recover full hearing range and she wondered if he had. "Did you recover your hearing fully?"

"Effectively," he answered. "There are some sounds on the top and bottom of the human scale that I can't hear, but it makes no difference on a day to day basis. Everything sounds exactly like it did before."

Kathryn smiled. "I'm glad."

"Me too. But I wasn't so lucky in the memory stakes. I suffered a severe head injury in the explosion and lost two years of my life. Over the years, bits and pieces have returned to me, but not the full picture. It probably never will."

"I'm sorry."

"Well," he said, "by all accounts they were pretty uneventful years so I'm not missing much." He took a sip of wine. "Do you or your fiance have any children?"

"No," Kathryn replied. "Mark was married once, about ten years ago, but he and his wife divorced before they had kids." She smiled. "I have a dog, though. An Irish Red Setter called Mollie. I got her from a pound on Taurus Seti 4. I knew as soon as I laid eyes on her that she was the one for me. She had spunk and I like a dog with spunk." She paused. "Do you have children?"

"No," Chakotay answered.

"Never wanted any?"

"I did, I've always wanted a family, I've just never met that special someone."

"Oh, all of your dates can't have stood you up, surely."

"No," he answered. "But I've never been lucky in love."

"Well, maybe your luck will change."

At this, Chakotay had to smile. "Out here in the middle of nowhere? I don't think so."

Kathryn had to say the next words, had to know if he'd responded to grief in a similar way to her. "Well, I'm sure we'll be meeting some very interesting aliens along the way. A man can have a girl on every planet."

"I'm not that kind of guy," he declared.

Not that kind of guy. Then he hadn't changed. Despite the terrible grief that had shattered his life, in that way he hadn't changed. He was still a man of morals.

"I understand," Kathryn said. "I'm not that kind of woman."

It was true. She wasn't anymore. Those days of drunken abandonment were long behind her.

"It says on your profile," Chakotay went on, "that you're from Indiana."

"Yes," Kathryn confirmed. "From a town called Bloomington. I grew up there and still live there. Mark...my...my fiancé ...does too. Right across the street in fact."

"You weren't living together?"

Kathryn stilled, flustered, but then her sharp mind came up with an excuse. "No. We...Mark is kind of superstitious that way, especially since his divorce. He didn't want us to live together until we were married. He thought it would be bad luck. And we're both independent people, you know? We like having our own space." She paused. "What about you? Did you live on Trebus?" She hated to ask the question, hated to remind him of a much loved lodge he had destroyed, but she had to pretend ignorance.

"No," he answered. "I lived in Oregon. I had a lodge in the mountains." He took a sip of wine, clearly uncomfortable, and changed the subject. "I gather Voyager is your first command?"

"Yes," she replied, glad too of the switch in direction. "And, unless we make it home soon, will be my last."

"I think, realistically, we're looking at a long journey. Maybe not seventy-five years, but long."

Kathryn lowered her eyes. "I won't accept that. Somewhere out there is a way home and I'm determined to find it."

Chakotay looked at her sadly. While he shared her belief that they would get home, he didn't share her belief that it would be soon. Wormholes were few and far between and friendly aliens willing to share their technology were always rare. In his mind, they were looking at a journey of at least ten years. Most likely longer. But his sadness was more than just pity. For some reason, some inexplicable reason, he felt a deep tenderness towards this woman. In her he sensed a vulnerability, a vulnerability that triggered a manly instinct to protect. While he should resent her, or at least be indifferent towards her, he found that he cared about her. Cared about her on a level he didn't understand and couldn't hope to. All he knew was that he had to look out for her and do all that he could to make her life easier. As tough as she was, as determined and capable, without someone watching her back, she wouldn't last long. For the first time since the destruction of his homeworld, his life had a purpose again, a purpose beyond exacting revenge. In this woman's presence, his heart, hurting for so long, found a balm and calm that soothed away the pain. In her presence he felt alive and his soul danced. Everything about her enchanted him. Enchanted, inspired and impressed him, and he was determined to serve her loyally and be the best First Officer that he could be.

"And we will," he said kindly, "find it. But don't push yourself too hard. My people have a saying. The man who looks too hard makes himself blind."

"Sentiment appreciated," Kathryn replied. "But I have a saying too. The woman who doesn't eat starves to death." She lifted the lid off the steaming lasagna. "Shall we?"

"Yes," Chakotay laughed, "let's eat."

Kathryn smiled and then started dishing up.

END OF CHAPTER FIFTEEN


	16. Chapter 16

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER SIXTEEN**

2373

Alone in a quiet corner of the mess hall, Kathryn drank a coffee while she read through a report. Around her, breakfasting crewmembers talked in twos or threes, but apart from the occasional "good morning, Captain," they ignored her. Only the brave dared talk to the captain, and only the braver dared ask to join her. Every now and then Kathryn eavesdropped on a local conversation, and one in particular caught her attention. It was a conversation between two ensigns and it was about Chakotay.

"I so wish he'd performed last night," Emmy Jakes, a pretty girl with long black hair said. "Even if it was just to read the crew register!"

"Me too," Nicola Weston declared. "He's so hot he's steaming! But forget the talent show. You really wish he'd performed in your quarters."

"I don't deny it. Act one, striptease. Act two, my bed."

Nicola laughed.

"And you wouldn't say no, either, Nicola Weston. Fess it!"

"Say no? I'd be the one begging! But we've got no chance, girl. He's only got eyes for the Captain."

"Oh, never say never! A man's got to have his bread. The Captain won't be rising his dough, her oven's accounted for, which means he'll be looking for another. And I, for one, will bake him real good."

"Me too, sister. Bake him till we both explode. Oh, I bet he's a good baker."

"According to Seska he's a tiger between the sheets with the appetite of a lion."

"Really? She said that?"

"And much more."

"Oh tell, tell."

"Well, she said that he..."

Kathryn couldn't hear the next words as they were whispered, but whatever they were got a cheeky laugh from Nicola. "Oh my...my..."

"So, keep your oven warm, honey. A man as raw as him just begs to cooked!"

Nicola laughed, Emmy too, but the rest of their conversation Kathryn didn't hear as Tuvok was suddenly beside her.

"Good morning, Captain," he said.

Kathryn looked up from her coffee into the Vulcan's face. "Good morning," she said quietly.

"May I join you?"

Kathryn nodded, but then her eyes returned to her coffee. The overheard conversation had been harmless enough, just lighthearted talk by two young girls with a crush on their handsome First Officer, but it had hurt. Hurt because it opened up a wound, a wound that had never had the chance to heal, a wound that had festered over the years. How she longed to be like those girls, to be free of the wound, to be unblemished again. But she wasn't, she was scarred. Scarred inside, bleeding inside, hurting inside. Hurting when the wound was opened. When it was closed, when it was numb, the pain was forgotten. But it only took words to open the wound again. Words spoken, words read. Words that spoke of men's needs. Words that spoke of men's virility. Words that vocalized her fears.

And yet...

_Her needs would come first._

Those words spoken by Chakotay during their short time on New Earth had meant more than he could ever know. She had been afraid, while they were stranded there, afraid of the desire she saw in his eyes. Desire was a frenzy that could turn a man into a monster in an instant. Even now, after all these years, it was hard to trust. Hard to trust completely. Impossible to yield. To yield meant to give up control. Only when she was drunk had she been able to do it. For then, in a perverse way, she was still in control. Calling the shots by drinking the shots. Surrendering her body to men's pleasure, but numbing her mind to the horror, like a patient put to sleep for surgery. Those years had been hell. A hell that had lasted too many years. An existence that had damaged her more. If only she had made different choices. If only she'd been brave enough to face up to her problem. But she hadn't. She'd thrown herself into work, flown up the ranks of Starfleet at warp speed, and at home had masked the problem with alcohol and empty sex. Apparently she wasn't alone, promiscuity was not an uncommon reaction to rape or abuse she had once read, but she felt alone. Felt as though no one in the universe could understand her pain. To most people, frigidity was a joke. Something so far out of their comprehension that they could only laugh and mock. But to those who lived with its agony it was hell.

And yet...

And yet the yearning. The yearning for a tender lover. A man of gentle touch to kiss and caress the hurt away. To wrap her in his love and make her feel safe. The yearning to yield. To finally lower her defenses and yield, body and mind. With Justin she had tried, but the horror had penetrated, and with Mark she had been too afraid to try. Too afraid that history would repeat itself. And now...

And now Chakotay.

How much she had come to love him, she could never put into words. He lit up her life, made every day in this damn quadrant worth living. But she could not tell him. Could not tell him that she loved him. Could not give him her heart. Not only because he was her First officer, and a relationship would compromise the command structure, but because to do so would mean opening that door, that door to the room of horror where Death and Rape lurked in the dark. Death that was larger than ever in this quadrant. With so many other battles to fight, battles that took all her strength, there was none left to fight monsters in the mind. A crew was depending on her to get them home and she had to remain focussed. No one could fight a battle on two fronts.

And yet...

The cold and lonely nights when she longed to have Chakotay beside her. Longed to rest her head on his chest and feel his strong arms around her. In his embrace she surely would feel safe. Good men did exist. Men who would protect their loved ones with their last breath. Men who fought for right and used their strength to help not to harm. Men who could be trusted. Chakotay was one, every instinct told her, but still it was hard to trust him completely. She hadn't on New Earth, even though she had wanted to, even though reason told her she could, and she didn't now.

Didn't trust his desire.

_A tiger between the sheets with the appetite of a lion_.

Those words that had so amused Nicola had made her feel sick.

And yet...

_Her needs would come first_.

Chakotay would be a tender lover. The gentle and unselfish lover of her dreams. She had to believe that. And yet...

And yet it didn't matter.

Those dreams would never come true. Their lives, though interweaving at places in the fabric of space and time, were generally parallel lines. Those lives and lines would never merge into one. It was not their destiny to be together. A part of her hoped that it was, that the psychic was right, that some day there would be a time for them, that when they got home love would love the heartache away, but realism told her the time for them had passed. Once they might have been destined. In the future the psychic had seen, perhaps they were. But time was constantly changing, changing like the sands on a beach, and that future was now gone like yesterday's shore. Now their destiny was not to be lovers, not to be a family, but to parent Voyager through the Delta Quadrant. Side by side they would do it. Side by side they would get Voyager home.

"We have detected a planet in a binary system close by," Tuvok said as he sat, "that is rich in nitrogenase compounds. It might be worth our while to collect some."

"Agreed," Kathryn answered. "Assign a couple of officers. The job won't take more than two."

"I already have. You will depart in a shuttle at 10:00 hours."

Kathryn raised an amused eyebrow. "_You_ have assigned _me_?"

"It has been weeks since you last left this ship. A change of scene and some fresh air will do you good."

"Sounds like an order, Tuvok."

"It is merely an assignment. You are, of course, free to decline."

"Well," she teased, "I'm glad my rank still counts for something. Who else have you assigned?"

"Commander Chakotay."

At this, Kathryn tensed. The opened wound, though healing, was still hurting. Spending time alone with Chakotay on an alien planet was not what she needed right now. Right now she needed to work, needed a distraction. Chakotay, at the best of times, was a distraction of the wrong kind. He was so easy to be around and she felt, just as she had done that special day of so long ago, that she'd known him forever. When they were alone, their ranks just seemed to dissolve, and time flew by. In his company it was so easy to forget her responsibilities, so easy to lose herself in the moment, and the more time they spent alone the closer they got to crossing the line, that ever fragile line between them. It would only take a kiss to cross it, and many times, in an electrifying moment, they had come close to kissing. But the line had to stand. No matter how much their hearts wanted to cross it, the line had to be respected. For their sake and for the crew's.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Tuvok. Past away missions have shown that. If something happens to us, the crew lose their Captain and First Officer." Her sad eyes then twinkled. "Unless, of course, that is your intention. With us out of the way you get to be Captain. What have you done, Tuvok? Put a bomb in the shuttle?"

"I have always found the human sense of humor to be...insensible," he answered. "My motive is unmenacing. It is also threefold. Firstly, I believe an outing will do you both good. Secondly, your mutual departure will boost crew morale by assuring them of your trust. Thirdly, I believe you and the Commander could benefit from time alone without interruption."

"To what end, Tuvok?"

"To discuss what needs to be discussed. I will not speak out of turn, especially in a public place, but I have observed your...feelings...for each other. We are a long way from Starfleet, Captain. It seems to me the freedom you have given everyone to pursue romantic relationships must also apply to yourself. Humans cannot be expected to live like Vulcans."

"You are forgetting that I am engaged," Kathryn said uncomfortably. "If you wish not to speak out of turn, say no more."

"If I have spoken out of turn, I apologize. But your welfare, emotional as well as physical, is important to me. I would not want you to be unhappy if there is a remedy. I admit I was wrong about the Commander. He is a fine First Officer and a true gentleman. I have come to respect him greatly. I believe he is worthy of your affection and your trust."

"I know you mean well," Kathryn said quietly, "and I appreciate your concern for my welfare, but my relationship with Chakotay is strictly professional."

"Then, bar your safety, you cannot have any objection to this away mission."

At this, Kathryn had to smile. "You drive a hard bargain, Tuvok."

"But one that is mutually beneficial. I have informed the Commander of his assignment and he will meet you in the shuttlebay at 10:00 hours."

Kathryn sighed. "Then, I guess, you win. I'll go."

"I am glad to hear it. But you may wish to make a sharp exit. Mr Neelix has just arrived and, from the delight on his face when he saw you, he will seek a million words with you as soon as Kes sets him free. I suspect every one will be about Talent Night."

Kathryn glanced behind her and saw that Neelix was indeed present and eyeing her eagerly. "Thank you for the warning, Tuvok," she said, turning back to him. "I'll make my escape. I have a few things to do before I leave, anyway. See you when I get back."

Tuvok gave a nod. "Farewell, Captain."

Kathryn then downed the rest of her coffee and left.

* * *

><p>A few hours later, the away mission over, Kathryn took a bath and then curled up with a coffee in her lounge. The away mission had been a disaster, just like so many others, but unlike so many others this one would haunt her for a long time. Haunt her with the ghosts of grief it had awoken. The ghost of her father, the ghost of Justin, and the ghost of a shuttle crash that had devastated her life. It had been so hard, after the accident, to fly. Stepping into a shuttle was like stepping into that terrible moment of time and reliving it all over again. By sheer determination she had forced herself to fly, but it had been months before she could step into a shuttle and not feel sick. Now it had happened again. The shuttle she, and the man she loved, were flying in had crash landed on a planet. This time neither of them had died but the story could so easily have been different. Chakotay could so easily have met Justin's fate. That fate that was her worst nightmare. And if he had...<p>

She could not let herself go there. Could not let herself dwell on what might have been. Could not let herself dwell on what had been. Chakotay had survived, she had survived, and that was all that mattered. For the sake of the crew, she had to banish the ghosts from her mind, force herself to focus on the present. And yet...

And yet she could not forget.

Could not forget the image of Chakotay's grief as he cradled her dead body in his arms. Whether the image was an illusion created by the alien, or whether he had really grieved for her that way, she did not know, but the image would not leave her. For in that grief she had seen love. A love that humbled and awed her. A part of her hoped that grief had been real, that Chakotay really did love her that much, but another part of her was afraid of what it would mean if he did. Afraid of the intensity. The intensity of his feelings, the intensity of hers. Never had she thought she could love another man as much as Justin, but now she knew that she could, that she did.

But knew too late.

It was too late for them. The fates had given them chances in the past but she had blown them. Blown them by walking away. And now...

And now it was too late.

Or was it?

Was Tuvok right? Should she allow herself the same freedom as everyone else and pursue a romantic relationship? It was not impossible to balance the personal and the professional. Many officers had done it. But they had not been stranded together on a lone ship in the middle of the Delta Quadrant. They had not had a crew depending on them to get them home. They had not had personal demons to fight. A battle on two fronts, it could not be won.

Then suddenly, unexpectedly, the door chime played. Kathryn took a sip of coffee, tightened the belt around her silky pink robe, and then got to her feet.

"Come in!"

The door opened and Tuvok came in.

"Good evening, Captain," he said.

"And to you," Kathryn replied. "But I've had better." She gestured to the couch. "Please, take a seat."

"I mean not to stay," Tuvok answered. "I come only to enquire how you are."

"I'm ok, Tuvok. In fact, I was just about to get dressed and report for duty."

"The Doctor told you to take things easy."

"I know, but I need to keep busy. I have a pile of reports to read and they'll help take my mind off what happened."

"So long as read reports is all you do. You suffered a serious head injury and need to rest."

"I rest better working. But don't worry, I'm not about to start chasing macroviruses...at least I hope not."

"As do we all. But I must apologize, Captain. You were right and I was wrong. It is not a good idea for you and Commander Chakotay to go on away missions together. We could have lost you both."

"Yes, you could have. But you were right too. Chakotay and I do have feelings for each other." Tears filled her eyes. "But it's a hopeless situation, Tuvok. He's my First Officer...officially my prisoner...and I...I have to be his Captain. Only and always his captain."

"Not always," he said kindly. "You must have a life outside of duty. There must be a balance. Your life at present is unbalanced. Work weighs down the scales."

"Because I have a crew depending on me to get them home. A crew that I stranded in this quadrant." A tear ran down her cheek. "I was wrong, Tuvok. I should never have destroyed the array. The Kazon weren't as much of a risk to the Ocampans as we thought and...and I shouldn't have interfered. I broke the prime directive and now we're all paying."

Tuvok stepped closer and tentatively put his hand on her shoulder. "Destroying the array took great courage. I admire you for that courage and so do many others. You made the right decision, Captain. The Kazon would have used the array to annihilate the Ocampa. A whole civilization survives and thrives thanks to you. Be proud, Captain. As to Chakotay, listen to your heart. In Humans it often gives the best advice. I believe the Commander can light the darkness inside you. The darkness I have always sensed. The darkness you run from, seeking the light, but run back to as the light lies in the darkness. Keep your eyes on the light, Captain. Reach for the light. Then you'll find the darkness fades away." Gently, he squeezed her shoulder. "I will now return to the bridge. Take care, Captain."

Then, without another word, he left.

The darkness.

What did he know? What had he seen?

The darkness. The blackness. The horror?

_Reach for the light._

The light of love. The only light that could banish the darkness.

_Warmth. Safety. Love._

Chakotay.

But could she? Did she have the right? The right to follow her heart and reach for his light?

A battle on two fronts. Could it be won?

There was only one way of finding out. She would do it. She would reach for the light. She would try.

* * *

><p>On the deck of a beautiful yacht, beneath a moonlit sky, Kathryn sat with Chakotay on a luxurious couch as they supped champagne and ate strawberries. The air was warm, sweet, and the atmosphere relaxed yet charged with anticipation. From the moment she'd suggested a moonlight sail, an overture that was clearly romantic, joy had filled Chakotay's eyes. A joy that shone so bright it was dazzling. As he talked, flirting around the moment they were both waiting for, Kathryn could only gaze at him. Gaze at his handsome face in the silver light of the stars and at the tribal tattoo that she longed to trace and kiss. The tattoo that had not been there that wonderful day at his lodge but now she couldn't imagine him without.<p>

"You really are a wonderful dancer," he said, topping up their champagne that was real, not synthesol. "You swept across the stage with a grace and beauty that awed us all."

"Thank you," Kathryn smiled. "But I think you've flattered my ego enough where my dancing is concerned."

"Just as long as you know how good you are."

"With you constantly telling me, I'm going to think I'm better than I am."

Chakotay laughed softly. "Not possible."

Feeling impulsive, Kathryn suddenly got to her feet. "How would you like to dance now? A slow waltz beneath the stars."

Chakotay smiled and stood too. "I'd love to."

"Then, Sir, let's dance."

Kathryn commanded music, Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, and then held out her hand to Chakotay. He took it and then gently drew her into his arms. Kathryn could hardly breathe as their bodies touched, the current electrifying, and a pleasant thrill rippled through her as she wrapped her arms around his neck. He was a magnet drawing her, a magic spell enchanting her, and all she was aware of was him. Voyager, the holodeck, the yacht, they ceased to exist. All that existed was him. Him and her. Them. Just them. Then they were swaying to the music, swaying slowly, embracing more than dancing.

"Last night," Chakotay said, his cheek resting against hers, "I had an incredible dream. A dream about us. We were at my lodge, when it was in full glory, and on the beach below you danced for me just like you danced last night. The waves were crashing, a breeze blowing, and you were...breathtakingly beautiful. Then we rode horses through the forest, rode as fast as the wind, and raced each other through fields. The sun was shining, a summer's day, and we both had the time of our lives. Then we walked back to my lodge and made pots on my potter's wheel."

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes. He remembered. Only in a dream, only as a dream, but he remembered. The dance had awoken the sleeping memory, awoken it in his dreams. If only he knew it was more than a dream. If only he knew it had happened. But she couldn't tell him. Not yet. It was best if he remembered it only as a dream. An incredible dream.

"That does," she whispered, "sound like an incredible dream."

Chakotay's eyes found hers now and he looked into them. "I hope it comes true some day. When we get home, and I rebuild my lodge, I hope you'll dance for me on the beach."

Rebuild the lodge. Kathryn's heart joyed at that. Joyed at the thought of that magnificent mountain home standing again.

"I will," she promised. "You rebuild your lodge and I will."

Chakotay smiled, tears in his eyes, but then his happiness faded and he looked at her sadly.

"What happened today," he said, "scared the hell out of me. I thought...I thought I'd lost you. You were dead, Kathryn. When I woke up and found you...you were dead."

Then it was real. That image of grief that had so touched her heart was real. Real and true. He really, truly, loved her that much.

Tenderly, Chakotay brushed his fingers against her cheek. "I love you, Kathryn. I've loved you since the day we met."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek and all she could do was take his hand in hers and squeeze it.

"I've wanted to tell you for a long time," he went on, "but I didn't think you felt the same. I didn't think you could. But now...now I think you might."

"I do," she whispered. "I do."

Tearfully, they lost themselves in each others eyes, and then slowly, reverently, Chakotay lowered his lips to hers in a tender kiss. Kathryn kissed him back, just as she had that day at the lodge, and the very universe stood still. Then Chakotay's lips were kissing her neck, showering her with sensual kisses, and his strong hands were exploring her body. Kathryn floated away with the ecstasy, gasped at the intensity, and then...

And then Chakotay drew away.

"Don't..." Kathryn said, tears flooding her eyes. "Don't stop...Please..."

Gently, Chakotay took her hands in his. "We must, Kathryn. You're recovering from a serious injury and we...we need to take things slowly. Once we've crossed that line there can be no going back. We have to be sure."

"I am," she replied. "Please, Chakotay, make love with me."

There was such a profound and painful longing in her eyes that it took all Chakotay's strength to defy her. "I will," he said, kissing her hand, "and it will be the greatest privilege of my life, but not tonight. We've been through hell and are both feeling vulnerable. When the moment is right, we'll know. Let's just...keep dancing."

But as Chakotay's loving arms tried to draw her close again, Kathryn pushed him away and tearfully leant against the silver rail that surrounded the deck. The moment had been right. It had been perfect. For the first time in years the ghosts of yesterday had gone, banished by his kisses and caresses, and she had been free. Had been on fire with his light. A dark soul trapped in darkness no more. But now that moment was gone. Now the ghosts were back and so too was the darkness.

"Or how about we play a game of chess?" Chakotay suggested. "It's been a while."

Chess. Kathryn felt as though she'd played it all her life.

"I...I'd rather say goodnight," she said, gazing out at the moonlit lake that was just a blur before her eyes. "In fact, I will." Then, turning back to him she addressed the computer. "Computer, end program."

Instantly, the boat disappeared and they were standing in the plain silver space that was the holodeck. All that was left of the simulation was the champagne and strawberries they'd replicated.

"There's no need to leave," Chakotay said. "Stay, please."

"No," Kathryn replied tearfully, "I'd better go. Goodnight, Chakotay."

With that, she walked passed him, but as she did, Chakotay caught her arm. "Kathryn...please..."

"I said goodnight, Chakotay."

Then she shook him loose and left.

* * *

><p>In the privacy of her quarters, Kathryn wept on her couch. Hugged a cushion and wept. Everything had gone so wrong. A night that had been so perfect, so wonderful, was now ruined. Ruined by her. Why had she reacted that way? Why had her heaven turned to hell when he'd said no? Why was her heart bleeding now? Why was she feeling sick inside? Why was the pain so unbearable that she wanted to sleep and never wake up?"<p>

Sleep.

Tired, so tired. Tired of the fight. Tired of the loneliness. Tired of the darkness.

The darkness and the cold.

But she could not go to bed. Not when the horror haunted. Not when it stalked her screaming. Not to the place it had been born.

All she could do was hug the cushion.

Hug and rock. Hug and rock.

* * *

><p>"The Doctor to Captain Janeway."<p>

Slowly, sluggishly, Kathryn stirred awake. She had fallen asleep on the couch, still in her uniform, and for a moment all was a haze in her mind. A maze of confusion. Then everything came back to her. The shuttle crash, the moonlight sail, Chakotay.

"The Doctor to Captain Janeway."

Sitting up, Kathryn groggily answered the hail. "Janeway here."

"You have missed your check-up at 9:00 hours. I have rescheduled it for 10:00 hours. Be there. Doctor out."

As the connection terminated, Kathryn lay back against the couch.

"Computer," she said, "what time is it?"

The Computer answered. "The time is 9:36 hours."

9:36. Not only had she missed her check-up but she was also late for duty. Her shift was meant to start at 9:30. Her shift on the bridge with Chakotay.

Chakotay.

How was she going to face him? How was she going to face this day? She didn't want to face it. She just wanted to hide away. Hide away forever. Sleep forever. But she couldn't. She had a crew depending on her to get them home. Lives depending on her for survival. She had to focus, had to be the captain, always the captain. Somehow she would face Chakotay. Somehow she would sort the mess out. Because it had to be sorted. Things done had to be undone, things said had to unsaid. They couldn't be together, couldn't have a relationship. She wasn't ready. Voyager wasn't the time or the place. A battle on two fronts, it couldn't be won. She had to choose the battle and dedicate her all to it. And that battle had to be their mission home.

Suddenly, the door chime played. Needing a coffee before she could face whoever was there, Kathryn went over to the replicator and manually replicated one. Then, after taking a sip, she turned to the door and called out.

"Come in!"

The doors swooshed open and then Chakotay came in. Kathryn tensed at the sight of him but steeled herself with the Captain's strength to meet his gaze.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," Kathryn replied.

"It's not like you to be late for duty. After last night...are you ok?"

"I'm fine," she lied. "I just...slept late. But I'm glad you're here. We need to...clear the air."

"Yes," he said. "What happened, Kathryn? One moment everything was wonderful and the next...I don't understand."

"I'm not sure I do," she answered. "I don't know whether it was the champagne, or the emotion of the day, but things got out of hand. We did and said things that we shouldn't have. In short, we got too close to the line. We're Captain and First Officer and we must never forget that."

Tears filled Chakotay's eyes. "I love you, Kathryn...with all my heart. We can find a way of making the personal and professional work."

"We can't," Kathryn said, tearful herself. "I'm obligated to this crew and...and to Mark."

Mark was just an excuse, a reason for reason's sake, but an excuse she knew would work. And it did. At the mention of his name, Chakotay lowered his eyes.

"So we need to take a step back," she went on. "We've been spending a lot of time together lately...too much time...and we need to take a breather. Need to recover some distance."

For a long moment Chakotay was silent. Silent and still. Then he looked up and the pain in his eyes was terrible to behold.

"I understand," he said quietly. "You still love Mark. I'm sorry I...crossed the line."

"We both did," she replied, trying hard not to falter. "But we can't let what happened come between us. Your friendship and support is important to me. I depend on both."

"And you'll always have both," he said sincerely. "Now I...I'll get back to work. See you on the bridge."

Kathryn nodded. "On the bridge."

Chakotay then left, a tortured figure, and Kathryn watched him go with a breaking heart.

END OF CHAPTER SIXTEEN


	17. Chapter 17

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER SEVENTEEN**

2374

In a small room in Palace Kolzen, a silver skyscraper in the heart of an alien metropolis, Kathryn sat with Tuvok before a round window. Outside the night sun was setting, dying the sky a ruby red, and a wispy mist hung over silhouetted buildings. The city, called Azola, was the only city on this alien world and belonged to an intergalactic species called Zolin. Natives of another galaxy, they had claimed the uninhabited planet as their own and it was one of several in the region. Every day the Zolin traveled to and from their home galaxy, making the journey in ships that could travel thousands of light years in seconds, and on hearing about them Kathryn had set a course for their space in the hope they could help to get Voyager home. While they were known as an aloof race of a fascist regime, they were not regarded as hostile. Kathryn had contacted one of their border patrolling ships as soon as Voyager was in range, and within an hour she and Tuvok were speaking to the sector's President in his palace. He had shown a great interest in their case, and an eagerness to help, but had warned them that procedures had to be followed before assistance could be given to any alien race. This involved presenting their case to an assembly of three hundred Elders, answering any questions or concerns of theirs, and then waiting for their verdict. Kathryn had done this enthusiastically, believing their assistance was a forgone conclusion, but had soon been disappointed. While half the Elders wanted to help, the other half were reluctant. They were concerned that helping Voyager's crew to get home would forever change Federation history. Unless, after a period of three days, two thirds of the Elders were in favor of helping, then Voyager's case would be rejected. Today was day two and only five of the Elders against had changed position.

"It's crazy," Kathryn said, unclipping her ponytail with frustrated fingers, "absolutely insane! Five minutes, Tuvok! Five minutes in one of their ships and we're home!"

"Their reluctance to help is illogical," Tuvok replied. "We are not asking for a ship, we are merely asking for a ride. But, whatever the outcome tomorrow, we must respect their decision gracefully. We have been given a fair hearing. Whether they decide to help us or not is their prerogative."

Kathryn threw her hairclip onto a table and got to her feet. "And what about our crew's prerogative? What about our rights? If the Elders say no tomorrow, I'm not going to say thank you for listening and then leave like they've done us a courtesy! They have ships that can get us home, Tuvok! Home in five minutes! I'm not leaving until they agree to help us!"

"There is a very real possibility that they will not."

"Then we'll have to try other ways and means to get what we want!"

"Such as?"

"Maquis ways, Maquis means. Those ships are our way home, Tuvok. If we can't get a ride, we'll get ourselves a ship."

"All moral objections aside," Tuvok reasoned, "the Zolin execute for theft. If we were caught, and it is likely we would be, we would all face death by electrocution. Such an end would be unpleasant and unfitting. If our request is denied, we must accept defeat magnanimously."

"I can't and I won't do that. It could be years before another opportunity like this presents itself, and I'm not prepared to tell the crew they've got to wait those years. We've all waited long enough."

Tuvok was about to reply when the door chime played. Crossly, Kathryn turned towards the door and called out. "Come in!"

The silver door slid open and the President, called Ezran, stepped in. The alien man was tall, broad, and typically of his species had gray skin, white hair, and green eyes. He was wearing a black suit that shimmered in the light, knee-high black boots, and around his waist was a studded belt holding a phaser and several gadgets. Facially, the aliens resembled Cardassians, which was enough to make many on Voyager suspicious of them, but Kathryn refused to let the resemblance intimidate her. Even though the men towered over her, and in general had little respect for women, she stood strong against them.

"Night greetings," the President smiled. "I trust you both delighted in your dining with Elders Vanzon and Kaldwin."

"Their hospitality I cannot fault," Kathryn answered, "but I could say nothing to change their minds. They're still opposed to helping us."

"Sorry my ears are to hearken that. Perhaps by the morrow their minds and hearts will have altered."

"I really don't think so. And, to be frank, I'm tired of this whole charade. A ride is all we ask. A five minute ride! Why is that such a big deal?"

"To many of us it is not. But the voices of all must be heard. We may like not what they speak, but we must hearken. Hearken and then speak, hoping that they to us hearken."

"For two days I've listened. For two days I've argued our case. But in all that time only five Elders have changed their minds. It's ridiculous!"

"Your frustration I fathom. But despair not. Your cause is not without hope. I offer a solution."

At this, Kathryn's eyes lit up. "Really? One that does not involve the Elders?"

"One that is to mutual advantage. But I wish to discuss it with you alone."

"Very well," Kathryn answered. She then turned to Tuvok. "Mr Tuvok, please leave us."

"I should stay," he replied, not comfortable leaving her alone with this alien man that he did not like or trust. "Whatever is said concerns us both. If discretion is called for, you can count on mine."

"He's right," Kathryn said to the President. "There is nothing you can say to me that Tuvok can't be trusted to hear."

"I insist on speaking with you alone," he declared.

Kathryn turned back to Tuvok. "Then I repeat my request. Please leave."

"Captain," Tuvok protested, "I..."

"Now," Kathryn said firmly.

Reluctantly, Tuvok did as she said and made his way into the connecting room that was his for the duration of their stay.

"At last he obeys," the President said. "Disobedience must not be tolerated in subordinates."

"He is protective," Kathryn answered, "not disobedient."

"Those that counter commands are disobedient. He should be disciplined. But let us speak of what I wish to speak. Doomed is your case. The Elders will not by half light tomorrow agree to assist you. Many heads oppose, and sleep will not change many heads. Your case will be refused. That very hour you will to your ship be escorted and told to resume your flight. Voyager will fly alone again. I regret this will be the outcome but I know it will be. Too many Elders disfavor you. But I have a remedy. If you oblige me, I will oblige you. When Voyager flies towards home, I will arrange for a ship in cloak to pursue you secretly. Your crew and you can then aboard it, destroy Voyager, and ride to where you wish to go. What cannot be done in light can be in dark."

Kathryn wondered why he hadn't offered this covert mission in the first place, it would have saved them all a lot of trouble, but if she wanted his help she would have to play along. "I wholeheartedly agree. Thank you for this overture. What do you want in return?"

The alien reached out and skimmed his fingers over her long hair. "I want you. Your hair is a fire, ribbons of flame, and your spirit an inferno that heats my blood. Lie with me this night and do my pleasure, and tomorrow I will pleasure you."

Kathryn swallowed. In his eyes desire blazed, that monster that terrified her, and his ugly nostrils flared as his fingers moved to her breasts and fondled them.

"Be at my disposal," he went on, "and I will be at yours."

"I'm sorry," Kathryn said, backing away, "no deal. Let's come to another arrangement."

"I will make no other offer. Lie with me and satisfy my passion, my desire hot as a volcano, or leave tomorrow with no hope of aid."

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes and her stomach heaved. The man was serious, of that she had no doubt, and she was not in a position to say no. Even if, after she'd given him what he wanted, he did not honor his promise, at least she would know she had done everything she could to get her crew home. The same could not be said if she turned him down. How could she? How could she refuse? To get her crew home, she would gladly sacrifice her life. How then could she not sacrifice her body for just one night? She would have to. If she didn't, she wouldn't be able to live with herself. But if only he had asked for her life. For she would rather die than lie in his bed and face the horror. The horror that would never leave her alone. The horror that always sought her out and tortured her.

"Ok," she said, "I'll do it. I'll do what you want."

The alien smiled and began to take off his jacket. "I knew you would. Oh, what pleasure awaits us! Remove your clothes and let me see you. I burn to see your flesh!"

Feeling as though she was going to be sick, Kathryn edged away from him towards a tall cabinet that housed wines and spirits. She needed a drink. Needed that mind numbing tonic. There was no way she could do this without it. No way she could face the horror sober.

"Not so fast," she said. "Let's...let's have some wine first. It's a human tradition."

The man laughed. "You observe your tradition, I will mine. We wine not afore coitus. It dulls our pleasure."

"It increases ours," Kathryn said, turning away as he removed his pants. "Lessens our inhibitions."

"Then drink, damsel. Drink."

Quickly, Kathryn opened a bottle that contained a strong blue spirit and gulped it down. Hopefully it would hit her system fast. It had been years since she had last drunk in any quantity.

"Oh," Ezran said, the ruffling of sheets telling her he was climbing into bed, "I am ablaze already. Our women are weak, mousey sparks that flare then die, but you...you are a dragon. A fire-breather. Oh, take off your clothes and set me alight!"

Having downed half the bottle, Kathryn clumsily put it back and then turned towards the bed. Ezran was lying in it, a black satin sheet draping him, and his muscular body was propped up by an elbow. Kathryn felt the sick inside rise to her mouth, felt her heart thump in her chest, but then the scene before her blurred and her mind slurred.

Drifting.

Swaying.

Her again.

That woman she had left behind in the Alpha Quadrant. That woman who could sleep with two men in one night.

How easy then was one.

One.

One stranger. One after dozens.

She could do it. She could be that woman again. She had to be.

Then, to Ezran's joy, she began to strip. Seductively, she removed her clothes one by one, threw them around the room with a twirl, and then strode towards him naked.

Ezran was panting with desire now, his eyes on fire, and as Kathryn climbed onto the bed and straddled him he groaned with pleasure. Then his hands were all over her body, feeling frantically, and his mouth was on hers. As his rough tongue plundered, Kathryn pushed him down and plundered back. His manhood rose beneath her, hot and hard, and then she was on her back, his lips sucking her neck, his teeth biting her hair.

And then...

And then she was somewhere else.

Somewhere cold, hard.

Murmuring, Kathryn opened her eyes and tried to see where, but bright lights blinded her and all she could do was close them again.

Then someone was beside her, speaking.

"Kathryn...you're safe now."

Chakotay. The voice was Chakotay's.

"Tuvok told me what was happening...he overheard...and I had you beamed out of there."

"No," Kathryn protested, trying to sit up but her body not co-operating, "send me back...got to get Voyager home."

"Not this way, Kathryn. And I'm as angry as hell that you would agree to something like this. But we'll talk about it later. Right now we need to get you to your quarters and looked at by The Doctor."

"No...please...send me back...my decision...my body..."

"It's out of the question, Kathryn. And it's too late. While you've been in transporter suspension, which you have been for over two hours, we've had to battle our way out of Zolin space. I'm sure as hell not turning this ship around and going back there."

Kathryn began to weep now. "Then I failed...I failed."

"No," Chakotay answered. "You did your best with an unreasonable race. No one could do more. You and Tuvok are back with us, we suffered no fatalities during the battle, and Voyager is back on course for home. That's all that matters."

Kathryn said nothing, just wept. Painful sobs that knifed Chakotay's heart. As he gazed at her, naked and shivering on the transporter pad, her neck covered in lovebites and her hair wild, tears filled his eyes. If anyone had failed, he had. He had failed to protect her. Failed to protect her from the fate he feared most next to her death: her rape. For that is what this incident amounted to. He could only hope she had been beamed out before things had gone too far. He was angry, damned angry, so angry that he could kill Ezran, but as he gazed at Kathryn, lying before him broken and helpless, the tenderness she always evoked in him muted that anger to sadness. What was done was done. Neither of them would ever see Ezran again and all that mattered now was Kathryn's well-being.

"Computer," he said, "transport the Captain and me to her quarters."

In seconds, the blue beam of the transporter engulfed them and they dematerialized. When they rematerialized, they were in Kathryn's lounge. Kathryn was lying on the floor, weeping still, and Chakotay was kneeling beside her. He knew Kathryn had been drinking, knew it from Tuvok and the smell on her breath, but he had not expected her to be this drunk. She must have downed something strong. Slowly, he got to his feet and then picked Kathryn up. She made no protest, just continued to weep. Then he carried her into her bedroom, pulled back her bedcovers, and then gently laid her on the bed. Kathryn's sobs were now whimpers, as she was slowly drifting into unconsciousness, and as her body flopped onto the bed, a scene flashed through Chakotay's mind. It lasted only seconds, but in that scene he saw Kathryn. Saw her lying on another bed in another time, her hair black and straight, her face covered in make-up. The vision unsettled and disturbed him, as he could not place the memory, but then he dismissed the flashback as the confused creation of an upset mind. If he was remembering something from that time he had little recollection of, he was remembering another woman as Kathryn. Such confusion had happened before with others. A sight or a sound could trigger a memory, causing a flashback, but it did not always playback correctly.

Forgetting the memory, Chakotay pulled the bedcovers over Kathryn and then went to get a medkit. When he had one, he sat on the edge of Kathryn's bed, pulled out a dermal regenerator, and healed her lovebites. She was now sleeping, stale tears on her cheeks, and when he was done, Chakotay tenderly wiped them away with a tissue. He then brushed stray strands of hair away from her face and made her look as neat as possible. Kathryn was a very proud woman and he knew she'd hate for even The Doctor to see her in the state she had been. That was the main reason he had kept her in transporter suspension. She did not need the trauma of being seen in a humiliating condition by anyone but him. No one but Tuvok and The Doctor knew what had happened and he intended for it to stay that way. All the crew needed to know was that the negotiations had failed and it had been necessary to beam out the Captain and Tuvok so they could all make a sudden escape.

After putting away the dermal regenerator, and closing the medkit, Chakotay summoned The Doctor. Voyager's EMH arrived promptly by transport and was visibly both relieved and concerned to see his Captain fast asleep in bed.

"I was not expecting the Captain to be asleep," he said. "Is this your doing or did that brute drug her?"

"Neither," Chakotay answered. "She's had a lot to drink and is sleeping it off."

"I see," The Doctor said. "In other words she's intoxicated." He switched on his medical tricorder and scanned her. "Almost beyond safe limits. Whatever she drank was ten times stronger than whisky. But aside from that she's as right as rain."

Chakotay asked the question he was dreading the answer to. "Is there any sign of... of copulation?"

"If you're asking whether sexual intercourse has taken place then the answer is no."

At this, relief consumed Chakotay and he relaxed. "Then we got her in time."

"But just. Male dna is all over her body." The Doctor opened his medkit and pulled out a hypospray. "I'll give her a shot for the intoxication and then be on my way. Within an hour she should be fully recovered."

"No," Chakotay said. "Let her sleep it off. By the time she wakes up, we'll be hours away from Zolin space. The further we are, the better. You know how stubborn she can be."

"I certainly do. We'll let her sleep. No harm can come to her then. Her greatest danger always is herself."

"Yes," Chakotay answered. "But we wouldn't have her any other way."

"You, perhaps not," The Doctor teased, "but if she was the hologram, and me the humanoid, I'd do some tweaking." He then closed his medkit. "Now, get some rest, Commander. Doctor's orders. You've been on duty for over twenty hours."

"I will," Chakotay promised.

"Then I'll say goodnight. And well done, Commander. The Captain may not thank you for your actions, but you did the right thing."

"I don't doubt it. Goodnight, Doctor."

"Goodnight," The Doctor replied. He then hit his commbadge. "Doctor to Transporter Room One, beam me back to sickbay."

Seconds later, he dematerialized.

When he was gone, Chakotay turned again to Kathryn. She was lying still, her head slightly to the side, and on her pale face were prominent freckles. The alien sun on that alien world had clearly brought them out. Tenderly, Chakotay reached out and brushed his fingers against her cheek. She looked so beautiful. So beautiful and yet so fragile. The Captain was strong, a will of iron, but Kathryn...Kathryn was vulnerable. Only he seemed to sense that. Only he and Tuvok. To every one else she was a wonder woman, a warrior with heart but no fear. But to him she was a woman first, then a warrior. His friend first, then his captain. He loved her more than he had ever thought it possible to love and he wished he could take her in his arms and hold her safe forever. He never wanted any harm to come to her, never wanted anyone to hurt her, and as he stood there beside her bed he vowed to do a better job at protecting her. It was his place as her First Officer, his place as her friend, his place as a man.

Then, after he'd looked at her for a long time, he stepped away from the bed.

"Computer," he said. "Dim lights."

Instantly, the lights dimmed and Chakotay found himself in semi-darkness. Then he took one last look at Kathryn and left.

END OF CHAPTER SEVENTEEN


	18. Chapter 18

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN**

Head hurting, eyes foggy.

Slowly, groggily, Kathryn stirred awake. Groaning at the pain when she raised her head, she lay back against her pillow and tried to focus her sluggish mind. Where was she? What had happened?

Then the mist before her eyes cleared and she saw that she was in her quarters on Voyager. In her bedroom and in her bed. In her bed and naked. Then scenes from the night before flashed through her mind and everything started to come back to her. She had been on an alien world with Tuvok, trying to secure a ride home for her crew, but the aliens had not been very co-operative. For days she had been in talks to change their minds but to no avail. Then the President had propositioned her, told her he would help her crew get home if she would sleep with him, and she had agreed. But that was where her recollection ended. Everything afterwards was just a blur. In that haze she could taste alcohol, see Ezran naked, feel his hands all over her, but then...

Then nothing.

No, wait.

Something.

Chakotay. Voyager.

Somehow, someway, she had ended up on Voyager. Ended up in her quarters. Ended up in her bedroom. Ended up in her bed. But how?

Chakotay. He had beamed her out. Somewhere in the hazy maze of her memory that had registered. Tuvok had told him what was happening and he had beamed her out.

Damn him. Damn Tuvok.

Why did they have to interfere? If they hadn't of, the crew could be home now. Evidently they weren't. Evidently Voyager was back on its lonely course across the galaxy.

Damn them.

They'd had no right to interfere. It had been her choice to sleep with him. Her choice to bargain a way home for her crew with her body. They'd had no right to stop her. No right to condemn the crew to what could be years more in this quadrant. No right.

Damned angry.

And yet...

And yet relieved. Relieved that they wouldn't let her do it. That they cared so much. That they would sacrifice a way home for her sake.

But for nothing. Their sacrifice had been for nothing. After all the men she'd slept with over the years, one more would make no difference.

No difference to her. Every difference to the crew.

And now...

And now the tears. The tears of that hurt and lonely woman of so long ago. That broken woman that had slept for so long. Slept, not left. For she was awake now. Awake and crying.

Crying for the pain, crying for the shame.

How was she going to face everyone? By now everyone on board would know. Everyone would know and be judging her. Judging her and pitying her. She could not bear it. Could not bear the shame. Could not bear the pain.

But she had to. A crew was depending on her to get them home. She had to be strong. Had to be the Captain. Had to harden her heart with iron armor.

Wiping away her tears, she got out of bed, put on a white robe, and then went over to the replicator. When there, she replicated a hypospray to cure hangovers, put it to her neck, and then went into her bathroom. In the mirror before her she looked like hell, but there were no hickies on her neck. No mark of man. Either they hadn't got that far or The Doctor had removed them. But if there was no mark of man, there was the smell of man. She could smell Ezran's aftershave on her skin. It was all over her. All over her like his hands had been, his hands that frantically fondled her, his tounge that plundered hers, his mouth that chewed her hair...

Sick.

She suddenly felt sick.

Throwing up.

Throwing up in the toilet.

Crying.

But crying would do no good. The day had to be faced. Her shame had to be faced.

Forcing herself to her feet, she turned on the sonic shower, picked up a sponge, and then washed herself. Washed her body, washed her hair, washed away every trace of man. Washed and scrubbed until parts of her body were sore. Then she dried herself, replicated a clean robe, and prepared herself for the day ahead. She would not cry again. Would not be this woman again. This woman she would leave behind in this room. The Captain would step out of it.

And the Captain did.

When she finally left the room, it was as the Captain. There were no tears on her cheeks, no tell tale signs of weakness, just steel composure. But then, when she stepped into her lounge, her defenses came crashing down. For there was Chakotay. He was sitting at her table, which was set for breakfast, and was drinking orange juice. When he saw her, he put down his drink and got to his feet.

"Hi," he said.

Kathryn felt her stomach somersault. She couldn't do this. She couldn't face him. She was going to be sick...

But then he was talking. Talking and distracting her.

"How is the head? I'm guessing you woke up with a hell of a hangover."

"I...I've taken some meds," she managed to say.

"Good. And I bet you're dying for a coffee." He gestured to a chair. "Please, sit. I'll get you one."

Tears flooded Kathryn's eyes. "Don't," she said. "Don't pretend like I've just had a few too many at a party. You, and the whole ship, knows what happened last night."

"Not the whole ship," he answered. "Just me, Tuvok and The Doctor."

At this, the swirling sickness inside eased. "Really?"

"Yes. And that's how it's going to stay."

Kathryn's relief was overwhelming, too overwhelming for words, and it was a moment before she could speak.

"Thank you," she said. "I'm damned angry at what you did...beaming me out of there...but I thank you for your discretion."

"I'd do nothing less. But I'm angry too. I'm angry you would prostitute yourself to get us home."

"What choice did I have? I couldn't let the crew down. A night with him was...a small price to pay."

"I know you see it that way. I know you'd sleep with the entire assembly if it got us home. But we're not getting home that way. Now now, not ever."

Kathryn wanted to argue back, wanted to ask what right he had to make that call, but she couldn't. She just didn't have the strength, didn't have the fight. All she could do was cry. Bury her head in her hands and cry.

Then Chakotay was beside her, drawing her into his arms. Unable to resist him, and not wanting to, Kathryn leant into his strong body.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "But I...I had to...I..."

"I know," he replied, holding her close. "And Ezran knew that too. But it's over now."

In the warmth and comfort of Chakotay's embrace, an embrace that was all too rare, Kathryn's tears ebbed as her pain eased. In his arms there truly was safety. Warmth. Safety. Love.

"Just promise me," he said after a while, "that you'll never do anything like this again."

"I can't," Kathryn answered. "I can't promise that."

"Then we'll just have to hope this situation never again arises."

"It won't," Kathryn said, drawing away. "It's my hair, Chakotay. The red it's...it's a fire that makes men burn. It always has and...and I'm cutting it off...dying it."

"It's not your hair that makes men burn," Chakotay reasoned, "it's lust. You're a beautiful woman and that...it's not always a blessing. I know because I've often thought my good looks are a curse. Women they...they look at me but they don't see me. Not the me inside. All they want is the physical."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. She had no idea he felt that way. No idea that he knew something of her pain. That he too had been burned and scarred by the cruel fire of desire. It was ironic. In each other they had found love, a love that was not based on the physical, but because of the physical they could not be together.

"Don't cut your hair," he went on. "And don't change its color." His voice then fell to a whisper. "Please."

At this, Kathryn lowered her eyes. She knew he loved her hair. She knew because she'd seen him looking at it many times. Looking in delight. That one time she'd had it bobbed, just to try something different, he'd made it quite clear that he preferred it long. So she'd worn it long again, worn it long for him, and experimented with style instead. She wanted to be beautiful in his eyes. Wanted him to look at her in delight. Wanted him to as much as she didn't want him to. On the one side was the thrill, the fuzz inside when she caught him gazing, and on the other was the fear. The fear of his desire. But she knew that while he delighted in her hair, it wasn't her hair that attracted him, wasn't her hair that turned him on. He'd been attracted to her when her hair was black. Long and black. Short and black. The attraction between them was not based on looks. It was based on chemistry. A chemistry that was magical. But no matter how much he loved her long auburn hair, it would have to go. There was no way she could live with it now. Her hair was a fire, a fire that had enflamed men's desire, and she had to put that fire out.

"I must," she said. "I need to. Ezran he...I need to."

Gently, Chakotay placed a finger under her chin and raised up her head. "Ezran," he said, infinite pain in his eyes, "did he hurt you?"

"No," Kathryn answered. "And, to be honest, I don't remember much. I...I'd had a lot to drink."

Chakotay guessed she'd got herself drunk so she could sleep with Ezran, but he didn't say so. There was no point. Instead, he returned to the subject of her hair. "If cutting your hair will make you feel better in someway, then do it. But don't dye it. Please."

"Ok," she conceded, seeing how much this meant to him, "I won't. I'll just cut it."

"Good," he replied, comforted. Then he put his hand on her shoulder. "I know we're too close for me to be the counselor to you I've become to the rest of the crew, but we have holo-counselors in our database. It may help you to talk to one of them. An incident like this it..it's a wound that can scar."

"I'm fine," Kathryn said. "As I say, I don't remember most of what happened and the rest...the rest I'll easily forget. I did what I had to do and I'm not sorry. Besides, you got me out of there quick sharp. My hair it's just...it's just time for a change."

"I understand," he said. And he did. He'd noticed over the years that Kathryn always changed her hairstyle after a trauma. It was her way of shelving that part of her life, of starting a new, of exercising control. Very little control did she have over her life. Even though she had an entire ship at her command, an entire crew, they were at the beck and call of the Captain. Not of Kathryn. Kathryn was a small voice inside, a whisper of a woman, a woman silenced by the officer. Only the hair could Kathryn control. Only through that could she speak.

"But I won't cut it too short," she promised. "Maybe a bob. I liked it before...and you didn't dislike it."

"No," he smiled. "I didn't dislike it."

"Then a bob it is. Now, is that offer of a coffee still on?"

"It certainly is. So sit yourself down, Ma'am, and I'll bring one over. Breakfast too. I know you probably don't have much of an appetite, but you need to eat. What would you like? Pancakes? Croissants?"

"Pancakes," she answered, "but on two conditions."

"Name them."

"You make them fresh and you eat them with me."

Chakotay smiled. "Deal."

* * *

><p>Two hours later, Kathryn was in her ready room. Her hair was now bobbed, courtesy of Voyager's holo-hairdresser, and the new style had already earned her compliments from several crewmembers. It made her look ten years younger, Neelix has said, if that could be counted as a compliment, and B'Elanna said it was her nicest look yet. As Kathryn sat at her desk, a newly replicated cup of coffee in hand, she looked around the room with satisfaction. The day, which she had expected to be a total nightmare, was not turning out so bad after all. The crew, as Chakotay had said, knew nothing of the night's events, and she and Chakotay had already put the incident behind them. The Doctor didn't seem to know as much as she had expected him to, which was a relief, and there was no sign of the Zolin pursuing. All that remained was to clear the air with Tuvok. He would arrive any moment, as she had just summoned him, and she was eager to see him. A part of her was still angry at what he had done, and she would tell him so, but she knew he had acted in what he thought was her best interest and she could not condemn him for that.<p>

Suddenly, the door chime played. Expecting her visitor to be Tuvok, Kathryn got to her feet and called out.

"Come in!"

The doors opened and, sure enough, Tuvok walked in. Even though his Vulcan exterior was tense and serious at the best of times, Kathryn knew him well enough to sense his awkwardness.

"You wish to see me, Captain," he said. "I am glad as I wish to see you. I will take, without question, any punishment you deem appropriate for my actions last night. I do not regret them, and would do them again, but I know I acted without your authorization and against your will."

"You did, Tuvok," Kathryn answered. "And I am very angry. Had you not taken matters into your own hands, the crew could have been home by now. But what's done is done. I know you acted in what you thought was my best interest. Chakotay too. For that reason, I will forgo punishment."

"Thank you, Captain," Tuvok replied.

"Now, let us say no more about the matter. You are forgiven, so let us forget."

"Gladly, Captain. But forgiving may be easier than forgetting. I see you have cut your hair. I deduce that is because of Ezran's words. You believe your altered hair will make you less attractive to men like him. That, in itself, reflects the impact of this incident upon you."

"I won't lie," Kathryn replied, "what happened last night was the catalyst, but I've wanted to cut my hair for a long time. Short hair is easier to maintain and is far more practical in our circumstance. The time I spend styling my hair can be put to better use."

"Still, I advise counseling. There are..."

"Holo-counselors in our database, I know," Kathryn interrupted. "I've had the lecture from Chakotay. But I'm fine, Tuvok. I've had far worse things happen to me than what happened last night, and I'm sure as hell not going to spend the rest of my life dwelling on it. I did what I had to do and I have no regrets. Not about my own actions. My only regrets are over yours."

"Be that as it may, the darkness inside you was profound last night. I sensed it. Felt it. A cold, black, darkness. I sense it now. Stronger than I have in years. Only light can banish the darkness. Reach for the light, Captain. The light inside Chakotay that shines only for you. Do not let the darkness consume you."

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes. He knew. He knew of the rape. Her dark and devastating secret. His Vulcan intuition had finally pieced together the picture. Or, at the very least, an impression of the picture.

"One day that light may shine for another," he went on. "Reach for it while you still can."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek and she walked towards the window. "I hope it does," she said sadly. "Shine one day for someone else. I can never be what he needs. Not while we're in a command structure. I hope he shines his light on someone who can shine hers back on him."

"Your positions on this ship need not be the block you make it. A relationship does not have to be sexual for judgments to be impaired. There needs only be friendship. None of us are immune to judgment impairment. Even Vulcans. Abstaining from a romantic relationship with the Commander will not make your judgment impartial should he ever be in danger. Your bond of friendship will compromise it."

"You're right," Kathryn said. "My feelings for Chakotay do and will cloud my judgment. But a relationship between us is out of the question. I don't have time for one and...and I don't need a distraction. I appreciate, as always, your concern for my happiness, but I know what is best for me and for this crew. Please don't presume that you always know better."

"I meant only that..."

"I know what you meant," Kathryn interrupted, turning back to him, "but you know what they say about good intentions. Because of you, this crew will be spending another night, and who knows how many more, in this quadrant. Because of you, some may never get home. Somethings are greater than ourselves, Tuvok, and for somethings no sacrifice is too great. But as I said, let's forgive and forget. You did what you thought was right, you and Chakotay both, and I accept that. I also thank you both for your discretion. But let this be an end of the matter."

"Very well, Captain," he said. "I will not speak of it again."

"Good. I'm glad we have consensus. Now, dismissed."

"Before I go, Captain, I must ask about our dinner scheduled for tonight. Will it still be occurring?"

"Of course," Kathryn answered. "What better way to mend our bridges? Especially if Vulcan Partwnga is on the menu."

A ghost of a smile graced Tuvok's lips. "I'll see that it is".

Then the door chime played and Kathryn called out "Come in!"

The doors opened and Chakotay came in.

"Captain," he said. "Tuvok."

"I was just about to leave," Tuvok declared. "Good day, Captain. Commander."

Chakotay gave a nod and then the Vulcan left. As he did, Chakotay turned back to Kathryn and looked sadly at her hair.

"You've done it then," he said.

Knowing he was talking about her hair, Kathryn nodded. "As soon as I could."

"And does it make you feel better?"

"Yes," she answered. "But you really don't like it, do you?"

In truth, he didn't. The style suited her, there was no denying that, but he would miss her long hair. He would miss the way it tumbled over her shoulders when it was loose, miss the way her ponytail cascaded down her back, and miss the way her bun crowned her head. Often he had gazed at her hair when she wasn't looking, delighting in the way light danced over it, and he had often watched with amusement as it fell about her ears in ribbons during some disaster. He would miss that too.

"It'll just take some getting used to," he said. "But it does suit you. I'm just...I'm sorry you feel the need."

"Well, I might have it long again someday. You know me, always a new style. I've wanted to do this for a long time so...so don't think it was just last night. I'm fine with what happened."

Chakotay was not convinced, but he knew that going over and over what had happened would do her no good. It was best to let her heal. But he would be watching her very closely for a while.

"Now," she went on, "presuming you're here on ship matters, shall we do business over a coffee?"

Chakotay smiled. "You're determined to turn me into a coffeholic, aren't you?"

"My second mission in life. But let me guess, you'd rather have an orange juice."

"I would."

"Then one orange juice coming up."

As she went over to the replicator, Chakotay made his way over to the couch. Outside, stars were streaming by at warp speed, just as they always did, and there was finally a sense of normality in the air. A feeling that all would be well.

"I'm not really here on ship matters, though," he confessed. "This is more of a social call."

"I see," Kathryn said, manually replicating an orange juice. "What you really mean is you're checking up on me."

"No comment."

Kathryn picked up the replicated glass of juice and carried it over to him. "Well, I'm truly fine. Swamped with damage reports...seems Voyager got a battering in the escape...but I'm wading through them slowly. When it's safe for us to do so, we'll stop somewhere and make all necessary repairs."

"There's an uninhabited m-class planet two days away. We could head there. I doubt we can fly much longer than that in our condition."

"Then that planet it is," she said, sitting beside him. "While a team is working on repairs, the rest of the crew can please themselves. A time of shoreleave would be good for everyone, I think."

"Agreed."

"You could take Emmy Jakes camping."

At this, Chakotay lowered his glass. "What is it about you and Emmy Jakes? Or should I say me and Emmy Jakes? For the past few months you've been throwing us together at every opportunity."

"Because I think she'd be good for you, Chakotay. She's smart, funny, pretty, and..."

"And I'm not interested," he interrupted. "She's a terrific woman, and certainly pretty, but...but she's not the woman for me."

"How will you know if you don't give her chance?"

"Because I know," he declared. Even though Kathryn had made it quite clear that nothing was going to happen between them, that her heart belonged to Mark, he could not stop loving her. She was the first thought on his mind in the morning and the last at night. Until he no longer loved her, no longer thought about her, no longer ached for her, it would not be fair to get involved with someone else. He could not shake the hope, the dream, that someday Kathryn would stop loving Mark and love him instead. She felt the chemistry between them, he was sure of it, and that kiss they'd shared on the holodeck had been real and heartfelt. In that moment she had loved him. In that moment she had asked him to make love with her. Perhaps she would again. Perhaps a part of her heart loved him but, being the loyal woman that she was, she could not be unfaithful to Mark. Could not give her heart completely to another without closure. Not without the knowledge he had moved on too. It was impossible to guess. While he could read Kathryn well, there were still some pages that were indecipherable. All he could do was hope. Hope that someday she would return his feelings. Hope and dream.

"Then I'll quit playing Cupid," Kathryn said. "I've clearly got poor aim."

Chakotay said nothing, just gazed vacantly into his drink. Kathryn watched him, his pain hurting her heart. She knew he still loved her. Although he had not spoken of his feelings since that fateful night on the holodeck, his love shone through in everything he did. Shone so bright that even Tuvok could see it. Even absent minded ensigns. Her love, only Tuvok could see, and that was how it had to stay. Even though she loved him with every fiber of her being, she could not tell him. Not while they were Captain and First Officer. That battle on two fronts could not be won.

"Maybe, instead, you and I could do something," she suggested, wanting to comfort the pain she had caused. "Not camping, I won't have the time, but maybe we can take a walk through a rainforest or swim in a pristine ocean."

Chakotay looked up now, his dull eyes brightening. "I'd like that"

"The walk or the swim?" Kathryn teased.

"Either," he answered.

"Then either it is...or maybe both." She then got to her feet. "Come on, Chakotay. Let's do a scan of this planet and see what it has to offer. With a little luck, it might even have a desert we can watch the sun rise over."

Chakotay smiled and stood too. "I'm looking at that horizon already."

"We might even have time to berry pick," she said, walking towards the door. "That's always a lot of fun." Then she turned to Chakotay and put her hand on his chest. "But let's not say anything to the crew just yet. As soon as Neelix hears the word 'shoreleave' he goes into hyper mode and starts planning all kinds of outlandish adventures. The last one almost killed me."

Chakotay laughed. "My lips are sealed."

Kathryn beamed him a smile and then, side by side, they left the room.

END OF CHAPTER EIGHTEEN


	19. Chapter 19

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER NINETEEN**

CHRISTMAS 2375

"You really have excelled yourself this year, Neelix," Kathryn said as she looked around the mess hall. "What a winter wonderland!"

Colorful tinsel decorated the walls; silver snowflakes shimmered on the ceiling; cloths of golden stars glittered on the tables; sparkling baubles adorned a white Christmas tree; and outside the windows, courtesy of holographic projectors, snow fell over a forest of evergreens.

"The holographic projectors on the windows were my idea," Naomi said from the kitchen as she rolled out pastry. "I thought it would be nice for everyone if they could look out and see snow instead of stars. The forest you see is in Lapland where Santa Claus lives. In a minute you'll see his reindeer fly over the trees as they practise for Christmas Eve. That was my idea too."

"I'm very impressed," Kathryn smiled. "Very impressed."

Neelix spoke. "You'll be very impressed with these mince pies Naomi has made too, Captain. They're the most delicious mince pies I've ever tasted!"

"That's because you've only ever tasted your own," Naomi declared. "Food we make for ourselves never tastes as nice as food other people make for us."

"Well," Kathryn teased, picking up a mince pie, "that's certainly true in my case." She then took a bite of the mince pie and gave it her verdict. "Mmmm, definitely delicious. You're quite the cook, Naomi."

"I am," she said, "and I'm getting better all the time. This afternoon I'm going to make butterfly cakes for the fancy dress ball tonight. I'm going to make pink cakes and purple cakes, and then mix them up so the pink cakes have purple wings and the purple cakes have pink wings. The cream I'm going to make silver."

"I can't wait to try one," Kathryn smiled.

"Who or what are you going to the ball as, Captain?" Neelix asked. "I'm going as a Christmas pudding."

Kathryn laughed. "A Christmas pudding? Really?"

"Well, I am the chief caterer and Naomi wanted me to be something festive. What's more festive than a Christmas pudding?"

"A Christmas cracker, maybe?" Kathryn teased.

"Tom's going as that," Naomi said. "When he made a joke about Seven being a Christmas cracker, B'Elanna got mad and said she'd break both his legs if he didn't take it back, so he did and said he'd go as one. So he is. B'Elanna's going as a Klingon warrior, to keep him in line, she says, and Mom's going as Mary Christmas. I'm going as Rudolf the rednose reindeer. I so love him. He takes me on great rides on the holodeck. We've flown all over Lapland."

"And you, Captain?" Neelix prompted.

"An Indian," she said. "Last year I went as Calamity Jane, and Chakotay as an Indian Chief, so this year we thought we'd do the opposite. He's going as a cowboy."

Naomi laughed. "Chakotay's going to be a cowboy? With a hat and boots and everything?"

"That's right," Kathryn replied.

"Oh, how funny! I can't wait to see him. Or you as an Indian. I'm sure you'll be beautiful."

"Thank you," Kathryn smiled. "I'm sure you'll make a fine reindeer too."

"I hope so. Mom's making my costume...by hand not by replicator...and she's as bad at sewing as you are at cooking. Last week she accidentally sewed a sock onto my shirt when trying to sew back a button. But don't tell her I said she was bad. She's worked hard at my costume and I appreciate her effort."

"I won't say a word," Kathryn laughed. "But I'm sure you're doing your mother a disservice by comparing her sewing skills to my cooking. I don't think anyone in the universe is as bad at anything as I am at cooking. Everything, and I mean everything, I make burns."

"Even toast?"

"Even toast."

Neelix spoke. "Then it's time to break the tradition. Get yourself into the kitchen, Captain, and we'll have you making perfect mince pies in no time!"

"Oh, Neelix," Kathryn protested. "I really don't think that..."

"We won't take no for an answer, will we, Naomi?"

"No," she said. "A Captain must have basic cooking skills. She might need to cook for her crew someday."

"Let's hope not," Kathryn answered, "or you'll all starve to death."

"Not when we've finished with you," Neelix smiled. "At the very least you'll be able to make mince pies. So, come on, Captain! Roll up your sleeves, wash your hands, and grab some flour!"

"Ok," Kathryn relented. "If I must, I must!"

* * *

><p>Two hours later, Kathryn proudly presented a plateful of mince pies to her senior staff in the briefing room.<p>

"As this is, I hope," she declared, "our last meeting before Christmas, let's mark the occasion with a mince pie."

"They look delicious," B'Elanna said from the table. "Neelix, did you make them?"

"Not me," he answered, "the Captain."

"Really?" Harry asked in surprise. He then flustered. "I mean, Captain, they look so good...and you're not...I mean...I'm..."

"Surprised?" Kathryn interrupted. "It's ok, you can say it. I surprised myself. But I did have help."

"Just a little," Neelix smiled. "No need to be modest. I never am. Take credit when credit is due is my motto." Seeing that no one was reaching for the mince pies, he prompted. "Well, don't all rush at once!"

At this, Chakotay reached for one. "I will certainly have one. Thank you."

Kathryn smiled as he took one and then watched as he ate it, eagerly awaiting his verdict.

"Very nice," he smiled. "Every bit as tasty as they look."

Seeing that his enjoyment was genuine, Tom now reached for one. "What do you know?" he said. "I guess it's true that an old dog can learn new tricks."

At this, B'Elanna smacked his arm. "Tom! What's gotten into you? Are you trying to be insulting?"

"Insulting?" he asked innocently. "I was just..."

"Making a joke?" B'Elanna finished. "When are you going to learn that some things just aren't funny!"

Harry laughed. "Looks like your sense of humor has gotten you into trouble again, Tom."

"Nothing wrong with my sense of humor," he answered. "But I'm seriously wondering what's up with everyone elses. Christmas can't come quick enough. It might put you all in a better mood."

"Mood?" B'Elanna retorted. "We're not in a mood. You just don't know where to draw the line sometimes. You never compare women to..."

Kathryn interrupted. "Ok, you two, that's enough. Mr Paris, you might want to think a little before you speak. If you don't, you might well find that you're the dog in the dog house. Ms Torres, let's remember that Christmas is the season of good will to _all_ men."

"You're right, Captain," B'Elanna said. "But I'm warning you, Tom. Any more gibes and you'll have my bat'leth to answer to!"

Harry spoke, crumbs around his mouth. "These mince pies truly are good," he said. "Mind if I have another?"

"Help yourself," Kathryn smiled. Then, seeing that Tuvok hadn't taken one, Kathryn presented him with the plate. "Tuvok?"

Tuvok politely, though somewhat reluctantly, took one. "Thank you, Captain."

"I hear you're going as a cowboy tonight, Commander," Neelix said to Chakotay. "I hope you'll have a horse. Cowboys always do, don't they?"

"A horse?" B'Elanna exclaimed. "Where would Chakotay get a horse?"

"A holo-horse, Lieutenant," Neelix explained. "The fancy dress ball will be in the holodeck. Anything is possible!"

"Well," Chakotay said, "let me assure you that I will not be riding a horse...holographic or otherwise."

"Oh, but you must, Commander. Think of the thrill it will give Naomi!"

B'Elanna spoke again. "While it neighs and tramples over all of us? I don't think so. And you're forgetting the rules. All costumes must be organic not holographic."

"Rules can be excepted," he argued.

"Of course they can," Tom agreed. "They will be for The Doctor, right? Come on, Chakotay. What good's a cowboy without a horse?"

B'Elanna answered. "As good as a Christmas cracker that can't be pulled."

Tom smiled. "Oh, I can be pulled. It just takes Klingon blood."

"Maybe Chakotay doesn't like horses," Harry reasoned. "I can't say I do. I mean, they're ok to look at but I wouldn't want to ride one. I tried once and got thrown off. That was enough for me."

"For my sister too," Kathryn declared. "But I'll have you know that Chakotay is a fine rider. He can even ride bareback."

"Really?" Tom said. "Then what's the problem?"

Knowing that Chakotay just didn't like being the center of attention, and being seated on a holographic horse would certainly put him in the spotlight, Kathryn answered on his behalf. "Rules, Mr Paris. If anyone must obey them, our First Officer must. Now, as I'm sure there is somewhere else you'd all rather be, let's get down to business."

"For once, I don't think we have any," B'Elanna responded. "At least, I have nothing to report. Things have been quiet lately."

"Too quiet," Seven declared. "I have more time than I desire to myself and the crew is becoming idle. I suggest we discuss a project. One that will involve every single crewmember."

"Like what?" Tom said. "Painting Voyager's corridors?"

"A notion not entirely without merit," Seven answered. "While appearance is irrelevant to function, it is not irrelevant to productivity in the case of humanoids. Voyager is the crews' home now. Making the corridors more homely will aid that acceptance. I suggest the color white."

Kathryn spoke. "Our corridors are fine as they are. And don't worry, Seven. In this quadrant, drama is never far away. Before you know it, we'll be in the thick of action again."

"Just not too much action, I hope," Neelix said. "Being kept on one's toes is one thing, being thrown about while you're making Leola Root stew quite another."

"What about the rest of you?" Kathryn asked, finally sitting. "Anything to report?"

"Negative," Tuvok answered.

"Same here," Tom said. "Harry?"

"Nothing," he declared. "The most exciting thing that's happened to me all week is beating Megan Delaney at tennis and that's hardly ship business."

Kathryn turned to Seven. "Seven?"

"Negative," she answered.

Kathryn then asked Chakotay. "I guess that just leaves you, Commander. Anything you'd like to say?"

"Nothing," he smiled. "Except I hope you all have a good time tonight. A party is long overdue."

"It certainly is," B'Elanna agreed.

"What are you going as, Captain?" Harry asked.

"An Indian," she answered. "Chakotay and I thought we'd reverse our theme from last year."

Tom smiled. "I'm not sure what I'm looking forward to most...seeing you as an Indian or Chakotay as a cowboy."

"Well," Harry teased, "you can't be looking forward to that half as much as I am to seeing you as a Christmas cracker."

"Nor me," B'Elanna laughed.

"What about you, Tuvok?" Tom asked. "What are you going as?"

"I will be working," Tuvok answered. "The bridge must be staffed at all times."

"Then you, Seven?"

"I too will be working," she told him. "I do not see the point in pretending to be someone or something I am not."

"The point is fun," B'Elanna declared. "You should try it some time."

Seven was about to reply when The Doctor spoke over the comm. "The Doctor to Seven of Nine. Please report to sickbay immediately."

Seven gladly obliged. "I am on my way, Doctor." Then, as the connection terminated, she got to her feet and addressed B'Elanna. "We will have to continue our discussion another time."

"Let's just skip it," B'Elanna answered. "I'm really not that interested in the Borg's definition of fun."

"As you wish," Seven replied. She then turned to Kathryn. "Permission to leave."

"Granted," Kathryn said.

Seven then left and the door closed behind her. As it did, Harry spoke. "Did you have to be like that, B'Elanna? Can't you give her a break? She's trying really hard to fit in."

"Not hard enough," B'Elanna retorted.

"But don't be so hard on her all the time. Cut her some slack."

"I've made plenty of allowances, Harry. Sometimes she just...she gets up my nose."

Chakotay spoke now. "If none of us have anything to report, I suggest we call it a day. Right, Captain?"

"Right," she answered. "But before you all leave, I too would like to wish you all a good time tonight."

"Thank you, Captain," B'Elanna smiled. "We hope you have one too."

"We certainly do," Harry added. " We all need to let our hair down once in a while. Even captains."

"Except our captain doesn't have long hair to let down these days," Tom teased. "But I guess you will tonight, right, Captain? I mean, Indian women always had long hair. At least in ancient movies."

"Oh," B'Elanna exclaimed. "You and your ancient movies!"

"I will," Kathryn smiled. "In fact, I'm off to the holo-salon now to have my hair done. I just can't abide wigs."

"Now?" B'Elanna asked. "But I was planning on going. I promised Neelix I'd help with all the preps and I won't have time to get my hair done after that."

"Then by all means you go before me," Kathryn declared.

"Really? Oh, thank you, Captain."

"You're welcome. Now, if that's everything, you're all dismissed."

At that, everyone, except Chakotay, left. As the doors shut, Kathryn turned to him. "Staying for my mince pies, Commander?"

"Actually, yes," he smiled. "Good food should never go to waste and these are good. I really am impressed."

"Thank you, Sir."

"Next you'll be cooking a three course meal."

"Hardly," Kathryn laughed. "Neelix wasn't quite being honest in saying I only had a little help. I had a _lot_ of help. I don't know what it is about me and cooking, but I just can't get it beat."

"Well, you have today. I don't think I've ever had a nicer mince pie."

"That's because you haven't sampled my Aunt Martha's. Oh, she's a fabulous cook. Croissants, soufflés, paellas... you name it. There's nothing she can't turn her hand to." Kathryn then paused sadly. "I wish she was here now. Or rather, I wish we were home. Christmas it's...it's a time for family. No matter how many fancy dress balls we hold, or how many Christmas dinner's we host in the mess hall, they won't make up for the separation."

"No," Chakotay answered. "I know Christmas is a difficult time for all who celebrate. But we've all become a family too and the celebrations always remind us of that."

"Yes. The joy and the laughter, the genuine Christmas cheer, they always warm my heart. But still..."

Chakotay finished the sentence. "It's not the same."

"No," she confessed. "I miss my family, more with every passing year, and I know the crew miss theirs. Ironic, in a way, because those family Christmas dinners are often something you do out of obligation rather than want...at least, that's always been the case for me. But when you can't be there, when the choice has been taken away, then...then I suppose it's a case of not missing what you had until it's gone."

"I understand. I feel the same way. For years I returned to Trebus to be with my family on important occasions, often reluctantly as the traditions just didn't mean much to me, but now...now I would give anything to be there."

At this, tears filled Kathryn's eyes. There was every hope that someday Voyager would get home, that maybe by next Christmas she and the crew would be celebrating with their families, but Chakotay would never see his family again. At least not in this life or in this timeline. Even if, in another timeline, his family didn't die, that they survived the attack on their homeworld, the Chakotay of that new timeline would not be this one. History could be changed, the present and the future too, but erasing a timeline from existence could never ease the pain of those having lived the pain in it.

Gently, Kathryn reached out and took his hand in hers. "If I could do that for you, I would. But I'm glad you're here."

Chakotay squeezed her hand and looked deep into her eyes. "Me too."

Then, aware that she was losing herself in his gaze, Kathryn got to her feet. "Well, I'll leave you to my mince pies. Take the lot if you want. No one else will be wanting them...well, no one except Harry. When it comes to cooking, my reputation precedes me and not in a good way."

"I'll gladly take them," Chakotay said. "Thank you."

Kathryn smiled. "You're welcome. See you at 19:00 hours."

Chakotay nodded. "See you then."

Kathryn then turned to leave but, unable to resist a sudden urge, she turned back and reached for a mine pie.

"Just one more," she said, "to keep me fuelled."

Chakotay laughed. "Want a coffee with it?"

Kathryn smiled. "I won't say no."

"Then two coffees coming up."

With that, Chakotay went over to the replicator and Kathryn sat again.

END OF CHAPTER NINETEEN


	20. Chapter 20

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER TWENTY**

Before the mirror in her bathroom, clad in an Indian costume of tan suede dress with matching boots, Kathryn carefully put on a wig of long black hair. By the time B'Elanna had finished at the holo-salon, quite a queue had formed, so Kathryn had chosen the lesser of two evils and decided on a wig. Waiting would not only be a waste of valuable time, but her presence would make those in line uncomfortable. As soon as those in the queue had caught a glimpse of their captain, a silence had descended and slouches had straightened. So, not wanting to spoil their fun, she had walked on past with a smile, pretending she was going elsewhere. A wig was probably a better idea, anyway, even if she did hate wearing them, as it was far more practical. Rather than replicating a sterotypical Indian wig of two black braids, a style she was not convinced would suit her, she replicated a wig that had a central parting, no fringe, and long black hair that fell loose over her shoulders. When the wig was finally in place, Kathryn finished off her costume with a feather headband. Then she stepped back, took a good look at herself from all angles, and then went into the lounge to wait for Chakotay. It was almost 19:00 hours and he was always right on time.

As she waited, Kathryn read through one of several reports that were awaiting her attention, but before she had finished the first page, the door chime played. Guessing it was Chakotay, Kathryn switched off the padd and stood up.

"Come in!"

The doors opened and Chakotay came in. He looked quite the cowboy in a brown hat, white shirt with red bandanna, frilly beige waistcoat, blue jeans, and knee-high brown boots, and Kathryn's heart skipped a beat.

"Oh my," she smiled. "Look at you! Howdy, Sir!"

Kathryn expected Chakotay to laugh, and to say something about her appearance, but all he did was stare.

"But I see the delight is not mutual. What is it? Something wrong with my costume?"

"No," Chakotay answered, "you look...incredible. It's just..."

"What?" Kathryn interrupted. "The dress isn't authentic enough?"

"No, the dress is fine. It's just..." He hesitated with the words. "I had that feeling again. The deja vu."

At this Kathryn tensed. Of course, the black hair. It had triggered a memory...something. How could she have not thought it would? How could she have not even thought of the thought?"

"I see," she said. Then she tried to make light of the incident. "Let's just hope it's not an omen. Temporal anomalies are the last thing I want tonight. Well, not quite the last thing but you get my drift."

"It's more than just a temporal anomaly," Chakotay went on. "I've seen you like this before...I mean the black hair. Just once, in a kind of flashback. But I guess I'm confusing you with someone else."

"Obviously so," Kathryn humored. "Now, shall we be on our way? We don't want to be late."

"Not just yet," he replied. "I want to give you this first." With that, he held up a shimmering silver pouch that she hadn't noticed he was holding. "Here."

Kathryn took the pouch curiously and carefully opened it. Inside was a handmade necklace of pink shells. They were the shells he and she had gathered on a golden beach during their short time of shoreleave the previous summer. They never had got to see the planet's sun rise over a desert, as deserts on that world were dangerously hot, but they'd spent a wonderful afternoon swimming together in an ocean of crystal water. Afterwards they had sat on the sand, resting, snacking, and talking, and it was then they had noticed the shells. There were a lot of them lying on the sand, cast up by the outgoing tide, and they were stunning. Their pink was the color of a rose, their shape was a spiraling cone adorned with intricate patterns, and in the sun they sparkled like glitter. She and Chakotay had collected a lot of them, as many as their empty lunch box would hold, but back on Voyager she had forgotten all about them. Forgotten about them until now.

"Oh, Chakotay," she said, admiring the beautiful necklace as she held it up. "It's amazing. The craftsmanship...just wonderful. Did you make it?"

"I did," he replied. "I've been meaning to do something with the shells for a long time but could never decide quite what. But after we decided on this year's costumes, I knew it had to be a necklace. Shell necklaces are an important part of my culture and heritage. While many tribes used them as barter, my tribe made them only as gifts for family and friends. Traditionally, the shells would be ground by hand into beads, a skill I'm proud to say I was taught, but as these shells are quite spectacular I didn't want to ruin them. So I kept them whole and made what you see."

"And what I see is incredible," Kathryn said, looking up at him. "You truly are talented. Thank you."

Chakotay smiled. "Shall I put it on you?"

Kathryn gave a nod. "Please, Sir."

Chakotay took the necklace from her and carefully slipped it over her head. Then he centred and straightened it.

"Thank you," Kathryn said, admiring the long necklace when it was in place. "And thank you for making this for me. It really is special and I'll cherish it always."

Chakotay smiled and then held out his arm to her. "Ready?"

"I am," Kathryn said, taking his arm. "Let's go, cowboy!"

Chakotay laughed and then, arm in arm, they left.

* * *

><p>At eleven, when the ball was winding down, Kathryn walked with Chakotay back to their quarters.<p>

"I'm so glad everyone had a great time," she said. "That those left are still having a great time. I did too...even though that noise Neelix calls music almost made my head explode."

Chakotay laughed. "Mine too."

"For that reason I was glad to make an early departure, but I'm so not ready to sleep yet. In fact, I feel so awake I could run a gauntlet. Fancy joining me for a hot chocolate? The night might not be young but it's not quite old yet."

"Sure," Chakotay smiled. "I'd love to."

When they reached Kathryn's quarters, she opened the door and then gestured for Chakotay to go inside. He did and she followed.

"Neelix wants to give a prize for the best costume next year," Kathryn said as she made her way over to the replicator, "but I'm not sure that's such a good idea. I mean, there were so many amazing costumes, many handmade, and all deserved a prize. I don't think singling out one or two would be fair, or in the Christmas spirit. What do you think?"

"I agree. Prize giving always results in disappointment...for those who don't win, that is."

"Of course," Kathryn said, manually replicating the hot chocolates, "we might not be in this quadrant next year. Our way home might be just around the corner."

"Let's hope so," Chakotay replied, sitting in a sofa-chair.

As the hot chocolates materialized, Kathryn picked them up and walked over to the sitting area. "Tom was definitely one of the stars of the night, though. I didn't expect him to literally look like a Christmas cracker. How he walked around in that red tube thing I don't know. Oh, and didn't Naomi look adorable? Samantha did a great job. Naomi should give her sewing skills more credit. Comparing them to my cooking skills is definitely an insult."

Chakotay smiled. "I'll make no comment. But I'll say it again. Your mince pies really were a treat."

"Thank you," Kathryn said, handing him a mug. "Who knows, maybe my next batch will turn out as well...but don't hold your breath. Ovens are aliens that like to torment me."

Chakotay laughed.

"I've never understood it, though," she went on, sitting opposite him. "I mean, cooking is a science. I should have it beat."

"Depends on one's point of view. I'd say cooking's an art."

"Then so say I. I've never been great at the arts. My painting's gotten better, but I'll never be a Picasso. You, on the other hand, are an able scientist _and_ a skilled artist."

"Hardly," he said modestly. "I'm good at crafts but I'm no painter. In that way, I consider myself more of an artisan. And you're putting yourself down again. Knitting is an art and you excel at it."

"Maybe you have a point," she smiled. "And I promise I will finish the sweater I'm making you someday. What can I say? Just when I'm getting into it, the ship goes to red alert or I get called somewhere. At a rate of two rows a time, a sweater takes forever."

"I don't doubt it," he laughed. "But I appreciate all your hardwork and really look forward to finally receiving it. Good things come to those who wait."

"Yes," Kathryn replied. "But sometimes..." she hesitated with the words, fixed her eyes on her drink. "Sometimes a wait can be too long."

Understanding that she was no longer talking about the sweater, Chakotay put down his drink. "Go on."

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes and, after placing her mug on the table, she got to her feet and went over to the window. "What happened...that night after our crash...I lied. I said I...I said I didn't have feelings for you, that my heart was Mark's, but...but the truth is I was scared. I do love you. I want you to know that. I think, maybe, you do. But I...there are...were...so many conflicts."

"I understand," Chakotay said, going over to her. "Aside from the complication of our positions, you didn't want to betray Mark." Gently, he placed his hand on her shoulder. "But Mark belongs to someone else now. Our positions are the only barrier and they...they are only a barrier if we make them one."

"I know," Kathryn replied. "I think, sometimes, how unfair all this is on you. And I'm not saying I want a relationship...I'm not saying I don't...I just...I'm just saying that sometimes a wait can be too long." Slowly, tearfully, she turned to him. "Don't wait, Chakotay. Don't wait for me. I'm not worth it."

Tenderly, Chakotay took her hands in his. "How can you say that? You're the most incredible person I've ever known. If there's a hope for us when we get home, I'll wait as long as it takes."

"There is," she said, "a hope. But it's just that. A hope. You once told me that you can't sacrifice the present waiting for a future that might never happen. Don't do it now. There are other women on this ship. You can have your pick."

Chakotay squeezed her hands. "We've had this conversation before. I'm not interested in anyone but you."

"And I can't be yours. Not while we're Captain and First Officer. Don't spend your life alone waiting for me."

"And you? Should you spend your life alone? It isn't necessary, Kathryn. A lot of Starfleet ideals are redundant in this quadrant."

"I know. And I agree. But it's me. I...I can't do it. I can't be your captain and...and more. If things didn't work out then...well, we'd still have to work together."

"Yes. And I believe that we could. Not that I'm saying a relationship wouldn't be a risk, it would, but I think it's a risk worth taking. Our circumstances are...extraordinary. The love we've found in each other a precious gift. With discretion, loyalty, and respect, I believe we can make the personal and professional work."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "I can't, Chakotay. There is so much...I couldn't be what you need."

"I want nothing from you, Kathryn. All I want is the privilege of loving you, of being here for you, of comforting you in difficult times and rejoicing with you in good. I just want to be with you."

"And sex? We've got to be realistic, Chakotay. You're a man and...and you have needs. There are other women on board who...who can be to you what I can't."

"I disagree. Sure, if I wanted casual sex there are women onboard who would gladly oblige, but I'm not that kind of guy. Intimacy means something to me."

Kathryn broke away from him, suddenly, inexplicably, agitated. "That's not what I've heard. According to Seska you're a tiger between the sheets with the appetite of a lion. A woman as small as me will sure leave you hungry!"

These words took Chakotay by surprise and he was a moment in replying. "Seska said a lot of things, Kathryn. Half of them weren't true. I'd like to think you know me better than she ever did or could. You know I don't sleep around."

"I'm not talking about sleeping around."

"Then what are we talking about?"

"About intimacy in a relationship. About your sexual expectations within a relationship."

"I see," he said, beginning to follow her train of thought. "You're afraid I'll want more from you than you can give."

"Won't you?"

Chakotay closed the gap between them and put his hand on her shoulder. "I know how hard you work, Kathryn. I know you have precious little time to yourself. And for those reasons I know we could not be intimate as often as we would like. But that would make those times we are intimate all the more special." Tenderly, he brushed his fingers against her cheek. "I told you on New Earth and I'll tell you again. To me, your needs will always come first. That's what love is."

At these words, Kathryn found herself weeping. Weeping at the reassurance, weeping at the joy, weeping for the pain and the loneliness that still hurt her heart. Weeping and yet dancing...dancing for the love, for the hope, and for the light both shone in the suffocating darkness. Slowly, she leant into his strong body and Chakotay wrapped his arms around her.

"I told you also that I want always to make your burdens lighter. I know you have many. I know you spread yourself so thin that there's little left of you. Let me be a rock you can cling too, a harbor from the storm. Let me be all that regardless of whether we have a relationship or not. You isolate yourself too much, Kathryn. You deny yourself too much. You can't be the captain every moment of every day. You need to be just Kathryn sometimes."

"I know," Kathryn said quietly. "And with you I am. Our ranks they...they just fade away. But I'm scared, Chakotay. I'm scared of not being enough for you and yet of being too much. There is so much darkness inside me. I don't want that blackness to darken your world."

Chakotay gently drew her away from him. "You light up my world, Kathryn. After the Cardassian massacre my world was as black and smoking as my home planet. I felt dead inside, numb, and yet so much pain that my soul was screaming. Nothing could ease the agony. Torching my lodge, freedom fighting, nothing. They helped vent my anger but they didn't stop the hurt. I wished I was dead. Wished I had died with my family. All that kept me going was hunger for revenge, the desire to avenge their deaths and make the Cardassians pay. But then we got pulled into this quadrant and you came into my life. You dazzled me with your courage, your wisdom, and your beauty, and my world wasn't dark anymore. You were the light that lit it up. The light and the joy. I thank the gods for you, Kathryn."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek and she took his hand in hers. "I thank them for you."

"And I will always be here for you, Kathryn. Whatever the future holds...for us and for this crew...I will always be here."

As she looked into his eyes, his kind, loving, eyes, Kathryn didn't doubt it. And, as she looked into them, she felt his love strengthening her, filling her with courage. That battle on two fronts, maybe it could be won. If anything could win it, love could. Love, so it was said, could conquer all. And, in that moment, she believed it. Believed it with all her heart.

"You're not alone," he went on. "We have our differences, and I don't always agree with you, but you're not alone."

"I know," Kathryn said, remembering that argument she'd rather forget. "I do know that. You're...you're an incredible support, an incredible First Officer. But I want...I want more. I want us to try...I'd like us to try."

Chakotay's eyes brightened. "Are you saying...?"

Kathryn nodded. "I'd like us to be together. I know it won't be easy, but the way we're living now...it's hard. And you're right. Our love it's...it's a precious gift. A gift I want to share with you."

Chakotay squeezed her hand, tears in his eyes. "And I with you."

Kathryn then wrapped her arms around his neck. "Stay, Chakotay. Stay tonight."

At this, Chakotay hesitated. While there was nothing he wanted more, he didn't think she was ready. But he knew how hard it was for her to talk about her feelings, even to admit them, and he didn't want to blow things like he had last time. This was a second chance. There might not be a third.

"If you're sure, Kathryn," he said. "Once we've crossed that line, there'll be no going back."

"I am. I don't think I've ever been surer of anything. We've let that line divide us far too long."

Seeing certainty in her eyes, Chakotay kissed her hand. "Then it will be my privilege to stay."

Kathryn smiled, tears in her eyes, and then slowly, gently, raised her lips to his. As their lips touched, kissing softly, Chakotay slipped his arms around her. The magic that had always been between them was still there, and Kathryn felt her soul soar, flying from the darkness into the light. The light of love. The love she felt with every kiss of Chakotay's lips, every caress of his hands. Never did she want this moment to end. Never would she end it. The light was so warm, so peaceful, and she wanted to bask in it always.

But then Chakotay drew away, drew away but held her still. Held her and gazed at her. And then...

And then he was looking at her hair.

The black still bothered him. Why, Chakotay didn't know, but it did. Bothered and unsettled him, like he was looking at a picture he wasn't understanding. Several times over the course of the night he had felt that profoundly. When Kathryn had danced with The Doctor, gliding gracefully around the room, he had seen another Kathryn in his mind. Seen the Kathryn of his dream, that beautiful dream in which they had spent the day at his lodge and she had danced for him on the beach. Seen her and not seen her. For this time her hair was black. Long and black. But it had to be a trick of the mind. A glitch caused by a broken memory. But still...still the black unsettled him.

Seeing the way Chakotay was looking at her wig, Kathryn stepped away from him and pulled it off. "How about," she said, "we grab ourselves a bottle of champagne and freshen ourselves up with a hot, bubbly, bath? My tub's big enough for two."

At this, Chakotay forgot about her hair and smiled. "Sounds wonderful."

Kathryn smiled back. "Then get yourself into a robe and I'll get everything ready."

With that, she squeezed his arm and made her way into the bathroom.

* * *

><p>As her tub filled with warm, soapy, water, Kathryn undressed beside it. Her precious necklace she placed carefully on a shelf, and her costume she placed with a pile of other clothes that were waiting to be recycled. But, alone with her thoughts in an empty room, doubts began to plague her. Doubts about what had been said, doubts about what was to come. Doubts that woke her fears. The fears that had haunted her for too long. Could she really fight a battle on two fronts and win? Should she even try? A relationship between a Captain and First Officer in their circumstance would be difficult at the best of times, when that Captain had her problems it would be all the more complicated.<p>

Her problems.

One problem.

A problem that Chakotay knew nothing about. It could stay that way. If he didn't know of it, then he wouldn't have to be touched by it. Touched and tainted. The problem, if not acknowledged, did not have to exist. And, after tonight, it would not exist. If she could sleep with him without being drunk, sleep with him and enjoy it as much as she did kissing him, then the problem would be gone forever. And she would enjoy it, every instinct told her so. If any man could be the tender lover of her dreams, the tender lover who would kiss and caress the hurt away, it was Chakotay. He was the gentlest man she had ever known. Gentle and yet so strong. But that strength he would use to protect her. Never would he hurt her. Of that she was sure. And yet...

And yet it was hard to trust.

Hard to trust him completely and absolutely.

Hard to trust his desire.

_A tiger between the sheets with the appetite of a lion._

She was afraid of that chimera. Afraid of surrendering to it. Afraid she could not surrender body _and_ mind.

But she would. With Chakotay she could. To Chakotay she could yield her body without making drunk her mind. With him she could set her mind free. Free of the prison it had been in for so long.

Free.

And yet...

And yet a couple of glasses of champagne, real not synthesol, could do no harm. They would loosen her up and...

But no.

She would do this without alcohol. Love did not need it. Love would conquer all.

Finally undressed, she slipped on a white robe and then lit scented candles that were scattered throughout the room. A bubbly bath to candlelight and classical music was one of the few luxuries she allowed herself. Then she replicated a bottle of synthesol champagne and placed it, along with two replicated glasses, at the edge of the bath. Just as she was doing that, the door to the room opened and Chakotay came in. He was wrapped in a black robe and, in the dim light, took Kathryn's breath away.

"Very cozy," he smiled.

Kathryn smiled in return and then gestured to the bath. "All yours, Sir."

But instead of taking off his robe and climbing into the bath, as Kathryn expected, he closed the gap between them.

"And this is for you."

From behind his back he presented a red rose.

"Oh," Kathryn said, taking the rose with delight, "how lovely...thank you."

Chakotay smiled, dimples showing, and watched with pleasure as she breathed in the flower's sweet scent. Then he stepped away and began to take off his robe. As he did, Kathryn watched him. Watched him from behind the flower. Never had she seen him naked before. Half naked, many times, but never totally naked. As his robe came off, she felt a panic grip her, but when her eyes fell on his well toned body, his bronze body that gleamed like marble in the dancing candlelight, her fear turned to flutters of desire. He truly was a magnificent man, magnetic and hypnotic. In wonder, her eyes roamed from his chest to his abdomen and then...and then to his manhood. At the sight of it she tensed, fear returning, but then Chakotay turned away to put his robe up on a hook. Kathryn took a deep breath to calm herself, and as he turned back to her, she hoped he wouldn't notice her jitters. To her relief, he didn't. He just smiled, a gorgeous smile that banished the darkness closing in around her, and held out his hand to her. Kathryn smiled back, walked over to him, and took his hand in hers. With his other arm he drew her body against his and gazed into her eyes.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you," Kathryn whispered.

Chakotay then lowered his lips to hers and kissed her softly. Kathryn kissed him back and the rose in her hand fell to the floor as she slipped her arms around his neck.

* * *

><p>After they had enjoyed a long soak in the bath, Chakotay climbed out of the tub and wrapped a soft blue towel around himself. Then he opened it to Kathryn and she stepped into it. Chakotay enveloped it around her and tenderly began to dry her. As he did, Kathryn lost all sense of time and place, and then, before she knew it, they were kissing again. Kissing softly at first but then with rising passion. Sensually and skillfully Chakotay's hands explored her naked body, evoking sensations she had never before felt at a man's touch, even though she had been touched by many, and she gasped in ecstasy. Then Chakotay swept her up in his arms and carried her through into her bedroom. The lights were low, the bed inviting, and Chakotay lowered her onto it. But then, as he lay over her, his strong body pressing against hers, it happened again.<p>

The horror.

The flashback.

Not like before, not as intensely, but a frightening helplessness overcame her, a terrifying feeling of suffocation, a dread that made her want to scream.

And then...

And then she was crying.

Gently, Chakotay drew away from her and looked down at her. "Kathryn?"

"I'm sorry," she wept, turning on her side. "I can't, I..."

Chakotay took her hand in his and kissed it. He'd half expected this. Half expected her to change her mind. As with everything, she was pushing too far too soon. They needed time to adjust to new parameters.

"It's ok," he said. "We don't have to. Let's just cuddle."

With that, he lay beside her, pulled the covers over them, and spooned her in his arms. Kathryn made no protest, she couldn't. Her strength was gone. Evaporated like her passion. And, while she wanted to fly a million light years away from the pain and the shame, she also wanted to be held. Needed to be held. Needed to be comforted. She felt dead inside, empty. A failure. Why did it keep happening? Why did she have to keep reliving that horror from so long ago with every man she loved? Why would it not leave her alone? Other women who had suffered it had got over it. They hadn't let it destroy their lives the way she had let it destroy hers. Why could she not be like them? And yet...

And yet she was not alone.

Other women touched by the same horror had never been able to be intimate again. Some had even killed themselves. If not by their own hands, by falling into a downward spiral of drugs and drink.

She was alive, and she was in the arms of the man she loved. She wasn't doing too bad.

Not too bad.

But not good enough.

That battle on two fronts, it could not be won. Voyager was not the place to fight the demons from her past. She knew that. Experienced had taught her that. So why had she tried to fight it? It was a battle that would have to wait until they got home.

If they got home.

But they would. She wouldn't start doubting that. Not now.

"Don't cry," Chakotay whispered. "Please. Everything's ok."

"It isn't," she said tearfully. " I can't do this, Chakotay...any of it. We're Captain and First Officer and...and I can't, I can't."

Painful sobs wracked her body and brought tears to Chakotay's eyes. He wanted them to be together, wanted that more than anything, but not at this price. Not if them being together caused Kathryn this hurt. Not if it made her feel conflicted, guilty and ashamed. Not if their love was another burden she must carry. He loved her too much.

"Then we'll go back to how things were," he said. "I don't want our love to be a burden to you. I don't want it to be a shameful secret." Tenderly, he kissed her hair. "But we'll go back to how things were tomorrow. Tonight, if you want, I'll stay. Stay and hold you."

Kathryn nodded against him. "I'd like that."

Chakotay kissed her again. "Then I'm here."

Kathryn linked her hand with his and, in the tender comfort of his embrace, her tears eased. In his arms she truly did feel safe.

Warmth. Safety. Love.

And yet...

And yet sorrow.

Sorrow for what could have been, for what could not be, for what might never be. Sorrow for Chakotay. He deserved better than this. He deserved a woman who didn't blow hot and cold. A woman who could give him her heart and never take it back. A woman who could meet all his needs. He didn't deserve a woman who only ever gave half her heart.

_You've only ever opened the door halfway for him and that leaves him with one foot in and one foot out. That's no place to be._

In the silence, Holly's words drifted back to her. They were as true for Chakotay as they had been for Mark.

Mark.

He was happy now. He had a new wife, a baby on the way...had the life he deserved. And she was glad for him. Glad that, after the pain of losing her, he had found happiness again.

Glad for him, sorry for herself.

Sorry that she had stood in his way. If he'd never loved her, if they'd never been a couple, maybe he'd have found happiness sooner.

And now she was standing in Chakotay's way. Because of his love for her, he wouldn't look at any other woman on the ship. Not Emmy Jakes, not Nicola Weston, not any one. And it wasn't fair. It was cruel even. Cruel to hold onto his heart but to never give him use of hers.

But no more.

For four years they had danced this dance. Had waltzed close to the line but then waltzed away. It was time to bow out. Time to stop the music and close the curtain. Then the show would be over.

He would be free.

Free to love someone else.

Free of the charade.

Free.

Happy.

But for tonight he was hers. Just hers. And, while her heart was breaking, she would not cry for the pain. Not tonight. Tomorrow would be the time for tears. Tonight she would just cherish the closeness of the man she loved and sleep in his arms.

* * *

><p>Morning.<p>

A bleeping alarm declared it.

Stirring awake, Kathryn commanded silence, and then...

And then she remembered everything about the night before.

Chakotay. The bath. Her bed.

Her empty bed.

Chakotay was gone.

Gone, but where he had lain was still warm. Tenderly, Kathryn touched the patch, caressed it almost, and then lay upon it. Lay where he had lain, lay her head where his had dented the pillow.

Lay and wept.

But then the bedroom door opened and Chakotay appeared. He wasn't gone after all, wasn't even dressed, he was just awake. Awake, in his robe, and carrying two cups of coffee. When he saw her, he stopped walking and spoke. Just one word, just her name.

"Kathryn."

Ashamed to be caught crying, Kathryn sat up and dried her eyes.

"Hi," she said. Then, wanting to distract him, she referred to the coffees. "Is that a coffee for me?"

"Yes," Chakotay replied, resuming his walk. "Black, just as you like it, but decaff."

"Ohhh," Kathryn groaned. "Decaff? In the morning? How ever will I wake up?"

"As a rule, by going to bed at a reasonable hour," he said, handing her a cup. "You work too long into the night."

"The only time I'm guaranteed not to be interrupted. No, rephrase that. The time I'm least likely to be interrupted."

"Still," Chakotay said, sitting on the edge of the bed. "You work too hard. So hard I worry about you."

"There's no need, I'm fine." Fresh tears then filled her eyes. "No...who am I kidding? I'm not fine. _We're_ not fine. We're...we're a mess."

"Yes," he agreed sadly.

"A mess we've got to clear up."

"I thought we did," he answered. "Last night."

"We didn't, not fully. There are still...still pieces on the floor. Pieces of our hearts. We've got to pick them up and try to put our hearts back together again. We're not meant to be, Chakotay. I want you to accept that. Want you to move on and date other women."

"That's asking too much, Kathryn," he said honestly. "I don't want anyone but you."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "But I can't be yours, Chakotay. Not while we're in a command structure. Not while...maybe never. You've got to move on with your life."

Chakotay put down his coffee and put his hand on her shoulder. "I'll wait, Kathryn. I meant what I said last night. I'll wait as long as it takes."

"And I meant what I said. I don't want you to. In fact, I insist that you don't. If we're both still single when we get home then...who knows. But in the meantime you've got to live your life. I want you to live your life. I want you to give other women a chance. A relationship between us is out of the question so it has to stop being a question."

Chakotay said nothing, just withdrew his hand and averted his eyes.

"I know it won't be easy," Kathryn went on, "but we have to resolve things one way or another. For too long we've played rally with our hearts. It has to stop...for both our sakes."

Chakotay knew she was right. They couldn't go on as they were. A resolution had to be reached. In those poetical words that had echoed down the centuries, they had to decide whether they were to be or not to be. And, last night, the answer had been clear. They were not to be. Not on Voyager. Perhaps never. As hard as it was, he had to accept that. Had to let go of the hope. Had to let go of Kathryn. He didn't know if he could, didn't even know how to begin, but somehow he had to try.

"You're right," he said, looking up at her with tears in his eyes. "We have to have closure. We have to know where we stand. But I'll always love you, Kathryn. And it's because I love you that I'll let you go."

Tearfully, Kathryn reached out and put her hand to his cheek. "Ditto."

Chakotay closed his wet eyes and put his hand over hers, holding it against his cheek. Then he kissed her palm, holding the kiss a long time. As he did, Kathryn wanted to hug him, wanted to hold him tight and never let him go, but she did not.

Then Chakotay, pale and strained, got to his feet. "Well, I...I'd better replicate myself a uniform and get dressed. I'm due on the bridge."

"Take the day off," Kathryn told him. "You've earned it and...and I think we could both do with some space."

Chakotay didn't argue. He just obliged her. "Ok. I'll...I'll do that."

"But I want to thank you," Kathryn went on, "for...for your understanding last night. For...being there."

Chakotay's eyes met hers. "I promised you I always will be, Kathryn. And I will."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "And I for you...remember that."

Chakotay nodded and then...

And then he was gone.

END OF CHAPTER TWENTY


	21. Chapter 21

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER TWENTY ONE**

NOVEMBER, 2377

Sickbay was quiet when Kathryn arrived there. Only The Doctor was present, clearing up after his last patient, and his humming was the only sound in the room.

"Ah, Captain," he said when he saw her enter. "Good evening. How may I help you?"

"That's for you to tell me," Kathryn answered.

At this, The Doctor made his way over to her. "I see," he said in concern. "You are unwell. And, for you to complain, it must be serious. What are your symptoms?"

"Not that serious, Doctor. Just pains of the female kind. I have bad menstrual cramps...far worse than normal...and heavy bleeding too. I've taken painkillers but they haven't helped much."

"That's because any old painkillers won't do," The Doctor declared. "A specific complaint needs specific medication. That's why you should always come to me for a prescription."

"They're just period pains," Kathryn argued. "Regular painkillers should..." But she couldn't finish her sentence as crippling cramps silenced her. All she could do was clutch her abdomen and wait for the agony to pass.

"Please, lie down," The Doctor said, helping her onto a biobed. "I will examine you. While menstrual symptoms can vary from month to month, it is quite unusual for them to suddenly become severe. Becoming so suggests an underlying problem."

"Such as?" Kathryn asked as she lay on her back.

"We'll soon find out."

With that, The Doctor picked up his tricorder, switched it on, and then scanned her.

"As I suspected," he said as he finished, "you're not suffering from menstrual pains. I'm afraid to say you're..."

"What?" Kathryn asked as he hesitated.

"Suffering a miscarriage," The Doctor answered sadly.

For a long moment Kathryn just stared at him. A miscarriage? A pregnancy? But how?

Then the answer hit her.

Jaffen.

"You were approximately five weeks pregnant," The Doctor continued, "but your body has rejected the embryo due to abnormalities. Humans and Norvalens are not reproductively compatible. I'm sorry."

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes as the reality sank in. Pregnant. She had been pregnant. Pregnant and had not known. Even though she'd spent the last six weeks trying to forget Jaffen and Quarren, to come to terms with an experience that had opened up old wounds and inflicted new ones, she could only feel pain at this news. For so many years she had longed for a child, longed to conceive a new life and feel it grow inside her, but always it had seemed an impossible dream. Now that dream had almost come true.

Almost.

The story of her life.

Just when anything good seemed to be within reach, the cruel hand of fate snatched it away.

Snatched it and left her yearning.

Yearning and hurting.

"We can," The Doctor went on, "wait for nature to take its course, which will take anything from days to weeks, or we can opt for surgical completion. As you are in pain, and suffering heavy bleeding, I recommend surgery. The procedure is routine and you will be able to resume normal activity within hours."

Kathryn closed her stinging eyes. "Then...we'll do that," she said quietly.

The Doctor reached for a hypospray and prepared it. "I really am sorry, Captain," he said when it was ready. "I know this pregnancy was not planned, and you are hardly in a position to have a baby, but every life is special and...I'm sorry."

His words of sympathy just hurt her more so Kathryn brushed them off. "Just...just get on with it, Doctor," she urged. "Please..."

The Doctor nodded. "Very well, Captain."

He then put the hypospray to her neck and all went black.

* * *

><p>Alone in the mess hall at midnight, Kathryn sat before a window of streaming stars, a cup of hot chocolate in her hands. The Doctor had told her to rest, even to take a couple of days off to recover, but Kathryn didn't want to rest. Rest just made her think. Think like she was doing now. Think about things she didn't want to think about. Think about her life, about the course it had taken, about the course it would take, and about the mistakes she had made. There were so many. If only she hadn't dated Neal; if only she and Justin hadn't gone on that test flight; if only she hadn't shut out Mark; if only she hadn't got Voyager stranded; if only she hadn't messed things up with Chakotay so many times...<p>

Chakotay.

Nothing had been the same between them since that night of the fancy dress ball. They were still friends, still comrades, but there was a distance between them that had never been there before. Chakotay was more guarded in what he said and did, no longer taking the liberties he had done in the past, and she was more reserved. They still enjoyed each others company, but getting so close to the line had pushed them further away from it than ever. For so long they had settled at that distance, made their peace with that gap, but now...now it seemed they were drifting further away again. Since Quarren they had only dined together twice and those meals had been strained.

Strained because of her.

Different because of her.

Different because she was different.

Different because of Jaffen.

Even after all these weeks she hadn't come to terms with what had happened. Not completely. Perhaps, after today, she never would. No doubt Chakotay put the change in her down to losing Jaffen, to a broken heart, but he couldn't be more wrong. While she'd loved Jaffen under mind control, she didn't love him now. How could she? She'd never loved him in the first place. Not of her own free will. She was a different Kathryn when she fell in love with him. A Kathryn who had not lived her life. He was just...just a memory. A memory she wished she didn't have. A lover she wished she didn't remember. While most of her time on that planet was shrouded in mist, lost to memory, some scenes were ingrained. Some scenes of intimacy. In those scenes she could feel his body next to hers, feel his lips and hands caress her body, feel him move inside her, feel the pleasure. Just seconds, just flashbacks, but she felt it. Felt the pleasure. A pleasure she had never known before. A pleasure she wished she did not know. Not that way. It felt...it felt like another violation. Rape of a different kind. Only Jaffen was not to blame. He'd had no idea about the mind control. His love for her had been genuine. It was those who had altered her memories that were to blame. Those who had raped her of her identity. But it was not them she remembered. It was Jaffen. It was his hands, his lips, his body, his face. And the memories made her feel sick. All she could do was hope she would forget them. That, in time, she would remember Jaffen only like she did those other men she had slept with. Men who were just a blur in her mind.

So many men.

So many bodies.

What was one more?

A reminder of what could have been. When she was that Kathryn, that Kathryn who did not remember her life, she had been normal. She had given her heart to a man, her body and her soul, and had made a home with him. Never had she done that as herself. Never had she made a home with a man. But when she was someone else, a woman untainted by the taint, she had lived the life she could have lived had she never met Neal. The life she wanted to live. The woman she wanted to be. Jaffen was a painful reminder of the innocence she had lost.

A reminder and the father of her child.

The child she desperately wanted. The child that had lived and died inside her. The child she would never know.

And it hurt. It hurt so much that she could not let herself feel the pain. Not on Voyager. All she could do was suppress it. Bury it deep inside where she buried so many pains from the past.

Life was cruel.

Life was a brutal road of thorns and she was tired of being pricked.

Tired of the splinters.

Tired of the bleeding.

All she wanted was to sleep. To sleep and never wake up. Then she would be free.

Free of the yearning.

Free of the hurting.

But she could not give in. Could not curl up and die like a wounded animal. A crew was depending on her to get them home. For them she had to live. For them she had to fight.

But she was tired.

Tired of fighting.

Tired of the fight.

And then...

And then someone was speaking.

Chakotay was speaking.

"Burning the midnight oil again, I see."

Kathryn looked up from her drink to find him standing beside her, a glass of water in his right hand.

"Yes," she answered. "But evidently so are you."

"I'm on the late shift."

At this, Kathryn averted her eyes. Who was on what shift had completely slipped her mind. "Of course," she replied quietly.

"And you're on early tomorrow," Chakotay said as he sat opposite her. "Which means you should be resting."

"I can't sleep," she declared. "Besides, I've swapped shifts with Tuvok."

"I see," he answered.

Kathryn gazed sadly into her mug, losing herself in her own world, and Chakotay looked at her in concern. Not only was she pale and drawn, but she seemed to have lost weight. Her cheek bones were more pronounced and her hands were skeletal. While he'd expected it to take time for her to get over what had happened on Quarren, for her feelings for Jaffen to fade as she fully recovered her sense of self, he hadn't expected the incident to hit her this hard. But he'd evidently underestimated the depth of her feelings for Jaffen. Maybe because he wanted to. For if she loved Jaffen, truly and deeply, then it meant she no longer loved him. That he didn't want to accept. Even after all this time he still loved her. Still hoped for a life with her when they got home. His promise to let her go was the one promise to her he had never kept. Because he couldn't let her go. Every part of him protested. Every part of him refused. As long as there was a hope, even just a small one, that they could be together when Voyager got home, he couldn't let her go.

But maybe now he had to.

Maybe now he had to accept that they were not meant to be.

Accept it once and for all. Love, when loving alone, would never be loved back. Kathryn had loved him once, of that he felt sure, but he couldn't help wonder if she'd ever loved him as much as he loved her. His heart hoped so, but his mind doubted it. Mark, he believed, she really wanted. They'd been engaged when Voyager got stranded and, for Kathryn to have wanted to marry him, she must have loved him very much. Kathryn was not one to give her heart lightly. It was only natural, therefore, that a part of her still loved him. That a part of her had never stopped. That a part of her still wanted him.

And yet...

And yet she had come to terms with their separation quickly. It had been so easy to forget that she was an engaged woman because she had seemed to forget it. From the very start a chemistry had been between them, a magic he had never felt with anyone else, and she had flirted with him as much as he had flirted with her. Even in that out of time experience of not so very long ago, that Kathryn of seven years ago had flirted with him. It was almost as though that Kathryn was not engaged. A woman, deeply in love and looking forward to her wedding, would not wonder how close she would get to a stranger. Much less one she was meant to be capturing. It was all so...

All so puzzling.

Confusing.

But his relationship with Kathryn had always been complex. Perhaps it always would be. Or perhaps it was just his feelings that made it so. His holding on to them. If he let them go, if he finally let Kathryn go, then perhaps their relationship would be easier. If she had loved him, loved him as she'd said, she clearly did no more. It was Jaffen she loved now. Jaffen she wanted. She had moved on. It was time he did too.

Time to try.

And he would. From this moment on, he would. He would try to keep his promise.

But he would always be there for her. That promise he would keep too. Whenever she needed him, he would be there. He would be there as her friend and he would be there as her First Officer.

And he had to be there now.

For Kathryn was clearly hurting, clearly in need of help, and no matter how bruised his own heart was, her needs had to come first.

"You know," he said, "it's been a while since we dined together. How about tomorrow? I'll cook us something special."

Kathryn was a long time in answering. She wanted to say yes, wanted to with all her heart, but she was afraid to. Afraid that what was left of her strength would crumble in his presence. With every one else, every one but Tuvok, she could put on an act. Could play the tough captain even when she was feeling vulnerable. But with Chakotay she couldn't. Over the years she had tried, but he had never fallen for the act. He knew when she was weak, knew when she was afraid, knew when she was hurting. He didn't always know the reason, and of her darkest demons he didn't have a clue, but he knew when she was in pain. Knew and tried to help.

Help.

She needed help. Needed comfort. Needed love.

So desperately needed love.

So desperately needed Chakotay.

Every part of her ached to be in his arms, to be held by him like she had that sacred night she would forever cherish, to be rocked and cradled until all her hurt was gone.

But she didn't belong in his arms. Did not have the right to ask to be there.

Could not be there.

And yet...

And yet if they were alone, in his quarters or hers, and her all too fragile defenses collapsed, then she could end up there.

Could end up there crying.

And that she could not let happen.

Not again.

It was better to avoid him. Better to try and heal her hurt alone. Better to try and bury the pain.

Always bury the pain.

"I...I can't," she said at last. "'I'll be working tomorrow evening. Tuvok's shift doesn't end until 22:00 hours."

"Then how about Friday?"

"I have plans," she lied.

"Then next Wednesday? That was always our day."

Our day.

Those words were all it took. All it took for her defenses to crack. For tears to break through them. Tears that she cursed herself for letting fall and desperately tried to fight. Why did Chakotay always get through her shields? How did he always open her floodgates? All it took was a word, a touch, or even a look. Damn him for that!

And then...

And then Chakotay's hand was on hers, squeezing gently. "Kathryn..."

"I'm ok," she said, withdrawing her hand. "I just...I'm ok."

"You're not, Kathryn," Chakotay insisted. "You're far from ok. You haven't been ok since Quarren. Don't think I haven't noticed. You've lost weight and are isolating yourself more than ever. For the crew you're trying to be strong, but I know that...that inside you're hurting. And you don't have to. If you miss Jaffen this much then...then we can turn this ship around and go back for him. You don't have to be alone. No one expects it. And Jaffen he...well, he wouldn't be your First Officer. There would be no command structure to compromise."

Kathryn's wet eyes returned to her drink. Returned to the milky pool of thought. She was right then. He did put the change in her down to missing Jaffen. It was the logical conclusion. And, while she should be grateful for his understanding and support, she could not help but be unsettled by his words. She liked to think that he was putting her needs before his own, her happiness, just like he'd always promised he would, but a part of her feared his words meant he had stopped loving her. That he no longer cared if she was involved with another man. Once he had cared. Once he had been jealous when an alien had been interested in her. While he had never said anything, had never stood in her way, she had seen the hurt on his face. But now...

Now she didn't know what he felt for her. Sometimes she thought she saw love in his eyes, the same love that had always been there, and sometimes when they touched the chemistry was still there, but other times she just saw and felt the care of a friend.

A friend.

A dear and precious friend.

And yet friendship was not enough. Not for her. She needed so much more. Ached for so much more.

But she had wanted him to move on, had urged him to move on, so if he had she should be grateful. And she was. Even though it hurt, she was. Because the one thing she wanted as much as getting Voyager home was for him to be happy. If he no longer loved her, if he really had moved on, then maybe he would be.

"We can't," she finally said. "Go back. Jaffen is where he belongs and...and so am I. I'm just...I'm going to need time."

Chakotay lowered his eyes and stared into his drink the way she was staring into hers. He was right then. She did love Jaffen. Loved Jaffen and not him anymore.

Time to let go.

"And I don't want to talk about this," Kathryn went on. "I know you mean well, and I'm grateful, but...I don't want to talk about this."

"I think we should," Chakotay said, looking up. "Your happiness and well being is important. If..."

"All that matters to me," she interrupted, "is the happiness and well being of this crew. What I need and want is irrelevant. It always has been and always will be. You, above all people, should know that." Fresh tears filled her eyes. "Please, don't make this harder than it is."

"I just..."

"Worry about me, I know," she interjected again. "But you don't have to. I'll be fine. Now I...I'd better say goodnight."

"There's no need to leave," Chakotay said as she stood. "Finish your drink...please."

"I've lost my taste for it," she answered. "See you tomorrow."

Then, without waiting for a reply, she left.

As she did, Chakotay watched her go. Watched her go as he had so many times in the past. Watched her go with the usual heavy heart. And, as he watched her go, all he could hope was that Voyager would get home soon. Little by little this quadrant was destroying Kathryn. The burdens and responsibilities were destroying her. The loneliness of command. He had changed too, he knew, but his changes he believed were for the better. He was no longer the angry warrior of seven years ago. No longer a grief-stricken man hell bent on revenge for the massacre of his family. While he had not yet found true peace, he was more at peace than he had ever been in his life. Sometimes he was lonely, unbearably so, but his life had a purpose and direction that made it worth living. He was a better man for their journey. A better man for knowing Kathryn.

The same, however, could not be said for her. Seven years ago she was an affectionate, fun loving woman with everything to live for. She had a stellar career, a wonderful fiancé, and a bright future to look forward to. Now she was a withdrawn, lonely woman who lived only to get Voyager home. It was a noble purpose, a worthy cause, but he wanted more for her. He wanted her to be happy. He wanted her to love and be loved. Kathryn was a woman who needed that. A warmhearted, moral woman, who needed and deserved humanoid affection. If they were not to get home soon, if their journey was destined to be longer, he could only hope she would start to make a life for herself on Voyager. That she would find love and happiness during their long journey home. Find someone like Jaffen who was not under her command. Someone who could join Voyager as a civilian.

But if Kathryn needed to start making a life for herself, he knew he had to start making one for himself too. It had never seemed right to date other women when he was still in love with Kathryn, and for that reason he never had, but maybe it was time to try. Dating didn't have to be a declaration of love. It could be just two people coming together to see if there was a spark. If he didn't give other women a chance, didn't try to find a connection with someone else, he would never know if he could.

He would have to try.

Finally, after so many years of holding on, he would have to let Kathryn go.

* * *

><p>A FEW WEEKS LATER<p>

"Hi, Commander," Naomi said to Chakotay as she skipped up to him as he made his way through Voyager's corridors to the cargo bay. "Going to see Seven?"

"As it happens, yes," Chakotay replied.

"On ship business?"

"What else?"

"Personal, perhaps," she declared. "Romantic, perhaps."

Chakotay stopped walking and turned to the impish child. "Seven and I are just comrades."

"Not to her you're not," Naomi answered. "She's in love with you."

At this, Chakotay could only smile. "I hardly think so, Naomi. But I'm flattered _you_ think so."

"I don't think so," she went on. "I know so. Seven told me."

"Then you must have misheard her."

"I didn't. She told me plainly. Or rather, she confessed it when I made her. She's been in love with you for ages. Every time you look at her she gets this look on her face, like she's just stepped into the sun, and when you talk to her she gets all fidgety. Seven never gets fidgety. At least, not unless her cortical node is acting funny. I've told her to ask you out on a date but she won't. She says you don't feel the same. She says you love the captain. But you don't, do you, Commander? I mean, you do love her, like we all do, but not like a boyfriend loves a girlfriend. If you did then you and her would have been married a long time ago. But Seven loves you like a girlfriend does and she wants you to be her boyfriend. Ask her out, Commander. You'll have a great time, I know you will."

Thankfully, Icheb arrived at that moment so Chakotay never had to respond.

"Icheb," he said, turning to the former drone, "I would like a word with you."

Naomi spoke. "If it's about him missing his class this morning, I can explain. We were playing dovenol in the holodeck, a real fast hoverball game, when I fell and cut my head open. We'd forgot to put the safeties on, you see, and I smacked myself against a tree. It hurt real bad, Commander, real bad, and Icheb had to take me to sickbay. That's why he didn't make his class."

"Thank you for the explanation, Miss Wildman," Chakotay said, "but I have already heard it from Icheb. I wish to speak to him about another matter." He then addressed Icheb. "Report to my office at 15:00 hours."

Icheb gave a nod. "Yes, Sir."

Naomi then took Icheb's arm. "Come on, Icheb, let's go to the mess hall."

"But I want to see Seven," he protested.

"You can see her later. The Commander needs to see her first." The half-Katarian then turned back to Chakotay. "Remember what I said, Commander. Ask her."

She then pulled Icheb away and hurried with him down the corridor. As they went, Chakotay resumed his walk to the cargo bay and found Seven there about to regenerate.

"Good afternoon, Commander," she said. "Do you wish to speak to me or are you here for another reason?"

"I'm here to see you," he replied. "We're approaching a region of space that is reported to have high Borg activity and I'd like to know if it belongs to the Borg."

"What you mean is you'd like me to tell you if it belongs to the Borg."

"Yes," he answered.

"Then I'm afraid I will have to disappoint you. While I retain much of the information I assimilated as a drone, I do not retain it all. I don't know who this region of space belongs to. If belongs to the Borg, and I once knew that, I no longer do." She hesitated. "I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize," Chakotay said kindly. "If you don't know, you don't know."

"I desire always to be of use. My knowledge is useful. Without that knowledge I am useless. What is useless is expendable."

Chakotay stepped forward. "Is that how you feel, Seven? Expendable to this crew?"

"At times. I have always strived to fit in, but I still, like a seabird in a desert, feel out of place."

"I'm sorry to hear that. We all think very highly of you and consider you one of us."

"B'Elanna Torres does not think highly of me. She..tolerates...me."

"B'Elanna tolerates a lot of people. Your relationship with her does not speak for your relationship with everyone else. The Captain considers you a friend, The Doctor, Naomi, and Icheb too. Don't think for a moment that you're not cared for."

"But I am still considered Borg by many. No matter how hard I work to recover my humanity, I am still considered Borg." She averted her eyes and lowered her voice. "I am still considered Borg by you."

At this, Chakotay looked at her sadly. His opinion of her was clearly important to her. And, if it was important, then maybe there was some truth in Naomi's words. Maybe Seven did have romantic feelings for him. And if she did then...then he had to tread carefully. Seven was vulnerable and he didn't want to hurt her. There had been enough pain in her life, enough tragedy. If she was attracted to him, if he was the first man she trusted with her heart, then he had to treat it with care. And he would. And that would start with being honest. For he could not deny the truth of her words. To him she had always been an ex-drone, a child locked in an adult's body, the child he had met when they had linked on that fateful day she was severed from the Collective. Always she had been Kathryn's protege and The Doctor's experiment. He had never taken the time to get to know the woman she had become. And, as he stood there looking at her, of that he felt deeply ashamed.

"You're right," he confessed. "To me you have always been Borg. An ex-drone in need of rehabilitation. But I would like that to change. I would like us to become friends."

At this, Seven's face lit up. "You would?"

"Starting from today. So, how about we get to know each other better over a meal tonight?"

Seven smiled, a beautiful smile that Chakotay had never seen her smile before. A smile that warmed his heart and made it skip a beat.

"I...I would like that," she said.

"Then my quarters, 20:00 hours?"

Seven nodded. "I'll be there."

Chakotay smiled now, a smile that took Seven's breath away, and all she could do was gaze at him. Gaze at him with a genuine adoration that he hadn't seen in a woman's eyes for a long time. Too long. And it felt good. The flutters inside as he gazed into hers felt good. And, as he walked away from her and out of the cargo bay, for the first time in years his heavy heart felt a little lighter.

END OF CHAPTER TWENTY ONE


	22. Chapter 22

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER TWENTY TWO**

January, 2378

Home.

Voyager was home.

In a magnificent ball room in one of San Francisco's finest hotels, dressed in a black evening suit, Chakotay watched as his crew celebrated their return with family and friends. Their joy was euphoric, the atmosphere electric, and he felt privileged to be there. Privileged to be Voyager's First Officer. Privileged to have shared the journey. An incredible journey that had crossed a galaxy. A journey that had made history. A journey's end that was big news. Thousands of people had gathered by the Golden Gate Bridge to welcome them home, all cheering and whistling and waving flags, and outside the hotel hundreds of journalists were camped. In the eyes of the Federation they were all heroes, and celebrity status was something they were going to have to get used to.

Most of the attention, however, was on Kathryn, and from the moment they'd disembarked the ship she was in demand. Not only did journalists want to interview her, but Starfleet Officials wanted to speak with her and heads of state wanted to meet her. The family and friends of crew members also wanted to talk to her and she'd hardly had a minute's peace since they got back. She was overwhelmed, he could tell, but also as euphoric as her crew. Never had he seen her as happy and he thanked the gods that finally her mission was over. Now she could reclaim her life, set free the woman she had locked up for so long, and enjoy the years ahead. Never would she become the tragic, yet heroic, admiral who had lived and died to get her crew home. That had always been Kathryn's destiny, he had felt it in his bones, but by an ironic twist of fate, Kathryn herself had changed that. Now the future was a blank page and a different story would be written there. And, as he watched everyone celebrate, he believed that story would have a happy ending. The beginning was certainly promising. He and the other Maquis had been exonerated and Kathryn, for her incredible achievement, had been promoted to Vice-Admiral. It was a welcome promotion and he would never forget the joy and pride on her face when she received it.

"Man!" B'Elanna suddenly exclaimed from behind him. "If I'm told one more time that I should be in bed, I'm going to kill someone!"

Chakotay turned to the half-Klingon, who was dressed in a silver sequined gown that hugged her now slim figure, and smiled. "Good evening to you too, B'Elanna."

"Forget the manners, I'm not in the mood. What is this? The twentieth century? Don't they know women can give birth these days and climb Mount Everest right after?"

"That's something of an exaggeration."

"Maybe, but hell, I feel like I could climb Mount Everest! Who are everyone to confine me to bed?"

"Concerned friends and comrades. And they're right, you should be taking it easy."

"And I am! Do you see me dancing? I've had one round with Tom, that's all! And he's worse than anyone! If I don't take extreme measures we'll be out of here in an hour! And don't tell me he's just being a protective husband and doting father. I've already had the lecture from Sam."

"How is Sam?" Chakotay asked. "Has her husband arrived yet?"

"Not yet, but he's due any moment. In fact, she and Naomi have just left so they can meet with him in private. I'm so glad he never remarried, that they can be a family now."

"Me too," Chakotay said.

"Libby, Harry's old fiancee, is still single too and I don't think it'll be long before they're back together." Feeling thirsty, she picked up a glass of orange juice from a lavish buffet table behind them. "I'm glad the Capt...Admiral's...ex-fiance is married, though. I met him earlier and I can't for the life of me see what she saw in him. He's as interesting as a beansprout! She can do so much better...and closer to home." She turned back to Chakotay. "Tell me it's none of my business, but now that you're not her First Officer, why don't you ask her out?"

At this, Chakotay tensed. Kathryn was a wound that was just starting to heal and he didn't want to open it again. The sore would be too painful. He was with Seven now, although no one but The Doctor knew, and Seven was his future.

"Kathryn and I are just friends," he said.

"And I'm a warp nacelle. Do you think none of us saw the fireworks between you?"

Chakotay took a sip of the wine in his hand. "There was a time," he answered cautiously, "when we had feelings for each other, but we've both moved on."

"To where exactly?"

Chakotay hesitated, but then told her what he felt he had to. "I'm with Seven."

B'Elanna's eyes widened the size of golf balls. "Seven? You're with Seven?"

"That's right."

"But you've never even been friends!"

"No, and I'm sorry for that. But we've got to know each other well lately and I've come to care for her."

"But do you love her?"

Chakotay looked across the room, looked where Kathryn was talking with an admiral. Her hair was long, swept up in a bun just as it had been when they'd first met, and she was wearing a gorgeous gown of yellow satin that sparkled in the light. Her beauty took his breath away, and in his heart an old familiar longing stirred, but he would not let himself feel it. Instead, he persuaded himself that he did not.

"It's early days," he finally replied. "We've just started dating."

"Then you don't," B'Elanna declared. "I didn't think so. She's not your type."

"I don't know what you mean by that," he said, "nor do I care to, but I will ask that you show us some respect. I will also ask that you keep this to yourself for the moment. We don't want everyone to know, not at this stage."

"Of course," B'Elanna answered, somewhat humbled. "I won't say a word. And I'm sorry. I had no right to comment. I just...well, there are people I like better than Seven. But if she makes you happy then...then all the best to you."

Chakotay gave a half-hearted smile. "Thank you, B'Elanna."

The half-Klingon smiled back and then looked over his shoulder. "And here she comes now so I'll make myself scarce. See you later."

Chakotay nodded and then turned around to greet Seven as B'Elanna left. The former drone's long hair was loose over her shoulders and she looked sensational in a strapless gown of red satin. Many eyes were watching her as she crossed the room, but her eyes were only on Chakotay. And, when his eyes met hers, she smiled. Smiled that smile that made him forget the ache in his heart.

"I'm so sorry I'm late," she said when she reached him. "An interview I agreed to took longer than expected."

"It's quite alright," Chakotay smiled. "The party is just starting. And may I say you look amazing."

"Thank you."

"Would you like a drink? There's champagne, wine, juice, water..."

"What are you drinking?"

"White wine...real, not synthesol."

"Then I'll have one too."

Chakotay picked up a glass for her and was just handing it to her when Kathryn approached.

"Seven," she smiled. "I'm so glad you're here at last. But where's your aunt?"

"Talking with The Doctor and Reg Barclay in the foyer."

Chakotay teased. "Maybe one of us should go rescue her."

"No need," Seven answered. "She's a willing captive. I, on the other hand, made my get away."

Chakotay laughed, even though the joke wasn't that funny, and there was something about the way he was looking at Seven that unsettled Kathryn. There was a warmth in his gaze, a sparkle, a joy that she'd never seen before when he looked at her. And, if she wasn't mistaken, that same joy was in Seven's eyes, that same warmth and sparkle. Had it happened already? Had the future spark between them, spoken of by her older self, already been ignited? Were they a couple? Were they in love?

No, it could not be. She was just imagining things. Imagining them because of what her older-self had said. Chakotay had never shown any interest in Seven, so it was unlikely that now, at the very moment of their return, he was suddenly in love with her. They may have fallen in love in the admiral's future, may even have married, but that future was gone. Gone forever. A new future lay ahead, a future that would be completely different, a future that Kathryn was determined to make different. For too long she had been a prisoner of her past. It was time now to set herself free. Time to give Chakotay her heart and never take it back. Time to face her demons. Time to fight that one battle that was left, that one battle on one front, and win. And she would. For Chakotay, and for herself, she would.

"Annika Hansen?"

At the familiar name from an unfamiliar voice, they all turned around. Before them stood a handsome man, with brown hair and blue eyes, and he smiled warmly at Seven.

"I don't suppose you recognize me," he said, "but I'm Zak Travis. I lived next door to your aunt when we were kids."

Seven frowned, clearly not remembering him. "I...I do not recall," she answered honestly.

"I had mutt called Rockwell, a scruffy thing with a big nose, and we'd play with him by the creek. He'd..."

Suddenly remembering, Seven finished his sentence. "Jump in after a stick and then soak us by shaking himself dry..."

"Yes," he laughed.

Seven then smiled and held out her hand to him. "It's good to see you again."

"And you," he said, shaking her hand. "I always hoped we'd meet again. When everyone said you were assimilated and never coming back, I didn't believe it. I told myself you were lost in space instead, lost and trying to find your way home. I wasn't far wrong."

"No," she replied.

The young man then turned to Kathryn and Chakotay. "Admiral, Commander, I'd like to say welcome home."

Kathryn smiled. "Thank you, Sir."

"Now," he said, holding out his hand to Seven. "Will you dance with me?"

Seven hesitated, but when she saw no objection on Chakotay's face, she took his hand. "I'd be honored."

Zak smiled and then led her onto the dancefloor.

"I don't know if it's just me," Kathryn said as she watched them leave, "but Seven seems different somehow. More relaxed."

"Yes," Chakotay agreed. He'd noticed it too. The Seven he had got to know over the last few weeks was not the Seven he had known before. That Seven had been solemn, aloof, and analytical. This Seven was affable, social, and amusing. He thought those were qualities he had missed in her, that he'd never taken the time to see them, but if Kathryn had observed a change too then there had to be one.

"Perhaps she's finally coming into her own," Kathryn went on. "And I'm glad. It's been a long road for her." She paused. "It's been a long road for all of us. A long journey. But it's over now and...and this is a new beginning."

"Yes," Chakotay said. "And I hope you'll make the most of it, starting with a long vacation. You've worked yourself to the bone over the last seven years and deserve some R and R."

"Don't worry," she smiled, "for the next three months it's all play for me. Even if I wanted to work, Admiral Paris wouldn't let me."

"I'm glad to hear it."

"What about you?" she asked, somewhat hesitantly. "What are your plans?"

"Aside from going to Trebus to visit my sister, I don't know."

Kathryn averted her eyes and fidgeted with her fingers. "I'm told it's likely you'll be...offered promotion to captain. Will you...accept?"

Every part of her hoped he would not. While he would make a wonderful captain, and the promotion would greatly advance his career and standing in Starfleet, just the thought of not having him around hurt her heart. Always he had talked of teaching when they got home, of becoming a professor in astro-archaeology, and that she still hoped was his dream. If it wasn't, if he did want to captain, then...then it was another sure sign that his feelings for her had changed. That the hope they'd shared of a life together when they got home was now her hope alone.

"No," he replied. "The last thing I want is to return to space. I want to...make some roots."

At these words, relief consumed Kathryn and she looked up with a smile. "Same here. I didn't cross a galaxy to get home only to leave again." Then she gently placed her hand on his arm. "And I hope you'll be making those roots in Oregon...that you'll rebuild your lodge like you said you would."

At this, a sadness filled Chakotay's eyes. He wasn't so sure about rebuilding the lodge now. For some reason, he associated the lodge with Kathryn, with the life he had once hoped to share with her there, and to rebuild it would feel like he was making a mausoleum to the past. He wanted to move on, to make a home in a place where there were no memories, where the ghosts of yesteryear would not haunt him.

"We'll see," he said vaguely. "It's a huge project and...we'll see." He then turned to the table, wanting to change the subject. "Would you like a drink?"

"I sure would. But have you noticed the lack of a certain beverage? There's none, Chakotay. Not even the iced variety."

Chakotay's sad eyes twinkled. "Have you complained?"

"I most certainly have."

"And?"

"Iced coffee will be served within the hour."

Chakotay had to laugh at that.

"In the meantime," she said, reaching for a glass of mineral water, "I'll make do with this."

"I thought you'd be drinking champagne," Chakotay teased.

"I'm saving it for the toasts. It's going to be a long night and I want to look graceful on the dancefloor."

Chakotay laughed again.

"I take it you'll be staying at this hotel tonight," she went on.

"Yes," Chakotay replied. "I have no where else to go and neither do a lot of our crew."

"I know. And for that reason I'm staying too. I might be an admiral now, but I still think of myself as this crew's captain. I won't leave until they're all settled."

Chakotay was about to say her presence wasn't needed, that she'd made enough sacrifices, but just as he opened his mouth to speak, a woman with short brown hair approached Kathryn.

"Long time no see," she said.

At the sound of her voice, Kathryn stilled, then the next thing Chakotay knew she was hugging the woman, hugging and crying.

"Oh, Holly," she wept. "I've missed you. God, I've missed you!"

The woman was weeping too, weeping and hugging Kathryn hard. "And I have you...every day."

They held each other long, neither wanting to let go, but then Holly drew away.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there when you landed," she said. "If I could have been I would have, but I was at a conference on Starbase FX-10 and couldn't make it back on time."

"It's ok, Holly. You're here now, that's all that matters."

"Did you get my letter? I wrote to you, as soon as Voyager was in contact, but never heard back."

"I didn't," Kathryn answered. "But I did send you one. I guess it got lost. Our datastreams were unpredictable."

"I thought it was something like that, but I wish I'd got yours, I so wish it."

"Me too. But how are you? How's Jasper and Ben?"

"They're fine. Just fine. Katie is too."

"Katie?"

"My five year old daughter. I named her after you."

At this, a tear of joy ran down Kathryn's cheek. "Oh, Holly..."

"She's a real tomboy, always up to mischief, and we have to watch her like a hawk. Jasper, on the other hand, is as good as gold. You'd never think they're siblings. But enough about me. How are you?"

"Flying so high I think I'm a bird," Kathryn confessed. "I can't tell you how good it is to be home."

"You don't have to." Holly then hugged her again. "But don't you dare be going back to space any time soon. We've got catching up to do."

"I won't be," Kathryn said, "I've just been made an admiral."

Holly drew away again. "Really? An admiral? Oh, Kath! That's fantastic! I always knew you'd do it. I always knew you'd be an admiral by the time you were 40!"

_An admiral by the time you're 40._

These words rang a bell for Chakotay. Rang it in the dark depths of his mind. Rang it so it echoed through his memories. But the sound was faint, the memory muffled. All he was left with was the familiar sense of deja vu.

"Not quite," Kathryn teased. "Redo the math."

"Oh, three years are neither here nor there! You did it, Kath, and I'm so proud of you."

Kathryn smiled and then, remembering that Chakotay was beside them, tensed. While Chakotay would have to have the memory of an elephant to remember Holly, a girl he had only met for a few minutes over two decades ago, Holly was well familiar with him, and their history, and could easily let something slip, something that she didn't want Chakotay to know. At least, not yet. Now they were home, she planned on telling him about their past connection, but she wanted the moment to be right. It had to be right. Chakotay deserved that. So, she would have to play this scene carefully. Perhaps Holly would not say anything, she was certainly diplomatic enough, but incase she thought he would surely know by now about their past meetings, it was best to take the initiative.

"Holly," she thus began, "this is...was...my First Officer, Commander Chakotay."

Holly glanced at her, just for a second, but then smiled at Chakotay and held out her hand to him. "It's an honor to meet you. I'm Holly Pemberton. Kath...Capt...Admiral Janeway's friend."

Chakotay smiled back and shook her hand. "The honor is all mine."

"Congratulations on your exoneration. It seems strange to be saying that, considering Kath...Admiral Janeway...was on a mission to capture you, but I mean it sincerely."

"Thank you," Chakotay replied.

Kathryn put her hand on Holly's arm. "And you can quit the formality. Chakotay and I are on a first name basis."

"I see," she smiled.

A waiter approached now with a trolley laden with glasses of iced coffee.

"And I see heaven," Kathryn exclaimed.

"If those are what I think they are," Holly laughed, "then some things never change."

"When it comes to me and coffee," Kathryn answered, "never, never." The waiter placed the glasses, tray by tray, onto the table and Kathryn took one. "But then, my counterpart from the future did say she preferred tea so I guess never say never!"

"Which makes me think," Chakotay joked, "that she was from an alternate reality."

"Certainly sounds like it," Holly laughed.

An alternate reality.

The thought had occurred to Kathryn. And, the more she thought about the thought, the more she was inclined to believe it. Not only would it explain Chakotay's interest in Seven, but it would reassure her that he had no such interest in this reality. And she needed that reassurance. Needed to believe it wasn't too late for them. If she'd lost him, just at the moment they could be together, she didn't know how she would bear it.

"I'm sure she was," Kathryn said. "The day I give up coffee is the day I pop my clogs. But whatever me she was, from whatever reality, I'll be eternally grateful to her."

Chakotay smiled. "And so will we all. Now, I'll leave you two to catch up."

"Ok," Kathryn answered. "But save me a dance for later."

"I will," he promised.

Then he walked away and disappeared into the crowd.

"Well," Holly asked when he was gone, "what's the story? Does he remember you?"

"No," Kathryn replied. "He's had flashbacks over the years, and remembered things in dreams, but he hasn't made the connection. I think it's only a matter of time before he does...he's incredibly intelligent and intuitive...but now that we're home I intend on getting in first. He deserves to know and...and I need him to know."

"But do you really, Kath? Your past isn't pretty. Why dredge it up? Sometimes it's best to let sleeping dogs lie."

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes. "Because I love him."

At this, Holly flinched. "You do?"

Kathryn nodded. "I just hope it's not too late for us." A tear ran down her cheek. "I messed things up, Holly. You've no idea how badly."

Gently, Holly put her hand on Kathryn's shoulder. "No, but I can guess. You blew hot and cold, right?"

Kathryn nodded again. "And now...and now I'm afraid I've lost him...that he loves someone else."

Holly squeezed Kathryn's shoulder. "A psychic once said that you and he are meant to be together. You yourself said your lives are interwoven threads running through the fabric of time. And I think you're right. You were only meant to capture him, a three week mission, but look what fate had in store. If you love him, and he's felt the same, then don't lose hope. Keep believing."

"I will. I must. And tomorrow I'm going to tell him how I feel. We're both staying at this hotel and...well, tonight is going to be long and today has been eventful enough."

"It certainly has," Holly agreed. "And I'm glad you've moved on. I was afraid you still had feelings for Mark."

"No. Mark and me, we...we weren't good together. We should never have been more than friends. I never felt for him what..."

Holly finished her sentence. "You feel for Chakotay."

Kathryn nodded. "But there's something you need to know. Everyone thinks me and Mark were engaged...a stupid misunderstanding that served my purpose for a while so I didn't correct it. I saw Mark at the landing and he agreed to play along. I'd be grateful if you would too."

"Of course," Holly said. "I know how these things can happen."

Kathryn smiled. "Thanks, Holl. Now, shall we grab ourselves a plate and feast on all these treats?"

"So long as you had no hand in making them," Holly teased.

"I assure you I didn't," Kathryn laughed. "But I did make some terrific mince pies on Voyager once."

"Really? Are you sure you don't mean terrible?"

"I mean terrific. Chakotay will vouch for it."

"Biased opinions don't count."

Kathryn poked her friend's stomach. "Then that counts out yours. Now, pass me a plate before they're all gone."

Holly gave an affectionate salute. "Yes, Ma'am."

Then she passed Kathryn a plate and they both helped themselves to the buffet.

END OF CHAPTER TWENTY TWO


	23. Chapter 23

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER TWENTY THREE**

In the golden glow of lamp light, before a long window that looked out at the Golden Gate Bridge, Kathryn sat in a sofa chair looking at a watch in her hand. It was an old mechanical watch, of white face and black strap, and it had once belonged to her father. For this reason it was special to her and she was glad it had not been lost when her house was emptied. Reluctant to accept that she was dead, Mark and her mother had put off clearing out her house for over a year, but eventually accepting that she was not coming back, they had recycled what they could and given away her furniture. Only special items had they kept, like her jewelry, souvenirs, awards, and photos. Most of these her mother had taken home with her, but Mark had taken a few mementos, as had Phoebe and Holly. In fact, her sister had taken the pots she and Chakotay had made that wonderful day at his lodge so, to Kathryn's joy, they were safe too. Phoebe had laughed when she'd asked about them, as they seemed such a trivial thing to be worried about at such a momentous occasion, but had promised to beam them to her, along with the watch, as soon as she got home. True to her word, she had boxed them and beamed them within an hour, and now they were resting on a table. Every now and then Kathryn looked at them, looked at them and remembered the making of them. In her mind's eye she could see the potter's wheel before her, could hear her laughter as the clay slid everywhere, could feel Chakotay's guiding hands on hers, and could taste his tender kiss. A kiss that had lit up her world and banished the darkness inside her. A kiss that was their first. A kiss she wished he could remember.

A day of dreams she wished was more than just a dream to him.

And not for the first time. For even though she had been afraid of him remembering everything on Voyager, a part of her had longed him to. Then her past would be an open book that he could read.

But he hadn't remembered.

He had only dreamed a dream. A beautiful dream of seashore dances and summer horse rides. A dream basked in sunlight. The darkness of drunkenness and promiscuity did not touch it.

If only they hadn't touched her.

But the past was gone. Dead like Neal. And the time had come to finally bury it.

Time.

_Time To Say I Love You._

On the back of the watch, these words were newly engraved in beautiful italic flourish.

Engraved for Chakotay.

He had once given her a watch, a replica of a chronometer owned by Captain Cray, and it was a gift that had meant more than he could ever know. On lonely nights, when the burden on her shoulders seemed too heavy to carry, and the road home too long and rough, she had got out that watch and in it found comfort. The comfort that she was not alone, that other captains had battled against the odds to get their crew home, and the comfort that her crew believed she could do it. In this comfort she had found the strength to continue, to keep battling even though she was tired, and the strength to keep believing they would get home.

Home.

Now that they were home, now that their journey was over, she wanted to give Chakotay a watch that would mean as much. So she had decided to give him this one. Give it to him with the gift of her love.

For it was time.

_Time To Say I Love You._

Time.

If time was still on their side.

But it was.

After all their years of stops and starts, all the years of pain and loneliness, it was finally time to be together.

Time to be happy.

Happy.

It had been years since she was last truly happy. Too many years. Too many decades. Although there had been many happy moments in those lost and lonely years, moments she would forever cherish, happy moments were different to being happy. Different to being at peace. True happiness, she had learnt, was true peace. Peace within one's self. It was not a life free of troubles, that was impossible. Not since Neal had she felt that peace, true, inner peace, even though with Justin she had been happy. The closest she had ever come to that peace was the month before he died. He'd seen the horror of the skeletons in her closest, but rather than closing the door on them and running away, he had kept that door open and stayed by her side to face them. And, with his hand in hers, she had felt that she could. And she would have. Had he not died, then everything would have been different. They'd have married, had children, and life would have been good. But he had died and the grief, that terrible void of emptiness and pain, had almost destroyed her. For so long after his death, nothing had mattered. Life had been just existing. Just waking, eating and sleeping. Some days not even that. Some days it had been impossible to get out of bed. Other days she hadn't bothered to eat. But somehow she had survived. Survived and loved again, hoped again, but peace...peace had always eluded her.

Eluded her as it had Chakotay.

True peace and true happiness.

But maybe now, in each other, they would find both.

Maybe.

After so many years of broken dreams and heartache, it was hard to believe that life could be anything more. But she had to keep believing. Had to keep the faith.

And yet...

And yet keep up some defenses. Some shields against the cruel and wounding sword of unrequited love. Then, perhaps, if Chakotay told her he no longer felt the same, the blow wouldn't kill her.

Carefully, she placed the watch back in its black velvet box, and then slipped it into her handbag. It was a white handbag that matched the dress she was wearing and it glittered orange in the lamp light. Kathryn then got to her feet, put on a white jacket, and then checked her appearance in a mirror. Not satisfied with her lipstick, she touched it up with a gloss she kept in her bag, and then she brushed her stubborn hair one last time. Then she went over to a coffee table and picked up a glittering blue gift bag. Inside was the sweater she had long been making for Chakotay. Her hope had been to finish it for Christmas, but having not quite made it, she had decided to keep it for his birthday. But, now that they were home, it seemed to be the perfect homecoming gift. After all, it had taken the best part of their journey to make. It would also be the perfect excuse to call on Chakotay. Not that she needed one, but having one would make things easier. Telling him what he needed to know was going to be hard, and she knew that when he knew their relationship would change forever. But, no matter how tough it was going to be, she was determined to finally have everything out in the open. Everything from her feelings to their shared past. It would all be a lot for him to take in, she knew, and no doubt on some level he would be hurt and angry that she'd kept the truth from him for so long, but she believed he would ultimately be understanding. He was the most understanding person she'd ever met. In so many ways an exceptional man. She couldn't have got through the last seven years without him, and he was the one thing in her life that made her believe there really was a God after all. Some force greater than herself had known she had needed him, and always, when she had needed him, he was there.

Finally ready to leave, her handbag over her shoulder and the gift bag in her hand, Kathryn made her way to the door. It was an attractive door of metallic green and it opened at her command. Outside was a long white corridor that led to Chakotay's room and, after taking a deep breath for courage, Kathryn stepped into it. Then she walked briskly on her way and the door closed behind her.

* * *

><p>On a majestic balcony, beside a candlelit table that was set for two, Chakotay poured Seven a glass of white wine. The former drone was wearing a classy black dress that showed off her figure, and her long hair was swept back elegantly from her face. Diamond clusters glittered on her ears and around her neck a diamond pendant sparkled. She looked stunning, as always, and Chakotay looked no less fine in a stylish white suit.<p>

"I'm so glad this balcony has a forcefield," Seven said as he poured, "or we would be in danger of freezing to death."

"Yes," Chakotay smiled. "But if it didn't have one we wouldn't be here." He handed her the glass of wine. "And I, for one, am glad we are."

"And I for a second."

Chakotay couldn't help but tease. "Just for a second?"

It took Seven a moment to get the joke, but then she laughed softly. "No...for a night."

"Good. You had me worried. "

Chakotay then smiled before pouring himself a glass of wine. As he did, Seven turned to the balcony's silver railing and looked out at the night city of San Francisco. In the distance, amber lights lit up the Golden Gate Bridge and beyond it a sea of rainbow lights glittered. It truly was one of the most magnificent sights she had ever seen and she gazed at it in awe.

"Impressive view, isn't it?" Chakotay said as he joined her there.

"It is," she answered. "It is quite simply spectacular. As a drone I possessed the memories of millions, and by possessing them I saw through the eyes of millions, but seeing through another's eyes isn't the same as seeing with one's own. Then I saw but did not see. Now I see."

"I understand," Chakotay said. "Seeing through another's eyes is kind of like reading a novel. The author gives us a window into their imaginary world, a world we can often see and feel in our own imagination, but reading about an experience isn't the same as experiencing it ourselves, no matter how good the writer is."

"That is exactly so. Sights like this are stored in my memory, but stored there like photographs or videos. Looking at a photograph or a video is not the same as experiencing first hand what is recorded."

"No. Those are secondhand perspectives. Images devoid of the sensory stimuli that accompany experience. When we see a picture of happy people, it is not the same as being happy ourselves, even though it might remind us of what happiness feels like. When we see a picture of the sick or wounded, they may evoke sympathy or horror, even empathy, but that is not the same as being sick or wounded ourselves." He paused. "But no matter how many memories you have assimilated, no matter how many pictures you have in your mind that resemble this view, the images your eyes are presently capturing are unique to you. No other person who has ever existed, or will exist, has seen, or will see, what you are presently seeing. Not even me, even though I'm standing next to you. Someday this timeline might be gone, and two other people will be standing here looking at this bay, but they won't see what we're seeing, because this moment of existence is unique to us."

"Like the sands of a seashore. With every outgoing tide the sands are different. And they will always be different, no matter how many times the timeline is rewritten, for to be different requires only the displacement of one grain."

"Yes."

"I find that comforting. Comforting and humbling. It reassures me that we truly are unique. Not just in our personalities as individuals but in our individual experiences. Even if I was reassimilated today, and what I am seeing now became a collective memory, the experience of what I am seeing would remain unique to me."

"Always. And always remember that."

"I shall. And I shall alway remember this moment. They are twinned in my mind. Your words and this view. I shall always remember both." She paused. "And I find now that I can find perfection in imperfection. As I look at the Golden Gate Bridge, I see not an ancient structure of imperfect construction, but a glorious landmark that instills me with wonder." She paused again. "For a long time I did not understand the Captain's, and the crew's, desire to get home. Our lives on Voyager seemed sufficient. But now I do. And I'm glad that we're home. All the doubts and fears I had about returning are gone."

"I'm delighted to hear that," Chakotay said sincerely. "But there is still a period of adjustment ahead. For all of us."

"Yes. It will take time for what was once familiar to become familiar again. For some of us, perhaps longer than others. But I am determined to make the most of all opportunities that are now mine."

"Any opportunities in particular?"

"Yes. I would like to go to medical school and qualify as a physician. As a drone I harmed many, I would now like to heal. But that is not my only reason. I have always been inspired by The Doctor, and in seeking to forge a career for myself, I would like to follow in his footsteps. Once I am qualified, I can either work as a physician here on earth, or enrol in Starfleet and work in space. It will take me several years to qualify, especially to the level I desire, and I will decide at that time what my next step will be."

At these words, a sadness filled Chakotay's eyes. It was clear that Seven's hopes for the future were very different to his. His hope was to marry, make a home, and have a family. While Seven might want all that in time, by then his best years would have passed. Never had he felt their age gap until now. Never had it been an issue until now. Perhaps, on Voyager, it never would have been. There the opportunities for both of them had been limited, and he'd always considered having children out of the question while he was the ship's First Officer.

As though she could read his thoughts, Seven spoke. "My aspirations displease you."

"No," he said kindly. "They are noble aspirations."

"Then why are you suddenly melancholy?"

Chakotay was a moment in answering. He could not tell her the truth, that his hope was for a home and a family. To do so would cast a cloud over the evening and perhaps kill their fledgling relationship. That he didn't want. He enjoyed being with Seven, enjoyed her company and conversation, and he hoped with all his heart that the devoted love Admiral Janeway had spoken of between them would be theirs in this future. For that love, for the woman he loved, he would sacrifice his desire for a family. It was unreasonable to expect Seven to want to settle down, anyway. She was a young woman just discovering the joys of life, an intelligent woman who could soar to the top of any profession she chose, and a newly liberated woman who had a Federation of opportunities to explore. If she wanted a man at her side, if she wanted him at her side, then he would have to move at her pace. And that, for love, he would do.

For love.

But they did not have love. Not yet. And, the more he thought things over, the more he doubted they would find in this timeline the happiness they'd found in the Admiral's. On Voyager their world had been the same. The same and small. Now their worlds were very different. Different and big. It was, perhaps, only a matter of time before the void between them was too wide to cross. But for today they were together, and if there was anything that life had taught him, then it was that tomorrow could not be predicted. So, he would not try to predict it. He would just live in, and enjoy, the present.

"I'm not sad," he finally said. "I'm just...I'm just thinking of my own aspirations...or the lack of them."

And that was true. Beyond wanting a home and a family, he had no real aspirations for the future. Career wise, nothing could ever top their extraordinary journey through the Delta Quadrant, and the thought of teaching astro-archaeology just didn't excite him the way it once had. Offers were coming in left, right and center, from university lectureships to command positions on starships, but so far nothing had tickled his fancy. He was looking for...

He was looking for peace.

That inner peace and happiness that had always eluded him.

That peace he had found and lost in Kathryn.

Kathryn.

But he would not let his heart feel the ache.

For her, his heart had hurt too long.

"That is not necessarily something to lament," Seven said. "I know, better than most, how it can take time to discover, or rediscover, your vocation. Give yourself that time."

"I will," he said, comforted by these words. "And you're right. But give yourself that time too. Don't become a doctor because you feel you owe humanity a debt. You're not responsible for what you did as a drone. Become one only because you want to."

Seven was about to answer when the door chime played.

"I'll politely get rid of whoever's there," Chakotay assured her. "You stay here."

With that, he left the balcony and made his way to the door. When he got there, he opened the door by pressing a button and then waited to greet whoever was there. To his surprise, it was Kathryn.

"Hi," she smiled.

"Hi," he replied.

Then, seeing that he was clearly dressed for dinner, Kathryn's smile faded. She'd hoped he'd be at a loose end, that the night could be theirs.

"I...I hope now isn't a bad time," she said.

"I have company," Chakotay answered honestly, "but please come in."

Company.

No doubt female company.

And, at that, Kathryn felt her fragile heart break.

"No," she said, trying hard to hide her pain. "I...I don't want to interrupt. I just...I just wanted to give you this." With a hand that was suddenly trembling, she presented him with the glittering blue bag. "It's the sweater I've been making you forever. I...I finally finished it."

Chakotay took the bag with a genuine gratitude. "Really? I'm delighted. What perfect timing."

Carefully, he opened the bag and pulled it out. Never had Kathryn let him see it in the making, as she wanted it to be a surprise, so he had no idea of the color or style. But, as his eyes fell on it for the first time, he was amazed. The wool was a midnight blue, his favorite color, and the style was aran. Stunning cables adorned the sweater, interwoven with complex patterns of honeycomb and basket weave, and the craftsmanship was flawless.

"Wow," he said. "It's...incredible. I'm totally impressed. The work that's gone into this...no wonder it took so long." He then looked up at her and smiled warmly. "Thank you."

Kathryn forced a return smile, but inside she was dying. It was true then, he really had moved on. He really had stopped loving her. And, if the voice inside her was speaking the truth, a voice that echoed the words of a now dead admiral, then the woman he had moved on to was Seven. It was her he now loved, and no doubt it was her he was spending this evening with.

Company.

Seven was his company.

"Please, come in," he said again. "I'd like to..."

"No," Kathryn interrupted. "I don't want to intrude. You and Seven...have a good evening."

Chakotay flinched. How did she know? Had she been told? Had she guessed?

Then her hand was on his arm. "I'm...happy for you...both of you. And I...I wish you every joy."

At these words, tears stung Chakotay's eyes. Why, he didn't know, but they did. Stung them like the sudden pain in his heart.

And then...

And then Kathryn was gone.

Slowly, Chakotay stepped away from the door, closed it, and then looked again at the sweater in his hands. He was still looking at it when Seven approached.

"Was that the Captain?" she asked. "I mean the Admiral."

"Yes," Chakotay answered sadly. "She wanted to give me this."

"What is it?"

"A sweater she's been making for me."

Seven studied it." Impressive. I did not know the Capt...Admiral...can knit. Unless she employed technology."

"No," he replied. "She made it by hand...every stitch."

"It must have taken a long time."

"Yes. She's been making it for years." His fingers caressed the sweater, moving slowly over the intricate handiwork, and he gazed at it with visible fondness.

"You should have invited her in," Seven went on. "It's only a matter of time before everyone knows about us and I'd like her to hear about us from us."

"She knows," he announced, putting the sweater back in the bag. "After what her older-self said, I think she's guessed."

"I see. How did she take it?"

"Well. She wishes us well." Then, wanting and needing to change the subject, he put down the bag and gestured to the balcony. "Shall we dine?"

"Yes," Seven smiled, "let's dine."

* * *

><p>Numb.<p>

The pain was so great that Kathryn felt numb.

Numb. Empty. Cold.

Sitting alone, on a high stool in a noisy bar, Kathryn downed a third shot of whisky.

Downed it, but did not taste it.

Did not feel.

Dead.

Chakotay's love for her was dead.

Dead and buried.

Buried in the past.

A past she didn't want to remember.

A pain she didn't want to feel.

A pain she couldn't let herself feel.

A pain to lock away with so many others inside her.

Pain.

Always pain.

And she couldn't take anymore. After all the batterings her heart had taken over the years, all the scaldings, whips, and stabbings, she could take no more torments by the torturer called Love. He had finally broken her. There was no fight left in her now. No strength. Hope was strength and she had no hope. No hope that someday things would be better. That someday Love would love her back.

And yet...

And yet Chakotay had loved her.

Mark had loved her.

Justin had loved her.

Loved her once.

Love just didn't last. If he hadn't of died, maybe Justin would have stopped loving her in time too. Love, romantic love, was just a myth.

A cold, empty excuse for sex.

_Back there..._

Back at the Academy. Back to being that confused and hurting girl. Never would that girl grow up. Never would that girl leave her alone. Always she would live inside her. Live inside her screaming at the pain. And always would she hear those screams. Those screams of horror.

No escape.

And yet...

And yet she had loved.

But she was a woman.

Women were different.

To women intimacy meant something. To men...to men it was just sex. For seven years Chakotay had said he loved her, that he would always love her, but now that a beautiful young woman had shown interest in him his love had evaporated like a drop of water on a fire.

Gone.

Burnt out.

And yet...

And yet he was doing nothing wrong. He was free to date whoever he wanted. They had made no promises to each other. Quite the contrary, she had told him, even urged him, to move on.

So he'd moved on.

Moved on and left her behind.

Left her behind hurting.

Bleeding from the wound to her heart.

Dying.

"Admiral Janeway?"

Slowly, in a hazy daze, Kathryn turned to the male voice. Turned, and vaguely registered a tall, dark haired man standing beside her.

"That's me," she said.

"I'm Captain William Kent...sea not space. I'd like to say welcome home."

Kathryn gave an absent nod and then returned her eyes to her empty glass. "Thank you."

"It must be strange being home," he went on. "I always find it so after just a few months. I can't imagine seven years."

Silence.

"But I'm surprised you're not celebrating with your comrades in the lounge. There seems to be quite a party going on."

Silence.

"Or maybe you're waiting for someone."

At this, Kathryn finally spoke. "No," she said. "I'm not waiting for anyone."

"Then would you like to join me at a table? A beautiful woman like you shouldn't be alone."

Beautiful woman.

That was a familiar line. A line men always used when they were looking for a lay.

But at least they were honest. They never made promises about tomorrow. They took what they wanted and they left. It was better that way. Better to have no expectations. Better not to complicate things with love.

Love.

That almighty lie.

"I don't think we need to beat around the bush," Kathryn said, turning back to the guy. "You're looking for a lay and you're looking my way. Well, it's your lucky night because I'm looking right back. But cut the bull, ok? You want to get inside my knickers so don't pretend to be interested in what's inside my head."

These words, spoken with such bitterness, took the man aback.

"What's the matter?" Kathryn asked. "Not used to straight talk?"

"I guess...I guess not," he said. "But you're right. If a night of passion is what we both want then we should just be honest about that."

"So be honest. Your room or mine?"

"I don't mind."

"Then we'll make it mine. " With an unsteady hand, she poured herself a fourth shot of whisky from a bottle and then downed it. Then she turned back to the guy. "Ready?"

The guy nodded.

"Then let's get the hell out of here."

With that, she got to her feet, linked her arm with his, and then they left.

END OF CHAPTER TWENTY THREE


	24. Chapter 24

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR**

Hell.

Kathryn felt like hell.

Stirring awake, she groaned as light hurt her eyes and then raised her hands to her pounding head.

Where was she?

Why was she hurting?

And then...

And then it all came back to her.

Chakotay, Seven, the bar, the guy...

Hell.

She was back in hell.

Back in that pit of darkness it had taken her years to climb out of.

Sick.

Going to throw up.

In the toilet.

Vomiting.

Crying.

Sick.

Sick at what she'd done.

Sick from the hangover.

Sick from despair.

Sick.

Dying.

Why had it happened? Why had Chakotay stopped loving her now? Why now?

Too much pain.

More than she could bear.

Dead.

Dead and in hell.

No salvation.

Not for her.

"Kath?"

Holly. The calling voice was Holly's.

"Kath?"

And then...

And then Holly was beside her.

"My God, Kath! What happened...?"

Kathryn didn't answer. She just wept. Just rocked her naked body and wept.

And then...

And then something was over her. Something silky and soft. Her night robe, maybe.

"Tell me, Kath," Holly demanded. "Was it Chakotay? Did he? Oh, God...did he rape you?"

All Kathryn could do was shake her head.

"Then who, Kath? Who..." Then Holly hit the spot. "Oh God, you've done it again, haven't you? Got yourself drunk and picked up some guy! Oh, Kathryn! I thought you were through with all that!"

Silence.

"Who was it? Please say it wasn't a journalist!"

Silence.

"That's it, Kath. I'm calling your doctor."

At these words, Kathryn came out of her trance.

"No," she cried. "Please...I'm ok."

"Ok? Hell, you're not ok! Look at yourself! You're shaking like crazy and are covered in hickies. Just how much did you drink last night?"

"I...I don't remember."

"You can't start all this again, Kath. You can't."

Kathryn clutched the robe around her, wrung it with her hands. "I can do what I like."

"You can't, Kath. Not unless you want every media station in the Federation to carry the story that you're a sloshed slut! Is that what you want? Because you're a public figure now. Everything you do will be scrutinized. Hell, I had to fight my way through a throng of journalists just to get here! And you're lucky they're not in here filming right now because your door was unlocked!"

Silence.

"What happened, Kath? I thought you were going to talk things through with Chakotay. Or is that it? Did he get angry when you told him the truth so you took solace in the bottle and the arms of a stranger?"

Silence.

"Talk to me, Kathryn, or I'm calling your doctor."

"I didn't," she said, "tell him. He...He was with someone."

Holly frowned. "With someone?" Then she understood. "Oh, God. Oh, Kath, I'm so sorry."

"And I can't bear it," Kathryn wept. "I can't..."

At this, Holly drew her close. "Maybe you got the wrong end of the stick," she said optimistically. "Maybe what you saw was innocent."

"No," Kathryn sobbed. "I know he...Oh, Holl."

"I'm sorry, Kath," Holly said, stroking her wild hair. " I'm truly, deeply, sorry. But don't do this to yourself over him. No guy is worth it."

"I...I love him."

"I know you do. And I know your heart is breaking, but this...drunken sex with strangers...it isn't the answer to your pain. It never was. And I know, deep inside, you know that."

"I don't," Kathryn wept. "I don't know anything anymore. Nothing except that love hurts. Always, Holly. Always love hurts."

"Not always, Kath. Not when it's right."

"But it's never right...not for me. I'm not meant to be happy. Not ever."

"That's not true. You've just never met the right guy."

"And I never will. There is no right guy for me. No husband, no child...no love. Not for me. Things never work out for me."

"They will someday, Kath. But you've got to help them work out. If you carry on like this then...then you'll just destroy yourself. I know you've been dealt some hard blows in life, Justin being the hardest, but you can't blame everything on fate. You've had plenty of chances for decent guys. And, from what you've said, you've had plenty of chances with Chakotay. No guy will wait forever."

"But why now, Holly? Why does he have to want someone else now? For years he didn't. It was always me, always me he wanted. Why not now? Why, at the very moment we can be together, does he want someone else?"

"I don't know," Holly answered sincerely. "Put that way, it does seem like a cruel twist of fate."

"Because that's how it is for me. I'm not meant to have anyone. I'm meant always to be alone. And, from now on, that's what I'm going to be. I'm done with men...all of them. All they want is sex. There is no love...none."

"Of course there is, Kath. Me and Ben have love."

"You don't," Kathryn said cynically. "He doesn't love you. You're just a legal lay."

"If I didn't know that was hurt talking, I'd take offense."

"Then take it," Kathryn said, drawing away from her. "I don't care. The truth often offends." With trembling fingers, she wiped away tears from her cheeks, tears that were mixed with mascara, and then put on her robe. "I know what men are. The wool was pulled off my eyes a long time ago. There's no love, Holly. There really isn't."

"How can you say that?" Holly asked sadly. "Love is everywhere."

Kathryn pulled shut the belt of her robe. "Really? Where, exactly? What is the divorce rate now? 1 in 2? No one stays together, Holly, and those that do aren't happy. So don't tell me love is out there. It isn't."

At this, tears filled Holly's eyes. "What's happened to you, Kathryn? I know you've never been a romantic, but you've never been this cynical."

"I'm not cynical, Holly. I'm just...realistic."

"But you've been loved. Justin loved you. Mark loved you."

"For a while. But Mark moved on pretty quick, didn't he? And as for Justin, well, maybe he'd have stopped caring some day. Because that's what happens, Holly. Love dies. Which means it can't have really existed in the first place because love is supposed to be forever. And if something doesn't exist, but everyone says it does, then it's a myth...a lie. Love is a lie and...and I don't need it."

"Then why are you in here crying because a guy doesn't want you? If love doesn't exist, why is your heart broken?"

"Because I'm a woman. We're different. Isn't that what we've always been told? Intimacy means something to us, but to men...it's just spread legs. And, after all the men I've slept with, I can tell you it's true. Sex means nothing to them. Nothing but a shot of pleasure. And don't think all of them were single. I'm betting a few were married. So get wise, Holly, and get real."

"If I thought all men were like the men you've slept with," Holly replied, "I'd be a nun. And if all men thought all women were like you, they'd either be monks or gay. For that's the truth, Kathryn. Most women don't throw themselves around like you. They demand respect and commitment. And they demand it from decent guys who are demanding it back. So don't judge all guys by the guys you've pulled. Most guys don't sleep around and they don't sleep with drunk women. Ben never would. He loves me, and he respects me, and I feel the same."

"Really? Keep deluding yourself, Holly. And keep praying that the day never comes when he ditches you for a blonde half your age."

"But how many men really do that, Kath? I don't know of any."

"Oh, you do. Chakotay for one."

"Chakotay? Then..."

"That's right. He's traded me in for a sexier model. Number Seven, to be precise."

"Oh, Kath... I'm so sorry. But I'm sure it wasn't like that. From what you've said, he really loved you. It must have been hard for him to let you go. I had to do it once and...and it's hell. And, while I wish he was still single for your sake, in reality you can't expect to put people down and pick them up as and when you want to. You told Chakotay to move on so he has. He's done nothing wrong."

Tears flooded Kathryn's eyes. "Then why does it feel like he has? Why does it hurt so much? Because I need him, Holly. Without him I feel like...like a part of me is missing. And I can't...I can't bear the thought of not seeing him every day. I need him in my life. I need him..."

And then...

And then she was crying again.

Crying and rocking.

"Oh, Kath," Holly said, bridging the gap between them. "I wish I could do something...wish I could make it all better."

"It will never be better," Kathryn wept. "There will never be a better man than Chakotay."

Holly put her hand on Kathryn's back and caressed her softly. "Then I guess he's not so much of a sleaze in your eyes after all."

At this, Kathryn's tears ebbed and she looked up at her friend. "Help me, Holly. Because...because it's so dark in my head."

Tearfully, Holly took Kathryn's hands in hers and gripped them. "I'll help you anyway I can, Kath. But you've got to help yourself too. I know it's dark in your head. I've seen that darkness more times than I want to remember. But there's a light there too. All those things you just said...I know you don't mean them. I know you don't really believe all men are that way. A part of you might, the hurting part, but not the rest of you. You know love is real and you know how it feels." Tenderly, Holly swept a stray strand of hair away from Kathryn's face. "And you know better than to judge your own feelings by everyone elses. I don't know why there is so much divorce and I wouldn't like to speculate. All I can say is that me and Ben are very happy together. Yes, we have our problems, but we work through them. Because it takes more than love to keep a marriage together, definitely more than sex. It takes determination, commitment and compromise...on both sides. If only one is doing it and the other isn't then...well, a person can only give so much. But don't stop believing in love, Kath. Because if we stop believing in love then we stop believing in our own capacity to love and that we must never do."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "You're right. I know you're right. I just...I get so confused. So scared and confused."

"About what, Kath? Help me to understand."

"About men," Kathryn replied, "about sex. And I...I'm tired of the struggle. I can't do it anymore. It feels like...it feels like I've been fighting my whole life."

"Fighting what? What haunts you, Kath? I know there's something. You told me as much before Voyager got stranded."

"I can't," Kathryn said, lowering her head. "I can't say the words."

Holly squeezed her hands. "Try, honey. Please."

Kathryn wept, but then, mustering all her strength and every ounce of courage, she whispered the words she had never before been able to say.

"I was...I was raped."

For a long moment there was a terrible silence, an agonizing hush, and then Holly was hugging her. Hugging her and crying.

"Oh, Kath. Oh, God."

Kathryn could say nothing. All she could do was cling to her friend and weep. And, for a long time, that's all they did, hug and weep. But then Holly drew away and spoke.

"Who was it, Kath? Who did it?"

Silence.

"Tell me, Kath. Tell me who the bastard was."

Kathyn hesitated, but then answered. "Neal."

"Neal? Your boyfriend at The Academy?"

Kathryn nodded.

"Oh, Kath. Oh, God...I'm so sorry."

More hugs, more tears. Then Holly was talking again.

"Why didn't you ever tell me, Kath? You should have told me."

"Because...because I couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone."

"But he should have paid. God, he should have paid!"

"I know," Kathryn sobbed. "I know I should have...but I couldn't. I didn't...I didn't have the courage."

Holly gently put her hand on Kathryn's shoulder. "What happened, Kath? Tell me what happened."

"I can't. I can't talk of it."

"You have to, Kath. You have to try. Please."

"I can't, Holl, I..."

Sick.

Going to throw up.

Abruptly, she broke away from Holly and clutched the toilet seat. Clutched it and vomited.

And then...

And then she was lying on the floor, lying and crying.

"It's ok, Kath," Holly said, edging closer and stroking her hair. "We won't talk about it if you don't want to. But you need to talk to someone. You need to tell someone what happened. Only then can you start to heal. A wound that isn't treated festers."

"I know," Kathryn wept, "and I want to, I...help me, Holly. Please help me. Because I can't live like this anymore...I can't..."

"Then try to tell me, Kath. Just a few words, that's all it takes. Once you've said them, they're said forever. And when they're out, they'll lose their power over you. Just tell me where. Just tell me when."

"My...my dorm," Kathryn sobbed. "We were...going to a party. I...I don't remember what party. I was trying on dresses...couldn't decide on the right one...and..."

"Go on," Holly pushed. "You're doing well...really well."

"My bed," Kathryn went on. "He...he threw me and...Oh God, Holly, the pain...so much pain."

And she could say no more. All she could do was cry.

"I'm so sorry," Holly said, wiping away her own tears. "I wish I'd known, I...But I know now and I'm so proud of you for telling me. Letting it out...that will help, Kath. I promise it will. But he should have paid. God, he should have paid!"

"I thought...in some ways...it was my fault," Kathryn told her. "That I'd done something...said something...But I said no. I know I did...And I fought him...fought hard...but he was too strong...like a wild animal...not a man...not a man..."

"I'm so sorry," Holly sobbed. "So sorry, Kath. But it wasn't your fault. You did nothing wrong...And you shouldn't be ashamed. The shame and the blame is on him. You should have told me. You should have told someone."

"I didn't want anyone to know."

"But he should have paid. And I...God! How could I have been so blind? I should have known something was wrong. The way you kept to yourself, the clothes you wore. God, I should have seen! I'm so sorry, Kath. But you should have told me. God, I wish you had."

"Me too," Kathryn said. "But I just wanted to forget. I thought that if...if I shut out the pain I wouldn't feel it. And for the longest time I didn't. I was different, I know I was, but I was functioning. My grades didn't slip and...and to everyone else I was the same. But when it came to guys...nothing has ever been the same. I don't know if it ever can be."

"Maybe it can't, Kath. Something like that...by someone you loved and trusted..and so young...God, it makes me sick. But there is healing. A wound may scar but it stops bleeding."

"Trouble is, Holly, I don't know how to heal. I've tried, but..."

"But what?" Holly asked. "Tell me, Kath."

But instead of talking, Kathryn sat up. "It doesn't matter, Holl. Just get me some hangover meds. My head is killing."

"It does matter, Kath. All of this matters."

"The meds, Holly, please..."

Reluctantly, Holly got to her feet, went over to the replicator, and replicated the asked for hypospray. Then she gave it to Kathryn. Clumsily, Kathryn put it to her neck, and then lay back against the wall as it took effect.

"Ohhh...that's better."

"Now talk," Holly said, kneeling on the carpeted floor. "Tell me what you were going to say."

"I think you know, Holl. You know how...you know how I was." Tears filled her eyes. "How I am now...and I don't want to be...I don't want this answer."

Holly took Kathryn's hand in hers. "You mean...sleeping around?"

Kathryn nodded. "Because it's the only answer, Holl. I can't..."

"Can't what?" Holly asked kindly.

Kathryn struggled to say the words, battled the choking tears. "Can't have sex unless I'm drunk."

And then...

And then Holly was hugging her. Hugging her hard.

"Oh, Kath," she wept. "I'm so sorry."

Kathryn wept too, wept and clutched Holly tight. Wept away tears that were years old.

"But it isn't the only answer, Kath," Holly said after a while. "It isn't even an answer. Whatever made you think it was?"

"I don't know," Kathryn answered honestly. "I really don't, Holl. It just...it just kind of happened. That night on the Zeffara was the first. Trent and I got drunk and...and ended up having sex. And it made me feel good. Not the sex, I...I don't even remember it, but the feeling afterwards...the feeling of being normal. Justin and me, we...we never consummated our relationship. We tried, but I...I got a flashback and...and before we could...he died. When it happened, the flashback, I felt...I felt like such a failure. It made me feel...frigid. And I didn't expect that...didn't expect the problem. I loved Justin and...and I wanted to make love with him. The flashback it...it came out of no where. And afterwards I...I was afraid of it happening again. Afraid it would keep on happening. But Justin, he...he was so great about it, so understanding. And if he'd lived then...then everything would have been different. I know it would have been. But he didn't live and...and afterwards...well, you know the afterwards. You know the grief nearly killed me. But after that night with Trent I felt like...like I had a new answer to my problem. If I couldn't do sex sober, then...then I could do it drunk. And that's...that's kind of how it happened. I never wanted to do it. I never wanted to live that way, I just...I just needed the fix. Needed to reassure myself that I was like other women...that I wasn't frigid...that I was normal. But, at the same time, I knew I wasn't. I knew normal women didn't need to be drunk to have sex."

"Oh, Kath. I'm sorry you were in so much pain and I...I didn't help."

"You tried, Holly. You told me all the time that I needed to turn my life around. What more could you do?"

"I could have made you tell me what was wrong. I should have made you. Hell, I should even have read between the lines and guessed what was wrong."

"How could you? Grief makes people crazy so how could you guess it was something more? And I don't know how much of it was grief, anyway. Because after Justin I...I didn't care for my life anymore. Nothing mattered. If men wanted a piece of me then they could have it."

"I just wish I could have done something. But mostly I wish you'd told me. Then we could have dealt with this a long time ago. Carrying it around inside you all these years, trying to cure yourself...you only made things worse."

"I know that. I know I messed up. And not just my life. I messed up Mark's and Chakotay's too."

"What happened?" Holly asked. "With Chakotay? I kind of know what happened with Mark. I know you never slept together."

"I was afraid to," Kathryn confessed. "I was afraid of having the flashback again. Afraid I couldn't sleep with him unless I was drunk. So I put it off. But I was going to deal with it, you know? As soon as I got back from the Badlands I was going to tell Mark and get some counseling, but..."

"Voyager got stranded."

Kathryn nodded.

"And Chakotay?"

"Was the biggest mess," she said tearfully. "It was always going to be complicated, because of our positions and our pasts, but I made it more so. I didn't mean to, because I wanted us to be together, and I believed we could make the personal and the professional work, but when it came down to it, when it came to...I couldn't."

"Sex?" Holly asked.

Kathryn nodded. "We came close, more than once, but the first time was a disaster and the second...I had a flashback. And I couldn't deal with it, Holly. Not on Voyager. I had so much on my plate already, so many burdens to carry, and I couldn't...I couldn't fight on that front aswell."

"So you withdrew from the situation."

Kathryn nodded again. "I wish I hadn't, I wish I'd handled things better, but...but you don't know what it's like, Holly. You don't know what it's like to be me."

"No," Holly said. "And I sure as hell won't judge you. I know it's always easier on the outside looking in."

Kathryn wiped her hand across her tears. "Sometimes I've been there...on the outside. I look at myself, at my life, and I think God what a mess. Why does she do it? Why can't she pull herself together? Why can't she heal like other women? But on the inside, where all the pain is, things aren't so black and white. There everything is a gray abyss of hurt and confusion. And I get lost it in, Holly. I get lost in the pain and the fear."

"I know," Holly said. "I know that. Even the times I've been mad with you, as frustrated as hell by what you were doing to yourself, I knew you were hurting. I just wished...but, as I said, it's always easier on the outside looking in. But I do understand. And you're not alone. Rape it...some women can never have sex again."

"I know. But other women...they do. Women who had it worse...torture...gangs...children who...who suffered horrific things. And that makes me ashamed...ashamed that I can't...It only happened once, Holly. Just once by one man. I should be over it. But every time...it never leaves me alone. Never, ever."

"Things affects people differently, Kath. And the way we react to things...we can't always help it. When I see a spider, no matter how alien or rare, I freak out. I'm filled with dread and for a few moments I'm literally paralyzed. It's ridiculous, because most of them aren't even poisonous and the biggest ones I could stamp on with my foot, but for reasons unknown to me they terrify me. I can't control my response to them and neither can anyone else who has the phobia. It's not so very different for you. God knows, I'm no psychologist, but it seems to me that because of what happened sex has become a kind of phobia for you. Or, if not a phobia, a fixation. Kind of like food for an anorexic. Without help, it's hard to get passed that, Kath."

"But I should be able to beat this. I should be able to take control."

"Just like an anorexic should be able to eat, but they can't. Some things are out of our control, Kath. And, for you, I think that's part of the problem. You always like to be in control. When that control was violated so violently...it's got to be hard for you."

Kathryn looked up at her, hurt anger in her eyes. "What, harder for me than other women because I'm a control freak?"

"I didn't say that, and I'd never say that some women find rape easier to come to terms with than others, I'm just saying that things affect people differently."

"But some women do come to terms with it easier than others," Kathryn argued. "You can't deny that, Holly. Not all victims drink themselves into bed with strangers."

"No, some just drink themselves into a grave. There's no universal response, Kath...not to anything. And you haven't had just the rape to deal with. You've had Justin, your father, the delta quadrant... All that, it's a lot for one person to handle alone. If you've messed up from time to time, well, who wouldn't?"

"Not from time to time, Holly. I mess up all the time. And you're right, I am a control freak. That's why I...That's why I need the drink. But it's an illusion, Holly. I have no control. I have no control over anything. Whatever I do, whatever I try, nothing goes right for me."

"That's not true, Kath."

"It is, Holly. Nothing good happens to me. If it does, like us getting home, it's because I made it happen. We didn't get a lucky break along the way...no species willing to help us, no convenient wormhole...we got home because in some future I traveled back in time and got us home. That's how it is for me, Holly. If I don't do something myself, then it doesn't happen. What does happen is...is just hurt. Neal, Justin, Mark, Chakotay...all hurt. And that's without..."

"Without what?" Holly asked.

Kathryn was a moment in answering. "Jaffen."

"Jaffen?"

"A guy I...I met in the Delta Quadrant. We were abducted for a workforce, put under mind control, and...and while I was on the planet I moved in with him. I don't remember much about it...the whole time is hazy in my mind...but I remember...I remember sleeping with him. Just scenes, feelings, but I remember." Tears filled her eyes. "But I don't want to remember. It feels like...like another violation."

"Because it was, Kath. Mind control is always a violation, and then for this guy to take advantage of..."

"No," Kathryn interrupted. "It wasn't like that. He loved me, he did, and I...I loved him while I was there. And that...that's what makes it hard. With him, I was the me I could have been, you know? The me I've always wanted to be. Because I do, Holl, I want to be that way. I want to be like other women. I want to take joy in sex. I don't want...don't want the pain. I want to be sexy...want to feel sexy. And that...maybe that's another reason I've slept with...because that woman was sexy, Holl. That Kathryn was sexy. But she wasn't me...not really. And neither was that Kathryn on that planet with Jaffen. It was all a lie...just a lie, and...and afterwards I didn't love him. I just...I just had unwanted memories. And they made me feel sick. It wasn't like...wasn't like when I mated with Tom as an amphibian. I don't remember anything about that and I wasn't myself in any way. What happened would have happened to any man and woman in our situation. I think the whole thing disturbed him more. After all the men I'd slept with, all the things I'd done, it was nothing."

"I don't believe that, Kath," Holly said. "Something like that...it's bound to have had an impact, even if you have no recollection."

"It didn't, Holl. It just didn't. But Jaffen, that...that was hell. Not just because of what we'd done, or because of the mind control, or because of the memories and the confused emotions right after, but because...because it was like I was back there. Back where I am now. I can't...I can't explain it. And I don't expect you to understand. I don't think anyone can. I'm not sure I do."

"I do understand, Kath. I've been under mind control a few times and...and it's taken me a while to get over it. We're not so dissimilar, you know? If you're a control freak, so am I." She gave a wan smile. "There's got to be some reason we're friends. And why do you think the Borg terrify so many people? Because its the fear of being taken over. The fear of living death. And that, in so many ways, is what mind control is. It's about losing yourself but still being alive. It's about your body doing things that you wouldn't do. It's about being someone else. If I had a relationship with someone under mind control, I'd find it hard to deal with."

"But you're married. It's...different."

"Not really. To sleep with someone when you're out of your mind...it's a violation of the most intimate kind, no matter how much you liked the guy at the time, and that...it's tough for anyone."

"I know. I...But that...it wasn't the worst of it. A few weeks later, I...I found out I was pregnant."

Holly flinched. "Pregnant? Oh, Kath."

"And I wanted it, Holly. I wanted that baby. But by the time I knew I...I'd already miscarried."

Holly drew her close. "I'm so sorry, Kath."

Tearfully, Kathryn lay her head on Holly's shoulder. "I didn't know how to deal with all the pain, you know? So I didn't deal with it. I...just...I just lived with it. But Chakotay knew. He knew I was hurting. And because of that...I pushed him away. He always has this way of...of getting to me...of breaking through my shields and...and I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't break down. I had to be the captain, and she...she had to be invincible. So I pushed him away and...and I guess to Seven. So it's my fault, Holl. It's my fault I lost him."

"It's not, Kath. It just...it just happened. But maybe they won't stay together...who knows."

"They will. In the other future they married and...and they will in this one."

"You don't know that. Everything is different now."

"Chakotay wouldn't...not if he didn't love her. He's...not that kind of guy. He told me that once...years ago. Not that kind of guy. But maybe it's all for the best. He deserves to be happy and Seven will make him happy. Happier than I ever did. I only ever hurt him."

"I'm sure that's not true, Kath."

"It is. I broke his heart...over and over. And I wish I hadn't. I wish I'd been stronger, wish I'd tried harder. Because I didn't. I didn't try. I gave up at the first hurdle...every time. I shouldn't have. I should have fought harder for us. I just...I just didn't have the fight. The Captain, she...she took so much of my strength. And I was afraid, you know, that by trying to deal with the personal we'd compromise the professional. We had no counselors on board, just holo ones, and...and I couldn't afford a distraction. An entire crew was depending on me to get them home." A tear ran down her cheek. "I'm glad he's happy now, even if it hurts, but I...I don't know how I'm going to live without him."

"Oh, Kath."

"I don't even know if I want to live anymore, Holl. I'm tired of hurting. Always hurting."

"Things are going to change, Kath. Now you've told me, now you're facing this, things are going to change."

"But there's...nothing to look forward to."

"Of course there is. There's so much. You're home, you're an admiral, and the Federation's your oyster."

"But I need more. I need...I need what you have."

"And you can have it. Somewhere out there is the right guy for you. Just give yourself time to find him. Time to heal."

"How can I heal alone?"

"By talking to someone, by forgetting about men for a while and just doing all the things you enjoy. And remember, it's when we're not looking that we find."

"I can't, Holly...I can't love again. I don't want to love again...don't want anyone but Chakotay."

"Right now you feel that, but give yourself time."

_Time._

The great healer.

But it had never healed her. It had only harmed her more.

Pain.

Always pain.

And she couldn't take anymore.

Tired.

Just wanted to sleep.

"Things really will get better," Holly went on. "I promise. I know you feel like hell, know you're in a dark place right now, but by telling me you've taken the first step out of there. It can only be up from here, Kath. Because, let's face it, you can't get more low. Now you're talking, the demons will lose their hold on you. It's silence that gives them power. They feed off your weakness and then devour your strength. But you're taking control now. Taking it the right way. Because there are times when we all need help. We just have to look for it in the right place. And you're looking now. Because I'm going to be there for you all the way, Kath. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, I'll be there."

_Whenever you need me, I'll be there._

Chakotay had said that.

But he wasn't here now.

Wasn't there last night.

Not around.

But she needed him.

"My mother always used to say that everything happens for a reason," Holly continued, "and that for every suffering there is a blessing. And the older I get the more I see the wisdom in that. You've suffered more than most, there's no denying it, but in other ways you really have been blessed. You've been given a great intelligence, a moral core that most people lack, and an extraordinary ability to succeed where most people fail. You're famous throughout the Federation for your achievements in the Delta Quadrant and you will be remembered for generations. Your life is a success, Kathryn. More than that, it's an inspiration. You've shown everyone that it's possible to succeed against the odds. So don't think for a second that you're a failure. You're anything but."

There was a touching truth in those words that gave Kathryn some comfort, but still her heart hurt. She'd never asked to be famous, had never sought to be, and for inner peace she would relinquish it all in an instant. But that was a selfish desire. Gratuitous, even. Happiness, she'd always believed, was secondary to duty. And her duty was to use her abilities for the greater good.

Duty.

If only it didn't demand so many sacrifices.

"I also believe there's a time for everything," Holly went on. "You had a destiny to fulfill, a destiny that needed your life to take a certain course so you would fulfill it. But you have now. The rest of your life you can shape." She paused. "Maybe that's what the psychic meant about Chakotay. Maybe she saw you shared a great destiny, a journey to the stars, but mistook what she saw for marriage or romance. A close working relationship is, after all, kind of like a marriage. It's certainly a partnership. What you said earlier about guys...some of it is true. At least, it's true for some guys. When a woman's suffered the kind of trauma you have, then...then she needs a special kind of guy. An unselfish, patient, understanding man. Not all guys are like that. Just like all women aren't. Chakotay, he...he might not have those qualities. But the right guy, he will."

Right guy.

Who could be more right than Chakotay?

Who could be more understanding, gentle, patient and selfless?

"He does," she said tearfully, "have those qualities. He's...he's a rock, a shelter, a harbor in the storm. My rock, my shelter...my anchor. Without him, I'm...I'm just drifting. And I never knew that. I never knew until now just how much...just how much I depend on him...just how much I need him to be there. And he was...always there. No matter what I did, what I said, he was always there. I pushed him to the brink so many times but he never pushed back. Sometimes, I think, I pushed him just to see if he would. But he didn't. And he watched out for me, you know? Even in the beginning, when he should have hated me, he watched my back. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him. When I...when I took that step too far, when I was dangling over a cliff on some suicide mission, he pulled me back. Sometimes I hated him for it, because there were times when I just didn't want to live anymore, but he was always there. My needs first, he said. And that's...that's always what he did. Even at personal cost. Because we could have been home four years ago, Holl. An alien offered to help us if I slept with him, but when Chakotay found out about the deal, he beamed me out of there."

"And thank God he did. What were you thinking, Kath?"

"About my crew, what else? But Chakotay said we weren't getting home that way, not ever. And that...it wasn't all. I was a mess...drunk and naked...but he took care of me and told the crew nothing. And not for the first time. That night at the fancy dress party...when we saw him again and I tried to pull him for a bet...he took care of me later when I passed out. He took me to his home and...and he treated me like a lady even though I was a slut. Because that's the kind of man he is, Holl. A good, decent, moral man. And I...I trust him completely. That's why I...I don't understand about the flashback. I knew he wouldn't hurt me. He'd never hurt me." Tears began to choke her now. "And I wanted to be with him, Holl. I ached to be with him. So why did it happen? Why?"

"I don't know, Kath," Holly replied. "Perhaps because somewhere, deep inside, a part of you didn't trust him. To be hurt the way you were by someone you love...that's got to be the hardest violation to come to terms with. I can't imagine it. If Ben or my father...I can't imagine it."

"But I do trust him. I'd trust him with my life."

"In your conscious mind you do, but flashbacks...well, the subconscious comes into play. But people better qualified than me will have the answers."

"He held me," Kathryn said quietly, "afterwards. Stayed with me until morning. And I felt so safe in his arms. Safer than I'd ever felt in my life. I never wanted to be anywhere else. But the next day I told him it was business as usual. I wish I hadn't. I wish I'd been stronger. I wish I'd told him the truth. I had so many chances to change things for us. Not just on Voyager but before."

"It wasn't meant to be, Kath. If it was, you and he would have hit it off on that very first date."

"There never was a date," Kathryn said. "I didn't show up."

"What?" Holly exclaimed. "But you told me..."

"Over the years I've said a lot of things, Holl, made up a lot of excuses. The truth is, I chickened out. I got to the restaurant, even as far as the bar, but when I saw him...I couldn't do it. I felt sick inside, dizzy, and I just had to get away. So I went to Hawaii for a couple of hours."

"Oh, Kath," Holly said sadly.

"But I wish I'd stayed, Holl. Even though I'm glad Justin came into my life, and I wouldn't change that time for anything, if I'd stayed then...then maybe all our lives would have been better."

"Maybe, but regrets...they don't do any good. We can't know how things would have played out if we'd done things differently. Maybe things would have been worse. All that matters is what we do now. So let's not beat ourselves up over woulda, coulda, shoulda, ok? Because if you have regrets, I do too. Let's just look to the future. A friend of a friend is a shrink and I can get you some sessions. I'll even come with you, if that would help."

"Thanks, but...but a shrink can't help me. No one can help me. I have to help myself." Tears filled her eyes. "I just...I just don't know how to. Sex it...everything comes down to it."

"That's not true, Kath. It's a wonderful part of life but it's not the most important."

"But it is, Holl. Don't you see? Everything depends on it...having a husband, a child, a family. Even peace of mind. If there was no sex then...then Chakotay and I would be together. But because I...because of the problem...I lost him. I lost him because of sex. I'm alone because of sex. I'm childless because of sex. And I'm hurting because of sex. And I will always be all those things because of sex. So don't tell me it's not important, Holly. It's destroyed and devastated my life. And I can't take it anymore. I can't take the pain anymore. I can't take the fight. Because it never gets better, never gets easier. And love...love just makes it worse. Because it isn't a magic wand, Holly. It doesn't make all the hurt go away. I thought it would...Justin...Chakotay...I thought love would be enough. But it wasn't. I still...the flashback. And other men...I'm tired of being looked at. I'm tired of seeing lust in every man's eyes. And nothing changes that. Not cutting my hair...nothing. Men just want me for a lay and...and that's never going to change."

"Not all men, Kath. You know Justin didn't...Mark...even Chakotay. They wanted you for you. They loved you for you. And, when that's the case, sex becomes an expression of that love, not the foundation."

"I know that, Holly. I do know that. Deep inside...I know that. And I know what passion's like...I know how it feels to desire. When I was with Justin...when I look at Chakotay...I've felt desire. And it...I liked it. Because it was good...a rush...a high... Sometimes, on Voyager, I'd look into Chakotay's eyes and...and they would take me to another place. A beautiful place of wonder and joy. And when he touched me, when he kissed me, I felt...euphoric. But then...then the darkness would come. Just out of no where. And then...and then I'd be in hell. But I know the difference. I know the difference between love and...and what I've done with strangers. But what I know and what I feel...they're not the same. Even though my head screams that love is real, even though my heart feels that love, somewhere inside, somewhere in some dark and horrid place, all those black thoughts live. And they scream louder, Holl. Sometimes they scream louder."

"Oh, Kath..."

"And I'm tired of the battle. I'm tired of trying to silence the demons. I can't. I can't fight them. But I can't give into them either. I can't live this way anymore. I just...it was so much easier with strangers. There was no love to confuse things. No expectations. There was just sex. That's all they wanted. Sex. And, so long as I was drunk, I could do it. But the truth is, I never enjoyed it. Not once, not one time. The kissing, the touching...just empty. Like I wasn't there. Like I was outside myself looking down. But the guys...they always got off. Always got their shot of pleasure. And that...that's all they were there for. They didn't give a damn about me. Not a damn."

"Because they were losers, Kath. But you're not a loser and you can have so much better. But it won't get better unless you talk to someone."

"But what's the point, Holly? Now that Chakotay's...what's the point?"

"The point is you, Kath. Yes, you could get help for Chakotay's sake, or another man's sake, but you have to do it for your sake. And you can, Kath. You can beat this. And I'll help you. Your mother and Phoebe too."

"No," Kathryn said. "I don't want them to know. They've been through enough and...and they're so happy to have me home."

"But they'd want to know, Kath."

"Maybe, but I don't want them to know. Me and Phoebe we...we're not that close, anyway. I'm more comfortable talking to you."

"Then talk to me, Kath, and talk to a shrink. Please."

"It would be a waste of time."

"Please, Kath. If you need someone to do it for, then...then do it for me. You're my best friend, even after all these years, and I...I can't bear to see you in all this pain. And I know I can't watch from the sidelines as you destroy yourself and everything you've achieved." A tear ran down her cheek. "I mean it, Kath, I can't do it. So, please, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for me."

At this heartfelt plea, at the agony in her friend's eyes, Kathryn could only relent. "Ok, Holl," she said quietly. "I'll do it...I'll see this shrink. But only if it's a woman. I couldn't...I couldn't talk about this stuff with a guy."

"She is a woman...and a nice one too. I've met her...several times."

"Then I'll... I'll see her."

Relief swept across Holly's face and she smiled through tears. "Oh, Kath, that's great...just great." She then drew Kathryn close. "And she'll really help, I know she will."

Kathryn hugged her friend back but wasn't so sure. It was hard to believe that talking, even with the best shrink in the Federation, would make the hurt go away. All the grisly skeletons in her closet. All the haunting ghosts. It would take a lot of strength to exorcise those demons and her strength was gone. Gone like Chakotay's love. She couldn't fight anymore. Couldn't fix her heart only to have it broken again. But Holly was right. Telling someone about what had happened did make her feel better. With every word a little of the heavy load on her shoulders had felt lighter. So maybe there was a release in words after all. Maybe talking would bring freedom. But, whatever the case, she had to try. Somehow, someway, she had to find the strength to try. What was the alternative? For herself, and for those who loved her, she had to try.

"Now," Holly said when she finally drew away, "how about you get yourself tidied up and we have ourselves some coffee on the balcony?"

Kathryn nodded. "Sounds good."

"Then let's get to it."

With that, Holly squeezed her arm and then...

And then she was gone.

END OF CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR


	25. Chapter 25

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE**

FOUR MONTHS LATER

In a sunny room that had a southern aspect, Kathryn stood on a step-ladder painting a red wall yellow. Her hair was pulled back from her freckled face in a high ponytail and she was wearing blue dungarees over a white t-shirt. The room was her main lounge in her spacious new house in Bloomington and, after enduring the blazing red wall for weeks, she was finally getting rid of it now the weather was warm enough for decorating. Large patio doors, leading onto an ornate lawn, let in a cool morning breeze, and aside from a silver replicator, the room was empty. All her furniture she'd beamed into the attic, and the carpet, a grotesque green with red zigzags, she'd beamed to the local recycle facility. While she was at it, she'd beamed a flashy orange carpet in her bedroom too, and had had it replaced with a calmer peach one. The couple who'd owned the house before her had made a lot of improvements, as it was an old house dating back to 2230, but their taste in decor left a lot to be desired! The only room in the house that was pleasing to the eye was the bathroom. It had gorgeous white tiles that shimmered the colors of the rainbow, a gleaming blue marble floor, a free standing bath of glittering gold, and a long window that looked out at Lake Griffy. While no bathroom had ever impressed her as much as the unforgettable one in Chakotay's lodge, and she doubted any bathroom ever could, this one had impressed her enough to make her take the house.

After what had been a harrowing homecoming, Kathryn was now feeling better about life. Her sessions with the psychologist were going well and, with her support and Holly's, she finally felt as though she was winning the battle she had been fighting alone for so long. Already she understood so much more about herself than she had, and it helped to know that she wasn't alone, that other women were fighting the same battle too, even men. There were still difficult days, lonely and despairing days when she felt the fight was pointless, but those days were not most days. Most days were bearable. Some days were even good. If it wasn't for missing Chakotay then perhaps more days would be. But she did miss him, missed him profoundly. Since getting home they had only seen each other a few times, even though he and Seven had split up almost as soon as they had got together, and it had been almost six weeks since their last meeting as he was presently on Trebus. However, he'd promised to return for Voyager's grand opening as a museum, and as that was in two days time, he could be expected any moment. What his plans were after, she didn't know. Perhaps he would take up one of the many teaching posts he had been offered, or perhaps he would choose to work at one of Starfleet's research facilities, but a part of her feared that he would return to Trebus. His homeworld was now independent of Cardassian rule, as were several others in the former demilitarized zone, and his people were re-settling there. It would be tempting for him to stay and help them. She knew he yearned for a place to belong, for a home and a family, and on Trebus he could have those and make a difference. All she could do was hope that he would stay on Earth, that he'd only ever be just a transport away.

But, as much as she wanted that, above all she wanted him to be happy. It had been with mixed emotions that she'd received the news about him and Seven. A part of her was glad that he was once again free, for with that freedom came a new hope that maybe one day there would be a time for them, but another part of her was sad, sad that he still hadn't found what he was looking for, that, like her, his soul was still searching for peace.

Peace.

That desired state of being that was ever elusive.

But, perhaps, finally it was within reach. Jackie, her psychologist, certainly believed it was and, with her help, she was taking steps towards it.

Steps, not leaps, but she was moving.

Moving away from the darkness.

Finally facing the light.

_Learning to love herself._

That, Jackie said, was the third and most crucial step on the road to recovery. The first was talking, the second was accepting that she was not in any way to blame for what happened, that the blame was all Neal's.

_Learning to love herself._

To take care of herself.

To believe she was a worthwhile person who deserved to be loved.

It wasn't easy, self-neglect and self-denial were habits of a lifetime, but slowly her self-esteem was improving. Never had she realized just how low it was, but Jackie said that was common amongst those with the same or similar problems. It had been difficult opening up to Jackie at first, and she had almost changed her mind about the sessions, but now she was glad she had gone. It was good talking to someone who not only understood how she felt, but could help her make sense of her feelings, and could offer real hope of overcoming them. There were more issues to deal with than the rape, Jackie said, issues relating to her childhood, issues relating to survivor guilt, issues relating to the delta quadrant.

So many issues.

But slowly she was working through them.

Slowly she was setting Kathryn free.

Slowly she was learning to love her.

_Love her and stop punishing her._

When the wall was finally finished, Kathryn stepped down from the ladder, put down her roller, and inspected her work.

"What do you think, Kollie?" she asked a scruffy black dog that was watching her with a gleam in his eye. "Good work or good work?"

The young dog bounced over to her, his tail wagging, and Kathryn tickled his ear.

"And so say I. In fact, I say this deserves a coffee."

With that, Kathryn went over to the replicator and replicated herself a cup of black coffee. But, just as she was picking it up, the computer spoke.

"Incoming transport request."

Kathryn sighed. Now was not a good time for visitors. The house was topsy turvy and she wanted to get all the painting done by noon. After lunch she had an important meeting to attend and a lecture to give at The Academy. If this visitor was anyone other than her mother, Phoebe, Holly, or B'Elanna, then she would have to politely deny their request.

"I repeat," the computer said, "incoming transport request."

"Who makes it?" she asked.

"Chakotay."

At this, Kathryn's heart skipped a beat. Chakotay was back? At last!

"Request accepted," she said quickly. "Beam him to my location."

"Acknowledged, Ma'am. Stand by."

Kathryn held her breath while she waited, the moments feeling like an eternity, but at last the blue beam of the transporter glowed before her and Chakotay materialized. He was wearing a brown jacket over black pants and his hair, jet black on their last meeting, was now streaked with silver.

"Hi," he smiled.

"Hi to you," Kathryn smiled in return. "Welcome back."

"Thank you. It's good to be back."

Good to be back. Kathryn joyed at these words. If he was glad to be back then he couldn't be planning to settle on Trebus.

"But I should have known I'd find you with a coffee," he teased. "I swear you have a cup glued to your hand."

Kathryn laughed. "Not quite. But you'll be pleased to know I drink only decaff now."

"Really?"

"Fortified with vitamins. All part of the new me. No more skipping meals, no more midnight snacking. I'm in bed by eleven every night, well almost every night, and I'm eating well. In fact, one could say too well. I've put on ten pounds."

"Good. You were getting too thin, Kathryn. At one point I was worried."

"I know. But you don't have to worry now. Mom, Aunt Martha, and HQ's canteen keep me well fed. Oh, Chakotay, you should see the food there. Every delight you could ever imagine and all hand cooked. Definitely a food lover's paradise."

Chakotay smiled. "As I'm guessing it's for admirals only, I doubt I'll be seeing its delights any time soon."

"Don't be so sure. Guests are allowed so, if you come with me, you're in."

"Is that an invitation?"

"It is. You owe me a lunch, remember?"

"I sure do," he said, remembering their last day on Voyager.

"So, what do you say? Shall we eat there today? Unless, of course, you have plans."

"I don't...have plans. But is today convenient for you? It looks like you're very busy here."

"I am, but I should be finished by lunch...especially if you give me a hand."

Chakotay laughed. "So that's your motive. A dinner in exchange for labor."

"You got me," she teased. "But will you...lend a hand?"

"Gladly."

Kathryn smiled. "Then get your jacket off, Sir, and get stuck in. If you haven't figured it out, I'm painting the red yellow."

"Too bright for your taste?"

"So bright, I need sunglasses just to sit in here. But don't tell me you like it."

"I've seen worse," he said, handing her his jacket.

"Really? Where?"

"My cousin's lounge. Nothing wrong with orange and lime, they're fine colors, but when they're stars and stripes on a pink wall, they're a definite migraine maker."

"I'd say," Kathryn laughed. "What is it with some people? Are they color blind and don't know it? You should have seen the carpet in here, Chakotay. Green with red zigzags. Oh, it was awful! But, before we get painting, let me get you a drink. What would you like?"

"A coffee would be good."

"Then a coffee it is. But first, I'll..."

Suddenly, unexpectedly, she stopped talking and looked anxiously around the room.

"What is it?" Chakotay asked. "Something wrong?"

"Let's just say," she answered, "a bundle of fur is missing and so is my roller. And I have a feeling they're in the same place." With that, she handed Chakotay her coffee and went over to the open patio door. Just as she predicted, Kollie was in the garden, the roller in his mouth. The mischievous dog was holding it by the handle and wading through a bed of colorful flowers.

"Kollie!" Kathryn cried. "Get back here! Get back here now!"

Chakotay smiled. "Got yourself a dog?"

"More like a monster," she answered. "Kollie! Here, now!"

But again the animal ignored her.

"Damn dog. I'll have to go get him before he gives himself paint poisoning. Please, make yourself comfortable on the patio. And, if you don't mind it black without sugar, help yourself to my coffee. It'll be cold by the time I get around to drinking it. Oh, and here's your jacket..."

With that, she handed him back the coat and ran across the lawn after her delinquent pet. As she did, Chakotay went to sit at a classy black table that decked the patio, and laughed as Kathryn waded through flowers after a lively black dog that was clearly having the time of its life. Then, with leaves on her legs and mud on her shoes, Kathryn emerged from the flowerbed with the dog under her arm.

"Stupid mutt," she said as she reached the patio. "Look at the state of him! He's positively covered in paint! I'm going to have a hell of a time getting it off. Luckily, I don't think he's eaten any as there's none around his mouth." She then held the pup up before her. "What am I going to do with you, eh? I knew you'd get under my feet today, I just knew it!" She then turned back to Chakotay. "But let me get you two acquainted. Kollie, this is my friend and former First Officer, Chakotay. Chakotay, this is Kollie."

Chakotay smiled. "Pleased to meet you, Kollie."

"If you're wondering whether he's any relation to Mollie," Kathryn went on, "given the name choice, then he is. He's her great, great, grandson. Phoebe took one of her pups and this terror's a direct descendant. Of course, the red setter's all but gone, but I can see a resemblance to Mollie in his eyes. I called him Kollie as a kind of a joke related to how Mollie was Mollie. Holly was with me when I got her and, on our way home, every time I called Holly, Mollie came running. Oh, it cracked us up, as you can imagine, and Holly teased that her name had to be Holly too. In fact, she insisted on me calling her that. But there was no way I was having my dog and my best friend called Holly, so we compromised on Mollie. You know...same sound, different spelling. It worked, Mollie responded to it, but she never did stop answering to Holly. Oh, we had some laughs. So, when I got this mutt, and was trying to pick out a name, the whole comedy invariably came up and Holly said I should call him Kollie. The olly for her, the K for me. And, you know what? The mutt barked. Honestly, Chakotay, he barked. I laughed so hard I thought I would sprain something and, after that, could call him nothing else."

Chakotay listened with heartfelt joy to Kathryn's rambling. It was so good to see her, so good to hear her voice. Over the last few weeks he had missed her so much the ache had been constant. Without her he felt...he felt only half alive. Never had he missed anyone as much. Never had he needed anyone as much. On Voyager she had always been there. Almost every day for seven years they had shared the mundane, the interesting, the exciting and the extraordinary. Whenever they'd come across an anomaly, or a beautiful star cluster, or a spectacular nebula, they had sought each other out and delighted in it together. Whenever there had been a drama or a death, they had come together and consoled each other. Over dinners they had laughed and talked; over strategies they had exchanged ideas and fought; concerts and parties they had attended together; almost every staff meeting they had held together; and together they had got their crew home.

Together, side by side.

And at his side is where he wanted her to be. Where he longed for her to be. Where he needed her to be. For he missed her being there. Had missed her being there on Trebus. Nothing could ease the ache in his heart, not even a distance of light years. He'd hoped it would. He'd hoped the time away would help him get over her. But he had never got over her. Not on Voyager, not now. He loved her now as much as he'd ever loved her, perhaps even more. Seven had been a lonely mistake, he knew that now, and he deeply regretted the affair. If things had happened differently, if he'd waited for Kathryn just a little bit longer, then maybe they'd be together now. She had loved him once, at least she had said so, and maybe, out of a command structure, she could love him again.

But then, maybe she still loved Jaffen. Losing him had broken her heart and maybe it wasn't yet quite mended. Kathryn was never one to hold back when she wanted something, not without good reason. On Voyager, the barrier to a relationship had always been their positions. Now they were out of a command structure, and both single, if she was interested in pursuing a romantic relationship then she would surely say so. All he knew was that he could not say so. Several times since their return he had come close, but at the last moment his courage had failed him. He was afraid of compromising their friendship, of losing her completely by asking for more than she could give, and he was afraid of being hurt again. Not that his heart ever stopped hurting. For Kathryn, he was beginning to think it never would.

"The vet says he'll grow to the size of a sheep dog," Kathryn went on, "so I'd better have him trained by them. He's terribly naughty, Chakotay. Yesterday he chewed up Aunt Martha's hat, though how he got hold of it I don't know as it was high on a hook, and the day before that he chewed his way through five pairs of shoes."

"He certainly seems like quite a handful," Chakotay said. "Maybe you've met your match."

"I think I have. But I do love him, Chakotay. He's as cute as a baby and absolutely adorable when good. It's hard to believe I've only had him a month." She then held up the roller. "But please excuse me while I take this in and beam this ragamuffin to my sister. She can sort him out. I know she's busy, but so am I."

Kathryn then hurried inside, did what she needed to do, and then returned with a tray. On it was a pot of coffee, a jug of cream, a bowl of sugar, a coffee-cup for herself, and two generous slices of coffee-cake.

"After that less than hospitable welcome," she said, placing the tray on the table, "let me make it up to you with elevensies. The coffee is freshly replicated, if you want a top up, the cream and sugar real, and the cake baked only yesterday by yours truly."

Chakotay raised an eyebrow. "Really? You made it?"

The moist cake looked deliciously spongy and was topped with pretty swirls of coffee cream. Kathryn's efforts, if at all edible, were usually burnt around the edges, and the top was plastered, rather than decorated, with cream.

"I did," she said proudly. "I've been having cooking lessons from Aunt Martha and I'm finally getting good. It helps that my new oven likes me. Not one thing has it burnt yet. Not even a roast. In fact, they've come out quite perfect. Maybe not to professional standards but definitely as good as replicated. The only disaster I've had was with a souffle, but that was not the oven's fault, it was mine for being over ambitious." She placed a slice of cake before Chakotay and then sat down. "So, give me your verdict."

Chakotay took a bite and Kathryn watched as he ate it.

"Well?" she asked impatiently.

Chakotay's eyes twinkled. "Just one word...awful."

Kathryn's face fell. "Really? It's awful?"

"No," he smiled. "It's absolutely delicious."

At this, Kathryn laughed and playfully smacked his arm. "Oh, you..."

"But did you really make it?"

"I did. It came in a packet, so I only had to add eggs and water, but..."

Her words trailed as Chakotay suddenly laughed.

"What?" she asked. "What's so funny?"

"You. Packets are cheating."

"I know. But they still have to be mixed, baked and decorated. For some of us, those tasks are big asks."

"Well, it looks like you have them beat. Packet or not, this cake is wonderful. Well done."

"Thank you, Sir. Now, would you like cream and sugar in that coffee?"

"Yes, please."

Kathryn stirred in cream and sugar and then poured herself a coffee, speaking as she did.

"A lot's been happening since you've been away," she said. "Tom's started a whole new career as a holo-novelist and The Doctor's become an opera sensation. He still has the day job, of course, holograms don't get tired, but he's performing to packed out theaters every night. Sam and her husband have renewed their wedding vows, Harry and Libby have got re-engaged, and Tal Celes has married a European prince after a whirlwind romance. Finally, after forever trying, we've made contact with Neelix and he's told us he's going to be a father. I'm so happy for him, Chakotay. And I'm so glad we're in touch now. I'd hate to never know what becomes of him. But you've probably heard all this from B'Elanna."

"Yes," he answered. "The bit about Tom being a holo-novelist about ten times."

Kathryn laughed. "She pretends like it's a boys with their toys thing but I know she's made up really. It means having him around. I know she was worried he would want to return to space. Quite a few have, surprisingly, including the Delaney sisters. They took up posts on the USS Neptuna last week. Supposedly because they want to explore deep space, but I'm sure the attractions of the ship's handsome captain had something to do with it." She took a sip of coffee. "But enough about what's been happening here. I want to know what's been happening with you." She paused. "How did your visit to Trebus go? I know it can't have been easy."

"No," he answered, picking up his coffee now he had finished the cake. "But it was easier than I thought. Our settlement has been rebuilt and is now a thriving community. Seeing life where there was once death, and hearing laughter where there was once weeping, was a great comfort, even a joy. I will never forget the desolation after the massacre, the smoking black ashes and sulfur air, but now when I think of my homeworld, it's the new life I will remember. The love, the laughter, and the hope. My family, and all those who perished, would be proud of our tribe's resilience. And that...that's the best way of honoring their memories."

"I thought, maybe," Kathryn said hesitantly, "that you would want to stay, that you'd want to help the re-settlement."

"No," he replied. "Even though much has changed since...well, since I first left...for me one thing hasn't changed, and that is my knowledge that I don't belong there." He paused. "My sister wanted me to stay, my cousin too, but tribal life is not for me."

"How was your sister?"

"Good. It was wonderful to see her and we were both keen to heal the rift between us. I'm glad we did. If there's one thing we've both learned from all that's happened it's how precious family is. Even though we still have our differences, we'll never again let them come between us."

"In a way," Kathryn said, "that's true of me and Phoebe too. We appreciate each other now in a way we never did before. Even though we're like chalk and cheese, we're still sisters, and that's...it's very special. We're determined to be closer in the future. And I think we will be. Part of the problem before was the amount of time I spent in space. Now I'm working on Earth, we'll see each other all the time."

"How is work?" Chakotay asked. "Do you enjoy being an admiral?"

"For the most part, yes. There are a lot of perks, not least the aforementioned restaurant, and it's always fun to pull rank. But, if I'm honest, a part of me misses space. I guess because it's been my life for so long. But there'll be opportunities to venture out there, so I'm happy." She paused. "What about you? Have you decided your next move?"

"Yes," he teased. "To replicate a roller so we can paint."

Kathryn laughed and then downed what was left of her coffee. "Time is moving on so I guess we'd better get stuck in. But seriously, Chakotay, any decisions?"

"Not yet," he answered, getting to his feet. "I'm still considering options." He then gestured to the replicator. "May I?"

"Of course...whatever you need. Oh, and replicate a roller for me too. I had to recycle the other."

Chakotay smiled. "Yes, Ma'am."

He then replicated two rollers and they got to work.

* * *

><p>When the painting was done, and all the furniture was back in place, Kathryn and Chakotay cleaned themselves up and then left for Starfleet Headquarters. The restaurant was every bit as delightful as Kathryn had said, even having a spectacular view, and they enjoyed a lavish lunch of exotic salad and pasta.<p>

"I really am very impressed," Chakotay said as he ate. "I don't think I've ever had a finer salad. This lettuce is crisp, yet juicy, and these blue tomatoes are delicious."

"They are, aren't they?" Kathryn agreed. "I don't know where they come from but I'm determined to grow some." She took a sip of mineral water. "I've often wondered what happened to the tomatoes I planted on New Earth. I'd like to think they grew and thrived."

"Well," Chakotay teased, "if they did, I'm sure the monkey appreciated them."

"Yes," Kathryn laughed. "I just hope they didn't poison him...you know, alien primates with Talaxian tomatoes? But I bet he totally ransacked the house."

"Or he moved in," Chakotay joked. "Maybe with his mate."

"Oh, yes. Wouldn't that be something? A family of monkeys sitting around our table."

"Eating tomatoes."

"Yes."

As they laughed, their eyes met, and for a moment Kathryn felt like they were back on Voyager, back to how things used to be, back in the good days.

The good days.

Weren't these supposed to be the good days?

Weren't these the better times they had crossed a galaxy for?

Better times.

The best times had been on Voyager.

The best times had been together.

Together.

And together she wanted them to be.

Together they belonged.

_Warmth. Safety. Love._

Even across a table she could feel them.

Feel them and almost touch them. If only...

If only she had the courage to reach out.

But now wasn't the time, wasn't the place. A dozen eyes were upon them and Admiral Pentroth, a tall man with gray hair, was making a beeline for their table.

"Admiral Janeway," he said as he reached them, "Commander Chakotay. What an unexpected delight. May I join you?"

At this interruption, Kathryn saw regret in Chakotay's eyes, the same regret she was feeling, but not wanting to be rude she forced a smile. "Of course, Admiral."

The man sat next to her and put down the tray he was holding. "I believe, Commander," he said to Chakotay, "that you are still unassigned."

"That's right," Chakotay answered. "I've had plenty of offers, from Starfleet and elsewhere, but nothing as yet has taken my fancy."

"Then how does the captaincy of a brand new, intrepid class, two hundred crew, starship sound? I'm looking for someone to captain a deep space exploration mission and there's no one I'd rather have than you."

"Thank you, Sir," Chakotay said, "I'm deeply honored, but I'm not interested in returning to space. Certainly not for any length of time."

"I can understand that, but I think captaining is worth considering. You're an exemplary officer, one that has always been highly regarded, and I know I'm not alone in saying we'd like to welcome you into the admiralty eventually. While you were only second in command on Voyager, the extremity of your circumstance meant you bore more responsibilty than some captains bear in a lifetime. Whatever doubts were entertained about you following your resignation and deflection have long since been cast aside. Your dedication to the Voyager crew, your loyal service and your courage, has impressed us all, and with your knowledge and experience you would be an asset to the admiralty. Captain for a year or two and you're in."

"Thank you," Chakotay said again, "I really am flattered, but my preference is to teach."

"As an admiral you can do that too. Think about my offer. I'll give you until Monday."

Kathryn expected Chakotay to say he didn't need the time, that he wouldn't change his mind, but to her dismay he said otherwise.

"Ok," he said. "I'll think about it."

The Admiral smiled. "Excellent. And, to help you decide, I'll give you a personal tour of the ship after lunch...if you're free, that is."

"I am," he answered.

"Then after lunch it is."

The Admiral then went on to tell Chakotay about the ship, giving him details and specifications, but Kathryn hardly heard him. Absently, she gazed at what was left of her salad and moved it around with her fork. Why hadn't Chakotay turned the offer down flat? Why hadn't he insisted he wasn't interested? He wasn't one to waste anyone's time. He wouldn't say he'd think about it just to be polite. If he said he was going to think about it, then he would think about it. And if he was then...then he couldn't be feeling the way she was, couldn't be sharing her hope about the future, couldn't be wanting them to be together. And that...it hurt. It hurt like hell. Hurt because she'd let herself hope. But she had to stop. Somehow, someway, she had to let Chakotay go. Had to move on the way he had. Only then, perhaps, would the ache in her heart stop. They were not destined to be together, whatever the psychic had said, and it was time she accepted that. Accepted it and got on with her life. Hopes have to be realistic, Jackie said, dreams have to be achievable. Chakotay was a hope and a dream that was neither. He never had been. It was time to stop hoping. Time to stop dreaming. Time to wake up and accept the fact that she had lost him.

"What do you say, Admiral Janeway?"

At the sound of her name, Kathryn came out of her thoughts. "I'm sorry?"

"About nothing comparing to the first time."

The first time.

Sex.

Neal.

Pain.

A familiar sinking in the stomach, a growing sickness...

But then the Admiral's next words abated it.

"In the big chair."

"Oh...yes," she said quietly.

The Admiral then looked at her in concern. "Are you ok? You look very pale."

"I'm fine, I just...I have a slight headache. In fact, I think I'll call lunch a day and take something for it."

"Ok," he said. "See you at the meeting later."

Kathryn nodded and then got to her feet. "Goodbye, Chakotay."

Without waiting for a reply, she walked away, but as she reached the door, Chakotay caught up with her.

"Kathryn," he said, stopping her. "Are you sure you're ok?"

"I'm fine...truly."

Gently, Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "You know that line doesn't work on me."

Kathryn felt tears sting her eyes, felt her defenses crumble in his presence the way they always did, but somehow she steeled herself.

"I'm really fine, Chakotay, just a headache."

"Would you like me to get you a hyposhot? You don't have to leave. We can make our excuses and take a walk in the park."

A walk in the park. It sounded heavenly. But, feeling the way she did, and knowing that Chakotay didn't feel the way she did, would just make it hell.

"Another time," she replied. "I've got reports to read before my meeting."

"Then have dinner with me tonight? We've still got a lot of catching up to do."

"I know," Kathryn answered, "but I...I have plans for tonight."

"I see," Chakotay said sadly. "How about tomorrow?"

"I...I'm busy then too," she lied. "In fact, I don't think I'll see you now until the opening ceremony." She lowered her eyes and fidgeted with her fingers. "But I'm really glad you're back and...and thank you for today."

"It's been a pleasure, Kathryn. I'm only sorry that...well, I've missed you."

Missed you.

The words almost made Kathryn buckle. Almost made her fall into his arms and tell him she'd missed him too. Missed him every single second of every single day.

Almost, but not quite.

Pain strengthened her.

The painful knowledge that he missed her only as a friend.

"And I you," she finally said. "But I...I really am busy."

"Then I guess I'll see you on Saturday. Would you like me to escort you to the ceremony?"

Kathryn gave a nod. "I would. I mean...people will probably expect it."

Those words hurt him, she could tell, as they made it sound as though she only wanted him at her side out of duty. But she would rather him think that than to know she wanted him there out of love.

"So," she went on, "I'll beam to your place at about 18:00 hours. The media will probably camp outside my house and...well, they'll have a harder time spying on us in your complex."

"Yes," he agreed.

"So I'll see you then. Goodbye, Chakotay."

"Goodbye," he replied.

Kathryn then turned around and in moments was gone.

END OF CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE


	26. Chapter 26

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER TWENTY SIX**

Sitting on a stool before her antique dressing table, the dying night shut out by white blinds, Kathryn looked at herself in the mirror while Holly styled her hair. Tonight was the night of Voyager's opening ceremony and Holly was helping her to get ready. Now that her hair was long again, Kathryn had fallen back into the habit of wearing it in a bun, but tonight she was going to leave it loose. Holly had already done her make-up and Kathryn hardly recognized herself in the mirror. Her skin was flawless, her lips a plump pink, her cheeks a subtle blush, and her eyelids glittered with a gold that matched the beautiful gown she was wearing. It was made of shimmering satin and had a stunning strapless bodice with a long skirt that flared out sensationally. Voyager's opening as a museum was quite the media event and Kathryn was dressed to impress. Millions of eyes were going to be watching her and she didn't want to disappoint. But, thankfully, her role in the celebrations was going to be relatively small. As Voyager's famous captain, she was to have the honor of opening the museum, but Jenna Jarvis, a popular presenter, was hosting the event. First there was going to be live music, then speeches, and after the opening, which was going to be the traditional cutting of a ribbon, there was going to be a party in the holodeck for guests and vips. Kathryn was looking forward to this the most as she hadn't seen a lot crewmembers since the homecoming. Of course, not all of her former crew would be present, as many had returned to their homeworlds or to space, but most would be there.

"You're going to knock them dead, Kath," Holly said as she finished styling her hair. "You look absolutely amazing."

In the mirror, Kathryn's eyes met her friend's. "Thanks, Holl."

"But don't forget to wear that most important accessory...a smile."

"I won't," Kathryn replied. "I promise."

"And make it a real one, ok? This is a night to remember, so enjoy it."

"I will. And I'm looking forward to it, truly. I just...well, I can't help how I feel."

"About Chakotay?"

Kathryn nodded and turned to her friend. "I don't want him to leave, Holl. If he takes that captaincy then...I don't want to think about it. But, on the other hand, I don't want to be around him either. It hurts to still love him when...when he's moved on."

"You don't know that for sure, Kath. Maybe he thinks you're the one who's moved on. You did let him believe you loved that alien guy. If you love him this much, and the thought of him leaving hurts you this much, then tell him how you feel. What's there to lose?"

"Everything. By some miracle, our friendship has survived all I've put it through over the years, but I don't think it could survive another round. If he doesn't feel the same, and I don't think he does, then...then I think I'd lose him altogether. I can't risk that. I'd rather have him in my life as just a friend than to not have him in my life at all."

"I can understand that. But I think you're losing him anyway, Kath. If he takes this commission then he could be gone for years."

"I know. And a part of me does want to tell him, but I can't. I can't do that to him. I've hurt him enough over the years and I can't ask him now for a love he might not be able to return. It wouldn't be fair. If he does still love me then I need him to say so first."

"But he might be waiting for you to say so."

"Maybe. But even if he does...still love me...I can't ask him to stay for me. I wouldn't want him to stay for me. He deserves this captaincy and, as Admiral Pentroth said, it would be his ticket into the admiralty. I can't stand in the way of that. As an admiral he'd be able to do all the things he's always dreamed about, like commissioning astro-archaeological expeditions and teaching the subject at the Academy. I want that for him. He deserves that."

"The choice would be his, Kath. But even if he did go, would that have to be the end of things? A year or two isn't long, not really. If the time apart means he could do what he's always wanted to afterwards then surely it's worth it."

"Of course. I would wait for him. After Justin I swore I would never get involved with a serving officer again, and it wouldn't be easy not knowing if he's dead or alive every day, but I'd wait as long as it takes. Besides, Justin didn't die on duty, he...well, you know how he died." Tears filled her eyes. "But I really don't think Chakotay loves me anymore. And it hurts, Holl. It still hurts."

Holly took Kathryn's hands in hers. "I know. And I wish I could wave a magic wand and give you a happy ending, but all I can do is talk to Chakotay if you'd like me too. If you can't tell him how you feel, I can on your behalf."

"No," Kathryn replied. "I appreciate the offer, but the ball has to stay in his court. It's been in mine long enough."

"But if he leaves, then..."

"Then I'll have to accept I've lost him," Kathryn interrupted. "And I have...I have accepted that. At least, I've accepted that I have to accept that."

"But if he does still love you, but neither of you will make the first move, then it's such a waste of love. Such a lot of needless heartache."

"I know. But I can't tell him, Holl. And I want you to promise me that you won't tell him either."

"But I don't want you to hurt, Kath. God knows, you've hurt enough already. If Chakotay loves you, and you love him, then you deserve to be happy together. I want you to be happy together. I want you to love and be loved. You need that."

"I know. I know I need that. But promise me, Holly. Promise me you won't say anything...please."

Holly hesitated, but at the desperate longing in Kathryn's eyes, she relented. "Ok, I promise. But it's conditional, ok? If you change your mind, and want me to tell him, then I will. Deal?"

Kathryn nodded. "Deal."

* * *

><p>When Kathryn was finally ready to leave, Holly placed a shawl around her shoulders, a gold one that matched her glittering gown, and then Kathryn beamed to Chakotay's apartment. It was on the tenth floor of a luxury complex in Washington state, and Kathryn had never been there before. The few times they had seen each other prior to his departure for Trebus had all been in a public place. As she waited for the transport, Kathryn steeled herself for Chakotay's presence. Even though there had been awkward times between them on Voyager, difficult and painful times, being around him then had never been as hard as it was now they were home. Perhaps because there were no longer any defining parameters around them, no dividing line between them, and without those boundaries it was unclear what exactly their relationship was. They were stranded somewhere in that twilight zone between friends and lovers and it was an uncomfortable place to be.<p>

At last the transport came and Kathryn found herself in a gorgeous lounge. It had walls of midnight blue, a large white corner sofa that was decorated with colorful cushions, a silver carpet adorned with furry white rugs, and in the middle of one wall was a magnificent fireplace that was round, silver, and alive with copper flames. The room was quite simply stunning and was made all the more so by a spectacular arched window that looked out at a blue ocean. It was all so impressive that Kathryn almost forget where she was and why, but then Chakotay entered the room and she remembered. He was dressed in a black suit, complete with a black shirt, and looked dashingly handsome. Kathryn couldn't help but gaze at him, gaze and feel a stirring inside, and for a long moment he gazed at her too. Gazed at her in a way that took her breath away. Then, at last, he spoke.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," Kathryn replied.

"You look...incredible."

"Thank you. You look good too." She then cast her eyes around the room again. "And this place...just amazing. I love the colors, love the fireplace, love the rugs." Slowly, she walked over to the imposing window and looked out. "And the view...just fabulous."

"If sea is all you want to see," Chakotay teased.

"But it's never the same, is it? The sea? It's always a different shade, always a different mood. You told me that once, that you love to see the sea in all its different moods."

Chakotay couldn't recall saying so, but if Kathryn said he'd said so then he must have.

"And I do too," she went on. "I love to see it calm, like the waves are just sleeping, or angry like they're raging."

"Very poetical," Chakotay said as he joined her at the window.

Kathryn looked up at him with a smile. "Then your way with words is brushing off on me."

Chakotay smiled back and, as he looked into her eyes, Kathryn felt herself drift. Drift to a place only he could take her. Gone was the awkwardness between them. Now there was only magic. A magic that had been missing for so long. A magic that made her soul fly.

"What mood do you see today?" he asked.

"I see...content," she whispered.

Chakotay's eyes smiled and, in the silence and the stillness, all Kathryn was aware of was him. Just him. Just his eyes, just his lips. And they were drawing hers to them like a metal to magnet. Drawing them like they had that day at the lodge when they'd kissed over the potter's wheel. And she wanted to kiss him now. Wanted to wrap her arms around his neck and kiss him forever. But she did not. Instead, she turned away and made small talk.

"I really do love this place," she said. "You have such an eye for decor. I've never known anyone with such exquisite taste. The dark and the light is inspired and the carpet is such a delightful touch. Want to do my house?"

Chakotay took his time to answer. For a moment there, just a moment, he'd seen the Kathryn of old. The Kathryn who had been in love with him, the Kathryn who had wanted him, and in that moment he'd been in heaven. But now that moment was gone and with it that Kathryn.

"Your house is just fine," he finally said.

"Maybe, but this place is regal. And your lodge...magnificent"

At this, Chakotay frowned. "How would you know?"

Kathryn stilled as she realized her blunder, stilled and felt her throat close, but then she turned to face him. Now they were home, now they were out of a command structure, there was no reason to keep him in the dark about their past connection. It was, perhaps, time to tell him. But, as she looked at him, she realized it wasn't. An hour before they were due to appear in public was not the time for lifechanging revelations. So, she took a deep breath and tried to talk her way out of her mistake.

"Well...you know," she said, "you've always described it in such a way that I can visualize it. Like reading a book. In my mind I can see it just the way it was...the chandeliers, the beams, the verandah, the views. I can see it all like I've been there." She then paused and looked deep into his eyes. "You should rebuild it."

Slowly, Chakotay closed the gap between them, his eyes searching hers, searching her soul. "If I do, will you still dance for me on the beach?"

Kathryn's heart skipped a beat. Was he really asking what she thought he was? Was he really asking if she still loved him? Was he saying he still loved her?

But then, before she could answer, the computer spoke. "Incoming call, Admiral Paris."

These words shattered the moment, dispelled the magic, and left only mutual regret.

"Accept," Chakotay said sadly.

In seconds, the Admiral's voice filled the room. "Good evening, Commander. Is Admiral Janeway with you?"

"She is," he replied.

"Good. Due to security issues, there have been some changes to plan, so we'd like to bring you both in as soon as possible. Are you ready?"

Chakotay hesitated, and Kathryn hoped he'd say no, that they needed a few more minutes, but he did not. "We are," he said.

"Then stand by for transport."

Seconds later, the blue beams of transport engulfed them and they dematerialized.

* * *

><p>Despite the last minute change of plans, Voyager's grand opening as a museum was a complete success. To the crowd's delight, Kathryn was escorted to the ceremonial ribbon by Chakotay, and with him at her side she cut it. Then The Doctor performed an aria, and as he was singing, everyone invited to the celebratory party entered Voyager and made their way to the holodeck. The party was in holodeck one and the setting was a ballroom. On a long mahogany table was a lavish buffet, just as there had been at the homecoming party, and in the middle of the hall was a dance floor. Rainbow lights lit it up and their colorful beams reflected on the hall's elegant windows. Outside the windows, stars twinkled in a black sky, and to the north of the hall was a bar and a balcony. The venue had been designed by Tom and everyone agreed that he'd done them proud.<p>

In no time at all, the hall was packed, and with so many people wanting to talk to her, Kathryn was quickly separated from Chakotay. In the throng she couldn't even see him. But, with great effort, she managed to find her mother and sister. They were dressed for the occasion too, wearing a blue and red dress respectively, and Kathryn was able to spend some time with them before being whisked away by Admiral Oliver Stokes who insisted on dancing with her. A series of dances followed until Holly, who had finally arrived, rescued her.

"Oh, thank God," Kathryn said as they drew to the side. "I thought I was never going to get away! One persistent man after another!"

"Fess it, Kath," Holly laughed. "You didn't resist very hard."

"Maybe not," Kathryn admitted. "I so love to dance. But boy am I parched!"

"Then let me get you a drink. What would you like? And don't you dare say coffee. One spill and that dress is ruined."

"I'll have a mineral water," Kathryn told her. "But make it a big one. I feel like I could drink a lake!"

Holly laughed and then got her friend the requested drink. Kathryn took it gratefully and then gulped it down in one go. As she did, a handsome man with gray hair and blue eyes approached.

"I hope that isn't vodka," he said.

At this, Kathryn span to face him with a smile. "Daniel Stevens! What a surprise! I thought you were in space!"

"Technically I am," he teased. "Earth is as much in space as any other planet."

Kathryn poked his stomach. "Ever Mr Wit! But how are you? How's Carly?"

"Happily married...but not to me. We divorced four years ago."

"I see," Kathryn replied. "I'm sorry to hear that."

"Don't be. It was a difficult marriage. But I'm proud to say one good thing came out it, and that's our daughter, Sarah. She's six now and quite the bright spark."

"With you as her father I'm not surprised. You've got to be one of the most acclaimed scientists in the Federation."

"Hardly."

"But you are. For instance, how many prizes have you won now?"

"I've lost count."

"Well, then, there you go!"

Daniel smiled and then turned to Holly. "I don't believe I've had the pleasure, Ma'am."

Kathryn spoke before Holly had the chance. "Oh, how rude of me not to introduce you! Holly, this is a former colleague of mine, and a famous physicist, Admiral Daniel Stevens. Daniel, this is my best friend, Lieutenant Holly Pemberton."

Daniel shook Holly's hand. "I'm pleased to meet you."

"Likewise," Holly said. "I'm not much of a physicist, exo-botany is my field, but I've read some of your work. It's impressive."

"It sure is," Kathryn agreed. "I don't think any other scientist has come up with as many revolutionary theories. You're truly a genius, Daniel."

"So I'm constantly told, but I'd hardly say so. I just think out of the box."

"Which is pretty much the same thing. Don't be modest."

Daniel laughed. "Look who's talking. You get your crew back from the other side of the galaxy, make contact with more species than any other captain in Federation history, retrieve drones from the borg and rehabilitate them, literally chart the new frontier, and bring back data on hundreds of alien worlds and anomalies, and yet you say in a press conference it was all in a day's work."

"Well, it was," Kathryn smiled. "New space and new species was our life in the Delta Quadrant. It was deal with them or die."

"Well, I'm glad you dealt with them, and I'm glad you're back. But instead of boosting each other's egos, how about we dance?"

"I would say no," Kathryn said, "as I've only just escaped the dance floor, but as it's you asking, I'll make an exception."

Daniel smiled and held out his hand to her. "Then step this way, Ma'am."

Kathryn gladly took his hand and they walked onto the dance floor.

* * *

><p>From a quiet corner of the hall, Chakotay watched as Kathryn danced yet another waltz with Admiral Daniel Stevens. They'd been dancing together for at least thirty minutes, and the sight was starting to bother him. Kathryn looked like she was enjoying herself too much and the Admiral was grinning like a Ferengi who'd just come up trumps. Normally, Chakotay wasn't the jealous type, but as he watched Kathryn laugh and spin in the arms of another man, there was no denying that he was jealous. So jealous that a part of him wanted to go over there and steal her away, but his reasonable side prevailed and he just watched from the sidelines.<p>

"The Admiral seems quite taken with that man, doesn't she?" Samantha Wildman said as she approached. "Do you know who he is?"

"Yes," Chakotay answered. "His name is Daniel Stevens and he's a renowned physicist. One of the greatest minds in the Federation, in fact."

"Really?" Samantha exclaimed. "That's Daniel Stevens? No wonder the Admiral's so smitten! You know...great minds and great minds. But what is he doing here? Did she invite him?"

"No. I presume he's one of the vip guests."

"I see. Well, it looks like they've really hit it off. Who knows, this might be the start of something special. I hope so. The Admiral deserves some happiness. She's never had much luck in the romantic stakes."

Chakotay could not disagree. But, as much as he wanted her to be happy, the thought of her being with another man hurt. And it hurt because it meant he had lost her. _Jealousy's about the fear of losing someone we love_, he had once told Neelix, and it was true. He was jealous of Admiral Stevens because he was afraid of losing Kathryn to him. But then, maybe he had lost Kathryn a long time ago. Lost her before he'd ever had her. She had never been his, not really. On Voyager the Captain had always stood between them, always keeping him at arm's length, and those few sacred times Kathryn had let him in, the Captain had pushed him away. Time was not, and never had been, on their side, and now the time for them had passed. Kathryn had moved on, had loved and lost another, and would never again feel for him what she once had. It was time to stop hoping for the hopeless. Time to move on.

Move on.

But how many times had he tried? How many times had he told himself it was time to let her go? Too many times. And every time he had failed. No matter what he did, what he told himself, his heart always came back to her. It was like her name was etched there, engraved there never to be erased. But he had to keep trying. What else could he do? Somehow he had to stop loving her, stop wanting her, stop needing her.

But how?

By putting a distance between them and accepting Admiral Pentroth's offer. On a new ship, with new people and new responsibilities, perhaps it would be easier to move on. There would be no reminders of Kathryn, no ghosts of the past to haunt him. He could make a new life for himself, broaden his horizons, and advance his career.

"And neither have you," Samantha went on. "I was sorry to hear about you and Seven. I thought you made a lovely couple."

Chakotay said nothing. The less said about that affair the better.

"I hear she's dating someone else now," Samantha continued, "the guy she's with tonight."

"Yes," Chakotay finally replied. "A childhood friend called Zak Travis."

Samantha was about to speak when her sister, an attractive woman with long red hair and green eyes, approached them.

"At last I find you," she said. "I've been looking all over." She then held out her hand to Chakotay. "I'm Teresa, Samantha's sister."

Chakotay took her hand and shook it. "Hi, Teresa."

"I served with you on The Triton," she informed him, "you were my second officer. But I don't suppose you remember me."

"I'm afraid I don't," he said honestly.

"I've served with Admiral Janeway too, but it was a long time ago, when she was just a lieutenant, and she doesn't remember me either. But then it was a difficult time for her as her father and fiancé had just died. She probably doesn't remember much about the time at all as she was drunk more than she was sober then. In fact, she almost got demoted for drunken and reckless behavior. Hard to believe it now."

Chakotay had to smile. "The Admiral, drunk and reckless? I don't think so. You must be confusing her with someone else."

Samantha spoke. "That's what I said. The Admiral is the most disciplined person I know."

"Maybe now," Teresa replied, "but we all have a past. It was definitely her. And I know because it was the talk of the ship."

"Well, even if that was the case," Samantha said, "we don't want it to be the talk of the media, so keep it to yourself. If the Admiral did go through a bad patch, she doesn't need the entire Federation knowing about it. But I still say you're confusing her with someone else."

"And I'd bet my life on it," Chakotay declared. "Now, please excuse me, ladies. I need to speak with someone."

With that, he left the two sisters and made his way over to Admiral Pentroth, who'd he'd just spotted in the crowd. The Admiral was at the buffet table, helping himself to food, and Chakotay wanted to tell him his decision before he changed his mind.

"Ah, Commander," the Admiral said when he saw him approach. "Quite the event, isn't it?"

"It certainly is," Chakotay replied.

"I don't think any ship or crew has ever touched the public's hearts like yours has. No one expected a crowd of a million tonight. And that's without the journalists. But I don't suppose you've singled me out to discuss the celebrations. I'm guessing you've made a decision."

"That's right."

"And?"

"I accept."

The Admiral beamed a smile. "I knew you would. And I'm delighted. You'll make a fine captain and, in due course, an admiral. Knowledge and experience like yours is invaluable to us."

"To be fair," Chakotay said modestly, "I think you're overestimating both. I experienced no more than any other member of our crew and, while I've always studied hard and tried to be the best officer I can be, I'm not as knowledgeable or capable as Admiral Janeway. It was her determination that got us home. Her ability to think on her feet and take calculated risks that saved us more times than I can remember. To put it plainly, I'm not in her league."

"Few of us are," the Admiral answered. "But you still have more knowledge of our galaxy than all of us combined. You've met races we can only read about in your logs, you've seen things none of us will ever see, and as a Maquis you've learnt tactics and strategies that will only help us improve ours. Admiral Janeway may be a rare breed, but you're a special one too, and we want your knowledge and experience in our admiralty. If that daunts you, don't let it. We wouldn't ask too much of you. Janeway entered right in as a Vice Admiral, but you'd come in as a Rear...effectively a Commodore. That way, you'd get the best of both worlds. You'd have all the perks of being an admiral without all the pressure. But, let's not get ahead of ourselves. First you've got to captain and I'm so glad you've decided to."

"Thank you, Sir. It wasn't an easy decision but I believe it's the right one."

"Of course it is. Now, shall we grab ourselves a seat and talk ship? It won't take long and will save you a trip to my office."

"Sure," Chakotay replied.

The Admiral smiled, clapped Chakotay on the shoulder, and then headed for a table.

* * *

><p>On the balcony, beneath a black sky of holographic stars, Kathryn said goodbye to Daniel Stevens. Almost everyone had left now, as it was gone two in the morning, and Kathryn was also about to leave. Her mother had long gone, as had Holly, and only Phoebe was still with her.<p>

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" Phoebe said as Admiral Stevens walked away.

"Tell you what?" Kathryn asked.

"That there are hunks like him in the admiralty."

Kathryn laughed. "The thought of passing on that information just didn't occur to me."

"Then it should have. You know I'm single and looking. But I don't think I have a chance with him. He didn't take his eyes off you the whole night."

"Oh, Phoebe, we're just friends."

"And I'm a paint pot. The guy clearly has the hots for you. And you want to get in there, Kath. An admiral, and famous, he's you with a penis."

Kathryn slapped her sister's arm. "Phoebe Janeway, don't be so crude."

"But he is, Kath. And that makes him perfect for you. If he asks you out, say yes. If he doesn't, you ask him."

"That'll be kind of hard as he's going to be in space for the next six months. He's involved in a project on a starbase. Besides, I'm not interested in a relationship right now."

"Of course you are. Who wouldn't be after living like a nun for seven years? And I'd really like to see you with someone, you know? Independence has its perks, but there's no bonus like a happy marriage. I know mine went sour, but when it was sweet it was honey. And, as soon as I find Mr Right, I mean to taste it again."

"Then you focus on finding him and leave me to my own affairs, ok?"

"I would," Phoebe answered, "if there were any affairs to leave you to." She then looked over Kathryn's shoulder. "Or am I just barking up the wrong tree? Because if you're not interested in Hercules, it might be because your eyes are on Adonis."

Kathryn glanced behind her, to see what Phoebe was looking at, and saw it was Chakotay. He had just arrived on the balcony and was walking their way.

"That's it, isn't it?" Phoebe exclaimed. "You're in love with your First Officer! Man, how could I be so dense?"

"Zip it, Phoebe," Kathryn squirmed. "We're friends and we're comrades, nothing more."

"Then why are you blushing? You didn't over that admiral."

"I'm not. I just...it's hot in here and... Hi, Chakotay."

At this, Phoebe turned around and silently welcomed Chakotay with a smile.

"Hi," he said, stopping as he reached them.

"I haven't seen you in a while," Kathryn told him. "I'm glad you're still here."

"I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye. In fact, that's what I want to say now."

Phoebe spoke. "Then I'll leave you both to it. Bye, sis. I'll see you tomorrow."

Kathryn nodded. "Bye, Phoebe. Thanks for coming."

"I wouldn't have missed it for the world." She then turned to Chakotay. "Goodnight, Commander."

"Goodnight," he replied.

Phoebe then left, leaving Kathryn and Chakotay alone on the balcony.

"I'm sorry we didn't get a chance to spend much time together tonight," Kathryn said. "I tried to look for you but...well, someone always wanted my attention."

"I understand," Chakotay answered. "I've been in demand too."

And he had been. All night someone had wanted to talk to him, whether that was a Starfleet official or an attractive woman trying her luck.

"I know almost everyone has gone," Kathryn said, "but the party isn't quite over yet. Would you like to dance before we leave?"

But Chakotay's sad eyes told her the answer before his lips did. "I'm afraid I really must be going," he declared. "It's late and I have a long trip tomorrow."

Kathryn flinched. "A long trip? Where to?"

Chakotay lowered his eyes and fiddled with his fingers. "I've decided to accept Admiral Pentroth's offer and am leaving for Starbase FX-10 at noon. The ship I'll be captaining is there and I'd like to get to know her before we leave for deep space at the end of the month."

At these words, Kathryn's stomach sank and her legs weakened. He was doing it then. He was going to captain. And not just captain, but in deep space. He would be gone months, perhaps years. And she could not bear it. Could not bear the thought of life without him. But she had to bear it. Professionally, it was a good move, and personally, she had no claim on him.

"I won't get to chose my own crew," Chakotay went on, "as our mission is specialized and the complement has already been decided. Commander Josephine Wilton is going to be my First Officer, and Commander Raymond Blake my second."

Silence.

"If all goes to plan, our mission, which is to explore ancient ruins on a planet in the bardola sector, will take no more than eight months. But as the planet's atmosphere is inhospitable, it may take us longer."

Kathryn finally found her voice. "I...I see," she said. "And congratulations...on the promotion."

"Thank you. It's a good opportunity and I'd be foolish to turn it down." He then reached into a pocket of his jacket and pulled out a white velvet pouch. "But before I leave I'd like to give you this. It's a gift for your birthday next week. I beamed home to get it."

Kathryn took the pouch and slowly opened it. Inside was a silver bracelet and she carefully pulled it out.

"It's an authentic Indian piece," Chakotay said as she studied it, "handmade by a member of my tribe. As soon as I saw it I thought of you."

The bracelet, which was two inches thick, was adorned with silver feathers and stamped with the symbol of his tribe. In the centerpiece was an amberish claw, and surrounding it were beads of jade, coral, turquoise and lapis.

"Traditionally these bracelets were made with real bear claws," Chakotay told her, "but these days they're made of tiger's eye. They symbolize strength, courage, and leadership. The feathers symbolize trust and wisdom, and the beads peace, protection, luck, and friendship."

Tenderly, Kathryn ran her fingers over the claw. Once, a long time ago, she had told him he reminded her of a bear. He clearly remembered and, while this bracelet was a birthday gift, it was obviously also a parting present. A gift to remember him by.

Remember him.

Even the thought of him being just a memory hurt.

Hurt and made her eyes sting.

But somehow she managed to hold back the tears. Somehow she managed to thank him.

"It's incredible," she said. "Thank you."

Chakotay nodded and then, after a sad silence, spoke.

"Well, I...I'd better be going. Goodbye, Kathryn."

Kathryn looked up at him through blurred vision and struggled to say the word that was breaking her heart. "Goodbye."

Chakotay then walked away and Kathryn watched him go. Watched him go with an unbearable ache that, as he reached the door, made her call out...

"Chakotay..."

Slowly, he turned back to her, and his heavy eyes met hers. As they did, Kathryn wanted to tell him that she loved him, that she couldn't bear the thought of him leaving, but she didn't. She couldn't. She couldn't ask him for a love he might no longer feel. Instead, she closed the gap between them and wrapped her arms around him.

"Best of luck," she whispered.

Chakotay held her in return, held her tighter than he'd ever held her. "You too."

Then, all too soon, he pulled away and left.

**END OF CHAPTER TWENTY SIX**


	27. Chapter 27

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN**

SEVEN MONTHS LATER

Dressed in uniform, her hair in a bun, Kathryn walked briskly down a long corridor that led to Admiral Warner's office. It was on the top floor, like hers, and from the windows that lined the corridor was a splendid view of San Francisco. Presently the sun was shining, after a morning of heavy rain, and as she walked Kathryn noticed a rainbow in the sky. It was a perfect arch, bright and bold, and she stopped in delight to look at it. This was the first rainbow she'd seen since getting home and, like that first sunset and first sunrise, it filled her heart with joy.

"Admiring the view, Admiral?"

The voice belonged to Daniel Stevens and Kathryn turned to him with a smile. "Actually, I'm admiring the rainbow. It's right above that building over there, the green one. See? I don't want to point."

"I see. And isn't it a beauty? But I never took you for the superstitious kind."

Kathryn laughed. "Normally, I'm not, but better to be safe than sorry."

"I won't argue with that."

"After everything I've seen," Kathryn went on, "you'd think a rainbow would be nothing, but it thrills me just as much as any spectacular anomaly."

"I understand. I'd feel the same if I'd been in space for seven years. Just seeing the moon would be a joy."

"An absolute joy. For so many years I took her for granted, took our world for granted, but not any more. Now I appreciate everything in a whole new way and take time to look at things I wouldn't even have noticed before."

"Well," Daniel smiled, "if you've looked at the rainbow long enough, would you like to join me for a coffee?"

Kathryn turned to him. "I'd love to, but I'm on my way to see Admiral Warner. We have a meeting scheduled for 16:00 hours."

"Then how about we meet later? If you want, we could have dinner."

Dinner. At this, Kathryn tensed. While she and Daniel had been seeing a lot of each other since his return, and she enjoyed his company, she wasn't sure she was ready to turn their relationship up a notch. She wasn't even sure she wanted to. He was a handsome man, clever and charming, but he wasn't...he wasn't Chakotay. But then, Chakotay was no longer a part of her life. He was light years away in deep space. _You have to let him go_, Jackie had said. _Have to open your heart to others. _But it was easier said than done. He was still the first thought on her mind in the morning and the last at night. But she had to try and build a life for herself without him. Had to somehow fill the empty space his leaving had left in her life. Perhaps Daniel could do it. Perhaps, in time, she could come to love him. One thing was certain, she'd never know if she didn't try. Besides, Daniel wasn't exactly asking her on a date, he was just asking her to dinner.

"Ok," she finally said. "That sounds good. Where and when?"

"How about The Alexis at 20:00 hours?"

The Alexis. One of the classiest restaurants in the city. And another indication that his interest wasn't purely platonic. But, if they were going to have dinner, they may as well do it in style.

"Perfect," she declared.

Daniel smiled, visibly delighted. "Then I'll reserve us a table and meet you there."

Kathryn nodded and then, when he'd gone, took one last look at the fading rainbow before resuming her walk.

* * *

><p>In a lobby of plush red seats and crystal chandeliers, Kathryn waited for Daniel to arrive. She was wearing an elegant dress of black velvet, a short one that kissed her knees, and glittering diamond jewellery. The lobby was very busy and Kathryn hoped Daniel would arrive soon. Already people were starting to recognize her and the last thing she wanted was to be stared at all night. But then, just as a strange man was about to approach her, Daniel appeared. He was smartly dressed in a white suit and was carrying a bunch of flowers.<p>

"I'm so sorry I'm late," he said as he greeted her. "Transporters were temporarily down."

"It's quite alright. But don't you hate it when that happens?"

"Yes. Especially when I'm having dinner with a beautiful woman." He then held out the flowers. "These are for you."

Kathryn took them with a smile. "Thank you, Daniel. They're lovely."

Daniel smiled back and then offered her his arm. "Shall we go in?"

"Yes, Sir," Kathryn answered.

Arm in arm, they walked into the restaurant, but as a waiter showed them to their seat, a host of eyes watched them.

"Is it me," Kathryn said as they sat, "or is everyone looking at us?"

"It's not you," Daniel replied. "They're looking."

The waiter spoke. "If you wish for a private room, we have a number reserved for celebrities. While we entertain a lot of stars, and most of them are never bothered, the very famous sometimes are."

"We'll take one," Daniel said. "Thank you."

"Then follow me, Sir, Ma'am."

Kathryn and Daniel followed him, but when they got to the suite of private rooms, the waiter regretfully had to tell them that the last vacant one had been taken.

"I really do apologise," he said, face red. "There were three empty when I last checked. Would you like to return to your table?"

Daniel turned to Kathryn. "We can if you like," he said, "or we can go somewhere else. My place, even. It's not as chic but at least it's private."

Kathryn hesitated. While she'd known Daniel for over two decades, she'd never been completely alone with him. Even now, after all these years, it was still hard to be alone with a man, completely and utterly alone. She'd felt that way with Chakotay, also with Mark and Justin, and it had taken a long time for her to trust them.

Trust them and feel safe.

But the first step to that place was being alone with them.

Being alone with them to know she was safe being alone with them.

If she wanted to trust Daniel, and she did, then she had to take that first vital step.

"Ok," she said at last, "your place it is."

Daniel smiled. "Then let's get ourselves transported."

* * *

><p>Daniel's "place" was a large house in Vermont, set in an acre of woodland, and to Kathryn's delight it was snowing when they arrived. As the terrace was protected by a forcefield, they dined there beneath the falling snow, and Kathryn enjoyed herself immensely. Daniel was funny, as well as clever, and constantly made her laugh. After they'd eaten, they moved into the lounge, and finished the evening with a glass of red wine.<p>

"I've had a wonderful time tonight," Daniel said as he reclined on the sofa. "In fact, so wonderful that I'd like to do it again. What do you say? Tomorrow, same time, your place?"

"We have a date," Kathryn smiled. "But don't expect homecooking. I might not be the Federation's worst cook anymore, but I'm far from the best. It'll be replicated or...replicated."

Daniel laughed. "Replicated is just fine. It's the company that matters."

"Maybe, but a fine cook like yourself must have expectations. I mean, ten minutes in the kitchen and you whip us up the most delicious pasta I've ever tasted. I'm totally impressed."

"Good, because that's the idea. And the feeling's mutual. I'm impressed by you too."

"Really?"

"Truly. You're the most incredible woman I've ever known. You're fascinating, inspiring, and incredibly sexy."

Sexy. The word made Kathryn feel uncomfortable, but she hid the feeling well. "Ditto, Sir."

"In fact," Daniel said, emboldened by her words and the wine, "I'd like to make wild and passionate love to you right here, right now."

At this, Kathryn paled and put down her drink. "I...I'm very flattered," she said, "but it's early days and...and I like to take things slow."

"You didn't once."

"No, but that was a long time ago. I'm a different woman now."

"I see," he said. "You're feeling a bit rusty after being celibate for so long. But don't be. You'll soon be back in the swing."

"It's more than that," Kathryn told him. "And if we...if we're to date then...then it's only fair that you know. I was raped, a long time ago, and...and I've only just started to come to terms with it."

There was a long silence, then Daniel spoke. "I'm sorry," he said.

"I'm seeing a therapist, but intimacy...it's off the cards for now."

Daniel picked up his wine, took a drink, and then cleared his throat. "I'm really sorry, Kathryn. And if I knew who the bastard was, I'd kill him. But as for us dating...I really don't think it's a good idea. You have serious issues and I...I'm not qualified to deal with them. I value your friendship, and I hope we can go on being friends, but more would be a mistake. And, as a friend, I suggest you don't get involved with anyone until you're fully recovered. It isn't fair to expect a man to deal with something like this and it's unrealistic to think that he can. Sex is a huge part of any relationship, as is trust, and if you have issues with both, as I suspect, then it's just asking for heartache. You have to fight your demons, and fight them with the right weapons, because isn't a man's place to rescue you. I'm not trying to be hurtful, so please don't think I am, I'm just telling you how it is. Not all men would be as understanding as me. They could feel you've led them on."

At these words, tears stung Kathryn's eyes and pain knifed her heart, but with great determination she didn't cry. Instead, she picked up her bag and got to her feet. "What you mean is, you feel led on. And I'm sorry for that. But at least now we both know where we stand. So, I'll say goodnight and see you around."

"There's no need to leave," Daniel said, standing too. "I meant what I said, Kathryn. I value our friendship."

"So we're still on for dinner tomorrow?"

Silence.

"I thought as much. So goodnight, Daniel. I'll see you when I see you."

With that, she requested a beam out and in seconds was gone.

* * *

><p>Back at her house, in the privacy of her bedroom, Kathryn opened a bottle of whisky and downed a couple of shots. Now she was alone, she didn't try to stop the tears, and wept painfully as she drank. Her hands were trembling, her vision blurred, and then, before she knew it, she was lying on the floor. Lying in a dizzy haze of pain. So much pain. Too much pain.<p>

_It isn't fair to expect a man to deal with something like this. You have to fight your demons, and fight them with the right weapons, because isn't a man's place to rescue you._

Those words played over and over in her mind. And with every repeat they dug a little deeper into her heart. Made it bleed because they were true. It was unfair to expect a man to help her. Jackie had said one would, that a loving partner would consider it a privilege, but Jackie wasn't always right. She'd been wrong about being open helping. It hadn't helped tonight. In fact, it had only made things worse. Now Daniel knew her secret and he could tell others. He probably wouldn't, as there would be nothing to gain by it, but just him knowing was upsetting. Why had she told him? It wasn't as though they loved each other. They'd hardly even started dating. It had just...it had just felt right. But now she was sorry. Sorry and angry. Angry at herself. Angry at him. Angry at Neal.

Angry at Chakotay.

Why wasn't he here? Why had he left? Didn't he know that she needed him? Needed him so much that the pain was tearing her apart?

But he wasn't here. He was gone.

Gone like Justin.

Justin.

_Love isn't a coward_, he had said. _Love stays and fights._

But he hadn't stayed. Death had taken him away.

And neither had Chakotay stayed.

_Whenever you need me, I'll be there._

Another lie. Another hollow promise.

Hollow and empty.

Hollow and empty like her heart.

Numb.

Dead.

Dead. How Kathryn wished she was dead. Dead so the pain would stop. Dead so she wouldn't feel it.

Dead.

_There is left us ourselves to end ourselves._

Those ancient words screamed in her mind, shouted as loudly as Daniel's, echoed in every corner.

Kill herself.

She could do it. All it would take is a few pills.

A few pills and...nothing.

No more pain.

No more suffering.

Relief.

How she longed for it, ached for it, yearned for it.

Tired.

Tired of the fight. No more strength.

No love.

Could not live without it.

Tired of being alone.

Tired.

But had to be strong. Had to fight. Had to live. Even though she didn't want to, she had to find the strength. Her mother and her sister needed her, Aunt Martha too, and she couldn't destroy their lives by taking her own. They didn't deserve that. Didn't deserve the pain.

Trapped.

Trapped in a loveless life she didn't want by love.

Pain. Too much pain. Always too much pain.

But somehow she had to live with it. Somehow she had to keep living.

* * *

><p>Morning.<p>

Light, blinding light, announced it.

Slowly, groggily, Kathryn sat up and tried to focus her blurry eyes. Where was she? What had happened?

And then she remembered.

Remembered and sank to the floor again.

Sank and wept.

Wept until she could weep no more.

_Got to pull yourself together._

_Got to be strong._

Clinging to those words, she got to her feet and walked over to the replicator. Her head was killing, her neck too, and she replicated a hangover hypershot with a much needed coffee. Then, after she'd injected herself and the medication had started to take effect, she picked up her coffee and made her way over to her bed. It was a large bed, draped with a colorful quilt that her Aunt Martha had made, and it had a fancy headboard of white metal.

Her bed.

Her haven.

And yet her hell.

For it was there, all those years ago, that her torment had started.

But it wasn't this bed. It was _a_ bed. A bed that had only been hers for a short time. This bed was safe. A harbor from the storm. A sanctuary from an unkind world. Tenderly, Kathryn ran her hand over a quilted heart that had been handsown with love, and then she sat at the edge of the bed. As she did, she saw the bear claw bracelet Chakotay had given her lying on her bedside cabinet, lying where she'd left it the night before last, and she picked it up.

_As soon as I saw it I thought of you_, he had said.

Thought of her because of the bear, thought of her because it symbolized strength and courage.

Strength and courage.

But she didn't have any. Not anymore. It was all gone.

Just a shadow.

Just a shadow of the woman she had been.

Lost without him.

Then, unexpectedly, the computer spoke. "Incoming transmission, Holly Pemberton."

Kathryn took a deep breath, put down the bracelet, and then responded. "Accept, audio only."

Seconds later, Holly's voice filled the room. "Hi, Kath. Is everything ok? You're running late."

Late. Late for what? Then Kathryn remembered. She was supposed to be meeting Holly for a game of tennis at noon. It was clearly gone noon.

"I'm sorry, Holl," Kathryn said. "I...I forgot. I'll...I'll make it up to you."

"Forgot? That's not like you. What's going on? And don't tell me nothing. I know from your voice there's something."

"I just...I had a difficult night. I met Daniel for dinner and...well, things didn't quite go to plan."

"I see. What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it...at least, not over the comm."

"Then I'm coming over."

"That isn't necessary. I'm ok."

"I'm coming and that's that. Stand by."

Seconds later, Holly materialized before her. She was wearing a pink t-shirt over white shorts and was holding a sports bag.

"Oh, Kath," she said when she saw the state of her friend, "you look like hell."

Kathryn didn't need a mirror to confirm that. She knew her hair had to be wild, her make-up everywhere, and her dress a mess.

"What happened?" Holly asked, sitting beside her. "Did Daniel come on to you or something?"

"Yes, but not how you mean. We were having dinner...at his place because there were eyes all over us at the restaurant...and afterwards he said...you know...that he wanted to make love with me. I told him no, that I wanted to take things slowly, and then...and then for some stupid reason I told him about...about the rape." Tears filled her eyes. "But I wish I hadn't, Holl. He didn't understand at all. And I shouldn't have expected him to. I don't know what I was thinking."

Gently, Holly took Kathryn's hand in hers and squeezed it. "That he was a caring guy who would be supportive. And I'd have thought so too. I guess it just goes to show that you never can tell. But I'm sorry. I'm sorry you opened up to him and he let you down."

"He only spoke the truth."

"What did he say?"

"That I shouldn't get involved with anyone until I'm over what happened, that it isn't fair to expect a guy to deal with my problem. And he's right. It's my battle, I have to fight it."

"He isn't right, Kathryn. His opinion is his opinion, but he doesn't speak for all men. Justin stood by you and so would any man worth having."

"I know. I know he doesn't speak for all men. But he speaks for most. You can't deny that. You said yourself it takes a special kind of guy."

"Yes. But they're out there, Kath. They just take some finding."

"Well, I'm done looking." A tear ran down her cheek. "I can't do this anymore, Holl. I can't keep fighting this battle. I need...I need a truce. Need to find some peace. And the only way to find it is to admit defeat. From now on I go it alone. No more dates, no more relationships. No more romantic dreams. For me, they'll only ever be hollow fantasies. I've always known I'm meant to be alone. And that's ok. I have a great career, a wonderful home. When I think of the terrible things other people have gone through, not just in our lifetime but in history, I know I'm one of the lucky ones. No one can have it all."

"No. But don't give up, Kath. Love is worth holding out for."

"I have to, Holl. There's only so much one heart can take. If I keep trying, keep hoping, then...then it will kill me. Because the pain...the yearning...they're unbearable. But if I accept that I'm always going to be alone then...then it doesn't hurt so much. It's the hoping that hurts, the waiting for what will never come."

"You don't know that, Kath. Chakotay will be back soon and maybe you'll be able to work things out. You know what they say about absence making the heart grow fonder."

"We'll never work things out, Holl. And I can't keep hoping that we will. Besides, what am I supposed to say to him? I love you, but no sex again, I'm afraid, because I'm frigid? I've put him through enough."

"If he loves you, really loves you, then he won't see it that way. And neither should you. What kind of a word is frigid, anyway? Cold? You're hardly that. You're the kindest and most compassionate person I know. Having sex doesn't make someone warm. It can be a very selfish and gratuitous act. You were hurt badly by someone you loved and trusted and the wound is still bleeding. It will take love and trust to heal it."

"I'm never going to heal, Holl. The best I can do is learn to live with the pain."

"Of course you can heal. You just have to persist with the treatment. Because it's working. I've seen the change in you."

"Buy why, Holly? Why should I bother? I can't heal alone. Not completely. I need a partner and I don't have one."

Holly squeezed her hand. "I know that, Kath. I know you need a partner. And you can have one. Just don't give up."

"I have to, Holl. Because I can't sit on this roundabout anymore. All the time I go around and around, seeing the same scenes, hearing the same sounds, and nothing changes except I get older. I really can't do it anymore and it will kill me to try."

"But you've come so far, Kath. You can't let a loser like Daniel set you back."

"I'm not. This isn't about him, not really. And it isn't about Neal anymore. It's about me. I'm the one who's messed up my life. I messed up with Mark and I messed up with Chakotay. It's my fault I'm alone."

"That's not true, Kath."

"It is, Holly, and you know it. And I can't fight anymore. I'm done. I'm not seeing Jackie again and I'm not dating again."

"You don't mean that, Kath. This is just hurt talking. The hurt caused by Daniel. And for that I could kill him."

"He just said it how many will see it. There isn't much understanding in the world and even less kindness. That's just how it is."

"But not the way it has to be. Please, Kath. Keep seeing Jackie. She's helping. You said so yourself."

"Yes, but...but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. I did at first, she really convinced me that some day things will be better, but they're not better. They're worse. I miss Chakotay, like crazy, and I'm just fooling myself if I think I'm over him. I'm not. I think about him every day. I miss him every day. He's the only man I want. Daniel he...he was a mistake. I just...I know I've lost Chakotay and I get so lonely."

"You don't know that, Kath. Not for sure."

"I do, Holl. If he still loved me then...then he wouldn't have left."

"Maybe he thought it was for the best...for both of you."

"No. I messed up with him one time too many. But I still love him, Holl. Love him every bit as much as I loved Justin. When I'm with him I feel...I feel like a woman's supposed to feel. Like everyone in love feels. But that was never enough to stop the flashbacks. Not with Justin and not with him. The truth is, he's better off without me."

"I disagree, Kath. Wholeheartedly. Just keep talking to Jackie. Tell her about the flashbacks."

"I already did."

"And?"

"She says they're the subconscious invading the conscious, that what happened with Justin and with Chakotay re-enacted the rape in my subconscious ...you know, with it happening on my bed and then them carrying me there...and that resulted in a flashback. She said it's not uncommon, and that some women can never do the missionary position again. But she said a loving partner will understand this and that...and that there are other positions." A tear ran down her cheek. "But how can I tell a guy all this, Holl? How can I expect understanding?"

Holly squeezed her hand. "Because with the right man it'll be there, Kath. I promise."

"Maybe, but I'm tired, Holl. I'm tired of trying only to fail. I can't do it anymore."

"You can, Kath. Just talk to Chakotay. When he gets back, tell him how you feel."

"No. It's too late and...and I'm done with men. I mean it. From now on I fly solo."

"And what? Start drinking again and sleeping around?"

"No. I'm done with that too. So don't worry, Holl. I'll be ok."

"Of course I worry, Kath. I know you're unhappy. And I wish there was something I could do to help."

"You do, Holl...help. You've always helped. But it's time for me to help myself now. Daniel's right. I can't expect a man to rescue me. I have to save my own life."

"Daniel, for all his genius, is an idiot. And there's a lot of them out there, Kath. But there are gem's too and the darkness of the world only makes them shine all the brighter. Anyone who's been through what you have needs a patient and kind partner and that's just a fact. If he thinks that's rescuing then I feel sorry for him."

"I know...I just...he's right in a way. And that's...that's hard. Because this isn't something I can fix alone, Holl. I can talk to a shrink, I can do all that she says, but when it comes to intimacy I need a partner. I know there's holograms, but that's just substituting one problem with another. So, in that way, I do need rescuing. I need a man's help and that's...that's the same thing."

"It isn't, Kath. We all need help and support at some time in our lives. That's just the human condition. And a man who loves you, truly and deeply, will want to help. Don't feel guilty about that and don't feel ashamed."

"But I do, Holl...feel ashamed. Dirty, even. And I can't...I can't go on feeling it. I can't play this game anymore. I feel like I've been playing it my whole life. Playing and losing. I'll be happier alone. Please try to understand that."

"I understand, Kath. And I'm sure a lot of women in your shoes feel the same. But I know it's not what you want, not deep inside."

"It is...what I want. I've reached the point now where it is."

"Then I'll respect and support that. But keep talking to Jackie. Please."

Kathryn hesitated, but then nodded. "Ok."

Holly smiled. "Good. I'm glad we're agreed. Now, how about we get ourselves out of these clothes and into some winter woollies? I promised to take the kids skiing this afternoon and we'd love your company."

"I don't know, Holl. I wouldn't be much fun."

"Nonsense. A distraction is exactly what you need. In fact, as Ben's away for the weekend, we could make a vacation of it. What do you say? You, me, and the kids in a luxury hotel?"

At Holly's enthusiasm, Kathryn could only smile. "Ok. Let's do it."

Holly beamed back a smile, hugged her, and then stood up. "In that case, I'll make the reservation and get packing. Meet you back here at 15:00 hours?"

Kathryn nodded. "I'll be waiting."

Holly then requested a beam out and in seconds dematerialized.

END OF CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN


	28. Chapter 28

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT**

MARCH, 2379

Sitting before the window in his lounge, the sea outside gray and choppy, Chakotay looked at the sweater Kathryn had made him. Since their return, he had looked at it many times, as looking at it made him feel closer to her, and he wanted to be close to her now. There were so many things he wanted to ask her, so many questions he wanted answers to, but he could not ask her as she was light years away on a planet in the Treza Sector. As well as working at a Starfleet outpost, she was teaching a course at the colony's prestigious university, and would not be back until summer. This news had somewhat surprised him, as working away from Earth had never been in her plans, but when the call to space was as strong in a person's soul as it was in hers, it was perhaps only to be expected. And, looking back, she had told him during their last time together that she was missing space and hoped to venture out there again. By that he'd imagined conferences on starbases or diplomatic missions, not a six month sojourn on a Federation colony, but his own life hadn't exactly turned out like he'd thought either. Never had he planned on returning to space, certainly not for months on end, but in two weeks he would be captaining again. After the success of their last mission, he and his crew had been assigned another planetary archaeological site to study, and the enterprise would last anywhere from four to six months. For the most part, he enjoyed being a captain. While it wasn't always easy, it was easier than life as a freedom fighter, and far less hazardous than life in an unknown, uncharted, part of the galaxy. Over the last few months he'd met a lot of interesting people, some he had come to consider friends, and he'd seen a lot of extraordinary things. But, despite all this, his heart was still lonely.

Still aching for Kathryn.

Putting a distance between them had helped, just as he'd hoped it would, but it would be a long time before he was over her. He still thought about her every day and every day he missed her.

Missed her now.

Needed her now.

Needed to talk.

Needed those answers.

_I'm not talking about the serious. It never had to be serious for Kathryn. She never liked the serious. All she wanted was...well, let's just say she would sleep with strangers but she wouldn't sleep with me._

Mark's words, these and the rest, greatly disturbed him. Disturbed and perplexed him.

_She probably doesn't remember much about the time at all as she was drunk more than she was sober then. In fact, she almost got demoted for drunken and reckless behavior._

Mark was not the only one to talk of a troubled past for Kathryn. Samantha's sister, Teresa, had talked of one too. But how could they be talking of the Kathryn he had come to know? The Kathryn he knew was disciplined, controlled, and highly moral. She would never behave irresponsibly, would never get drunk while on duty, and would never, by choice, sleep with strangers.

And yet...

And yet there was a thumping in his mind. A banging on the door of his memory. There had been for a long time. First it had been faint, just a distant rapping, but over the years it had got louder. Now it was a pounding.

But still he couldn't open the door.

No matter how hard he tried, the handle wouldn't turn. It was locked. Stuck. Broken.

Broken like his memory.

_Maybe you just don't know her as well as you think you do. And I mean that with all due respect. I've known her a lifetime in a personal capacity, you only a few years in a professional_.

There was no denying the truth of Mark's words. Even though he felt as though he'd known Kathryn forever, in fact he'd only known her a short time. A few years out of a lifetime. What did he really know about the rest? Not a lot. Not as much as he should. He knew where she came from, he knew of her childhood, he knew of the accident that had claimed the lives of her father and fiancé, and he knew of her career, even to the point of knowing what ship she had served on and when, but he knew little about the woman she had been before he'd met her. Kathryn had rarely talked about her personal life, never mentioned lovers other than Justin or Mark, and he'd just assumed that she had always been the workaholic woman she was now. But she clearly hadn't always been that way. Mark had no reason to lie, not about her past or their engagement, and Teresa had been so sure that the reckless woman she'd spoken of had been Kathryn.

Reckless.

There certainly had been times on Voyager when Kathryn could be called that. The alliance with the Borg, for one. The pursuit of the Equinox, for another. But if she'd gone too far sometimes, either in settling a score or in her quest to get the crew home, her intentions had always been for the greater good. Never had she cast aside duty for personal pleasure. Quite the contrary, she'd sacrificed person happiness for duty. It was hard to believe that a woman so conscious of her responsibilities could ever be drunk and disorderly while on duty. But then, he knew all too well how grief could make a person crazy. Teresa had said the time had been a difficult one for her, following the deaths of her father and fiancé, and from the little Kathryn had told him of the accident he knew she'd had a hard time coming to terms with it. Grief, the great destroyer of the soul, may well have pushed her over the edge and broken her spirit. And yet...

_I'm not talking about the serious. It never had to be serious for Kathryn. She never liked the serious. All she wanted was...well, let's just say she would sleep with strangers but she wouldn't sleep with me._

A brief rebellion of grief would not explain these words. And it would not explain why Kathryn had never told him the truth about her engagement. There was something more. Something he was missing. For every part of him, every feeling and every instinct, told him that he knew Kathryn and she wasn't the woman Mark had described. Perhaps word of her engagement truly was a misunderstanding, a misunderstanding that she'd never cleared up as she hadn't seen the point, and if she had held back from Mark then perhaps it was because Mark was moving at a different pace to her. As to the sleeping with strangers, well, that could easily be the fantasy of a jealous mind. Even after all these years there had been a bitterness in Mark's words and it was not hard to imagine him as the jealous type.

At this reasoning, a reasoning that made perfect sense, Chakotay began to relax. Putting aside the sweater, he got to his feet, went over to a replicator, and replicated himself a cup of coffee. Then he stood before the window and looked out at the sea. It was raining over the ocean now, a gray drizzle that drifted on the wind, and Chakotay watched it for a while. Watched it and tried to silence the banging in his head, the whispering voice that urged him to open the door. An instinct that told him the picture was still incomplete.

_Forgive me, Captain. But have we met before? You seem...familiar._

Those words suddenly echoed through his mind and he could only ponder them.

Familiar.

From the very first Kathryn had been familiar to him. Could it be they had met before? Could it be they had met during those two years that were still a blur in his mind? The dreams, the visions, perhaps they were something more. Perhaps they were memories. The missing piece of the puzzle.

And then...

And then in his mind Kathryn was standing behind him. Standing before the fireplace in a gorgeous gown of gold. Slowly he turned towards her and he heard her speak.

_I really do love this place. You have such an eye for decor. I've never known anyone with such exquisite taste... This place is regal. And your lodge...magnificent._

Your lodge...magnificent.

The words had struck him then and they struck him now. They were spoken as though she had been there. Had she? In their distant pasts had their paths crossed? Had they spent time together at his lodge like they had in his dream? Had she danced for him on his beach? Had they ridden horses through fields and made pots on his potter's wheel?

_Three years ago I didn't even know your name. Today I can't imagine a day without you._

Kathryn's words would say otherwise. Her words would declare they had not met until the Delta Quadrant. But how much faith could he put in those words? Could it be she didn't want him to know of their past connection? The idea seemed ludicrous and yet...and yet perfectly sensible. In his dream they had kissed, kissed over his potter's wheel, and if in the past they'd been lovers, or almost lovers, then that could be reason enough for Kathryn's denial. A past relationship, if he'd remembered it, could have made things awkward in the early days. Perhaps, even now, if things between them had ended badly. But that...that didn't make sense. Or did it? If things had ended badly, was that why Kathryn had held back from him? Was she afraid of history repeating itself? Or had things ended tragically and not badly? Had things ended with his injury? Had it all been too much for her to cope with after the death of her fiancé?

The strawberries.

Suddenly, he remembered the strawberries. The fresh strawberries left for him in a basket in his hospital room. When he'd asked who they were from, he'd been told a young woman. A young woman whose name was unknown and whose description he had not recognized. A young woman with black hair in a bun.

Black hair.

Twice, in visions, he'd seen a younger Kathryn with black hair. The first was a random flashback when he was putting her to bed after her liaison with Ezran, and the second was at the fancy dress ball when she was dancing in Indian costume. In that vision he'd seen her dance across the sand like in his dream, but unlike in his dream her hair was black. Long and black. Black and with a fringe. Was this how she had looked then? If his dream was more than just a dream, if it was a memory, then had her hair been black then?

He could only conclude it had been. And, with that conclusion, came tears to his eyes. It hurt, for both their hearts, to think what might have been, but it hurt especially for Kathryn's to think what was. Had they been lovers? Had they been to each other in the past what he'd always hoped they could be to each other in the future? Was that the real reason she had accepted the mission to capture him? Was it because she cared about his fate? She'd always said it was a mission of mercy. But how much had she cared? What exactly had they meant to each other? Had they lived at his lodge? Had they made love there? Or was their relationship just blossoming when his injury cut it off? For Kathryn's sake, and for his, he hoped that was the case.

Hoped, and yet he didn't even know for certain that they'd ever met. All this was just speculation. Guess upon guess. And yet...

And yet every instinct told him it was true.

True that they had met. True that they had spent time at his lodge. True that Kathryn's hair had been black then. True that she was the woman who had left him the strawberries.

The strawberries.

Another memory. A Voyager memory. A memory of a strawberry soufflé. Kathryn had replicated one for their very first dinner together while he had replicated a coffee cake. Strawberries and coffee, their mutual favorites. At the time, he'd accepted Kathryn's explanation of an out of time experience being responsible, but now...now he wasn't so sure. If Kathryn was the woman who had left him the strawberries, then she'd have known he loved them. And, if they had known each other in his past, then somewhere in the abyss of his memory he'd remembered that she loved coffee cake.

The dinner. The conversation.

_The only Kathryn I can ever remember meeting stood me up._

_Really? Stood you up as in a date?_

_Yes. We met at a public lecture and a psychic introduced us. She said we were a match made in the stars._

_How romantic. Too bad this Kathryn didn't show up._

Didn't show up. Stood him up.

_A standing up for a standing up?_

In Kathryn's voice, those words spoke in his mind, spoke through fog, distant like a dream.

And then...

And then in his memory he could see the face of that young cadet from so long ago, the cadet who had stood him up, the cadet whose friend had said she would be an admiral before she was forty...

_An admiral before you're forty..._

Kathryn.

That cadet had been Kathryn. That Kathryn his Kathryn.

Of this he was now absolutely certain. As certain as he was of the sun having risen at dawn.

That Kathryn, his Kathryn.

_A voyage to the stars._

Voyager.

As he turned back to the window, the window that was crying, a tear ran down his cheek. Why had he never realized this before? Why had he never made the association? How could he have been so dense? True, their meeting had been a long time ago, and in his memory that cadet's face had blurred over time, but the truth had literally been staring him in the face. Staring him in the face every day for seven years. He and Kathryn did have a past connection. They'd met at that lecture all those years ago. Met and arranged a date. A date she had not showed up for.

_Let's just say I was shy and insecure in those days._

These words, spoken some time and in some place by Kathryn, told him why. She had not shown up because she had bottled out.

Bottled out, but Fate had brought them together again. At some time, during those lost years, they had met and picked up where they had left off. But met where? When? The answer evaded him. Evaded him like the details of a dream on waking.

A dream.

His lodge.

For some reason, by some instinct, he knew the answers lay there. The final piece of the puzzle. The key to unlock the door to his memory.

His lodge.

He would have to go there. Go there and face the ghosts of the past. Go there and walk through his memories.

Resolved, he put down his drink, picked up the sweater Kathryn had made for him, and then put it on. Oregon in March could be cold, as cold as the wind battering the waves outside, so he'd have to wrap up. When the sweater was over his shirt, and a jacket over the sweater, he composed himself for the venture and then beamed out.

* * *

><p>When Chakotay materialized in Oregon, he found himself on a cliff top. A cliff top he had stood on many times. A cliff top close to his lodge. Above him the sky was gray, below him the sea was rough, and around him a strong wind blew. Blew in all directions, flattening the grass beneath his feet and swirling the sand on the beach. For a long moment Chakotay gazed out at the sea, at the misty horizon, and then he turned towards his lodge. Turned to where it had stood. Turned and saw...<p>

Nothing.

There was nothing left of his lodge. Not one beam, not one stone.

Nothing.

_I had the site cleared,_ his cousin had told him, _it's safe for passers by now._

Cleared.

Erased.

Chakotay had not expected that. He'd expected something to be left. The foundations, maybe, a few stones, maybe. But there was nothing. Nothing to ever indicate that a home had once stood there. A home he had lived in for over a decade. A home he had put his heart and soul into. A home he had torched when his heart and soul had been on fire with grief. And he could see those flames now. Could see them devour his lodge in bitter anger. See them rage and scream and destroy...

A pain beyond pain.

A grief beyond grief.

But he did not feel that pain now, not as rawly as then, and he did not feel the grief. Time had eased both. Always he would miss his family, and always his heart would be angry at how they had died, but the pain and the grief no longer consumed him. Even though his heart still yearned for peace, a peace that seemed elusive, he'd made his peace with the past. Now, as he looked at where his lodge had once stood, all he felt was sadness. Sadness that it was gone. Sadness that he'd destroyed it.

Sad that it was just a memory.

But in his memories it stood tall. Stood as magnificently as it had a decade ago. He could see the verandah, see the stone path leading to it, see the pine walls and windows, the slanting roof and the decorative chimney. Could see it as though it stood now. And, as though it stood now, he walked towards it. Walked towards the verandah. Walked to where it had stood. Stood there and remembered.

Remembered Kathryn.

She was sitting on the verandah, her hair long and black, and she was talking. Her voice was far away at first, distant and muffled, but then it got louder. Louder and clearer.

_I've always loved mountain homes, and have stayed in quite a few log cabins, but have never seen one as majestical as this. It's truly amazing. And the location...magnificent. A place where the mountains really do meet the sea_...

A memory.

This was definitely a memory. A confirmation. A confirmation that she'd been here. A confirmation that they'd known each other. And then...

And then another memory followed.

_You're right. I do have blanks. But I've figured things out. We came back here for...you know...and I passed out. You could have taken what you wanted anyway, and to be honest I couldn't care if you had, but you didn't and I guess that merits a thank you from me. A thank you and an apology for not living up to expectation._

Kathryn's voice, Kathryn's face, and yet...

And yet not Kathryn. The Kathryn he knew would never talk like this. And yet...

_She would sleep with strangers but she wouldn't sleep with me._

Sleep with strangers.

Even if that was true, even if Kathryn had once been promiscuous, he had never been. Never would he have picked her up for sex. He wasn't that kind of guy.

_Wasn't that kind of guy._

In his memory, a bell rang.

_And what is 'that kind of guy' exactly? Just what does that mean?_

The words were Kathryn's and she was standing somewhere dark. Dark yet lighted. A place with trees. She was wearing some kind of costume, something white and gold, and her face was stained with tears.

_...that's what you men are, isn't it? Beasts of lust that prey on women! So come on, Chakolee, take a piece of me! You know you want to!_

Then he heard himself speak. _Not all men are like that. If you think so, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that has been your experience._

_Sorry? Sorry? I'm sorry that the only decent guy...the only decent guys...I ever knew are dead. Dead while bastards like you live! Do you know how that makes me feel, do you? Do you?_

Then she was on the ground, sobbing against a tree trunk.

_I hate this life. I hate it. I wish I was dead. Dead. Dead. Dead._

At her pain, Chakotay felt his heart hurt, felt it like he had that night, felt it anew. And then, in his memory, he was talking again. Talking to Kathryn.

_I'm a good listener. If you want, we can go back to my place, sober you up, and chat over coffee._

_Chat? Do you suppose we'd just chat?_

_Yes. As I told you earlier, I'm not that kind of guy._

_And what is 'that kind of guy' exactly? Just what does that mean?_

And there the scene stopped.

But the rest he could guess. The vision he'd had while putting Kathryn to bed drunk on Voyager helped him to. After this exchange, Kathryn had taken up his offer, beamed with him to his lodge, and fallen asleep while they talked. Not wanting to leave her in his lounge, he had carried her to his guestroom and put her to bed.

It all made sense. Finally the pieces were coming together. After their disastrous first date, they had met again years later, met at what seemed to be a party, something told him a fancy dress ball, and they'd spent time at his lodge.

But how much time? Just what had they been to each other?

When the lodge could give no more answers, Chakotay walked away from it towards the steps that led to the beach. They were still there, still in use, and were calling him to the shore. The shore that was windy and wild. But the tide, while coming in, was far enough way to make the beach walkable. Slowly, Chakotay made his way down the worn, stony steps, and then he walked across the sand. The surrounding cliffs did much to protect him from the wind and he walked in their shelter towards the cave. As he did, he tried to remember the walk in his dream, the walk he had made with Kathryn, and he found that he could. In his memory he could see Kathryn beside him, her face younger, her hair black, and she was wearing the clothes she had worn in his dream. The flowing blue skirt that had blown in the breeze as she danced. And, as he walked, he could hear their conversation. Kathryn was asking about the steps, how long they had been there and who had made them, and he was telling her their history. Then they were talking about the beach, how delightful and charming it was, and his own words answered the question of where and when he'd told Kathryn that he loved to see the sea in all its moods. Then they were looking at an albatross, a white one perched on a rock, and then they were walking to the cave. Walking through the rocks he was walking through now. And then...

And then he was in the present.

Kathryn's ghost was gone and he was alone. Alone inside the cave. The cave that had been his for so long. The cave that had once lit up as he entered and welcomed him. Now the cave was dark and it took his eyes a moment to adjust to the blackness. But, when they did, he saw that his cupboard was still there. Still there and still locked. With tears in his eyes he went over to it and touched it. He hadn't expected it to be there. Even though there was no reason why it shouldn't be, especially as it was weatherproof, somehow he'd expected it to be gone. Torn down by another occupant, perhaps, hacked to pieces by birds. But it was still in once piece and exactly as he'd left it. So was the cave. His seats of rock were still there and, embedded in the rock, were his lights. They were all unbroken and clearly just needed new battery cells. If someone had come here, they'd left everything alone, but Chakotay doubted that anyone had. In all the years it had been his, no one had ever come, so thinking about it logically, it was unlikely anyone had found it in the years since he'd left. Few people used the beach and even fewer regularly.

After looking at the cupboard for a while, Chakotay ventured to open it. The handle was mechanical, with a lock built into it, and the doors designed to open when the handle was turned clockwise and counterclockwise in the right sequence. The sequence Chakotay remembered, it was ingrained into his brain, and the doors, though a bit stiff, opened easily. As they did, Chakotay looked inside the cupboard, and found himself looking at the past. For there, inside the cupboard, were his belongings of yesteryear. There were gadgets and tools, blankets and books, paper and pens, a tricorder, a camera, a box of miscellany, a medkit and a mini replicator. They were all in pristine condition, as though time had not touched them, and while they were just everyday objects, to Chakotay they were special. Almost everything he'd ever owned had gone up in flames with his lodge, and what hadn't had been destroyed with his ship at the Caretaker's array. Nothing, not one single thing, did he have from his life before Voyager. But now he had these. All these. And his camera. The camera he'd had since his Academy days. The camera that had taken thousands of photos over the years. Photos of places, photos of people, photos of his lodge, and photos of his family. Slowly, carefully, Chakotay reached for the camera and picked it up. It was blue in color, his favorite midnight shade, and was lightweight and slim. For a long moment he just gazed at it, hardly believing it was in his hand, then he pressed the on switch. He had no idea if it would still work, or if it did work whether the power cell still held charge, but to his joy it came on. Came on as though it had only been used yesterday. Its viewscreen illuminated, showing an eagle in flight, and then the menu displayed. An amber light flashed, warning that power levels were low, but as they were not critical, Chakotay sat on one of his rock seats and checked the camera's archives. Every photo he had ever taken he had kept in the camera's memory, just as a backup, and if the camera was working properly, then they would be still there. Every photo he'd thought lost forever.

And they were.

They were still in the memory. Every photo. Every album. With tears in his eyes, Chakotay looked through the last album and saw pictures of his lodge just days before he'd torched it. The sun was shining, the skies blue, and a stag with magnificent antlers was on the lawn. Then the pictures changed to stones and statues, the stones and statues of an alien ruin he'd come across on a planet in deep space, and then...

And then to pictures of his family.

They were sitting around a fire, in traditional Indian costume, and were smiling and laughing. In one, his mother was roasting nuts, in another, his brothers and sisters were gathered for a group shot, and in another, his youngest sister, Treyala, was pulling faces. The twelve year-old girl looked a lot like him and Chakotay smiled through tears at her smile. She had always been so full of life, so bubbly and funny, and that was how he was determined to remember her. For so long all he had felt at the memory of his family was pain. But that was not what they would want. They would want him to remember them with love and laugher. And this, his camera, this he believed was their gift to him. A reminder that they would always be with him. _The worlds of the living and the dead, _his mother had always said, _are not totally separate. The dead still have a care for us. _This camera was their gift, and their blessing. Theirs and his father's. For amongst the pictures was one of his father. He was sitting on a rock, a hat on his head, and was smiling. Smiling a smile that Chakotay took as his blessing.

For a long time Chakotay looked through the pictures, reliving the moment they were taken as he did, but then, conscious of the incoming tide, he switched it off and slipped it into a jacket pocket. Then, after deciding to leave the rest of his belongings were they were for the moment, he locked the cupboard and made to leave. The sea was close now, a little too close for comfort, but years of experience told him there was time enough to cross the beach before the tide cut off this part of the bay. At the mouth of the cave, Chakotay looked out at the small patch of sand before it, sand that was windswept but dry, and in his mind's eye he saw Kathryn dance upon it like she had in his dream. Her hair was once again long and black, and she was sweeping across the sand with the elegance and grace of the music that was playing.

Tchaikovsky's _Dance of The Sugar Plum Fairy_.

Then he could see her sitting behind him, sitting on a rock and speaking.

_When I was a child I had a holo-program set in such a place and I spent hours playing there. I'd dress up as a fairy, always a purple dress, and fly with the other fairies over ponds or dance with them in a ring. Every time we danced, elves and pixies would play Dance of The Sugar Plum Fairy on flutes and fiddles..._

But then the vision and the memory was gone.

Slowly, Chakotay turned back to the shrinking patch of sand outside his cave and walked out to it. For some reason he was compelled to. Compelled to walk and look at the rocks. Wild waves were crashing against them now, spraying the air with foam, but as he looked at them, Chakotay found himself looking at something else. Looking at a memory, partaking in it. Kathryn, still in the flowing skirt and still with her hair black, was climbing them. Climbing them with a foolhardy confidence.

_I wouldn't go that way if I were you, _he heard himself say. _There's no passageway and climbing the rocks is dangerous._

But Kathryn didn't listen, instead she kept on climbing, and then...

And then she fell. Fell hard against the rocks, smacking her leg and her side. He felt the alarm of the moment, but then Kathryn was on her feet again, on her feet and declaring she was fine.

Fine, yet not fine.

She was hurt, limping, and needing his help. Slowly they walked to his cave, their arms linked, and then...

And then nothing.

The past was once again the present and he was alone.

Alone and back inside the cave. Chakotay sat again, hoping more memories would come to him, but they did not. All he could see was the rock around him and the sea edging ever closer, and all he could hear was the wind and the waves singing their ancient song. Bits and pieces. That's all he had. Bits and pieces of a time that had clearly been one of the most important of his life. And the irony was overwhelming. For so long he had dismissed those lost years as insignificant, yet in them he'd spent time with the most significant person in his life. If only he could remember it all. If only he could remember more than just one day. If only he could paint a complete picture. For pieces were still missing.

And then...

Just as he was getting up to walk back along the beach, he saw Kathryn on the floor. She was lying on a blanket, her head on a pillow, and he was treating her injuries. Treating them and talking. And then...

And then she was crying, recoiling from him in terror, clutching a rock.

Then her ghost faded away and another took her place. A Kathryn who was back on his balcony, sitting beneath the stars, a Kathryn he was talking to.

_Someone with a vision greater than ours once said that we are a match made in the stars. I think she might be right. I feel an affinity between us that I've never felt with anyone. Just give me a chance, Kathryn. I know you've been hurt. What happened in the cave...I know someone hurt you..._

Someone hurt you...

Tears filled Chakotay's eyes at the memory. Someone had hurt Kathryn. Hurt her so much that a man's touch had made her recoil like a frightened animal. And, knowing Kathryn, he knew that man wasn't an abusive father. Even though her father hadn't been around much when she was growing up, it was clear from the way she had always talked about him that she had adored him. That could only mean another man had hurt her. Not a torturer, for had she ever been captured and tortured, it would be on her record, so the man had to be a lover, a colleague, an acquaintance, or a stranger. And the hurt...the one thing he had always feared for her in the delta quadrant, sexual assault. Now all the pieces came together and painted a clear picture. And with that clarity came pain. Pain, anger and frustration. How had he been so blind? Even without their past connection, all the signs had been there: the way Kathryn had behaved on New Earth, the night-clothes she had worn; her lack of self-care; her self-isolation; the way she had always blown hot and cold, letting him in so far but not all the way; the things she'd said after the incident with Ezran, and the cutting of her hair; and the way she'd broken into tears that one night they'd started to make love. Couldn't be his lover and his captain, she had said, that a relationship was out of the question. And he, like an idiot, had believed it. Believed everything she'd said, everything she'd wanted him to believe. But evidently she had suffered another flashback that night. In his arms, his loving arms that would never hurt her, she had relived an unspeakable horror. A horror he would die to protect her from. Dammit! Why hadn't she told him? Why had she never told him? If she had, then everything would have been so different. He'd have been there for her, loved her and supported her, and helped her to heal. But instead she had shut him out and suffered alone. Shut him out the way she always did. And that...it angered him. Angered and hurt him. Hurt him for all her needless pain, for his, and for what could have been between them. But mostly he was angry at the man who had hurt her. As angry as hell. So angry that he wanted to kill him. Wanted to make him suffer for the suffering he had caused...

But anger would achieve nothing. Achieve nothing because it would change nothing. Change nothing but him...

Tearfully, he leant against the cave's jagged wall and took deep breaths to calm himself. Calm himself and remember more. Remember everything. Who had hurt Kathryn? When? Clearly a man before Mark, maybe even before Justin. Maybe as a child or...

No, he would not go down that road. He would not try to guess. It could have been any man, any where, at any time. All he could do was try to remember...try to remember if she'd told him who...

But nothing.

Either she had not told him or he could not remember. All he could hear was Mark's words...

_She would sleep with strangers but she wouldn't sleep with me._

Sleep with strangers. Now he finally understood. Kathryn, like so many other victims of sexual assault or abuse, had fallen into a promiscuous lifestyle as a way of channeling and numbing her pain. Sex then was just sex, a physical act only, an act without any emotional attachment. A self-punishment, a self-despising, a cry for help unheard. A silent scream in hell.

Drunk.

Kathryn had been drunk that night he'd taken her back to his lodge. Drunk and throwing herself at men. He remembered it all now. Remembered her proposition at the bar, remembered her leaving with another man, and remembered rescuing her from another in the park.

Drunk and reckless.

Teresa's words.

But drunk and hurting. Hurting more than most people could imagine. Hurting so much that all he wanted was to take her in his arms and hold her tight forever...

But she had never let him. Had never shared her pain. Always she had pushed him away. Pushed him away on Voyager, pushed him away before...

_I won't hurt you. I don't expect you to trust my word, trust isn't intrinsic it has to be earned, but I'd like you to give me the chance to earn your trust._

But she hadn't given him that chance. Instead she had walked away. Walked away and out of his life. He remembered now. Remembered their goodbye. And that was why he could only remember one day. There had only ever been one day. One day at his lodge. They had parted with a kiss, and a promise on her part that if she changed her mind, and wanted to see him again, she would get in touch.

Get in touch...

The strawberries...

She had come to the hospital, to get back in touch, only to learn he wouldn't remember her.

Damn the fates for that!

They could have been happy, could have lived the life he'd always dreamed of, the life every part of him yearned for. And that...it was hard take. So hard to take...

But then everything had to happen as it had to happen. A destinty greater than theirs was at stake. They were not meant to know each other then, not meant to be together.

_If we're destined, Chakotay, if there really is such a thing, then we'll find each other again._

Kathryn's words came back to him. Came back to him and comforted him. It was true. If they were destined to be together, then somehow, some way, they would come together. There was no point dwelling on the regrets and if-onlys of yesteryear. Those years were gone. Gone forever. What mattered now was the future. And that he was determined to make better.

To make better from this moment on.

Wiping away his tears, he hit his commbadge, requested a beam out, and then dematerialized.

END OF CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT


	29. Chapter 29

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER TWENTY NINE**

"Oh, hell," Kathryn said to Kollie as she looked at herself in a bathroom mirror, "that damn alien shampoo has turned me into Medusa!" Her hair, which she had just dried after taking a bath, was all frizz and fizz and looked like a frazzled mop. "I should have known it would do something terrible. Shampoos promising bounce without bush always do!" Sighing, she stepped away from the mirror. "But there's nothing I can do about it now. I'll just have to live with it. Because if I wash it again, I'll look like a walking beehive!"

With that, she pulled tight the belt on her silky blue robe, and then ventured into her bedroom. It was a large room, round in shape, and had turquoise walls and white round windows. Silver blinds shut out the night and on the floor was a silver carpet. The bed, which was four poster, was draped with white net, and had a gorgeous turquoise quilt of shimmering pink flowers. Scattered around the room were pieces of white furniture, including an ornate wardrobe that had doors of mirror, and Kathryn went over to a bureau on which rested a mini-replicator.

"Coffee," she said, "black."

Instantly, a cup of steaming coffee materialized, and Kathryn picked it up. Then, after taking a sip, she walked up some silver spiral stairs that led straight from the bedroom to the skylight. This was an impressive dome of glass, through which the outside city could be seen, and inside it was a lovely lounge. It had a silver sofa suite, a round white table, and a crystal cabinet that curved with the glass wall. Upon it were books, photos and gadgets, aswell as a pile of padds, and Kathryn picked up a pink one. Then she put down her cup on the coffee table and curled up on the sofa. Kollie, now fully grown, curled up with her, snuggling beside his mistress, and Kathryn tickled his ear as she switched on her padd and navigated to an article that she wanted to finish reading. It was a long article, and as boring as hell, but as it was compulsory reading for her students, it was also compulsory reading for her. However, after only three pages, Kathryn found that her mind was starting to wander. Instead of looking at the padd, she was looking up at the stars above her. They were glittering in a black heaven and, as she looked at them, she found herself remembering another sky full of stars. A sky that had twinkled over a fire, a fire Chakotay had built on New Earth. Around it they had sat, roasting chestnuts and drinking wine, and then they had lain by each other's side and looked up at the stars. Laughing, perhaps from the wine, they had pointed out shapes and made up their own constellations. Then she had leant over him, her hair loose and her hand on his chest, and their laughter had dwindled away as they lost themselves in each other. But then, all too aware of the chemistry between them, she had pulled away and suggested they call it a night.

Pulled away.

Always she had pulled away.

Pulled away from the man who had loved her, yet thrown herself at men who couldn't care less.

And now...

And now she was crying.

Crying at the memory. Crying for what could have been. Crying for missing him. Even though it had been months since his departure, the pain of his leaving was as raw as it had been on the first day. Without him she felt...felt like she'd felt when Justin died. Alone and lost. But it was too late now for regrets. Too late to wish that she could do things differently. Too late to rewrite the ending to their story. Chakotay was gone from her life, forever more only to be an acquaintance, and it was better that way. Better for both of them. He would find someone special to share his life with, maybe even have a family, and by living alone she would never have to face her demons. They could chase her, and would, but alone she could always outrun them. It was only in the eyes of love that she would have to face them and fight them. And she couldn't fight anymore. After a lifetime of fighting a losing battle, she didn't have the strength. But while she had accepted this fate, accepted she would always be alone, she still missed Chakotay. Missed him so much that her heart constantly ached.

And then...

And then the door chime played.

Surprised, as she was expecting no one, Kathryn sat up and addressed the computer.

"Computer, who's there?"

The computer answered instantly. "Unknown. Visitor's lifesign is not in database. But visitor is male, human, of Native American origin, and has black hair with a left temple tattoo."

At this, Kathryn's heart skipped a beat. Chakotay? Was the computer describing Chakotay? But no, it could not be. She was just dreaming. Dreaming he was here because she wanted him to be here. And yet...and yet she felt wide awake.

The computer questioned. "Do you wish to speak to visitor?

"Yes," Kathryn answered. "Put me through."

There was a bleep, a buzz, and then the connection was live.

"Hi," Kathryn said. "Who's calling?"

"It's me," a dearly familiar voice said. "Chakotay."

Chakotay.

It really was him. He really was here. Tears of joy filled Kathryn's eyes and it was a moment before she could speak.

"I...I'll be right there."

With that, she closed the connection, left the couch, and hurried down the stairs. They spiralled into her bedroom, then into a kitchen of lemon and white, and then into a lounge of pastel pink walls and purple sofas. These rooms were round too, each one bigger than the last, and lights lit them up as Kathryn stepped into them. The front door, which was a sliding door of white that matched the windows, was in the lounge and Kathryn hurried over to it. Kollie followed, as always, and stood beside her as she opened the door. It opened slowly, the moment seeming forever, and Kathryn still could not quite believe that Chakotay was on the other side. It was only when she saw him there, standing before her in a black jacket over black pants, that she knew it was true.

"Hi," he said.

Kathryn smiled through tears and then, before she knew it, was hugging him. "Hi to you."

Chakotay hugged her back, tearful himself, and closed his eyes as he buried his face in her hair. Gods, how much he had missed her. And gods, how much he loved her. Never did he want to let her go. He just wanted to hold her forever. But she was not his to hold. Not yet. Maybe never. Over the last three days he had done a lot of thinking. Too much thinking. Little had he slept and little had he ate. All he had thought about was Kathryn and what had happened to her. He needed to know. Needed answers. But he could not just bulldoze into her life and demand them. She had a new life now, perhaps a new love, and he would have to tread carefully.

"Please," Kathryn said, drawing away, "come in."

Chakotay stepped into the lounge and was immediately jumped on by an excited Kollie.

"Oh, down boy!" Kathryn cried. "Down!"

"It's ok," Chakotay said, petting him as he went back on all fours. "I don't mind. But hasn't he grown?"

"He sure has," Kathryn replied. "And far beyond The Doctor's estimation. But, thank heaven, he won't grow any bigger. And, if you're thinking he's not the only thing that's grown around here, meaning my hair, I have an explanation. I just took a bath and used this damn alien shampoo that practically electrocuted it."

Chakotay could only laugh.

"And, as I'm sure you don't want to have to look at it all night, let me pop upstairs and make myself decent."

"There's no need," Chakotay told her. "You look..." he wanted to say what he was thinking, beautiful, but ended up saying, "fine."

"For a scarecrow competition, maybe. Please, make yourself comfortable while I... No, on second thoughts, let me take you up to the skylight. It's a heavenly room, right at the top of the house, and has magnificent views over the city. You can wait there while I sort myself out."

"Ok," Chakotay said. "Lead the way."

Kathryn showed him to the stairs and he followed her up them. Kollie did too, bouncing past both of them, but Kathryn ordered him back to the lounge.

"Looks like he's learnt who's boss," Chakotay said as the mutt, head bowed, went back down the stairs.

"Yes," Kathryn smiled. "But he still has his moments. Only last week he ransacked the neighbor's greenhouse by chasing a rabbit around it. They're everywhere here, Chakotay...rabbits, that is, not greenhouses...and they're the strangest ones I've ever seen. They're completely blue, eyes and all, but have these huge green teeth that I swear glow in the dark."

Chakotay laughed again, laughed despite his heavy heart, and then looked curiously around the kitchen they had just entered. Never, in his life, had he been to a house that had a kitchen above the lounge.

"What's this?" he asked. "Some kind of higgledy piggledy house?"

"You could say that," Kathryn laughed. "It has this crazy round design, which means there's only one room on each floor, but it's in a good spot and I kind of like the novelty. I mean, it's not like I cook enough to be up and down, and the exercise can only be a good thing. I'm spending more time than ever behind a desk." She then went over to a small silver machine in a corner of the room. "Want a coffee? This baby makes the best. And I mean the best."

"Sure," he said, "thank you."

Kathryn replicated two coffees, needing another herself, and then placed them on a red machine.

"This'll beam them to the skylight," she said, "and we can pick them up there."

"Which has me kind of worried," Chakotay teased. "How many floors up are we talking about?"

"Just two more. This is a one bedroom house. But, if you were hoping to stay the night, there's a sofa bed in the skylight."

"Thank you," he said, "but I have a room at the starbase."

"I see," Kathryn replied. Her disappointment was visible but she tried to shake it off. "Your ship being serviced there?"

"No. It's on Starbase FX-10."

"Then what brings you to these parts? A convention?"

"No," he said honestly. "I'm here because I wanted to see you."

"Really? You've come all this way just to see me?"

He nodded.

"Oh, Chakotay. You shouldn't have. All you had to do was send word and I'd have met you somewhere half way between both of us."

"I didn't want to inconvenience you. You're working here and I'm...well, I'm on leave."

"It would hardly have been an inconvenience. I'd have loved to meet up with you. And as to work, well, I get to call a lot of shots. Most of them, in fact. I could easily have taken a couple of days off."

Chakotay said nothing, just gazed sadly at his hands.

"But you're here now and I really am delighted. I've missed you."

At this, Chakotay looked up at her and tears filled his eyes. "And I you."

For a long moment their eyes locked, then Kathryn looked away. "And we've got a lot of catching up to do. So, let's get moving so we can get started."

With that, she led Chakotay up the next flight of stairs to her bedroom, apologized for the mess, and then led him up to the skylight.

"I've spent hours up here," she told him as they arrived there, "reading or listening to music. In fact, it's the room that made me decide to take this house. I wasn't sure, you know, about the topsy-turvy design, but this room won me over."

"I'm not surprised. It truly is an impressive space."

"On a clear day you can see right to the lake, and on a clear night, like tonight, you can see the stars."

Chakotay looked up and saw the stars glitter above them.

"Hard to believe, isn't it," Kathryn went on, "that only last year we were somewhere amongst them, never knowing if we would see home again. That time seems...a lifetime ago."

"Yes," Chakotay agreed. "And yet only like yesterday."

"I miss those days. I never thought I'd say it, but I do. We all shared something special on Voyager, something I don't think we'll ever find again, and I miss it."

"Me too," Chakotay confessed.

"But, as they say, life goes on and I'm glad for the crew's sake that we're home."

"Not for your own?"

Kathryn tensed, rubbed her neck as she always did when she was uncomfortable, and then went to pick up their coffees. "Of course for my own too. I'm just...I'm just not the settling type. I like adventure, you know, adrenalin. Living a life that is predictable in every way bores me crazy. That's why I've come out here. After a year of the same old, same old, I needed a change of scene." Carefully, she handed Chakotay his coffee. "But enough about me. How are you? How was your first mission?"

"Everything I'd ever expected it to be," he replied, somewhat vaguely. "We achieved everything we set out to achieve and within the given time."

"I never doubted you would. But that's not exactly what I meant. How did you like being captain?"

"More than I thought I would. But our expedition was pretty straightforward. We got there and back without a single skirmish with aliens."

Kathryn lowered her eyes and gazed sadly into her coffee. "I suppose...I suppose you'll be leaving on another expedition soon."

Chakotay was a moment in answering. "Yes."

"And I suppose it's in deep space again."

"Yes. It's a five month mission to Jarkiva."

Kathryn felt tears sting her eyes. The familiar tears of heartache. The familiar tears of missing him. She didn't want him to go. Didn't want to have to live more months without him. But she would have to live without him, and she would have to get used to saying goodbye. That was the reality of their lives now.

"Then when I'm back from tidying up my hair," she said, "you can tell me all about it. In the meantime, make yourself comfortable."

She then put down her coffee and left the room.

When she was gone, Chakotay looked long at where she had stood, his heart feeling her departure, but then he took off his jacket and looked around the room. The most striking sight was the view of the city, which sloped down a hill, and for a while he gazed out at it. Then he found himself looking at the framed photos on Kathryn's cabinet. There were a lot, from different times in her life, and he carefully picked up one of her as a little girl. She was sitting on a porch swing, her red hair in braids, and was no more than five or six years old. One of her front teeth was missing, making her smile crooked, but it was such a happy smile that it warmed his heart. Behind her was a woman that he recognized as her mother, even though she was a lot younger, and in her mother's arms was a black haired infant that had to be Phoebe. Beside this picture, in a lavish gold frame, was one of what had to be her parents on their wedding day, and next to that was another of Kathryn. In this one she was about thirteen, and was standing before her father. In her hand was a tennis racquet, a white one with red stripes, and she was clad in white shorts and t-shirt. Her father's hand was on her shoulder, proudly and protectively, and Kathryn was again smiling. Chakotay then looked at a family shot, taken at what seemed to be a Starfleet event as her father was in uniform, and then at a grown-up picture of Kathryn that made his heart hurt. In it, she was standing with a man, a handsome man with black hair and green eyes, and their happiness was glowing. Kathryn was leaning into him, her arm around his waist, and he had an arm around her shoulder. They were somewhere warm, as she was wearing a pretty green sundress, and her freckled face was smiling with joy. The man had to be Justin, her fiance that had died, and Chakotay's heart ached for her loss. They had clearly been very much in love.

Then, hearing footsteps on the stairs, Chakotay put down the picture and turned around. As he did, Kathryn stepped into the room, her hair in a ponytail and her robe ditched for a blue dress, and she greeted him with a smile.

"That's me a ponytail smarter. But honestly, Chakotay, I'm seriously thinking about bobbing my hair again. It was so much easier to take care of. And, if that's not reason enough, it's so damn hot on this planet that having long hair's like carrying around a blanket."

Chakotay was going to remind her that he'd always loved her hair long, but as he might not be around to see it, the opinion seemed irrelevant.

"But, on the other hand," she went on, "it does give good protection from the sun, especially when loose. And, God knows, with my delicate skin I need all the protection I can get. Only last week I burnt to a crisp after taking Kollie for a walk on the beach. Next time someone asks me what I think is the best invention of our time, I'm definitely going to say dermal regenerators."

Chakotay smiled, but there was a sadness in his eyes as he watched her cross the room and pick up her cooling cup of coffee. It was partly a sadness for his own heart, for the longing that it had to be around this woman always and listen to her chatter, but it was mostly a sadness for hers, for all the pain and the sorrow it had felt. Kathryn was a good woman, a brave and compassionate one, and she deserved to be happy. But he could see that she wasn't. Not only were there dark circles around her eyes, but she was painfully thin. He could also tell that she was putting on an act, an act of being happy.

"These coffees are almost cold," she said, taking a sip. "Want me to replicate some more? I can do it without traipsing downstairs as I have another replicator in here. It's nothing as sophisticated as the other, and the coffee isn't half as nice, but at least it makes me what I ask for, which is more than can be said for my replicator on Voyager. Boy, did that baby drive me crazy! Oh, and speaking of babies, did you know that Neelix had a girl?"

"Yes," Chakotay said. "But I don't know her name."

"It's Lixa. She's a few months old now and is the cutest thing. But I'm going off on a tangent again. Do you want fresh coffee?"

"No, thank you," he answered. "I've almost finished."

"Then I'll make do as well. But please, sit yourself down."

Chakotay sat in a chair and Kathryn sat opposite him on the sofa.

"So, tell me more about what's happening with you? I'm guessing there's a reason you've come all this way to see me. Perhaps to...invite me to a wedding?"

Chakotay understood her meaning. "No," he answered. "There's no one. You?"

"The same. I'm really busy and..." She suddenly got to her feet. "I've just gotta have a fresh coffee."

With that, she went over to a mini-recycler and switched it on.

"But I'll tell you who is getting married," she said as she recycled her coffee, "Harry Kim. And not to Libby. Apparently things didn't work out. And you'll never guess who he is marrying, Nicola Weston. Strange, isn't it? All those years together on Voyager and they never noticed each other, but now they're the most important person in each other's life. They met at some function last year, Voyager related, and it was all fireworks and sparks from the get go."

The coffee recycled, Kathryn now moved to the replicator.

"Other news is that Sam's pregnant again, a boy this time. Naomi, as you can imagine, is ecstatic. She's always wanted a brother or a sister. My friend Holly's expecting again too, though I don't know what she's having as she wants it to be a surprise. The baby's due in September and I really hope to be around for the birth this time. Not literally, of course, that's Ben's place, but for the aftermath. When Jasper was born I was in space and the same with Katie." On went the replicator, and a blue light flashed as it warmed up. "Of course, all these babies means I'm knitting again. I'm making a blanket for Sam's, exactly like the one I made for Naomi, except for the color, and I'm making clothes for Holly's...you know, the usual booties, hat and coat. I had a hell of a time deciding on a color, as I wanted it to be suitable for a boy or a girl but not be a predictable white or yellow, so in the end I went for orange." A cup of hot coffee materialized and Kathryn picked it up. "It was either that or purple, but a light shade could look too girly and a dark shade too dark. But orange is a winner, I think."

Kathryn then turned to him and took a sip of coffee before speaking again.

"Would you like something to eat? Your wish is my replicator's command."

"No," Chakotay replied. "Thank you."

"Then I'll just put out some nuts...just incase you get peckish." She turned back to the cabinet, opened a glass door, and reached inside. "They're real, not replicated, and native to this planet. You'll love them as they have this delicious taste that is something between pecans and almonds. I got them at a market last weekend, a huge one that's held once a month, and wish I'd got a boxful." Out of the cupboard came a silver container, and Kathryn opened it. "In fact, I'm going to program my replicator to...Damn, they've almost all gone. But don't despair, I'll do the programming now. Then we can eat them to our heart's content."

As Kathryn closed the cupboard and returned to the replicator, talking more about the nuts just to talk about something, Chakotay could endure the tension no more. It was partly fuelled by him, he knew, as he wasn't his usual self, and it was up to him to relieve it.

"Kathryn," he said, "I remember."

At this, Kathryn's fingers, which were flying over the replicator's console, stilled. Then her hand lowered, as did her head, and she withered into a hunched and haunted figure. She clearly did not need to be told what he remembered.

"I see," she said quietly. "How...how much?"

Chakotay got to his feet and slowly closed the gap between them. "Everything. I also know that you were never engaged to Mark."

Unshed tears glistened under Kathryn's eyelashes. "Who...who told you?"

"That doesn't matter," he said kindly. "What matters is why you've never told me."

For a long moment, Kathryn said nothing, did nothing, then she turned to the wall of glass that looked out at the city.

"I wanted to," she said, "because I never...I never wanted to live a lie. But if I told you about that then...well, I'd have to tell you about the rest. And I didn't want to. I didn't want to open that door and let the past inside. Voyager wasn't the place to fight my demons. So I kept up the pretence." A tear ran down her cheek. "I was also ashamed. Because if you remembered, then you'd remember what I was, and I...I was afraid of losing your respect."

"That would never have happened, Kathryn. I respected you then and I respect you now."

"Even though I've deceived you?"

"I know you think you had your reasons. But I wish things had been different."

"Me too. But I was going to tell you. That night of our return, I was going to tell you then. But you were with Seven and...and it just wasn't the right time."

"For some things there is never a right time."

Kathryn lowered her eyes. "I know. And I'm sorry."

"But I'm not here to lecture you. What's done is done. I'm here because I love you."

At this, Kathryn turned back to him, tears in her eyes. "Don't, Chakotay. Please don't go there. Because I can't let you in only for you to walk away. I can't...I just can't."

Tenderly, Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "I won't walk away, Kathryn. Not ever."

"But there's so much you don't know about me. Because that woman I was when you first knew me, that drunk woman who would sleep around, she still lives inside me. I wish she didn't, I wish she would leave me alone, but she won't and I don't know if she ever will. Because I never resolved those issues you said needed resolving. I tried, more than once, but always...always I'd find myself back at square one. And I don't know if I'm strong enough to try again. And you don't need the grief. Because I've hurt you too much already. I want you to be happy, want you to find a woman who can be everything you need. Because I can't. I'm still in a bad place, still so messed up in my head that...that I'm no good for anyone. So please, if you really love me, accept that we can never be."

"I can't do that, Kathryn. I've tried, a million times, but I've never been able to let you go. Not completely. I love you too much. And I need you. This last year, living without you, it was like living without a piece of myself. I know you're in a bad place, and I can guess why, but you don't have to stay there. _We_ don't have to stay there. Together we can find our way to a good place."

As she looked into his eyes, Kathryn wanted to believe it, wanted to believe that there was finally a way out of the hell she had been living in for so long, but she couldn't. Couldn't because she was afraid to. Now the moment was here, now all her dreams were on the verge of coming true, she was afraid. Afraid of reaching for his hand only for him to let her go when she was almost out of the pit. The fall back down might just kill her.

"I don't know, Chakotay. I don't know if there is a good place for me. Maybe there's just a better place. And that better place is being alone. Because I know I'll hurt you. I know I'll hurt both of us. And I can't take any more pain."

Tenderly, Chakotay brushed his fingers against her cheek. "I once told you a story about an angry warrior who couldn't find peace, even with the help of his spirit guide. For years he struggled with his discontent, and the only satisfaction he ever got came when he was in battle. This made him a hero amongst his tribe. One day, he and his war party were captured by a woman warrior. The woman warrior was brave, beautiful, and very wise. She asked him to join her, because her tribe was too small and weak to defend itself, and the angry warrior swore to himself that he'd stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make her burdens lighter, and in that way, the warrior began to know the true meaning of peace. You're my peace, Kathryn. My comfort and my joy. Let me be yours. Let me love you and make all your burdens lighter."

"I want that, Chakotay. I want it more than anything. But intimacy is...it's hard for me. I've never...always I've been drunk. And now...now I don't know any other way. And don't say love will light it, because love doesn't. Not ever. And I can't do it anymore. I can't fight anymore."

"You don't have to. The fight ends here, Kathryn. Because I meant what I said. I'll never walk away. I love you and I need you. Not for sex, or for anything else you think I want from you, but for you. Just you. My brave, wise, and beautiful Kathryn."

Kathryn wanted to protest, wanted to argue her case, but instead of words, all that flowed was tears. And then...

And then she was weeping.

Gently, Chakotay gathered her in his arms and all Kathryn could do was cling to him.

END OF CHAPTER TWENTY NINE


	30. Chapter 30

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER THIRTY**

For a long time Kathryn wept, but then, at last, she was still in Chakotay's arms.

"That night at my lodge," he said, stroking her hair, "I reminded you that someone with a vision greater than ours once told us that we were a match made in the stars. Let me remind you of that again. And let me tell you that it's true. There's no one for me but you, Kathryn. There never has been and there never will be. You're the love of my life and I want to share my life with you."

"And I with you," Kathryn said. "But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of messing up again. Because I always do. I always fail."

"You've never failed at anything, Kathryn. You've certainly never failed me. I wish you'd told me, wish all this had been out in the open years ago, but if not telling me was a mistake, well, we all make them. But mistakes don't make us a failure. They make us human."

"The trouble is," Kathryn said, drawing away, "I've made so many. And I keep on making them. I keep on hurting those who love me. But I don't mean to. I just...I don't know how to love. And I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that of all the women on Voyager, all the women you've ever known, you had to love me."

Chakotay took her hands in his. "Don't ever be sorry for that, Kathryn. Loving you has been the greatest joy of my life and I thank the gods for you."

"But the truth is you don't love the real me, Chakotay. You love the me you think I am. The real me is...not even someone I like. I prefer the captain, the admiral. She's always in control, always focussed and disciplined. But Kathryn, she's...she's a mess." Tears filled her eyes. "And I'm ashamed to let you know her."

"I think you're giving Kathryn less credit than she deserves. The captain, the admiral, she's tough and determined, but it's Kathryn that gives her her heart. Without Kathryn she'd be just an empty vessel. I realize there's a lot I don't know about you, more than I could ever have imagined, but I do know you. And I love you. Because you're not your past, Kathryn. You're the amazing woman standing before me. The woman that has been my friend and companion for most of this decade. I know you better than I've ever known anyone." Tenderly, he put his hand to her cheek. "Don't ever be ashamed of who you are. And don't ever feel that you have to hide a part of yourself from me. I love you and there's nothing you can tell me about yourself, or your past, that will change that."

"But love does change, Chakotay. It never stays the same. Either it grows or...or one day it's gone. And if it dies, then...then something must kill it. Knowing what you do now...about my past...must change your feelings in some way."

"Yes," he answered. "But I don't love you less. Now I feel...I can't really describe it. More protective, maybe. Because I know that someone hurt you, Kathryn. And that...it makes me sad, hurt and angry all at once."

"I''m sorry. I'm sorry that my past has to hurt you. I never wanted that. Not for you, not for Mark, or for Justin. But that's what loving me does. It hurts."

"That's not true, Kathryn. Loving you hurts no more than loving anyone. Because we always hurt when someone we love hurts. That's the deal. But tell me what happened, Kathryn. Tell me who hurt you."

Slowly, uncomfortably, Kathryn broke away from him and turned again to the city.

"It was my boyfriend when I was at the Academy. His name was Neal and he was a scientist at the Haydock Facility. I thought he was Mr Wonderful, my scientist in shining armor, but instead of being my defender, he did what you've guessed. He raped me." A tear ran down her cheek. "It was just after Christmas and we were going to a party. I don't remember where but every one who was any one was going. I was really looking forward to it, although I couldn't for the life of me decide on a dress, but Neal didn't want us to go. He wanted us to...to take our relationship to the next level. But I wasn't ready. I was still a virgin and... But he wouldn't take no for an answer. He threw me onto my bed and he raped me."

Tears filled Chakotay's eyes at this confirmation of what he'd feared, and a familiar anger welled deep inside, the familiar desire to kill the guy. But, for Kathryn's sake, he contained it.

"I'm sorry."

"For so long I couldn't even say the words. It's only now, after months of therapy, that I can. But still, the words stick in my throat." She turned back to him. "It destroyed my life, Chakotay. I was never the same after. That night a part of me died forever. Because when someone you love hurts you that much, it kills something inside. I don't think I'll ever be the same again."

"Sometimes we can't be," Chakotay said sadly. "Sometimes something happens that is so profound that it changes us forever. I know I'll never be the same man I was before the Cardassians killed my family. But there is healing. You taught me that."

"I know. I just...sometimes I think it's never going to come for me. Every time I try, something gets in the way and I end up hurting more. But I am through the worst. I've been seeing a counsellor since we got home and she's helped a lot. Because I never dealt with what happened. I just buried the pain deep inside and pressed self-destruct. And I'm ashamed of that. I'm ashamed that I let my life fall apart when people who have been through worse things...torture, gang rapes, child abuse...have held theirs together. Jackie, my counsellor, says I shouldn't feel that way, that I've made a success of my life, but I feel like a failure in what matters. And that's in relationships."

Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "Jackie's right. You shouldn't feel that way. You're a strong woman, Kathryn. Only a heavy load could break you. A load made up of more than just one weight. Being violated by love has to be the hardest violation of all to come to terms with, and I'm sorry it happened to you. Sorry and angry. My greatest fear in the delta quadrant, next to losing you, was something like this. I wanted to protect you from it and, to protect you, would willingly have given my life."

"I know that, Chakotay. I didn't always, and there were times I was uncomfortable alone with you, but I know it now. You've shown me a million times that you'd die for me. I know I'm safe with you. But knowing that isn't enough to...to make everything ok. I wish it was, I wish that love really could conquer all, but it doesn't. Love just hurts me more."

"Not love, Kathryn. The vulnerability that comes with loving someone. After what happened you're afraid of letting your guard down, of letting someone inside your defenses, and that's only to be expected. When we love someone, we want to let them in, we want to have them as close as possible, but when our instincts tell us to keep them at bay, that's when we get a conflict between heart and mind, and conflict is always painful."

"I wish it would stop...the conflict and the pain. But you're right. I do find it hard to let people in. Even before it was difficult, but afterwards...afterwards it was impossible. I saw him in every man and...and I couldn't think about sex without feeling sick. Everyone else would say how amazing it was, how they couldn't get enough, but for me just the word hurt. And that...you don't know what it's like. How lonely it makes you feel. I felt disconnected from the world, like I wasn't a part of it, and every day was a battle to survive."

"Did you tell someone?"

"No. I know I should have, know I should have reported him, but I couldn't. I couldn't deal with it. I just wanted it to go away. So I treated my own injuries and asked Daddy to get me a new dorm. I couldn't bear to be in mine. Every time I saw my bed I wanted to throw up. So I slept on the floor in the bathroom. Every night until I was in the new room." She paused. "But he didn't live long afterwards...Neal. He was killed in battle."

"I'm glad," Chakotay said. "Because if I ever met him I'd kill him."

"I don't think he was well, Chakotay. Not that I'm making excuses, I just...I don't think he was well. Either that or he just couldn't control himself. I don't know and I'm tired of trying to figure it out. All I know is that one moment he was normal, and the next...But he cried after, I remember that. Cried and said he was sorry. And maybe he was. But my life was ruined. I couldn't trust guys and I couldn't be comfortable with my body. It felt dirty, somehow, never clean, no matter how many baths I took. And where ever I went I felt like men were ogling me, like their eyes were on me, seeing me naked. So I covered myself up. Wore baggy clothes and pants. Always pants. It was a long time before I could wear a dress again. Not until Justin."

"Did you confide in him?"

"No. He had enough to deal with. His childhood had been difficult and he'd been horrifically tortured by the Cardassians. I didn't want to bother him with my problems. And I thought my ordeal was over, you know? That I'd finally moved on. I loved him, and I trusted him, and I didn't think that intimacy would be a problem. But when we started to make love I had a flashback. It came out of nowhere and...and it was like I was back there with Neal, like I was reliving the whole thing. I ran out of our cabin, even though it was snowing and I had nothing on except a robe, and ended up I don't know where. But Justin found me and...and he was so amazing. I pushed him away, told him it was over, but he wouldn't accept it. He said we could work things out and...and he asked me to marry him. But then he died and what was left of me died too. Nothing mattered afterwards. I was dead inside. Numb. Numb to everything except pain. And I didn't want to live. I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. But I had to go on living because I was alive. Jackie says I was severely depressed, that I needed help, but every time it was offered I rejected it. And that's...that's when the whole sleeping around thing started."

Chakotay's hand returned to her shoulder. "Tell me how it started. But first, let's sit down."

Kathryn didn't object, her legs felt like jello, so she sat on the sofa with Chakotay.

"I suppose it's easier to tell you the how and the when than the why," she said. "Because I don't know why, Chakotay. I don't know why I lived that way for so long. I didn't want to. I just...I'd just come to rely on the fix. Jackie says it was a twisted type of coping mechanism, a self-destructive one like anorexia, and it was about control. Neal had taken that away from me and this was a way of getting it back. She says it was also a way of confirming my low opinion of men. You know, by seeking out men who were only interested in sex, it confirmed my opinion that sex was all men were interested in. Not that I really think that, because I don't, but a part of me did, the damaged part. But mostly, I think, I did it because I wanted to feel normal. I'd always wanted that. Always wanted to be the woman I had been before, the romantic girl who had believed in happy ever afters. But what was left of her died with Justin and I just didn't care about anything anymore. If men wanted a piece of me, they could have it."

Clumsily, she reached for her coffee and took a drink. Even though the black liquid was colder than the first, her mouth was so dry that she didn't care.

"But," she then continued, " I was always drunk. That's the only way I could do it. And that's kind of how it started. Holly set me up on a date, one I really didn't want to go on but did, and I ended up getting drunk and sleeping with the guy. The next morning, when I woke up in his bed, I felt euphoric. Like I'd done it, like I'd beaten all my demons. All day I was on a high, convinced that I was now normal, but that night when I made out with the guy sober, I felt sick the whole time. Luckily it was over in minutes, and I got called away, but I ended up crying and being sick in a toilet. I knew then that I wasn't cured, that the only way I'd got through it the night before was by being drunk, and that's...that's kind of when the seed was sown. Maybe to reassure myself that I could do it drunk, I ended up sleeping with another guy that very night, and for nights afterwards a different guy. It was never hard to find one. We were a large crew, of mostly males, and were a long way from home. But all the drinking affected my work and I almost got demoted. If it hadn't been for the mitigating circumstances...you know, the accident...then I probably would have been. It was a wake-up call and after that I only picked up men when we were home." Tears clouded her eyes. "There have been a lot of men, Chakotay. I don't know how many exactly but it's got to be near a hundred. And if that disgusts you, I want you to know it does me too."

"It doesn't disgust me, Kathryn," he replied. "I know you were hurting. But it does sadden me. Profoundly. And I wish things had happened differently between us. I wish I'd fought harder to keep you in my life. Then, perhaps, I could have made a difference."

"You did, Chakotay, make a difference. That day at your lodge was one of the best days of my life. After the accident I wished I was dead every day. From the moment I got up until the moment I went to bed. My life was just...just a dark void of pain. But sometimes something would happen that made me feel glad to be alive. A spectacular anomaly in space, for example, or just a beautiful piece of music. For those moments I'd be glad to be alive just to have experienced them. And the day at your lodge was like that. For the first time in such a long time I was glad to be alive. Glad from the moment I woke up and found myself in such a delightful room. The backdrop of mountains was breathtaking, the deer outside a thrill, and your bathroom...oh, what a heaven. Usually after a night of...you know...I'd wait until I got home to bathe, but I couldn't resist your bath. I filled it to the brim and had one of the best baths of my life. And the joy didn't end there. Everything about your lodge was a joy. The setting, the design, the amazing rooms and the fabulous antler chandeliers. And that was without the beach. I've never been anywhere as wonderful. And I've never revisited anywhere as much in my imagination or in my dreams."

"I'm truly glad for that," Chakotay said, his eyes moist. "When I built my lodge, restored it from just a shell, I made it to be a home, a place to share with someone special. I'm glad my effort wasn't in vain. All the work I put in, all the heart and the soul, is worth it for that one day it brought you joy."

Kathryn put down her cup and reached for his hand. "More joy than you can ever know. But what I said to you that day was true too. All the splendor would have meant nothing if the man who owned it hadn't been splendid too. And you were, Chakotay. Even though I was a slut you treated me with respect and you were a true gentleman."

"You weren't a slut, Kathryn. You were a hurting woman who used men and sex to numb her pain. I knew that then and I know it now."

"I was a slut, Chakotay. The reasons don't matter. The fact is, I would sleep with any guy when I was drunk. And the only reason I tried to pick you up at the bar was for a bet. That's the kind of woman I was. But you weren't that kind of man. You told me that yourself...not that kind of guy. You could so easily have taken advantage of me, but you didn't, and that...you don't know how much that meant." She squeezed his hand. "I wish I'd said yes. When you said you wanted to see me again, I wish I'd said yes. But more than that, I wish I hadn't chickened out of our first date. Because if I hadn't then...then our whole lives might have been different."

"Yes," he agreed. "But what happened? Why did you stand me up?"

"I don't know, exactly. I guess because I was scared. I hadn't been on a date since Neal and I wasn't ready. When I got to the restaurant, and saw you at the bar, I felt sick inside, like the whole world was caving in on me and I couldn't breathe. So I left and went to Hawaii for a few hours."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry you went through all that. I wish I'd seen you. Wish I'd waited in the foyer and been there to greet you."

"Me too. But I guess it just wasn't meant to be. And if you'd seen the drab clothes I was wearing, well, it might have been you bolting."

"Not in a million years. I was interested in you, Kathryn, not in your clothes. There was something about you that lit up my soul and I wanted to get to know you better. I felt the same when we met again all those years later. Even though I turned you down at the bar, I was attracted to you. Attracted and captivated. I couldn't take my eyes off you and that's how I ended up coming to your rescue."

"For which I never really thanked you. So I thank you now. But I don't really remember much about that night. I was so drunk that...well, you know how drunk I was. And I was always that drunk. But you know that. You must as you knew it then."

"Yes. I'm just sorry that I forgot. All these years I've believed nothing significant happened during my lost years, that those two years were the same as the two before and the two after, but something significant did happen and the forgetting of it changed both our lives forever."

"Yes. But you didn't forget, Chakotay. Those years were taken from you by an injury. And, if there's such a thing as destiny, we have to believe that wasn't by chance. If you hadn't been injured then...well, who knows what would have happened."

"You'd have come back into my life and we'd have picked up from where we left off. Because she was you, wasn't she? The woman who left me a basket of strawberries at the hospital was you."

Kathryn hesitated, but then nodded.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry you decided to get back in touch only to be told I wouldn't remember you."

"Me too. But, as I said, it just wasn't meant to be. And we can't blame it all on your injury. I could have stayed, could have reintroduced myself to you. But I just couldn't face it."

"I understand. But was this, our past connection, the real reason you accepted the mission to capture me?"

"Yes. Only I didn't accept it, exactly. I kind of volunteered myself. I was in Admiral Horton's office, having just told him I wasn't interested in being recruited to mission Maquis when Captain Adam Brentwell came in and offered his services. Admiral Horton gave him a crew and I couldn't believe it when that crew turned out to be yours. I didn't know your homeworld was one of those handed over to the Cardassians and I didn't know you were in the Maquis. When I was told about your family I felt sick inside, but Adam had no sympathy. He'd lost loved ones in a skirmish with the Maquis and was hell bent on revenge. If he'd have gone after you he'd have killed you and I couldn't let that happen. So I offered to go after you instead. Even though I knew you'd hate me for it, putting you in prison was better than letting you die. And I don't regret it. I don't regret my decision."

"Neither do I. In fact, I thank the gods for it. But I'm sorry that act of compassion led to our stranding."

"To put it plainly, I'm not. I'm not sorry for our journey. I suppose it's easy to say that now we're home, because when we were in the delta quadrant my decision to destroy the array did torture me, but I say it with all sincerity. I'm glad for those years, for everything we shared and the family we became. I'd do it all again in an instant. The only thing I regret is the pain I caused you."

"What's done is done, Kathryn. We caused each other pain, both in our different ways, but what matters now is not the pain then but the joy we can have now. Because from now on everything is going to be different. No more suffering alone. We're going to face your past together and we're going to make a better future."

"I'd like to believe that, Chakotay, but I'm afraid to. People think that love makes everything ok, that it takes all the pain away, but it doesn't. I learnt that with Justin and I learnt it with you. Because that night, on Voyager, when we...I had a flashback."

"I know that, Kathryn. I figured it out. And I'm sorry."

"Me too. Because I wanted it for us. I wanted it so much. But even though I loved you, and I trusted you, it wasn't enough to stop the flashback. And I'm scared it will keep on happening. Jackie says it won't, that if I deal with my issues then my subconscious won't have any messages to send me, but I...I'm not so sure. For so long sex has been something bad for me. I can't imagine it ever being something good. And it's not because I'm scared of it, I'm not. God knows, I've had it enough times when I'm drunk, it's...it's the control. It's the trust. And, you know, the command structure on Voyager didn't do much to help my problems. Jackie says it probably made them worse. She says I didn't need the conflict, didn't need the added dilemma of whether or not my feelings for you were right because of our positions. She says the conflict kept me in a bad place. But I do want intimacy, Chakotay. I long for it even. But between the longing and the dread is a huge bridge and I don't know if I can cross it."

Chakotay squeezed her hand. "You can, Kathryn. We can. Together."

"But it could take a long time, Chakotay. How long, I don't know, and neither does Jackie. She says for some it only takes weeks, but for others months or longer. Because if I try to cross the bridge too fast then...then I'm just going to fall off the edge."

"I understand that. I know there needs to be a time of healing. And please, don't think of it as any kind of hardship on my part. Growing in intimacy with you, loving you and touching you, can only ever be a privilege. And even if this wasn't an issue, I'd want us to take things slowly. In the end, a relationship is all the better for it."

"But I might never heal completely, Chakotay. Jackie says that...that some women can never..." She couldn't say the words.

"Can never what?" he kindly prompted.

"You know...do the...man on top. And I don't know if I can. With you, and with Justin, I felt..." tears filled her eyes, "felt like I was suffocating."

And then...

And then she was weeping.

Tenderly, Chakotay drew her into his arms and cradled her against him.

"I'm sorry, Kathryn," he said. "Truly and deeply sorry. I wish you'd told me. I wish there was something I could have done to take your pain away. Because I never want you to hurt. And, in my arms, I only want you to feel safe. Safe and loved. Because you are, so very much."

"I do, Chakotay," she told him tearfully. "I do feel safe and loved. And that night, when you stayed with me and held me, I felt safer than I'd ever felt my whole life. But as I said, loving you, and trusting you, doesn't stop me reacting. And the feeling of suffocation...the helplessness...I'm scared it will never go away."

Chakotay kissed her and held her tighter. "It will, Kathryn. Just give yourself time. Give us time. Because it really is a great healer. What seems impossible now might one day happen naturally. But if doesn't, if the feelings persist, then there are many other wonderful ways we can make love. That is if you want to. I'm happy just to be with you. To hold you like this and know that the woman I love loves me."

"Thank you," Kathryn said, "but I wouldn't ask that of you. If I can't be what you need, then...then it's better for us just to be friends. Because we have a wonderful friendship, Chakotay. And it's a friendship I depend on. I don't want anything to jeopardize it. I know our feelings do, that wanting more than friendship hurts our friendship, but not having you in my life would hurt more. And that's why we have to be sure before...before we change our parameters. Because a sexual relationship is, by definition, sexual."

"Yes. But only if we choose to call it that. I don't. I prefer romantic."

Kathryn drew away so she could look at him. "But that's just semantics, Chakotay. We have sexual feelings for each other and that's...that's what complicates things for me. With strangers, it was just sex. No strings, no bonds, just sex. But with you...with you there's love and there's desire, and that's...that's sexual love. And it scares me. Because when Neal...his desire was frantic, like a frenzy, like...like he was an animal. It consumed him completely, transformed him, and...and left me helpless. Because I couldn't fight him. I tried, did everything I could, but he was too strong. And I never want to go through that again. The helplessness, the frenzy, the pain."

"That wasn't desire, Kathryn. That was...I don't know if I can find the words. Brute lust, maybe. Because desiring someone isn't the same as lusting after them. I'm not sure that I can describe the difference, at least not very well, but there's a reason why they're two difference words in a dictionary. Lust is..it's selfish, gratuitous, about using someone for your own pleasure. But desire...desire is more reverent and adoring. And I know because I've seen the difference in women's eyes." Tenderly, he brushed his fingers against her cheek. "I always loved the way you looked at me, Kathryn. I loved the twinkle in your eyes, the sparkle in your smile, and the way you'd gaze at me when you thought I wasn't looking. I wanted you to look at me that way always and, when you stopped, I missed it."

"I never stopped, Chakotay. I never stopped loving you. I just...the last few months on Voyager were difficult for me. I got over what happened with Ezran pretty quickly, even if my hair was a permanent casualty, but what happened with Jaffen really tortured me. You thought that I was missing him, that I loved him, but if I did on that planet, I didn't afterwards. I just felt...violated. Like...like I'd been raped again in a different way. Because when I was on that planet, living a life that wasn't my own, I was the woman I had always wanted to be. The woman I would have been had I never met Neal. A woman who didn't need to be drunk to have sex. And I remembered it afterwards, the sex. Not all of it, kind of like in a dream, but the intensity and the pleasure. And I didn't want to remember it...didn't want to feel it...not that way. Because I've never known it, Chakotay, the pleasure. Not once with any man. And if that wasn't enough to deal with, I found out a few weeks later that I was pregnant. But by the time I found out I'd already lost the baby. I went to sickbay with cramps and...and The Doctor said I was suffering a miscarriage." Her voice fell to a whisper. "It hurt so much, Chakotay. I wanted that baby."

At this, Chakotay drew away from her and clasped his hands together, his face strained and figure taut.

"You're angry," Kathryn said, fresh tears in her eyes. "You're hurt and angry that I didn't tell you."

"Yes," he answered. Then he looked up at her. "Why, Kathryn? Why didn't you tell me? If not about everything else, at least about the miscarriage. Why did you go through it all alone?"

"I don't know. Maybe because it was the only way I could hold myself together. Because if I'd talked of it, if I'd let myself feel the pain, then I think I would have fallen apart. And I couldn't do that. I had a crew depending on me to get them home. So I shut out the pain and I shut out you. It was the only way I could survive. Because you always have a way of getting to me, Chakotay, of breaking through my shields, and that...sometimes it makes me feel vulnerable when I need to feel strong."

"Sometimes we need to be vulnerable to be strong. By denying our pain, by shutting out those who care, we only hurt ourselves more."

"I know that. My whole life is a testimony of that. But sometimes we learn a lesson too late." She lowered her eyes. "And you have every right to be angry. I haven't just messed up my life, I've messed up yours. And I'm sorry for that."

"I just wish you'd told me, that you hadn't left me to second guess your feelings. If I'd known, if I'd only even suspected, then things that happened wouldn't have happened. But I didn't know. I thought the reason you were distance and withdrawn was because you were missing Jaffen. Until then, until him, I'd kept the hope alive that someday there'd be a time for us. But if you loved him then it had to mean you didn't love me anymore. So for once, and for all, I tried to let you go."

"For your sake, I wish you had let me go, that you'd found what you were looking for with Seven. Because even though she has problems, they're nothing like mine. And I don't know how much I can change, Chakotay. I don't know how much I can open up or if I can ever be the woman you need."

At this, Chakotay's anger ebbed and he reached for her hand. "You are the woman I need, Kathryn. I don't want you to change. If you did, then you wouldn't be you. I just want our relationship to change. Instead of keeping everything to yourself, and all your pain bottled up, I want you to confide in me. Promise me that you will. Promise me that from now on you'll bring your pain to me."

"I can't," Kathryn said tearfully. "I can only promise to try. Because it really is hard for me to open up, Chakotay. It always has been, even before Neal. What I said to you during our first meal in the delta quadrant, about having lots of friends when I was growing up, well, I lied. I didn't have lots of friends. I spent a lot of time alone, especially as I got older. I just didn't fit in with the crowd. Phoebe did, she fitted in everywhere she went, but not me. I was too different. I thought about things that other girls didn't and I could do things that most girls my age couldn't. That made a lot of them jealous. I used to wish sometimes that I wasn't as clever, that I was just average, because life is easier then. You just blend in with the crowd and no one notices you. But I was brilliant at science and math, always top of the class, and a lot of the girls resented me for it. Josephine Jenkins didn't have that problem, not really. She was good at everything but not outstanding in anything, and only graduated top because she was an excellent all rounder. I was hopeless at cookery, worse at music, and terrible at art. She also had an older brother who was considered hot so all the girls wanted to know her. Boys did too because she was beautiful. I wanted to be like her, wanted to be popular and pretty as well as clever, but I guess I felt for her what many felt for me." She paused. "High school politics, Chakotay, not nice."

"Which makes me glad I missed it. But I'm sorry for your isolation. We all need to feel accepted, that we're liked for ourselves, that we belong."

"That's what Jackie says. According to her, I have more issues to deal with than just Neal. I have my childhood, Justin, the delta quadrant. I think, given the chance, she'd have me in that room with her forever. But I know you've struggled with belonging too. And, to be honest, I'm ashamed that I'm so messed up when you've been through far worse. Yes, Justin and Daddy dying was the worst thing that ever happened to me, but having loved ones die in an accident is no where near as terrible as having them massacred. I can't imagine what you went through. But I know it was a hell far worse than mine."

"Grief is grief, Kathryn. No one would say to a woman who's lost her son that she has no right to grieve because some people have lost two. That's not the way it works. You lost people you loved in tragic circumstances, and that pain was as raw and as real as mine. And it made me crazy too. It made me do things that normally I wouldn't have." He paused. "You suffered two horrendous ordeals very close to each other and the trauma was too much. But you survived, Kathryn. No matter how bad things got, you didn't give in. You picked yourself up and you made a success of your life. Because Jackie's right. You are a success. You're an inspiration to millions and you're one of the most respected and decorated officers in Starfleet history. You should be very proud of everything you've achieved. I certainly am."

"Thank you. And I am...proud. At least, I am now. But it was our achievement, Chakotay. We got Voyager home. I didn't do it alone." A tear ran down her cheek. "But if people knew how messy it is inside my head, how messy my whole life has been, they wouldn't see me as an inspiration. And, considering the amount of men I've slept with, I'm surprised my sordid past hasn't hit the headlines already. But I guess they don't remember that they slept with me. I was just another drunken lay to them. And, in those days, my hair was rarely red. For a long time it was black, short and black, and then I went through this whole phrase of changing the color and the style constantly, at least when I was home. I generally kept it long and bunned in space. But for the longest time I hated the red. I felt like it was a fire attracting men. And that's...that's kind of why I had to cut it after Ezran. It was my hair that had attracted him. He told me as much. Told me it was like a fire."

"I'm sorry, Kathryn. I'm sorry I didn't read the signs over the years. If I'd read them, if I'd confronted you about them, then maybe we could have dealt with all this years ago. But I didn't read them. Or, if the thought crossed my mind, I shelved it in favor of more palatable reasons. I let you down and I'm sorry."

"You've never let me down, Chakotay. All those years you were my rock and my anchor, and I couldn't have got through them without you. And how could you possibly have guessed any of what's in my head? I went out of my way to make sure you didn't. No one knows. No one except Holly and Jackie. Not even Mom and Phoebe. I made the mistake of telling Daniel Stevens that I'd been assaulted, because we were getting close and I thought he should know, but at the mere mention of the word he bolted so I didn't give him details."

Chakotay squeezed her hand. "I could say I'm sorry, but I'd be lying. I'm glad, for my sake, that he didn't want the privilege of having you at his side."

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes. "But a lot of what he said was true, Chakotay. Sex is a huge part of a relationship and it isn't fair for me to expect a man to deal with my problems."

"If he said that then I am sorry...for him. Because a relationship is about sharing problems, Kathryn. It's about being there through the bad times as well as the good, about loving someone when they can't love themselves, and about being strong when they're weak. It's everything that a friendship should be and more. If Daniel is only around for the good times, for what he can get, then he's neither a good friend or a good lover. And if sex for him is just about the physical then he'll never know how truly wonderful it can be. For good sex isn't just about the physical. It's about connecting with our partner on an emotional level too. About melding our hearts and our minds as well as our bodies. And that's where the block lies for you. Because of what happened, you've separated the physical from the emotional to protect your heart and your mind. Now it's hard for you to reconnect them. But it can be done. It just takes time, trust, and love."

"I don't know, Chakotay. It seems impossible. I don't...I don't even know where to start."

"By loving me, Kathryn. And by letting me love you."

"But I'm never going to be like Seska. I'm never going to be as sultry. And I can't...I can't even think about your needs because I'm so caught up with my own. And that's...it's selfish and unfair to you."

"I'm not the one who was raped, Kathryn. In this, your needs very much come first. So please, don't think about mine for a second, because my needs are your needs. As to Seska, I never want you to be like her. She was cold and heartless and everything between us was a lie."

"But she must have been good, Chakotay. The other women you've slept with too. Especially Riley. How can I compare?"

"You can't, Kathryn, because no one I've ever met compares to you. Yes, I've had good sex, but I haven't had the best. That will be with you."

At these words, a tear ran down Kathryn's cheek and Chakotay tenderly wiped it away.

"So don't torture yourself anymore," he said. "Because there really is no need. I love you and I want only you. Just you for the rest of my life. Understand?"

Kathryn could only nod.

"And our time starts now. Tomorrow, I'll head back to Earth so I can resign my commission."

"No," Kathryn protested. "If you do that, you won't make it to admiral. You know the deal, at least a year in the big chair."

"All that matters to me is being with you. I can't leave, Kathryn. Not now, not knowing what I do. I certainly can't leave at noon tomorrow, which is the latest I can leave if I'm to make it to my ship on time."

"And I don't want you to leave. But the sacrifice will be worth it in the end."

"We've made too many sacrifices already. My place is here, with you, and I'll be damned if I let Starfleet come between us again. We're not in the delta quadrant anymore. We don't have to sacrifice the personal for the professional. Another captain can take my place."

"But if you pull out now you'll be letting a lot of people down, people who have put themselves on the line for you. For despite what Pentroth's told you, not everyone wants you in the admiralty. Some don't even want you in Starfleet. Don't let down those who believe in you. Do this mission." Gently, she put her hand to his cheek. "Do it for me. Because I want you to be an admiral, Chakotay. I want you to have the opportunities it will present. For those, for a lifetime of work fulfilment, five months is nothing. And remember, I've got commitments too. So many that even if you stayed, I wouldn't have much time for us. And if we're going to...you know...we need time. But when your mission is over, I'll be finished here, and then we can take a break from work altogether and concentrate on us. I think it's for the best, Chakotay, even if...even if it's hard."

For a long moment Chakotay said nothing, and Kathryn could see a battle take place in his eyes, but at last he spoke.

"Ok," he said, "we'll honor our commitments. But this is the last time that duty comes between us. When I get back, it's us first."

Kathryn nodded. "All the way. But only if you're sure, Chakotay. I mean, about us. Because there's still that bridge to cross. With you holding my hand, I think I can do it, but I need to know you'll never let go, that you'll be with me every step of the way."

Chakotay took her hands in his. "Every single step, Kathryn. And we'll take our time. Because it won't be a bridge over hell. It will be a bridge into heaven. And we'll stop and savor the wonders along the way."

As she gazed into his eyes, his kind and loving eyes, Kathryn could not doubt it.

Warmth. Safety. Love.

With Chakotay, that's all she would feel. No fear, no pain, no horror. Just warm, safe, and loved.

"Then," she smiled through tears, "I suggest we get started."

Kathryn's smile, so beautiful and dazzling, made Chakotay's heart skip a beat and he smiled back, dimples showing. "With another coffee?"

"No," Kathryn laughed. "With a kiss."

Chakotay laughed too and then slowly, gently, their lips met in a tender kiss.

END OF CHAPTER THIRTY


	31. Chapter 31

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER THIRTY ONE**

The following morning, alone in his room on the starbase, Chakotay looked out at the distant Federation colony that was Kathryn's current home. It looked a lot like Earth, except that it had less ocean, and like Earth it had a busy stream of spaceship traffic. In a few hours time, his shuttle would be amongst them, beginning its long journey to Starbase FX-10, and Chakotay still had grave doubts about leaving. His place was with Kathryn, he felt that with every fiber of his being, and the last thing he wanted was to leave at such a pivotal moment in their relationship. There was so much they needed to deal with, so much they still needed to talk about, and they couldn't do that if he was light years away on a starship. He wanted with his whole heart to resign his commission, to volunteer for a post in this sector so he could be with Kathryn, but in his head he knew that Kathryn was right. If he resigned, he would be letting a lot of people down, and with her present workload, even if he stayed they wouldn't see much of each other.

Duty.

Always it had come between them. And, as he looked out into space, a part of him feared that it always would. As much as Kathryn said she loved him, as much as she said she wanted them to have a life together, a part of him feared she would always find some excuse to say the time wasn't right. It never had been and it wasn't now. But if he was going to do this, if he was going to leave, then he had to believe that things would be different when he got back. That then the time really would be right.

Suddenly, the door chime played. Believing it was room service, Chakotay turned from the window and called out.

"Come in!"

Instantly, the room's silver door slid open and, to his surprise, he saw Kathryn in the doorway. She was wearing a pretty blue sundress that had only straps for sleeves and her hair was swept up in a bun. Resting on her left arm was a white basket, and covering the basket was a silver cloth.

"Hi," she smiled. "I know we said we'd breakfast at nine, but aside from the fact that I couldn't wait another hour to see you, it's such a cool morning that I thought we could picnic by the lake. I know this delightful spot that is totally secluded and I'd love for you to see it before you leave."

At the sight of the woman he loved, looking as beautiful as she always did in his eyes, Chakotay's heavy heart instantly felt lighter.

"Then that makes two of us," he said. "And would I be right in guessing our breakfast is in that basket?"

"Yes," she replied, putting it down on a table as she entered the room. "I've replicated us some fruit, pancakes, boiled eggs, cereal, yogurt, juice and coffee. They should fill us up."

"Most definitely."

"There's also plenty of space left in the basket if you fancy something else."

"Nothing," he smiled, "except a hug."

Kathryn smiled back and then stepped into his arms. As she did, Chakotay wrapped them around her and she lay her head on his shoulder. For a long time neither spoke, they just cherished the closeness, but finally Kathryn broke away and broke the silence.

"Did you sleep well? "

In truth, Chakotay hadn't. Even though he had spent an hour in the holo-zone boxing away his anger at the man who had devastated Kathryn's life, that vigorous venting hadn't helped him sleep. For hours he had lain awake, twisting and turning restlessly, thinking both of what Kathryn had been through and the long separation ahead. Eventually, bodily fatigue had taken over and he'd fallen asleep, but even his dreams had been troubled.

"Ok," he answered. "I slept ok. You?"

"Better than I have in a long time. But when I woke up, I was so afraid I'd only dreamt you were here that I had to ask the computer to verify you'd actually visited. And even that wasn't enough as I feared then that I was only dreaming I was awake."

At this, Chakotay could only laugh.

"But I am awake," she continued, "and you really are here."

"Yes," he said. "And here's where..."

Kathryn silenced him with a finger on the lips. "We know what we have to do. Let's not make it harder."

Chakotay took her hand in his. "Just promise me you won't change your mind, Kathryn. That when I'm gone, you won't let your doubts and your fears get the better of us."

Kathryn squeezed his hand. "I won't, I promise. Neal has taken so much of our past. I won't let him take our future. This is a new start, a new beginning, and I'm very much looking forward to it."

Chakotay kissed her hand. "Me too."

"I'm also looking forward to our picnic. So, Mr Chakotay, get yourself dressed so we can get going."

Chakotay smiled, dimples showing. "Yes, Ma'am."

* * *

><p>Beside a glorious lake that shimmered gold in the morning sun, Kathryn and Chakotay sat on a grassy bank enjoying their breakfast. It was spread over a blue blanket, the food on pretty paper plates, and after eating a third pancake, Kathryn poured herself a cup of steaming coffee from a silver flask.<p>

"You can't do without that stuff for a single hour, can you?" Chakotay teased.

"No," Kathryn laughed. "But in the words of Mr Neelix, I must take credit where credit's due. I've stuck to the new me and haven't had a cup of caffeinated for over a year. The anniversary was last week, in fact."

"Then belated congratulations. I'm impressed."

"Thank you. I am with myself. But still, to this day, I don't know how Admiral Janeway Senior gave it up."

"Maybe we lost replicators in her future and couldn't grow the beans," Chakotay joked.

"Maybe," Kathryn laughed. "It would certainly take something like that. But oh, the thought doesn't even bear thinking about. No coffee, I'd have gone nuts!"

Chakotay laughed.

"Speaking of which," she continued, "I've replicated you a bag of those native ones we never got around to eating last night. I know you'll love them." She reached into the basket, rummaged amongst containers, and then pulled out a small bag of golden nuts. "Here they are. Want to try one?"

"Sure," Chakotay said. "Thank you."

Kathryn opened the bag, held it out to him, and watched as he ate one.

"Very nice," he said. "But didn't you say they're supposed to taste like almonds and pecans?"

"Yes," Kathryn replied. "Why, don't they?"

"If pecans and almonds taste like soap."

Kathryn looked into the bag and sniffed it. "Really? They taste like soap?" She then pulled out a nut and tried it. When it tasted exactly as it should, she laughed and slapped his arm. "Oh, you."

"I'm sorry," he chuckled. "I couldn't resist."

Kathryn was just about to speak when a magnificent swarm of glowing amber flies flew over the lake before them. They had sparkling silver wings and hummed as they soared over the glittering water.

"Oh, they're here," Kathryn said in delight. "I hoped they would be. Aren't they amazing?"

"They sure are," Chakotay agreed. "What are they?"

"Aurora flies. They rise at dawn and fly over the lake until noon. I've never seen flies like them. Anyone would be forgiven for thinking they're fairies. In fact, that's what local children call them."

The flies swirled before them, dancing in the air, and then flew into the distance.

"We have some unique flies on Trebus," Chakotay said, "but none as impressive. The biggest is the blue fly and it's hardly pretty. My sisters were terrified of them as they look like crane flies."

"Urgh. I hate crane flies. Whenever we went camping in Ireland they'd invade our tent and make Phoebe scream. Drove me crazy. But the bug I hate most is the true daddy long legs, the harvestman. Oh, they give me the jeebies."

"I'd have thought the bug whose bite stranded us on New Earth would be top of your list," Chakotay teased.

"Oh no," Kathryn smiled. "To that bug, I will always be grateful."

Chakotay smiled back and, as they gazed into each others eyes, they both remembered that special time.

"You know," Kathryn then said, "I always regretted that we never got to take that ride on the river. When you get back, how about we go sailing in style? We could take a world cruise and visit all those places we always said we would when we got home."

"I think that's a wonderful idea."

"Then we'll do it. I'll book us a cabin on _The Adamantine_, the most glorious cruise liner ever, and we can join it wherever it happens to be in October. That'll give us a few weeks leave way incase you're late home. It'll also give us time to visit Trebus as I'd so love to see your home planet."

"And I'd love to take you there, but it'll be winter in the northern hemisphere in September and that invariably means snow."

"Oh, never let it be said snow bothers an Indiana girl. We'll be fine."

Chakotay's eyes twinkled. "I might just hold you to that." He then fell serious. "But I doubt we can do Trebus and a world cruise in less than four months. Could you survive without work for that long?"

"It'll be a first, for sure, but I'm confident I can. We've earned the vacation time and I can think of nothing nicer than lazing in the lap of luxury with you. Just imagine it, Chakotay. We can go swimming in the Gulf of Mexico as you've always dreamed, watch the sun rise over some desert, take a safari in Africa, go trekking in Australia, and sightseeing everywhere."

"Doesn't sound much like lazing," he teased.

"No," she laughed. "I guess it doesn't."

"But it does sound wonderful. I can't wait."

"Me either. It truly will be a dream come true." She then reached for his hand. "But what I'm most looking forward to is Trebus. I want to see all the places you roamed as a boy and all the places that are special to you."

Chakotay squeezed her hand. "Ditto."

Kathryn smiled. "Then I'll add a tour of Bloomington to our itinerary."

"If you like," Chakotay said, "I can show you some pictures of Trebus now. A few days ago, when I was at my lodge, I found my camera in the cave. It was inside my cupboard, which is still perfectly intact, and is still working. Every picture I've ever taken is stored in the memory."

"Really? Oh, Chakotay, that's wonderful."

"It truly is. Almost everything I ever owned went up with the lodge and I've always regretted that I have no pictures or keepsakes of my family. In that way, though it might sound crazy, I feel like it's a gift from my family. A gift and, finally, my father's blessing."

"Well," Kathryn said, "who's to say it isn't? There's more to the workings of the universe than our small minds will ever comprehend."

"Yes. My mother always used to say that the dead watch over us and I'd like to think it's true."

"Me too. I can't say I've always believed in life after death, for most of my life I didn't believe in anything, but over the last few years so much has happened that now I'm inclined to think there is something after we die and there is a god." She paused. "Your faith has always inspired me, Chakotay. Even though you've suffered so much heartache, more than most people can ever imagine, you've never lost faith in your god. That's...it's incredibly humbling."

"I did, Kathryn," he said, taking the camera out of his jacket pocket, "I did lose faith. When I was told of my family's fate, when my cousin told me they were all dead and how, the grief was so raw that I renounced my faith. I couldn't believe any god could let such a thing happen. But, as time went on, I began to realize that I did still believe in God. I was just angry at him. Angry that he hadn't saved my family. Realizing that, accepting that, helped me to channel my anger to where it should lie, and that was with the Cardassians. They're the ones who killed my family. We, my people, have always believed that it's rare for the Great Spirit to intervene in worldly affairs. Good people suffer at the hands of the wicked and that's just the human condition. But the lack of divine intervention doesn't mean that God doesn't care, or is apathetic to our suffering. We believe that the Great Spirit is the source of all things, the beginning and the end of time, and there is nothing in existence that he doesn't know or doesn't feel. That means when we hurt, he feels our pain, feels it like he's connected to us by a neural transceiver, and that he feels the suffering of every person who has ever lived. I can't imagine that. I can't imagine feeling all that suffering, and having the power to stop it, but knowing that if you do you take away free will and effectively make people drones." He paused. "In that way, knowing that the Great Spirit felt my pain, and suffered with my family when they died, helped me to let go of my anger and to take comfort in the divine again."

"I'm not sure I know what to say to that," Kathryn said. "I don't know what I can say. The way you think about things truly does open my mind to possibilities that I'd never consider. Maybe because I was raised an atheist, or maybe because my scientific mind sees things a certain way."

"You do the same for me," he said. "I'm a better person for knowing you."

Kathryn smiled, eyes moist, and then slowly, reverently, their lips drew together in a tender kiss. When they drew away, Chakotay gently unclipped her bun, and they both laughed as her wild hair fizzed out.

"If I want to live for another year," Chakotay teased, "remind me to never give B'Elanna your shampoo."

"Yes," Kathryn laughed. "If it does this to mine, who knows what it would do to a half-Klingon's."

The bright morning sun danced over her hair, making it sparkle, and Chakotay could only gaze at her. She gazed too, gazed at his rugged manly beauty in the sunlight, and then found herself kissing him again. They kissed tenderly, kissed long, and then snuggled up together to look at the photos. One by one, Chakotay showed her pictures of his family and his village, and while it gave Kathryn great joy to see them, they brought his loss painfully to life and reduced her to tears.

"I'm sorry," she said, wiping away a tear as they looked at another shot of his family, "I just...seeing these pictures really makes your loss hit home."

"I understand," he replied. "I felt the same when I saw a picture of you and Justin on your cabinet last night." He lowered the camera and switched it off. "We'll look at them another time."

"No," Kathryn protested, "please. I'd like to see more."

Chakotay obliged, and showed her some photos of places that were dear to him. Amongst them was a river, a waterfall, and a stone building that had been his school.

"We only really had classes there in winter," he said, "or when it was raining. In warm weather we'd have our lessons outside, sometimes in the forest or by the river. We'd take a packed lunch with us and spend the day learning about nature amongst nature. That was very important to my people. We even had lessons at night sometimes so we could learn about the stars."

"Sounds wonderful. We hardly ever got let out the school building. Even most sports were indoors. A field trip for us was a visit to the holoroom."

"Well," he smiled, "at least you didn't get sunburn and bug bites."

"Yes," she laughed. "There is that."

Chakotay then moved on to the next picture, which was of a pretty blonde woman sitting on a rock beside the river. Her long hair was loose, falling in curly streams over her shoulders, and sitting on her lap was Chakotay's youngest sister.

"Who's this?" Kathryn asked. "The woman, I mean."

"Vanessa," he answered.

Vanessa. His once girlfriend. They had dated for five years but split up when their mutual work commitments meant they never saw each other. More than this Kathryn didn't know, as Chakotay rarely spoke about his past loves and she rarely asked. But, as she looked at the smiling face of this attractive woman, she couldn't help but be curious. Curious and a little jealous. Not only had she been Chakotay's lover for so long, but she'd met his family and had no doubt stayed many times at his lodge.

"She was very pretty," she said.

"Yes," he replied.

"Did she visit your family often?"

"No. This was the first and only time. We both had heavy work commitments and were rarely on leave at the same time. The little time that we did have together we generally spent on Earth."

"At your lodge?"

"No. It was a work in progress for most of our relationship and was too rustic for her taste."

"Really?" Kathryn said, looking up at him. "Too rustic?"

"Yes," he answered. "But why does that amuse you?"

"Because it just does," she smiled.

At this, Chakotay smiled too, dimples showing. "Kathryn Janeway, I do believe you're jealous."

"Me? Jealous? Never."

"You are. Confess it."

"Ok," she conceded. "Just a little bit. But if she didn't like your lodge then I'm not jealous at all. She was clearly insane."

"Well, believe it or not," he laughed, "a log-home in the middle of no where isn't everyone's idea of heaven."

Kathryn put her hand on his and looked deep into his eyes. "Then it's a good thing it's ours."

Chakotay returned her gaze and then took her hand in his. "That night of Voyager's grand opening, I asked you a question that you never got the chance to answer. I'd like to ask it again. If I rebuild my lodge, will you dance for me on the beach?"

Kathryn nodded. "With all my heart."

Chakotay smiled, his eyes moist, and then gathered her in his arms. Kathryn leant into him and they held each other tight.

"But don't you dare change anything," she said. "Not a single thing. Because everything about your lodge was perfect."

"Everything?" Chakotay teased as he drew away. "Even the lack of balconies on the bedrooms?"

Kathryn laughed softly. She knew he knew how much she loved balconies. "Well, maybe we can make some modifications. But not too many, ok? It really was perfect. My dream home. In fact, I'd like us to live there if..." She stopped suddenly and bit her lip. "But let's not get ahead of ourselves. We've still got that bridge to cross. I just...when I'm with you, here like this, my problems seem far away. Like they belong to another me in another life. I felt that way with Justin, like together we could face anything, but still my problems got in the way. So let's just take things as they come."

Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "I want you to think about the long term, Kathryn. Because I meant everything I said last night. I'm absolutely committed to us."

"Me too. But I can't look too far into the future, Chakotay. Every time I've tried to build a life, something's happened and...and that life has gone. I can only live for now. That way, if things don't work out the hurt is less. Because it's expectation that hurts, Chakotay, the hoping for something that never comes. If we don't expect too much, don't hope for too much, then we're not disappointed." She paused. "You've always said that yourself, that we should live in the present and not in the future."

"Yes, but there's a difference between sacrificing the present for an uncertain future and having no hopes or dreams for the future. Every one needs those. They're what shape our ambitions and goals. And ambitions can be realized, Kathryn. We proved that by getting Voyager home."

"I know. I just... I suppose it comes down to control again. Because if we set our mind on achieving something, then with hard work and dedication we can achieve it. That's how we survived in the delta quadrant and that's how we got home. No one helped us, no one gave us a ride, we got home because we worked hard to survive and, in some future, I traveled back in time to get us home. If I hadn't then we'd still be out there. But when we depend on someone else, either to do something for us or for our wellbeing and happiness, we're totally at their mercy. We can't control how they will respond and there's nothing we can do to secure an outcome. That vulnerability is hard for me."

"I think it is for most of us, Kathryn. That's why it's important to build up trust. As to the future, none of us know what it will bring. All we can do is make the most of the present and hope the future will be kind. But if it isn't, all we can hope is that we'll have the strength and the courage to face it."

"You're right, I know, I just...my fears and feelings live in a place I can't reach. It's hard to explain. But I am committed to us. I just...I just can't let myself hope for too much. I need to keep my hopes reigned and take things as they come."

"I understand, Kathryn. And please, don't feel any pressure. We'll move at your pace and yours alone."

"Thank you. And thank you for your understanding. Not just on this but on everything."

"If I can't be understanding then I don't deserve you. But it's important that you keep sharing your feelings with me because we can't expect understanding if we don't share our pain."

"I know. Jackie's said pretty much the same thing. But it's hard, Chakotay. Not everyone listens and most people don't want to. These kind of problems are so far beyond the realm of their experience that they just can't comprehend them. And I thank what ever god is out there for that because I wouldn't wish what I've been through on anyone." A tear ran down her cheek. "I just wish I hadn't been a virgin, you know? Then I would have had a before, something to compare the experience too, but there wasn't a before, for me there was just an after. And this is the after." She paused painfully. "If only that public lecture had been a year earlier. Then I'd have met you before Neal and you'd have been my first time. And, with you, I know it would have been everything I'd hoped for. Because I had such romantic ideals, Chakotay. I wanted candles, flowers, the works. And, in that way, a part of me felt as though I deserved the rape. Deserved it for my naïvety."

"Please don't ever think that, Kathryn. You were a victim and in no way deserved it. What happened was a crime. And there's nothing wrong with having ideals. I wish more people did. Then the world would be a better place."

"I think I do accept it now...that I wasn't in any way to blame. Jackie's drummed it into my head over and over."

"I'm glad. And I'm glad you've been talking to her."

"Me too. It was hard at first, opening up, but it's really helped talking to someone who understands and doesn't judge. I've learnt so much about myself and have exorcized so many ghosts that have haunted me." She paused. "Jackie wasn't very happy about me coming out here, as she says we still have a way to go, but I needed a break. She said it was running away, and maybe it was, but at least I had somewhere to run to. I think she was afraid I'd never go back to her, you know? That I was going to take a backward step instead of a forward one. The very first time I saw her she said that I have two choices. I can either spend the rest of my life alone, never facing up to my problems, or I can face up to my problems and share my life with someone special should I meet him. I think she thought I'd chosen the former and, truth be told, I had. I'd reached a point where I didn't think anything was going to change, no matter how much I talked or tried to heal. Without someone to share the journey with it felt so pointless."

"It's never pointless, Kathryn. Never pointless to face up to our demons. Because, ultimately, we have to do so for ourselves."

"So every one keeps saying, but it's hard, Chakotay. It's hard to do something for yourself when you don't really care about yourself. And it's hard to keep trying when every time you fail. All you want is to admit defeat, to accept that you're never going to win, that you're always going to be alone. Because there's a kind of peace in that. A kind of peace in letting go." Tears filled her eyes. "And that's why I need you to be sure, Chakotay. Sure that you can handle things. Because I can't fail again, I just can't."

"I'm sure, Kathryn. And you won't fail. We won't fail. I promise." He brushed his fingers against her cheek. "But I'm really not happy about leaving. Any captain can do my mission, but if I leave we can never have this time back."

"I know. But we don't have a choice, Chakotay. We have to honor our commitments. So let's just make the most of the time we have."

"It isn't enough."

"No. But at least we have our vacation to look forward to. That will make the separation bearable." She took his hand in hers and squeezed it. "And this really will be our last one, Chakotay. Afterwards, it really will be us first."

When Chakotay saw the sincerity of that in her eyes, he smiled. "I believe it."

Kathryn put her hand to his cheek and then drew away. "Come on. Let's pack away this stuff and take a walk. There's an ancient monument around the bend that you must see."

"An ancient monument?" Chakotay teased. "You're not trying to keep this astro-archaeologist here beyond schedule, are you?"

"Of course not," Kathryn smiled. "I'd never be as sneaky."

Chakotay smiled back and then they began to pack away the picnic.

* * *

><p>After they'd spent some time at the monument, which was just as impressive as Kathryn had led Chakotay to believe, they beamed back to her house. In the skylight they had a coffee together, and then it was time for Chakotay to leave. Now the moment had come, the moment to say yet another goodbye, they both struggled for the strength. As she watched Chakotay gaze absently into his empty cup, his face tortured, Kathryn wished she could tell him what he wanted to hear, that he didn't have to go, but he did have to go so she couldn't say it. All she could do was make the parting more bearable by giving him a gift, a gift she had wanted to give him for a long time.<p>

"Possessions have never really mattered to me," she said, drinking the last of her coffee, "as I'm not in anyway materialistic, but there are a few things I own that are very dear to me. Amongst them are the pots we made at your lodge, the chronometer you gave me on Voyager, and the bear-claw bracelet you gave me at your last departure. They've all been a great comfort to me in times of despair, and there's something I'd like to give you that I hope will be a comfort to you too." With that, she got to her feet, went over to a silver box that rested on the cabinet, and opened the lid. "It's something I've wanted to give you for a long time but the moment was never right." Out of the box came a smaller black velvet box, and then Kathryn closed the lid. "But the time is right now so I give you this as a parting gift and as a token of my love."

As she returned to the couch, Chakotay got to his feet to receive the box.

"It belonged to my father," Kathryn said as he opened it, "and I had it engraved with a message for you."

Inside the box was the mechanical watch Kathryn had intended to give him at Voyager's homecoming, and it was lying face up. Carefully, Chakotay lifted it out of the box and turned it over. Written on the back, still in their flourish, were the words _Time To Say I Love You._

At the sight of them, tears welled in Chakotay's eyes and he tenderly ran a finger over them.

"Every time you look at this," Kathryn went on, "you'll know that you're not alone, that I'm with you in spirit, and that in time we'll be together again."

Chakotay looked up at her and a tear ran down his cheek. "Thank you. This means...thank you."

Kathryn smiled through her own tears and then hugged him. As she did, Chakotay held her in return and they clung close.

"Just come back to me, Chakotay," Kathryn whispered. "I know your mission is as safe as missions can be, but come back to me."

"I will," he said, kissing her hair. "I promise."

For a long time they held each other, neither wanting to let go, but in the end Kathryn drew away.

"Now, you'd better go before going gets any harder."

Chakotay nodded. "I'll stay in touch as long as possible."

"You'd better."

His wet eyes then held hers. "I love you."

"I love you too."

They hugged again, unable to do anything else, and then, before his courage failed him, Chakotay requested a beam out. In seconds the blue transporter beam engulfed him, and Kathryn watched through a mist of tears as he dematerialized.

END OF CHAPTER THIRTY ONE


	32. Chapter 32

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER 32**

THREE MONTHS LATER

In his quarters aboard _The Astris_, quarters that were stylish and spacious, Chakotay replicated himself a coffee. Still in uniform, as his shift on the bridge had just ended, he took off his jacket and then sat before a window that looked out into space. These days, he drank coffee often as it reminded him of Kathryn. He missed her, now more than ever, and he worried about her. But he took comfort in the fact that his mission was nearing its end. In two week's time he and his crew would be done studying the ancient remains on the uninhabited planet they were in orbit of, and would be setting a course for home.

Home.

It would only take them seven weeks to reach Earth, but he knew that short trip would feel a million times longer than Voyager's seven year odyssey. Without Kathryn, every day felt like a month, and every month felt like a year.

Suddenly, a white light flashed in the corner of his eye and Chakotay instinctively turned towards it. As he did, an elderly human woman in a gray uniform, not unlike Starfleet's, materialized before him.

"Greetings, Captain," she said.

Chakotay put down his drink and shot to his feet. "Who are you? And what are you doing on my ship?"

"I'm Commander Rachel Smith," the woman told him, "of the Federation time-ship Quantum. I'm from the year 3150 and am here in a professional capacity. I don't know how much, or how little, you know of the time-police, but we occasionally have to interfere with history to preserve history. This is one of those occasions."

"I see," Chakotay replied. "I'm aware of the existence of the time-police, and of the paradox that your actions shape the very timeline you are trying to protect, but I'd like some proof you are a time-officer. For all I know, you could be species 8472 in disguise."

"I'm afraid I cannot give you proof. You will have to trust me."

At this, Chakotay took out his tricorder and scanned the woman. "A human female, unarmed, surrounded by chronoton particles. So far your story's holding up. But if you are who you say you are, tell me why you're here."

"To save Kathryn Janeway."

Chakotay flinched. "Save her? Is she in trouble?"

"She was. In 2368. I won't tell you more than you need to know, but if we do nothing then she will die that January and all of history will be changed. We cannot let that happen. The timeline must be preserved."

"How will she die?"

"You will learn that in time. For now, all you need to know is that she will die unless you save her."

Chakotay put away his tricorder. "What must I do?"

"Pay a visit to 2368 and make sure Janeway stays alive passed dawn. How, we'll leave up to you."

"But if Kathryn and I meet, if we have some kind of encounter, then this timeline may change. She's never mentioned anything about meeting me in 2368."

"She may not remember. We wish to send you to a nightclub in California. Janeway, by all accounts, will be intoxicated. But, whether she remembers you or not, whatever happens between you is a part of this timeline and must occur. If need be, we will transport you to the past without your consent, but we would much rather have it."

"Then I give it. But who or what am I to save her from?"

"That we will leave to your judgment. Now, we will give you fifteen minutes to change into appropriate attire and then we'll transport you to the past. You will be there for several hours, but there is no need to inform your crew as we will sync outbound and inbound transport so you never actually leave this ship. In fact, we insist that you don't tell them."

"You can count on my co-operation. There's nothing more important to me than keeping Kathryn safe. Even if there's a high possibility you're not who you say you are, and you're just playing on my greatest weakness, I won't oppose you if there's the smallest chance you're telling the truth."

"I am telling the truth and time will confirm that. But I respect and admire your caution. I would expect nothing else from a seasoned officer. Now, I wish you all the best and a successful first attempt."

Chakotay questioned. "First attempt?"

"It is sometimes necessary to make a second or a third due to failure."

"I see. Perhaps if you..."

"Give you more information you'll be more likely to succeed?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry, it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes, less is more. If you don't succeed, you'll be seeing me again. If you do, we won't meet again. As I'm hoping for that outcome, I will say goodbye and that it has been a privilege to meet you."

The woman then smiled, a smile that seemed genuine, and then tapped her commbadge. In seconds, she was gone.

* * *

><p>Fifteen minutes later, Chakotay was ready for the promised transport. He'd changed into a black suit, complete with a black shirt, and temporarily removed his tattoo. The less conspicuous he looked the better. Incase he needed it, he'd armed himself with a phaser, and knowing he would need it, he'd clipped his tricorder to his waist. He'd also strapped a digital watch to his wrist so he could keep track of the time. The watch Kathryn had given him was not only too precious to wear, but it could easily be recognized by her should they interact. It was not certain that they needed to for him to save her. A drunk woman could die simply by falling down stairs. All he had to do was keep an eye on her and keep her out of danger. He could not guess how she was to die and it would be wrong for him to try. Then he could overlook a real danger for an imagined. That was if Kathryn really was in danger. The stranger claiming to be a time-officer could be anyone or anything. If the transport came, and he was transported, he could find himself anywhere. He had to be prepared for all eventualities.<p>

The transport did come, however, and at the promised time. Hot white light engulfed him and then...

And then he was somewhere else.

Somewhere noisy and busy. Music was playing, lights were flashing, and all around him people were drinking, dancing, and talking.

A nightclub.

So far, so good.

Quickly, Chakotay pulled out his tricorder, wanting to know if this was indeed 2368, and a scan of the club confirmed that it was. Moreover, the scan told him that the club was in San Francisco and the local time was 00:47. He changed the time on his watch to match and then, again using the tricorder, he searched for Kathryn's lifesign. The reliable device found it and told him she was at the bar. Turning in the direction of her lifesign, and looking up, Chakotay saw that the bar was on the next level overlooking the dancefloor. It was accessed by spiralling silver stairs and had a number of tables before it. Led by his tricorder, Chakotay made his way up the stairs and walked to where Kathryn's lifesign was detected. As he did, the woman he was tracking came into view, and he saw that she was sitting at the bar with an average looking man who had graying black hair. However, the woman looked nothing like Kathryn. Her hair was a raised mass of blonde curls and she was wearing a shimmering gold dress that showed ample cleavage. But as he got closer and heard her speak, there was no mistaking the voice. The woman was Kathryn.

For a long time, all Chakotay could do was look at her, look at her with a million emotions. Only once had he seen this Kathryn before, the hurting Kathryn who had thrown herself at men, but now he was seeing her in all her glory. Before him, she flirted with the man, touching him and kissing him, and was clearly drunk. There was something familiar about the man, something about his face that made Chakotay think he'd seen him before, but where he couldn't remember. But whoever the guy was he was flirting back and had his hands all over her.

Suddenly aware that he was staring, Chakotay engaged his senses and moved to the bar. From there he could keep an eye on Kathryn without approaching her. She was safe, for the moment, and didn't appear to be in any immediate danger. At the bar, he asked for a beer, just so he'd blend in, and then he pretended to be reading one of several padds lying about. But his eyes and ears were on Kathryn and he was ready to leave the bar the moment she did.

But Kathryn didn't leave the bar. Quite the contrary, she stayed there downing the drinks. What they were, Chakotay didn't know, but he was beginning to fear that her supposed death was due to alcohol poisoning. In fact, he was so worried that he'd decided to intervene if she ordered another. But Kathryn didn't order another. Instead, she and her pick-up finally made a move. The guy, no where near as drunk, got to his feet and then helped Kathryn to hers. She was very unsteady, swaying everywhere, and then her legs buckled underneath her and she fell against the bar. Laughing, she picked herself up, and then clumsily swung her bag over her shoulder. It was clear that she was going to leave with the man and Chakotay couldn't let that happen. If he did, there was no way he could keep her safe. So, as Kathryn downed what was left of her drink, Chakotay approached the guy and pulled him aside.

"Sir, a word," he said gruffly.

The tall man, who had hazel eyes, turned to him. "What's your problem?"

"You," Chakotay replied. "I want the lady and you're in my way."

"Tough luck, she's mine."

Chakotay seized him by the collar. "Listen, fella, I mean business. If you don't walk away right now, I'll knock you into the middle of next week."

At this unexpected assault, the man's eyes widened in alarm and he swallowed. "Ok, Sir. You can have her, Sir."

"I'm glad we're agreed. Now, get out of my sight!"

The man quickly picked up his jacket and spoke to Kathryn as he did. "I'm out of here, lady. Have a nice life."

Kathryn span to face him. "Out of here? Oh no...wait!"

But he was gone.

Sighing, Kathryn collapsed back onto her stool and called to the bartender. "Sir, another cocktail."

"I think you've had enough, ma'am," the young man said.

"I'll be the judge of that. Another."

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but it's against regulation to serve those who've had too many. In fact, I suggest you go home. Let me request you a beam out."

"Home?" Kathryn retorted. "Home? I'm not going home. I'm looking to get lucky."

"Ma'am," he replied, "I really don't think that..."

Chakotay interrupted. "It's ok, Sir. I'll take care of her."

The bartender looked at him uncomfortably, clearly unsure what his agenda was, but when Kathryn made no protest, he finally nodded.

"Ok, Sir."

Then he moved onto the next customer and Kathryn turned to Chakotay. "I guess you're looking for a lay too, huh?"

"Not exactly," he answered.

"Then you're wasting my time. So get the..." A light suddenly filled her hazy eyes. "Chakotay?"

Knowing her vision had to be poor, Chakotay took a gamble and lied. "I'm sorry, you're mistaking me for someone else."

"Oh," she said, visibly disappointed. "Well, I guess I am kind of drunk. But you know what they say, when you're drunk get drunker." She reached for an abandoned glass of whisky and picked it up. "Waste not, want not."

With a trembling hand, she raised the glass to her lips, but Chakotay took it from her. "You heard what the bartender said. You've had enough."

"Oh, what the hell does he know? But are you sure you're not looking for a lay? Coz I'm good to go, baby."

Chakotay hesitated. If he turned her down again, she would only look elsewhere. It was better to play along. Only that way could he keep her safe.

"In that case," he said, "I might be persuaded."

Kathryn laughed. "You're persuaded. So, your place or your place?"

Again Chakotay hesitated. His place in 2368 was, of course, his lodge. At this very moment it was empty, as his counterpart in this timeframe was in space, but if he took her there, she could recognize it. He somehow doubted it, as she was getting more disorientated by the second, but it was a possibility. However, there were presently few options available to him. Kathryn had to be taken somewhere, as it was only a matter of time before she passed out, and he would rather that somewhere be a place he knew. No where did he know better than his lodge. Besides, if he messed up, if he made a wrong choice, he would have a chance to startover on attempt two.

"I guess my place," he said, finally making a decision.

Kathryn smiled. "Then, baby, let's go." She called to the bartender. "Sir! You can request that transport now." Then she turned back to Chakotay. "Baby, give him the co-ordinates."

Chakotay gave the co-ordinates and then Kathryn staggered to her feet. She was almost legless now and had to lean into him to stand. Protectively, Chakotay put an arm around her and held her close. Then the transport came, blue and bright as always, and then...

And then they were in the lounge of his lodge.

His dark and cold lodge. Dark except for the silver moonlight seeping in through the many windows.

But it was not meant to be dark and cold. Lights were supposed to come on automatically as was the underfloor heating. But then he remembered. There was a problem with the generator so he had shut if off before leaving for deep space. His cousin was supposed to get someone to fix it, but knowing his cousin he'd probably forgotten.

Stirring sluggishly against him, Kathryn spoke. "Where are we? Why is it dark?"

"My generator is down," Chakotay told her. "But don't worry. I have emergency lighting." He then addressed the computer. "Computer, switch on emergency lights."

But nothing happened.

"Seems you don't," Kathryn said.

"No," he agreed. "But I definitely have candles." He pulled out his tricorder, switched it on, and then used the light it cast as a torch. "Come on, let's get you seated."

Kathryn tried to walk, but as soon as did she fell to the floor. "Ooops," she laughed. "Red alert."

Seeing he would have to carry her, Chakotay put the tricorder down on a table, making sure the light pointed towards the sitting area, and then he picked her up.

"Thank you, Sir," she said, wrapping her arm around his neck. "But oh, I'm sleepy."

"Then sleep," Chakotay said kindly.

"But don't you want some fun?"

"Another time."

He then carried Kathryn over to the couch and gently placed her on it. She sighed as she sank into its soft cushions and turned on her side. Then Chakotay went to fetch a candle-lighter, which was in a nearby drawer, and lit two silver candles that adorned his magnificent fireplace. They cast a soft amber light around the room, a glow that married the moonlight and banished the shadows, and in it Chakotay looked around his lodge. Looked, but could hardly believe he was looking. This all felt surreal, like a dream, and yet he knew he wasn't dreaming. He really was inside his lodge, his lodge that had been gone for over a decade. And, as he looked around, looked at his antler chandeliers, his handmade furniture, and all his belongings, tears filled his eyes. There was so much heart in this house, so much history. Even though it had never been the family home he had built it to be, and even though he had spent more time in space than he ever had here, it was still very special. Here he had found a place to belong, a refuge from the world, and here he had spent precious time with Kathryn. Time that they would both cherish forever. And now here they were again. Here in this place that seemed to connect them. A place he hoped would one day stand again and be their home. And maybe that was why. Maybe the love they would share here, and the joy they had shared here, transcended time and forever bound them here.

But his mission was not yet complete. Kathryn was not yet safe. There were still a few hours until dawn. And, unless he put on some heating, those hours would be bitterly cold. The ground outside was covered in snow and the temperature, according to his tricorder, was barely above freezing. He would have to make a fire in the hearth. It would not be hard as he always kept a pile of logs beside the chimney, and the candle-lighter would be more than enough to set them ablaze. Working quickly, he removed the small portable fire simulator that was inside the hearth, and then made a fire. As the wood was very dry, the fire flared up quickly and soon was roaring.

Satisfied with the fire, and already feeling warmer, Chakotay turned his attention back to Kathryn. She was fast asleep now and for a long while he could only gaze at her. She looked beautiful in the firelight, serene and peaceful, and yet so vulnerable. So vulnerable that it scared Chakotay. He could have been any one, wanting any thing, but she had thrown herself at him with no thought for her safety. Thrown herself at a stranger. The story of her life. In that way, the wonder wasn't that he was here, saving her from some unknown danger, but that she'd survived this long.

A death wish.

That's what Kathryn had. A wish to die. She'd told him that once, told him that night he'd rescued her from a stranger in a park. At the foot of a tree she had sobbed and told him she hated her life and wanted to die. And he'd seen that wish in the delta quadrant, seen it in the way she would recklessly risk her life. But always he had been there to save her and he was here now.

Gently, he put a cushion beneath her head, took off her shoes, and then placed a quilted throw over her. Then, wanting to check that her intoxication levels were not lethal, he fetched a medical tricorder from a med-kit and scanned her. When the tricorder told him her levels were high, but not dangerously so, he relaxed. Whatever tragedy was supposed to have befallen her this night was surely avoided now. At dawn he would transport her home, and she would wake up ignorant that she was ever in danger. The events of this night would be a blur in her mind and she'd remember nothing about their encounter. She would live to be Voyager's captain and the next time they would meet would be in the delta quadrant.

Feeling sleepy himself now, Chakotay left Kathryn and sat in his favorite chair. Before him the copper flames of the fire danced in the hearth and, as he gazed at them, Chakotay remembered the fire that had destroyed this lodge. It had raged through the wood, furiously without mercy, and left nothing but black ashes behind.

March, 2368

Only a few weeks from now. On returning from his deep space mission, he would be told of the destruction of his homeworld, a destruction that had already taken place, and he would burn this lodge down. He would come here after resigning from Starfleet and, without even setting a foot inside, he would throw a firebomb through a window and watched the lodge burn.

The last night.

This was the last night this lodge would be lived in. The last night it would be loved.

And he was here with Kathryn.

The magnitude of that was overwhelming and brought tears to his eyes. He could only hope that he would remember. That when he got back to the future, this out of time experience wouldn't be forgotten like so many others.

_Possessions have never really mattered to me, as I'm not in anyway materialistic, but there are a few things I own that are very dear to me._

Kathryn's words at their parting were as true for him as they were for her, and in the silence they echoed through his mind. Nothing had he saved. His grief was so raw that nothing had mattered. Not his camera, not his letters, not his keepsakes. They had all burned. By a miracle, he now had his camera, and by another miracle he now had a chance to save what he'd lost.

Getting up from the chair, he fetched an old computer, switched it on, and then sat again. Using it, he secured a unit from a storage facility in Greenland, one that he knew from his outlaw days did not ask too many questions about who was using them or why, and registered it under a false name. Then, using a transport service from a provider that also didn't ask too many questions, he mapped his lodge and all its contents, and then manually selected everything he wanted to save. When this was done, he submitted the list, and within minutes his transport request was fulfilled. He then received a confirmation of safe arrival from the storage facility and an assurance that his goods would be kept there until further notice.

The task done, Chakotay switched off his computer, cast it aside, and then reclined in his chair. The lodge was quiet, still, and in the cozy tranquillity he soon fell asleep.

* * *

><p>Morning.<p>

When Chakotay woke up it was morning. The sun was shining, filling the room with golden light, and his watch told him it was 08:56 hours. On the fireplace, the candles were still burning, but the fire had died. All that was left was amber embers. But, while not warm, the room wasn't cold. The fire had kept at bay the night chill. Kathryn was still sleeping on the couch, the quilt still covering her, and Chakotay anxiously went over to her. For his mission to be a success, she had to be still alive. Alive after dawn.

She was.

Chakotay smiled with relief and joy. He had done it. He had saved his Kathryn. But his work was not quite finished. Now he had to send her home. So, using his computer, he accessed Starfleet's database, found her home address, and then made an online transport request. As there was a queue, the transport would be a few minutes in coming, so Chakotay used the time to put her shoes back on. He also slipped over her wrist the bag she'd dropped when she'd fallen. Then his computer bleeped and a message on the screen appeared informing him that transport would be imminent. Tenderly, and with tears in his eyes, Chakotay brushed his fingers against Kathryn's cheek and then kissed her forehead.

"Goodbye, Kathryn," he whispered. "See you in the future."

Then the transport came and she was gone.

For a long moment, Chakotay gazed at where she'd lain, but then he switched off his computer and blew out the candles. Then he looked around his lodge one last time. Now that Kathryn was safe, and the timeline was preserved, he would be transported back to his ship any moment. This was the last time he would ever be inside his lodge. Perhaps the last time anyone would.

"But you will stand again," he said. "I promise."

Then a white light engulfed him and the next thing he knew he was back on his ship.

Back in his quarters.

The time was 21:54, the exact same time he had left, and he remembered. He remembered everything that had happened. But now, back in the future, it was the present, not the past, that he had to safeguard.

"Computer," he said, "open a channel to the bridge."

The computer instantly obeyed. "Channel open."

Chakotay then addressed his second officer. "Captain to Blake. Status update."

"Everything is fine, Sir," the man answered. "Nothing to report."

Nothing to report. All was well. He had been to the past, done what he needed to do, and arrived back without anyone knowing he had ever been.

Mission accomplished.

"Acknowledged," he smiled. "Captain out."

Then, as the connection terminated, he happily picked up his long abandoned coffee and sat down to finish it.

END OF CHAPTER THIRTY TWO


	33. Chapter 33

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER 33**

SEPTEMBER, 2379

Sitting in her office, a cup of coffee in her hand, Kathryn looked out at San Francisco. It was raining over the city, a torrential downpour that beat against the windows, and a fierce wind was blowing. For September, the weather was disappointing, especially as August had been as wet, but at least some sun was forecast for the weekend. If it came, she could finally attend to her garden, which had overgrown during her six month absence, and plant some shrubs she had acquired at the colony. Her time there she had enjoyed, especially after Chakotay's visit had lit up her world and made everything seem brighter, but she had no plans to work there again. From now on, she would live and work on Earth.

Home.

If only Chakotay would come home. Already his ship was two weeks overdue and she was starting to worry. A lone ship could easily get into trouble, even with at least a dozen ships close by. But his return date had always been an estimate so there was no real cause for concern. It could be another two weeks before she heard from him. Every part of her hoped not, as she'd set her heart on them visiting Trebus before their cruise, but it was a possibility.

Having finished her coffee, Kathryn swiveled her chair back to her desk and turned on her computer. As she was planning to take a four month break, she had deliberately kept her workload light since returning, so there was little for her to do except reply to a few communications and give a few orders. But they kept her busy enough and always someone was at the door wanting to speak with her. In fact, she had barely been working for five minutes when the door chime played.

Looking up from her computer, she called out. "Come in!"

The doors to her office slid open and The Doctor came in. He was carrying what looked like a pet-box and inside it was a very miserable looking white cat.

"Good morning, Admiral," he smiled. "How are you today?"

"I'm fine, thank you," she said, getting to her feet. "But who's this you have here? Is it Neelix?"

"Yes. Your friend for the afternoon."

Kathryn looked up at him. "My friend?" Then, getting his meaning, she raised up her hand. "Oh no, Doctor. I may be slowing things down, but they're not so stationary yet that I have time to play pet-sitter."

"Oh, please, Admiral. I promised Reg Barclay I'd take good care of him, but Samantha Wildman has just gone into labor and I need to be there."

"Labor? But she's not due for another three months."

"Which is why I need to get to the hospital. Please, Admiral. I wouldn't ask but I'm desperate."

"Can't you leave the cat alone?"

"He's just had emergency surgery and needs looking after."

"What about Reg? Can't you call him?"

"He's at conference on Tarus Prime. Please, Admiral. I'll make it up to you by looking after Kollie any time you want."

Kathryn sighed. "Oh, ok, Doctor. But just this once."

The Doctor smiled. "Thank you, Admiral. I knew I could count on you." He then put the pet-box down on her desk. "Now, you may let him out of the box, and you may hold him, but he's not to have any food or water for at least two hours. I don't anticipate any problems, but should he start convulsing or vomiting, take him to Doctor Henson immediately."

"Understood. But what exactly did he have surgery for?"

"A perforated stomach. In short, he ate something he shouldn't have and is now paying the price. I've always told Reg he's far too greedy. Now, I'd better be going. Thank you again, Admiral. You truly are a hologram saver."

He then tapped his commbadge, requested a beam out, and disappeared.

"Well," Kathryn said, turning to the cat, "looks we're lumbered with each other."

The cat gave a pathetic meow and Kathryn couldn't help but laugh.

"It's that bad, huh? Well, how about I get you out of that cage and onto a couch? If one must be miserable, one may as well be so in comfort."

With that, she opened the box and carefully lifted the cat out. He moaned as she did, a sound that could only evoke sympathy, so instead of taking him over to a couch, Kathryn sat with him at her desk and cuddled him. The spoilt cat liked this and soon began to purr.

Then, for the umpteenth time that day, the computer declared that there was an incoming transmission.

Kathryn lowered the cat to her lap and accepted it. "Onscreen."

The small screen before her lit up and, to her absolute joy and delight, Chakotay's face appeared.

"Chakotay," she exclaimed. "Oh, I'm so glad to see you!"

"Ditto," he smiled. "How are you?"

"Just fine. But I've been going crazy waiting for this call."

Seeing the cat on her lap, Chakotay couldn't help but tease. "Crazy enough to get a cat?"

"Oh, she's not mine," Kathryn laughed. "She's Reg Barclays's. I'm looking after him for The Doctor. But enough about that. When will you be back?"

"Hopefully in a few days. We're on Starbase EX-5 awaiting repairs to our ship. Our expedition went like clockwork, but on our way back we came under attack near the Cardassian border from an old enemy of mine. Luckily there were no fatalities, but there were a lot of casualties and our ship sustained heavy damage. No doubt you'll be hearing all about it soon. We lost communication, amongst other things, so I've only just filed an incident report. But don't worry. I'm fine and I'm told everyone else will be too. The Cardassians came off worse."

"I'm glad to hear it. And well done."

Chakotay smiled, but there was a sadness in his eyes. "Thanks."

Picking up on his sadness, and guessing the reason, Kathryn tried to offer comfort. "It's not your fault, Chakotay. Crews suffer all the time because someone has a personal score to settle with their captain. It happened to us in the delta quadrant."

"I know. But that doesn't make it any easier."

"No. And it never really does get easier. A captain's load is a heavy one."

"As heavy as that cat?" Chakotay teased, lightening the conversation.

"Oh no," Kathryn laughed. "He's definitely heavier."

Chakotay's eyes then met hers. "I've missed you."

"And I you. In fact, I've been counting the days. Hell, even the hours."

"Me too."

Kathryn then lowered her eyes. "But are we...I mean are you...are we still where we were?"

"Absolutely. I love you and my commitment to us hasn't wavered. Not for a second."

Kathryn looked up and smiled. "Nor mine to you."

"Have you managed to book us a cruise?"

"Oh yes. I've secured us a luxury cabin on the top deck of _The Nerissa_. It's the second grandest cruise liner in the world and has a wonderful itinerary. I didn't bother with _The Adamantine_ as it doesn't allow pets. I'd like for Kollie to be with us some of the time. It wouldn't be fair to abandon him for three months."

"No. He belongs with us."

"Our cabin will be starboard side and have two ensuite bedrooms, a lounge with a balcony, and a jacuzzi."

Chakotay's eyes twinkled. "Starboard? Haven't you always said the way to sail is port?"

"Yes," Kathryn replied. "But that was before I learnt the deck's coffee house is starboard."

At this, Chakotay could only laugh.

"We'll be joining the ship in the South Pacific," Kathryn went on, "and leaving it at Argentina. Not quite a round trip but close enough."

"I can't wait."

"Me either. I've looked at the brochure a million times. In fact, I know so much about the ship now that I could captain it."

Chakotay laughed again.

"But don't worry," she assured him, "I'll stay well away from the bridge."

"You won't, darling," Chakotay said warmly. "Given your fame now, we'll probably be invited there for a tour."

At these words, tears filled Kathryn's eyes. Seeing them, Chakotay questioned. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No," she answered. "You called me darling and...and I like it."

Chakotay smiled. "Then I will more often."

Their eyes locked and then, all of a sudden, a bleep blared.

"Time up?" Kathryn asked regretfully.

"I'm afraid so," he replied. "I'm in a queue so five minutes is all I get. I'll call again tomorrow."

Tomorrow. Only a day away, yet it felt like an eternity. "Ok," Kathryn said. "I'll be waiting."

His eyes held hers again. "I love you."

"I love you too," Kathryn said.

Then, before they could say goodbye, the connection terminated and the screen went black.

For a moment, Kathryn felt the separation profoundly, but then the joy of his impending return elated her.

"He's ok, Neelix," she said to the cat, "and he's coming home. Life, at least for one of us in this room, just got a whole lot better."

She then kissed the cat and carried him over to the couch.

END OF CHAPTER THIRTY THREE


	34. Chapter 34

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER 34**

A FEW DAYS LATER

"I can't believe it's still raining," Holly said, looking out at San Francisco from Kathryn's office. "It seems like every time I'm here it is."

"That's because it is," Kathryn replied. "We haven't had a dry day in weeks. It's driving me nuts. I really wanted to sort out my garden this weekend. It's so overgrown now that it looks like a jungle. But I guess that's as much my fault as it is the weather's. I should have got someone in to take care of it while I was away. I just didn't think it would get so wild so quick."

"Gardens are like babies, Kath. They sprout up fast."

"Speaking of which," Kathryn said, "how is number three doing?"

Sadie Suzette, the latest addition to the Pemberton family, had come into the world two weeks before time and was now a month old.

"Making Jasper look, or rather sound, like a model baby. If I ever said no kid can cry as much as him, I take it back. Miss P. has him beat."

"Really?" Kathryn said, handing her friend a coffee. "I wouldn't have thought that possible."

"Well, believe it and pity my ears."

Kathryn laughed and then the two women sat on a sofa.

"But she truly is a cutie," Holly went on, "and does this adorable nose scrunching thing that cracks me and Ben up. Katie finds it funny too, but Jasper is kind of 'all babies have pig faces' about it."

"Sounds like Jasper."

"He's great with her, though, and never complains about her volume." She picked up a cookie from a pile and dunked it into her coffee. "How's your friend's pregnancy going? I can't imagine having one last eighteen months. I'd get so ratty Ben would be starting divorce proceedings!"

"It's kind of been and gone," Kathryn said. "She went into premature labor on Thursday and the baby was delivered just before midnight. He's small, being three months early, but is going to be just fine. He already weighs five pounds and will be able to go home in a few days. They've called him Winston and he looks exactly like Naomi did when she was born. I'm so happy for them, especially for Naomi. Voyager was no place to grow up."

"No, but I'm sure she has a lot of fond memories. Kids don't see the dangers we do. Voyager would have been one big adventure for her. But I'm glad the baby's ok. It's always a worry when they're that much early, even if three months for him is kind of like one for us."

Suddenly, the door chime played. Reluctantly, Kathryn put down her coffee and called out.

"Come in!"

The doors opened and Admiral Glen Stanley entered. He was an elderly man, with blue eyes and white hair, and was one of Kathryn's few superiors.

"Good day, Admiral," she said, getting to her feet. "Please let me introduce you to my friend, Holly Pemberton."

Holly stood too and held out her hand. "It's an honor to meet you, Sir."

The man took her hand and shook it. "Likewise."

"Would you like a coffee, Sir?" Kathryn asked. "There's plenty in the pot."

"No, thank you," he answered. "I'm just here to inform you that all meetings for this afternoon have been canceled due to an incident in the Arkon Sector."

At these words, Kathryn's stomach sank. Chakotay was in the Arkon sector. After docking his ship at Starbase FX-10, he was flying home in his shuttle and was due to arrive at about 16:00 hours.

"What kind of incident?" she asked.

"One of Zelpin's moons has exploded due to a mining accident. I need not tell you how catastrophic this is for the region. We're expecting a death toll of hundreds. We're just lucky there are no populated planets nearby or we'd be looking at a death toll of millions. We've deployed aid to the area, and are deploying more, but due to the volatility of the zone and intense radiation, it's going to be a major operation to recover those stranded on ships and shuttles."

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes. Zelpin was in the heart of a very busy passageway through the sector and there was every chance Chakotay had taken that route. "My former First Officer, Chakotay," she said quietly, "is in the sector. Do you know if...if he's amongst the casualties?"

"No," the Admiral answered. "We know very little at this stage about who is involved, where, or their condition."

Holly spoke. "The Arkon Sector is pretty big, Kath. The chance of Chakotay being near this moon when it exploded has to be miniscule."

The Admiral concurred. "Your friend is right. And, given the busy passage, an experienced pilot like Chakotay would probably avoid the area altogether." Seeing how pale Kathryn had become, he put his hand on her shoulder. "But I'll do everything I can to find out if he's there. In the meantime, assume he isn't. Thinking the worst does no one any good."

"I...I'll do my best, Sir," Kathryn said honestly.

The Admiral gave a sad smile, squeezed her shoulder, and then left. When he was gone, Kathryn hurried over to her desk and switched on her computer.

"What are you doing?" Holly asked.

"Hailing Chakotay," she replied. "I know it's a long shot, him still being light years away and flying at warp, but there's a chance we'll be able to establish a connection. Then I'll know for sure he's ok."

Quickly, she made the hails, but there was no response.

"Nothing," she said. "Not even a momentary connection."

Holly closed the gap between them. "As you said, it was a long shot."

"I know," Kathryn replied, turning to her friend. "I just...I need to know he's ok."

"He is, Kath. I believe that with my whole heart."

"But what if he isn't? What if...? I can't, Holl. I can't go through all that again. I can't, I just can't."

And then...

And then she was weeping.

Gently, Holly drew her close. "Don't do this to yourself, Kath. The overwhelming likelihood is Chakotay's fine. You're letting your fears get the better of your judgment."

"But that's how life is for me," she sobbed. "Just when I think something good is going to happen, something terrible does instead. And I can't take it anymore, Holl. I just can't."

"Nothing terrible is going to happen. Chakotay's going to come back and you're going to have a wonderful vacation."

"But what if he doesn't? What if his shuttle has been destroyed?"

"That's so unlikely, Kath. For that to happen, he'd have to have been flying passed the moon at the exact moment of the explosion. What are the odds? As your superior said, don't assume the worst."

Slowly, Kathryn drew away and wiped away her tears. "You're right. I am letting fear cloud my judgment. I just...I'm scared he won't come back. I have been since he left. I suppose because I'm afraid of happiness. Afraid to believe that finally things will work out for me. They never have."

"No. But this time they will, I feel it in my bones. And part of that is because you're ready. Professionally, and personally, you're in the right place to commit. You're also with the right person."

"I'm certainly that," Kathryn said. "He's been so wonderful about everything...just like Justin was. In that way, I've been very lucky. Lucky to have been loved by two amazing men." A tear ran down her cheek. "I just hope I don't let him down. Because there's still a long road ahead for us. I worry that because I've been on my own for so long, I can't change, that I can't learn to let someone in and relinquish control."

"You can, Kath. You already have. By telling Chakotay you're already half way there." She put her hand on Kathryn's shoulder. "But I think you should start seeing Jackie again. Her counsel will really help at this time."

"I know. And I will. I just...I need Chakotay to come home first. I need to know there really will be an us."

"There will, Kath. There already is. So don't torture yourself needlessly. Get on with your day and go meet Chakotay at the shuttlebay like you planned."

"I don't know if I can, Holl. Because if he doesn't come..."

"He will," Holly assured her. "I promise."

* * *

><p>At 16:00 hours, Kathryn was in the shuttlebay's lounge. This was a large, perfectly square, room that had white walls, a gray carpeted floor, and a number of blue sofa-chairs around glass tables. But even though the room was presently empty, giving Kathryn her choice of seat, she couldn't sit as she waited for Chakotay. Her mind was in so much turmoil that all she could do was stand and pace. There had still been no word from him, not even a quick message to say he was ok, and, despite her best efforts, she had been unable to contact him. However, there had been no word about him either. Names of the missing, the stranded, and the dead were now coming in rapidly and, to her encouragement and relief, Chakotay's name was not amongst them. But until he was standing before her, safe and sound, the terrible sickness inside would not subside. Even though her reason told her he was ok, that he had been no where near the moon when it exploded, her heart was afraid to believe it. Afraid to believe he was ok only to learn that he was not.<p>

And if he wasn't, if he was dead, then...

She couldn't go there.

Couldn't open the door to that room of horror and walk inside.

Not again.

If he had been caught up in the explosion, if his shuttle was stranded, she could only hope that the worst case scenario was injury. It didn't matter how serious. All that mattered was that he lived.

Lived.

Unlike Justin.

In this room, almost twenty years earlier, she and Justin had said goodbye to Admiral Paris before leaving on that fatal test flight with her father. Never had Justin returned. Never had her father. And, as she looked around the room, Kathryn wondered how many other people had said goodbye here never to see each other again.

A room of partings.

And yet of greetings. For many people had been reunited with loved ones here. Loved ones thought lost forever.

Lost forever.

Not Chakotay. He would be back. Any moment now he would walk through one of the four doors that led to the shuttlebay and greet her with open arms.

Any moment now.

But the moments, and the minutes, were passing. It was now almost 16:40 and there was no sign of him. Every now and then, someone came or went, but not Chakotay. Telling herself he was just late, that he'd underestimated the time his trip would take, she tried not to give in to her fears. Tried not to give in to her tears. But as more minutes passed, and 17:00 hours came and went, she could no longer keep them contained. As she looked out at San Francisco from a rainy window, tears trickled down her face. Chakotay wasn't coming. He was caught up in the disaster after all.

_All we can do is hope the future will be kind,_ he had said. _But if it isn't, all we can hope is that we'll have the strength and the courage to face it._

Strength and Courage.

Somehow, she had to find strength and courage.

Chakotay would want that. He'd want her to be strong. Want her to be brave. It was for those qualities he loved her. But she couldn't find the strength. She didn't even know where to look.

Couldn't even walk away.

It was now almost 18:00 hours, two hours after his expected arrival, but still she couldn't leave. To leave would be to let go of the hope that he was coming, the fragile hope gluing her heart together that he was ok.

But she had to. She had to walk away and try and find out what had happened to him. Perhaps he was stranded in a zone of such intense radiation that rescuers wouldn't venture there. If so, she would have to try and save him herself, even if she died trying.

Died trying.

A noble death.

Better than a living one.

Wiping away her tears, she took a deep breath and turned away from the window. Then, forcing her legs to move, she walked towards the exit door. It loomed before her, like an unreachable target, but at last she was upon it. However, just as she was about to press the open button, a door behind her swooshed open. Kathryn stilled, instinctively hoping the arrival was Chakotay, but as she couldn't bear to turn around only to learn it was someone else, she pressed the button. The door before her bleeped and opened, but just as she was about to step through it, a dearly beloved voice spoke.

"Don't I even get a hello?"

Kathryn stopped in her tracks, her heart and spirits soaring, and then, tears in her eyes, she turned around. There, standing before her in his uniform, was Chakotay. Kathryn laughed from joy, laughed and cried all at once, and then...

And then she was holding him.

Holding him as tight as he was holding her.

Holding him and kissing him.

Talking.

"Oh, Chakotay. I didn't think you were coming. I thought you were stranded or worse."

"It would take more than an exploded moon to keep me from you," he said, his arms around her waist.

"What happened? Why are you so late? Did you get caught up in the blast?"

"No. I was at the other side of the sector. I'm late because of the delays caused by it."

At the other side of the sector. Holly had been right again. He hadn't been anywhere near the explosion. His shuttle hadn't been destroyed, he wasn't trapped in deadly radiation, wasn't bleeding to death in a mangled vessel. He was home, safe, and standing before her. Tearfully, she reached out and brushed her fingers against his cheek.

"I was so afraid. I thought I'd lost you and I couldn't bear it. But you're safe and...and you're here."

"And here's where I'm staying. Promotion, or no promotion, I'm not leaving again. At your side is where I belong."

"You won't have to leave," Kathryn told him, "because...well, I have a surprise for you."

With that, she stepped away and hit her commbadge.

"Janeway to transporter room one. Two to beam to office 104."

Seconds later, they materialized in the office. It was large, stylish, and overlooked HQ's ornate garden. The walls were a pale blue, the carpet a dark, and its furniture was a classy silver. Opposite the desk, which was the main feature of the room, was a small sitting area of colorful sofa-chairs, and in a shaded corner was a yellow replicator. Decorating the room were magnificent pictures of animals, one of a black bear, and gracing the room's long window was a blue blind.

"Welcome to your new home from home," Kathryn smiled.

Chakotay turned to her. "You mean...this is mine?"

Kathryn nodded. "If you want it. Because everything is sorted. No more captaining. You can, if you want, start work as an admiral as soon as we get back from vacation."

Tears filled Chakotay's eyes. "I...I don't know what to say."

"Just yes will do. Because it will be so wonderful, Chakotay. We can work in the same building but lead totally separate professional lives. No one will have any problem about us being personally involved and we can meet up for lunch, or whatever, just like we always did on Voyager. I miss that, I miss having you working close by, and, in so many ways, this will be like being back on Voyager. The Doctor works here, B'Elanna soon will be as I've secured her a post in astronautics, and Tuvok is starting as my chief aide in January. It will be old times meeting the new."

Chakotay smiled, dimples showing. "You planned this all along, didn't you? That's why you were so keen on me leaving."

Kathryn curled her lip, her eyes sparkling mischievously. "Maybe." She then went over to the desk and opened a drawer. "But the reasons I gave were genuine too." Out of the drawer she took a small black velvet box and carried it over to him. "So, does Starfleet have a new admiral?"

Chakotay's eyes twinkled. "On one condition. This office gets a makeover."

Kathryn laughed and poked him in the chest. "Condition denied. Present office took present officer three weeks to refurbish."

"In that case," he said, stepping closer, "it will do." He then gazed deep into her eyes. "More than do. It's fabulous. Thankyou."

Kathryn smiled, her eyes fixed on his, but then she broke their gaze to present him with the box. Chakotay carefully opened it, and inside, gleaming in the light, was a rear admiral insignia.

"Mr Chakotay," Kathryn said, gently removing the pips on his collar, "by the power invested in me by Starfleet, I hereby promote you to the rank of rear admiral." She then took the insignia out of the box and fastened it to his collar. "Congratulations."

Chakotay smiled, tears in his eyes, and then they joyfully held each other close.

END OF CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR


	35. Chapter 35

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER 35**

A MONTH LATER

In the cozy lounge of a spacious dormer shuttle that had been their home for three weeks, Kathryn and Chakotay dined with his sister and her family. The room's round table was just big enough to sit six, and Kathryn sat between Sekaya and her seven year old daughter, Maya, while Chakotay sat between his brother-in-law and five year old nephew, Kayton. The dark haired, dark eyed, little boy was very quiet, most of his attention being on Kollie who was sitting beside him waiting in vain for scraps, but his chatty sister talked non-stop.

"I'm really going to miss you, Uncle and Kathryn," she said as she munched on salad. "Can't you stay longer? All winter, maybe?"

"I'm afraid not," Chakotay replied. "Remember, we have a boat to catch next week."

"But why would you want to be on a boat when you've just spent years on a ship? Stay, Uncle, please."

Sekaya spoke, her dark eyes twinkling. "The child actually has a point. Aren't you guys tired of ships?"

"The short answer," Kathryn smiled, "is no. But I understand where you're coming from. My mother found our vacation choice strange too. In fact, so did my sister and Aunt Martha. But what can I say? Once an explorer, always an explorer. But of course, sea ships are very different to spaceships. They're far more luxurious, to begin with, and are a wonderfully relaxing way to see the world. Instead of having to stay in hotel after hotel, we'll have a cabin that will be ours for the entire trip, and every day when we wake up we'll be somewhere new."

"But if you wait until summer to see the world," Maya said, "then you won't need a hotel or a cabin. You can sleep in a wigwam. Please, Uncle and Kathryn, stay longer. Please, please."

"How about we do a deal?" Kathryn suggested. "In summer, your uncle and I will visit again and take you and Kayton on a camping trip. Then we'll all get to sleep in a wigwam."

Kayton's little face lit up and he finally spoke. "Oh, say yes, Maya! Please say yes!"

"I won't," she snapped. "Summer's too long to wait. And I don't want to go on a camping trip. Camping's for babies!"

"It isn't, Maya," Kayton argued. "Babies can't put up wigwams or make fires. And you do like camping trips. You love them."

"I don't, Kayton! I hate them! And I hate wigwams! They're small and poky and full of bugs!" She turned to Chakotay. "Please, Uncle, don't leave tonight. Stay longer. Just a month or even a week. Please, please, please!"

"That's enough, Maya," Sekaya reprimanded. "Your uncle and Kathryn have to leave tonight and that's that."

"But..."

"No buts. Now, thank Kathryn for her kind offer and then finish your dinner."

But instead of obeying, Maya pushed her plate away and jumped to her feet. "I won't, I won't! It was a mean offer and I hate her! I hate you all!"

Then, in floods of tears, she ran towards the exit door, opened it, and jumped into the snow. As the door closed behind her, Reyzan, Sekaya's husband, got to his feet. "I'll go after her."

As he left, Sekaya turned to Kathryn. "Please accept my apologies for my daughter's behavior. She's not usually this rude."

"She is," Kayton said. "She always is. But she didn't mean it, Kathryn. She doesn't hate you. She loves you. That's why she's mad. She wants you to stay forever. And so do I. But I know that you can't as your home is Earth. And don't listen to what she says about camping trips. She does want to go, she really does, and so do I. So please take us in summer. Please."

Kathryn smiled. "I'll tell you what. If your sister wants to come, she can come. If she doesn't, you can come without her. Deal?"

Kayton grinned from ear to ear. "Deal. Oh, deal!"

The exit door suddenly opened and Reyzan reappeared.

"I can't find her," he said. "She's no where in sight."

"She's probably ran back to the house," Sekaya guessed. "Try there."

Chakotay spoke. "I have a better idea. Let's scan for her. We have her lifesign in our database. It'll save a lot of time."

"Thank you," Reyzan said. "I'm worried she's ran off somewhere. It's no weather to be out in."

"It certainly isn't," Kathryn agreed. "I always thought winters in Bloomington were bad, but yours make the Antarctica look mild." She then glared at Chakotay as he got to his feet. "And don't you dare say I told you so."

Chakotay smiled. "It's more than my life is worth."

Kathryn smiled back and they shared an affectionate gaze.

"Uncle," Kayton said. "May I watch you scan?"

Chakotay turned to the child and gave a nod. "You may. "

Kayton smiled, jumped to his feet, and then happily followed his father and uncle out of the room.

"He's a sweet kid," Kathryn said. "Bright too."

"He is," Sekaya smiled, "unlike miss temper tantrum. But Kayton's right. She's only upset because she loves you and doesn't want you to leave. Since you got here she's talked of nothing but how wonderful you are and how she wants to be exactly like you when she grows up. Come the summer, she'll live only for the camping trip...which really was a very kind offer."

"It'll be a joy. I love children and yours are a delight."

"Even when they're insulting you?"

"Well," Kathryn laughed, "maybe not then. But I like a kid with gutso."

Sekaya reached for the wine and topped up her glass. "Would you like one of your own? A kid, that is. I think Chakotay would."

At this, Kathryn tensed and lowered her eyes. "It's too late for us. At least, it is for me."

"I'm sorry. I think you'd have made a wonderful mother. You're certainly a natural with Maya and Kayton."

Kathryn gave a wan smile. "Thank you."

"It's me who should be thanking you. I've never seen Chakotay as happy as he is now. For so many years he was a lost soul, a man trapped between two worlds, a roaming warrior without peace in his heart. But I see that peace now. I see it when he looks at you. He loves you, very much, and I can tell you feel the same."

"I do. He's a kind, patient, special man, and it's a privilege to have him at my side." Tears filled her eyes. "It's also a privilege to be here. A privilege and an inspiration. What happened to your people was...an atrocity beyond words. The resilience you've all displayed, the fortitude and courage, it truly is a testament to the strength and determination of the human spirit. You have my deepest admiration and regard."

"You have mine. Getting Voyager home was an amazing accomplishment. The dedication it took, the courage and determination, inspires not only me but billions of people. You have a brave heart, yet a tender one, and my brother is greatly blessed to have your love. I hope he will always be worthy of it."

Kathryn was about to speak when Kayton came rushing in.

"We found Maya, Mama. She's in the woods. Uncle's gone with Father to get her coz he needs to use a trayorder to find her. They can kind find anyone, Mama, coz they're magic."

"Not quite magic," Kathryn smiled, "but they are clever."

"May I have one, Mama? Please?"

"We have no need of such technology, chicato," Sekaya answered.

"Oh, but we do, Mama," he argued. "Blezi gets lost all the time when he runs off after rabbits, and Maya's always running away. But if we have a trayorder we'll always be able to find them. Please, Mama, please."

"I suppose such a device might have its uses," Sekaya conceded with a smile. "If you ask Kathryn nicely, perhaps she'll replicate you one."

Kayton turned to Kathryn. "Will you, Kathryn? Please? I really, really, really, want one."

Kathryn smiled. "In that case, I'll get you one. What color would you like?"

"Orange," he said. "Like pumpkins."

Kathryn got to her feet. "Then one orange tricorder coming right up."

"You'd better replicate one for Maya too," Sekaya said. "Our house is going to be enough of a war zone for a few days as it is."

"She likes blue," Kayton added. "Like your special tomatoes."

Kathryn replicated the two tricorders and then presented the orange one to Kayton. The delighted little boy snatched if from her with a grin.

"Thank you, Kathryn. Thank you, thank you."

"You're welcome," Kathryn smiled.

Suddenly, Chakotay's voice sounded over the comm. "Chakotay to Kathryn."

Kathryn instantly answered. "Go ahead."

"We found Maya, but she's ran off again, this time to the house. Reyzan's gone after her, but given her mood he doesn't think she'll be back for the rest of dinner. If he can't..."

"She'll be back," Sekaya interrupted. "If only to say goodbye. I'm not having you and Kathryn leave without her giving you at least that courtesy. But there's no point Reyzan trying to reason with her. She plays him like a fiddle. I'll have to do it."

Kayton groaned. "Oh no, Mama! If you leave then I'll have to too! Stay, Mama. Stay so we can have chocolate cake!"

"You can stay, chicato," Sekaya told him, "because I mean to be back...with Maya."

"Good luck," Chakotay said. "See you in a bit. Chakotay out."

As the connection terminated, Sekaya got to her feet. "I'd better get going. The sooner I'm there, the sooner I'm here." She kissed Kayton's head. "Be a good boy. I want Kathryn to think I have at least one well mannered child." She then looked at Kathryn. "Again, I apologize for my daughter's behavior. I know you've put a lot of effort into dinner. I hope you don't consider it ruined."

"Of course not," Kathryn said. "Kids will be kids. I've had a few temper tantrums in my time. You know what they say about redheads."

Sekaya smiled. "Considering there are none on this planet, not really. But I can guess." She put her hand on Kathryn's arm. "I'll be as quick as I can. Hold out on the chocolate cake."

"We'll do our best," Kathryn teased.

Sekaya laughed and then left.

* * *

><p>An hour later, Maya was back, but as her parents talked and laughed with Kathryn and Chakotay, she sat in a corner of the room sulking.<p>

"Don't you at least want a tiny bit of chocolate cake?" Kayton asked as he ate a second slice. "Not even a button?"

"No," Maya scowled. "I hate chocolate cake. And I hate you so leave me alone."

"It'll all be gone soon. There's only three pieces left and..."

"Have you gone deaf or something? I said I don't want any! None, none, none!"

Suddenly, Sekaya spoke. "What's going on?"

At the sound of her mother's voice, Maya slumped into a hump again. "Nothing."

"She's still mad," Kayton said. "Mad and mean."

"I'm not mad," Maya cried. "And I'm never mean! You're the mean one for saying I'm mean!"

"If you weren't mad," Kayton argued, "you'd want cake."

"I wouldn't! I never would! I hate cake!"

"That's too bad," Sekaya said, "because Kathryn says we can take what's left of it home."

"I don't care," Maya declared. "And I'm not going home. I'm staying here."

"You are going home," Kayton told her. "Because if you don't walk there, Uncle and Kathryn will transpot you."

Maya was about to argue back, but Sekaya got in first. "Ok, you two, that's enough. We've disgraced ourselves enough for one evening. Now, get to your feet, Maya, and say goodbye to Uncle Chakotay and Kathryn. It's time we all went home."

Maya didn't budge.

"I told you," Kayton said, "she's mad. Mad and mean."

At this, Maya leapt to her feet. "I'm not, Kayton! I'm not!"

"Then do as Mama says," he goaded. "Say goodbye to Uncle and Kathryn."

Maya glared, her anger fuming, but then to spite her brother she marched over to Kathryn and Chakotay, who were now standing by the table with their father.

"Mama says we have to leave now," she said, "so I want to say goodbye."

The adults turned to the child and Chakotay smiled at her. "I'm glad you're talking to us again."

"I was never not talking to you," she lied. "I was just being quiet."

Kayton, who was now behind her, spoke. "You were not talking, Maya. That's why you were quiet. You were mad because Uncle and Kathryn have to leave."

"So what if I was, anyway?" Maya cried. "Am I not allowed to be sad because they're leaving?"

Kathryn put her hand on the child's shoulder. "Of course it's allowed, honey. We're sad to be leaving too. We've had a wonderful time and we're going to miss you all. But we won't be gone forever. In a few months we'll be back."

Tears filled Maya's black eyes. "A few months feels like forever."

"I know. But they'll pass quickly, I promise."

"And remember, Maya," Kayton said, "they're taking us camping. Because you want to come, I know you do."

"I do," Maya confessed. "And I'm sorry, Kathryn. I'm sorry I was horrible. I don't hate you. I love you."

Kathryn smiled. "I love you too." She then put her hand to the child's smiling face. "Now, shall I put what's left of the chocolate cake into a box so you can take it home?"

"Yes, please, Kathryn. But not all of it. If it's ok with Mama, I'll eat some before we leave."

Sekaya ruffled the girl's hair. "It's perfectly fine with me. But you sit at the table to eat it like a good girl, ok?"

Maya nodded. "Ok, Mama."

* * *

><p>After Sekaya and her family had left, Kathryn and Chakotay cleared up the lounge. One by one they recycled the dirty dishes, and then Kathryn gave what was left of the shepherd's pie to Kollie. The dog sniffed it at first, as though he knew it had been made by his mistress, and Kathryn laughed.<p>

"Looks like even Kollie's suspicious of my cooking."

"Yes," Chakotay laughed. "But I have to say you excelled tonight. A three course meal for six is a challenge for anyone. I'm impressed."

"Thank you. But I must confess there was little cooking involved. In fact, the only things I had to cook were the shepherd's pie and cake. The first course of fruit was...well, fruit...and the salad with the main was just salad. It just seems like I've cooked a lot because I've done what Aunt Martha calls cookoflage. That's using foods that don't need cooking to make up the courses. It's how she always kept up with the hoards of people Uncle Max would have over for dinner."

"Well," Chakotay smiled, "it sure worked on me."

Suddenly, unexpectedly, there was a rapping on the shuttle's door.

"I wonder who that can be?" Kathryn asked. "Your sister, maybe?"

"Only one way to find out."

With that, Chakotay went over to the door and opened it. There, standing in the snow with a baby in her arms, was an old lady that he recognized as Leskara. She was wearing a black hooded cloak and the baby was wrapped in a brown blanket.

"I am sorry to trouble you," she said, visibly shivering, "but I must speak with you. It is a matter of urgency."

"Then please come in," Chakotay replied.

The woman stepped into the shuttle and Chakotay manually shut the door. The night air was bitterly cold. Then he introduced the woman to Kathryn.

"Leskara, this is Kathryn Janeway. Kathryn, Leskara."

Kathryn smiled warmly. "Hello and welcome."

The woman nodded, but said nothing.

"Please," Chakotay said, "sit down."

"No," Leskara replied. "I will not stay. Tis better that I make this brief." She then glanced at the baby in her arms, a baby that looked about four months old. "This is my grandson, Azryn. His mother, bless her soul, is no longer with us. Two months ago she died of a long sickness, one she caught when the Cardassians invaded. I need not tell you how. For a long time she did not know she had the sickness, but by the time she did it was too late, her husband had been infected too. He died before this little one was born." Tears filled the old woman's eyes. "Our wiseman said she would never conceive a child, that the sickness made her barren, but conceive this boy she did. He was born five moons ago, several weeks before his time. We did not think he would live, he was so small and weak, but live he did and tis a miracle. But he has the sickness too. I hoped at first he did not, that the gods had spared him the scourge, but now I know he does. The wiseman says there is a cure on Earth, that your doctors will be able to make him better, but that the treatment will take a number of years. My daughter and her husband would not be treated, they did not want to leave our tribe, but this boy is young enough to grow up in your world and remember no other. I ask, therefore, that you take him to Earth and find a good home for him. I know his sickness will not make that easy, but I trust the gods will help you find a family that will love him and attend to all his needs." A tear ran down her cheek. "This has not been an easy decision as my daughter wished for the boy to stay with me. But I have to do what is right for the child. If he stays with me he will not live to manhood. I know you are kind ones and will help him if you say you will. I would trust him to no other."

Kathryn stepped forward and put her hand on the woman's shoulder. "Of course we'll help him. It will be a privilege."

The woman smiled, her relief visible. "Thank you, chicata. Thank you with all my heart."

"If you wish him to be placed up for adoption," Chakotay said, "I believe there is a procedure we need to follow. I'm not sure what it is, but I can look it up. You may have to sign a legal document."

"Whatever is necessary, son of Kolopak," she answered. "I would rather not come with you to Earth, but if I must I will."

"And you'd be most welcome," Kathryn said, "but I'm sure it won't come to that."

"So am I," Chakotay added. "However, it may take me a while to look up the law. Do sit, please."

This time, the woman did, and Kathryn sat opposite her while Chakotay looked up the law on his computer. When she was seated, the old woman cradled her grandson in silence and the sight brought tears to Kathryn's eyes.

"He's a beautiful baby," she said. "I don't think we'll have any trouble finding him a home, even with his condition. There are hundreds of couples desperate for a child."

"Then he will be a gift to them," Leskara replied. "The same gift he was to us. Even though my daughter did not know him long, she loved him very much. He was her sunshine and her joy." With trembling fingers, she parted the baby's blanket and showed Kathryn a pendant that was around his neck. It was made of wood, shaped like an eagle, and was hanging on gold string. "Please make sure this pendant goes with him to his new home. It belonged to my daughter, made by her husband, and was very special to her. She, as much as I, would want him to have it. Then he will know that he was loved."

"We'll make sure of it," Kathryn said. "I promise."

Chakotay left his computer now, a padd in hand, and approached. "As I suspected," he told Leskara, "there is a legal document that needs to be signed. There is, however, a choice of form. You can either place your grandson up for adoption, or you can bestow guardianship on us. If you do that, we'll have more say in his future and will be able to choose his new home."

"Then let us do that," Leskara declared. "I want you to pick his new family. I know you'll choose right."

"What happens then?" Kathryn asked Chakotay. "Do we give the form to children's services when we get home?"

"Yes," he answered. "But we will, of course, have to sign the document too." He then turned back to Leskara. "Shall we go through the form together?"

The woman nodded. "I would be most grateful for that. Most grateful."

* * *

><p>When the document was signed, Leskara prepared to leave. Reluctantly, she handed the baby to Chakotay and then kissed his little forehead.<p>

"The gods be with you, my precious," she said tearfully. "We shall not see each other again in this life, but I know we shall in the next. Until then, may joy and love be your wealth, and may they be your gift to others."

Then, after saying a final thank you and goodbye to Kathryn and Chakotay, the old woman left. Kathryn and Chakotay watched her walk through the snow, her hunched figure small and frail, and then they retreated into the lounge.

"I'm sorry," Kathryn said, wiping away a stubborn tear. "It just...it breaks my heart."

"Mine too," Chakotay confessed.

"I wish we could keep the baby. Then she could see him when we visit. But as much as I'd love us to have him, because I've always wanted a child and I know you have too, it wouldn't right. There's still so much...so much uncertainty. It wouldn't be fair to commit to a child when we can't commit to each other."

"I'm committed to you, Kathryn," Chakotay said. "Completely and wholeheartedly. But you're right. We're in no position to have a child. Not now. We need time for us. But Leskara doesn't expect us to adopt him. She only asks that we find him a good home. That we can do."

Kathryn nodded. "I suppose it's just...just the maternal instincts in me. This child needs a family and we... But as it's out of the question let's put it out of our minds. Instead, let's think about where we're going to put him. This shuttle only has two bedrooms and neither are big enough for a bed and a crib."

"He can have my room," Chakotay said. "If we fold the bed away there'll be room for a crib."

"But where will you sleep?"

"In here. The couch converts to a bed."

At that, Kathryn lowered her eyes. "I suppose that's an option. But it might be better if..."

"If what?" Chakotay prompted.

"If we share my room. Jackie says that sleeping together can just be sleeping together and...and I'm ready to take that step."

"Are you sure, Kathryn? Because I'll be quite comfortable on the couch."

"I'm sure." Tears filled her eyes. "Please, Chakotay. I want us to...to move things on."

Gently, Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "Then your room it is."

* * *

><p>Two hours later, the shuttle was in flight and Azryn was asleep in the room that had been Chakotay's. After putting Kollie to bed, his bower being a doggie basket in the lounge, Kathryn made a final check on the ship's systems while Chakotay took a shower. Then, satisfied that it was safe to continue on auto-pilot, she freshened up her bed, which was a queen size, by replacing the plain yellow sheets with more luxurious ones of blue satin. As this was the first night she and Chakotay were going to spend together, at least the first night since Voyager, she wanted it to be special. Chakotay loved blue, as he did satin, so the combination had to be a winner. Then she dimmed the room's lights, changed into her silky white negligee, and then brushed her hair before a full length mirror. Her hair was still long, still wild, but yet fell over her shoulders with an innocent abandonment that had once been her style. And then, as she looked at herself in the reflecting glass, it was suddenly her younger self she saw. It was the idealistic Kathryn of eighteen years old who was trying on an orange gown. She was smiling, pleased with her appearance, and then...<p>

And then she was gone.

All that was left was an older woman with a lifetime of loneliness in her eyes. And, as she gazed at that woman, Kathryn was suddenly aware of how short her negligee was, how thin the straps holding it up, and how sultry the fabric as it shimmered in the light.

Sultry and sexy.

Revealing.

Inviting.

Just like her favorite pink negligee. The negligee she had worn on New Earth only to take off in case it aroused Chakotay's desire. Before a mirror in the shelter's small bathroom she had tearfully ripped it off and put on a frumpy one instead, one that covered her body entirely and had pants to match. An armor of protection against assault. For she had not trusted him then, not completely, and, as she looked at herself in the mirror now, for a split second the same doubts and fears of yesterday plagued her. Was she safe? Could she truly trust him?

And then...

And then she was weeping.

Weeping from pain, weeping from frustration, weeping from guilt. Because she did trust him, trusted him with every fiber of her being. With him she knew she was safe. Never would he harm her. Never would desire master him the way it had mastered Neal. It never had, no matter how close they had got, even when she'd slept naked in his arms, and it never would.

And yet...

And yet the panic inside, the urgency to change her nightdress...

And then...

And then the bathroom door opened and Chakotay appeared.

"I see you've changed the bed," he said. "And I have to say it's..." He stopped talking when he saw that Kathryn was crying. Crying and trembling. Slowly, he closed the gap between them and put his hand on her shoulder. "Kathryn?"

At the gentleness in his voice and the kindness in his eyes, all Kathryn could do was lean into him. Lean into him and cling close. As she did, Chakotay wrapped his arms around her and held her tenderly.

"What's wrong, my darling?" he asked after a moment.

"Nothing," she said, her head on his shoulder. "Not now."

"Then why the tears?"

"I don't know. One second I was brushing my hair before the mirror, and the next...and the next this."

Chakotay kissed her and stroked her long hair. "Maybe we're moving too quickly. I'll sleep in the lounge."

"No," Kathryn said, drawing away. "I want us to share. I just...sometimes thoughts come into my head that I don't want to be there, thoughts and fears that I can't control. Thoughts and fears like...like this negligee is too short." A tear ran down her cheek. "And I'm sorry, Chakotay. I'm sorry for that thought. Because I do trust you. I just...the thoughts and the fears come from no where."

"Not from no where," Chakotay replied. "They come from the hurting girl inside you. The girl who is afraid to trust. And that's ok. She has every reason not to trust me. I'm a man and a man hurt her. It's going to take her time to believe that this man never will."

"I don't know if she ever will believe it," Kathryn said tearfully. "I've tried, many times, to convince her but she never listens. She just cries. Just cries from the pain." Slowly, she turned to the mirror. "And I can see her now. She's standing in my place in the mirror. Standing in a torn dress, her face and body battered. Always she haunts me, always she torments me, but always she warns me too. Warns me to be on my guard, to never let myself be hurt again. But she doesn't really want to haunt me. Doesn't want to be a ghost. All she wants is to be loved. For the fear and the pain to go away."

Gently, Chakotay turned her to him. "She's loved, Kathryn. Loved every bit as much as you are. And she's safe. So please, don't feel uncomfortable in this negligee. It's exactly what I'd expect you to wear and in it you look beautiful."

"With you, I feel beautiful," she said. "For so long I didn't. I felt dirty. Even detached from my body. Jackie says that's why I've always denied myself pleasure and never taken care of myself the way I should. I just didn't love myself. And not just my body, the me inside. I wanted to punish both. Punish them for the rape and for surviving the accident. To heal, she says I have to learn to love myself, to take care of myself, and to take pleasure in things without guilt. But it's hard, Chakotay. It's hard to change the habit of a lifetime."

"I know. But you have changed, Kathryn. You're much more relaxed in my company now. Your wounds, while still hurting, have healed over the years. It's just taking them time to close."

"You're right. I am different. The pain isn't as raw now. It's more like a dull ache. But, you know, I've lived with it for so long that it's hard to imagine it being gone."

"I understand. But by dealing with your pain, by treating the cause, it will ease, I promise. Because emotional pain isn't that different to physical, not really. Physical pain tells us that something is physically wrong, and emotional pain tells us that something in our lives is. If we didn't feel the pain then we wouldn't know that something needs to change." He took her hands in his. "But are you sure you want us to share? I'm happy to sleep in the lounge."

"I'm sure. More than that, I need it. I need to have you close."

Chakotay squeezed her hands. "Then shall we snuggle up?"

Kathryn nodded with a smile.

Chakotay then let go of her hands and gestured to the bed. "Pick your side, Madam."

Kathryn picked the left and then climbed into the bed. The sheets were soft and inviting and she sat back against the pillows as Chakotay took off his robe. Underneath it he was wearing only black boxers and his manly beauty took Kathryn's breath away.

"I'll put on a t-shirt," he said. "Then I'll..."

"No," Kathryn interrupted. "You're fine as you are...you're beautiful as you are."

At that, Chakotay turned to her and, seeing the sincerity in her eyes, smiled. Kathryn smiled back and then watched as he climbed in beside her. His strong muscles rippled in the soft light and she could only gaze at him with intensifying flutters inside. Flutters that set her soul alight. How much she wanted to touch him. How much she wanted to kiss him...

But she couldn't.

Between the longing and the doing was still that bridge to cross.

That bridge of horrors.

But she could take a step. Could move a little closer to the other side.

"Chakotay," she said quietly. "If I lie down, will you...will you lean over me? Just lean and look at me?"

From these words, she hoped he'd understand the challenge she was setting herself, and in his eyes she saw that he did.

"Of course," he replied.

Slowly, Kathryn lay down, and then, when she was comfortable, Chakotay leant over her. As he did, as his strong body overshadowed her, Kathryn felt her panic soar and she had to close her eyes. But then, when she forced them open, instead of finding herself looking into the face of horror, she found herself looking only into the face of love. Love that had concern in his kind eyes.

"Are you ok?"

Kathryn nodded. Then she felt Chakotay's hand on hers, a touch that was infinitely tender. Tearfully, she reached for his hand and clasped it. Clasped it and felt her anxiety melt away.

Warmth. Safety. Love.

Present in abundance.

Then, after they'd looked at each other for a while, they cuddled up under the covers.

"For so long I've dreamt of this," Kathryn said, resting her head on his chest. "Of sleeping in your arms like I did that night on Voyager. It truly did mean more than I can ever put into words. It was, and still is, the only night I've ever slept in the arms of love. Every other night I've either spent alone or beside a stranger." A tear ran down her cheek. "People think that Voyager was the loneliest time of my life, and yes, there were times when I was very lonely, but those times when I hurt you were there to make things better. Not always, because I know I shut you out, but all the times it really mattered. And, even if you weren't there, I knew that you loved me. Even in the darkest times that made the pain bearable. The loneliest time of my life was those lost years after Daddy and Justin. Every time I woke up in a stranger's bed, or woke up in mine to find a goodbye note from a man I could hardly remember, that's when I felt loneliest. That's when I hurt most." She paused. "But, you know, if you've never been to hell then you can't appreciate heaven. If there's anything I've learn in life it's how precious love is. Being loved like this, having each other to hold, it truly is a gift."

"Yes," Chakotay said, kissing her hair. "And one I know we'll always cherish."

"Always," Kathryn whispered, "always."

END OF CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE


	36. Chapter 36

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER 36**

A FEW DAYS LATER

In The Doctor's state of the art surgery at Starfleet Headquarters, Kathryn and Chakotay watched as their former EMH examined Azryn. Handling the baby with his usual brusqueness, the poor infant wailed as he was turned upside down, prodded and poked, and Kathryn protested.

"Is it really necessary to be so rough, Doctor?" she asked.

"Rough?" he retorted. "You think this is rough? You should see B'Elanna changing a diaper! I'm merely being proficient." He put the baby down on a biobed and scanned him with a flashing device. "But there's certainly nothing wrong with his vocal chords. If I wasn't a hologram, his volume would make me deaf!"

"How serious is his condition?" Chakotay asked. "We've done some research on his illness and have learnt that there are different strains of the virus varying in severity."

"His condition is serious," The Doctor answered, "but he is not suffering from hyperdonis as his grandmother believes. What he has is a rare and non-contagious autoimmune disease called Xyleth that sometimes affects Human-Betazoid offspring."

Kathryn frowned. "But both his parents were Native American."

"His parents, yes, his grandparents and great grandparents too, but he is one sixteenth betazoid, meaning that one of his great, great grandparents was a betazoid."

"That's plausible," Chakotay said. "A number of our people are descended from mixed unions."

"But there is no history of this condition in his family," Kathryn declared. "Quite the contrary, Leskara says her daughter caught the virus from a Cardassian."

"And she clearly believes that," The Doctor answered, "but I assure you that is not the case. The child has a genetic condition, not a virus that is, amongst other ways, transmitted sexually, and the likelihood is his mother had it too. However, given the stone age medical care on Chakotay's homeworld, I can understand the confusion. The two conditions have very similar symptoms."

"Our medical care isn't that primitive, Doctor," Chakotay said, "but I take your point. A misdiagnosis could easily happen."

"But if that's the case," Kathryn said, "how would Azryn's father have the illness too?"

"Perhaps he was a cousin to his mother," The Doctor answered. "Conditions like this can skip generations and then affect a number of descendants all at once. Or he was suffering from something else entirely. Some form of systematic toxicity, perhaps. If he was present at the time of the desecration, he could have been exposed to all kinds of hazardous chemicals. In fact, that may have been what was wrong with the child's mother and anyone else diagnosed with hyperdonis. But whatever the truth, the fact of the matter is that Azryn has Xyleth. You are welcome to get a second opinion, but I assure you it will be the same."

"I don't doubt your diagnosis," Kathryn said, "I'm just surprised. But I guess all that matters is what this means for Azryn. Is this condition curable?"

"Sadly, no. At least, not yet. But it is treatable. With proper medical care, there is no reason why he can't lead a full and happy life."

"What would happen without treatment?" Kathryn asked.

"He would be lucky to reach his third birthday. That isn't the case with all sufferers, some live normal lives for years, not even knowing they are sick, but as Azryn is already deteriorating, his prognosis without treatment isn't good."

Kathryn turned to Chakotay. "Then I guess this new diagnosis changes nothing. He still needs to be put up for adoption."

"Yes," Chakotay agreed.

"And the sooner he has a stable home, the better," The Doctor said, picking up the crying infant. "Consistency of medical care can make all the difference. But for now, what he needs is a cuddle." He held the baby out to Kathryn. "Care to do the honors? I'd say, Admiral, but I don't want you both rushing forward."

Kathryn laughed. "Gladly, Doctor."

She then took the baby in her arms and rocked away his tears.

* * *

><p>When Kathryn and Chakotay had finished at Starfleet Headquarters, and had paid a visit to Children's Services, they beamed to Kathryn's childhood home in Indiana. They materialized on the porch, a quaint porch that had a grand view of the surrounding countryside, and Kollie and Azryn materialized with them. Recognizing the place immediately, Kollie woofed and ran up and down the porch's steps, while Azryn slept in Kathryn's arms. Chakotay was responsible for their luggage, which numbered two suitcases, and after he'd admired the view, he picked them up and followed Kathryn into the house.<p>

"It's just us," Kathryn called to her mother, who she guessed was in the lounge or kitchen. "We're back."

Almost immediately, Gretchen Janeway, a tall woman with short silver hair, came out of the kitchen to greet them.

"I thought I heard a dog bark," she smiled. "Welcome home!" Then, seeing the baby, she questioned. "But who do we have here?"

"Azryn," Kathryn replied. "We're looking after him until we can find him a home. He has a medical condition that needs lifelong treatment, so his grandmother, a member of Chakotay's tribe, wants him to be adopted by a family on Earth so he can have the care he needs. His parents are dead."

"Oh, the poor mite," Gretchen said. "And what a shame for his grandmother too. Is there no way she can keep him?"

Chakotay answered. "Not realistically. His treatment is specialized and can't be provided on Trebus. His grandmother is also getting on in years and can't really care for him full time."

"Bless his heart. But he truly is a cutie and I'm sure there's a family out there just waiting to love him."

"We're sure too," Kathryn said. "In fact, we've been given the profiles of a number of couples waiting to adopt so we can select the family we think best. As Leskara...his grandmother...bestowed guardianship on us, we can choose his new home."

Kollie came running in now and almost knocked Gretchen over by jumping up on her with a woof.

"My," the old woman laughed, "someone's glad to see me."

"He sure is," Kathryn smiled. "But down, boy, down!"

The dog obeyed, but wagged his tail incessantly as Gretchen patted him.

"A walking air conditioner," she laughed. "But please, let's not stand here in the hallway. Let's go into the lounge. Or, better yet, come into the kitchen and stay for lunch. I was just about to heat up some black bean broth I made yesterday and there's more than enough for three."

"We'd love to," Kathryn smiled. "In fact, we were hoping we could stay for a few days, just until our cruise. I'd like for you to get to know Chakotay better and I'd like to show him around Bloomington."

"Oh, of course you can stay!" Gretchen exclaimed "I'd be delighted. And, if you don't want to take the little one around with you, I'd be more than happy to look after him."

"Thanks, Mom. That would be great."

"So," she asked, her kind eyes twinkling. "What will it be? Separate rooms or the same?"

"The same," Kathryn smiled, flushing a little. "But if you mind your own business, we'll mind ours, ok?"

"Ok," Gretchen answered.

Then, with a dazzling smile that was the mirror of Kathryn's, she headed for the kitchen and they followed.

* * *

><p>"So," Chakotay said as he and Kathryn took their suitcases to her old bedroom after lunch, "this is where you slept as a child."<p>

"Yes," she replied, looking around the spacious room that had yellow walls, white furniture, and a gray carpet. "Only it didn't look like this then. For one thing, the walls were blue. For another, it wasn't anywhere near as tidy. I had things everywhere, from telescopes to magnifying glasses, and across that wall over there I had a shelf of books. Phoebe didn't have a single one, as she thought them smelly and old fashioned, but to me every book was like holding history in my hands. The oldest I had was a copy of Jane Eyre and I must have read it a thousand times. Mostly in bed, but in summer I'd often sit on that windowseat over there and read all day." She then pointed to a far corner. "My desk was over there and it ran the length of the wall. It had to because I not only used it for school work but as my own science lab. Drove Mom crazy as she'd come in here to find insects in jars or worms in a tank. They kept Phoebe out, though, so that alone was worth the earache." She wandered over to the room's only window, which was a large bay window that had white cushions on its wooden seat, and picked up a tattered rag doll. The doll was wearing a green dress and had two frayed red braids. "This little lady is about all that's left of my old room. Aunt Martha made her for me when I was little and I always kept her on this windowseat. It was her place, where she belonged, and when I moved out it felt wrong to take her with me. So I left her here and here she still is."

"Does she have a name?" Chakotay asked, joining Kathryn at the window.

"Oh, yes. Annabelle Marielle. I couldn't decide between them so I gave her both. But for short we've always called her Elle." She turned the doll over and showed Chakotay a blue patch on her dress. "See this? Courtesy of Petunia. The damn dog would get her teeth into everything and I hate to think what would have become of this lady if I hadn't saved her in time. Her head was almost bitten off and her leg actually was. I was livid at the time, and made Petunia go a week without treats, but now...now I'm kind of sentimental about the damage. It reminds me of Petunia and, with the exception of photos and vids, is all that's left of her."

"I'd love to see some of your home videos. Especially those of you as a child."

Kathryn put down the doll. "Then your wish is Mom's heaven. Because she'll be showing you like a hundred over the next few days. Starting with baby me coming home from hospital."

"I can't wait."

Kathryn opened her mouth to speak, but just as she did, the bedroom door opened and Phoebe came in.

"Hi, guys," she said. "Welcome home. Mom said you were unpacking so I thought I'd come up."

"Getting around to the unpacking," Kathryn smiled. "Please, take a seat. It's been a while since I entertained in this room, but Mom assures me that my old replicator is still working. Want a coffee?"

"From a machine built God knows when? No, thanks, sis."

"Oh, there's no need to be ageist. An old faithful is better than a new fickle. Trust me, after a seven year battle with my replicator on Voyager, I know what I'm talking about." She walked over to a small blue replicator that was sitting on top of a white cabinet. "Be brave. I'm having one."

"In that case," Phoebe said, "you've twisted my arm. I'll have a decaff, no sugar. But if we get drink poisoning, don't say I didn't warn you."

"Warning noted," Kathryn smiled. She then replicated a cup of steaming black coffee and handed it to her sister. Then she addressed Chakotay. "Chakotay, do you want one?"

"Thank you, but no," he answered. "There's something I need to do this afternoon so I'll go and do it now and leave you two to catch up."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow. "Something to do? First I've heard of it. Not trying to get out of the coffee, are you?"

"No," he smiled. "There really is somewhere I need to be. But I can't tell you where or why as it's a surprise."

"A surprise? For me?"

He nodded. "But that's all I'm saying." He then kissed her cheek. "I'll be back in about two hours."

"Two hours? But..."

"All I'm saying," he interrupted. Then he turned to Phoebe. "It's good to see you again, Phoebe."

"You too," she replied. "I just wish all our meetings weren't hi and bye."

"Me too," he said sincerely. "But I'm sure that will change."

"I know it will change," Kathryn declared. "Because from now on you're going to be seeing a lot of each other. In fact, why don't you and Zeth come over for dinner tomorrow, Pheebs?"

"Zeth will be working," she answered, "but I'd love to come."

"Then it's a date," Kathryn smiled. She then addressed Chakotay. "Your jacket is in the kitchen...on the coat rack by the door."

Chakotay nodded, said goodbye, and then left. When he was gone, Phoebe spoke.

"Well, things certainly seem to be going well for you two."

"They are," Kathryn said, returning to the replicator to get herself a coffee. "But it's still early days."

"Early days? Don't you know that by bringing him here you've practically made him a member of the family?"

"If you mean in Mom's eyes, I know," she smiled. "But Chakotay and I are serious. It's just...just complicated."

"It doesn't have to be, Kath. Not if you love each other. At the end of the day, that's all that matters. And I say that from the heart. Zeth and I thought the problems we were having were insurmountable, that we'd be better off apart, but getting divorced didn't fix things. Not for him, not for me. It just made us realize how much we still love and need each other." She paused. "Which brings me to...to something I'd like to talk to you about."

Sensing that her sister had something important to say, Kathryn picked up her freshly replicated coffee and sat beside her on the windowseat. "Talk away."

"Well," Phoebe began, "it's about Azryn. Mom's told me all about him and..." Tears welled in her eyes. "Would you let me and Zeth adopt him?"

Kathryn looked at her in surprise. "You and Zeth? But you've always said you don't want children."

"I know," she answered. "But it isn't true. The truth is we can't have them. We tried everything...different doctors, different fertility treatments...but nothing worked. Sometimes, even with all our medical advances, there's nothing that can be done." A tear ran down her cheek. "But we do want a baby, desperately, and that's...that's why we ended up separating. Our pain was so great that we took it out on each other and said a lot of things we didn't mean. At least, I did. Instead of turning to Zeth for support I pushed him away, turned my pain in on myself. He wanted us to look into other options like adoption, but I wouldn't even consider it. I knew the waiting lists are long and that...and that the chances of getting a baby were remote. And I wanted a baby. I wanted to hold one in my arms and...You don't know what it's like. You don't know what it's like to have all your friends get pregnant, to see them with their babies, but to not be able to have one yourself. It makes you feel...empty inside. Like you're less than a woman, like you're being punished. It effected every part of my life and our marriage was the casualty." She paused. "But losing Zeth it...it helped me to put things in perspective. Yes, not being able to have a child was devastating, but living without Zeth was harder. I tried to find someone new, dated more than a handful of guys, but no one could take his place. I needed him, more than I needed a child, and on what would have been our tenth anniversary I told him so. I didn't really mean to, as I was drunk, but after downing my sorrows I called him up and said I still loved him. He felt the same and...and things kind of went from there. But we knew that if we were going to make it we couldn't repeat the mistakes of the past. So we decided to accept that we were never going to have a child of our own and to adopt instead. You won't find us on your shortlist, though. We've been told that it'll be at least five years before we're on it."

With tears in her eyes, Kathryn put her hand on her sister's. "I'm so sorry, Phoebe. I had no idea about any of this. Why haven't you ever told me?"

"I don't know. If you'd been around when it was happening, maybe I would have, but you weren't around as you were in the delta quadrant. By the time you got home, Zeth and I were divorced, and then...well, I don't suppose it's something I wanted to talk about. Not even Mom knows as I didn't want to bother her with my problems when she was grieving for you. And maybe that was part of my pain, you know? Having lost you. Because even though we've never been close, you're still my sister and I love you."

Kathryn squeezed her sister's hand. "I love you too. And I understand...about you not telling me. There are things I haven't told you too."

"There are?"

Kathryn nodded. Then she withdrew her hand and averted her eyes. "When I was at The Academy...first year cadet...I was...I was raped."

For a long moment Phoebe was silent, painfully so, then she put her hand on Kathryn's shoulder. "Oh, Kath."

"I won't go into details," she said, "not here, not now, but it totally messed me up and damaged my ability to form relationships with men. I tried with Justin, and with Mark, but physically I could never go beyond a certain point. Not that I haven't slept with men, because I have, too many, I just...well, let's just say not with any man I loved. I've since had counseling, and am doing better, but that's why...that's why it's early days for me and Chakotay."

"I'm sorry, Kath. Truly and profoundly sorry. And I don't know what to say. It makes my problems seem so small."

"Not small, Pheebs. Just different. My counselor says we should never trivialize our own problems because we think someone else's are worse. That just adds guilt to pain." She paused. "But I do know what it's like...what you said before about babies. I've felt all that too. Especially when Jasper was born. In fact, wanting children was one of the reasons I tried to change my life around. But it wasn't meant to be for me and, with things being as they are between me and Chakotay, there's no way we can adopt Azryn. So, if you want him, then of course you can have him. There's no one I'd rather him go to."

Tears of joy filled Phoebe's eyes. "Thank you, Kath. This means...thank you."

"But I must ask you not to tell Mom about...you know, what I've told you. After all these years, there's no need for her to know now."

"You have my word, Kath." She then got to her feet. "I'm going to have to call Zeth. This is going to make his year and...But hell, I'm so overcome that I can hardly think..."

Kathryn stood too. "Want a hug?"

Phoebe smiled. "You betcha."

Kathryn smiled back and then the two sisters hugged.

* * *

><p>"I can't believe I'm finally going to be a grandmother," Gretchen said to Kathryn as she grated cheese in the kitchen. "I'd come to accept I never would be. But who would have thought Phoebe would want a baby? She's never shown any interest in having children. I always thought there was more hope of you having one than her. But then I suppose there comes a time in every woman's life when it's a now or never. Some choose the never, others the now. I can't wait to tell your Aunt Martha. She's going to be as thrilled as I am. Well, maybe not quite as thrilled as I am, but almost. I'll call her later. I don't suppose Phoebe will have time to tell her as she's going to have her hands full turning the guest room into a nursery. I can't wait to see it. No one can decorate a room like Phoebe."<p>

"That's true," Kathryn said from the table, "but Chakotay can easily rival her. His apartment in Oregon is stunning, and he once had a magnificent lodge there."

"What are his plans for the apartment now that you are together?" Gretchen asked, leaving the cheese to sit with her daughter.

Kathryn smiled. She knew this was her mother's way of asking if they were going to be living together. "Subtle, Mom, but not subtle enough."

"You can't blame me for wondering," she said. "None of us are getting any younger and it seems a shame for you to go back to living separate lives after the cruise. You're so right together. And I say that after having had doubts. I thought you needed...well, let's just say a different kind of man. But it only takes one look at the two of you together to see that you're made for each other."

"Thanks, Mom. I do love him, very much, and I hope with all my heart that we have a future together, but we're not making any plans. We're just taking things as they come."

"I know that's often the best way, but sometimes happiness is worth taking a chance on." She reached for her daughter's hand. "If anyone deserves to be happy, it's you. Beneath that tough exterior of yours is a tender heart, and it's time a good man took care of it."

Those words brought tears to Kathryn's eyes, but with great effort she blinked them back.

"Chakotay is a good man," her mother went on, "a kind soul, and I just feel in my bones that this time it really is forever."

"Me too," Kathryn said quietly, "but forever is a long time and...let's just see what happens."

Suddenly, the kitchen door opened and Chakotay came in. He was clad in his jacket, which was black, and he looked like he'd been in the rain. While not soaking, his hair and clothes were definitely wet.

"The wanderer returns," Gretchen smiled. "And it looks like you could do with a coffee."

"I'm fine," he answered. "In fact, I'm only back to collect Kathryn."

At this, Kathryn got to her feet. "Collect me? Are we going somewhere?"

"We are. So, get your jacket on."

"This somewhere," Kathryn said, fetching her jacket from the coat rack, "is it raining there?"

"It is."

"And would I be right in thinking it's where you've just come from?"

"Yes."

"Then it has to be San Francisco. Because when I think rain, I think San Francisco."

"It isn't," he laughed. "It isn't San Francisco."

"Really? I'm amazed." She then slipped her jacket on. "So, where are we going? Or is that my surprise?"

"It is."

"Then do I get a hint?"

"No," he smiled. "But as we'll be there in the blink of a transport, you don't have to wonder long."

Kathryn turned to her mother. "I guess then, Mom, I'll see you later."

"I guess you will," she smiled.

Chakotay then put his hand on Kathryn's shoulder. "Close your eyes."

Kathryn opened her mouth to speak, but Gretchen got in first.

"Just do it, dear."

"Ok," Kathryn laughed. "I'm doing it."

With that, she closed her eyes. As she did, Chakotay hit his commbadge. "Chakotay to HQ5X, initiate transport."

Seconds later, a blue beam engulfed them and they dematerialized.

* * *

><p>When they rematerialized, Kathryn felt a wind against her body and soft rain against her face.<p>

"Ok," Chakotay said, "you can look now."

Kathryn opened her eyes, eager to see where they were, and the first thing she saw was ocean. A gray choppy sea beneath a high cliff. A cliff she had stood on before. The cliff at Chakotay's lodge. And then, when she turned around, she saw the lodge. It was standing before her, exactly as it stood in her memory, and out of its chimney smoke was puffing into the rain.

"Oh, Chakotay," she whispered.

"It isn't quite finished yet," he told her, "there's a lot of work to be done inside, including power and plumbing, but the main structure is complete."

"It's incredible," Kathryn said, gazing at the lodge through tears and raindrops. "Just like I remember. Just how it is in my dreams."

Beautiful dreams.

Dreams where she and Chakotay lived and loved here forever.

"And I feel like I'm dreaming now," she went on. "For how can this be? How can the lodge be here? You've been in space for so long and then we've been to Trebus."

Chakotay explained. "After I left you at the colony, I stopped here on my way to Starbase FX-10. In case of a fire, or some other catastrophe, I always kept a copy of important files and documents on a memory chip in my cave. The original plans for this place were amongst them. I took them to a local construction company, one that specializes in log homes, and asked them to rebuild the lodge. I also gave them pictures of the inside and the outside so they could recreate it identically." He paused. "While I did a lot of the work on the old lodge myself, and there's nothing quite like building a home with your own bare hands, at this point in my life it would be too big a project. I also wanted to get it built quickly so I could surprise you."

"And it's a wonderful surprise," Kathryn said tearfully. "The best of my life. Thank you."

Chakotay smiled, tears in his own eyes at her joy. "Shall we go inside? I know you owe me a dance on the beach, but it can wait for a sunnier day."

"It had better," Kathryn laughed, "as the tide is in." She then gazed deep into his eyes. "I love you."

"I love you too."

Then, oblivious to the rain, Kathryn kissed him. Kissed him with the depth of her love and gratitude. Chakotay kissed her back and then, arm in arm, they walked towards the lodge. Its grand verandah was exactly where it had been and they climbed up its steps until they were upon it. Upon it and looking out at the stormy sea. Then Chakotay opened the double glass door behind them and they stepped into the lounge. As they did, Kathryn looked up and around. While the room was almost completely empty, and the walls and floors were undecorated, it was just as breathtaking as she remembered. The elaborate chimney, in which a roaring fire blazed behind a silver guard, still dominated the room, and through the arched wall of windows in front of her she could see the distant forest. To her right, archways led into further rooms, rooms that were now empty but had once been a study and holo-zone, and to her left identical archways led into another empty room that had once been a kitchen. Above her, through the landing's square overlook, she could see the lodge's majestic vaulted ceiling, and for a moment she lost herself completely in the splendor.

"Come on," Chakotay said, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Let's take off our jackets and warm ourselves by the fire."

Kathryn came out of her reverie and, after glancing at the fire, before which was a small wooden table between two blue beanbags, she took off her wet jacket. Chakotay hung it, along with his, over the silver fire guard which he moved now they were present, and then gestured to the beanbags. "Take a seat, ma'am."

Kathryn sat and looked with curiosity at the items on the table. There was a large red flask, a silver box, two cups, and two plates with knives and forks.

"What are these?" she asked. "Coffee and cake by any chance?"

Chakotay smiled. "Got it in one. Although the cake is more of a gateau."

Kathryn opened the box and there, inside, was a gateau that made her laugh. It was clearly a coffee deluxe, but topping it were slices of strawberry.

"Well, what do you know," she said. "The perfect mix."

"Just like us," Chakotay replied, sitting opposite.

Kathryn smiled at him, took the gateau out of the box, and then opened the flask. As she did, the coffee inside steamed out and she inhaled it in delight.

"Oh, fresh coffee. I can tell just by the smell."

"And made right here in Oregon. The gateau too. I got them at the ranch we once visited."

"Really? Is it still the same? The ranch, I mean."

"Yes, more or less. They don't have as many stables as they did, now they're mostly a hotel, but they do still offer horses for riding. So, if you're up for it, maybe we can ride sometime."

"Oh, I'm up for it. I'd love to ride that trail again. It was totally exhilarating." She picked up a cup, filled it, and then looked around the room. "But I still can't believe I'm here. That I'm really here. For so long I've only been here in my dreams."

"You're here," Chakotay said. "Unless we're both dreaming."

"If we are," she replied. "Let's keep on sleeping."

Chakotay smiled and then poured himself a coffee.

"But if we are awake," Kathryn said, "and really are here, then...then I'd like us to think about the future. I know I said I don't want us to make any plans, and I'm not saying that I've changed my mind, I just...well, I think that if we return to living separately after our vacation it would be taking a backward step. I think we should live together. Live together here."

At this, Chakotay reached for her hand and squeezed it, his eyes moist. "There's nothing I'd like more. This is our lodge, Kathryn. In so many ways it always has been. It's where we belong and where I want us to be."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "Me too."

"Good," he teased, as he let go of her hand, "because I've had balconies put on the rear bedrooms just for you."

Kathryn smiled and then...and then she was crying. "I'm sorry," she said. "I just...I'm so happy. Happier than I ever thought I could be."

"Me too. And this is just the beginning. But are you sure you want this place to be our main residence? It's very remote and winters are harsh. We can always have it as a vacation retreat."

"I'm sure. Absolutely and completely. The bigger question is are you? For me, this place holds only happy memories. For you...well, the last time you were here was to torch it."

Chakotay put down the coffee he had just picked up. "That isn't the last time I was here, Kathryn. The last time was with you."

Kathryn frowned. "With me?"

"A few months ago, while I was captaining The Juniper, I had a visitor. Her name was Rachel Smith and she was a time officer from the future. She told me that she needed my help to save your life. I was skeptical at first, because she could have been anyone or anything, but as her story was convincing enough I agreed to help. Well, to cut a long story short, she sent me to the past. Your past. I found you at a bar, picking up and being picked up by a man, and you were very drunk. I didn't really know what I was supposed to do, as the only instruction I'd been given was to make sure you were still alive after dawn, but when you got ready to leave with the guy, I instinctively knew that I couldn't let that happen. If you did, there was no way I could keep you safe. So, I frightened the guy off and pretended to pick you up myself. You recognized me, but were so drunk that you believed it when I said I wasn't who you thought. We left together and I brought you here. It was the only place I could think to bring you. By now you were very drunk and passed out almost immediately. I carried you over to a couch and left you there while I lit candles and made a fire. My generator was down, you see, so it was cold and dark." He paused. "We spent that whole night together. Spent it right here where we are now. You on a couch, me in a chair. This was January 2368. Just a few weeks later I would return from deep space and torch the place. That night was the last I ever spent in that lodge, the last time I would ever be inside it, and that last night was spent with you. How much that means to me I can't put into words. But, as I said, in so many ways this lodge has always been ours. If you're certain, truly certain, that you want this to be our main residence then nothing could give me greater joy."

With tears in her eyes, Kathryn took his hand in hers. "I'm certain. But isn't fate strange? Just when we think its great wheel has come full circle, time has another secret to tell. I can't say it thrills me to think you saw me at that bar, because I know I must have been a mess, but I'm glad that night turned out to be such a special one. I just wish I could remember."

"Me too. But if you did then...well, everything could have happened differently."

"Do you know what you were saving me from? I don't suppose it matters now, but I'd sure like to know."

"Yes," he answered. "I didn't at the time, as I wasn't told, but a few weeks ago it suddenly occurred to me where I'd seen the guy before...the one you were with at the bar. I'd served with him on a ship and I remembered that his last name was Allenton. I looked him up on Starfleet's database and immediately got my answer. In 2373 he was arrested and charged with the murder of thirty eight women. He would pick them up at a nightclub, take them home, and then torture them to death in his basement. Then he'd dispose of their bodies in an incinerator." He paused. "It doesn't take a genius to work out that you were an intended victim."

"I see," Kathryn said, suddenly rather pale. "I'm kind of sorry I asked." She then withdrew her hand and averted her eyes. "Do you know if...if he went on to kill someone else that night?"

"He didn't. In fact, he didn't kill again for over a year. Maybe what happened that night scared him off. Maybe he thought I was a cop."

At this, the color returned to Kathryn's cheeks and she raised her eyes. "I'm glad. I'd hate to think I lived at someone else's expense."

"You didn't. If anything, what happened that night saved lives." He picked up his coffee. "But of course, I'm not supposed to be telling you all this. Temporal Prime Directive."

"The almighty." She then leant forward, a mischievous gleam in her eye. "But if you're in the mood to tell time's secrets, do I finally get to know what the deflector dish incident was all about?"

"Sorry," Chakotay smiled. "One time travel story is enough for one day."

Kathryn curled her lip. "Spoil sport."

"But I can tell you that unless we get stuck into this gateau it will soon be a pile of sludge."

Kathryn looked at the gateau and laughed when she saw that its creamy layers were melting in the heat of the fire. "So it seems." She then picked up a cutter that was inside the box. "Care to do the honors, Sir? My cooking may have improved, but when it comes to cutting gateau, you still have me beat. My slices always look like they're wilting."

Chakotay laughed, cut them both a slice, and then they ate the creamy delight before the crackling fire.

END OF CHAPTER THIRTY SIX


	37. Chapter 37

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**.

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER 37**

SIX WEEKS LATER

In a silver four-poster bed draped with shimmering white net, Kathryn looked down at Chakotay as he slept. Her hair was loose, falling over a blue satin nightdress, and her face was speckled with freckles after weeks of exposure to the South Pacific sun. For a long time she gazed at him, taking in every feature as though she was seeing them for the first time, but then he stirred awake.

"Good morning," she smiled.

Chakotay smiled back. "Good morning."

Kathryn then kissed his lips and caressed his tattoo. "I've made us breakfast. Scrambled eggs and toast. But there's no rush as they're keeping warm."

Chakotay's eyes twinkled. "Have I overslept or is this Kathryn Janeway an impostor?"

Kathryn laughed. "Neither, I assure you. I was just up before you, for once, so thought I'd do the honors. But the eggs are replicated, the tomatoes too. I didn't want to set off any alarms."

"I think you're beyond that now, darling."

"When it comes to me and cooking, it's always better to be safe than sorry."

Chakotay laughed and then Kathryn reached behind herself and presented him with a red rose. "For you, Sir."

Chakotay took the rose with a smile. "Thank you. But what's the occasion?"

"None. I just wanted to say I love you."

Chakotay kissed the rose and handed it back to her. "Ditto."

Kathryn laughed. "Thank you, Sir." She then tossed the rose aside and lay on top of him. "So, what shall we do today? Go ride our trail this afternoon or go ride our trail?"

Chakotay smiled. "You can't stand it, can you?"

"What?"

"That you haven't won a single race against me yet."

Kathryn curled her lip and raised herself a little. "Speculation, Mister. I merely seek the thrill of the chase."

Chakotay tickled her ribs. "Admit it, Kathryn Janeway, you hate to lose."

"I don't," she laughed. "I don't."

Then, as she rolled onto her back and Chakotay rolled on top of her, tickling her still, she laughingly conceded.

"Ok, ok! I want to have you beat!"

At that, Chakotay stopped tickling. As he did, their mutual laughter dwindled and they gazed into each other's eyes. Tenderly, Kathryn reached up and traced the course of his tattoo, then she raised her mouth to his and kissed him. Chakotay kissed her back and Kathryn wrapped her arms around his strong body. For a long time they kissed, tenderly and deeply, then Chakotay drew away.

"Shall we eat?"

Kathryn nodded. "Let's eat."

With that, they climbed out of bed and put on their robes, but just as they were about to leave the room, the computer spoke. "Incoming message, Phoebe Janeway."

"Accept," Kathryn said, "audio only."

Seconds later, Phoebe spoke. "Hi, Kath. I'm to disturb you at this hour but there's a newspiece you must see. A friend of a friend passed it on so I'm sending it to you. I thought it was quite amusing and I hope you do too. Speak to you soon, Phoebe."

A bleep followed the message and then all went silent.

"I wonder what this newspiece is about," Kathryn said curiously. "Or rather, I wonder who. It's got to be someone we know. Maybe The Doctor. He's never off our screens these days. If he isn't doing some God awful chat show, he's on some quiz showing off his holographic brains." She addressed the computer. "Computer, display received media file, full screen with audio."

Almost immediately, a screen lit up on a wall and the face of a pretty blonde presenter filled it up.

"Hello there," the woman said, "welcome back to Who's Got The Goss? Joining me now is Loretta Preston and what an exclusive scoop she has for you!"

A black woman with plaited red hair appeared now and started talking immediately. "That's right! You might have thought I was taking it easy last week, that while I was sipping on fruit cocktails in the South Pacific, a story for you was the last thing on my mind. Well, you'd be wrong. Wherever I am, and whatever I'm doing, my mission is always the same...gossip, gossip, gossip! So, while I was cruising the ocean blue in one of the world's most luxurious liners, guess which famous couple, that are not a couple, I saw getting very cozy on a moonlit deck?

At this, Kathryn gave a sigh. "Oh, boy."

"You don't know and can't guess? Then I'll give you a clue. Early last year they made history by getting their ship home from the delta quadrant. That's right, Admirals Janeway and Chakotay."

A picture then filled the screen of an almost deserted deck in the moonlight. To the left of the picture, standing before a fancy rail in silhouette, were Kathryn and Chakotay. They were facing each other, their bodies touching, and were holding hands.

"Isn't that a beautiful shot of the moon? Cough. Cough. And before you say it, I know it's hard to make out the couple, but I assure you it's our stellar pair. So, is romance in the air? Has our brave and beautiful Captain fallen in love with her tall, dark and handsome First Officer? Has home, and a long parting, made them realize they love each other? Or was love the supreme sacrifice they made for their crew? Are they in love? Are they just friends? If so, what were they doing holding hands on a luxury cruise liner? Are they vacationing? Were they just visiting? I leave the answers to your own conclusions. All I can say is that every picture tells a story, and I, for one, can't wait to hear the story this one tells."

"Nor can I," the blonde presenter said, "and every viewer of Who's Got The Goss? Well, it seems we do. Stay tuned for more exclusive scoops on those stars we love to see shine. Now, here's Brad Cooper with the weather."

But before the weatherman appeared, the screen flashed blue and disappeared.

"Well," Kathryn said, turning to Chakotay. "It looks like our cat is out of the bag. Or at least, peeping with two eyes."

"Yes," Chakotay laughed. "But we knew it would happen eventually. There are hundreds of people on this ship."

"Including, it seems, undercover journalists."

"You don't believe she was vacationing?"

"On a ship where to be VIP means to be one in three? I somehow doubt it. She was here for a scoop and we were her swoop. But at least she didn't say which ship so I guess she has some scruples. Besides, we were so silhouetted we could be anyone."

"What shall we do? Admit or deny?"

"Must we either?" She wrapped her arms around his neck. "Let's have some fun for a while. Let's keep them guessing."

Chakotay's eyes twinkled. "There's a mischievous side to you, Kathryn Janeway."

"Oh yes. But don't you love it?"

Chakotay smiled. "I love all sides of you."

Kathryn smiled back and then they kissed softly.

* * *

><p>"Oh, this truly is the life," Holly said, lounging two hours later with Kathryn on a luxurious balcony that overlooked a sapphire sea. "Ben and I will definitely have to take a cruise. It sure beats freezing to death on all those ski slopes we spend our vacations on. In fact, I think I'll book us one for the spring."<p>

"What would you do with the kids?" Kathryn asked, sipping on a glass of orange juice that was topped with a stick of cherries.

"Keep them in transporter suspension until we get back," Holly teased. Then she fell serious. "My parents can look after them. They're always complaining that they don't see enough of them. This'll be there chance to see plenty. But, of course, we won't be able to take a cruise as long as this. The most we'll be able to manage is a week or two. I hope two. Ben and I are long overdue some R&R and TLC." She picked up a drink that was identical to Kathryn's. "Speaking of which, how are things going with Chakotay? It's been ages since we talked."

"Very well," Kathryn replied. "The techniques Jackie has recommended have really helped us to build up intimacy, and I'm comfortable now with things that I never thought I could be." Tears filled her eyes. "It's wonderful to be loved this way, Hol...to be touched and...and to feel safe."

"I'm so glad, Kath. And intimacy _ is_ wonderful...in every way."

Kathryn nodded. "With Chakotay it is. He's so gentle and tender and I like that. I need that. I need him. And I don't think it'll be long now before we...you know...before I'm ready."

"That's fantastic, Kath. But don't push yourself. It takes as long as it takes."

The balcony door suddenly opened and Chakotay appeared.

"Hi," Kathryn said, turning towards him. "How was the swim?"

"Wet," he teased. He then presented her with a glittering red box. "This just arrived for you."

Kathryn took the box curiously. "For me? From whom?"

"I don't know," he answered.

Holly spoke. "Maybe it's from a secret admirer. If he saw that show you guys told me about, maybe he thought he'd better get in before it's too late."

"Maybe," Kathryn laughed, "but somehow I..." Her words trailed when she opened the box and saw a red rose inside. "No, you're right. It looks like a romantic overture." Next to the rose was a little gold card and, after picking it up, she read it aloud. "Hi, Kathryn. I want to say I'm sorry I was such a jerk that night we dined at my place. If you can find it in your heart to give me another chance, I'd love to pick up where we left off. I would have been in touch sooner, but I've been in space for months. I think you're an amazing woman and I would love to have you in my life again. Daniel."

"Well, he's certainly got a nerve," Holly cried. "Who the hell does he think he is? Give me that box, Kath, I'll recycle it."

Kathryn closed the box and handed it to her friend. "No doubt he meant well."

"Oh, yes, for himself. It's a good thing he's not here or I'd give him a piece of my mind."

Chakotay picked up a cookie from a plate and sat next to Kathryn. "What will you do? Send him a polite rejection?"

"I guess I'll have to. I can't ignore him."

"I would," Holly said. "After the way he treated you, he doesn't deserve the time of day."

Kathryn lowered her eyes. "He was just being honest, Holl. Not every one can handle issues like mine. You said that yourself."

"I know. But just because he can't handle them, or because he thought he couldn't, didn't give him the right to say no man could. He hit you at your sorest point and that's...it's unforgivable."

"Well," Kathryn said, "it doesn't matter now. I'm with Chakotay and Daniel couldn't be further from my mind. So let's just recycle the box and forget about him."

"Sounds good to me." She got to her feet. "Where's the recycler?"

"In the kitchen next to the replicator. But don't recycle the card, ok? Daniel's address is on it and I'll need that to reply."

"Ok," she answered. "I'll try not to let it accidentally get vaporized."

Kathryn laughed and then Holly left.

* * *

><p>That evening, after an incredible ride on their beloved Oregon trail, Kathryn and Chakotay soaked their muscles in a hot bath. Their cabin's bathroom was grand, having shimmering silver tiles and a large square bath of sparkling crystal, and around the room Kathryn had placed scented castles. As they soaked, Kathryn tenderly washed Chakotay with a sponge, beginning with his back and shoulders and then working her way down his chest, and afterwards he did the same for her. Kathryn cherished the intimacy, the sensations and the closeness, and Chakotay cherished her pleasure.<p>

After their bath, Kathryn and Chakotay dined on the balcony, and then they got ready to attend a play in one of the ship's many theaters. They were going with Patsi and Greg, old Starfleet acquaintances of Kathryn's that were on the cruise too, and they were meeting them in the foyer. For the occasion, Kathryn had replicated a classy blue dress that had a sultry crisscross on the back, and after putting it on she applied some make-up. Then she brushed and bunned her hair and was just finishing it when Chakotay came in. He was already dressed and was wearing a black shirt over white pants.

"I know, I know," Kathryn said, quickly putting on her shoes, "we're running late. But I'm almost ready, honey. Just my shoes to put on and my bag to grab and I'm done."

"I'm afraid I'm not here to hurry you up," Chakotay told her. "I've just received a call from my cousin. There's been a fire at my apartment complex and my presence is needed. That means I'm not going to be able to make the play. I'm sorry."

At this news, Kathryn was visibly disappointed, but she quickly brushed it off. "These things can't be helped. I'll call Patsi and tell her we can't come. She'll understand."

"There's no need for that. You can still go. In fact, I insist that you do. There's no point both of us missing out."

"But don't you want me to come with you to Oregon?"

"There's no need. What ever needs to be done, which I doubt is more than inspect the damage to my apartment, I can do alone. You go to the play as planned."

Kathryn considered, but then conceded. "Ok. But if you need me, get in touch. I'll wear a commbadge."

Chakotay smiled. "Aren't they prohibited in theaters?"

"I'll plead ignorance."

Chakotay laughed. "Ok." He then closed the gap between them and kissed her cheek. "I'll see you later. Enjoy the play."

Kathryn said she would and then Chakotay put on a jacket and beamed out.

* * *

><p>The Waverly Theater, one of the biggest on the ship, was a stylish and modern theater that was designed to impress. It had a large auditorium that circled a round stage, silver seats that were heavenly comfortable, and a domed ceiling that glittered with a million rainbow lights. But as impressed as Kathryn was with the theater, she could not say the same for the play. It was reasonably well written, and certainly well acted, but the story itself was a let down. In fact, had she known what the play was about, she would not have come. Jackie had told her that, as part of the healing process, she should focus on uplifting romantic stories, those that had positive male role models and mature relationships that lasted, but this play was anything but. The main character, a married man in his thirties, was sexually bored of his wife and was eyeing up his considerably older, though sexually voracious, boss. For the entire first act, graphic sexual banter passed between them, and then things started to get physical. As they kissed and groped, plunging each other's mouths with a hot and fierce passion, Kathryn felt a sickness stir inside, a sickness and an all too familiar pain. Clutching her seat, she tried to outride the inner turmoil, the rising panic, but when the couple began to rip each other's clothes off and make aggressive love on his desk, she could endure no more. Pale, and visibly trembling, she turned to Patsi, who was sitting beside her.<p>

"I'm sorry, Patsi," she said, "but I'm not feeling very well. I think I'd better call it a night."

Patsi, a pretty middle-aged woman with short black hair and green eyes, looked at Kathryn in concern. "I think you'd better too. You're terribly pale." She then reached for her bag. "I'll come with you. We'll..."

"No," Kathryn interrupted, "I'll be ok. Chakotay will be back by now."

"But..."

"Really, I'll be fine," Kathryn assured her. "You stay. Please."

Then, not giving the woman a chance to insist, she left.

* * *

><p>Outside the theater, feeling just as sick as she did inside, Kathryn hurried blindly to her cabin. Her heart was pounding, her head spinning, and she hoped with all her heart that Chakotay wasn't back when she got there. She just wanted to be alone. Just wanted to find a place to scream. Those tormenting demons of yesterday, quiet and still for so long, were now screeching horribly as they flew around her mind. The torture was unbearable, an excruciating agony, and when she reached her cabin and found that it was indeed empty, all she could do was rush to the toilet and throw up.<p>

Throw up and up.

And then...

And then she was crying.

Lying on the floor and crying.

Crying and rocking.

Too much pain.

Too many horrible thoughts.

Too many monsters in the mind.

Whisky.

Whisky would silence them.

Banish the shadows.

Take the pain away.

Sobbing, Kathryn got to her feet, hurried into the kitchen, and quickly replicated a bottle. Then, not bothering with a glass, she put the bottle to her mouth and gulped down the mind numbing liquid. Gulped and gulped until she was choking.

And then...

And then Chakotay was there.

"Kathryn? What are you doing?"

"What does it look like?" she said, turning to him tearfully. "I'm drinking."

"What's happened? You're supposed to be at the theater."

"I left. Watching a couple have wild sex over a desk is not my idea of entertainment."

"I see," Chakotay said. "I'm sorry."

"That it's not my idea of entertainment?"

"That you were exposed to that. We should have checked the play's rating before agreeing to go."

"What does the rating matter? The truth is still the truth."

"What does that mean?"

"You know what that means. Because don't deny it, Chakotay. You want sex like that. You want to rip my clothes off and throw me around."

"I will deny it," he said, "because it isn't what I want. But you're far too upset to reason with now. So let's just..."

"Don't lie to me!" Kathryn cried. "It is what you want! It's what all men want! A cougar on heat not a lapcat asleep! A tigress for a tiger! Because I haven't forgotten it, Chakotay! I haven't forgotten what Seska said! A tiger between the sheets with the appetite of a lion! So how do you satisfy it? How do you get your fill? With horny holograms? With voracious blondes that strip you and whip you?"

"Kathryn, I..."

"Or do you prefer the real deal and resort to the vice house? Those seedy sex salons where your every desire is our satisfaction? What do you do, Chakotay? What do you do?"

Seeing that Kathryn was not only upset but getting drunker by the second, Chakotay closed the gap between them and reached for the bottle of whisky. "Give me that bottle."

But before he could take it, Kathryn threw it across the room and it smashed against the wall.

"Go to hell! Go to hell and leave me alone!"

"Kathryn," he protested.

"We're over, Chakotay! Over and done! Because I've had it with men! Had it with the lot of you! All you want is sex! Sex, sex, sex! So get the hell out of here and leave me alone!"

"I'm going no where, Kathryn. I love you and...

"Love me? You don't love me! You love my body! You want my body! You've always wanted it! So what stopped you? What stopped you getting me against a wall on Voyager and pulling down my knickers? You know you wanted to! You want to now!" She seized him by the shirt. "So do it! Take me and be done with it!"

Firmly, but not roughly, Chakotay drew her away. "That's not me, Kathryn, and you..."

"Know it? Like hell I do, Chakotay! All I know is that you're a man! A man like Neal! A man like every other bastard who preys on women! Men of now and men of the past! Because look at history, Chakotay! Look at the facts! It's men who sleep around, men who go to prostitutes, men who love pornography, men who abuse children, men who rape and pillage at the first opportunity! And why? Because you're beasts of lust that can't control yourselves and don't even try!"

"I'm not going to argue with you," Chakotay said calmly, "not when you're..."

"What? Drunk? I'm still right and you know I'm right! But oh, how clever you are! How much to your advantage was the sexual revolution! Get women to act like sluts and call it liberation! To hell with commitment and respect! And you wonder why I prefer the Victorian age? At least men had some decency then! Men like Michael Sullivan who could keep their pants on!"

"Kathryn, you're..."

"Hitting a nerve? Smacking you where it hurts? Then hit back, Chakotay! Hit me and screw me like you want to!" She threw her arms around his neck. "Take me here! You know I can do it drunk! Get between my legs and take me!"

Chakotay tore her away. "I'm not that kind of guy, Kathryn! The only..."

"Then damn you! Damn you! I'll find a man who will! Because there are plenty out there, Chakotay! Plenty just waiting for a lay! And I can think of one right now!" Clumsily, she picked up Daniel's card from a shelf. "Daniel Stevens. A man who ditched me because I'm frigid. Well, I'll go to him right now and show him just how hot I can be!"

"You're going no where, Kathryn. What you need is..."

"Sex! That's all I need! Sex with a man who wants me! So I'm going, Chakotay! I'm going right now!"

"Kathryn..."

Unsteadily, she hit her hand against her chest, hoping to activate her commbadge, but to her dismay she found it was gone.

"Dammit!"

Chakotay seized her now. "Don't make me sedate you, Kathryn. Because unless you calm down I'm going to have to..."

Kathryn shook him loose. "Calm down, calm down! Who the hell's worked up? And don't you dare tell me what to do! I want sex and I want it with Daniel!" She addressed the computer. "Computer, open a channel to Reception."

"Computer," Chakotay countermanded, "belay that."

"Don't!" Kathryn cried. "Computer, open the channel!"

Chakotay seized her again. "Leaving isn't the answer, Kathryn. Drinking isn't the answer. You've got to..."

"What? Kill myself? Because I can't take the pain, Chakotay! I can't live with the pain!"

Chakotay was about to answer when a man spoke over the comm. "This is Reception to Cabin 501. Is everything ok?"

"No," Kathryn cried, breaking free of Chakotay. "I want a beam out."

"The lady doesn't," Chakotay told him. "We're just..."

But the man interrupted him. "Ma'am, give me the co-ordinates and I'll request a beam out immediately."

"I don't know them," Kathryn answered, "but the address is..." she drunkenly picked up Daniel's card, which had fallen to the floor, and strained her eyes to make out its blurred contents. "Admiral Daniel Stevens, Acerage House, Blaston, no Blaketon, Vermont."

"Ok, Ma'am. Stand by for transport."

"Don't do this, Kathryn," Chakotay pleaded. "I love you and..."

But before he could finish, a blue transporter beam engulfed her and she dematerialized.

* * *

><p>When Kathryn rematerialized, she found herself in Daniel's lounge. The lights were low, the drapes drawn, and the man himself was standing before a holographic fire.<p>

"Kathryn," he smiled, "I'm glad you're..." But when he saw the state on her, physically and emotionally, his smile turned to concern and he hurried over to her. "Kathryn, my God, what's wrong?"

"Nothing you can't fix," she declared. "But before we..."

Her words were interrupted by the Computer. "Incoming transport request, Admiral Chakotay."

"Reject it," she ordered. "If you don't then I'm out of here."

Daniel put his hand on her shoulder. "Of course I'll reject it. In fact, I'll blacklist him." He then addressed the Computer. "Computer, deny request. Furthermore, block all subsequent requests and communication from Admiral Chakotay."

The computer bleeped. "Request denied. Block in place."

"Now," Daniel said, squeezing Kathryn's shoulder, "do you want to tell me what's happened?"

"No," she retorted. "I'm not here to chat. I'm here because you and I have unfinished business."

"Yes. But you're in no state to..."

"What? Know what I want? Confess it, Daniel. You're not interested in the long haul. All you want is a good time. Well, I'm offering it to you. Offering you a night of steamy and unbridled sex right here, right now."

At this, Daniel stepped away. "Whatever you think of me, Kathryn, and I'll admit I've given you grounds to not think much, I'm not the kind of guy who takes advantage of vulnerable women. I don't know what's happened tonight, or why you're really here, but I do know that having sex with me isn't going to solve anything. Not for us and not for you."

"Then fine," Kathryn cried. "I'll leave! Because if you don't want what I want then there's nothing more to say!"

"I want you, Kathryn. You know I want you. But not tonight."

"Then not ever because tonight is all I'm offering!"

Needing a drink, Daniel went over to a glass cabinet and poured himself a brandy. "I might not be the most intuitive of souls," he said, "and God knows I'm no psychologist, but its obvious to even me that you're not here for my sake. I don't even think you're here for your own. I think you're here to settle some kind of score with Chakotay." He closed the canister and put it back into the cabinet. "I can't say I blame you. I don't deserve better treatment. But I do care about you, Kathryn. We've known each other for a long time and I'd like to think that, despite everything that has happened, we can still call each other a friend." He walked back to her. "And that's all you really want from me, isn't it? Friendship?"

"I don't know," Kathryn said tearfully. "I don't know what I want. All I know is that...is that I don't want this life. Seven said that to me once, you know? I don't want this life. But I made her have it. Made her have it like being alive makes me."

"You don't mean that, Kathryn. You're drunk and depressed."

"Why wouldn't I mean it? Why wouldn't I know my own mind? Why do you and Chakotay think you know it better? I do mean it. I hate my life."

Daniel put his hand on her shoulder. "Come on, Kathryn. Let me get you a coffee and some sobering meds."

Kathryn shook him loose. "I don't want sobering meds! If I wanted to be sober I wouldn't have got myself drunk! But the thing is, I'm not drunk enough!" With that, she snatched the glass from his hand and downed what was left of the brandy. Then she held it out to him. "If you want to be useful, get me another."

"You've had enough, Kathryn."

"Enough? The only thing I've had enough of is your company! So get me a beam out. Send me home."

"I really don't think that..."

"It's your choice. Either you beam me out or I walk out."

"Ok," he said. "I'll request a transport. Home probably is the best place for you."

He then made the request, which was processed immediately, and before Kathryn knew it she was in the lounge of her house in San Francisco. The blinds were open, the room dark and cold, and outside it was raining.

Still raining.

Raining like her eyes.

Crying like her soul.

Screaming.

Falling.

On the floor.

Rocking and sobbing.

Drifting.

Gone.

END OF CHAPTER THIRTY SEVEN


	38. Chapter 38

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER 38**

The following morning, Kathryn sluggishly stirred awake. Her head was killing, her eyes hurting, and her mind was a hazy blank.

Where was she? Why did she feel like hell?

And then scenes from the night before began to flash through her mind.

The Play. The drinking. Chakotay and Daniel.

Slept with Daniel.

No, he had turned her down, beamed her home.

And then...

And then nothing.

But she wasn't home now. Wasn't on the hard and cold floor of her lounge. Now she was in a bed, the soft and satiny bed she shared with Chakotay on The Nerissa.

But how? How had she got here?

A blank.

Just like so many nights of her life.

Blanks that were best not remembered.

Nights that should never have been lived.

Damn Neal.

Damn Neal for those nights. Damn Neal for the pain.

And then...

And then she was crying.

Crying, rocking and hugging.

Lost Chakotay.

After all she'd done, all she'd said, she had surely lost him.

Lost him forever.

Too much pain.

Didn't want to live.

And then...

And then Chakotay was speaking.

"Don't cry, Kathryn. Everything's ok."

But cry was all she could do.

Cry and rock.

And then...

And then Chakotay was beside her, his strong arms around her.

"Hush, my darling. I love you and nothing has changed between us. Everything's ok."

Kathryn found her voice now. "But it isn't," she wept. "Daniel, I...I'm so sorry."

"Nothing happened with Daniel. Holly called him, at my request, and he told her he'd beamed you home. I went to your house, found you, and brought you here."

"But it would have," she sobbed. "It would have happened if he'd...Oh God, I feel sick..."

"You were drunk, Kathryn, and you were hurting. When you're drunk, and you're hurting, hurting from a certain pain, we both know what you do. It's wrong, and it's destructive, but it's a compulsion that won't easily be laid to rest."

"But I betrayed you...I..."

"You didn't. Betrayal is going behind someone's back, making conscious decisions in our sober mind. You didn't go behind my back. You told me plainly where you were going and why. You'd also called it off between us before you went. In that way, even if you had slept with him you were free to do so. But you didn't sleep with him. Nothing happened. So don't torture yourself. What matters is why you got so upset in the first place. That's what we're going to have to talk about."

"I don't know," Kathryn wept. "I don't know why I got so upset. I just...seeing the play...the sex. It made me feel...I can't describe it. Can't describe the pain. Because I can never be like that...can never... But it's what men want and...and you're a man...and..."

And she could say no more. All she could do was cry.

"It's what some men want, darling," Chakotay said, cradling her. "Just like it's what some women want. And that's ok. Sexual desires differ from person to person. But it isn't what I want. I want what you want. And that's all that matters, that we want the same thing."

"But Seska can't of...can't of liked it gentle...and that...God, it hurts."

"No two relationships are the same, Kathryn. Seska and I had a very physical relationship, but that's all we had. And it wasn't enough. Not for me. I wanted more. I wanted what I have with you."

"But I'm so damaged, Chakotay...so messed up. You'd be better off without me."

"Never say that, Kathryn. I love you and I need you. Yes, you have serious issues, but love doesn't walk away from them. Remember, love understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you today just the way you are."

At these words, Kathryn slowly turned to him. "But is love enough, Chakotay? Because I must have hurt you. And I'm sorry. I'm so very, very sorry."

Tenderly, Chakotay brushed his fingers against her tears. "I know you're fragile, Kathryn. A bird with a broken wing that is just starting to mend. If she tries to fly too soon, or gets caught in a strong wind, then that wing will break again and she will fall. And no, love isn't strong enough on its own to be her safetynet. It takes more than love. It takes understanding, patience, and commitment. I'm not naive enough to think that issues as serious as yours will disappear because I tell you I love you. I know it's not that simple. And I know that, because of your fragility, it only takes something small to break that wing. In this case, it was the play, but it could have been something else...something you read, something someone said. Sooner or later it was bound to happen. We're doing our best to keep to what Jackie advises, but unless we live alone on a planet like we did on New Earth, it's impossible to completely shut out the world, especially as sex infiltrates so many aspects of our culture. And remember what Jackie told both of us. The healing process isn't plain sailing. It means addressing feelings and fears that have been suppressed for years. You're doing well, Kathryn, and I'm proud of you."

"I don't deserve you to be," she said tearfully. "I was out of line, Chakotay. No matter how much I was hurting, I shouldn't have gone to Daniel. I don't even know why I did. I didn't want to. Just like I didn't want to do all that I did all those years. But I can't control it."

"I understand that, Kathryn. I know it was a drunken impulse. But we'll deal with it and move on."

"Can we?"

"Absolutely. So don't torture yourself anymore. We're stronger than what happened last night." He kissed her forehead. "Now, would you like some hangover meds? You must have a hell of a headache."

"I do," Kathryn said. "And I would. Thank you."

"Then I'll fetch some."

With that, he kissed her again, climbed off the bed, and left the room.

When he was gone, Kathryn sat up, hugged her knees, and laid her hurting head upon them. Laid it and closed her aching eyes. Her eyes that had cried so much they couldn't cry no more. And then she rocked. Hugged and rocked. And she was still hugging and rocking when Chakotay returned. From the doorway, a hypospray in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other, he watched her. In that moment, and in that pose, she looked lonelier and more vulnerable than he had ever seen her. Even though they were on this luxurious ship, and presently as unburdened as two people could possibly be, she looked as though she had the cares of the world on her shoulders. Her pain brought tears to his eyes, just as it always did, and he wished he could wish it away. But he couldn't. All he could do was regret its existence. Regret that such a brilliant and brave woman had such a tormented soul. Over the years he had seen her face enemies without flinching, death without fear, bullies without buckling, and defeat without surrender. But love, which was supposed to be a sanctuary from the harms of life, a haven of peace and pleasure, had her running scared. Running because it had hurt her more than any enemy ever could.

"Here," he said, finally going over to her, "a coffee. I'm guessing you need one."

Kathryn looked up and gratefully took the hot beverage. "Thank you."

Chakotay then gently pulled back her wild hair and put the hypospray to her neck. The relief was almost instant and Kathryn sighed.

"Oh, that's better."

"I know you probably don't feel like eating," Chakotay said, "but you need to get something inside you. Join me for lunch on the balcony? I'll make us some sandwiches with that bread we got at the ranch yesterday."

Kathryn's sad eyes looked up into his and, just for a second, they twinkled. "On one condition. You don't put pickles on them."

Chakotay smiled, remembering that special day of long ago. "Deal."

He then put his hand to her cheek and went on his way.

* * *

><p>Half an hour later, now showered and dressed, Kathryn joined Chakotay on the balcony. He had set their table for two and had made a pile of crusty sandwiches that were brimming with lettuce, tomato, cucumber and egg. If Kollie had been around, he would have been begging for one already, but he was presently staying with Gretchen. Next to the sandwiches was a jug of orange juice, beside that a pot of coffee, and in the middle of the table was a vase of summer flowers. As she walked over to the table, Kathryn gave a tentative smile, but her face was very pale and there was still a haunting pain in her eyes. Even though she was a lot older than that dark haired young woman who had waltzed into his life and stolen his heart, it was her Chakotay saw before him. That hurting and lost woman who had breakfasted with him on his verandah after one of too many night's before. He had sensed then her yearning, her longing for a peace that was forever eluding her, and he could sense it now.<p>

"Would you like another coffee?" he asked.

Kathryn nodded. "Please."

Chakotay poured her a coffee, but as he did, Kathryn lowered her eyes and fiddled with her fingers. And then...

And then she was crying.

"I really am sorry about last night," she wept. "Sorry and so ashamed."

At this, Chakotay put down the coffee, got up, and went over to her. "Come here, Kathryn. Let me hold you."

Tearfully, Kathryn got to her feet and leant into his strong body. As she did, Chakotay kissed her and wrapped his arms around her.

"I know you're sorry, darling. I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I wasn't with you at the play and I'm sorry I didn't handle things better. I should never have let things go as far as you going to Daniel. But please don't torment yourself about this any more. I know you love me, Kathryn, and I know you're committed and loyal. Last night was one of those nights when everything that can go wrong does go wrong. Let's just remember it that way."

"But I said some terrible things, Chakotay," she wept. "I can't remember everything, but I remember some. And I'm sorry. I didn't mean them. Not about men and not about Michael."

"I think a part of you meant them, Kathryn, the hurting part. Your life was destroyed by a man, so when you hurt you see him in all men. I felt the same about the Cardassians. It was only a few who destroyed my homeworld, but for a long time I loathed them all. But it was my grief and pain that made me hate them. The rest of me, the logical and humane part, did not. I knew there were good Caradassians, and when things came to a test, when I could either let injured civilians die or risk my own life to save them, I chose to save them. My humanity was more powerful than my hate. And I knew then that I didn't hate them. Not all of them. But in the midst of my pain I thought I did. And that's how it is for you. I know you don't hate men. I don't think you're capable of hating anyone. But fear often parades as hate. When you hurt, when your fears and doubts haunt you, you feel threatened by men. And, when we feel threatened, our natural instinct is to hit out. Even the gentlest of creatures will if a sore wound is prodded. That play opened a wound, made your emotions bleed, and you lashed out."

"You're right," Kathryn said. "I don't hate men. If I did, if I didn't long so much for intimacy with a man, the pain wouldn't hurt so much. I could find myself a woman and make a home with her. And I've kind of wished that, you know? Wished I wasn't attracted to men. But I am. I'm attracted every way...emotionally, intellectually and physically. And that is what has made life so hard. I've yearned for what I fear." A tear ran down her cheek. "But I shouldn't have said all those things, Chakotay. I know they don't apply to all men and I know they don't apply to you. But sex is...is so hard for me. I want it, I yearn for it, but at the same time I fear male desire. I fear what a man expects. I fear being hurt. And, like you said, when I fear I lose my logic. I become so swept up by the pain that I no longer see you for who you are, my Chakotay. I see you only as a man, and men I see only as Neal...predatory and savage."

"I understand, Kathryn. That was once your experience and, over the years, it has been reinforced by the type of men you sought out. I wish I could say they are few and far between, that the history of man is totally different to the history you spoke of, but that would simply be untrue. Men have exploited women for centuries and still do. But men have exploited each other too. Our history is full of territorial and racist struggles and, despite all our advances, not a lot has changed in that respect. There may be peace on Earth but space is a different story. Men can't seem to live in peace, can't seem to use their strength only to do good, and I think that's one of the tragedies of the human condition. When I think of the things human men have done, I sometimes feel ashamed to be a man, but we can only be responsible for our own actions and, if we strive always to only do good, then we should be able to rest with a clear conscience."

At this, Kathryn drew slightly away. "If anyone should, you should," she said. "You've never done anything to be ashamed of, Chakotay. You're a good and kind man and have respect not only for people but for animals. So many people don't. Animals are just there to be used. But you have compassion for all creatures. And let's not forget that women do terrible things too. Women like Seska who exploit, manipulate and kill without thought. If men succumb to sexual temptation easier, and I'm only saying if, then women have taken advantage of that for their own gain. I have myself. When it comes to sexual morals, I'm no one to talk. I just...I wanted to be turned down, you know? I wanted confirmation that to men sex wasn't just about the physical. But, like Jackie says, I looked for that confirmation in the wrong place. The right place was in you and in Mark, but I pushed you both away and slept with losers." Tears filled her eyes. "But I long to be like other women, Chakotay. I long to be as expressive and indulgent. I just fear I never will be."

"You will, Kathryn. You're a kind, warmhearted, woman, and are more expressive that you give yourself credit for. You always reach out a hand when it's needed and have no problem dancing or performing before people. I do. I was never brave enough to take part in any of our talent nights. But you always did and were always sensational. Your confidence and charisma light up a room and you have a gift of making everyone feel special."

"Thank you. But I'm not that confident, Chakotay. Not really. I'm just not shy." A tear ran down her cheek. "It's easy to be larger than life when you're pretending. I knew that's what the crew needed, a larger than life captain who inspired confidence and trust, but inside I was often quite scared." Tearfully, she turned away from him and gazed out at the sea. "I fear that I'll always be scared. That I'll always have to be what I'm not. That I'll always be fighting a losing battle. For some women, maybe men too, that's how it is. They never recover from the trauma. Marriages have failed because of a past rape or abuse."

"Yes, but there are also success stories. Women and men who have gone on to have happy marriages and families. No two cases are the same."

"I know. But for me, happy endings they...they happen to other people. Every time I think I'm winning the war, that the battle is won, in comes another armada and I'm back to where I started."

Gently, Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "You're not, Kathryn. A setback doesn't mean defeat. You know that."

Slowly, Kathryn turned to him. "Yes. And I'm ready to keep fighting. But I'm afraid there'll come a time when I can't anymore. That I won't have the strength."

Chakotay took her hands in his. "Then I'll fight for you. Because you're not alone, Kathryn. We're in this together."

A tear escaped her eye. "But if feels like...like you're constantly paying for another man's crime. And I'm sorry for that, Chakotay. You're the last man who should."

"I don't see it that way, Kathryn. Being with you isn't a punishment. I love you and I love being with you. And I know you know a relationship is about so much more than sex. It's about being in love with your best friend."

"But you deserve sex, Chakotay. I feel like...like I'm denying you a right."

"Sex is never a right, Kathryn. It's always a privilege. A joy to share. In that way, it's no different to anything else we enjoy doing together. When we take a walk, we enjoy it because it gives us mutual pleasure. When we give each other a gift, the joy is in the giving and in the receiving. When we see some wonder in space, or we go swimming or skiing, we enjoy it because we delight in it together. Sex is the same. It's about mutual joy, delight, and pleasure."

"I...I've never thought of it like that."

"No, because you see sex as something a man wants from you, as a physical demand devoid of any affection. But for us it will never be that. I don't want sex from you. I want sex with you. I want us to delight in it together just as we do in so many other things."

Kathryn squeezed his hands. "We will, Chakotay. I love you and I love being intimate with you. The way you touch me, the reverence you show, it's nothing like... I never knew there could be so much pleasure. All my life my body has only really known pain." Another tear ran down her cheek. "Michael was just a hologram, a computer program that I manipulated to be what I wanted him to be. He wasn't real. He wasn't a man with needs and feelings. You are. I know some of the things we do must arouse you, but all these weeks you've put my needs above your own and shown remarkable discipline and restraint. What I said was insulting."

"I know you didn't mean it, Kathryn. If you wanted a holo-lover you wouldn't be with me. But you don't want a holo-lover. You want a real relationship and that shows how far you've come. And that's what I want too. A real relationship with the woman I love. I've never had sex with holograms or with ladies of the night. More importantly, I don't want to."

"I said you did, didn't I? I said... " She broke away from him and looked out at the sea again. "But I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have said all that. I just...I thought it was true. I thought holograms were how you took care of your needs on Voyager."

"No," he replied. "What gave you that idea?"

"What you said about Michael...you know, that you never let the fact that holograms aren't real get in your way."

"I was talking about harmless flirtation, Kathryn, about having some fun. I know a lot of people are intimate with holograms, but it's never been for me and not something I would encourage. There's something very dangerous about having this perfect someone we can conjure up and live a fantasy life with. They can be everything we want and need, the perfect lover, yet set us up for a lifetime of holo-sex addiction and unsatisfying real relationships."

"That's what Jackie says, that she never encourages intimacy with holograms, even for people like me. Over the years she's seen too many lives ruined by it. And I can understand how someone gets trapped in that hell. What I didn't like about Michael, I changed, and by doing that I was not only turning him into the perfect lover but into a man I could control. It wasn't good, and I knew it wasn't good, but I was so lonely that I couldn't help myself. But I never had sex with him. I'd programmed him to have the values of the day so he didn't expect it. The most we did was kiss. I wouldn't have slept with him, anyway, even if I'd wanted to, not on the holodeck, not on my ship." She paused. "The Doctor encouraged me to pursue a relationship with him, saying it could be the solution to all my problems, but The Doctor's views on the subject will never be objective. To him, Michael was as real as you. But he wasn't as real as you. And he wasn't you. It was still you I wanted, still you I loved. In a way, I think I was only attracted to him because he reminded me of you. I can't say how, exactly, because you were very different, but maybe because he was gentle too. And I need that. I need gentleness."

"I know you need that, Kathryn, and I want only to be gentle with you."

Tearfully, Kathryn put her hand to his cheek and then slipped her arms around his neck and hugged him. "I'm so lucky to have you. I know I've said it before, but I am. And I love you so much. That's why I was so upset. I was afraid I couldn't be enough for you, that you couldn't love me the way I love you, that for you love is just sexual. I know it isn't, that I was overreacting, but the play hurt so much. It was meant to be a comedy, and everyone seemed to be laughing, but for me it just hurt. Not just because of the things done, but because of the things said."

Chakotay gently drew her away. "What kind of things, Kathryn? What was the play about?"

"A man who was sexually bored of his wife and having an affair with his boss. There were lots of jokes about his wife being a prude, his boss being a cougar, and how unnatural monogamy is for the sex hungry male born only to sleep with as many women as he can."

"That's nonsense, Kathryn. I know some biologists claim that, but quite frankly I find it insulting. Men are not just physical beings. We are spiritual and intellectual beings with a mind. That's what sets us apart from the animals and defines the very essence of our humanity. We are thinkers. And that's one of the reasons I'm a man of faith. I don't believe we evolved from chance, that we are driven only by physical urges to maximise our survival. From that perspective, yes, sex is the crux of our existence because without it we become extinct. No, I believe that love is the core of our existence. I believe the Great Spirit made us with love, that we are conceived in love, and that we are born to love. In that way, love is the entirety of our being. We come from love, we live to love, and when we die we return to love."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "That is such a...such a beautiful thought."

"Yes, and I believe it with my whole heart." Tenderly, he wiped away her tear. "Others feel differently, and that is their right, but before you start drinking and smashing up bottles, come to me for my opinion, ok?"

Kathryn nodded and then hugged him again. Chakotay wrapped his arms around her and hugged her back. For a long time they held each other, the warm embrace soothing the pain of Kathryn's hurting heart, but finally she drew away.

"I've been so wrapped up in myself," she said, "that I haven't even asked about your apartment. How is it?"

"Fine," he answered. "The fire was in another part of the building and was easily contained."

"I'm glad. Your apartment is amazing and I'd like us to keep it as a second home. We might need it if the weather gets too severe at the lodge or we lose power." She paused and lowered her eyes. "That is if you still want us to live together."

Tenderly, Chakotay put a finger under her chin and raised her head. "Of course I do. As I said, nothing has changed between us. I love you and I want to be with you."

Kathryn smiled, tears in her eyes. "Ditto."

Chakotay smiled back, kissed her forehead, and then held her again

END OF CHAPTER THIRTY EIGHT


	39. Chapter 39

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER 39**

A blanket of autumn leaves covered Bluebell Park. Walking through it in lamplight with Holly, who was walking her dog there like she did every night, Kathryn thanked her friend for all she had done the night before.

"I'm just glad you're ok," Holly said. "That you and Chakotay are ok. I was really worried."

"Me too. After everything I did, everything I said, I thought I'd lost him for sure. In fact, when I woke up this morning and remembered what had happened, I just wanted to die. But then he was beside me, holding me, and the deadness inside came alive again. But I didn't deserve that comfort, not after what I did."

"You were drunk, Kath, and you were hurting. Chakotay understands that."

"Yes. And he's been amazing. After the play, my head was in chaos, but he's helped me navigate my way to a sane place. I just worry, you know, that I'm too much to handle. He doesn't need any of this. There's been enough heartache in his life."

"No one needs any of this, Kath. No one deserves the hurt you've been through. But love doesn't walk away from that hurt. Love doesn't leave us stranded in the gutter. It stoops and lifts us out. If it doesn't, if it walks on by, then it isn't really love."

"I know. But when I think about what I would have done with Daniel if he'd...it makes me feel sick."

"Then don't think about it. Who's to say you'd have gone through with things anyway? I don't think you would have. You love Chakotay too much. If you'd really wanted to pick someone up you'd have gone to a bar. You wouldn't have gone to an acquaintance. You knew Daniel would turn you down. He may be a jerk, but he's not so much of a jerk that he'd take advantage of a drunk friend."

"Maybe you're right. Maybe that's what I was thinking. I can't remember. Everything's kind of fuzzy. But you didn't say anything to him, did you? I mean, about what he said before?"

"No. I wanted to, but I bit my tongue."

"I'm glad. It's going to be hard enough facing him as it is. I made such a fool of myself. I just hope that our paths don't cross for a long time."

"He'll get over it. I'm sure he has already. All that matters is that you and Chakotay have come through this."

"Yes. And I'm determined to put last night behind us and move on. Things have been going so well and I don't want this to set us back."

"It won't, Kath, not if you learn from the experience. When something like this happens, it shows there are still unresolved issues that need resolving."

"I know. I'm clearly not as fully healed as I thought I was. But I'm getting there. Intimacy is still hard for me, and I constantly need reassuring that Chakotay loves me for me and not for sex, but I'm getting there." She paused. "I just wish I could get there faster. I want so much to be the passionate woman that Chakotay deserves. I just don't know if I ever can be. Passion...a man's passion...it still scares me. I just want...just want the gentle...just want to be loved."

Holly stopped walking and turned to her. "And you can have that, Kath. Intimacy can be what you want and need it to be. And, as things grow with Chakotay, you might find that what you want and need changes. Don't try to look that far."

"You're right," Kathryn conceded. "I can't possibly know how I'll feel in the future." She then smiled. "But I know how I feel right now, and that's cold. Shall we grab ourselves a coffee from that stall over there?"

"Oh, you're not cold," Holly laughed. "You just can't resist the aroma."

Kathryn laughed too. "You got me. But shall we?"

"Yes," Holly smiled. "Let's."

The two women then linked arms and walked towards the stall.

* * *

><p>When Kathryn arrived back on <em>The Nerissa<em>, she found Chakotay waiting for her on the balcony. He was dressed smartly in a white shirt over beige pants, and on the table before him was a silver hamper.

"Hi," he smiled. "Did you enjoy the walk?"

"I enjoyed the coffee we had on it," she teased. "But what's with the hamper? Are we having a picnic?"

"We are. That is, if you'd like to. I know this beautiful spot on an amazing uninhabited island not far from here."

"Really? Then just give me five minutes to freshen up."

"Take ten," he smiled.

Kathryn smiled back and, as she did, the last remaining tension between them dissolved.

"You know," she said, "if there's some water on this island...I mean, a pool or a lagoon or something...then maybe we can do some swimming. What do you say?"

"That I've already packed a swimsuit and trunks."

Kathryn smiled again, gazed into his eyes, and then went on her way.

* * *

><p>Two hours later, after an exhilarating swim in a magnificent lagoon, Kathryn and Chakotay sat beside the water eating their picnic. The sky was on fire, as the hot pacific sun was setting, and the pool's crystal water burnt red.<p>

"Oh, we truly are in paradise," Kathryn said. "This place is magical."

"It truly is," Chakotay replied. "And I hope it will always be special to us."

With that, he reached into the hamper, fiddled inside, and pulled out a small wooden box. It was oak in color and had the symbol of his people carved on the lid.

"I've wanted to give you this for a long time," he said, "but the moment was never right. I believe it is now."

Kathryn took the box curiously and carefully opened it. Inside, lying on silver cloth, was a beautiful gold ring that was studded with tiny diamonds.

"This ring belonged to my grandmother," Chakotay went on. "When I left the tribe, she gave it to me and told me to give it to the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with...my karakaton...what you would call a soulmate. My grandfather had given it to her and his grandmother to him. She believed it would bestow the blessing of my ancestors and serve as a reminder that love transcends time. You're my karakaton, Kathryn, my soulmate, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know we said we wouldn't talk about forever, that we'd take things day by day, but I want to talk about forever. I love you with all that I am and I love you for you. I don't ever want you to doubt that again the way you did last night. So marry me, Kathryn. Marry me and let me have the privilege of calling myself your husband."

With tears in her eyes, Kathryn looked up into his. She wanted to marry him, wanted to say yes with all her heart, but there were a million reasons why she should say no. Not least that bridge they still needed to cross. But, as she looked into his eyes and saw how much this meant to him, all her doubts and fears melted away. If he was ready to take that step, that giant step made only on a leap of love, then so was she. To hell with caution. It was time to listen to her heart.

"I will," she declared. "I will."

Chakotay smiled, his joy radiant, and then he got to his feet and opened his arms to her. Kathryn raised herself into them and held him tight. Then, after a joyful kiss, Kathryn looked again at the ring. It truly was beautiful and, inside, she noticed something that made her heart skip a beat.

An engraved lizard.

A symbol of wisdom and good fortune to his people.

And her animal guide.

Another amazing stitch in the fabric of time weaving their lives together.

"I don't believe it," she said. "The lizard it..." Then, remembering that she wasn't supposed to reveal the identity of her animal guide, she bit her lip. "Well, it's...it's perfect."

Chakotay smiled and, from the look in his eyes, Kathryn could tell he had guessed what she meant. Then he spoke.

"The ring should be a perfect fit too as I've had it adjusted to your size. Shall I put it on you?"

"No," she answered. "Let's not make it an engagement ring. Let's make it a wedding one. Because if we're going to do this, let's do it right away. If we don't, I might lose the courage."

Chakotay raised an amused eyebrow. "Right away as in right now?"

Kathryn nodded. "We can find ourselves a registrar, invite Mom, Phoebe, Holly and Aunt Martha, and get married somewhere special. Somewhere special to the both of us. What do you say?"

"That I'm there already. But where do you have in mind? Voyager?"

"Maybe. Or maybe a place by the sea."

Chakotay smiled, an idea coming to him. "Leave it to me. I'll do the venue, you do the people."

"Ok, deal."

They then gazed at each other happily and hugged again.

END OF CHAPTER THIRTY NINE


	40. Chapter 40

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER 40**

In the bedroom of her childhood home in Indiana, the sky outside black and starry, Kathryn looked at herself in a long mirror. A gorgeous gown of shimmering white satin graced her slim body, a gown that fell off her shoulders and kissed her knees, and adorning her hair, which was swept up in a fancy bun, was a glittering diamond tiara. Around her neck was the beautiful shell necklace Chakotay had made, an adornment that did not look out of place as the shells were small and ornate, and on her feet were stylish highheel shoes that matched her dress. As she looked at herself, so regal and elegant, Kathryn could hardly believe she was the same woman whose reflection had been such a mess only hours earlier. There was no sign of that woman now. No sign of the hurting girl that had haunted her for so long. On that night, all those years ago, her life had changed forever when she'd walked away from a mirror. One moment she had been an idealistic young woman with a lifetime of love to look forward to, the next a shattered soul with nothing but broken dreams and emptiness inside. Now her life was to change forever again. Change forever when she left a mirror. Only this time it was a change for the better. Instead of walking from heaven to hell, she would be walking from hell to heaven. Those lost dreams of yesterday were hers once again, and that hurting young girl that lived deep inside her could once more look forward to a lifetime of love.

A lifetime of love with Chakotay.

A lifetime of love with the love of her life.

For even though she had loved Justin every bit as much, it was Chakotay that had always been in her life. He'd be then there all those years ago at the public lecture, he had been there that day at his lodge, and he had been there for the last decade. Now he would be at her side from this day forward.

No more running, no more hiding. The door before her was wide open, and through it she could see not a dark and cold room of horrors, but a garden that led to a beach. A beautiful beach where she would live and love for the rest of her life.

And she couldn't wait for that life to start. Even though marriage was a huge step, and one she had never thought she would make, she had no doubts. Even if things didn't work out, and they got divorced, the pain could not hurt more than she had hurt that morning. In the depths of that dark despair, she had truly thought she'd lost Chakotay, lost him forever, and the pain had been more than she could bear.

"When I said happiness is sometimes worth taking a chance on her," her mother's voice suddenly teased, "I didn't think you'd take me quite so literally."

At these words, Kathryn turned around and found her mother standing in the doorway. The tall woman was wearing a classy blue dress beneath a white jacket and on her head was a pretty blue hat.

"Well," Kathryn smiled, "you know me, always grabbing the bull by the horns."

Her mother closed the gap between them. "In this case, a very handsome and charming one." She then looked at her daughter with moist eyes. "But you're beautiful too, Katie. Beautiful and radiant." Tenderly, she put her hand to Kathryn's cheek. "My beautiful and brave little girl. Because that's what you'll always be to me, my little girl. My darling goldenbird who's had her wings broken one time too many and yet somehow always rises like a phoenix from the ashes. I'm so proud of you, Katie. I'm proud of everything you've achieved and everything you are. And, right now, I'm willing to bet I'm the proudest mother of the bride that ever lived." A tear ran down her cheek. "If your father was here, he would be proud too. But I like to think he is, Katie. I like to think that somehow, in the great somewhere, he's looking down on us. Looking down and telling me for God's sake not to get all blubbery and cry on your dress."

Kathryn laughed softly, tearful herself.

"So, before I do, let me give you this." With that, Gretchen reached into a pocket of her jacket and pulled out a silver box. Inside it, shining in the light, was a gleaming gold ring that was engraved with exquisite leaves. "This ring belonged to your Daddy's father," she went on, "and was given to me when Uncle Len died. As Chakotay is giving you a ring that has been in his family for generations, I thought you might want to give him this. It's made of Irish gold and is close enough to his size to fit comfortably."

"Oh, Mom," Kathryn said, "I would love to give him this. I remember Grandpa wearing it, and I remember how special it was to him because it was a gift from Grandma." She looked up at her mother. "Thank you. This makes everything perfect. Giving Chakotay a plain gold ring felt so wrong when he's giving me such a special one."

"That's what I thought. But now you can give him a special one too." She then took a small white velvet box out of her pocket and handed it to Kathryn. "But I'd better give you this back incase I give you the wrong ring during the ceremony. As I'll probably be crying all through it that's very likely."

"I'll probably be crying too," Kathryn said. "I never thought this day would come for me."

"I never thought it would come so soon," Gretchen teased. "But when two people love each other as much as you and Chakotay clearly do, it can only ever be right."

Tearfully, Kathryn drew her mother close. "Thanks, Mom. Not just for everything you've done today but for always. I know it can't have been easy for you, me practically living in space my whole life, but from now on everything is going to be different. No more deep space, no more colonies. From now on I stay on Earth."

"You won't be able to resist the call of the stars, darling," Gretchen said, drawing away. "They're in your soul. But I know the reason you were gone so long was because it hurt too much to stay. And, as much as I missed you, I was glad that in space you had some escape from a grief that was too great to bear." She put her hand to Kathryn's cheek. "I've always wanted you and Phoebe to follow your heart, to have the strength and courage to pursue your dreams, and I'm proud that you've both, in your different ways, done that. And I'm proud that you're doing that today."

Kathryn took her mother's hand in hers. "Thank you for showing me how, for always believing in me and for helping me to believe in myself. I would never have achieved all that I have without you. And I want you to know that I love you."

Gretchen squeezed her hand. "I love you too, Katie. So very, very much." Then she stepped away and wiped a tear from her eye. "But now I'm getting all blubbery again so let's get going before we both need to redo our make-up."

"Agreed," Kathryn smiled.

Then, as Kathryn put down the box she was holding, Gretchen picked up the bridal bouquet and presented it to her daughter. It was a beautiful bouquet, made of white and silver roses mixed with pink shells, and Kathryn held it gracefully before her. Gretchen shed more tears at the sight, and then she requested the transport Chakotay had booked for them. It came in seconds and they both dematerialized.

* * *

><p>When they rematerialized, Kathryn expected to find herself in the lodge's majestic lounge, but it was not the lodge she found herself in. It was somewhere else. Somewhere she recognized and yet did not recognize. Chakotay's cave. Red roses were all around her, above her were twinkling silver lights, and beneath her feet was a shimmering cloth of gold. To her left, in a white suit that had a silver waistcoat, Chakotay was standing with a black man who was evidently the registrar. Next to them, upon a narrow table that was adorned with a sparkling white cloth, was the beautiful two-tiered wedding cake she had selected, and beside it, in a bucket of ice, were two bottles of champagne. There were also crystal glasses, one for each guest, and they glittered in the light. To Kathryn's right were Holly, Phoebe, and Aunt Martha, and they were clad in dresses of pink, lemon and green respectively. Beyond them, and beyond the cave, a storm was battering a black sea, but a breathing forcefield was evidently in place as the cave was warm and the wind and rain could not be heard. All that could be heard was heavenly music.<p>

Heaven.

Truly, she was in heaven.

"Oh, Chakotay," she said tearfully. "It's all so wonderful."

Chakotay, as enraptured by Kathryn as she was by the cave, closed the gap between them and put his hand on her shoulder.

"This is where I fell in love with you," he said, "and this is where I want to commit my life to you." He gazed deep into her eyes. "And you look incredible. I've never seen you look more beautiful."

Kathryn smiled through tears and then, despite the onlookers, kissed his lips.

"Oye," Phoebe teased, "that's for after the vows."

Everyone laughed and then the registrar spoke.

"Shall I begin?"

"Yes," Kathryn said, smiling at Chakotay. "Let's begin."

* * *

><p>When the vows were made, and the rings were exchanged, Kathryn and Chakotay sealed their union with a kiss. The guests cheered, and then, after all due congratulations were made, the registrar beamed out so they could all celebrate in private. As soon as he was gone, Aunt Martha opened a bottle of champagne, and they all laughed as a fountain of foamy bubbles cascaded over them. Then, after a toast, Kathryn and Chakotay cut the cake, posing momentarily for Phoebe who was taking pictures, and then Kathryn served them all a slice. The cake was a traditional wedding cake, with fruit, marzipan and icing, but to everyone's amusement the marzipan was strawberry flavored and the icing coffee.<p>

"Well," Holly said to Kathryn as they stole a moment alone, "who'd have thought things would end this way this morning?"

"I know," Kathryn replied. "This morning I was in hell, but now...now I'm in heaven. And I'm determined to make things work. This is a new start for us, a new beginning, and I truly feel like I've left the old life behind. Not that I'm saying a wedding is a magic cure, it isn't, but it makes me feel different. It makes me feel like I've reached a milestone I never thought I would. And, from that milestone, I can see a horizontal road ahead. One with twists and turns, dips and hills, but with no towering mountains to climb or cliffs to fall off." She paused. "Some people might say we're doing the wrong thing, that we should wait until...you know...but all I can say is that it's the right thing for me."

Holly put her hand on Kathryn's shoulder. "And that's all that matters, Kath. It's your life and your marriage. But, for what it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing. There comes a point in all our lives when we have to make a leap of faith. For the first time in your life, Kathryn the woman has."

At this, tears filled Kathryn's eyes and she put her hand over Holly's. "Thanks, Holl. Those words are worth a lot."

Phoebe approached now and took Kathryn by the arm. "Come on, Kath. Before we all leave this glittering grotto, the bride and groom must share a dance."

"Oh, but there's hardly any space," Kathryn protested.

"There's plenty," Aunt Martha declared. "So play your song, Katie, and give us a twirl."

"We don't really have a song," Kathryn said. "Chakotay and I prefer classical music."

"Then pick your favorite piece," Gretchen smiled. "A waltz will do us fine."

"Oh, ok," Kathryn laughed. "You all win. Computer, play Brahms opus 39, number 15."

Immediately, the present music changed to the beautiful Brahms Waltz. As it did, Kathryn held out her hand to Chakotay and he took it with a kiss. Then he drew her into his arms and they swayed to the music. Gretchen watched with wet eyes, as did Holly, and when the dance finished the happy onlookers clapped.

"Now I declare you well and truly hitched," Phoebe teased. "But there's still one more thing. Right, ladies?"

"Right," Aunt Martha smiled. "On the count of three. One, two..."

On three, the four ladies threw confetti over the bride and groom, and the newly weds laughed as a shower of glittering stars rained down upon them.

* * *

><p>After the celebrations were over, and everyone had said goodnight and goodbye, Kathryn and Chakotay were alone in the cave. Not ready to leave yet, they topped up their glasses of champagne and made a toast.<p>

"To us," Chakotay said. "To the love we share, the friendship we cherish, and to the memories we have yet to make."

Kathryn knocked her glass against his. "To us and to that."

They sealed the toast with a kiss, and then Chakotay gazed deep into his bride's eyes.

"I love you, Mrs Chakotay."

Kathryn smiled. "I love you, Mr Janeway."

They kissed again and then linked their left hands, their wedding rings touching.

"I'm glad our rings are so special," Chakotay said. "Even though any ring you gave me would be, knowing ours come with the love of our ancestors makes them all the more so."

"Yes. And I'm never going to take mine off."

Chakotay smiled. "Not doing so will tell the Federation about us."

"Maybe. But then maybe not. As our rings are unconventional, like us, they could mean anything." Her eyes twinkled. "In fact, they could add to the fun...make all the guessers guess harder."

Chakotay laughed. "There is that."

"But even if they do guess, I don't care. We've hidden our feelings for long enough. It's time now for everyone to know just how much we mean to each other." She squeezed his hand. "And you mean more to me than I can ever put into words. This truly has been the happiest day of my life. The fact that this morning was so terrible doesn't mar it. In fact, the pain then only makes now better. For me, I've so often gone from heaven to hell. Yesterday was like that. It started out so perfectly and then...and then it was hell. But today I've gone from hell to heaven. That tells me that things really have changed, that this really is a new beginning, and that love, real love, truly can turn things around." Tears filled her eyes. "When I was a child, I always imagined having a fancy wedding in a magnificent castle, but no castle could ever be as wonderful to me as this cave tonight. In it, all my dreams have come true, and in it I have married the man of my dreams. For you are, Chakotay. You're everything, and more, that my girlish heart ever dreamt of. And it's her I feel inside me tonight, that little girl who dreamt of castles and knights in shining armor, not the hurting girl that has lived inside me for so long. While I know she isn't quite at peace yet, she isn't crying anymore, isn't hurting, and that's all down to you. So thank you, Chakotay. Thank you for still loving me when you had every reason to stop."

Tenderly, Chakotay brushed his fingers against her cheek. "Thank you for loving me, Kathryn. Thank you for trusting me. Because it's our love that has gotten us this far. Not mine, not yours, but ours. And it's ours that will see us through to the end. This truly is a new beginning, a new chapter in the book of our lives, and our story from now on is going to be happy one. For no matter what the future brings, we'll face it together, you and me, side by side. Nothing can break us. We'll come through every storm, just like we did on Voyager."

Kathryn nodded. "We will. You and me...unstoppable."

Then, needing to hold him, Kathryn put down her glass, took his from him, and wrapped her arms around his neck. Chakotay returned her embrace and they held each other for a long time. Then, finally, Chakotay drew away.

"You know," he said, "you still owe me a dance on the beach."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow. "I hope you're not suggesting I dance in this tempest."

"I could extend the forcefield. It has the capability."

"And trip over my own feet as they sink into soggy sand? I really don't think that..." Then she laughed when she saw a familiar teasing twinkle in his eye. "Oh, you're joking."

"Yes. But when do I get my dance?"

"When the sea isn't in and when it isn't raining. Can I help it that it's one or the other every time we come here?"

"So long as you haven't forgotten."

At this, Kathryn returned her arms to his neck. "Never. That's why I chose the Brahms waltz. I'm saving Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy just for you."

Chakotay smiled and then they kissed again.

"Warning," the Computer blared. "Forcefield failure is imminent."

"Well, what do you know," Kathryn laughed. "A good thing you weren't serious about the dance."

"Yes," he smiled.

"But it's probably a sign that it's time for us to leave. Shall we?"

Chakotay gave a nod. "I think we'd better." He then addressed the computer. "Computer, end holographic display."

Almost instantly, the roses, the lights, and the golden cloth beneath them disappeared. All that was left was the table. Not wanting to leave it exposed to the elements, Chakotay recycled the glasses and bottles while Kathryn took care of the table cloth. What was left of their cake had gone home with Gretchen, and the bridal bouquet with Aunt Martha. Then, when everything was recycled, Chakotay folded the table away and slotted it inside his cupboard where it belonged. As he did that, Kathryn looked around the empty cave that only minutes before had been such a wonder. Now it was just a cave. A rugged cave with black walls. But a cave that always had been, and always would be, so very special.

"All done," Chakotay said, rejoining Kathryn. "Ready?"

Kathryn nodded. "Ready."

Chakotay then told the computer to deactivate the forcefield and it disappeared with flash. As it did, a fierce wind swept into the cave and blew Kathryn and Chakotay backwards. Laughing, they grabbed on to each other, and then Chakotay requested a beam out. It came in seconds and, laughing still, they dematerialized.

END OF CHAPTER FORTY


	41. Chapter 41

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER 41**

**A MONTH LATER**

High on the Austrian Alps, sitting at a table in a large cafeteria, Kathryn looked out at a busy ski slope. It was a slope for beginners, therefore kinder and calmer than the run she and Chakotay had just skied on, and was mostly occupied by children. They were laughing as they skied, laughing and shouting, and it warmed Kathryn's heart to see their joy.

Home.

Voyager truly was home.

Even now, after almost two years back in the Alpha Quadrant, she still had to pinch herself from time to time.

"Hi, there," a familiar voice suddenly said. "What a surprise to see you here!"

Kathryn turned from the window to see Jackie standing before her. The petite woman was, like herself, clad in skiing gear and had a pink helmet under her arm. Her blonde hair, usually swept back from her face in a ponytail, was loose, and on her hands were silver gloves.

"What a surprise indeed!" Kathryn replied. "And in more ways than one! I didn't think you existed outside your office."

Jackie laughed. "I assure you I do. At least, I exist here and at my apartment."

"An avid skier?"

"Oh, yes. I come whenever I get the chance. In fact, I regularly compete in contests."

"Really? That's impressive. Won any?"

"Not yet, but I've come second many times." She took off her gloves. "Are you here alone?"

"No, I'm with Chakotay. He's getting us drinks. As you can see, there's quite a queue."

"There certainly is. Which kind of makes me think twice about joining it. As much as I love their sugar-frost hot chocolates, I hate to queue."

"Me too. Which is why I've sent Mr Patience. But, if you're here alone, why don't you join us? I can tell Chakotay to get you a hot chocolate. It'll save you a lot of time."

Jackie smiled. "I'd like that, thank you."

Kathryn smiled back. "Then sit yourself down and I'll go tell him."

As Jackie took off her coat and sat, Kathryn got up and went to find Chakotay. He was now mid-way through the queue, but it would be least another ten minutes before he got served. When she'd given him Jackie's order, Kathryn returned to her table and sat again.

"A sugar-frost hot chocolate will soon be yours," she said, "and mine. It sounds like something I must try at least once before I die."

"Oh, definitely," Jackie smiled. "It's the finest hot chocolate in the quadrant."

"Chakotay's having a strawberry fire. As he's as addicted to strawberries as I am to coffee, he can't resist it."

"And he's in for a treat. It's absolutely delicious. My sister will have nothing else."

"Does she compete too?"

"No, but she could if she wanted. She's fast and fearless and hard to beat."

"Chakotay is too. And not just on skies. I've yet to win a horse race against him. But as soon as spring comes, and we can ride the trail by our lodge again, I'll have him beat. I hate to lose, or at least, I hate to never win."

Jackie smiled. "A psychologist might have something to say about that."

"Yes," Kathryn laughed. "A psychologist might."

"What are your plans for Christmas? Will you be spending it on the ship or with family?"

"Both. We'll be staying on the ship but will go to my Aunt Martha's for Christmas dinner. It's kind of a family tradition. I wish we could cut short the cruise and spend Christmas at the lodge, as it's snowing there now and there's something about snow that makes Christmas feel more like Christmas, but unfortunately there's still a lot of work to be done inside." She paused. "What about you? What are your plans for Christmas?"

"I'm going with my partner to visit his family on Kardis Prime. We'll spend Christmas with them and then travel back to Earth for New Year."

"Kardis Prime, his family must be brave. It's hotter than the Sahara in the coldest part."

"Yes, but as half-Klingons, the climate suits them well."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow. "Half Klingons? Both of them? That's got to make for a fiery family. Maybe you're the brave one."

Jackie laughed. "Maybe. It's certainly a madhouse there at times. But, ironically, I think it's harder on Tim than on me. Despite his heritage, he's such a gentle soul." She paused. "Speaking of which, how are things going with Chakotay? Anything special to tell me?"

At this, Kathryn lowered her eyes. "No. I'm ready, I believe that, I just..." Tears filled her eyes. "I thought I was ready in the past but I wasn't. I'm afraid of history repeating itself."

Gently, Jackie put her hand on Kathryn's. "You're not the same woman you were then, Kathryn. You've faced up to your past and you've built up a loving relationship with Chakotay. All that's left is for nature to take its course. Because remember, there's nothing more natural than making love with someone you love."

"I know. And with Chakotay, it feels natural. Being intimate with him is wonderful and beautiful and I know making love with him will be amazing too. I finally feel free of the past, like I'm not haunted anymore. Things were going well before the play, but since that night everything has been infinitely better. It's like we got everything out into the open that night, addressed things I didn't know I still felt. I also like that we're married. I can't explain it, but it makes a difference."

"It does for some people, Kathryn. And I can explain it. Not only are you the kind of person that likes definitive parameters, but for so long your personal relationship with Chakotay was defined by what it couldn't be. Every day that you were in a command structure, sex was the defining article that barred you from a relationship. Virtually everything else you could do with him. This made sex taboo and worsened any negative feelings you already had. As I've said before, it really wasn't good. In fact, it was seriously damaging to someone with your history. But marriage has redefined your relationship again. It makes intimacy legitimate. That helps a lot of people. Not everyone, many wouldn't consider marrying someone they haven't slept with, but for others marriage is essential to the healing process, whether that's for religious reasons or just because they need that level of commitment."

"I didn't know how much I needed it until I had it," Kathryn said. "And what you say makes sense. I do like things defined and boxed. Before, it felt like we were in no man's land, that I couldn't see further than tomorrow, but now I feel like I know what we are and where we're heading. The clarity and security of that helps me. I think a part of me was afraid of surrendering to him completely in case one day he was gone. But now that we're married I really do feel like it's forever." She paused. "But as much as I enjoy the intimacy, and I do enjoy it, sometimes I still find it hard to...to be underneath." A tear escaped her eye. "You once said that some women are never comfortable with it and...and I'm afraid I'm one of them, that I'll never be normal."

Jackie squeezed her hand. "First, you are normal, Kathryn. I've told you that before. If your feelings and fears weren't a normal response to what you've been through then I wouldn't know how to help you. Yes, normal differs, but it's still normal. Many women are going through the same thing. Strong women, brave women, intelligent women. And many, throughout history, have suffered in silence in a world that didn't understand their pain. Second, if you are still finding that position difficult, even if only sometimes, that's ok. There are many different ways of making love and a couple has to find the right way for them. You may find that in time your discomfort changes, it does for some, but for now just do what feels natural and good. You've done really well, Kathryn, and I'm proud of you. While I've seen patients with problems far worse than yours, patients who find it hard to even hug someone as they've never been shown affection, your case was a serious one. When you first came to me, I didn't know how far you'd get down the road to recovery. I thought you'd take the other option and spend your life alone. I hoped you'd make it, as I do with all my patients, but sadly there are always those that don't. Life isn't kind to everyone and some people never find the support and love they need. But you have a good man in Chakotay and that makes all the difference. So don't be ashamed of what you've been through and don't be ashamed of your limitations. Some of my patients have taken twice as long to come half as far."

"Thank you," Kathryn said. "And thank you for everything you've done for me over the last two years. You gave me hope in a time when I didn't have any. You also made me realize that I'm not alone. For so long I felt that, that I was alone. I didn't think anyone would understand my pain or be able to help. But you've done both."

"And it's been a privilege. But I hope this isn't goodbye. I hope to hear all about your Christmas at our next session. Maybe by then you will have something special to tell me."

"I think I will," Kathryn smiled. "And no, this isn't goodbye."

Chakotay arrived now, a silver tray in his hands, and upon the tray were their drinks. The sugar-frost hot chocolates looked every bit as delicious as they sounded, having a mountain of cream on top covered with sugar crystals and chocolate chunks, and the strawberry fire was also delightful. This hot strawberry milkshake was topped with whipped cream and decorated with a luscious strawberry.

"Oh my," Kathryn said when she saw them. "These truly are fiendish! You'd better tell me they don't have a coffee version or I'll never be leaving!"

"They don't," Jackie laughed. "But they do have a banana hot boat, which is pretty much the same thing but with bananas instead of strawberries."

"Then we'll have to bring B'Elanna here," Kathryn said. "She loves bananas. If you don't remember, she was our Chief Engineer on Voyager and is half-Klingon too."

"I remember," Jackie smiled. "I don't think I can forget as she's quiet the heroine to my partner's nieces. They talk about her all the time."

Kathryn turned to Chakotay, who was now sitting. "Jackie's partner is half-Klingon and from Kardis Prime."

"His brother, Jedryn, was once in the Maquis," Jackie added, "but I doubt you know him as he was caught and jailed almost as soon as he joined."

"I know him," Chakotay replied. "We were in the same year at The Academy and served together on a number of ships. I didn't know he was still alive."

"And well. He teaches on Kardis Prime and is married with two sons. If you like, I can ask him to get in touch. He won't have to know how I know you."

"I'd like that. Very few of my former acquaintances are still living. It would mean a lot to me to hear from him."

Jackie smiled. "Then I'll tell him so."

Chakotay smiled back and then they all got stuck into their Austrian treat.

* * *

><p>After they'd said goodbye to Jackie, who was going to do more skiing before leaving, Kathryn and Chakotay headed to the resort's transporter station. This was on the ground floor and was a lot less busy than the cafeteria. In fact, they got a transport unit straight away. These were the size of an elevator and were self-service. As they stepped into it, Chakotay manually imputed the destination co-ordinates, and then waited with Kathryn for the beam out. It came in seconds and they dematerialized.<p>

When they rematerialized, Kathryn expected to find herself on The Nerissa, but once again she was not where she expected to be. Instead of the welcoming warmth of the Indian Ocean, she was greeted by a freezing and fierce wind, and instead of a serene blue sea, what she saw was a wild and choppy ocean of ferocious gray waves. The ocean at their lodge. For instead of being on the balcony of their cabin, they were standing on the verandah of their lodge.

Intrigued, Kathryn turned to Chakotay. "Either you made an imputing error, Mister Chakotay, or you have something up your sleeve. I'm inclined to think the latter."

Chakotay smiled, dimples showing. "And you'd be right. Now, wait here and don't peep inside."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow. "Wait here? Where are you going? Or, more to the point, just what is up your sleeve?"

"You'll see," he said, giving nothing away. Then he kissed her cheek. "Remember, no peeping."

With that, he opened the verandah's great door and slipped into the lodge. When he was gone, Kathryn's curiosity could hardly resist the urge to peep, but by turning to look out at the sea again, she found the strength. While the sea was rough, and the moody sky above a grim gray, the way the two merged into a snow covered coast was quite simply breathtaking. How wonderful it would be to see this view every winter morning, and what a delight to see the scene change with the seasons. Phoebe would definitely want to paint here and, as her own skills had improved over the years, she would have a go too. In fact, as she stood there waiting for Chakotay to return, she started to think about all the things she would do on this verandah: relax, eat, entertain, read, knit, and play games. But then, just as she was imagining Kollie run on the grass beyond, Chakotay returned.

"Ok," he smiled, "you can come in now."

At these words, Kathryn instantly came out of her thoughts and turned to him. "You've acquired something exotic, haven't you? One of those hideous rhino statues you were convinced I secretly loved the other day."

"Maybe," he smiled. He then gestured for her to enter. "After you."

Kathryn stepped through the open doorway, half-expecting to see that ugly statue looking back at her from some place, but what she saw took her breath away. Beside a roaring fire was a tall Christmas tree sparkling with tinsel and baubles, above her were two magnificent antler chandeliers that were glittering with candle lamps, and before the fire were the rustic aspen sofas that had always been there in her memory. Between them, gracing the gleaming wooden floor, was a black rug and a glass table, and on the chimney breast was a stag's head. It was like she had stepped back in time. Gone was the empty lounge she had expected, the one that still needed lights and furnishings. This was the lounge of yesterday, the lounge in her dreams.

"Oh, Chakotay," she said. "How did you...?" Then she wiped away a tear. "I've got to be dreaming. This time I've got to be. Either that or I died in transport."

"Neither, I assure you," Chakotay smiled. "You wished we could move in for Christmas so I've made that wish come true."

"But how? You've been with me the..." Then she laughed. "Of course, I spent the morning with Phoebe yesterday and the morning before that with Holly. Plenty of time for a certain someone to sneak off to a certain place."

"Plenty of time."

"But how have you done it all? Where did you get the chandeliers and furniture from? They look so like the ones in my memory that they could be them."

Chakotay closed the gap between them. "That's because they are."

Kathryn flinched. "They are?"

He nodded. "You weren't all I saved that night I was sent back in time. While I was in the past, I secured a storage unit in Greenland, one from a provider that didn't ask too many questions, and had everything I wanted to save in this lodge beamed there. These chandeliers were a must, as was the ring on your finger, and I saved many other things too. I couldn't save all the sofas and chairs I had made, as we were using some, but those we weren't I did. I also saved the stag's head and the rug."

"I don't know what to say," Kathryn said tearfully. "I'm truly overwhelmed. To know the chandeliers are the original ones, the ones you made with your bare hands...and the furniture too...it...it means so much."

Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "You don't have to say anything. Your joy says it all." He brushed his fingers against her tears. "And it's for your joy I saved them."

At these words, Kathryn wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him.

"Thank you, Chakotay. Thank you for this and for everything. Just when I think life can't possibly get more wonderful, you do something amazing."

"I knew how much you wanted us to spend our first Christmas here," he said. "And I want that too. While my tribe doesn't celebrate, Christmas is a special time in this culture and should be spent in a special place."

"It should," she said, drawing away. "And there's no place more special than here. For the first time in years I feel like I have a real home. Everywhere else, including my house in San Francisco, just felt like a place to live. I couldn't imagine spending forever there. But I want to live here for the rest of my life. Live here with you."

"Well, that's the plan. When we're both gray and old, and winter is hard on our bones, I hope we'll be here, snuggling up before this fire drinking coffee and eating strawberries. In fact, I can see us now...you with a white bun and me with a beard."

Kathryn laughed. "Me with a white bun, maybe, but never you with a beard. I won't let you hide your handsome face."

"It won't be so handsome when I'm wrinkled," he teased.

Kathryn poked his chest. "To me you will always be handsome. And to me you will always have a smile that lights up my life. So don't you dare go covering up your dimples."

"Very well, Ma'am," he smiled.

Kathryn then looked around again. "Everything is so perfect. Like living a dream. And we are. We're living the dream. But can we really move in for Christmas? I can hardly believe it."

"We can. Everything that needed to be done has been. All we need to do is move in our stuff."

"Then we'll be moved in by tomorrow," she joked, "because I really don't have much. At least, not much that I want to bring with me. Hell, maybe even by tonight!"

Chakotay laughed. "The sooner, the better. But don't forget we have a Beethoven concert to attend tonight and a ballet tomorrow. Realistically, I think we're looking at Christmas Eve."

"Me too. But that's just fine. In fact, it's wonderful." She closed the gap between them and slipped her arms around his neck. "The perfect Christmas present. Thank you."

Chakotay smiled. "I'd say you're welcome, but it means as much to me as it does to you. Finally this place is what I built it to be...a home to share with the woman I love."

Kathryn put her hand to his cheek. "Who loves you every bit as much. Even if she hasn't always shown it."

Chakotay took her hand in his. "She's shown it. I just didn't always see it. But I do now and I thank the gods for it."

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes and then she kissed him tenderly. Chakotay kissed her back and then they hugged.

"Come on," he said after a while. "Let me show you around. There's lots to see."

Kathryn drew away. "Like a potter's wheel, maybe?"

"Like a potter's wheel, maybe," he smiled. "But let's begin with the dining room. It should be as you remember."

Kathryn followed him into the dining room, and found that it was indeed as she remembered. Before the arched window was a long table of black marble, surrounded by twelve pine chairs, and above it were two antler chandeliers. They were just as magnificent as the ones in the lounge and their candle lamps glittered against the window's gleaming glass. Through the window, beyond the lodge's icy garden, she could see the distant forest and it looked spectacular in the snow.

After the dining room, Chakotay took Kathryn to his study, which once again housed his impressive collection of old books, and then up to their bedroom. This was opposite the room Kathryn had once stayed in and was the biggest of the lodge's four bedrooms. It had a large ensuite, which housed a red marble bathtub big enough for two, and now, thanks to Chakotay's modifications, a spacious pine balcony that faced the forest. When they got to the room, Kathryn wasn't sure what to expect, but as soon as Chakotay opened the door, she saw her surprise. It was a bed. A majestic rustic aspen wood bed. It was twice the size of the one she had slept in, was adorned with a gorgeous patchwork quilt of red and blue stars, and had a fabulous footboard of evenly spaced vertical logs that was eclipsed only by the magnificent headboard. This towered over the bed, was topped by antlers, and had an entwining C and K above a smooth aspen wood backrest.

"Oh, Chakotay," Kathryn exclaimed. "It's incredible."

"The frame is the original," he said, "built by me, but the headboard I made especially for us."

"Really? You made it?"

"Bit by bit over the last few weeks."

Kathryn walked over to the headboard and touched it reverently. "It's amazing. The craftmanship is outstanding and the design stunning. But what really makes it special is the love it has been made with. All those years ago, my hell began on a bed, a place I thought safe from every harm, and that hell has touched every bed since. But it won't touch this one. Not for me and not for you." She turned to Chakotay. "I promise you that, Chakotay. Here we'll know only love."

Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "We will, Kathryn. I make that promise too."

Kathryn lay her hand on his. "That day at the public lecture, the psychic told me that in you I would find warmth, safety and love. And she was right. When I'm with you, that's what I feel. And I know that when we make love, in this bed made with love, that's what I will feel. Warm, safe, and loved." Gently, she put her hand to his cheek. "And I want you to feel it too. There has been so much heartache in your life, so much grief and sorrow, and I don't want your heart to hurt anymore. I want you to find in me the peace I find in you."

"I will, Kathryn. Your peace is my peace."

At these words, Kathryn leant into him and held him close. "We'll find it the night we move in, Chakotay. Because I want that to be the night we consummate our love and our marriage. No other night could be as perfect."

Chakotay kissed her hair. "It would make a special night all the more special. But only if you're sure, Kathryn."

"I am. I've never been surer of anything. I want if for us with all my heart." She then drew away and looked up at him. "I'm not scared anymore, Chakotay. A little nervous, but not afraid. You've shown me in so many different ways how much you love me, not least by marrying me with this problem ongoing. I have no doubts. I just want to love you and be loved."

Chakotay brushed his fingers against her cheek. "Ditto. And I feel you're ready. I've felt that for a while now but I wanted you to say so."

"I know. And I've wanted to say so. I just...well, I had to be sure. I've thought I was ready in the past but I wasn't. But talking with Jackie today really helped me to see that I am. She always puts things in perspective and helps me to make sense of what I'm feeling." She paused. "You felt that we needed to be married, that it would make a difference, and you were right. Jackie says it helps me because it redefines our relationship in a positive way. Instead of being Captain and First Officer, with all the protocols that entails, we're husband and wife. That makes intimacy acceptable and, for someone who boxes things like me, helps a lot."

"I thought it would. We needed clarity and some kind of permanency. But I didn't marry you just because I felt we needed it. I married you because I wanted to."

"I know. And that means more to me than anything." She then squeezed his hand. "But we're getting all serious again. Let's lighten things up with a little fun."

Chakotay smiled. "Have something in mind?"

"I certainly do. It starts with the letter P. And no, it isn't a pot of coffee."

Chakotay laughed.

"But of course," Kathryn went on, "whether we can have fun with the said P, depends on whether a present C has saved the past P."

"Well," Chakotay smiled, "if this said P is what this C thinks, then we'd better go to my workshop and find out."

Kathryn beamed back a smile and gestured to the door. "After you, Sir."

Chakotay then left and Kathryn followed.

* * *

><p>"So," Chakotay said as he uncovered his potter's wheel, "is this the P a certain K hoped for?"<p>

"It is," Kathryn smiled. "It's exactly it." But as she gazed at the wheel of yesterday, a wheel she had worked on a million times in her dreams, tears filled her eyes. "And now I'm getting weepy again."

"As long as the tears are happy ones," Chakotay said.

"They are," she answered. "They're very happy ones." She then touched the wheel and relived that moment of long ago when she and Chakotay had entwined hands and kissed.

Their first kiss.

Here in this lodge.

"It's been a long time since I last made something," Chakotay said. "Over a decade. I might be rusty."

"That's ok," Kathryn replied, turning to him, "because I can polish you up. I'm good now."

"You are?"

"Yes, Sir. I spent hours on the holodeck making things out of clay. Sometimes using a wheel, sometimes just using my hands."

"I didn't know that. You should have shown me your work."

"Oh, they were just holographic and disappeared with the program. But I found it relaxing and...and using the wheel made me feel closer to you. Like you were behind me, embracing me and guiding me, just like you did that day." She paused. "In the absence of physical comfort, a memory can bring as much solace."

"Yes," he replied. He then picked up two aprons and handed her the blue. "Shall we make another memory now?"

Kathryn took the apron with a smile. "Yes, let's."

They then put on the aprons and Kathryn prepared the wheel while Chakotay fetched the clay. When everything was ready, Kathryn threw the clay onto the wheel, controlling the wheel with her foot, and then slowly shaped it into a pot. As she did, Chakotay stood behind her and lay his hands on hers. Their fingers entwined, caressing sensually, and then, as Kathryn looked up at him and their eyes locked, their lips met in a tender kiss.

For a long time they kissed, neither wanting the moment and the memory to end, but finally they returned to their task. Skillfully, they made a tall and handsome vase, a vase twice the size of the ones they had once made, and then they beamed it to the kiln. As it baked, they rested with a coffee, and then they painted their masterpiece. They glazed it white, both doing a half each, and then adorned it with blue and orange stars. When that was done, they returned it to the kiln for the final firing, and then proudly admired the finished product.

"With the exception of a few lopsided stars," Kathryn said, "courtesy of my disobedient paintbrush, it's a mighty fine vase."

"It sure is," Chakotay smiled.

"In fact, it's good enough to put on display and I know exactly where."

With that, she turned around and headed for the door. As she did, Chakotay followed, and she led him into the lounge. When there, she went straight over to the hearth, and carefully placed the vase right in the middle of the mantelpiece.

"Ta, da," she said. "What do you think?"

"Just perfect," Chakotay smiled.

"I think so too. No mantelpiece is complete without a vase. But if you're thinking it looks kind of lonely, think it no more, I'm on the case." She then hit the commbadge on her chest. "Janeway to TSX5, home transport request."

A male voice replied. "Stand by."

As the man processed her request, Kathryn addressed Chakotay. "Don't worry, I'll be back in five minutes."

The transport then came and Kathryn disappeared.

Five minutes later, she was back.

"Here we are," she said, holding up a box before an amused Chakotay, "the fruits of my mission."

She then lay the box down on the coffee table, knelt before it, and opened it. Inside, wrapped in tissue, were the two pots they had once made.

"Our babies," she declared. "One for each end of the mantelpiece." She then pulled Chakotay's pot out, admired it, and then placed it on the right side of the mantelpiece. Then she pulled out her own and put it on the left.

"Now our family is complete," she said. "And, you guessed it, I'm getting weepy again."

Chakotay smiled and put his arm around her. "I feel the moment too."

Kathryn leant into him and, with their arms around each other, they looked at their pots. The old and the new blended together perfectly and looked right at home.

Home.

Finally they had a home.

And finally so did their makers.

END OF CHAPTER FORTY ONE


	42. Chapter 42

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER 42**

On a busy deck of _The Nerissa_, standing beneath a row of Christmas decorations that glittered in the Tasmanian sun, Kathryn looked out an aqua ocean. In the distance, white sands stetched spectacularly into red rocks, and Kathryn painted the scene to memory. This was her's and Chakotay's last afternoon on the ship, a ship that would always occupy a special place in her heart for the wonderful time they had spent on it, and she wanted to make the most of every moment. But she wasn't sorry to be closing this chapter of their lives. In fact, she was looking forward to the next. In under an hour's time they would be at their lodge, back in America on Christmas Eve, and she couldn't wait. For those who celebrated, it was Christmas Day here, but she and Chakotay had ignored that so they could celebrate at home with each other, their friends and family. If all went to plan, this would be the night that she and Chakotay would finally consummate their love. No longer was she nervous. Not even a little bit. The time was right and it was going to be a wonderful, special, night.

Leaning against the rail now, her white blouse shimmering in the sun, Kathryn relished the fact that many eyes were upon her. Usually she hated being noticed, and tried to disguise herself a little with a sunhat or sunglasses, but tonight she was glad of the attention. Eyes on her was part of the plan.

At last, Chakotay came, casually dressed in a beige shirt over blue pants, and Kathryn turned to him with a smile.

"Hi. Is everything done?"

"Yes," he replied. "All our luggage is now at our lodge."

"Thanks, honey."

"You're welcome. But I'm kind of curious why you wanted them sent ahead of us."

"Well, with six suitcases between the pair of us, we could hardly bring them here."

"No, but why are we here?"

Kathryn's eyes twinkled. "I have my reasons. And they go something like this..." She pulled him close by the shirt and kissed him full on the lips.

"I see," Chakotay smiled. "But in case cameras weren't at the ready, we should do a double take."

Kathryn laughed and slipped her arms around his neck. "Agreed."

She then kissed him again and Chakotay kissed her back.

* * *

><p>When they arrived at their lodge forty minutes later, Kathryn and Chakotay materialized in the lounge. A holographic fire was burning in the hearth, the grand chandelier was glittering with lights, and their tall Christmas tree was aglow. Beneath the tree were dozens of presents, all wrapped in shiny paper, and on top of the tree was a beautiful silver star that Naomi had made. In a far corner of the room was their luggage, every piece accounted for, and curled up on a sofa chair was Kollie. The dog had been beamed ahead of them by Phoebe, who had somewhere she needed to be, and he'd been waiting for his mistress for over two hours. When he saw her, he leapt off the chair with a woof and excitedly jumped up on her.<p>

"Down, boy," Kathryn laughed. "What have I told you about jumping up on people? When are you going to learn? But it sure is good to see you."

"And good to see he's bagged himself a chair," Chakotay said. "That's a sure sign he's settling in."

"Of course he is," Kathryn replied, fussing the dog. "He knows this place is home." She then looked up at Chakotay with moist eyes. "Home. Finally we're home."

"Yes," he smiled.

"And I've been thinking, Chakotay. While 'The Lodge' is a perfectly efficient name, a place as special as this should have a special name. I've given it a lot of thought and what do you think of Goyevar? You know, Joy Ever spelt as an anagram of Voyager?"

"I think it's genius."

Kathryn smiled. "Then Goyevar Lodge it is."

Kollie went to say hello to Chakotay now and, as the two of them greeted each other, Kathryn looked around the lounge. Everything was perfect. Her belongs were all in place, as were Chakotay's, and the lodge, Goyevar Lodge, was now ready to be lived in. Over the last week they had done everything they needed to and all the rooms were decorated and furnished. There was absolutely nothing left to do and her house in San Francisco was no longer her house. This truly was her home now. Her home and Chakotay's. The home she would gladly cross a million galaxies for.

"Shall we celebrate our move in with a coffee?"

Kathryn turned to Chakotay, who was now beside her, and smiled. "Yes. Let's celebrate with coffee. And then, while you take care of our luggage, I'll make dinner."

"Dinner?" Chakotay teased. "We haven't long had lunch."

"I know, but I'm going to have to cook it. There's no way I'm having our first meal here be a replicated one. Besides, we're going to have to get used to American time again. It may be afternoon in Tasmania, but it's night here. Strange that, isn't it? With a blink of a transport we're in yesterday."

"And without breaking any laws."

"Yes," Kathryn laughed. "But I'm going to break a resolution now and have my first caffeinated coffee in months."

"The beans we got at the ranch?"

"The beans we got at the ranch. I said I was saving them for a special day, and this is a special day." She then kissed his lips. "Want some cookies too?"

"As it might be next year before we see dinner," Chakotay joked, "I think I'd better."

Kathryn playfully squeezed his cheek. "Oh you." She then kissed him again and went into the kitchen.

* * *

><p>Three hours later, dinner was finally ready. In the golden glow of the antler chandeliers, Kathryn put the finishing touches to their magnificent table, which she had decorated with silver cloth and red roses, and then called in Chakotay. He came, having spent the last hour unpacking their luggage, but stopped in the archway when he saw Kathryn. She looked stunning in the blue velvet dress she was wearing, her long hair loose over her freckle dusted shoulders, and she took his breath away. For the longest time, all he could do was gaze. When she saw this, Kathryn smiled. She wanted to look beautiful to him. Tonight, more than ever. Then she pulled out a chair and gestured to it.<p>

"Please have a seat, Sir."

Chakotay came out of his trance now and walked over to her. As he did, he pulled out a single red rose from behind his back and presented it to her.

"For you, Ma'am."

Kathryn took the rose with a smile. "Thank you, Sir."

She then put the flower in a vase and, as Chakotay sat, opened a bottle of cabernet sauvignon. It was their favorite variety, dark red and sweet, but was synthesol as she didn't want to touch alcohol tonight. For too long it had been her aphrodisiac. Tonight she didn't need one. All she needed was Chakotay.

"When you were upstairs," she said, "my sister called. We've made the news."

"Already?"

Kathryn smiled. "I'm surprised it took so long."

"What are the headlines?"

"I don't know about the lines, but the heads are us. Apparently, quite a few people got photos and they're everywhere. According to Phoebe, we're now the hottest couple in celebville."

"Really?"

"Truly. But I hope you like your food cold. With three courses to make in two hours, I kind of had to resort to cookoflage."

"Somehow, I thought you might," he smiled. "But what are we having?"

"For first course, fruit mix. For second, winter salad and..." She never finished her sentence as she suddenly put down the wine and rushed over to the oven. "Damn!" she cried, grabbing a glove and opening the door. "I forgot about the nutroast!"

Black smoke gushed out of the oven and immediately set off the smoke alarm.

"Oh hell!" Kathryn wailed, taking out the smoking roast and placing it on a worktop. "The damn thing's burnt to a crisp!"

Chakotay could only laugh, laugh until his sides ached.

"I should have known something like this would happen," she said, wiping her brow and getting black all over it. "When it comes to cooking, I just can't multitask. Well, so much for our roast. We'll just have to make do with replicated. And it isn't funny, Mr Chakotay. I spent an hour making it."

"I'm sorry," Chakotay said, getting up and going over to her, "but it is funny. And you should see yourself right now."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow. "See myself?" She then hurried over to a mirror on the wall. When she saw the smog on her face, she laughed. "Oh, I see what you mean."

Chakotay picked up a cloth, wet it, and then closed the gap between them. "Allow me."

Kathryn turned to face him and tenderly he wiped away the grime.

"Thank you, Sir," she said when he was done.

Chakotay smiled. "You're welcome. Now, shall I recycle the roast?"

"I think you'd better. It's not even fit for a canine to eat...where ever he is."

"Sleeping in his chair."

"Really? He must love that place. He's always begging for food."

Chakotay teased. "Evidently he knows who's cooking."

Kathryn laughed. "Evidently he does. But my winter salad is good, Chakotay. You'll love it."

Chakotay put down the cloth he was holding and kissed her forehead. "Then let's get eating so I can try it."

* * *

><p>After they'd eaten dinner, the winter salad being every bit as delicious as Kathryn had said, she and Chakotay cuddled up in the lounge and watched footage of themselves on media stations. Their story was indeed big news and the frenzy amused them greatly. Then, when they'd seen enough, they switched off their entertainment screen and turned their attention on each other. Before the dancing fire, they kissed each other tenderly, and then they decided it was time to move upstairs. Kathryn put Kollie to bed in the kitchen, the animal being most reluctant to leave his new chair, and Chakotay went to run them a bath. While it automatically filled, he took off his clothes, put on a black robe, and then went to wait for Kathryn in the bedroom. It was snowing outside, the flakes falling silently from a back sky, and he watched them as he waited. But when he was still waiting twenty minutes later, he left the bedroom to look for her. However, he did not have to go far as Kathryn was on the landing, standing before the great window that looked out at the sea. Her eyes were on the black water, her arms folded before her, and the sadness in her pose hurt his heart. Slowly, he walked over to her and put his hand on her shoulder.<p>

"I was beginning to think you'd got lost."

"No," she said, turning to him. "The only place I'm lost in is my thoughts." Tears welled in her eyes. "All day I've been looking forward to tonight, Chakotay, and I haven't been scared at all. But now...now I am."

Chakotay took her hands in his. "Of what, darling?"

"Of failing. We've done lots of things together, things that have taken me to a heaven I never knew existed, but we've never put them all together." A tear ran down her cheek. "I don't know how."

Chakotay drew her close and held her tenderly. "I'll show you how, darling. We won't fail. You're ready and you know that you are. What you're feeling is just last minute jitters."

Kathryn rested her head on his shoulder. "You're right. That is what this is. And maybe I should have anticipated it. But I didn't feel it until I came up the stairs. Looking around, seeing this splendor, it made me realize what's at stake. Because everything is so wonderful, Chakotay. We're living a dream and I want us to go on living it. But if I can't...if we fail...then sooner or later it will be over. I know sex doesn't make a marriage, but the lack of it can break one. And that got me thinking that maybe our marriage was a mistake. That us moving into this lodge was a mistake. Being here, having all this, maybe we're just giving ourselves a taste of a life that can never be ours."

Chakotay kissed her and stroked her hair. "It is ours, Kathryn. All this is ours. And we're going to live happy lives here...just like the new name suggests. Joy forever. Yours and mine. Our marriage wasn't a mistake, don't think that for a second, and neither is us being here. Our relationship isn't based on what happens in the bedroom. What happens there is an expression of our love, not the foundation. I love you with all my heart and I'll love you forever."

"Ditto. And I'm not sorry that we're here, or that we're married. I love the life we have now. I'm just scared of losing it."

"I understand, Kathryn. I've lost almost everyone I've ever loved and the thought of losing you terrifies me. But we can't live our lives that way. If we do, we so often create the future we fear."

"I know. I know we have to live for the moment. It's just hard because our present is always shaped by our past pain and future fears. But for this life that we have, for the Voyager years, I would gladly go through all the heartache again. Just changing one thing could make the whole different and I like the whole." Tearfully, she drew away from him. "But in time, I might not be enough for you. I know you've always wanted a family, as have I, but it's too late for us. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't give you a child. If there was one thing I could change for us, it would be that."

Chakotay put his hand to her cheek. "We have each other, Kathryn. That's enough for me. I just hope I'm enough for you."

"You are, Chakotay. Don't ever doubt that. I love you with all that I am." She took his hand in hers and squeezed it. "And I'll be ok. In a moment, I'll be ok. I'm just...this is such a momentous night for us."

"Yes. And it's going to be one we'll cherish for the rest of our lives."

Their eyes locked, time suspended, and then a clanging downstairs brought them back to the present.

"Oh boy," Kathryn said. "What's Kollie done now?"

Chakotay went to the overlook and surveyed the lounge beneath. "Nothing to ring alarm bells. He's just gone back to his chair and knocked over a lamp in the process."

Kathryn laughed and joined him at the rail. "Then he must really, _really_, love that chair."

"Shall I put him back in the kitchen?"

"No. He'll only sneak out again. Let's leave him to think he's triumphed."

"Ok," Chakotay smiled. Then, as his eyes met Kathryn's and he saw that her sadness was gone, he put his hand on her shoulder. "Shall we go to our bath? It's hot, bubbly, and waiting just for us."

Kathryn nodded and smiled. "Yes. Let's go to our bath."

Then, with an arm around each other, they left the landing.

* * *

><p>After their soak in the bath, which truly had been a mutual delight, Kathryn and Chakotay dried each other before a cozy fire in their bedroom. Working tenderly and sensually, they caressed each other with soft towels, and then kissed before drying each other's hair with a silent device that fitted in the palm of their hands. As the warm air blew through her hair, caressing her scalp and kissing her neck, Kathryn closed her eyes and let herself drift with the pleasure. Then Chakotay took her in his arms and kissed her again before drawing away and offering her his hand.<p>

Understanding that he wanted to take her to bed, Kathryn hesitated. While her whole heart wanted to take his hand and make love with him, the young girl who lived inside her was still scared. Scared of being hurt, scared of failing the woman she now was. But as she looked into Chakotay's eyes, eyes that only ever looked at her with love, her fear faded. With a smile, she reached for his hand and squeezed it. Chakotay smiled back, his eyes as moist as hers, and then guided her to the bed.

When there, Chakotay pulled back the covers and climbed in. The lights were low, the fire red, and in their ruby glow his muscular body shone like bronze. Kathryn gazed at him, hardly able to breathe at his beauty, and then she climbed onto the bed and straddled him. He smiled at her in welcome, took her hands in his, and then kissed them.

"I love you," he whispered.

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "I love you."

Then, letting go of her hands, Chakotay raised his lips to hers and kissed her. Kathryn kissed him back, exploring his mouth tentatively at first, but then with growing passion. Chakotay responded in kind, letting her set the pace, and then lay back against the pillows as she moved her lips to his neck and kissed there. Slowly, she worked her way to his shoulders, kissing his strong muscles while stroking his broad chest, and then she kissed his mouth again. Chakotay kissed her in return and she pulled him on top of her as she rolled onto her back. Making love to her now, Chakotay kissed and caressed her in a way he never had before, and Kathryn clung to him as he kissed her neck and sensually stroked her thighs. Feeling her arousal, Chakotay moved his hand higher, touching her womanhood, and then...

And then Kathryn froze beneath him.

Relaxing his own arousal, Chakotay drew away and looked down at her. Her eyes were closed, tears under the lids, and her breathing was shallow. Gently, Chakotay took her hand in his and, as she clasped his tight, she began to calm. Then, just like he had every time she reacted to this position, he waited for her to recover and reinitiate their intimacy. It was important that she did, tonight more than ever. He would not let her fail. Not this time. If she did, it could destroy her.

After a while, Kathryn opened her beautiful blue eyes and looked into his. Chakotay smiled, tender love in his eyes, and Kathryn tearfully smiled back. Then she raised her lips to his and kissed him. Chakotay kissed her back, the kiss gentle and loving, and then he sat up so she could straddled him. Kathryn did and he took her hands in his. She was still trembling and her cheeks were wet with tears. Tenderly, Chakotay brushed his fingers against them and then kissed them before kissing her lips. Kathryn responded and for a long time they just kissed. Then Kathryn began to explore his body again, moving her hands with growing confidence, and in return he explored hers. As one hand caressed her back, and the other her front, Kathryn's kisses faded away and she leant back in ecstasy. Chakotay put his lips to her neck, showering her with sensual kisses, and then he made love to her breasts. Kathryn gasped, her whole body on fire with desire, and then...

And then Chakotay entered her.

As he did, he kept contact with her eyes, her eyes that were hazy and serene, and then, when she was ready, he began to rock her. Kathryn murmured, the pleasure beyond any she had ever known, and then...

And then she was lying on his chest, lying and crying.

But not from pain.

Catching his breath, Chakotay wrapped his arms around her and kissed her hair. "Are you ok, Kathryn?"

Slowly, and with a tearful smile, Kathryn raised herself and looked into his eyes. "I'm fine, Chakotay. Just fine." Tenderly, she traced the course of his tattoo. "We did it. We really did."

"Yes," Chakotay smiled, tears in his own eyes.

"And it was amazing, Chakotay. I don't know why I was so scared. In fact, I want to do it again."

Chakotay's smile dimpled and he brushed his fingers against her cheek. "Any time, my darling...except right now."

Kathryn laughed softly and then took his hand in hers. "Thank you, Chakotay. Thank you for making this happen and for staying by my side. I need you there so much."

Chakotay squeezed her hand as a happy tear trickled down his cheek. "By your side is where I belong, Kathryn, and by your side is where I'll always be."

Kathryn touched his tear and then lovingly kissed his lips. Chakotay kissed her back, and then Kathryn lay on his chest and cuddled up to him. Cuddled and let her tears fall. Tears of joy that were cleansing her soul. Finally, after all the lonely years of heartache, she was free.

At peace.

And so was her angry warrior. She could feel it in his touch, hear it his heartbeat. Their souls had finally come together, finally found a home, and never would they wander again.

Warmth. Safety. Love.

Present like never before. Enveloping her like never before. And, in their afterglow, she fell fast asleep.

* * *

><p>Morning.<p>

Light seeping in through naked windows told Kathryn so.

Golden light.

Golden light that shone from a sapphire sky.

A beautiful day.

A beautiful world.

Climbing out of the bed, careful not to wake Chakotay, Kathryn put on her robe and wandered onto the balcony. The air was icy, making her body shiver, but Kathryn was oblivious to the cold. All she saw were the mountains of her dreams. And yet they looked different. Today, everything looked different. Brighter, somehow, more vibrant, as though she was seeing the world for the first time.

This world she was.

A new world.

Gone was the old. The dark world with an eclipsed sun. This sun shone brightly. Shone and lit up her life.

Walking along the balcony, to where it curved around a corner to give a view of the coast, Kathryn lost herself in the view. The winter sea was as blue as a summer's, the winter sands as golden, but the surrounding landscape was white with snow. It truly was a breathtaking scene, and for a long time Kathryn gazed at it. Then, as her brain registered that the tide was out, she hurried back into the bedroom and woke Chakotay with tender kisses.

"Wake up, my darling," she said. "Wake up."

Chakotay stirred awake and his bright black eyes looked into hers.

"Good morning," he smiled. "Merry Christmas."

Christmas.

In her reverie, Kathryn had completely forgotten about Christmas.

"You know," she laughed, "I'd forgotten all about that."

Chakotay laughed too and stroked her long hair. "And here's me thinking you've woken me so we can open our presents."

"No. There's another reason." She gestured to the balcony. "Look outside, honey. The sun is shining and the sky is blue. I can also tell you that the tide is out." She smiled. "Guess where that means we're going."

Chakotay guessed right away and looked at her in amusement. "You're not serious."

"Oh, most certainly, Sir. So, get yourself out of bed, into some clothes, and we'll beam right there."

"But it's got to be freezing outside."

"We'll wrap up. And, of course, we'll have a coffee before going. Maybe even some pancakes. After all, we did work up quite an appetite last night." She kissed his lips and then pulled the covers off him. "Come on. First one dressed gets to open the first present!"

* * *

><p>Half an hour later, Kathryn beamed herself and Chakotay to where he expected her to take him. Their beloved cave. He was now wearing a silver jacket over black pants, while Kathryn was clad in a long blue skirt and white arran sweater. Her long hair was loose and on her feet were tan boots that matched a shimmering scarf at her throat. As a wind was rising, and it was a lot colder on the beach than she had anticipated, Kathryn wasted no time getting to the purpose of the visit. Commanding her favorite Tchaikovsky piece, she stepped onto the sand and began to dance as it played.<p>

From the mouth of the cave, Chakotay watched her. Across the sand she swept, her hair sailing in the wind, and her grace took his breath away. She looked more beautiful to him now than she had on that special day of so long ago. As she glided before him, twirling and whirling, he lost his heart all over again. Lost it but found it when the music stopped and she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Oh, that was just awesome! Awesome!"

Chakotay smiled and put his arms around her. "It certainly was for me. Thank you."

"My delight, Sir. My delight!" She then hugged him with all her might, hugging him until her soaring soul came back to ground.

"Happy?" Chakotay asked.

"Deliriously," she answered, drawing away. "But I'm also kind of cold. I forgot to put tights on and my legs are freezing."

Chakotay laughed. "That's what comes of speed dressing."

"I know. But I did win so my effort wasn't in vain." She then gazed deep into his eyes. "But all the presents in the universe couldn't mean as much as the peace in my heart today. That's the greatest gift. Thank you."

Chakotay put his hand to her cheek. "Ditto."

They kissed softly and then Chakotay took her cold hands in his.

"Shall we beam back? We can warm ourselves up and then open our gifts. I know you're dying to find out what's in that bendy box Holly gave us."

"I am," Kathryn laughed. "But it's probably just some crazy unwanted birthday present. She doesn't know I know, but I know she always palms them off. One of the advantages of being born five days before Christmas, I guess." She returned her arms to his neck. "My curiosity can wait, though. I'm going to need a lot warming up."

Chakotay's eyes twinkled, her meaning unmistakable. "I meant before a fire."

"I know. But there's a better way. After all, we have a lot of catching up to do."

Chakotay smiled. "We certainly have."

He then lowered his lips to hers and kissed her.

END OF CHAPTER FORTY TWO


	43. Chapter 43

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER 43**

**NOVEMBER, 2380**

A year. Kathryn and Chakotay had been married for a year. A year this very night. Alone in the bathroom of their bedroom, standing before a long mirror, Kathryn got ready for their anniversary dinner. She was in charge of it, having insisted, and she'd planned everything to the smallest detail. Never would they have a first anniversary dinner again and she wanted the occasion to be perfect. After putting on a gorgeous gown of red velvet, complete with high-heel shoes to match, Kathryn swept up her hair into a stylish bun and put on some make-up. When she was finally ready, Kathryn admired herself in the mirror, looking at herself from every possible angle, and then she picked up her handbag and went into the bedroom. Chakotay was there, looking dashingly handsome in a black suit, and he was fixing a bow tie to his shirt before a mirror. When he saw Kathryn in the reflecting glass, his heart skipped a beat at her beauty and he turned around.

"Wow," he said. "You look amazing."

Kathryn smiled. "Thank you, Sir. So do you." She then closed the gap between them. "But you don't need that tie, honey, or the jacket. There's just going to be the two of us."

At this, Chakotay raised an amused eyebrow. "Just the two of us? Does that mean dinner is your cooking?"

Kathryn laughed. "Yes. But don't worry, everything turned out fine." She then helped him take off his jacket, removed his tie, and straightened his collar. "There, perfect."

As she stepped away, Chakotay noted the bag. "Curiouser and curiouser," he said. "If we're eating in, why the bag?"

"We're not eating in. At least, not technically." With that, she reached into her bag and pulled out a commbadge. "Ready to go?"

"I am," he answered.

Kathryn pressed the commbadge and spoke. "Janeway to TS51. Initiate transport."

A male voice told them to standby, and then seconds later the transport came and they dematerialized.

* * *

><p>When Kathryn and Chakotay rematerialized, Chakotay found that they were in their cave. Lights were glittering above them, roses were all around them, and in the middle of the cave was a beautifully decorated round table. It had white candles and flowers, a cloth of glittering gold, and was set for two.<p>

"Happy anniversary," Kathryn declared.

Chakotay smiled. "It certainly is happy. This is wonderful."

"I knew you'd think so. But I wanted it to be a surprise so I had to let you believe we were eating out. But there's only one place I want to be tonight, and that's here with you."

Chakotay stepped closer and gazed into her eyes. "Ditto."

Kathryn gazed back and then gestured to the roses. "If you look at these closely," she said, "you'll see that they're paper...the traditional first anniversary symbol. They're not real, just holographic, but they're such a nice touch, don't you think?"

"I do," he smiled.

"The roses on the table are paper too," she went on, "and for our meal I've acquired the Federation's finest paper plates. They're totally real and are so well made it's almost impossible to tell they're not china. And don't worry, they won't melt with the food. They're suitable for hot or cold."

"Given the chef," he teased, "would I even notice if they did?"

Kathryn smacked his arm. "You'll take that back when you taste dessert, Mr Chakotay. It's a strawberry soufflé to beat all soufflés."

"A soufflé? Then you truly have mastered the art. Well done."

"Thank you. But I can't take all the credit. Aunt Martha helped."

Chakotay's eyes twinkled. "I see."

Kathryn poked his stomach. "I said helped, mister, not made it. I did all the hardwork. I also cooked our main meal from scratch, which is a traditional Irish pie with colcannon and veg, and the first course of pea soup and soda farl."

Knowing all this was way beyond Kathryn's ability, even though her skills had improved enormously, Chakotay couldn't resist the next words. "With a little help from Aunt Martha?"

Kathryn curled her lip, but then conceded with a laugh. "With a lot of help from Aunt Martha."

Chakotay laughed too and then, suddenly having tears in her eyes, Kathryn hugged him.

"Thank you, Chakotay," she said, "thank you for making this last year the best of my life."

Chakotay kissed her and held her close. "Thank you for the same."

"I could tell you how much you mean to me, but I'd rather let my anniversary gift say so."

With that, she drew away from him, reached into her bag, and pulled out a silver box wrapped in a blue paper ribbon.

"This is for you."

Chakotay took the box with a thank you and carefully opened it. Inside, resting on blue tissue, was a heart-shaped paperweight. It sparkled in the light and had a red paper heart embedded in the middle of the glass. Printed small on the heart, in glittering gold letters, was a poem. It read:

_In sorrow you are my joy,_

_In darkness you are my light,_

_In despair you are my hope,_

_In weakness you are my might._

_I love you just for being you each day,_

_For all the things you do and all you say._

_You are my peace, my happiness and strength,_

_My husband, lover, and my dearest friend._

"The words are mine," Kathryn said. "Written especially for you."

Tenderly, Chakotay touched the glass, tears in his eyes. "They're beautiful. You're quite the poet."

"I don't know about that," she laughed, "but they're written from the heart."

Chakotay looked up at her. "Which makes them all the more special. Thank you."

Kathryn smiled and they kissed tenderly. Then Chakotay reached into a pocket of his jacket and pulled out a gold velvet box.

"My gift to you."

Kathryn took the box and opened it with the same care that he'd opened hers. Inside, nestled in white satin, was a stunning mini-book locket of gleaming gold. On the front was a heart-shaped ruby, the stone of love, and on the back was an inscription that read: _For my darling wife, my love and my life._ Kathryn touched the words, then she carefully opened the locket. Inside, in the left half, was a beautiful picture of them on their wedding day, and opposite in the left half was a tiny paper book. It had a red cover, gold edged paper, and was a minature edition of Shakespeare's Sonnets.

"Oh, Chakotay," she said, "it's wonderful."

Chakotay smiled. "Would you like me to put it on you?"

Kathryn nodded. "Please..."

Carefully, Chakotay took the locket out of the box, put it around her neck, and clasped it in place. The ruby sparkled in the light and Kathryn gazed at it. Then she raised her head and turned to him.

"Thank you. I love it." She then looked deep into his eyes. "And I love you."

Chakotay smiled and then they kissed.

* * *

><p>After they'd finished their meal, which they'd accompanied with champagne, Kathryn and Chakotay danced to the Brahms waltz they'd danced to at their wedding. With their arms around each other, they swayed softly to the music, and then kissed as the piece ended. In the sweet silence, they lost themselves in each other, and were soon kissing with rising passion. Then, feeling Kathryn's fire, Chakotay drew away.<p>

"Shall we finish up here and beam back to the lodge?"

"No," Kathryn said, gazing into his eyes. "I don't want to spend tonight there. I want us to spend it here."

Chakotay raised an eyebrow. "Here?"

"Here." She then addressed the computer. "Computer, amend scene."

Instantly the dining table, which Kathryn had deliberately cleared, disappeared and was replaced with a majestic bed of red satin sheets and heart-shaped pillows.

"This is where we made our lives one," Kathryn went on, "and this is where we should be one tonight."

Chakotay couldn't help but tease. "What if the forcefield dies on us again?"

"It won't. I've made sure of it."

Then, backing away from him, she unhooked her dress and let it fall to the floor. Beneath it, below the locket that glittered, was a sexy red lingerie set consisting of a lacy bra, frilly knickers, and a deep suspender belt that held up silky beige stockings. At the sight, Chakotay's jaw dropped open and all he could do was gaze. Loving the look on his face, Kathryn seductively unclipped her hair and let it fall onto her shoulders.

"So, mister," she said, walking towards him, "are we staying?"

Chakotay could only nod.

Kathryn smiled, kissed him, and then retreated again. "Then let me give you your second present. But you're going to have to undress me to find it."

At this, Chakotay smiled, a wonderful smile that thrilled Kathryn's heart, and she bade the Computer to resume playing classical music. As Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata filled the cavern, Kathryn twirled before Chakotay and then danced before him with moves that were both erotic and beautiful. Chakotay watched with pleasure, and could hardly believe that this incredibly sexy and sultry woman was the same woman of a year ago. Not only was the change a true testimony to the healing power of love, but it was a testimony to the trust she had in him, a trust he would forever cherish and safeguard with his life.

Approaching him now, Kathryn flicked back her hair and then walked her fingers up his shirt.

"You may look for your present now."

Chakotay took her hand in his, kissed it, and then worked his lips up her arm to her neck. He then drew her against him, her back against his front, and sensually caressed her body before skilfully removing her bra. As the frilly lace fell to the floor, he cupped her breasts in his hands and returned his lips to her neck. Kathryn gasped, and then leant back against him as his hands moved to her waist and stroked her hips. Then he turned her to him and explored her body with eyes, lips, and fingers, until he was kneeling on the floor and kissing her abdomen. Kathryn ran her fingers through his hair, the pleasure mutual, and then watched as he unclipped her suspenders. One by one he removed her silky stockings, caressing her legs as he did, and then he reached for her suspender belt. It had sexy sides of lace that covered her hips, and as he removed it, unveiling her flesh, he found his present. On her left hip, perfectly drawn, was the tattoo of his people. It was black, like his, and almost the same size. For a long moment he gazed at it, tears in his eyes, then he touched it tenderly.

"What you were expecting?" Kathryn asked.

"No," he said quietly. "I thought maybe...well, a concealed concert ticket or something." He looked up at her. "This is...Thank you, I'm deeply honored. But are you sure, Kathryn? A tattoo is..."

Kathryn silenced him with a finger on the lips.

"I'm sure," she said.

A tear ran down Chakotay's cheek, and Kathryn traced it before leaning forward and kissing his lips tenderly. Chakotay kissed her back, then he looked again at the tattoo. For a long moment he traced its course, his touch sensual, then he kissed it before getting to his feet. As he stood, Kathryn ran her hands up his chest and locked them around his neck.

"Now I say it's my turn to undress you."

Chakotay smiled, dimples showing. "Agreed."

Kathryn then kissed him and began to unbutton his shirt.

END OF CHAPTER FORTY THREE


	44. Chapter 44

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER 44**

**MARCH, 2381**

On the sunny verandah of Goyevar Lodge, Kathryn poured herself and Holly a glass of orange juice.

"Riding," Holly said, "again?"

"That's right. I'm meeting Chakotay at the ranch and we're going to ride for a couple of hours before having dinner there."

Holly picked up her glass of juice. "What's the challenge this time? A new trail to beat Chakotay on?"

"No," Kathryn laughed. "I've beat him enough times now to be satisfied. We just like riding the trail. After all, it has been a long winter. It's good to be back in the saddle."

"Well, I'd rather you than me. I'll stick to skiing. Skis don't have a mind of their own."

Kathryn smiled. "My sister would say otherwise."

"How is your sister? How's Azryn?"

"They're both fine. In fact, she was just on the comm this morning. He's been saying the words ' an coffee' all weekend and it finally dawned on her that he meant me."

At this, Holly laughed heartily. "Oh, Kath, that's too funny."

"And another sign that I need to cut down. What can I say? Old habits slip back."

"With you and coffee, they never slip off."

"I know. But I am trying...hence the orange juice." She then picked up a pile of photographs that were resting on the table. "Speaking of Azryn, here are some pictures of him with his grandmother. They were taken last week on Trebus. Phoebe and her husband were attending an arts conference on a planet nearby and couldn't pass without stopping."

Holly took the pictures, and it warmed her heart to see the joy on the old lady's face as she played with her beloved grandson.

"I'm so glad she gets to see him," she said. "It's really good of Phoebe to include her in his life."

"Well, she's a part of who he is and Phoebe wants him to know her and to learn about his heritage. Luckily, Chakotay will be able to help a lot with that."

"Does Azryn have a name for him yet? Chakotay's got to be a mouthful for a kid."

"No," Kathryn laughed, "but he's..."

Her words were interrupted by the computer.

"Incoming transport request, Doctor E. M. H. Photon."

Holly spoke. "A social call, I hope."

"So hope I," Kathryn said. "No doubt he wants to tell me all about his latest love. But if you want to make your escape, now's your chance."

Holly smiled. "I was just going to make my excuses." She then got to her feet, as did Kathryn, and the two women hugged. "Bye, Kath. I'll see you Thursday."

"Bye, Holl. Have fun at the holo-fair."

"I don't know about me," she smiled, "but the kids certainly will." She then hit her commbadge. "Pemberton to TS1X, home transport request."

As the request was processed, and Holly dematerialized, the computer spoke again.

"Incoming transport request, Doctor E. M. H. Photon."

This time Kathryn accepted and The Doctor materialized before her. He was in uniform and was carrying a medkit.

"Good afternoon, Admiral," he smiled.

"Good afternoon, Doctor. To what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?"

"Do I need a reason to call on a friend?"

"No, but you usually have one."

"Admiral, I'm offended."

Kathryn picked up her glass of orange juice. "So you don't have one?"

"I might," he confessed. "But first let me say how glad I am to see you drink something other than coffee. Orange juice is a far superior hydrator."

"I'm glad you're glad," Kathryn smiled. She then sat down and gestured for The Doctor to do the same. "Please, sit."

"I'm afraid this isn't a social call," he declared.

Kathryn sighed. "I knew you had an agenda. What is it?"

"You should know, Admiral. I've sent you three reminders."

"Oh, my overdue medical."

"Exactly. Your four weeks, three days, and six hours overdue medical."

Kathryn topped up her glass of juice. "I didn't know you were counting to the hour, Doctor."

"To the second."

"Well, I feel fine. I haven't been to space in months and have been eating well and exercising regularly. In fact, I'm due to horse ride with Chakotay in about an hour."

"How you feel is beside the point, Admiral. A medical is overdue and I must insist on performing one before I leave."

Kathryn sighed again. "Very well, Doctor. Do it now, if you wish."

"Thank you," he said. "I do indeed wish." He then took his tricorder out of his medkit and switched it on. "Stand up, please."

Kathryn stood up and twirled as he scanned her. "Happy?"

"I'd be happier if you stood still. Please do so, Admiral."

Kathryn stopped moving and waited impatiently for him to finish.

But he did not finish.

Instead he scanned her again.

"I don't believe it," he said.

At this, Kathryn turned to him in concern. "Believe what? Is something wrong?"

"With my tricorder, quite possibly. Could you replicate me another, please?"

"Certainly," Kathryn said, somewhat subdued. "Right away."

With that, she went inside, replicated a medical tricorder, and then presented it to him.

"Here you are, Doctor."

The Doctor took it gratefully. "Thank you, Admiral."

He then quickly switched it on and scanned her.

"Just the same," he declared. "I truly don't believe it."

Kathryn swallowed. "Something is wrong, isn't it? With me, not the tricorder."

The Doctor looked up at her now. "Wrong? Nothing's wrong, Admiral. But you won't be riding with Chakotay in an hour. For the next five months, such a perilous sport will be confined to holozones with the safeties on."

Kathryn frowned. "Five months?" Then a light filled her eyes as immeasurable joy filled her heart. "You mean...?"

The Doctor nodded. "You're four months pregnant."

For a long moment, Kathryn did and said nothing. She couldn't, the joy was too great. Then she laughed. Laughed and cried all at once.

"Really? I'm pregnant? Really?"

"Really. Two tricorders don't lie."

Unable to contain her joy, Kathryn stepped forward and tearfully hugged The Doctor. "Oh, Doctor." Then, before he could speak, she drew away. "But how is it possible? You told me it was too late."

"I did not, Admiral. I said a pregnancy was unlikely, not impossible. You must pay more attention to my words."

"From now on, Doctor, your word is law to me. But are you sure I'm pregnant? I'm almost 47."

"A baby neither knows or cares for that. You're pregnant, Admiral, and that's that."

Kathryn wiped away a tear. "Do you know what it is? The baby?"

"An immature human," The Doctor teased, "in the gestational stage."

"I mean the gender," Kathryn laughed. "I'd like to know."

"Very well, it's a boy."

A boy.

The image of a black haired, brown eyed, little boy with dimples like his father filled Kathryn's mind and her heart skipped a beat.

"He's in perfect health," The Doctor went on, "and is developing normally. But we must take a good look at your diet to ensure that..."

"Yes, yes," Kathryn interrupted, "all and everything. But we'll have to speak later, Doctor. Right now I need to see Chakotay."

"Of course, Admiral. We'll speak tomorrow. 11:00 hours, my surgery."

"I'll be there." She then drew him close again. "Thank you, Doctor. You've just given me the best news of my life."

The Doctor smiled and hugged her back. "My delight, Admiral. Congratulations."

* * *

><p>In his office at Starfleet Headquarters, Chakotay got ready to meet Kathryn for their ride. His office was almost exactly as she had made it, the only real difference being a few pictures he had added to the walls, and it was bright and cheerful in the afternoon sun. After he'd switched off his computer, he went into his private bathroom, which was spacious enough to house a shower aswell as a lavatory and sink, and replicated riding gear. However, before he had the chance to put them on, the door chime played. Not wanting to ignore the caller, incase the matter was an important one, he left the bathroom and invited his visitor in.<p>

"Come in!"

The door slid open and Kathryn entered. Her face was glowing and she was smiling from ear to ear.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi," Chakotay replied. "This is a surprise."

"Not half as much of a surprise as what I have to tell you. But before I do, are we alone?"

"We are," he answered. "I was just about to change for our ride."

"It's canceled. Now and until next year."

Chakotay frowned. "It is?"

Kathryn nodded. "I'm pregnant."

A this, infinite joy filled Chakotay's eyes. "Pregnant?"

"Four months, with a boy."

The words took a moment to register, then Chakotay scooped her up in his arms. "Oh, Kathryn!"

"The Doctor just told me, but I can hardly believe it!"

"Neither can I. But he's sure?"

"As sure as sure can be."

Chakotay tearfully held her tighter. "Oh, Kathryn."

"I had no idea, Chakotay. I haven't felt sick or felt any kind of kicking. But The Doctor says I will any day now."

Chakotay drew away. "And you're four months, you say?"

"Four months. Which means he was conceived around our anniversary. Maybe even on it. And I'd certainly like to think he was, Chakotay, that we made him then." A tear ran down her cheek. "But we didn't know. He's been with us all this time and we didn't know."

Chakotay put his hand to her abdomen. "The gods have blessed us, Kathryn. This truly is a miracle."

"It is. I never thought this would happen for us.. But now we're going to be parents and...and it's the best thing that could happen."

Chakotay drew her close with a kiss. "The best thing ever, Kathryn. The best thing ever."

* * *

><p>FIVE MONTHS LATER<p>

The nursery was finally finished. Standing alone in the room, a big bump underneath her green sun dress, Kathryn looked around with a smile on her face. Cute bunnies decorated the white walls, bunnies that had been hand painted by Phoebe, a carpet of shimmering blue graced the floor, and in the middle of the room was a wooden crib that Chakotay had crafted. It was made of aspen wood, like most of the furniture in the lodge, and inside had a gorgeous patchwork quilt of rainbow squares that her mother had sewn. Above the crib was a glittering green dreamcatcher that jingled when it moved, and all around the room were colorful toys and teddy bears.

After having looked around for a while, Kathryn opened a drawer on an aspen bureau and put away the fruit of her morning's labor. It was a knitted blue coat. Even though she had made lots already, she never got tired of making them, and later planned on knitting booties to match. As she closed the drawer, a twinge in her side made her pause, but then she walked over to the window and looked out at the sea. It looked beautiful in the summer sun, blue and frothy, and the tide at long last was going out. All morning she'd been plagued by backache and wanted to take a stroll on the beach to see if it helped. Of course, the stony steps were too dangerous for a woman in her condition to attempt, so she'd have to beam to the sand. In fact, she would beam there now. Lunch she'd eaten before sewing the coat together and the afternoon was hers to do in as she pleased. Resolved, she raised her hand to hit the commbadge on her chest, but just as she was about to, the nursery door opened and Chakotay came in. He was dressed in uniform and was carrying a blue bag.

"Hi," Kathryn smiled. "You're home early."

"Yes. A meeting I was due to attend later has been canceled so I left the conference." He held up the blue bag. "You'll love what I found for you in an antiques fair across the street."

"Really? Then let me see, Sir."

Chakotay opened the bag and pulled out a toy robot. It was the size of a doll, made of silver metal, and had a cute face that smiled. There were a few dents on its body, and the red paint on its big nose had faded, but it was otherwise in good condition.

"Oh, how adorable," Kathryn said. "How old is it?"

"I don't know, but I'd guess it dates from the twenty second century." He then pressed a button on the robot's belly and put it down on a bureau. "Watch this."

In seconds, the robot came to life. It's nose lit up, it's head looked up, and it saluted them.

"Greetings, Voyager," it said. "Welcome to Earth."

At this, Kathryn laughed heartily. "You've programmed him to say that, haven't you?"

"No," Chakotay smiled. "I swear."

"Oh, but you must have. What are the odds of you finding him?"

"Clearly as good as the odds of us getting home."

The robot's nose dimmed now and the toy froze.

"Does it say or do anything else?" Kathryn asked.

"No," Chakotay replied. "I'm sure it did once, but now it doesn't."

Kathryn pressed the button on its belly again, and then laughed as it saluted them again and said the same words.

"I really can't believe you didn't program it," she said, "but if you say you didn't then I guess you didn't." She kissed his cheek. "Thank you, honey. You're right, I love it."

Chakotay smiled. "You're welcome." He then looked around. "Where's Kollie? I'm surprised he's not checking this guy out. He thinks every toy is for him."

"He's at Mom's. He's done nothing but drive me crazy all morning. First he dug up those flowers we planted by the verandah, and then he peed all over my tomatoes. It's taken me weeks to grow those and I'm still livid! There's going to be no treats for him this week. I'm also not in the best of moods as my back is killing."

At this, Chakotay was concerned. "Maybe we should call The Doctor."

"I already did. But did I get any sympathy? Oh, no. All he could say was that I should expect it at this stage of pregnancy. And he's right. With Junior so big now, the discomfort's got to get worse."

"Perhaps a bath will help."

"Maybe, but it seems worse when I sit so I thought I'd take a walk. In fact, I was just about to beam to the beach when you arrived."

"Then how about we take a walk together?"

Kathryn smiled. "That would be great. But first, I gotta go bathroom."

Chakotay laughed. "Ok."

* * *

><p>Half an hour later, Kathryn and Chakotay were on the beach. The tide had gone out quite far, further than it looked from the lodge, and they walked arm in arm across the sand. Chakotay was now out of uniform, having changed into shorts and t-shirt while Kathryn was in the bathroom, and Kathryn was wearing a straw hat on her head to protect her delicate skin from the sun. Still in pain, more so than before, she stopped often to rub her hurting back.<p>

"Oh," she groaned. "Whatever Junior is up to today, it sure is no good. The pain's just getting worse."

"Maybe a walk isn't such a good idea. Maybe we should beam home."

"No, I'll be..." But she could say no more as a sharp pain in her abdomen silenced her.

"We're beaming home," Chakotay said, "and I'm calling The Doctor." He then hit his commbadge. "Chakotay to Doctor Photon."

But, to his concern, only silence answered.

"Maybe your commbadge isn't working," Kathryn said, now able to speak. "I'll try mine."

With that, she made the same request using her commbadge, but again there was no response.

"The comm system must be down," Chakotay concluded. "Both commbadges can't be broken." He then put his hand on Kathryn's shoulder. "Come on. Our cave isn't that far. "

"I don't think I can make it there," Kathryn told him, clutching her abdomen again. "The pain is too bad." Tears then filled her eyes. "What if...what if something's wrong?"

"I doubt anything is wrong," Chakotay answered. Even though he feared something could be, he wanted her to stay as calm as possible. "You've probably just overdone things today."

As the pain subsided, Kathryn stood upright. "You're probably right. Our damn dog has put me through my paces." She then took Chakotay's arm and leant into him. "I can walk now. Let's go to the cave."

Slowly, they made their way to the cave. Luckily, Chakotay had made accessing the cave easier by rearranging the rocks with a transporter, so they were able to enter it side by side. When there, Chakotay helped Kathryn to sit on one of their rocky seats, and then he grabbed a medkit from the cupboard. She was once again in considerable pain and he was now very worried.

"What is it?" she asked tearfully as he scanned her. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," he said, "but we do have ourselves a situation. You're in labor."

Kathryn's eyes widened. "In labor?"

"That's right. Your cervix is dilating and the baby is starting to descend. But it'll probably be hours before he comes so take deep breaths and relax."

"Relax? He's early, Chakotay, and we're stuck in here!"

"There are worse places we could be. As to him being early, it's not by much. He's a good weight and will be just fine. But incase we're here for a while, we'd better make you more comfortable." He addressed the computer. "Computer, create a holographic bed, queen size, complete with pillows and covers."

Instantly, a queen size bed materialized before them. It was adorned with white blankets and pillows and was facing the sea.

"I should have known something crazy would happen," Kathryn said as Chakotay helped her to it. "There's probably been some global catastrophe, which means we won't get a beam out for days. Thank God you installed this holo-system because Junior might well be born here!"

"Would that be such a bad thing?"

At this, Kathryn looked up at Chakotay, infinite warmth in her eyes. "No. After all, he was conceived here." Then she smiled. "But I'm not sure how our son would feel about coming into the world in a cave."

Chakotay smiled back. "I'm sure he'd appreciate having a tale to tell."

"There is that. So long as he..."

She could say no more as a painful contraction gripped her.

"Lie down," Chakotay said. "It might help."

Kathryn lay down but the contraction was shortly followed by another. Then her waters popped.

"Oh God," Kathryn cried. "He's definitely coming! But he better not be a contrary like his daddy. If we're doing this alone, he'd better be the right way up!"

"He is," Chakotay laughed. "And I doubt we'll have to do it alone. First labors are long."

Kathryn almost scowled. "And that's supposed to make me feel better?"

Chakotay kissed her forehead. "Wrong choice of words." He then put his hand on her shoulder. "Let's get you cleaned up. I'll replicate a gown and whatever else you need."

* * *

><p>Two hours later, Kathryn and Chakotay were still stuck in the cave. All attempts at making contact with the world beyond had failed, and as Kathryn was in labor, Chakotay was unable to leave her to seek assistance. In fact, Kathryn's labor was progressing rapidly and the baby would be born any minute.<p>

"Have to push," she panted, clutching the holographic sheet beneath her. "Can't...fight it."

"Don't try," Chakotay told her. "Just go with your instincts."

Kathryn did as he said, pushing with all her might, and then...

And then a little cry filled the air.

"He's here," Chakotay said. "And he's perfect."

Kathryn laughed through tears and raised herself to look. The baby was in his father's hands, small and wrinkly, and had a mop of black hair. After scanning him with a tricorder, Chakotay wrapped him in a soft blue towel, and presented him to his tearful mother.

"Oh, Chakotay," she said, drawing their precious son close, "he's just..." She then kissed the baby's forehead. "Hello, my darling. We've been waiting for you."

Chakotay smiled, tearful himself, and sat beside her. "But we didn't expect to see you quite so soon, son."

"No," Kathryn laughed. "But you're here now and...and we love you so very, very much."

Chakotay kissed her damp hair. "I also love his mommy. What you just did was amazing, Kathryn. To think he was inside you, but now is here...it truly was incredible."

"It was. And I can hardly believe he's ours. That he's our son. But he is. He's our boy." She paused. "But you were amazing too. Delivering him the way you did...I'm so proud of you."

Chakotay kissed her again. "Not half as proud as I am of you."

"I'm just glad your meeting was canceled. If it hadn't been, if I'd been on this beach alone, then...then it doesn't bear thinking about."

"No," Chakotay said, the thought making him shudder. "But I'm here and we have a happy ending."

Kathryn nodded. "The happiest. In fact, I'm so happy that I think I'll cry forever."

Chakotay smiled. "I think this little fella's going to be the one doing the crying. But we're really going to have to decide on a name for him now...unless we plan on calling him Junior forever, which he might not appreciate at fifty."

"No," Kathryn laughed.

"And I think I have the perfect one. There's a story my people tell about a sea god called Kalaron. Born to Wind and Water, he's an airy spirit who wanders the seas helping those in danger upon the deep. In storms he guides sea nymphs to caves and sailors to shore. In one tale he helps a pregnant goddess to a cave where she gives birth to a boy that becomes the god of seafarers. His name is Malakye. In our ancient language it literally means mariner or voyager."

"Malakye," Kathryn said, "voyager. That has to be it, Chakotay. And I love it."

Chakotay smiled. "Me too."

Kathryn then stroked the baby's head and kissed his tiny fingers. "Welcome to the world, Malakye Edward Kolopak Janeway."

The precious infant cried and Kathryn laughed.

"Oh no. He doesn't like it."

"He does," Chakotay smiled, "he's just thinking he'll never remember it."

At this, they both laughed, then Kathryn addressed their son. "Don't worry, darling. We won't call you that all the time. How about Kye for short?"

The baby stopped crying and they could only take this as a yes.

"Then Kye you are," Kathryn smiled.

Suddenly, there was a crackle in Chakotay's commbadge, and then The Doctor's voice spoke.

"Doctor Photon to Admiral Janeway or Chakotay. Please respond."

Chakotay did so. "Chakotay here. What's happened? Why has the comm system been down?"

"Don't you know?"

"I wouldn't be asking if I did."

"Sabotage, Admiral. Some kind of virus has crippled the entire communication network, all backups too, and there's been Federation wide mayhem."

At this, Kathryn had to smile. "Didn't I say there bound to have been some global catastrophe?"

"You did," Chakotay smiled back.

"Is that you, I hear, Admiral?" The Doctor asked.

"If you mean me," Kathryn replied, "then yes, I'm here."

"How are you by now? I know you're not due for another two weeks, but if there's anything I've learnt in my short holographic life, it's that babies always come at crunch time."

"I'm fine, Doctor. But I do have need of you."

"You do? Then I'll be there in five minutes. Doctor out."

The connection terminated, but as soon as it did, another voice spoke. This time the female voice of Chakotay's colleague, Admiral Sandra Varnett.

"Varnett to Chakotay."

Chakotay responded. "Chakotay here."

"Where are you? We're all waiting on you."

"Waiting on me?"

"Our meeting, 16:00 hours."

Chakotay frowned. "But I received a message this lunch time saying it was canceled."

"From who?"

"I don't recall."

"Then you were misinformed. The meeting is still on. Some have had to get here by shuttle, with the comm system being down, but everyone is here except you."

"For that, I apologize. But you're going to have to go ahead without me. There's somewhere else I have to be...a family matter."

"Very well. I'll send you a report of proceedings later."

"Ok, thank you."

The woman then closed the connection and all went silent. As it did, Kathryn spoke.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Chakotay turned to her. "That the message wasn't a convenient mistake?"

Kathryn nodded.

"I am," he said. "Someone, in some time, must have been looking out for us."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "And I'm guessing that someone was you."

They gazed into each other's eyes, both grateful for the deliverance, and then looked again at their son. As they did, The Doctor materialized before them.

"Born?" he exclaimed when he saw the baby. "Already?" He then looked around. "And where on Earth are we? Some Klingon clinic?"

"A cave on our beach," Chakotay told him. "We were taking a walk when Kathryn went into labor."

"But a first labor typically lasts hours," he replied. "Couldn't you have walked back to the lodge?"

Kathryn spoke. "If I could have, I would have. But I could hardly walk here. Things kind of happened quickly, Doctor. One moment I had mild pains and the next I was delivering. It was all over in a couple of hours."

"Well, aren't you the lucky one! I've just spent the last eighteen hours delivering Tal Celes's baby."

"Really? She's had hers too?"

"Yes, but I had to resort to fetal transport in the end as the little madam was never going to come of her own accord. And what a squark she made when she did come! The whole palace heard! Oh, what it is to be a global mobile doctor! One minute I'm in a palace, the next in a cave!"

"I'm sorry we're such a come down to you, Doctor," Kathryn teased.

"Not you, just this hole in a rock! What a place to enter the world! But I guess it has some merit. Giving birth on the beach would have been marginally worse." He then scanned her and the baby. "All as I'd expect. Now, what time was he born, please?"

"Time?" Kathryn said. "We forgot to note it. About fifteen minutes ago."

The Doctor sighed. "This is what comes of having an amateur delivery. I'll have to calculate it. 'Fifteen minutes ago' won't suffice on a birth record." He scanned Malakye again and quickly calculated his birth time. "Approximately 15:49 hours. And, for your information, that was thirty minutes ago."

"Really? Thirty?"

"The placenta is still attached but the umbilical cord has stopped pulsating. Would you like me to cut it?"

"No offense, Doctor," Kathryn answered, "but I'd like Chakotay to do that honor."

The Doctor sighed. "Very well." He then opened his medkit and presented Chakotay with a scissors. "All yours, Daddy."

Chakotay took the scissors and then cut the cord.

"Now," The Doctor said, "we can stay in this stables if you wish, but I strongly suggest we induce the placenta and get ourselves indoors. Your bedroom will suffice. Neither you or Junior needs hospitalizing."

"He has a name now," Kathryn told him, "Malakye. Malakye Edward Kolopak Janeway."

"Malakye," The Doctor mused. "In Chakotay's culture, the god of seafarers born to a goddess in a cave. I can see the inspiration. I would, however, not take the goddess analogy too far, Admiral. You may be many things, but immortal isn't one of them...even if you did think so on Voyager."

"Oh, I don't know," Chakotay smiled. "She looks divine to me."

The Doctor took back the scissors. "You're biased." He then cleaned the scissors and returned them to his medkit. "Now, shall I induce the placenta?"

"Yes," Kathryn said, handing the baby to Chakotay. "But before we leave, I'd like to make a video. Nothing fancy, just something to capture the moment."

The Doctor sighed again. "I should have known that was coming. Tal Celes had cameras everywhere. But then, her baby is a future queen, and she was born in the lap of luxury. Janeway Junior can hardly make the same claim."

"Maybe not," Kathryn said, "but I'll tell you this, Doctor. No baby could be more loved than our son, and no parents could be prouder. That's what matters, and that's what will matter to him."

At these words, The Doctor was humbled. "You're right, Admiral. Forgive me. I didn't mean to offend. Your son is very lucky to have you and Chakotay as parents, and he will think so too. In fact, if I had to pick which baby to be, it would be yours everytime...though please don't tell Tal Celes I said that. He's going to have a wonderful life and is going to bring much joy to yours. Sleepless nights, fatigue, and earaches, but much joy."

Kathryn smiled, her eyes moist. "Thank you, Doctor."

The Doctor then induced the placenta, which slid out effortlessly, and completed delivery by giving Kathryn a hyposhot.

"There," he said, "all done. Now, let's get to making this video. Shall I film?"

"We'd appreciate that," Kathryn said, taking Malakye back from Chakotay. "There's a camera in the cupboard."

"A cave with a cupboard," The Doctor said as he turned to it. "Now I truly have seen everything."

He then opened the cupboard, took out the camera, and began filming.

END OF CHAPTER FORTY FOUR


	45. Chapter 45

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

_Thank you to everyone who has stuck with this story. I know it has been a long time in the works, with a lot of gaps in between chapters, and is a difficult and painful subject to read about. It's a story I wanted to write for a long time, and I hope I have done the subject and the characters justice._

**THE YEARNING**

**CHAPTER 45**

**NOVEMBER, 2409**

The lecture hall was busy. As busy as lecture halls always were when Kathryn was giving a talk on the Delta Quadrant. Today, the subject was the Kazon, which made a change from The Borg, and after giving her presentation, Kathryn answered questions. There were a lot, some of them amusing ones that made her and the auditorium laugh, and Kathryn answered as many as time allowed. Then, when the lecture was over, she left the stage to the usual applause and was welcomed in the wings by colleagues and VIP's that had come to hear her speak. Her public lectures were always quite the event and were broadcast all over the Federation. Kathryn politely greeted all those that wanted to meet her or speak with her, and then she left with Admiral Clare James for the admirals' lounge. The auditorium was still emptying, and as they made their way to the speaker's exit, Kathryn saw a student of hers in the crowd. The girl's name was Alison Riley and she was a very gifted astrophysicist. Lately, however, her work had been below par and she had missed several classes. Leaving her colleague momentarily, Kathryn pushed her way through the throng and approached the girl.

"Alison," she said. "It's good to see you here."

The thin girl with long brown hair and blue eyes, turned to her slowly and was clearly uncomfortable at having been singled out.

"Admiral," she replied. "Thank you. It was...it was a great lecture."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it. But it isn't the lecture I want to talk to you about." Gently, she put her hand on the girl's shoulder. "Is everything alright, Alison? You've been missing a lot of classes lately and your work, which has always been brilliant, has been lacking your stellar quality."

Tears welled in the girl's eyes, but with great effort she blinked them back. "I'm fine, Admiral. I've just...I've just been finding this last module difficult. But I'll do my best to improve my work."

"I find it hard to believe someone who won the Jezora Prize in quantum mechanics finds core theory difficult."

"Well, I do. Now, please excuse me, Admiral, I've got another lecture to attend."

With that, the girl turned away, but Kathryn caught her arm.

"My door is always open, Alison. If you want to talk, about anything at all, you know where I am."

Alison gave a nod and then disappeared into the crowd.

* * *

><p>That afternoon, alone in her office, Kathryn took a much needed break from marking essays to replicate herself a coffee. Her neck was stiff, her back too, and she rubbed both while she waited for her favorite beverage to materialize. It did so, steaming into the air as always, and she sat on a nearby sofa to enjoy it. Outside, rain was beating against the window, falling from a gray sky just as it had for weeks, and the persistent wet weather over San Francisco reminded her of that summer of long ago when it had rained constantly. It wasn't summer now, though. Now it was autumn. The days and nights were getting longer and winter was only a few days away.<p>

Winter.

Life truly was like the seasons. First there was spring, a time of youth and of growing; then there was summer, a time of full prime; then there was autumn, a time of maturity; and then there was winter, a time of decline. At 75, she was now in her winter years, and the aches and pains of aging constantly reminded her, but she was happier than she had ever been in her prime. Long gone was the heartache that had haunted the summer of her life. Now it was just a distant memory. The last thirty years had been wonderful. While there had been ups and down, highs and lows, she and Chakotay had been very happy together and had loved every moment of raising their son. He was 28 now, a ground working Starfleet Officer, and lived with his wife on a ranch close to Goyevar Lodge. They had a beautiful four year old daughter, called Briony, and she was the apple of all their eyes.

Suddenly, the door chime played. Regretfully, Kathryn put down her coffee and got to her feet.

"Come in!"

The door slid open and Alison came in. The pretty cadet was in uniform, a bag over her shoulder, and she looked like she had been crying.

"Hi, Alison," Kathryn said kindly. "Please, take a seat."

For a long moment Alison didn't move, she just stood where she was, but then she slowly crossed the room and sat were Kathryn was gesturing.

"I...I'm sorry to bother you," she said quietly, "but you said that if..."

Kathryn helped her out. "If you wanted to talk, my door is always open."

The young girl nodded.

"And it is," Kathryn said. She then addressed the computer. "Computer, change my status to unavailable."

The Computer instantly responded. "Status changed."

"Now, tell me what's wrong."

Tears flooded Alison's eyes and then... and then she was crying.

Slowly, Kathryn closed the gap between them and put her arm around the girl. "What ever it is, you can tell me."

"I can't," she wept. "I thought I could, but I can't. I can't tell anyone."

As the girl wept, each sob more painful than the last, Kathryn felt a sinking feeling inside. In this cadet it was so easy to see another cadet, a cadet who had also missed classes and submitted substandard work, a cadet whose life had been shattered by the violence of a man. With her whole heart, Kathryn hoped she was wrong, that it was something else that was causing this hurt, but every instinct told her otherwise.

"But you want to tell me, don't you?" she said.

Alison nodded.

"But you can't say the words."

At this, the girl froze, and then she tearfully looked up, her eyes searching Kathryn's with a painful desperation. Gently, Kathryn brushed a stray strand of hair away from the girl's face.

"I understand," she said, "because if what I'm thinking is right, I've been..."

But before she could finish her sentence, Alison broke away and got to her feet.

"I'm sorry, Admiral," she said, "but I shouldn't have come. My life is my problem and...Goodbye, Admiral."

With that, she hurried over to the door. As she did, Kathryn called out.

"Alison!"

Instinctively, the girl stopped, but she did not turn around.

"I'm giving a talk tomorrow evening to a support society for women hurt by men. The society is called Healing the Hurt and the meeting will be in The Palladome, Chicago, at 18:00 hours. Anyone is welcome to attend."

For the longest time, Alison did and said nothing, then she walked away and the door closed behind her.

* * *

><p>The following evening, smartly dressed in a red outfit with her silver hair in a bun, Kathryn talked to a gathering of people in one of The Palladome's more intimate meeting rooms. There were about seventy people in all, most of them women, and they were seated in rows before the meeting's leaders and guest speakers. Kathryn was to speak last, and as she took to the lectern, she scoured the room to see if Alison was amongst the audience. However, if the girl was present, it was impossible to find her amongst the sea of faces. Giving up the search, Kathryn took a sip of water to lubricate her dry mouth, and then she spoke to the audience.<p>

"First," she said, "let me say what an honor it is to be here. I was very glad to receive this invitation and I hope that what I have to say offers comfort in some way. Most of you know that once, a long time ago, I got a ship called Voyager home from the Delta Quadrant, but what some of you might not know is that as a first year cadet at The Academy I was raped by my boyfriend. It isn't something I talk about a lot, and for many years I didn't make my story public as I wasn't ready to share it, but when I did go public, I did so for one reason only, and that was to offer hope to those suffering. We don't like to talk about rape. Many of us, because we've experienced it, others because they don't want to think about it. So we don't talk about it. And because no one talks about it, those of us who have been through it can feel very alone. That is what I felt for the longest time, alone. We live in a society were sex is constantly in our faces, where the assumption is that everyone is having it, and I didn't think that anyone would ever be able to understand my pain. After the rape, I didn't want to think about sex. The very thought of it made me feel sick. My only experience of it had been so horrific that I couldn't imagine it ever being anything else. Not everyone feels that way, reactions differ, but that's how I felt. I was eighteen at the time of the assault and still a virgin. I distanced myself from men, cut my hair and wore baggy clothes to make myself less attractive, and I threw myself into my work. It was an escape for me, a place of refuge from a world that I struggled to belong in.

In my career I've been awarded many medals, some for bravery, but the truth is I'm not as brave as many of you in this room. I never had the courage to report the man who raped me. I couldn't face it. I couldn't face everyone knowing or the legal proceedings that would follow. I just wanted the pain to go away. But it never went away, and the more I denied it, the stronger its power over me became. I should have told someone and sought the help that many of you are seeking, but I didn't. I kept it all to myself. I didn't even tell my boyfriend when, eventually, I fell in love again. I thought that if I didn't tell him it wouldn't have to be real, that it wouldn't have to touch our relationship. But it did. The night we tried to make love, I had a flashback. My boyfriend guessed why and was very understanding and supportive. We resolved to face up to my past, and to get the counseling we needed, but before we could, my boyfriend was killed in a shuttle crash. After this, my life spiraled out of control. I didn't care about anything anymore, not even my work that had always been my haven, and I started drinking and sleeping around. It started when a friend set me up on a date, thinking it would help me to start living again, but I ended up getting drunk and sleeping with the guy. The next morning I felt euphoric, like I'd beaten all my demons and was normal, and I wanted to keep on feeling normal, so I kept on drinking and sleeping with guys. But I knew deep down inside that I wasn't normal, that normal women didn't need to be drunk to have sex. Always I was drunk and always the guy was a stranger.

All this did nothing to help me. In fact, it only made my problems a thousand times worse. After ten years of living that way, I found it almost impossible to have a serious relationship. I wanted to, as I wanted to marry and have children, and in the hope of achieving that I tried to turn my life around. I stopped getting drunk and picking up men and got romantically involved with a close friend. But even though I loved him, I couldn't tell him about the rape and I couldn't sleep with him. For almost a year we were together, but for most of that year I was away. Little time did we actually spend together. I was very confused about sex by this point. I'd had it so many times that I wasn't scared of it, not of the physical act, but at the same time I was terrified. Mostly of having another flashback. When my boyfriend started to ask for sex, I would make my excuses, but I'd finally got to the point where I knew I had to get help. And that's what I planned to do. I planned to tell him about the assault and to get counseling. But once again fate intervened and my life went in a completely different direction, this time in the direction of the Delta Quadrant.

I could talk about how I felt about our stranding, about the responsibility on my shoulders and the loneliness of command, but while there were difficult times in the Delta Quadrant, those years were some of the best of my life. I met people who became very special to me and developed friendships that are still going strong. I also had what some might say a third chance with Chakotay, my Maquis First Officer. Our paths had crossed in the past, more than once, but because of my issues I had pushed him away. He didn't remember that we'd met, as he'd suffered severe head trauma in an accident a few years before, but our past acquaintance was one of the main reasons I volunteered to capture him and his crew. Over the seven years we were on Voyager, I fell in love with him, even though I wasn't supposed to as his captain, and he fell in love with me. We confessed our feelings, but not only did I now have my past to contend with but also the command structure. Even though my reason told me that a relationship between us would be acceptable in our circumstances, even mutually beneficial, the officer in me believed that it was wrong. And, indeed, many would maintain that it would have been wrong. But, right or wrong, I did try to have a relationship with him. At that time it seemed the right thing to do. We loved each other, very much, and were a long way from home. But again I made the mistake of not telling him about my past, which resulted in another flashback when we began to make love. Chakotay believed the command structure was the problem, and I let him believe it as I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth. We decided to keep things platonic, even though it wasn't easy for either of us, and we didn't get together again until we were home.

We often say that things are meant to be, that everything happens for a reason, and as I look back over my life, it certainly seems to me that Chakotay and I were meant to be. A psychic even told me that once, told me that in him I would find the love and peace I craved. And she was right. For the last forty years he has been my closest companion, the person I have relied on the most, and for the last thirty years has been the best husband any woman could have. But because I wasn't honest with him about my past, I almost lost him. For over a year I did. Our lives went in different directions and, if he hadn't of remembered our past acquaintance and what it meant for our relationship, we might never have got together. But we did get together and have been together ever since. Luckily, I'd already started to have counseling by this point, as I'd finally done what I should have done all those years ago and got help, and that made things easier. But even though I loved him with all my heart, intimacy was very difficult for us in the beginning. For some, sitting on a man's lap is hard, because that's where the abuse took place, but for me it was the missionary position. But, you know, Chakotay said I'd always been on top in the briefing room so why not in the bedroom?"

As she raised a teasing eyebrow, the listeners laughed.

"But no, he never said that. He was very understanding and patient. In fact, it took a lot of understanding and patience on his part to get us through that time. Some people might not understand this, as they think love is an instant fix, but it isn't always. Sometimes it's more of a long term cure. It can take time to build up intimacy, to learn to connect your mind to the experience, and to be ready for intercourse. That was my biggest problem, connecting my mind to the experience. For so many years I'd made my mind drunk so I wouldn't be present. I've always been a person that likes to be in control, and relinquishing that control, even with someone I loved, was hard for me. But with Chakotay, I came to realize that I was still in control even when I relinquished it.

Some of you might think that you'll never find a man who will understand your pain and be loving and patient. I certainly felt that way. But such men are out there. They might not be easy to find, and it does take a special kind of person, but they are out there. Men like my husband that love unselfishly. For weeks he put my needs above his own, something he'd always done on Voyager, and it wasn't until after we were married that I was actually ready to consummate our relationship. He has always been a very handsome man, and could have had any woman he wanted, but he wanted me. Wanted me with all my flaws and baggage. The first time we made love was one of the greatest moments of my life and I know it was for him too. I'd always been afraid of what intimacy meant in a relationship, afraid of the balance between pleasure and love, and I didn't think I would ever be the passionate woman I wanted to be. But a dear friend once told me not to look that far, to live only for the moment, and she was right. Chakotay and I went on to have a wonderful sex life. So that is my advice to you, not to look that far. If we try, our fears and feelings distort what we see. What I thought was so complicated and ugly turned out to be quite simple and beautiful. The same wise friend also said that while a wound may scar it stops bleeding. And that was also true for me. It was a long time before I stopped hurting inside, longer perhaps that most of you here, but the pain did ease eventually and I lived the life l could once only have dreamt of. At 46 I had a surprise present in the shape of a baby boy...not something one expects at 46...but he was without a doubt the greatest gift of my life. He's all grown up now, which tells you how old I am, and has a beautiful little girl that lights up all our lives with her joy and energy.

I used to say that the rape destroyed my life, but I don't say that anymore. It didn't destroy my life. I've had a wonderful life. I've known the love of a good man and have a family that I love very much and am very proud of. Now I say the rape changed me. It changed me forever. I was never again the woman I had been before. I couldn't be. He'd taken something very special from me and a part of me died forever that night. But while my life was in pieces, it wasn't destroyed. With the love of my husband, and the support of my best friend and counselor, I was able to pick up the pieces and fix them together. Now, with their reinforcements, the whole is stronger than ever. I've been lucky, and I know some are not so lucky, but if I hadn't made the decision to turn my life around and get the help I needed, then my life might be a different story today.

I'm probably the last person who should talk about accepting the past for what it is, as I'm sure most of you know how we got Voyager home, but I've learnt in my life that if we accept our past for what it is then we find peace in the present. I wouldn't wish what I've suffered on anyone, but if there's anything good to have come out of what I went through, it's the inner strength I now have and the ability to understand the pain of others. I wouldn't change my past because it's made me the person that I am today. It made me the captain that Voyager needed and it made me a more compassionate and understanding person. It was a hefty price to pay, but if my experience helps just one other person, then my suffering hasn't been in vain. To heal, we need to make peace with our past, but we won't find peace if we keep asking why us. I did ask that at first. Why me? What had I done to deserve the pain? But now I ask why not me? Why am I so special that this darkness that touches so many lives wouldn't touch mine? It can touch any of us, at any time, either directly by happening to ourselves or to someone we love. And I know that's why some of you are here, because someone you love has suffered a sexual or physical assault and you want to learn more so you can help them. Just by being here, and by being there for them, you're helping them.

I have no doubt that some of you are feeling ashamed of your pain. I did for a long time. I felt that I had no right to hurt so much from one assault when some people have suffered years of sexual and physical abuse, even torture and gang rapes. I was ashamed that my life was in pieces but theirs seemed to be whole. But my message to you is to not feel ashamed. Any assault, whether it is physical, sexual, or mental, hurts us and we have a right to feel that hurt. Denying the pain won't help. It just buries it deep inside us in a place we can't reach. We all respond to things differently, and how we respond depends on so many things from our personalities to our life circumstances. None of us can ever know what it's like to be someone else, even with all the mind melding techniques and technologies available today, because qualia...the individual experience that is unique to every one of us...is something that we just can't share. All we can do is accept how we feel, share our pain, and try to understand the pain of others. It's never too late to turn our lives around. Never too late to seek support. In some ways, I guess that's preaching to the converted, as most of you here have already sought the support of this wonderful society, but for those of you that might not yet have told someone, and are suffering all alone, there are people who can help. People who will listen and not judge. Every life is precious, and every person is worthy of being loved. For a long time I didn't think that anyone could love me, not the me inside, and I felt broken and dirty. Even in the early days of my relationship with Chakotay I felt that. I constantly needed reassurance from him that he loved me for me and not for sex. But we are all special, all valuable, and the healing process can start just by realizing that.

Thank you again for inviting me here today, and thank you for listening to what I have to say. Like our other guest speakers, I will be participating in the questions and answers session a little later, and I hope you feel free to ask any questions you may have. Thank you and my best wishes to you all."

With that, Kathryn ended her talk and stepped down from the stage. The audience clapped, a token of their respect and regard, and Kathryn took her seat in the front row again. As she did, she had one last look around for Alison, but all she could see was the faces of strangers.

* * *

><p>The morning, at last, was sunny and bright. In her office, Kathryn tried to concentrate on the reports at hand, but all she could think about was Alison. She could not get the young girl's pain out of her mind and it troubled her greatly. If her instinct was right, and Alison was going through what she had gone through all those years before, then what she did or didn't do now could change that young girl's life forever. If Alison got the help and support that she needed now, then maybe, just maybe, it would save her from years of heartache. Years that would twist and deform the hurt inside her into a soul consuming monster.<p>

But what could be done? How could she reach Alison? How could she get her to open up? This first attempt had clearly failed. If the girl had attended the talk, it had done no good. At least, not to her knowledge. Perhaps it had inspired her to get in touch with someone. After all, there were people less intimidating to approach than a Federation famous admiral who was one of the most decorated officers in Starfleet history. Perhaps the girl had spoken to someone at the event and had been referred to a counselor. But if she hadn't, if she hadn't attended the talk, then some other way would have to be found of reaching her. One thing was for sure, something had to be done. There was no way she could stand by and let another suffer the way she had.

Then, unexpectedly, the door chime played. Kathryn put down the report she was holding, though not reading, and called out.

"Come in!"

The door slid open and Alison came in. The pale girl was out of uniform, wearing instead a black outfit beneath a denim jacket, and her long hair was pulled back plainly from her face.

"Alison," Kathryn said, getting to her feet. "I'm glad you're here."

"I...I went to the talk you mentioned," Alison told her, "and..."

Kathryn closed the gap between them. "And...?"

Tears flooded the girl's eyes. "What you said happened to you...your boyfriend at The Academy...it...it happened to me."

And then...

And then Alison broke down and wept.

Gently, Kathryn gathered the girl in her arms, fighting tears herself.

"I'm so sorry, Alison," she said. "I'm so deeply sorry."

For the longest time, Alison clung to her, heartbreaking sobs racking her thin body, and then she spoke.

"I said no," she wept, "I did, I know, but he... Now I just want to die."

"I understand," Kathryn said. "I felt that way too. But everything's going to be ok, I promise. You did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. The blame and the shame are all his."

"But I feel like I'm to blame," Alison sobbed. "I feel like...like in some way it's my fault or that I deserved it."

"Never. Never think that for a second. What he did was a crime. You're in no way to blame."

"But how can I report him? His father is an admiral and...and what you said...about not being able to face it...neither can I."

Kathryn gently drew the girl away. "You don't have to decide on that right now. I could lie to you, and say that reporting the guy would lead to a conviction, but all too often it doesn't. What matters is getting the support you need."

"But I'm not strong enough too. I...I'm not strong."

Kathryn put her hand to the girl's cheek.

"You are, Alison. And if you're not, lean on me. I made the mistake of keeping my pain all to myself, of not telling anyone and bottling it all up, and it almost destroyed me. But my past doesn't have to be your future. You can make a better one right here, right now. You owe it to yourself and I owe it to you. So we'll deal with this together and we'll come out stronger on the other side. I won't let you face this alone."

Hope filled the girl's wet eyes. "Really? You'll help me?"

"Every step of the way."

Alison smiled through tears and then hugged Kathryn again.

* * *

><p>The November night was unusually warm. Standing on the verandah of Goyevar Lodge, only a cardigan over the red dress she was wearing, Kathryn looked out at the sea. The moon was full, casting a silver light over the bay, and the waves were gently lapping the shore. It was a sight that soothed her soul, just had it had many times over the years, and filled her heavy heart with peace. Tonight was not a night to be sad. Tonight was a special night. The night of her thirtieth wedding anniversary to Chakotay. It was on this night, all those years ago, that they had pledged their lives to each other, and it was a night that would forever be cherished in their hearts.<p>

Suddenly, there were footsteps behind her and then Chakotay appeared. He was wearing a black sweater over black pants and, like her, his hair was now silver. Slowly, he closed the gap between them, and then he put his hand on her shoulder.

"Is everything ok, Kathryn? You've been quiet since I got back."

For the past two weeks he'd been attending a conference on Regis Prime and had only returned that afternoon, a day later than planned due to the resheduling of several lectures.

"I'm fine, honey," Kathryn said, turning to him. "I just...well, tonight isn't the night to talk about it. No doubt my dear sister, and our darling son, have planned something extravagant for us, despite me telling them we wanted to celebrate alone."

"They have," he confirmed. "Kye just called. We can expect a beam out in approximately an hour."

"I knew it! I just hope it's not a party in a plush restaurant somewhere. I really wanted an intimate occasion."

"Me too. But he told us to dress casual, so it can't be too formal."

Kathryn smiled. "Then I guess there's hope."

"I guess there is." He then took Kathryn's hands in his. "But what's bothering you? Did something happen while I was away? I know we don't have time for a heart to heart, but I'd really like to know."

Kathryn hesitated, but then decided to tell him. If she didn't, he would only worry all night.

"I had a visit the other day from one of my students," she began. "I've been concerned about her for some time, as she's been missing a lot of classes and submitting substandard work, and I told her to come to me if anything was troubling her. Well, she came and...and the short of it is that what happened to me...Neal...happened to her."

"I see," Chakotay said. "I'm sorry."

"Me too. She didn't tell me right away, she couldn't, but I guessed. I invited her to attend the talk I was giving the other night and it moved her to open up." She paused. "I've arranged counselling for her, and today I went with her to make an official report of the assault. After taking some time to think about it she decided that she wanted to. I thought we'd have a battle on our hands, as getting a conviction can be difficult and the father of the cadet responsible is a very influential admiral, but while being questioned later he admitted the charge." Tears filled her eyes. "But while this spares Alison...the girl...the ordeal of a trial, it won't undo the hurt. Nothing will ever do that. I just hope that I can make a difference. That I can help her to put the pieces of her life back together. I don't want her to suffer the way I did."

Chakotay squeezed her hands. "It sounds to me like you already have made a difference. A profound one. And no doubt your talk the other night made a difference to others too."

"I'd like to think so." A tear ran down her cheek. "I wanted to be wrong about Alison, you know? I wanted her problem to be something else, anything else. But it wasn't something else and...and seeing her so upset...listening to what she had to say...it kind of brought everything back to me. Reminded me of the girl I used to be. The woman I still would be if it wasn't for you."

"That isn't true, Kathryn. I was just a support. You did the hard work."

"It is true, Chakotay. Without your love, your patience and understanding, I don't know what would have become of me. You stayed by my side when many would have walked away and you showed me how to love and trust again. I have never forgotten that and every day I'm thankful for it. We've had a wonderful life together, made a wonderful family, and that's all because you loved me. Loved me when I couldn't love myself. On Voyager you kept me safe, even before, and all the pain I went through is just a memory now. One that doesn't hurt me anymore. The woman I was, and the woman I am, they're two different people. Forever bound as one, but different. When we make love now, it's hard to remember why it was once so hard for me. I don't even try to remember." Another tear escaped her eye. "I just hope that Alison finds a man as wonderful as you."

Chakotay tenderly brushed his fingers against her cheek. "I'm the lucky one, Kathryn. I once told you that loving you, and being intimate with you, could only ever be a privilege, and that's what it has been. A privilege. The greatest of my life."

Tearfully, Kathryn drew him close and held him tight. "I love you so much."

Chakotay kissed her hair and held her in return. "I love you too."

"And I truly am fine. This is a special night and I'm really looking forward to it. Even if we end up in a plush restaurant, I don't care. All that matters is that we celebrate together."

Chakotay smiled and gently drew her away. "I'll remind you of that when we get ambushed for autographs."

Kathryn laughed. "Well, maybe we won't. Maybe the conspirators have hired a yacht or have booked a private hall somewhere."

"I guess we'll find out soon enough."

"I guess. But we'd better get ready. What do you say? A white suit for you and a white dress for me? That is the traditional color of pearl."

Chakotay smiled. "Sounds good."

"Then let's get ourselves showered and changed. And quickly. We don't want to be beamed out in the nuddy."

"No," Chakotay laughed. "But I don't know who it would be worse on...us or them."

"Definitely them," she said, taking his arm, "they'd have nightmares for years!"

"Are we that much out of shape?"

"In young eyes, darling, I think we are."

Chakotay laughed again and then they left the verandah.

* * *

><p>By the time the transport came, Kathryn and Chakotay were ready for their beam out. Chakotay looked handsome in a suit of white, a silver shirt beneath, and Kathryn beautiful in a figure-hugging white velvet dress and matching jacket. In her bunned hair was a white rose, a gift from Chakotay, and around her neck was the beloved shell necklace he had made her. When they materialized at their surprise location, Kathryn truly expected it to be a plush restaurant, but to her delight they were somewhere else. Somewhere that was very special. Their beloved cave. Above them lights were glittering, just as they had on their wedding day, and around them were dozens of pink and white roses. To their right was a long buffet table, beautifully decorated with white lace, flowers and candles, and above it was a stylish banner reading <em>Happy 30<em>_th__ Anniversary Kathryn and Chakotay_. To their left, standing outside the cave on the sand, was their family and friends and they were all cheering. Amongst the small crowd was Phoebe and Azryn, now an architect; Holly and her two daughters, Katie and Sadie; Tom, B'Elanna and Miral; Tuvok and his grandson, Jedix; Seven and Zak; Naomi Wildman and her daughter, Sabrina; Harry and his third wife, Casey; The Doctor and his new wife, Lana; Aunt Martha, who at 106 was seated in a hoverchair; and their own son, Malakye, with his wife, Gemma, and daughter, Briony. The pretty little girl was wearing a white cardigan over a blue dress, and she had her grandfather's coloring but her grandmother's looks. Her black hair, long and silky, was loose over her shoulders and fell in a wild fringe above her blue eyes. In her hands was a bunch of red roses and, with a smile, she presented it to them.

"Happy anniversary, grandma and grandpa."

Kathryn took the flowers and kissed the child's cheek. "Thank you, my darling. Aren't they beautiful?"

"And real, grandma, not replicated. Daddy and me got them today in a big garden in Florida."

Kathryn smiled. "Then that makes them all the more special."

Malakye stepped forward now and embraced his parents. Like his father, he was tall and handsome, and on his temple was the same tattoo. "Happy Anniversary, folks."

"Thank you," Kathryn said, hugging him as best as she could with the flowers. "And what a surprise this is! We thought you were sending us to some fancy restaurant for sure!"

Phoebe, now having bobbed silver hair, spoke. "Oh, we can do better than that, sis."

"So I can see." On the rocks, out of harms way, were lots of tiny lamp lights that not only lit up the beach but warmed the autumn air. "And I'm impressed and delighted."

The Doctor, never one to be silent long, spoke now. "As are we to be here. Of course, I could think of a thousand other places I would rather celebrate, a hole in a rock is still to me just a hole in a rock, but as it means so much to you two, I'm thrilled to be a part of this happy family. And, while we're all here, let me introduce you to my beautiful new wife, Lana."

The attractive blonde woman smiled at the crowd. "Hello, every one."

Tom held out his hand to her. "Welcome to the family, Lana. There's no getting out now."

"I don't know about that," Harry laughed. "What number wife is this now, Doc? Nine or ten?"

"Number eight," he answered, somewhat embarrassed. "Can I help it if my eternal youth is a marriage-killer? And you're no one to talk, Harry Kim. You're on number three. But this time, it really is forever. In fact, I'd say this party could be ours in thirty years time, but the reality is most of you will have bitten the dust by then. I, on the other hand, won't look a day older."

"If you don't quit with the ego, Doctor," B'Elanna said, "you won't be here in thirty minutes time as I'll decompile your program."

"No need to get hostile," he replied. "I'm simply stating facts."

B'Elanna opened her mouth to speak, but Tom got in first, addressing the crowd. "I could make a speech," he said, "about how long I've known Kathryn and Chakotay, and what a wonderful couple they are, but as I'm sure you'd all much rather get stuck into the feast that Phoebe, Kye and Gemma have made for us all, I'll say only congratulations and well done. As someone who's been married even longer, I know it's a knockout game. So happy anniversary, admiral and admiral. May there be many more."

"There won't be for us," B'Elanna teased, "if you don't watch it."

The Doctor smiled. "Looks like I'm not the only one in the dog-house. But to all you said, Tom, I say amen. I hope our favorite admirals have many more happy years together."

"Thank you," Kathryn said, "and thank you all for coming. It means a lot to us to have you here. I know there are grander places we could celebrate, but there is no where on Earth more special to me and Chakotay. It was here, thirty years ago this very night, that we promised our lives to each other, and it was here almost two years later that our son was born. This place holds a lot of memories for us, all of them happy, and I'm glad that tonight we can make another special one. Now, unless Chakotay wants to say a few words, I suggest we get out the champagne and get eating."

"All I want to say," Chakotay said, his arm around Kathryn, "is that the last thirty years have been the happiest of my life. My mother always used to say that a man alone is only half of a whole, but until I met Kathryn I didn't understand what she meant. Kathryn is in every way my other half and I love her now even more than I did thirty years ago. Together we've raised a son that I'm very proud of, and we have an amazing granddaughter. I'm a very lucky man and I thank the gods that when they matched my heart to another's, they matched it to Kathryn's. She's the love of my life and I will love her for the rest of it."

At this, Kathryn tearfully put her hand to his cheek. "As I will you, darling." Then, to the applause of the crowd, she kissed him.

"Now can we eat?" Tom said.

"Yes," Kathryn laughed, "now we can eat."

Tom grinned and then went, as did several others, into the cave. As the grotto wasn't big enough to hold everyone, a few stayed outside to personally congratulate Kathryn and Chakotay. Amongst them was Holly, who looked well for her age, and she embraced her old friend.

"Congratulations, Kath."

"Thanks, Holl. I'm so glad you're here." She then turned to Katie, who looked a lot like her mother. "And you, Katie."

Katie smiled. "I wouldn't miss it for anything. Congratulations."

"Thank you. And congratulations to you too. Your Mom tells me you've just got engaged."

"I have. We're getting married in the spring, in a villa in Austria, and I hope you and Chakotay will come."

"Of course we will. To quote a certain person, I wouldn't miss it for anything."

Azryn approached now. Unlike Malakye, he did not have a temple tattoo, but he was just as tall and handsome. In 2393, The Doctor had found a cure for his condition, so he was now treatment free. Beside him was Sadie, the youngest of Holly's daughters that was now his wife, and Kathryn and Holly often joked about what that made them. Sadie was a pretty woman, with long blonde hair, and was visibly pregnant.

"Congratulations, Aunt and Uncle," Azryn smiled.

Chakotay, now having finished talking to B'Elanna, replied. "Thanks, Azryn."

"How's the bump doing?" Kathryn asked Sadie. "You sure are big. Is there definitely only one in there?"

"Definitely," Sadie smiled. "Unless there's a twin hiding behind some invisible shield. I just hope she's not going to be twelve pounds or I'll never push her out. But we've finally decided on a name and you'll all love it. It's Holpheka. You know, Holly, Phoebe and Kathryn shortened and stuck together."

"We get it," Kathryn smiled, "and I certainly love it."

"Took us ages to come up with," Sadie went on, "as we wanted something that sounded like a name but also sounded Native American. This is perfect as phonetically it means precious one in the ancient language of Azryn's people. To us, she's certainly that."

"And to all of us," Kathryn said. "And I'm deeply honored to be honored in her name."

Briony spoke now, tugging at Kathryn's jacket as she did. "Grandma, Grandma..."

Kathryn turned to the child. "Yes, darling."

"Aunt Martha would like me to dance for everyone. Will you dance with me? We can dance your favorite dance."

"I'm afraid Grandma can't really dance in this dress," Kathryn answered, "it's very tight. But it would make my night if you danced that dance especially for us."

Briony beamed a smile, cute dimples in her rosy cheeks. "Then I will, Grandma."

Kathryn put her hand to the child's cheek, and then Briony hurried into the cave. Moments later, _Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy_ began to play and Briony started to dance. Across the sand she swept, gliding and twirling in time to the music, and everyone stopped what they were doing to watch. The child was a gifted dancer, natural and graceful, and was the star of her ballet class. As she danced, Kathryn leant into Chakotay and he wrapped his arm around her with a kiss. The music always reminded them of that first dance of long ago, and as his beloved granddaughter moved across the sand, her black hair blowing in the breeze, it was her grandmother that Chakotay momentarily saw. That beautiful young woman with black hair and blue eyes who had danced before him and stolen his heart. And, as they watched their granddaughter dance, Chakotay knew that Kathryn thought of her too.

* * *

><p>When the celebrations were over, and the guests had left, Malakye and Azryn cleared up while Kathryn and Chakotay said goodbye to Phoebe and Aunt Martha. Sadie had already left, leaving earlier with her mother and sister, and Gemma and Briony had gone home too.<p>

"I know it's too much to hope for that I'll be around for the ruby," Aunt Martha said as she climbed back into her hoverchair, "but as sure as birds can fly there will be one. So, when I've popped my clogs and am six feet under, open a bottle of bubbly and say congrats from me."

Phoebe smiled. "You can never pop your clogs, Aunt Martha. You don't wear them."

The old lady laughed. "Then I'd better start or I just might live forever."

Kathryn kissed her aunt's cheek. "I hope you do, Aunt Martha."

"Well, the doctor says there's still a few years left in this old ticker so I'm not going anywhere just yet."

"Only home," Phoebe teased.

"Only home," Aunt Martha laughed.

The two women then said their final goodbyes and beamed out. When they were gone, Malakye and Azryn cleared away the lamplights, plunging the beach into darkness, and then said goodbye themselves. Kathryn and Chakotay embraced them both, thanked them for all they had done, and then watched as the two cousins, who were more like brothers, dematerialized. Then Kathyrn and Chakotay were alone. Alone outside their cave. Without the lamplights, the air quickly got cold, so arm in arm they retreated into the cave. It was empty now, empty except for the cupboard, and was lit only by the spotlights embedded in the rock.

"At last we're alone," Kathryn said, turning to Chakotay. "Alone in the place I know we both want to be tonight."

"Yes," he answered. He then reached into a pocket and pulled out a white velvet box. "Which means it's time for me to give you this."

Every year, on the night of their anniversary, they would come to the cave and exchange gifts. Sometimes they would stay the night, sometimes they would only stay for a little while, but always they would come.

Gratefully, Kathryn took the box and opened it. Inside, nestled in silver satin, was a glittering bracelet. It had two rows of shimmering rainbow beads and a stunning silver heart clasp that was studded with diamonds.

"The beads are mother of pearl," Chakotay told her. "I had them made from abalone shells I collected on this beach. There are thirty in all."

Kathryn touched the bracelet reverently. "It's beautiful, Chakotay. Thank you." She then looked up at him with a smile. "But you're not going to believe what I've got for you." Carefully, she reached into a jacket pocket, pulled out a glittering silver pouch, and presented it to him. "Happy anniversary."

Chakotay took the pouch, opened it, and into his palm fell two beautiful mother of pearl cufflinks.

"They're made of abalone shell too," Kathryn went on. "Knowing how you feel about real pearls, but not wanting to give you replicated, I collected the shells too and had these made."

Chakotay smiled. "Then it's true what they say, great minds think alike."

"Yes," Kathryn laughed. "But isn't it a good thing we weren't collecting them on the same day? That would have totally ruined the surprise."

"Totally." He then gazed deep into her eyes. "They're wonderful. Thank you."

Kathryn smiled and gazed back. "I love you, Mr Janeway."

"I love you, Mrs Chakotay."

Their lips then met in a tender kiss.

"You know," Kathryn said as they drew apart, "we haven't danced our dance yet. Shall we?"

Chakotay gave a nod. "Let's."

They then put down their gifts and wrapped their arms around each other.

"Computer," Kathryn said, "play Brahms opus 39, number 15."

As the waltz played, Kathryn and Chakotay swayed slowly to the music, and then they kissed as the piece ended.

"Let's stay tonight," Kathryn said, her eyes sparkling as they looked into his. "I know it's been a long time since we've been brave enough to, but we're not so old that we can't revive some of our young habits."

Chakotay smiled. "Not so old at all." He then addressed the computer. "Computer, activate program Anniversary KC, complete with forcefield."

Almost instantly their surroundings changed from an empty cave into a glittering grotto. White candles twinkled amidst red roses, and before them, as majestic as ever with red satin sheets and heart-shaped pillows, was their bed. Kathryn looked around in delight and, as she did, she saw there was a bottle of champagne resting in a bucket of pink ice. The bucket, which was gold, was perched on a rock and had two tall crystal glasses beside it.

"That's strange," Kathryn said, "champagne has never been there before."

Chakotay went over to the bucket and solved the mystery when he found a card on top of the ice. The card was small, silver, and had a message written on it.

"The bubbly's a gift," he said, picking up the card, "and this card reads: _Dear Mom and Dad, Just for you, a vintage bottle of champagne, 2379. Enjoy on this your special night. Kye and Gemma_."

"Oh, how sweet," Kathryn said, joining him at the bucket. "And look, Chakotay, the ice cubes are heart-shaped. Oh, how thoughtful."

"That's our son."

"But where would he get a vintage bottle of champagne from? I tried for Holly's ruby but, without breaking some almighty time laws, couldn't get one anywhere."

"It's probably best not to ask."

"Yes," Kathryn replied, "or even to think about. A headache is the last thing I want tonight."

Chakotay smiled and Kathryn smiled back. Then he picked up the bottle of champagne and opened it. As he did, a shower of bubbles rained down upon them and they laughed heartily. Chakotay then filled up the glasses and Kathryn raised hers in a toast.

"To us," she said. "To the years that have been, to the love and the joy they have seen, and to the years that are to come."

Chakotay held up his glass. "To us and to that."

They then knocked their glasses together and sealed their toast with a kiss.

THE END


End file.
